Friday, May 28, 2021

Evolution

 This past week has been one of self reflection. I found myself spending a lot of time thinking about where I am at in life. After I see D I always feel this deep sense of contentment and I don't think about sex for days. His bruises still mark my body, I can still see his effects on my body even as my body starts to regain its sexual desire. 

He called me again and I thought about how much I like to hear from him, but sadly I feel like we are in a place where we will never be able to spend the time I want together. And I still don't know if we would even get on each other nerves but I do want him. I want to be with him. I want to lay in bed with him everynight and talk politics and news and watch tv together. I want to listen to him talk about Trinidad and I want him to tell me what to do in his very fatherly way. I want to feel the pleasure of his dick every night. I have beens spending a lot of time just trying to allow myself to be alone and sit with those feelings so I can understand what it is that I want. It is really hard to sort it out. Last night I laid in my bed for hours and could not sleep. My aloneness was distracting me. I could not focus my thoughts I could not soothe myself, I just kept coming back to how I was alone in the bed, no man, no kids, just me and my thoughts. 

I don't often have the silence to think but this was a rare night both of my kids went to be early and my mind was tired of all the games and tv shows I use to distract me.

While that is what I think I really want, D need to come into my life whole, and I specifically mean financially whole. I will not take care of another man in the way JF enjoyed me taking care of him. I think that is D's fatal flaw. He can do so much for me in so many ways but he does not seem to be financially stable and has not been for a very long time....it is a chronic problem. Chronic financial insufficiency is not going to be rectified at his age. At least I am not blinded enough by love at this point that I know that. 

So where does that leave me? I look for another love of my life? Do I settle for a less than love feeling? I just give up and stay alone? How many men will I love deeply in my life? How many are there really out there? I have already deeply loved 3, gosh, I am not sure there will be more. The men that I have loved have really been so impactful on my life. I think about that a lot and how another man might impact my life and specifically my childrens lives. 

It is so much to think about. And I always end up with the thought that God or the universe, which ever will lead me where I need to be. I do trust that life will guide us and if we pay attention we will get where we need to go. 

JF took the kids to Target today. I was really relieved to see him want to do something with them. I feel like each time he acts like a father I feel just a little less scared that he will abandon them. But should I be mad that he spent $90 on toys and I have not gotten child support since September. I am trying so hard to be friendly with him and not hate him but that fucking shit is infuriating. It would be nice for me to give the children the joy of spending that much money on toys for them but every dollar I spend is budgeted because I am the only paying for their everyday existence....and their private school. 

Every now and then I look through the dating app I have not been too into lately. I see all the messages. I still have a fear of white men. I feel like I have better chance of being killed by a white man vs. a black man and that is really one of the first things I think about. I may have watched one too many murder mystery about white men who kills their wives or girlfriends. I miss black men though. I notice myself looking at JF and really noticing his blackness and his skin. I am having trouble putting into words, but there is something about black men that I am missing out on during this white wave of men I have been into. 

It might just been the way I feel with them since I think I do deep down fear white men on some level. That needs exploring I am sure. This therapy I have been doing lately is really opening up a lot of thoughts for me. I can't say I am enjoying it. It makes me feel like I have a lot of work to do on myself to process and heal from trauma and I don't really feel like I am up for it... but what is the alternative? Do I just keep spinning my wheel and doing the same thing over and over again until I die? I don't want to live like that, I am always trying to evolve. 


Friday, May 21, 2021

The Triple

Shortly after I posted that last post, I took myself into the shower to wash away the remains of D off my body and as I took off my clothes and looked down, there was a bruise on my tit from where he had so intensely grabbed my breast. I touch it and smile. Last night was a lot and honestly there was a lot of friction from earlier with the neighbor yesterday so I was already starting the night just a little bit sore. Last night, the last time we fucked I told D "this is my last time for tonight" because my pussy just hurt. 

Sore but not broken because as I found myself with an hour and half alone in my house tonight I knew I needed to make the most of it. It is such a rarity that I could not let it go. I texted Ghost and he said he would be there. I instantly was taken back to the place of intense nervous excitement as if I have not already done this several times before. I was not a 100% how my body would react because I really felt used already going into this. He texted me he was at my house and I slip on my blindfold and I wait for  him. I hear him come in and I wait for any kind of reassurance that it is him and I wait for him to touch me. I am not accustomed to touching men or men touching me the way he touches me. I don't know what to do with it. I freaking love it. It hits me in this really intense way, but I can not exactly articulate it yet. His smell, the feel of his body, the physical closeness of our bodies. He has me take off all of my clothes.  This is one of those dynamic feelings that is equally good as it is bad. I like that he wants me to be naked and how he is touching my body, but there is a level of exposure that is good and bad and all just very intense. The whole experience is intense. All the sensations are intense. I found myself on my knees while he fucked me. I don't think about me not seeing his face when he is fucking me, I always have my eyes closed during sex anyway most of the time so it is not unusual but it is when he is done. The human things of getting dressed and the look on his face after he cums is something I don't get to see and I start to get curious about who this man is. I wonder, would I be attracted to him at all if I did not have this blindfold on. Or maybe I would be very attracted to him. What would my my beliefs of him be if I could see him, what are my implicit biases that would cloud my experiences with him? It makes me think that do I think D is so amazing because already have a predisposition to island men? Sometimes I think I just remember things the way I want them to be then for what they really are because in my head I already know that I  want to love it. With out seeing him I am left to judge my level of attraction based on only how he makes me feel, which is fucking good. 

So the last 24 hours was an amazing reminder of how much I love sex and how fulfilling it is to me. 



Thursday, May 20, 2021

Empowered

 I have been laying in my bed all day, reveling in the feeling of my body's satifaction from last night. I can smell him on my body and it makes me feel so connected to him. He came into my house, my kids were up and eating a snack and he easily interacts with and he is friendly and the little one asks him to sit on the couch and watch TV with her. I got the kids settled and we went up stairs to have some alone time. I think I may have claimed that I liked the neighbors dick more than D, but I misspoke. D's dick the most amazing thing I have ever encountered. And 18 years later I am still in love with it and with him. We laid in bed and watched some tv, just like I wanted. We talked, we reminisced, we spent time together. He fell asleep and I looked over at him, watching him sleep, and it just made me smile. He fucked me the way that I have been needing, more gentle than years before but still deep and completely. My kids, like a gift for god went to bed with little effort from me. There was this legitimacy about our relationship for the first time ever. He was in my house, in front of my kids and everyone knew he was there to visit me. I still took my sleeping pill because I had all intention of sleeping and we very easily fell in and out of sleep, him pulling my body toward him and entering my body, giving it everything it needs. He needed to leave early so I hear him in the shower and listen to him brush his teeth and get dressed. He came over to me to say good by and I tell him to give me a hug and he sits down on the edge of the bed and I lay my head on his lap and wrap my arms around me. I don't know what he was saying at that point, I just remembering how good I felt. He left and I drifted back into to sleep. 

I got up to take the kids up to school and came back to just enjoy my body and this feeling of being in my own space and making my own rules in my life. I feel like a real grown up with the ability to do whatever the fuck I want to do. It has been an amazing 24 hours of my life. I don't remember feeling so empowered in my life ever. 


Wednesday, May 19, 2021

Bad Bitch Mode

 I have been feeling like a bad bitch lately, like some feminist powerful shit. I like it. The feeling of sadness left me for a few days and I have reveled in the aloneness and the ability to live in the way that I want. I have also been feeling a coming to terms with my body. I don't love my body at the weight I am at. It is hard for me sometimes to acknowledge that but I think it is important for me to be honest with myself. At this point it is not about vanity and looking good it is about my health. As I get older and I start to see that weight makes some shit harder I begin to contemplate real effort to change my unhealthy habits. I would say I am in a pre-contemplation phase. I am not my body, my spirit is not limited by my body size, but my body size does make life difficult sometimes. I don't love the way my face looks right now and the fact that my clothes are not feeling the way I want them to. In my bad bitch mood I have been brave enough to allow myself to acknowledge that I am not thrilled with my body. And in the words of any good therapist "and that's okay". And it is ok. The stronger I get the closer I get to getting that area of my life under control. 

I got to see my neighbor today. As I type I feel like there should be a confetti gun and bells going off. It made me HAPPY. We struggled a little bit with our shcdule and if I am being honest I ended a meeting with my staff early to make it happen. There were hurdles to get him here, but it happened. I finished typing an email as he got undressed and casually moved all the blankets off my bed and laid down. He was different today. He was stressed. He was very directive with how I should suck his dick and touch him. I am not mad about that because I want to make people happy. The more I know the better I can do and I want him to leave with a positive memory. However it just felt extra directive. Then I noticed he wanted to watch porn while he was fucking me. Now I had mixed feelings about this. I love porn and I really do like to watch it when I get fucked sometimes. When the local guy fucks me we almost always have porn on, but I started to feel like he was not really fucking me but that he was just fucking. Now it felt amazing and he fucked me a long time because he could not cum. He tried and tried to cum and even started a new video, and then told me to be quiet. And then told me to lay still. I am laughing about it now while I type it. I was trying not to even breathe while this man was on top of me having a sexual experience that had very little to do with me. He was sweating, there was a lot of sex noises our bodies were making, he would stop and breathe a minute and he would start again telling me exactly how to move and to just "keep the noises in my head".LOL The man was struggling to cum. I was enjoying all of the dick but at last he could not continue and he laid down and told me to lay next to him and suck on his nipple and touch is balls while he jerked off. He was sweaty and hot and this made me excited. I do somewhat like to watch him jerk off. It is very intense and I feel like today it was extra intense because of his mental place. He did finally cum and I had about 2 minutes to get dressed and get in the car to get the kids from school. He talked about how stressed he has been and I am starting to see that him not seeing me really was about him. I feel better but the whole situation, and even ok if I don't have his dick for awhile. 

D is coming over tonight. He will be here in about a half hour, which means he will see the kids. I told the kids he was coming over. My daughter (his daughter) rolled her eyes and expressed her dissatisfaction, but the other two were indifferent. I am not sure how I feel. I am part excited to see him in a legitimate way, like not sneak him in and out of my house, and in part Im already tired and I just want to sleep and I know I will not get any sleep tonight. I also feel like he will have an expectation of crazy sex and shit can we just fuck and watch tv together? I just don't want the extra pressure just relaxation. I worry about my house being clean enough, but not worried enough to do extra cleaning. He talked about all the toys the last time he was over. He feels like one of these old school 1950's husbands that tell their wife how to do everything. I am feeling just a little too Dom tonight to listen to it. 

Things have improved slightly with JF, I asked him for help the other day and he exceeded my expectations. I really felt less alone. It felt better like we have moved to a friendship level. And he has been helping out taking the kids out at night. It is not where I want it to be but it is trending in the right direction. At least for now. When I really sit back and take stock of all the people in my life that love me and will help me I feel less alone. Sometimes it feels lonely but I have some amazing people standing behind me and letting me lean on them when I need to. 

I had an interview for work yesterday. It is a third time I have interviewed with the same women. She already must know if she thinks I am right for this job or not, so why are they making me go through the motions. Throw me a bone. I am feeling like I might need a employment change as well. My current job has been so incredibly flexible and that has kept me there but the job market is in a state that I can defiantly find something else probably paying more. For the first time in a long time I am feeling more comfortable stepping out of my comfort zone and seeing what is out there in the world. Like I said.... I am feeling like a bad bitch. 

So Ghost is still around. He has been a little bit off my radar because he has been you know living life and I had my period etc... but today I was in a store and I stood there and a man stood next to me that met the criteria and general description of Ghost and I was reminded here is this man in the world that knows me so intimately and I do not know his face or his name and I would really only maybe recognize his voice if I heard it. It reinvigorates me every time I think of it. 

The local guy is kind of out or reach for a few weeks, as his daughter is home from college. I have been so spoiled and ungrateful for the readily available dick he has provided me over the last few months that I feel like I almost owe him an apology. Almost. I so use him and whenever it is convenient for me, with very little regard for him. I treated him, like most men treat women. He is not complaining but it is unnatural for me to be so callous and not devote myself to a man in any sexual relationship. That is perhaps the things  I love about my transformation over the last year. I don't feel like I need to devote myself to any man, I am shifting my thoughts to the devotion to myself and taking what I need and want from the men in my life and leaving it at that. Sometimes I feel like a sexual predator taking the hard dick of all the men I want and leave them with nothing but unreplied texts and a promise of I will see them when I can. I did not know I had it in me!

Thursday, May 13, 2021

Stacking the Team

I have had low motivation these last few days. I wanted to see the local guy but by the time the end of the day came and I was able to I just could not bring myself to drive the 4 minutes and climb the 5 flights of stairs. I was so on the fence last night. I wanted to see him but I told him "not tonight" then he said that was ok but he would be out of town until Monday. That motivated me enough to get out of my own way. The thought of waiting til Monday did not sound good to me so I warned him I was coming in my pajamas and he left door unlocked for me and waited for me in bed. There is about 15 feet between where I park my car and his front door so I felt good about wearing my t-shirt type pajamas and no panties or bra. It is usually darker no one is every around, but not this night. Tonight the neighbor had his outdoor light on and there a few people out walking dogs. I had not felt uncomfortable walking to my own car in my pajamas but it did feel like the walk of shame as I tried to get out of the car without flashing people. I head up the stairs, the fucking endless stairs, and find him in his bed. I felt so happy in that moment to connect with another adult. His bed was made nice and all I could think of is why the hell did he make his bed. I still have my period so tonight was just about me sucking his dick, which also felt good and something about just being an adult and not having kids around makes me happy. I am very aware that this 30 minutes I am spending with him is the only time in this day that I will not have a child under my feet. I have enough of dick sucking and I tell him to come fuck me. These directives always stun me when they come out of my mouth. It is almost like an out of body experience, I can hear myself speaking and telling this man what to do but at the same time I am I can not believe what I am hearing. Truthfully I just wanted to do it and go and because it was late and I needed to get the middle child to sleep before too late and I felt guilty for going out at all. He happily jumps up and move to the edge of the bed. He starts to fuck me from behind. I hear myself moan that deep guttural moan I hear in my videos from time to time. It is like I am almost watching myself from afar. I am taken back by the amount I am enjoying this. I frankly was nervous I would not be as satisfied with no fisting and no oral but again I was pleasantly surprised. 

Most of my life I just kind of float through waiting for experiences that give me enough joy to keep me going. I am starting to worry about the depression returning. Ive been so exhausted lately and having trouble focusing and I feel sad sometimes. I think it is normal sadness but it is hard to tell. I think that what I am going through with JF it is normal to be impacted and be sad. It is hard to tell for me what is in the realm of normal. I just do not like to feel all the feelings. I don't want to cry and be sad and grieve for then end of this relationship. I remember being sad for a hot minute last time I got divorced but I immediately got pregnant and there was no time to focus on sadness. This time I feel like there is nothing but time to focus on sadness. But it is not all bad. There are moments of intense pleasure and contentment. These moments usually come when I am alone and in the car. I think about life and how I am doing what I want for the first time as an adult....well doing what I want with out having to lie about it or having to sneak around. Im owning it. For a long time now I have had to live my life on someone else's values. Now it is my values that are driving my activities. That brings me intense pleasure. There is a little bit of loneliness there but I think that will subside as I just get used to doing my own thing. 

Work has been really hard for me this last year. I am in my 3rd position in the last year and I am about to interview for my 4th. It just feels like I have not been able to really commit to a position because it is constantly changing and I am constantly learning new procedures and contracts and my brain is tired. Big picture I am lucky to have a job because of the massive cuts but in my own world it has been fatigue inducing process. If I get this new position it will mean more learning and redevoting myself to a new cause. If I don't get it I will be stuck in the same position of trying to do my best where I am at but looking for something new all the time. So right... normal for me to feel a little sad about all of this?

This is the kind of conversation I would like to have with a partner. I want someone to talk to and help me figure out the answers to this. I talk to my friends and family but I want that intimacy of a partner to notice the subtle changes in my demeanor. I notice you can sometimes see it in my writing and when I look back at post I see that sometimes I have been in a very depressed state. 

I have not really talked with ghost. I mean I have had my period so playtime was not really an option with him but maybe we will connect again soon. I am interested and playing with him more and pushing boundaries a little bit. You know with pressure of life, it is just hard to fit in playtime often. It was just intense lust those first few times we met, it is like, at least for me, I just could not get enough. I hope the feelings of that intense lust stay around awhile. There is a lot of fantasy potential there. 

I had a moment the other day that led me to believe that maybe I rely too heavily on sex to ease my tensions and I need to think about that a moment. The neighbor said to me he may not be able to see me for the next couple of weeks because of his schedule and some shit he has going on, then we are running into summer time and the kids will be home. I legit started to cry. He is my regular dick. Regular big, always arrives hard dick, that makes me feel very good. I had to consult my friend on this one because I was so upset. I assumed he was ending our situation or relationship or thing. It felt like the time I was like 11 and I went away to camp and when I got home my mom told me that she gave my beloved security blanket to the feral cats outside and saved me a 5x5 scrap of it. It kind of felt like that punch to heart where my whole life was being twisted upside down. In a matter of seconds I have told myself a story that I won't see him again and how will I survive without this regular sexual relief? It was intense. And I can not stress enough that it was not about him. He is nice and everything but my life would not be impacted if I never spoke another word to him, but the loss of the dick or the anticipated loss of the dick was more then I could tolerate. I cried to my friend and she wheeled me back in and the next day he tried to get over here but out schedule did not mesh and we are trying to make it happen but its been hard. At least I know he is interested still and he was not trying to break it off. My friend said to me " I see why you like to stack your team to deal with the unexpected changes". EXACTLY. I don't ever want to me left feeling that awful feeling of needing sex so badly and not having anyone to call without having to meet someone new. It is like making sure you always have your staples in your pantry. I don't really need 10lbs of pasta in my pantry but you never know what is coming up and I may not be able to get what I need and at least I won't go hungry. 

This has been a theme in therapy for me, the intolerance to feeling like I can't get my needs met, the intolerance to not having the things I want or need. It some deep childhood shit, that I may need to address but I am pretty sure the direct result of what I think of as emotional neglect as a child has led me to over indulge in things that bring pleasure.

This has been very therapeutic for me tonight. I feel lighter now that I have just given a voice to all the things I have been thinking. 

Saturday, May 8, 2021

Bitch Session

 My friend and I spend so much time together our cycles are now synced, so we are both feeling like absolute bitches. I found myself today questioning God. Im not quite sure why women have so much struggle in their life and why it seems that all the burdens in the world fall on women. 

The last few days I have really been exhausted, most likely because of my period, but it is the kind of exhaustion that knocks you down. Last night we went to my parents for a family party and I literally could only lay on the couch at my Mom's house and try to garner enough strength to drive home. I got there at 3:30. I can not sleep to take a nap but my body struggles to stay awake by the time we get home at 8pm. I fall in and out of sleep in my bed with my kids next to me as they play and watch TV. I feel guilty because I would like to be engaging with them more, enjoying their company, but I am in a coma. We eventually all fall asleep and when I wake in the morning I feel ok, but still exhausted enough that I feel like I need to text their Dad (JF) to fucking help with these kids so I can sleep. I ask him (on this Mothers Day Eve) if he can watch the kids and put them the bed so I can go to bed early and catch up on some sleep. He tells me no. He tells me that I told him to leave my house and that he will never come back in again. So that relegates me to never having him help as a parent? This made me sad. I frankly can not believe he is being so cold and careless. I know I have said this a million times but why does he not understand that he children will only be as happy as their Mother. If their Mother suffers they will suffer. It is so simple and yet so profound and he still holds on this child like notion that he will not physically come into my house. And he does not have a place of his own so that is that. I get no child support, I get no help from him. I don't want to sound like I am whining but for the love of Christ what did I do in my life to deserve this level of callousness from him? 

I called my sister today to talk about JF, she was in the car with her family and I hear her husband singing rough rider with the kids in the car and having fun. I felt so many things about this. First I feel like I am too tired to have this kind of fun with my kids most days and I was sad for my kids for that. But also I missed not having a partner to do fun shit with. I miss having fun in life with my partner with my kids. My only fun is sex, which is amazing, and I love but I have such a strong sense of family that is weighs on my spirit that I am struggling so much to get by - emotionally and physically. 

I think I am finally going to get a sleep study done to determine why I don't sleep and just make sure I don't have some kind of issue that is making me so tired. Did I mention that's the neighbors profession, I was his patient once before and the thought of him being my person during a sleep study made me think hard about fantasies that I could live out. 

I feel so negative today, I know it is my period but it is hard to sort these feelings out. I know that ending this relationship with JF has taken a toll on me. It has sucked a lot of energy from my spirit and I am still learning on how I can resolve the feelings I have about him and our children and co parenting. I am trying so diligently to feel positively about him because I want my kids to love him and adore him that sometimes I am not giving myself the space to feel all the pain that he has caused. He has caused unending amount of suffering for me and I am so sad I let it go on as long as I did. 

Im not sure if I can open myself up again like I did. I don't know if jumping all the way in is something that I will ever do again. The stakes are too high. I don't know if my heart can survive a 3rd loss of a long term relationship. Coincidently it was 10 years ago today that my 1st husband told me he wanted a divorce. 10 years after I see that it needed to end, I value him as the friend we always were and I count on him in so many ways in my life. And it is about 1 years since I ended my relationships with JF. I feel like I have not made as much emotional progress with this relationship ending as I would have hoped for. The last time I got pregnant right away and I feel like there was no time to worry about the ending of a marriage. I had so so so many more things to deal with at that time. 

And not for nothing but all the men that message me I find it exhausting to sort through nonsense and not that I am complaining but the men that I have clicked with seem to fulfill my sexual needs but there is another part of me that wants the companion. I just don't know. I live my life of try to live my life in a way that I let whatever comes my come and a strong belief that the "universe" or God will bring what I need in my life when I am ready. 

Just to circle back, this kind of self-reflection and intense emotional direction is a direct result of the hormone surge happening in my body. Why it does not mean what I am feeling is not valid it is just so intense and vibrant as a result and why God, why is it so hard for women? 

I saw this headline on NBC news the other day, "women sets fire to home with someone inside and sits in a lawn chair and watches it burn". Literally every woman I know can relate to that feeling and feels compassion for this women because we just know the struggle she was having and how she succumbed to her internal rage. 

If women are not dealing with period and reproduction issues, there is the constant fear of being violated and feeling unsafe in so many situations. The beauty standards, the mom guilt, the constant need to be seen as sexy, unfair wage gaps, the subtle sexual discrimination at work is all a lot for women to deal with. 

So just as a public service message this Mother's Day, think about all the women in your life and all that they manage and accept. Be cognizant of their struggle and show some appreciation. No human being works harder than a Mother does and know one deserves more grace then them. 

Thursday, May 6, 2021

Goals

 I find myself in the weird place of contentment this week. There are moments in my life where I find peace and I like to document it. It is just a sense of contentment with the way everything is right now. I love this feeling of I have created a life that provides happiness for me and fulfills me. These feelings often don't come and when they do they are fleeting. I want to roll around and soak in this feeling that being single will give me everything I need. 

I find myself looking at couples and wondering if I would be happier paired off, but even the marriages that I know that have stayed together (and there are not many of them) they are not without problems and not without sacrifice. As long as I have remembered I have wanted to be a Mother, this felt like my purpose is fulfilled and I am not sure of the upside of being in a relationship. It is not lost on me that someone may come along and sweep me off my feet and I will fall so deeply in love with them that I will want to be with them all the time, but I am having a hard time even envisioning that. I have not had a lot of loves in my life but I have loved them all deeply and its exhausting and frankly who has energy for that. 

There is this women at the school. I have seen her a few times and she is always walking around with no bra on. Now her breast are like my breasts, they look as though they have breastfed babies, and they are similar in shape and size. I only go without a bra at home, I would never not wear a bra in public. The other night I was considering wearing a bra on my encounter with ghost when I was wearing a t-shirt dress and no panties. There are times, like now, where my breast are so swollen and sore from my period that not wearing a bra is problem magic and here is this women with these big baby feed breast swinging from side to side. Not once or twice on a bad morning but every time I have seen her. Like today she was dressed nicely just no bra. I want to know the back story on that. Her husband does not say to her "babe you really should put a bra on when you to the school"? Then I thought maybe he likes her big motherly looking tits and likes to have easy access to them. Maybe she has some kind of medical problem and can't wear a bra. I spent a long time thinking about this today. 

D calls me to talk about nothing a couple times this week. He still is planning to come see soon. I still feel like all I want to do is sleep and I am trying to figure out how someone can watch my kids so I can work sleep into my schedule. I am also thinking about D fucking me when I am in an Ambient induced asleep and how wonderful it would be to literally be woken up to the feeling of his dick. 

I was talking to this friend of a friend the other day, who said she has not had sex in 15 years. I don't know if I can even wrap my head around that. No sex for 15 years! I don't know how people do it, My first ex husband went a long time but not 15 years and JF could go awhile as sex is just not a priority. It further convinces me I have too much of some kind of hormone that makes you want to have sex. I don't think my desire to have sex is normal, it can't be. If the majority of society felt like me nothing would get accomplished. I do have moments of contentment that I had this week. When I talk about contentment it is not just a sense of peace from a mental health perspective but also a feeling of satisfaction in sexuality. This week I was free from this unending desire for sex, but today I felt it creep back up. I was in a zoom and zoned out for a few minutes while I thought about if I want to have sex or not, then some where in there I was committed I would get out my toys and see if that was what I  was needing. Yes! I spent the next 40 minutes having orgasm after orgasm. I feel like I did not realize how badly my body was craving that. I just think that my body physically NEEDED that after only 4 days without sex what must this girl who has not had sex in 15 years be going through? Does her body not recognize sexual desire? It is all a mystery to me. 

Some times I think about if this feeling will leave me, will I ever get to the point where I am just not interested in sex? I was watching some thing on the internet a few months ago. It was an interview with a 90 year old women. She had casual sex with lots of different people. She said in the interview that she would meet these young guys in a coffee shop and if they were likable enough she "would take them upstairs and fuck them" and she talked about not using protection because at her age she essentially did not care. I thought to myself - GOALS. That would be amazing to have some hot young guys fucking me into my 90's. 

Sunday, May 2, 2021

Ghosted

 It is like I just can not get enough. We were not able to see each other Friday but I took advantage of the time I was able to get away on Saturday. I am so hooked, this is why I compared this to other situations I have had with men that I get so excited and like a child with a well-loved toy I wear it out. Or at least from my perspective it is what is feels like. Dominant men says they want a submissive devoted to them, but often when they get it they do not know what to do with it. I think a lot about our encounters and all the encounters that I can orchestrate with him. I sift through the fantasies I want to achieve and get giddy in the realization that I , at least for now, found some one that just knows how to excite me. Again the other, they also excite me but he touches on the submission. The submission is what I miss, that I did not even know I missed. I think for some part of me I thought maybe I changed and maybe it was not something I liked anymore but I was wrong. I really like it. Submission completes me. 

He needs a name. And I think I have begun to use too many letter that it is too hard to keep them straight, so I am moving on to nouns at least for now. He is simply "ghost" because his encounters with me are like he is a ghost. No one else see hims, I can't see him, I only know he is there when he is ready to let me know he is there and he is gone just as fast as he appeared and with out a trace. 

We agreed to meet in what I am no calling our spot in the car. It is so empty and country. I am looking out to an vast open field and I sit in my car waiting for his text. Wearing an easy casual dress and no panties. I wait. He does not park close to me this time. He parks 30 feet away, I see the lights of his car and I turn my head so I don't see his car. I don't want to what kind of car it is, because I will look for him in my life. He tells me to get in the back and put my blindfold on. I tell him to give me 10 seconds and I breathe. I freak out a few seconds and put it on and nervously wait for his arrival. It takes for what feel like for ever. He walks over from his car, so I did not hear the car or his door open and shut. There was not warning. One moment I am in the stillness and silence alone and the next I hear the door clicking open. He slides in next to me. I am more prepared for him than I was the night before. When he kisses me I enjoy it more because I am not thinking "what is happening". I notice that I don't touch him, he encourages me to touch him by reminding me with a whisper in my ear that I am allowed to touch him.  I don't know readily know what to do with that. Some Doms don't want to be touched and that is what I am used to. I am not even aware of what I am doing or not doing while he is whispering in my ear. My body is reacting to him, my heart is racing, my senses are overwhelmed. We make it work in the car, but I struggle to get the depth that I want. I have a vision of me sitting on his lap leaning forward with my legs spread so I can get the dick like I want it. I frankly think logistically this will be hard and blindfolded it might be extra hard. I end up on my knees while he fucks me from the back. When we finished I was panting a little, the windows were steamed up and I was sweating a lot. I heard the door open and him collect himself and I though he walked away but then he took my face and kissed me again and left. I sat there in the seat panting and breathing hard, waiting for his text so I can take off my blindfold. I take it off and I am looking at the empty vast field in front of me. I need to work on composing myself and I slip into the front see and drive off. I still feel orgasmic as I drive. Out of no where I being to tear up and cry a little in the intensity of it all. I have another orgasm as I drive and tears roll down my cheeks. It is such an amazing release. I don't know why I cry sometimes. I think it just the tension releasing from my body, I was not sad but felt so satisfied. 

I get home, I can smell him in my hair, it reminds me how close we are, physically close when we play. I had planned to get into the shower right away but I just wanted to sit with it and reminisce in the scent and the feeling of my wet used pussy. 

We texted it a little bit today and delved into the fantasies and other getting to know you questions. I so wish I could have seen him again tonight. There was no shortage of desire, but I was not going to ask. I don't want to get in the habit of asking him to see him. That does not work out well. Much like many of my relationships if anyone wants to see me they will need to make that known to me vs. me telling them I want them. 

The local guy has been texting me again. I think he was just busy, but I always assume it is me. I assume my sex is not good enough or he is bored with me or some other reason in my head. It is part of my pathology to assume I am not good enough or I have done something wrong. I am working on that part of myself. 

I went to see the local guy tonight. I had about 30 minutes and I jumped in the car and headed over. We headed upstairs and it was weird to be there in the day light. We have a very specific dance we do. I suck him, he goes down on me, he fists me on occasion and we then we fuck. The fisting is amazing. It feels like a guilty pleasure. I should not like it, I don't even want to like but I love it. I love the feeling when he is inside me. He tries to take it out, I clearly tell him no not yet I am not done with it. I did fist a women once. I did not dislike it. It was strange. It is a strange feelings but it again feels powerful to bring that kind of pleasure to her.

He fucked me from behind, pulled his dick out and came on my ass. I was weak as I stood there bent over with my dress up and he wiped the cum off my ass. I put my panties back on and headed out the door. There is was nothing to even say, we were just deep breathing and enjoying the moment. We walked down the stairs as we always do and we get to the door and I say "alright have a good night" and says the same and I walk out...feeling so satisfied. 

I stress about the fisting and fucking. I don't want to have him fist me and my pussy will not be tight for him to fuck me. Maybe he likes it tight or not, Idk what he likes so I texted him to ask for clarity. He seems to reasonable when I talk to him. I still would not mind spending some more time with him on another level, like building a friendship maybe? I don't know really what to call it, just seems like a nice person, but maybe there is just the not right kind of chemistry for us. 

I did more of clearing JF things out of my house. It felt good. It feels so nice as I keep reclaiming my home.