This past week has been one of self reflection. I found myself spending a lot of time thinking about where I am at in life. After I see D I always feel this deep sense of contentment and I don't think about sex for days. His bruises still mark my body, I can still see his effects on my body even as my body starts to regain its sexual desire.
He called me again and I thought about how much I like to hear from him, but sadly I feel like we are in a place where we will never be able to spend the time I want together. And I still don't know if we would even get on each other nerves but I do want him. I want to be with him. I want to lay in bed with him everynight and talk politics and news and watch tv together. I want to listen to him talk about Trinidad and I want him to tell me what to do in his very fatherly way. I want to feel the pleasure of his dick every night. I have beens spending a lot of time just trying to allow myself to be alone and sit with those feelings so I can understand what it is that I want. It is really hard to sort it out. Last night I laid in my bed for hours and could not sleep. My aloneness was distracting me. I could not focus my thoughts I could not soothe myself, I just kept coming back to how I was alone in the bed, no man, no kids, just me and my thoughts.
I don't often have the silence to think but this was a rare night both of my kids went to be early and my mind was tired of all the games and tv shows I use to distract me.
While that is what I think I really want, D need to come into my life whole, and I specifically mean financially whole. I will not take care of another man in the way JF enjoyed me taking care of him. I think that is D's fatal flaw. He can do so much for me in so many ways but he does not seem to be financially stable and has not been for a very long time....it is a chronic problem. Chronic financial insufficiency is not going to be rectified at his age. At least I am not blinded enough by love at this point that I know that.
So where does that leave me? I look for another love of my life? Do I settle for a less than love feeling? I just give up and stay alone? How many men will I love deeply in my life? How many are there really out there? I have already deeply loved 3, gosh, I am not sure there will be more. The men that I have loved have really been so impactful on my life. I think about that a lot and how another man might impact my life and specifically my childrens lives.
It is so much to think about. And I always end up with the thought that God or the universe, which ever will lead me where I need to be. I do trust that life will guide us and if we pay attention we will get where we need to go.
JF took the kids to Target today. I was really relieved to see him want to do something with them. I feel like each time he acts like a father I feel just a little less scared that he will abandon them. But should I be mad that he spent $90 on toys and I have not gotten child support since September. I am trying so hard to be friendly with him and not hate him but that fucking shit is infuriating. It would be nice for me to give the children the joy of spending that much money on toys for them but every dollar I spend is budgeted because I am the only paying for their everyday existence....and their private school.
Every now and then I look through the dating app I have not been too into lately. I see all the messages. I still have a fear of white men. I feel like I have better chance of being killed by a white man vs. a black man and that is really one of the first things I think about. I may have watched one too many murder mystery about white men who kills their wives or girlfriends. I miss black men though. I notice myself looking at JF and really noticing his blackness and his skin. I am having trouble putting into words, but there is something about black men that I am missing out on during this white wave of men I have been into.
It might just been the way I feel with them since I think I do deep down fear white men on some level. That needs exploring I am sure. This therapy I have been doing lately is really opening up a lot of thoughts for me. I can't say I am enjoying it. It makes me feel like I have a lot of work to do on myself to process and heal from trauma and I don't really feel like I am up for it... but what is the alternative? Do I just keep spinning my wheel and doing the same thing over and over again until I die? I don't want to live like that, I am always trying to evolve.