Empowerment & Submission

 I don't know his name. He has a blurry full body pic of him in the ocean, very nondescript pic with no identifying features. I could not pick him out of a crowd. Now that I think about it, I am not sure what he did to capture my attention. Lately my interest in meeting new people has been very low. I have been very content on where I am at in my relationships and I was not looking for rock the boat. Nonetheless, I text him. We "clicked" pretty quickly and we talked about meeting. There was just one little twist. Meeting him would look different. I think he suggested it, I don't think I would be bold enough to suggest this, but as I try to recall the details it all feels like a dream and I can not put the pieces together. 

I gave him the address. I shut my blinds. I got on my bed, on my knees, bent over, completely exposed and slipped a blindfold over my eyes. I held my head in my hands and shook my head in shear shock of what I was doing. I heard the door open and shut. And I resisted the urge to move, to call it off and cover myself. I hear him walking up the stairs. I brace myself as I don't know what to expect. He says nothing and touches my ass and moves his hand up my back. It feels good. His hands felt so warm and gentle. I hear him taking his dick out. The anticipation has me so nervous, my pussy is super tight because I just can not relax. He gently takes my hand behind my back and lets me feel the condom (which was my request) and begins to penetrate me. 

At some point he climbs onto my bed and guides me to his dick and I put his dick in his mouth. He tells me I am doing a good job and I am reassured. He gives clear instructions on what he wants for me and how I should position myself. I was was semi on my knees with my legs spread, sucking his dick, blindfolded and feeling like I belonged to him. The only thing I could think of is the dapravity of this scene. What a colossal indulgence in to our carnal urges this was and as I was fulling engaged in this he lifts my chin up to kiss me. And while is surprised me I just melted. There is something so intimate about it, more so then kissing without a blindfold. The blindfold allowed me to be a little less critical of myself in that situation, as he was in charge of everything, I was simply a willing participant. 

We fucked some more, I came several times, right at the end right before he came he took my hands behind me and held each one and used that hold to fuck me deeper and harder and then he pulled his dick out and came on my ass. After he came on my ass he fingered me with such intensity. I was not sure what he was even doing, I did not know why it felt so good, but it was simply amazing. I came. He told me to give him a few minutes. I stayed there and waited until I heard the door shut. I slipped off my blindfold and tried to compose myself. 

I got in the shower to clean myself off and thought about the experience. I have this back and fourth with myself that I should be embarrassed of my behavior and this sense of empowerment that I managed to carry out a scene that I wanted and I did not need a Dom to do it. This was some of the frustration I found when I had a Master, it always became more and more about what they wanted and less about what I wanted. There is give and take in a Dom/sub relationship and I feel like some of the people I dealt with forgot that as time went on. This was all me, for me and orchestrated by me. There is power in submission, it is just hidden. 

We text about out experience. And some where in there I find myself agreeing to meet him again that night. This time in a desolate parking lot, which frankly when I got there was not as desolate as I was expecting. I wear the equivalent of a t-shirt dress, no panties, just something easy and flip flops. He tells me where to go as he watches from afar and when I am ready I get into the back of the car and slip on my blindfold. I hear his car pull up. I hear the door open, he slides in and closes the door. It feels like an eternity until I hear his voice. I am nervous at this point but excited. He is sitting so close to me and I remember thinking about how it feels to be this close to someone. He feels good to touch and very unexpectedly his kisses me. Im not sure what happened next but kissing was a perfect way to begin this encounter. We fuck in the car, which I have not done in probably 12 years, and I find it somewhat frustrating because I can not get the depth that I want with our logistical space problems. There were several times he took my hands and pulled me up toward him to kiss him. I am so not used to this, I feel like I might have said something like "what is happening", it is just so out of my ordinary dance with men that this felt amazing. His touch is gentle but firm at the same time. For example one moment he is kissing me and the next grabbing my throat with a show of dominance. My mind and body were reeling with contradictory thoughts. I started to get really nervous once I had realized that we had been there longer then I would expect and in my head I can just see police cars surrounding us and me in the back of this car. It took a lot for me to relinquish that control. At some point I work my way onto my knees and he fucks me from behind again and cums on my ass. He slips out of the car and I hear him pull away. I slip off my blindfold and feel bewildered. I look around I am utterly alone and I have cum all over my body and I my body feels orgasmic still. I get into the front seat and he text me to start driving so he can see me leave. We pull off and that was that. 

What leaves me most enamored is that this man can be anywhere, he lives a few minutes away from me, and he can see me and know all my secrets and know all of the desire I have and I will not know it is him. It is this theme of vulnerability that is so appealing to me, I have such a pleasurable physical reaction to feeling or knowing that someone knows secrets about me. 

I feel like this situation is turning into the "French Man" all over again. I quickly feel submissive and enticed. I become so intensely pleased and challenged and I take an interest and then they just disappear for whatever reason. I feel like I have to remind myself that it is ok to like the way he touches me. It is okay that he makes my body feel good. Im not saying that other men don't give me the same feeling but it is this submissive feeling that I feel like I had almost given up on that he gives me. Often men will try to assert their dominance when they are trying to get you interested, but it is not that kind of dominance that I want. His is effortless and natural and it makes me want to fall to his feet and make him happy. It is been a long time since I have met someone that solicited submission so easily. 

D and I talked the other day. We have been talking lately and really just talking about nothing, he said he was going to come spend the night with me soon. That is a big step for D. I mean I have only been asking for a year. However he talks about fucking me all night. And I know from experience he literally means fucking all night long. He might take a 20 minute cat nap here or there but he can fuck all night long. I laugh and remind him that I am a human being and that I require sleep. He rebuts, "not that night you don't". I appreciate good dick, I really do, but I can not give up a night of sleep even for good dick. My daily life is challenging and energy sucking and I just can't not sleep for a whole night, it is just not an option. I also can not fall asleep with out medication. So there is really no in between where I can wake up a few times at night to fuck and fall back asleep. All I can do is shake my head, in 18 years he has not learned what I need. We also talked about pleasurable pain and I tried to talk to him about that some of the things I used to like don't feel as good as they used to and I want less intensity with pain sometimes. It fell on deaf ears. He does not listen to me and I already know he would say that I do not listen to him. It is frustrating, the entire thing. I have loved this man for 18 years and we still are going back and forth on the same things and he still can not just give me what I need. I still feel like he does not have the power over me that he once had. Im still grateful for the freedom from the shackles of being so profoundly in love with him. 

Things at home are trending in the right direction in terms of the struggles with my son. So I have felt less exhausted this week, less like parenting was getting the best of me and more like I could have something for myself again. I do think the stress with managing my son makes me less apt to play. Sometimes his behavior is so erratic he can not be out of eye sight and sometimes he is perfectly fine. We are getting there, slow and expensive but things are moving ahead. 

JF and I went out to dinner for my sons birthday the other day. It was weird but also just as it always had been. I spent some time looking at JF and wondering what it was that brought us together. JF often told me he prayed for a wife and there I came, carrying his baby, and so it just felt like it was meant to be. However sitting across from him at that table I felt so far removed from him. Like we would leave this restaurant and go back to our separate planets. My daughter is 4 and at that stage where she is so in love with her Dad. She beams with excitement when ever she sees him. It makes me grateful that he is close to us and she has access to him. 

I have been working on getting rid of stuff in my house that is his, or is there because of him. For example all the diced tomatoes and coffee. That kind of stuff just reminds me of him. There was this religious symbols in on door that he put there for spiritual protection. I literally see it every day and get pissed off about it. It just reminds me of all of the contradictions he is and all the things I thought he was and turned out not to be. I have left it there because I felt like it is just not good to throw out this kind of spiritual symbol of protection. However today I took it down and I fucking feel like each day I am reclaiming a little bit more of  my house. 

I like it!

JF came to see the kids today. He takes them on a walk, which my youngest LOVES. I opened the front door today to see him hugging her. I felt instantly attracted to him, you know that thing that happens now when you see a man taking care of your kids and just instcintually incites a feeling of wanting to make that man happy and feelings of attraction. It took me very much by surprise but it was really on an instinctual level. I wonder if men feel this same thing. It is by design of nature that in order for our species to survive staying with your family would make sense, it is like fighting nature to quell these reactions. 

Things with JF are okay. I don't feel anger and resentment too much of the time and I feel like I am starting to see where I could have went wrong in this relationship. Not that I think I could have helped it but a little common sense would have been good. Someone in my life opening my eyes to our differences would have been helpful. Just someone to question me when I was falling in love with him was needed. And even thinking about that maybe JW did try to open my eyes, maybe my Mom even did. I might have been just so taken with him there was no help, but I don't remember anyone ever saying to me "are you sure he is right for you"? Again it might have not mattered but shit we are so different, how did I ever think it would work. And JF said things in the beginning that I feel like I should have recognized as red flags but it felt so good to be loved. I feel so far removed from that love, like I have not felt it in years. The closest thing to love for me is those days when D calls me and talks to me and shows concern for me, maybe the most loved I have felt by a man, other than my father, was the day he painted my ceiling for me. That might have been the most cared for I have felt for a long time. I feel like I am so used to not feeling loved that I don't think about it so much but sometimes it creeps in and I think maybe I am missing out on something by living the way I am living.... 

The local guy has been a little distant. I am not sure if it is just in my head or if he is done with our "situation" for lack of a better term. He just texts me less. I don't feel wanted like I did before. I like the feeling wanted. I don't want to text him, I don't want to feel like I am chasing him. We will see were that leads. I kinda wanted to see him tonight but it is late already. 

I did see the neighbor today. Im not so sure what motivated me but I needed to cum before he got there. I was so looking forward to his dick and the way my body feels but I wanted that special kind of orgasm that I only get with my magic wand. I think it to 30 seconds to get there, and 30 seconds later he walked into my room. He still wears a mask, maybe he likes the ananimity of it with the mask. I causally ask him if he still has sex with his wife, I heard the words leave my mouth and his answer kind of told me he was not super comfortable with my question. I guess maybe when a man in naked in front of me about to get his dick sucked he does not want to think about the fact that he is not really having sex with his wife. Or maybe he thought it was a loaded question, like the preverbal "does this make me look fat", like there was only one way to answer and that is to say "No". I had to examine this a bit in my head, it does not bother me in the least to think about him and his wife, he could be fucking her everyday it does not bother me. I think I will not ask about that kind of thing before sex anymore. I wanted a great cum shot of him cumming on my face but I did not get it. I only have like one of them and I want a newer one. The photo is just poor quality, with shadows etc and I look super disgusted. I will have to try again. 

So I have found a new man that interests me. He is local which is the best place to be and so far seems like a great match. A white guy. I think now that I am open to white men that there seems to be so many more options for white men. I have not met him in person and when people are new I reserve a little bit of the details until I can sort out how they make me feel and if I like to play with them or not. I don't know what I will call him yet in the pages of the blog. 

I write a lot of things in this blog but there are still secrets that I keep to myself and things that I am still trying to decide if I am ok with. The other day I was talking to a friend of a friend who I have known for several years and who I have talked with several times and I found myself sharing the story of JF in my email and the videos and blog he found. And I feel strongly as I am talking that I am not ashamed at all. JF tried so hard to shame me and judge me for my self expression but in the end I am not deterred. I know I am a good person and I am tired of particularly women's sexuality being judged by men. I saw JF today and he looked at me and laughed in the way that I knew that he had read the blog again. I am sure he would deny it but he continues to make vague hints to his knowledge and I feel like maybe it is time for him to let it be. If you don't like it don't read it. Let me be me and let me live my life the way that I want to. This blog has caused some problems over the years but is has always given more than I could articulate well enough for you to understand. Its therapy, it is my friend, it is my confidant, it is my guilty pleasure and a place to relive the details of my sexual experiences. I love it and I don't ever intend to stop leaving the details on my life on this page. 

Today I found myself telling someone about my encounter with the neighbor. For the attempted cum shot he had me lay down on the bed with his balls in my face he leaned over me with one foot on the bed as I sucked his balls and licked his ass while he jerked off. I felt like I should not like it but it is this part of giving pleasure that makes me happy. This is some what new to me, I am not sure what shifted but in me but it was amazing. I feel more free to like what I like and more free to touch someone they way that I want. I have always heard women reach their sexual peak in their 40s maybe that is what this is? It is like a confidence that now I have because I know what I like and what I don't like for most part and I answer to no one but myself. It is amazing to finally be able to be whatever I want to be and like whatever I like. 

Perspective & Intention

I was thinking a lot about JF and his parenting. Someone reminded me about the culture he came from and how he does not think about fatherhood the same way that we do in the this country. I feel like I might have forgotten that...my response to my friend was "it is about time he assimilates". I do expect a very American approach from him and I think I do not take his up bringing and culture into it much because I don't see it, I don't have first hand knowledge of it and I sometimes in my very American way I just don't care, he should do it my way because my way is right. So today I asked him if he was going to see his kids, and his response to me was "are they asking for me"? I really was frustrated by this thought. For real...your kids need to ask for you for you to come around, you just don't come around? And it further perpetuates this thought that you just visit your kids rather than parent them. Their grandparents visit them, they need a Dad to parent them. That is the idea that I am trying to shove down his throat. Parenting does not mean just visiting. He lives across the street from me, if you can't parent this close where are we going in the future? In all honesty he was not parenting that much while he was in the house. So because I am a resilient person I am trying to move a long and make the best situation I can. I am looking for something that makes it better for me that he is a Dad that just visits and not parents. What I came up with is maybe it is ok if they gets the best parts of JF here and there vs not at all or vs a lot of time with no quality. While if I had a vision for the future I would have never chose to have children with JF, but I still believe he is a good person and he loves his children, so maybe that will be enough for them. I know with me they have to take the good with the bad because we are together every second of the day but there are things that I would not like my kids to learn from me. This of course means they lose out of this part of theirselves, their African-ness, the things from his culture that only he can teach them. Im just trying so fucking hard not to have children that need to recover from their childhood I get lost in the sadness of life circumstances. I want JF to have the kind of relationship with his kids that I have but I don't think it is possible and I don't even know if he knows what is looks like for a man to have this kind of relationship with his kids. So at the end of the day, I am trying to believe that this will all be ok. That somehow they will get what they need from him and as long as I am positive about JF and treat him with love and respect my children will feel love and respect for him as well. 

I remember talking to my first ex-husband about talking to our daughter about D being her biological father and how I am adamant in my stance that she will not suffer with the situation as long we do not hold any resentment about it and we are "cool" with it for lack of a better word. I was so confident then that my daughter would not suffer because of this situation with her father / biological father because I would not let her. I would infuse her with love and acceptance of the situation and present in such a matter of fact honest way that there would be no room for her to feel weird or devalued by it. And I succeeded in that. She has always known D is her biological father, and she had access to him whenever she wanted, and I would always talk about him when we talked about how she looked like me or as we guessed how tall she might get. It was a fact he was part of her DNA and we embraced that. 

This time I am not as confident. Im not sure what is holding me back from just owning the situation. Im going to be more intentional in my thoughts about it and not assume the kids will suffer because they are not seeing JF. I am going to be intentionally guiding my thoughts to that of my children have access to their Dad and he is a good man, and though his participation may not be what I want it to be that they will still feel love. I have to inject these feelings of love in my spirit because if I feel like my kids are being cheated they will feel the same. 

Back to the culture, I remember a conversation I had with D one time when he was talking about moving back to Trinidad, and I said what about your kids? He said "when they are old enough they will come looking for me and I will be there for them", and I thought this was the dumbest shit I ever heard. What a fucking cop out of a father to dip out and put the burden back on your children to ask for you for you to be there. It is a really limited small minded way to view your role as a parent. He seems to be close with his other children maybe that is just the expectation in his culture. I know it is the American way to assume we are right and everyone else is wrong but I think parenthood is slightly more evolved in this country, as at least among Americans there is an expectation that father will actively participate in rearing children. 

Anyway, I had plans with the neighbor today. I really did not want to be bothered, I almost cancelled. It was all about the anal. I just did not want to be bothered. Anal is not bad now and I like it sometimes but seriously it can not be an every time event. I just don't want to want to be bothered. I just like my pussy fucked the entire time he is here. I don't want to complicate things. I don't want to feel nervous about all the things that come with anal, it is just not worth it... sometimes yes but not today. I text him, he was cool about it. I like that it was not like he said, just a little bit or please he just let it be. Take a lesson men, when she does not want to leave at that. So I instantly felt better about seeing him knowing that I did not need to worry about the anal. He shows up with his dick hard and lays down so I can suck his dick. He is dick is so big and rock hard it is an instant motivator. When I am with him I am very into pleasing him, he makes it easy to want to make him happy because again this is a man that shows up with a hard dick every time and is cool if I don't want to do anal. I suck his dick, and his balls and then I go lower and before I know I am licking his asshole and I was really loving it. I love the power of giving the pleasure like that, it is something that is defiantly out of my wheelhouse but pleasantly surprised at my ability to try and like knew things. Once that was over I bent over on my knees on the edge of the bed and lifted my shirt up to expose my ass and he slide his dick right inside. I don't know how long we were fucking but it was amazing. Not painful, just pleasure, big but too big, it is just orgasm after orgasm until he came and filled my pussy up with cum.

Getting By With a Little Help From My Friends

 Things are moving right along. JF has been seeing the kids and feeling a little more present than he was before. I am slightly more optimistic about his ability to father these children than before. I still have in my mind that he should be parenting the same amount and in the same meaningful way that I am. I think about my own experience with my father. I don't recall my Dad at any of my sporting events, he was ALWAYS working, and past my very early memories I don't have many memories of quality time with my Dad or him "taking care of us" in the way I want JF to take care of the kids. This is not ideal. I think any reader of the blog would probably agree I have some issues with men they are probably deeply rooted in my experience with my father growing up. I want to raise children with out "Daddy Issues" and that feel and know they are loved by these two people who created them and that we are collectively devoted to their well-being. And just because it is the way that it is...we can not be collectively devoted to the children's well-being with out caring for each other. It just not possible and the kids will always see the insecurity in your words and actions. 

I kind of feeling like I need a hug from JF. Hugs have always been a closure thing for me. After a fight or heavy discussion I like the reassurance of a hug. I want to talk with JF, like friends that we used to be, but he is not really speaking to me. I want him to hug me and I want to feel a sense of closure with him. I will need to find another way to find this closure. 

When ever I feel like I need a hug JF was my go to, then I think about T or D. They are my huggers but christ I never see them anymore. I mean I just saw D and hugged him a lot but I see him so infrequently and T is has been like 3 months. I would never ask the neighbor for a hug but I did consider asking the local guy but I thought better of it. 

The need for a strong man has been palatable for me this last few days. I want a bug killing, trash taking out, protector that loves me for me (and that includes the sexual side too) and shows me love and affection and reaffirms and reassures me. I have not been wanting the sex just all the other parts. I am reminded that with every moment I have a man that might do all of those things it does I feel like I will always be feeling like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. I never could imagine not wanting to have JF right next to me but yet here we are. Love is such a risk. I don't know if I will ever have it in me again. 

This month makes it a year since JF and I broke up. This also marks the longest I have ever been single since I started dating when I was 15. I don't know how I feel about that. Part of make feels proud that I have stood on my own two feet and not jumped into something that did not feel right because I was nervous or unsure about being alone and part of me wonders if I am missing out on something. I do believe the universe will send me what I am looking for when I am ready for it, so it is just up to me to determine if I am ready for it. 

I went to see the local guy last night after I think 2 weeks of not being able to see him. I still go back to I like him. He seems so sincere and nice. Frankly I think I am so used to being treated like I am value-less to the men in my life that this man showing me a level of kindness that I show people is surprising to me and make me feel hopeful that there is the right person for me out there. I still would like to spend some time with him, I would like to see if we enjoyed each others company outside of sex. I am not making the first more with that ever. He will have to or it will never happen. I am just not willing to risk it. 

It was so good to see him. All the men I see (which is only 3 right now) give me such a different experience. It is like how can I choose one when they are all so varied and give me such different kinds of pleasure. D makes me feel owned and is physical demanding, the neighbor is all about technique and satisfaction in the way a massage relaxes you, whereas the local guy is about intense pleasure from all different kinds of activities.  I really like the combination right now. I feel pretty satisfied in that respect. I feel like for so long I was looking for this set up and now I feel like I am pretty successful with finding the type of men I like. I almost had not realized how wonderful it has been. There is not that frantic need for sex because I am having it regularly. Maybe not as often as I would like but often enough for me to get  by. 

D Day

 A few more days has past since JF left my house. I am not sure how I am feeling. I know that I feel more comfortable in my house and I know that I feel a sense of closure that I don't think that I had before. Like the Taylor Swift song says "we are never ever getting back together" and I think maybe before this incident I thought that maybe things would work out. I had hope before that somehow JF would have an awakening and some how some way return to the ways of the man I fell in love with. However post -incident I'm confident that man I was knew is so far gone. The father that held our brand new baby girl the moment she was born and beamed with such a loving glow and took care of me with such love and kindness is really gone. Some where he lost his way and I tried so hard to bring him back but now I am done. 

I went to therapy with son this week, it is like a dual session, I talk to one person he talks to another. I told her everything and I found myself telling her about the video and blog and the person I was before I met JF (the gang-bang party goer) with not an ounce of shame. I felt totally content in who I am and the things that I have done. I feel like from the beginning I should have not stopped all my activities and stopped seeing all my friends in the lifestyle. They were such a form of support for me and I just had fun with them. But when I met JF he fulfilled me and those desires left me so I felt like it was a natural choice. I don't know what it was about it that was so satisfying to me but I remember feeling whole. Like he completed me and everything fell in to sync. I think a lot about the early years. I think about out fights and if I saw warning signs that I ignored. Im not sure yet. When I think back to the early years all I think about is the sense of wholeness. And in reality I was pretty broken when I met him and maybe God just knew I needed a man to take care of me (take care of me in the emotional sense). 

Im still grieving the loss of the relationship. It is hard not only for the children but for me. I really felt like this was the man I would grow old with and even when we split up last year I was not even really sure if that was the end. This week I find myself with these moments of unspecified anxiety. I am not sure what exactly is causing the anxiety but it makes it hard to breathe. I just can not even function. I call my Mom or my sister and talk about it and try to give a voice to my angst but I can not put my finger on it. Before therapy the other day I was so intensely anxious I needed to take something to help me calm down. I think I am just having a lot of feelings. It is not as though I just stopped loving him. He has been seeing the kids, outside, and when I see him I feel sad. I want us both to be happy and I want to be able to talk with him about our children and feel joy with him about our kids growing and learning. I think maybe the anxiety is the not wanting to process the sadness, as I started to cry as I was typing this. 

In other news this weekend was an fascinating one. D text me Saturday morning and told me he would come down to paint my ceiling for me, something I have been waiting for him to do for a 2 months maybe. I was not expecting the call but I was excited to have him down. And in some kind of cosmic moment of luck my Dad offered to take all my kids for the day. My oldest did not want to go with the grandparents so she would stay back and see her Dad for the first time in almost 10 years. 

First, D made such an effort to make my daughter comfortable and not make the meeting awkward. He was friendly and light hearted and made me happy. My daughter stayed with us in the living room while he painted and we talked so she must have been somewhat interested. D never lets me take pics of him he always thinks I am going to post them on Facebook, but he let me take a pic of the two of them. It makes my heart happy to see this picture, to see how much the look a like to see her smile as he side hugs her and looks at her and smiles. It was amazing and a day that I will not soon forget. 

Part way through the afternoon JF asks me if I can bring his clothes that he has here out to him, I comply. I walk out the front door and the 20 feet to the street and he can see D in the house painting. He says something about he sees my man in the house and makes this noise that I can only compare to a disappointing African noise. He then texts me some bullshit, making reference to the blog again, and I did not reply. I don't know what he wants from me...to be clear the videos and blog all existed before I met him. They have been part of my story for longer than he has and while he may not approve my me, I am ok with who I am.

There was a moment when my daughter when for a bike ride and D and I were face to face in the kitchen and he asks me if I want to go upstairs before he gets started. Of course I do. I do tell him to give me a few minutes to let me get a shower. At this point, I had been out all day, which started sitting in the rain for a baseball game and various other errands and I had gotten a shower the night before. He immediately lapses into talking to me like a father telling me I need to get a shower every morning. It made me laugh that he thinks I need to be educated in this way but it was almost endearing. I get a shower and he comes up to my room. There is some kind of heat between us. For me it is this intense feeling that I have about creating this child together and seeing him embrace her that made me so turned on to this man. There is nothing like seeing a man take care of his children to make me want him. I find being a good father a very sexy quality these days. We were kissing, which is weird for me because I generally hate it, but like kissing the way you kiss in high school when all the hormones are raging and you just can't stop kissing. The sex was amazing, defiantly less olympic than usual and I enjoyed the change of pace. Again for me I was so into him after seeing him with my daughter and there is the painting the ceiling for me that also made me feel....a little bit taken care of. And again maybe the universe just knows that sometimes I need a man to take care of me a little bit. It get exhausting to be the one in control and in charge of everything all the time. 

D and I did have a lot of time to talk. And we very casually talked about what we wanted from our relationship. I was super proud of myself for saying to him that "I don't want you to live here but I would like if you could spend like 2 days a week here with me" and he was equally honest with me. I urged him to think about how long we have been waiting for the time when we were both single at the same time and what were we waiting for now. While we talked a lot the conversation did not provide me much understanding of what he wants, because he is so hot and cold with his feelings, but I did speak my truth and all the things that I wanted. I know part of my anxiety is the unknown future. Look how my life has changed in a year... in another year anything is possible. That creates some scary feelings that anything is possible. 

JF later texted me some more bullshit about D being there. I don't even know what to say about it because it feels really out of character for him to talk the way he is talking. He just seems to have a lot of misplaced anger. Im not sure what I did to upset him. Is he that upset I asked him to leave because he was being disrespectful to me? And I know I have said it a hundred times but why on earth would you cause more stress for your children's primary care giver? I am their primary parent and their rock why are you trying to give me stress, does he not see how this will impact them? I will never understand it. 

Culture Clash

 It has been a few days now since JF left the house. He told the kids "he will never step inside this house again" and has seen them for a few minutes each day outside of the house. His stance of he will never step into the house is really to hurt me. This means he will never be able to help me with the kids, watch the kids, etc. That is what it is about. He fundamentally seems to believe that these children are not equally his responsibility and if I pressed the issue about sharing the responsibility of raising kids he will talk about sending them to Africa and his family will take care of them. My only solace in this situation is I know I am doing my best and that the end of the day I do not have regrets for the choices I have made. I can look at my children and know that I am doing what is best for our family. 

I know that when I walk in my house I don't feel the heaviness in my body that I was feeling in the last weeks. I feel like my home belongs to me again and I don't feel that resentment of him. My mom even mentioned how I sound better and seem happier. I would be content if the situation with the kids was better. Ideal would be him helping to watch the kids, you know parent them, help with activities and school. All the things a parent does, not just spend 20 minutes outside of the house with them. I still do not understand how he can treat me like he does being that I am the only caregiver his children have. He children will only be as happy as their mother can be. If I suffer, I see they suffer and conversely if he suffers I see that they will suffer. It is a lot to absorb. It has been a difficult week for me. I have been crying out the of blue with the realization that it is really over. I do still love him. God knows I love that man but my God did he change. It is hard to believe that the man I fell in love with is gone, but he really is gone. The man I fell in love with loved me with so much of his spirit and took care of me emotionally and made me so happy. Its been a lot of grieving. I liked him being in my house for the most part up until this sex video shit came up. But it is not the sex video that was the specific problem but the way he treated me, the shaming, the judging the belittling. He could have talked to me about the video without all the nastiness. It is already done with now, just hope he figures out how to be a father that my children deserve. 

My week has been low key. I have not had the mental energy to see the local guy again this week like I intended to. I was hoping tonight but I don't think it will work out. I still have this feeling like I want to touch him more or I want him to touch me more. I am not sure what it happening there, maybe all the alone time is catching up with me and I need some human touch. That is somewhat out of the ordinary for me but I do feel myself changing. 

This last year for me has been quite a monumental for personal growth. Thinking back to how far I have coming with my ability to take my power back in my relationship with JF and D. These were both many many years of not getting my needs met and me finally having the strength to take an active approach to getting what I need. I am proud of myself. I am proud of myself for meeting new people. That was a HUGE challenge for me and took a lot of determination for me to do it. White men... can I just highlight how to see a white man was something I NEVER thought would happen and I had to really swallow a lot of fears to get to the place that I could meet them. 

I talked to my Mom the other day about the challenges of cross-cultural relationships. I told to please slap me if I ever bring home another foreigner - she said "gladly" and emphasized her desire for me to be with someone who shares my cultural, not necessarily my race but my culture. There is this Jamicaian guy he messaged me on the dating website that I use...I just can't. The thought of getting into another relationship or situation with a man who did not grow up in the USA makes me feel exhausted. Im not saying that this country's culture is right or wrong I just want the shared experience to make life a little bit easier. 

The Shit Hit the Fan

 So evidently JF did stumble across the blog. If he remembers correctly he knew about it as well from back in the day when we started seeing each other but I am sure he does not remember. Maybe it did challenge his feelings like I thought it might based on the his reaction to me this evening. He made a comment about me fucking white guys now to which I replied "Yes would you like a video"? We kind of laughed about that but he was pissing me off because he was reading something on my phone and laughing. He made me feel like he was laughing at me. I asked him to stop, he did not. I told him it was time for him to leave, he did not leave. He kept laughing and I pressed that he need to leave, he said he would leave tomorrow and I said he needed to leave now. We were not yelling, just talking but he did seem to get mad when I told him he needed to leave now. He said (in front of our children), "I will leave your house tonight and you will never see me again". My son turned around and said "we will never see you again". He did not stop to console or back peddle and pressure the kids that he loves them and they will see him. He moved around the house collecting his things. About 15 minutes past and I told him my son was upset and asked him to reassure him and hug him and he walked right out the door. 

Im not ashamed of my blog or anything I do. If he chooses to read my blog he has that right. This blog is a creative outlet for me. It is a place I can say all the things I would never say to or admit to my regular relationships and I can muse about all the things that pass through my mind and in return some people throughout the world get a glimpse into my world. Maybe they understand women better...maybe they jerk off to it, maybe they judge me or shake their head at me. I don't care because it never has been about them. It brings me happiness and that is enough for me to do what I do. 

I am so sad about tonight. I feel like my kids deserve so much better and they had it at one time. JF used to be an amazing partner and father. I remember feeling so loved by him. I felt the love all the time, I knew he loved me. He was such a caring loving father. He would never do anything to hurt his children. He cared for these kids better then I did some days but I have not seen that part of him is such a long time.  I am still optimistic. I will not fight with him. And while I know part of the key to my kids happiness is the happiness and well being of their parents, I am not sure he gets that based on the way he has treated me. JF needs to find his way in life. Part of me can't help but feel sad for him because his life is a whole lot of struggle, but he never sees it is often of his own doing. I just want to move on. I want him to love his kids and I want him to be nice to me and lets just move on with this. 

So in other news I did see the neighbor today. That might have been the highlight of my day. I have a pic I wanted to share but it just not seem to be the right now. I might have to write that story another night. My mind is really full of relief that he is gone and sadness that he is gone. Why is everything in my life always in conflict with itself. I never feel completely one way or the either. I always love it and hate it no matter what it is. For everything good thing I see the bad and for every bad thing  I see the good. 

My baby girl just asked me if she will ever see her Dad again....I text him to see if he could talk to her but he did not answer. This is why I tried so hard and really why I let him take advantage of me like I did. Baby girls or boys should never worry about if they will never see their Daddy's again. 

I changed the code to my door. This did not make him happy. I never felt I had to do this before but after how he talked to the kids I thought I just don't want him to have free reign of my house when I am not here and I also don't want to be upstairs fucking the neighbor and have him think he can just walk in. He did it before...he will do it again. 

I just want life to get back to normal around her and have my house back and sanity. I don't regret bringing him into my house when he broke his leg because I love him and I was happy to help him when he needed it and I want my kids to see me helping their Dad and understand we help people when they need it. But also see that you can't treat me like shit and expect me to just take the emotional abuse.

Scent of a Man

 I went to get some routine bloodwork done today. I was all bent out of shape because my usual person is not there and it is some young black men. As far as I could tell he was attractive enough, with a mask on. He got on my nerves a little bit because I could not understand anything he was saying. I sit down in the chair and as he is getting ready to take my blood I am instantly brought back by the smell of him. He has this smell that is so familiar to me, but I don't know what it is. It is a black man smell. It is a soap or lotion that many black men use and as soon as I smelled it all I could think about were the gang bangs. Sucking a mans dick you get very close to him and can smell all the soap and lotions they use. Ive been cursed with a very strong sense of smell too. It was a instant flashback. While he was doing it I could not help but wonder if he would want to fuck me, could this be a man I have already fucked with, was he thinking about sex or was he viewing me like just another body. 

I talked with D again today. He shares little snip its about how he is feeling whenever I speak to him. For example he said that I never believe in him, which I was taken back by. I feel like it is true but how did he know I felt like that. He also was like kind and supportive. He called while I was trying to change out the pipe that runs outside to the hose and I could not get it to move. I just did not have the physical strength to move it. He tells me just to leave he will do it for me and tries to make me feel better about not being able to do it myself. Reminding me that he knows lots of men that dont even know how to do that shit and that at least I know how even if I did not have the physical strength. This was sweet and I got off the phone feeling pleased. We talked about seeing each other and frankly I am just not in the mood. I don't feel like it, my body does not feel like it. It is just a lot that goes into it.

I talked to the local guy today. I thought about telling him I wanted to come see him but I thought better of it. I don't know why I was feeling the way that I was yesterday and I don't want to feed into any unnecessary feelings. Although it did renew my faith that I might really find someone that I want to be with, but not be monogamous with. Im pretty firm on that. It weird too because this guy is like a guy that can take care of himself and has a good job and is stable. I find that more appealing than I ever have in my life. 

I thought about JF in my email and if he would have discovered my blog that shit really would have hit the fan in this house. SMH JF thinks the little videos posted online are a big secret but really it is this blog that would challenge his feelings. He would see a dramatic timeline of when I met him and how in love I was with him to how I fell out of love with him and lingered in a toxic relationship until I was strong enough to take my power back. He lost so much. 

Tomorrow I should be seeing the neighbor guy again. He wanted me to order a butt plug to make anal easier, I did. I was really in love with anal last month but this much I just want my pussy fucked and I can not be bothered with anything else. Particularly with him. His dick is so perfectly sized for my pussy it seem pointless to put it anywhere else. 

Do I Like Him?

 JF and I have been pretending everything is fine for the kids, but I am very angry with him. I don't know why he is still here but he will be leaving soon. I am not heartless, even when someone has done something wrong to me I have trouble inflicted pain on them. Then there are the kids, the more I can forgive and move on the better we will all be. But Im pissed this bitch is living off my couch and has the nerve to fucking rifle through my email. What was he looking for? I would assume it is safe to say that he still have feelings for me, because you don't do this kind of thing for someone you don't have feelings for. 

I don't think I will ever trust him in the same way I did. What was he hoping to find? He screen shot pictures of emails from this guy from the dating website. I just dont know what he was thinking, we have been separated for a year now. I did not start looking for men until after we separated. He is so stupid, he will never realize how good of a women he had. 

My house has become more normal in the last week after a much needed med change for my son. I feel like I am getting some of my energy back because I am not using it all to manage my sons behavior all the time. I think maybe I did not realize how much of a mental price I was paying for his instability. It feels really good. I feel invigorated. 

I went to see my local guy tonight. He has been trying fisting. He was able to get it all the way in tonight.  I really love that. He really makes my body feels good, I have just been sitting on the couch for the last hour enjoying the level of relaxation he brought me to. I did have a thought creep into my head... I thought I feel like I might like to like cuddle with him. As quick as I had this thought I pushed it away. What am I thinking? I just like the way my body feels so much after I feel like I might want to just lay with him for a few minutes. Then I thought about if I would like date him... and this surprised me a lot that I thought about this. He is intelligent and friendly, clean and kind, why would I not date him? Not that dating is on the table by any means I just noted the thoughts I was having.  I feel like I would not hate to lay on his couch and watch a movie with him, or maybe go out to dinner. Its weird. I don't often have these thoughts so it caught me off guard. Generally speaking I want the men away from me and I want to get in the shower as soon as I can afterward. I kind of get surprised when I like someone, there are so many people I don't like. 

More Trouble Then It Is Worth

 I check my email yesterday and I see that JF had fwd the link the sex videos of me posted online. This infuriated me that he was sending me the link because he is sending it in an attempt to shame me. I go down stairs and say to him "what the fuck is this email" he tells me someone we both know sent it to him asking him if he knows about because he thought we were still together. I asked him who it was and it says he will not tell me, but said there was more then the one video on there. I said that I knew that they were there and that it was not a problem for me. He send me the link and the message he responded to this unknown source is, he said to this guy "Very disturbing to see someone who thinks she is an example with a lot of her porn videos online, hope God will save my kids from this kind of TRASH". 

Now I could not care less that he knows about the videos, he does not remember but he saw the videos before because they were all made before I met him and he is the one that asked me to delete them. I don't care that someone saw me in them, I mean to be honest I kind of like that.  However what I am mad about is his comment and the way he used this to try to shame me.  It is just disturbing that he so quickly to talk shit about me over something so meaningless, I mean I am comfortable saying I am a good person and just because I like dick does not mean I am a bad example. 

He told me how in his country this was not acceptable and encouraged me to ask my family about how they feel about the videos. He said no "normal" person would ever post this type of video online. I talked to my sister about it today because I am pissed not for her approval but as I already knew she would not care. My family is very much about the as long as you are not hurting anyone then we are all good with just about anything. My parents were not always like this but when they found out about my alternative lifestyle they became much more accepting and since have adopted that school of thought will everyone else. We are a loving and nice family with values and morals. We follow the treat others how you would want to be treated rule and we love people more than we judge. The conversation was him trying to tell me that I was wrong. I tried to tell him he should have told whoever told him this that is was none of his (jf) business since we were not together. However he should still be supporting me and not trying to cause bullshit in my life for the simple fact that I am the primary caregiver for his children. And also he is living in my house. I can't help but shake my head because this asshole will never acknowledge everything I have done for him. 

I thought about this all day today. It has been aggravating me so much. Again it is not the videos, it was his comment and his attempt to shame me and make me feel bad about what I do. If he was concerned about the videos being there he could have come to me like do you know about this? But instead he was just such an asshole about it and then refusing to tell me who sent him the link. I told him that he should tell me so at least I know who it is watching the videos, but frankly I just want to get off on the idea. 

That same day the neighbor came over I told JF not to come back to the house until 930, when I knew we would be done. He said "he forgot" and was sitting in the driveway drinking his coffee in the car when he saw the neighbor coming out of the house and again tried to shame me about that. I reminded him that sex is normal and healthy and I am allowed to have sex. 

Based on his comments and behavior I would say that he has some jealously but in all reality he forgets I was totally devoted to him for such a long time, he is the one that changed things for our relationship. 

I went to work today, in person, for the 3rd time this year. It was good to get out of the house. I had an event to do in the community. Every free moment during the even that we had downtime I would find myself thinking about sex. It is my go to thought in my head. The event should not have illicted sexual fantasies but nonetheless I find myself standing there with a long-distanced glare on my eyes watching a random men and step by step visualizing them with their hard dicks in their hands and mounting me from behind. I mean seriously I tend not to have any other thoughts in my down time. 

D called me yesterday. He was talking about us living together again and how he would expect sex everyday, most likely every night and every morning. I just really listened to him talk and I knew better then to say too much. When I brought up that everyone needs a break he said "No and if you won't give it to me then someone else will". I feel like I am working with men with the emotional age of about 5 or 6. I feel like if he was able to articulate how he feels he would say that he was unhappy in his marriage because his wife stopped having sex with him almost as soon as they got married and that he was worried about that happening again, but what comes out....nothing but stupid "if you won't fuck me someone else will". And frankly he does not understand that sex with him is time consuming! I could fuck the neighbor guy everyday because he knows how to fuck quick and move on about his day but can also fuck longer. But D thinks every time needs to be a fucking marathon and christ between kids work sleep there is not a lot of time to just fuck for hours and I think it is very pathetic of him to not understand that. 

I thought about that today and I wanted to talk to him about that. He keeps talking about us "being tougher" but he need to spend some time with me and see how we feel about each other vs. talking about the stupidness he brings up. I don't have time for a man that can not give me some grace when I do not want to fuck. I told him last week I could not move because I hurt my back and that I would not be having sex with him if he lived with me because it was in a lot of pain. He did not seem to understand this. What does appeal to me about living with D is that sex becomes an almost non issue in my life. I don't have to look for it, I don't have to worry about when I can fit it in to my schedule. It just would free up a lot of my energy just to know I could do that whenever I wanted... and I guess even when I did not want to as well. 

I have been thinking I kind wish I had a  "boyfriend". I thought about T because he makes me happy when I talk to him he is one of the few men that I could see myself actually with, but I thought about that too and if I shared a house with him I don't think it would be long before I would feel a lot of anger for him as well. I like my relationship with T, it feels loving and supportive but also distant and non committal. I don't know if I need a committed relationship as I am sure you well know but I want that feeling of liking someone so much that you want to lay on the couch with them and watch tv together. I want that feeling that I like someone enough that I miss them and I care about them, but I still want to sit in my bed alone at night and watch the Golden Girls and not have to be worried about performing sex acts every night of the fucking week. Shit, D even talked about morning sex, which I love, and the times we have spent the night together it has been amazing to wake up to his dick sliding into my body but I swear to God my life is hard enough and busy enough do I have to worry about taking a dick every morning  before a start a full day of caring for 3 children and doing my job. It just seems like more trouble then it is worth!