Raw

 It has been such a shitty 2 weeks for me. I missed my fuck with the neighbor last week because I hurt my back and could not move. I tried so hard to get to a place where I could fuck but my body won out and I had to cancel. But today I got to see him again. I have my period still, for like a solid week now, but he does not mind. Today we talked about him cumming inside of me. This has been on the agenda for a few weeks but I was unsure and well you know I am new to this aspect of sex. 

He shows up with a hard dick again, which I can not say enough how much I LOVE that. It makes things so much easier, we just get right to it, he asks me how I want it and I excitedly get in the bed and tell him to get on top of me. This will always be my go to position. He slides that raw dick in to me and it feels amazing. Not only has it been like 2 weeks but his dick is so big and hard and he is talking to me about his hard dick raw in my wet pussy. He grabs my throat while he is fucking me. I love this. We don't fuck long, maybe 20 minutes. I can feel him started to shake before he cums. I was waiting to feel it inside of me (because sometimes you can feel the power behind it) but I did not feel it. As I was realizing he came with sort of a lack of fan fare I was somewhat disappointed. I wanted this first time of him cumming in me to be more about him owning the pussy and claiming it with his cum and I wanted to feel this submissiveness of being filled with his cum. After I can just feel his cum dripping from my pussy all day now, which is equally a nice reminder or being fucked and a nuisance. 

Thats all, I just needed to share that moment.

Lost is the Visuals

 I did not have a chance yesterday to fully delve into this family get away as a single mother of three but it is pressing me a little tonight. I did notice I was the only one there that was by myself. Im a people watcher, I find myself easily amused by watching the mannerisms and movements of other people. So in all my people watcher I did not see a single soul that was there by themselves with their kids. I did ask my friend to join us but that would mean her kid missing school, which is already limited and a financial burden she could not do right now. But to be honest I was not all the upset to go alone. It did not feel out of place for me, it just felt like something that I am used to. It gave me lots of time to think about what I wanted and what felt good to me. 

There was this couple I was walking behind. The man was walking 3 steps ahead of his wife, with his kids trying to keep pace with him as his wife was so angry her face and neck were visible red as she yelled at him "you ruin everything" and he kept walking ignoring her. Those words resonated with me very deeply. I have said those exact words, not in public, but I have said them to JF, and I have meant them at the time. I know her anger and the intensity of anger that her husband feels like all he can do is ignore her and she feels like he is dismissing her. I thought to myself I never want to be in that position again. I spent my days enjoying my kids on my schedule with no one to answer to or even share parenting responsibilities with, I really freaking enjoyed it. I did not for one second think to myself, "I was wish I had someone with", not one time. 

I noticed a few things in my people watching. So we spend most of our time in the indoor water park, which was like a playground for my mind. I was noticing how different women have varying comfort levels with their body. There was this young light skin black women, thin, wearing a thong (the only women wearing a thong) who got on the surfer simulator and proceeded to get bounced around in the currents of water with her whole ass exposed. As I sat in the chair and watched this spectacle all I could do is imagine this is what her boyfriend is seeing as he fucks her from behind. It was a great visual as her boyfriend was right there next to her. There were at least a half dozen black women with huge asses that literally pulled their bathing suits up their ass like a homemade thong. I could not stop looking. Every second I got I was staring at their asses. I could not decide what I thought about it. Mostly I thought how can you tolerate that feeling of that up your ass for such a long time and how are you not embarrassed to have your ass hanging out like that in a family friendly waterpark. Weird stuff. 

Then there was the women who were uncomfortable in their own skin. This made me sad. There a lot of women I would see being uncomfortable in their bodies. They would walk around with their arms in front of their breast or bellies. There was so many beautiful women. I thought a lot about the physical act of sex, what their pussies might look like and what their mans cock looks like when it is rock hard and ready to enter their bodies. It was a lot of details that I would get into, I would get lost in the visual details of it all. 

I am still not really feeling the sexual urges today either. I kinda wish I was feeling it but Im really not interested. I did get my period, so I guess God is not going to punish me with pregnancy for lying about having my period. 

Lies I Tell

 D called me the other day for the first time in a few weeks, since I told him I could not give him money. I was away with the kids, and sitting in a hotel room with all my kids surrounding me so my answers were a little bit cagey. Im not sure if I mentioned this before but I do not talk to men in front of my kids. These are not relationships my kids need to know about so I only text or talk when I am alone. D of course accuses me of being there with someone. I told him no but he did not believe me. He told me he would call me because he would be down my way this weekend. He called me, I let it go to voicemail. I called back but it went right to voicemail. He calls me a few hours later to accuse me of ignoring his calls, I quip back that I left you a voicemail and he drops it. I told him I have my period, which is not exactly true. My period should be here any minute now, like I keep feeling like it is starting but then never does, for the last 5 days. However I had no mental energy for him, even fucking him feels like more trouble than I am interested in currently. I hate to lie about getting my period. I feel like God will punish me with pregnancy if I lie about it. I don't think I have every lied about it until this week. 

The local I told I had my period too. In my defense I thought I did but I was wrong but I did not correct it as I feel like men just do not get these things. I really just don't feel like sex much either. The 3 days away with 3 kids as a single mother damm near killed me and I just need to recoup.

My son, who is 8, if difficult. I have talked about his behavior several times but I feel like I am at a breaking point with it. We have 2 therapist and a behavioral assistant and 2 meds on board and we are still struggling to manage behavior. Behavior just at home...there are no problems at school. There are days where I have to walk away or sit in the car by myself because I feel like I am going to hurt him. Tonight I sat on the couch and cried. I just don't know what to do anymore with a kid that is so difficult to parent and parent alone. JF is not in tune with any of it. He does not struggle like I do because he is not a primary parent. He is like a statue that only speaks when necessary. There are so many feelings of guilt and resentment about my mothering of this child. Some days I can not stand him near me, his energy is manic and negative and my reserves to combat that kind of energy are so low that there is just nothing left to give. 

So it just seems easier to tell men that I have my period then to deal with the actual feelings of utter mental collapse that I am approaching. Periods they understand but the stress my kids puts me through I  know D will not understand and I don't know enough about the local guy to even guess. 

I am fully vaccinated now. I feel good about that, it makes me feel better about seeing people for sex (if I ever have the energy for it again). I do still have a bruise on my arm from my 1st shot, which was over a month ago. That is somewhat concerning. Otherwise I did not have any reaction to either shot. 

I have not been able to even have my daughter watch the kids like she was because my sons behavior is so erratic that I can't feel like I can safely leave him with her. I don't know the solution with this child but I am feeling like I am out of my league. I hoping the therapist, one of them, begins to make some progress soon. 

For now, my intention is to see the neighbor when I get a chance because it is good and easy and I will see the local guy too but I don't think I have the mental energy for much else. And as my period is a day late I start to worry about  God punishing me for lying about my period but I still have full faith the IUD is working. I mean it is not like anyone is cumming inside me anyway.

Let's Hear It for the Boys

 JF is still here. He is not getting on my nerves like he had been. His mental status seems to have changed. He is talking with more clarity and making better decisions. He has been helpful around the house with the kids, even though he can't really move he is directing them, tying shoes, reading books, playing with them.  My son, who is my most difficult child, and him went out the other night for some father son time. I think that was the first time he just took my son and just went to spend time with him. I mean it was my idea to do this but he is open to it and followed through with it, and even with being in a lot of pain they were out for about five hours and I enjoyed the quiet in the house. 

I do still feel a strong need to help JF. I just want to take care of him, but I realize I want to take care of him but when he lets me I feel resentful. Tonight he was on the phone with a women, he talks to lots of women, always on speaker phone and not about anything romantic, but tonight it hit just a little different and I was quick to ask who he was talking to. Relationship wise he is not obligated to tell me but the fact that your sitting on my couch you better open up your mouth and tell me. He started to tell me who it was and then starting laughing and said "and what does it matter if I am talking to a women"? I did not have a good answer other then "I would not like that". Still laughing at the absurdity of the conversation he asks "so you can date all the men you want but if I even talk to a women it is a problem". I quickly corrected him and told him that there is only two (it is about 2ish right now) and I am NOT dating them. They are simply for sex because I just need to have sex. I want to talk about our relationship but he was in a lot of pain and it just was not a good time for him. But I like having him around. I like him being a father to his kids. I like the partnership, I love the partnership! We were talking the other day and he referenced that if it had been me who was injured no one would take care of me like he would, and that is true. I just want the partnership commitment, not the sexual one. I want him to commit to raising our family, focusing financially on our family, making moves in life that will benefit our family, living together, taking care of each other but I just want to have sex with who I want. I am so close to making this work. He has to want it though, he will not go for it if it does not feel right to him. So my work continues. 

I have not really been seeing anyone these last few weeks, other then the neighbor and the local guy (both white guys). My son has been having some extreme behavior issues lately and it has really been sucking the life energy out of me. Im just trying to get through the day with him everyday and it is hard to think about anything else. I was watching Bridgerton tonight. Season 1, Ep 4 and there is this scene of this black boxer. He was so beautiful and muscular and sweaty. It did make me miss my black men. I just like men in general:their bodies, their strength, their simplistic style. I can not believe I ever in my life thought I might be into women when I clearly LOVE men. Now men do have their flaws but I do appreciate a man. 

I don't even know if I will be able to get any dick this week, my kids are on Spring Break and I am going away for a few days with them, so I don't even think I will be able to fit in the neighbor for our usual Monday. 

Twice A Day

 This house I live in, I pay for this and today I was really feeling my need to remember that. The neighbor guy wanted to come by. My daughter was home today and my friend next door was in the office today so she could not watch her and JF is here. I felt very brave and said to JF "can you take [our daughter] for a ride because I want to have someone come over for about 30 minutes. He is not shocked or surprised by this, he just says "ok, what time". I felt good about it. So I go upstairs to work and I have it planned JF is going to take the baby out and give me some time alone in the house and I see my ex husband pull up. I call him before he even gets out of the car and ask him what he is doing here. He says he is going to fix the door downstairs in my daughters room and I tell him "that's great but Im having company and you can't come in now, come back at 11". This is really the struggle sometimes, most times, to have sex. It is always trying to claim my own space in my own house to get my needs met. When my kids are cock blocking me it does not feel as frustrating as JF or my ex husband. 

I finally get to the fucking. The neighbor guy shows up with a hard dick again and a beautiful hard dick it is. We kind of have our dance now and I am very satisfied with it. He gets naked, I keep on my pajamas top, I bend over on the edge of the bed and he slowly enters my body. He was fucking me hard today and slapping my ass. It is really qualifying as some of the best sex I have ever had. It just hits all the right spots and it is such a nice size without being too long that it hurts. He did try to fuck my ass but that shit hurts so bad, he tells me I need to work with a butt plug and that will help. I guess I will have to because I want him to be able to fuck my ass. 

So I still wanted to see the local guy tonight. I head over to see him this evening. Fucking two men in one day does not even feel a bit strange to me anymore. Tonight I talked to him about fucking my ass longer then he did last time because I was right on the edge last time. He was happy to do this for me. We also have a nice routine down. I like that at this age you kind of know what works and what does not so I feel like maximizing pleasure is easier to do. So I suck his dick and he sucks my clit and my pussy and my ass and I watch the porn he turned on while he pleasures me. When he is ready he fucks me on the edge of the bed. He fucks my pussy for about 30 seconds before he slips his dick in my ass. The initial feeling of this is so strange but it was not long before I was cumming. This is the first time I have had anal like this. Anal that was just as vigorous as when he would fuck my pussy. I was really surprised by the orgasms that came from it. I was not even mad he did not fuck my pussy really because I was deeply satisfied with the anal. I stood up and my legs were shaking as I tried to put my clothes back on. I was feeling incredible. He walked me out and I got in my car and drove away still feeling orgasmic and then I came again in my car on the way home. I was not expecting to like it so much but I do like it a lot, it is such a pleasant experience then compared to D.

Im not sure how I am feeling about JF today, I have been talking to him a little bit more. He seems to be more clear headed then I have seen him in awhile. There are things I really like about him, and parts about him I want to have around this house. He mentioned today how he see " I am having lots of fun" refering to my encounter with the dog walker. I feel good about that because at least he knows where my head is at. I told him I have to do that, I don't have a choice I have to have sex. He laughs and say he knows. I do not like the not knowing where things will end up and where we will all shake out to be. 

Im taking the kids on a short trip next week during their spring break. I am really not wanting to go. This is truly a self sacrifice to make the kids happy. I am trying to get in the mood but all I can think about is two nights I won't be in my own bed at night and how the kids will be in the same room with me with no break. 

Fantasy Thrills

 JF has been here a few days and I am still not too aggravated with him. I like taking care of him. This is how I show love, by taking care of people. I am good at taking care of people, it just comes very naturally to me and I don't know how not to take care of someone that I love. Sometimes I go in the front room, where he has himself set up, and I sit with him. And I look at him and I am very attracted to him still. All the bullshit and all the nonsense I still want him and I still love him. Despite all of these positive feelings it is not like I want to be with him again. As each moment passes I see that he is who he is and I think that he was always this way and it just started being a problem for me. My youngest is the most happy I have seen her in a long time as she happily naps and plays with her dad. The kids insist on eating their food next to him and they help take care of him. Overall it is not terrible...yet. 

I wanted to go see the local guy tonight but we could not mesh our schedules mesh, I am hoping tomorrow. Frankly I was so tired this weekend I could not even think about sex. I am not sure why is making me so tired. It is like all I could do all weekend is lay on the couch with a blanket on my head. JF brings me a lot of stress, even him being in the country brings me a lot of stress. Then there is all the other stuff in my life but it just kind of exhausts me mentally. I do think I could use a vacation. 

Tonight I took a drive, this is something I like todo every night about 730p. I start feeling stressed with the kids and I need to prep myself mentally for bedtime so I find a 20 minute drive listening to some 90's ganga rap soothes me. Tonight I stopped to vacuum out my car. I wear black pajamas pants and a sweat shirt. I got out of the car and started to vacuum and as I was fulling bent over in the back seat of the minivan the fantasy came to me. Bent over vacuuming crumbs all I could think about is someone coming up behind me. I just kinda stayed in that position for a minute full bent over the seat, very vulnerable feeling the cold air on my ass and imagining the thrill of someone coming from behind me and pressing their hard dick up against my pussy and at the same time putting their hand on the back on my neck to keep me from sitting up. He easily pulls my pants down and exposes my pussy and immediately slides his dick in my pussy, while I am face down in the back of my van. I am feeling so much pleasure but also fear as I don't know who is in my body. He fucks me and cums in my pussy and as abruptly as he came up behind me he is gone in the night. I never see his face or body or anything of him. This is the fantasy that took up all of the time vacuuming the car. And then I was kinda miserable I did not get any dick this weekend. 

All the mental stress has made it difficult for me to find dick and go out. It is just a lot to manage new connections and expectations. I just need to make due with what I have for right now. 

Busy Week

 The neighbor came over yesterday. He was out grocery shopping for his family and stopped on his way home. He checked his phone to make sure his wife did not see him turn down my street. I don't know what to say about that, it feels a little bit wrong but not wrong enough not to do it. He comes in and gets undressed. His dick is already hard. There is something wonderful about a man who shows up with a hard dick, it is fucking amazing. I get right to sucking his rock hard dick, we don't have a lot of time so I don't get to do it long. He tells me to get on the edge of the bed on my knees and he comes behind me and slides his dick in my pussy. I don't know if I can articulate the sheer joy that I feel during this moment. It is much like I describe with D, that moment he enters my body and every time it brings tears to my eyes (good tears). Its that elation of the dick pushing the sides of the pussy and stretching your body out and the thrill of a man penetrating your body. He fucks me from behind, while he plays with his nipples so his hands are not even on my body. It is very much like I am alone in the bed getting this amazing dick from a mysterious source. He tries to fuck my ass but I can not do it while I am on my knees like that, I just can't. He quickly has me flip over and climbs on top and I play with his nipples and he fucks me and slaps me a little bit. The dick is the perfect size. Big enough to make you feel it and big enough to hurt you sometimes but for the most part I can take it. He came on my pussy and I had 2 minutes before my zoom meeting started. I quickly wiped all the cum off me and fixed my hair and hopped on camera for my meeting. 

The other night I saw my local guy. I was not feeling particularly in need of dick but I decided to go visit. I like him. He is so pleasant and friendly. Its weird we talk all friendly and nice until we get to the bedroom and then he drops his pants and I get to sucking. I like sucking dick a lot lately. His dick is not huge so it allows for some more oral because  my jaw does not hurt and it is just easier to suck dick when it is more of an average size. He turned some porn on it was of a white women getting fucked by a black man, it was a nice visual while he sucked on my clit. He eventually was ready to fuck me. He fucked my pussy for a few then fucked my ass. I almost came from the ass fucking. If he just would not have stopped when he did. I really liked the anal. These two beast dicks, neighbor guy and D, just destroy my ass but his dick gave me pleasure. 

JF and I have been talking more. I have been taking care of him from afar but I think he will be discharged tomorrow. I has been making me stressed to see him in distress. He is very aggressive and agitated. It makes me feel sad because aggression is not part of his personality, but I don't hate it. It is nice to see he still has a bit a fire in him, as his base line is usually passive and content.

My week has been so busy that I have been trying to write this single post all week. I have not had the energy or time to even sit to be with my thoughts. 

I had lunch with T today. Just lunch, not sex. It was really nice just to sit and talk to him and enjoy his company and good to hug him. . I really just want to lay in bed and hug him and feel all the feels for about 30 minutes then I want to be by myself again.