Saturday, June 19, 2021

Rejection

 Part of me does not want to even blog about this because I don't want JW to have the satisfaction of getting a sense of what I am feeling. I want him to just wonder, but I am so upset that I feel like I have no other outlet then my blog. The reunion with JW did not happen. His plans were to get the oil changed on his bike and then come down to see me. He told me that there was something wrong with his bike and they were working on it. He sends me a pic of where he is at because he assumed I thought he was lying. I find the interesting looking back on it. Maybe he was lying and over killing the story with some old pics. Nonetheless, when he told me he might not be able to drive down here I said so am I just coming up there to meet you? He said "that's a possibility". I did not understand why it was only a possibility and not a plan given he had the day away as it is and if he could not ride his bike I would just come to him. Whats the problem there... like I always say "Im flexible". His last message was at 10:38 he said he was tired of sitting there in the sun and he was getting aggravated. This was the last text from him. So I had childcare lined up. I had the house to myself for hours and this son of a bitch just ghosted me. At like 12 I was pretty confident that was a wrap, and D happened to call just as I made that conclusion. It was like a reminder of D unfulfilling but steadiness in our "micro relationship". He is who he is and for the record he would never stand me up like that. 

Part of me reserved anger because I was legitimately concerned for his well being. But in the mean time I tried  to pull together some adult entertainment for myself on this quiet Saturday afternoon. No one was available. Some people did not even text me back (I will note that for future reference that I could not even get a text back).  I ended up doing much of nothing with my alone time and ended it with some masturbation. At the very least I had a chance to do that. 

JW has this history of this behavior. I think I so want him sometimes that I forget about his previous transgressions. And maybe something happened and maybe I will be sorry for my words but short of great personal injury there is no reason for him to have not called me or texted me or emailed me or visited me. I would NEVER treat someone so callously as to just ghost them and not touch base. I am a person with feelings. I tried not to be upset but I am really upset. I was yelling at my kids and I could feel the misplaced anger pumping in my veins. I am so angry. Why does he do things like this? And why have I tolerated it? 

The same with JF, I tolerate so much bullshit and I have over the years. And as I just wrote that a light bulb went off and I am seeing what D sees and why he was so frustrated with me the other day. I have trouble "Writing people off". I hate to cut ties and bonds because I always see the person for all the good things they have done for me and with me and how good they make me feel. I usually toss the bad up into the nobody is perfect category and keep it moving. However, some people do not treat you like you treat them. Not everybody knows the golden rule in life to treat others how you would want to be treated. And why I do live my life that way and I always want to be forgiven when I fuck up so I forgive, this creates more situations like this one with JW.  So a whole fucking day of my life was fucked up because this man did not think enough of me to call me. And for the record I have cheated on men my whole life. Even if you were with your wife you could have found a minute in the bathroom even to call me or text me. Shit run to the store for a second. I even texted his legitimate phone and restrained myself from calling him on that number. 

Tonight I am feeling very emotionally exhausted. I am miserable and I am hurt and I am struggling to not let this bring me to tears. I don't understand it, I would never treat anyone like this, let alone someone that I like in someway. 

I am going to hang out with my friend soon and I am going try to put this behind me. I hope I can shake this feeling of deep rejection that is just sitting in my chest. 

Friday, June 18, 2021

Not Much Has Changed

 On these eve of my scheduled encounter with JW, I wanted to relive my last meeting with him and I really wanted to recall my first meeting with him. I have known him for so long, I can not figure out when he made his appearance in the blog. It is so funny I can recall a very specific conversation we had and where I was when we had it and I can narrow it down to I knew him in 2010 but I don't remember when we first met. I am excited for this meeting. 80% excited, 20% nervous. Part of me just wants to touch him and have him touch me but not in the way that I usually have sex with people. For example I only touch the neighbor and the local guy what ever is necessary in order to have sex, there is no extra touching. In fact if I do touch them unnecessarily I am very aware of it and it gets into my head. I find this kind of hands off sex does creep into my relationships too. I am so used to quelling my desire to touch because it is just not that type of party and I do it even when touching is okay. I want to touch JW, I want him to touch me. I am getting more nervous as I think about it. I think I will record it, so maybe there will be a video. Making videos of spontaneous sex is hard and editing people's faces out is hard too. 

As I was reading through some old posts I see how little things have changed. I think in my head I try to tell myself that I have grown and I think the way things impact me has lightened but I am still having the same conversations with D, I am still experiencing high and lows and intense moments of peace in the quiet and stillness of my alone time. I still have intense sexual desire and equally low levels of desire. I notice that I have even used some of the same phrases. I am not sure if anyone else has seen my growth or if I am just trying to make myself feel better believing that I have grown as a person. But sadly I feel like I need to do better and that fundamentally I am still the same person I was 20 years ago. So while that begs the question do people really change? I am thought they do. I believe I had changed until I felt so close to those words that were written so long ago. 

And the local guy did not even call me this week..... what is up with that? I can't lose to regulars in one month, that will not work well for me. 

I have tried to talk with this guy with the intentions of "dating". I feel like it is not flowing. It feels backwards to me. Why do I  need to get to know someone to figure out if we are sexually compatible first. I just want to try sex first, then we can talk about more things. I am afraid if I bring things up in this way I will be dismissed as a whore and never taken seriously as a girlfriend. The desire to be someones girl friend is creeping in on me. I feel it seeping into my thoughts without my even knowing, I will see a couple and feeling some pangs of jealousy. 

My ex(the first one) came over for dinner yesterday with his girlfriend. She is a lovely women. They have been off and on for a year or so. I like her and my daughter likes hanging out with her so I feel like it is a win win. As we were sitting there talking I see the nuances of their relationship and how they feed off each other. I want that connection with another human being. I really want it. I want someone to tell me that they love me and show me that they love me. And hang out with me and hug me and just stand by me as I walk through life. I want to feel that connected to another person again. 

I feel like I just want a do over, like can I go back 15 years and try again. I don't like to think about my relationship with JF as a waste of time and I know that my children came from that relationship but I do feel like I was cheated out of something that could have been better and lasting and more fulfilling. He continues to barely see the kids. I hate him today, Im trying to be positive but I just hate him and I hope God will punish him for all the ways he took advantage of me. 

So that is where I leave things. Excited for a reunion 10 years in the making with JW and regretful I went back into the blog to look at old posts. 

Thursday, June 17, 2021

The Micros

Yesterday was one of those days that I just wanted a man in my life. I wanted a hug, I wanted to go out to dinner, and then I wanted to be fucked. It was a very stressful day at work and I just needed someone to lean on and someone to distract me. I feel like the men I would have leaned on for this, or the ones that I feel comfortable enough asking for a hug, well those men are so physically and logistically our of reach for me. The exist but not close enough to me that I can say come down and see me. I thought and almost called D. However after our last exchange I felt like I am not calling his ridiculous ass. I can not do it. He made me feel like shit when all I did was call him because I missed him. It is so toxic. I don't know what he wants and I am tired of always feeling like I live in a place of unknowing with me. The other men I have these "micro" relationships with, I know how they feel about me. I know the level in which they like me and other then the sense of wanting more from them in terms of "dating" but in general the situation feels nice to me. I like that I know there are these men who like me just the way I am, not like me enough to make me their legitimate girl friend but they value me in some small way and I value them for what they give to me. I don't view that as toxic but maybe it is, because it is just enough of a distraction for me to keep my head out of a relationship. 

I am not sure if I covered this, I don't think I did, but the neighbor guy essentially broke up with me. He told me that shit has gotten really difficult at his house with his wife and there was an incident and he did not want to fuel the fire until they were further along in their separation. We also both agreed that his wife finding out the the woman who lives 3 houses down was fucking her husband would be problematic for community living. It was not like he does not want to do every again, but like we need to cool it off for awhile while he gets his shit together. I was not upset. I felt like we had a good conversation about it and I am impressed with his self control in this arena. I know for me it is almost impossible to say no to sex that I like for any reason. I have noticed in the last few days, I kinda miss chatting with him. I maybe talked to him more then I realized. It was a good 9 months and I am sure I will see him again, but it does create a need in my life that I need to fill. That was good, big weekly dick. 

I have been kinda of excited about meeting new people lately. I feel like there is potential for me to connect with someone again. Im strongly optimistic. I do want a real relationship. I feel like it is time. Where does that leave the micro relationships? So many possibilities. 

I am suppose to see JW this weekend, for the first time in 10 years. I say suppose to because I am never sure it will actual happen with him, I did have plans to meet him years ago and he did not show up. (He said he fell asleep). I am trying not to get to excited about it until I know he is on his way but I am already thinking about the details and visualizing all the ways he will touch me and how we will connect after sex and I wonder how my body is going to react. My body does what it wants to do sometimes and I notice that sometimes my body has a different reaction then my mind. I can not wait to give the play by the play of this experience...if it happens. 

Saturday, June 12, 2021

Confidence

 Today felt good and in my happiness I missed D. I just missed him, talking to him, touching him. I missed the way he makes my body feel. I give him a call. He acts pissy with me on the phone. I said "I was just missing you and was wondering if you could come down here this week". He spewed some bullshit about how I am still in love with JF and how I should call him to come fuck me. He took my good mood and crushed it. We ended up staying on the phone for about 40 minutes. He was not making any sense to me. He was mad at me for standing up for myself with JF more than I have and complains that I let him talk to me any way he wants and he takes advantage of me financially. He at one point said "this is why I don't want to let my feeling get involved"....wait, he has feelings? It is not like he ever tells me he loves me or even likes me for that matter. He only tells me how he regrets having feelings or emotions toward me when he get frustrated with me. I was walking down the side walk while I talked with him. I kept saying "I just don't understand why you are mad at me"? It is like this really weird thing he does that he wants me to advocate with myself with JF and instead of reaffirming me and boosting my confidence he acts like (or really is) mad at me for not doing what I am "supposed to do".  This conversation has ruined my night. I am dumfounded. I just came upstairs to clear my head for a few minutes and write it all out so I can try to resolve what it is I am feeling. It is like he takes it as a personal hit on my love for him that I am not more firm with JF. And then he said I am not "as open sexually as I used to be". I quickly rebutted "it has been 20 years, I am a whole different person and my fucking baseline is exhaustion". Is he stupid? What the fuck is wrong with this man? He just took a happy little check in call and fucking annihilated  it and turned it into an argument. Was he trying to saying he loves me and it frustrates him that JF treats me badly? Im going to need him to be more clear. I like clear. He is like one of those traditional men, the kind like my Dad. He would never apologize to my Mom, never. Instead he would do things for her, buy things for her, but he was incapable of saying he was sorry and that he was wrong. Not that I think he was sorry. I felt like crying as I stood out there and listened to this man tear me down for not standing up for myself. And he would relent and then ramp up again. It is all so confusing to me. I know that I am good at communicating in a relationship but I struggle to understand how someone can not be at least adequate or at least not make the situation worse with your poor communication. I think he is mad that I will not financially take care of him like I took care of JF, but I won't. I can't. I don't have that much money anymore and I don't have that kind of obligation to D. JF it is and was so much about my kids having access to their Dad but D, he is just a man. Good Lord, I think it will be a while before I call him again. 

Things with JF and I are moving in a good direction too. He has not been by to see the kids in the last 5 days and the kids are not asking for him so I let it be. He is off my phone plan and he will be taking a trip back to Africa in the next 6-8 weeks. I feel like it is a cleaner break then we have had. I don't feel like he is angry with me as he was before and I sometimes still miss him I am so happy where things have landed. It would be better if he could help take care of his kids, but sometimes it is just easier for me to take care of everything myself. 

My sexual interest is definitely on the up swing. I am feeling so comfortable with my single status and as I still check the dating website I find it is easier for me to sift through what it is I am looking for. If I am being real honest with myself Im still having some issue about body issues and my weight. I am still in the pre-contemplation phase of wanting to do something about it, but for the first time in 4 years, I let the nurse weigh me at the doctors. I thought it was time to acknowledge it. 

Today I was in Panera Bread and the line was long. This lady waits until she is next in line and calls someone on the phone and says "I am next in line, do you want something" and proceeds to hold up the line with her stupid phone call. We were standing there like 15 minutes, she could not have done this before? Then the dipshit orders breakfast at 12n and they tell her breakfast is over and she does not know what to do, so she excuses herself and steps aside while she thinks. I am next in line, she finds someone she knows in the back of the line and pulls him up to the front to order with her and turns to me and says "if you don't mind", I say " I do mind, I have been waiting in line for 15 minutes and we just can't let anyone jump to the front of the line".  If she did not want my answer she should not have asked me if I minded. She acted like an asshole in return and I immediately felt like I was not worthy enough to be mad about this because I was fat and prayed she did not start with name calling because my spirit just could not take it. That was so hard to share. It is hard to admit to myself that I feel that way sometimes, I feel like I do not deserve a voice because I don't look they I "should". Body image issues have not really impacted me too much but I see them creeping into my life. JF would always encourage me to loose weight, in a very loving health centered way, but it just always felt like I was just not good enough the way that I was. Somedays I feel strong in my body and I feel like I am worthy of life itself, but their are other times (usually after I see a picture of myself) that I can not shake the feelings of self-loathing.  

I noticed the other day with the neighbor, he wanted to look at porn again while we fucked. I don't mind really, I like to watch it too. Then when I see the porn he chooses, a thin black women and then a thin white women, I think to myself so does my body disgust him and he just wants something to fuck? And I just wanted something to fuck too. I know that him and I would not have chosen each other for partners but does he find me attractive at all? I find men attractive when they please me and how they treat me most of the time. I am not so attracted to body parts as I am to character and demeanor. I keep doubting myself and feeling like I am less then. This is kind of new territory for me, I am trying hard to keep it under control because I don't want this kind of shit to ruin my sex life. 

Monday, June 7, 2021

Conversations

 In all my sadness yesterday, I thought maybe I should be more intentional about my desire to have a man that checks most of my boxes and does something for me...other than fuck me. I still felt a little bit lonely today and I called D. I had not talked to him since he last spent the night and I missed him and it is unlike him to go so long with out checking in with me. As soon as it occurred to me how long it had been I got nervous that maybe something was wrong with him. He was fine. I briefly talked to him, he sounded busy, we just checked in and then we were off to do whatever we were doing. I don't know what I was hoping for but I was satisfied with that. Just a sense that I have a connection to someone, I think that was what I was looking for. Sometimes I just want a hug from an adult. And not my Mom or my friend like an adult man. 

I have my period but the local guy is open to period sex when I use the flex discs (just google it) because you can not even tell I am on my period, but I always give the warning because I am sure they are not fail proof. But it is nice to have an option when I have my period. It has been a while since I seen him last and I was not exhausted and open to heading over to his house. So I got a shower and headed over. He waits for me naked on his bed, dick mostly hard, and I get on his bed and suck it until it gets hard. In my head I am thinking how long do I have to do this before I can get the dick? When I don't have my period and he goes down on me I feel like I try to spend more time on him so he will spend more time on me, lol, but tonight I just wanted the dick in my pussy. I quickly take off my pants and bend over on his bed and he fucks me. He is struggling at this point to not cum. He is being mindful of it and he slaps my ass some and this just makes me want the dick more. I slide back on it and move my body around to get the dick, he resists. I think he has just decided to let it go because then he starts fucking me hard and fast and I am growling and moaning with satisfaction and just like that it was over. I feel him starting to cum and my heart sinks a little but I came just as he was pulling out. I do that all the time, cum after the sex, I am not sure why. I was glad I went, I needed to get back out of my comfort zone a little bit. I feel like if I am not careful I will just end up completely in my own world with no fun. 

I have been talking to JW a bit more than usual.  I know he reads my blog so I feel like I have to push myself to acknowledge my thoughts and allow myself to talk about him here. I like him. He is one of those nice people and I know I have found some amazing people over time. I like to keep good people around me. I like talking to him. I don't talk to many people on the phone. Sometimes the conversations with people are awkward and I feel like I am trying too hard, like with D on the phone today. It was just kind of dead but I like talking to JW. He makes me feel desired, he also makes me feel like I missed the boat with him and it is representative of what I will never have but the desired part is nice. I sometimes ask questions about his wife and I feel jealously then too. Why is everyone married? Sometimes I get off the phone with him and I say to myself "what are you doing"? I know that I am just teasing myself. I feel like I want a do-over in life and I want all that time I spent with JF back. Still a little jealous of my friend who remarried, again happy for her but will that happen for me? What is in the cards for me? 

I was thinking about my relationship with God or as I will sometimes call it the Universe. I don't know what the supreme being is but I believe that there is something more powerful and all knowing that guides us through life. I remember feeling so connected spiritually to JF in the beginning and connected to God. For the first and only time in my life I felt at peace with my relationship with God, with how I live my life in service for others, and how I show gratitude for my life. It all felt so holy. And I look at where we are at today and it could not be further from the that place. We have not gotten my youngest baptized and I am feeling so stressed about that, I feel like JF dropped the ball on that. Was his spirituality just something that he used to occupy his time and did he really believe in God the way he represented? There are more questions tonight than I would care for, but I am so confused on how we got to where we are. 

In my cleaning of my space I found this notebook that I would write in about these conversations I would have with JF. That sounds stupid, but he would always say he "did not remember every having " very important conversations about how I was feeling about our relationship. So I said ok I will keep minutes of sorts. I kept in my bedside table and as we would talk I would stop summarize and we would sign it as an acknowledgment of our plan for improving our relationship. I realize this sounds stupid but he was good for using the I can't remember or it did not happen excuse and I was tired of it. This book started in 2016 and I kept it for two years. I took the time to read it today and what I learned was the things I needed from him were very easy for another human being to do. I was not asking for a lot. I repeat in this journal how he "has no respect for the physical upkeep of the house" and he was destroying my house. He always said he would fix whatever he broke but he never did. My house just never mattered to him, he just pissed all over it in a sense. My house meant and means so much to me. It is my freedom, it is my safe space, it is my children's home, it is a reminder that everything will be okay. And to him it was nothing and he treated it as such. He always complained about me yelling...which I did because he never validated me. I always talked about how I felt disconnected to him and we would brainstorm on ways we could repair that. So as I reread these conversations I thought to myself I wish I did not wait so long to ask him to leave and I felt so validated that I made the right decision and I have no regrets about that. 

Sunday, June 6, 2021

Savior

 I don't see myself as a jealous person. For the most part I am comfortable with the things I have and don't have in life. I don't scroll through Facebook and feel pangs for the things I don't have most of the time because I know that everyone has their things. However today I felt some very deep jealousy for a girl I used to be close with a few years ago. She remarried yesterday. Her second marriage and now she has a blended family and she looked so happy. I looked at her wedding pictures and thought to myself "wow look how in love they look" and it was so affirming to the type of relationship I do want.  I want the deep love of knowing someone will take care of you no matter what. The love that extends itself to your spouses children and family and that lasts and lasts despite all of the bullshit in life. I want that kind of love. I want a man who I can love and take care of but I really also want him to take care of me in return. I am profoundly in need of a man that can take care of me. I do not mean financially. I mean take care of me as a person, as a partner, as a lover, and friend. Someone who can be in charge when I am too weary and also let me lead sometimes. I want a man that will be someone that will be good to my children and never feel slighted for me always putting them first. I have tears falling down my cheeks and I write this. I have been so afraid to claim what I want. It makes it real now, it is acknowledging that I have this desire for this type of relationship, but I know in order to have that I have to open myself up again. That part might be just too hard for now. 

I started my day on my way to my sisters to sit by the pool and listening to music really feeling like I am enjoying my life. I felt so happy and so at peace. At my sisters I felt lonely as I was the only single person there. Off to a religious graduation ceremony that took place indoors in a building with no air conditioning. It was as solid hour and 10 minutes or no air conditioning with the two other children. I felt alone there as well as most of the families there are married. And I could not even immerse myself in the experience that everyone else was having because my kids were squirming and on me and asking me if it was over. I decide, regrettably to take the kids out to dinner since we were all exhausted and miserable for the hour and 10 minutes in the undying heat.  I also felt like in this time of silent reflection all I could think about was D and sex. I literally could only think about the man who spoke next to me and how big his dick might be and wondering where in Africa he was from as I listened to his accent. I felt lonely at the restaurant too. Not only did I feel lonely but my son was acting like a complete asshole and I just get fucking tired of dealing with it. All I could think about is how much I hated my life and where it is at. I feel like I don't often talk about that but it is something I feel more then I would like too, My son has a lot to do with that. He has really taken all the joy out of parenting for me and has made it just about getting by with him. We have a new therapist who suspects he is on the spectrum and that maybe a new therapeutic approach might be beneficial after we getting him tested for Autism. This does not surprise me because I know there is something wrong, I just do not know what it is. But I am so alone and exhausted with this kid that there is so little left for the other two. And as I type that I realize that I should not be thinking about a relationship with a man because I have no energy for that. And any relationship started now in the midst of this chaos will surely be about them saving me and that is not what I want. But good Lord I do feel like I need a savior right about now. 

Am I not suppose to want anything for myself for all the years that this kid is dependent on me? I don't think I will survive. I am so depleted and so incapable of continuing like this. I am not sure where to turn next. What do I do next in my life? I don't want this relationship with JF to be the last real relationship in my life. I mean I am only 42, I still have a lot of living left to do. I would like someone to do it with. 

I will add the disclaimer that I have my period and this will always intensify feelings but I am starting to be a bit more real with myself about what it is I want. 

Wednesday, June 2, 2021

Self Care and Cleaning =Healing

 I know it has been a bit since I have been "active" because my people are reaching out to me. I like to hear from people but I had little to offer in the way of when I would see someone again. I have been in a weird place, not a bad place, just a place of sexual contentless and I have really enjoyed some of the self care that I have been participating in. I have been really ridding my house of all of JF. It feels good and  it feels like I am taking control of my life. I feel a deep sense of peace lately. There defiantly has been a shift in my thinking. I don't know what precipitated the shift but I am grateful for it. 

I also have been not been feeling well and I have been struggling with serious tennis elbow in both arms and sometimes the pain just wears me down a little bit. I wanted to go see the local guy the other night but my body felt defeated and I literally was like I am not climbing those 5 flights of stairs. This is a sad state of affairs and has defiantly contributed to my desire to self care and isolate just a little bit. 

The neighbor did reach out to me yesterday and inquired if I was busy because I missed one of his texts. We agreed he would come over. Truth be told I was not in the mood for sex, but I was not feeling opposed to it either. I thought that its been so long my body must need it even if my mind could not focus on it. I unlock the door and go back to my desk to work while I wait for him to come to my room. He comes in and we talk while he undresses. We talk as easily as I would chat with my neighbor if I ran into him on the street. He tells me he wants me to lick his ass "this way" as he gets on all fours on my bed. I think to myself "well this is a new event for me" and take a sip of water and get down to business. As I stroke his dick and tough his ass, running my tongue down to his dick and fully give his body intense pleasure as I hear him moaning in front of me. I do like that power I have in that moment. That power to please and take it away, the power to knock him off of his stability and bent over moaning in pleasure. Its a weird sensation. I imagine this is what men are feeling and I get why they like it. And not only do they have so much power while they are fucking you they physically have the upper hand as well. It must be such head trip for men. He did a lot of face grabbing light hair pulling and just good fucking. He came and I laid there in the bed while he cleaned up and got dressed. Feeling the cum drip out of my pussy I wait until he leaves to jump in the shower. Side note, I found these great little things called "Drip Sticks" which is essentially are a cum sponge for after sex clean up. Using this I did not need to spend the entire day feeling cum slide out of my body. I am defiantly a fan!

So while I was not completely into sex I was feeling sexually invigorated after this experience. Unfortunately I will have my period soon and then I will have this desire and very few outlets for it. 

Just to keep the news coming about JF. I asked him if he was taking the kids to baseball today, his response is "I don't feel well". Frustrating my first thought was his well being. I wanted to know what was wrong with him, my instinct was to take care of him. I did not act on that though. I stopped and let myself lean into my second thought was that when he does not feel well his kids do not exist, but when I do not feel well and I explicitly ask for help, he refuses to help me. That is some serious fucked up shit and that makes me feel like I in a loosing battle. I should not have to convince him that my well being effects the kids well being. Im going to pray on that and ask God or the universe to reveal this truth to him. 

Speaking to my sons therapist the other day about JF. She was talking about the cultural differences and some common belief around African men. I thought about how educated and worldly JF is but when he is pressed, when stress overwhelms him, when he is afraid he reverts right back to what the cultural norms that he grew up with. Even though he rejects these ideals he is so entrenched in them he can not even see his own cultural shaping. In that way he is so limited. Knowledge or acknowledgment is power and he has neither.