Part of me does not want to even blog about this because I don't want JW to have the satisfaction of getting a sense of what I am feeling. I want him to just wonder, but I am so upset that I feel like I have no other outlet then my blog. The reunion with JW did not happen. His plans were to get the oil changed on his bike and then come down to see me. He told me that there was something wrong with his bike and they were working on it. He sends me a pic of where he is at because he assumed I thought he was lying. I find the interesting looking back on it. Maybe he was lying and over killing the story with some old pics. Nonetheless, when he told me he might not be able to drive down here I said so am I just coming up there to meet you? He said "that's a possibility". I did not understand why it was only a possibility and not a plan given he had the day away as it is and if he could not ride his bike I would just come to him. Whats the problem there... like I always say "Im flexible". His last message was at 10:38 he said he was tired of sitting there in the sun and he was getting aggravated. This was the last text from him. So I had childcare lined up. I had the house to myself for hours and this son of a bitch just ghosted me. At like 12 I was pretty confident that was a wrap, and D happened to call just as I made that conclusion. It was like a reminder of D unfulfilling but steadiness in our "micro relationship". He is who he is and for the record he would never stand me up like that.
Part of me reserved anger because I was legitimately concerned for his well being. But in the mean time I tried to pull together some adult entertainment for myself on this quiet Saturday afternoon. No one was available. Some people did not even text me back (I will note that for future reference that I could not even get a text back). I ended up doing much of nothing with my alone time and ended it with some masturbation. At the very least I had a chance to do that.
JW has this history of this behavior. I think I so want him sometimes that I forget about his previous transgressions. And maybe something happened and maybe I will be sorry for my words but short of great personal injury there is no reason for him to have not called me or texted me or emailed me or visited me. I would NEVER treat someone so callously as to just ghost them and not touch base. I am a person with feelings. I tried not to be upset but I am really upset. I was yelling at my kids and I could feel the misplaced anger pumping in my veins. I am so angry. Why does he do things like this? And why have I tolerated it?
The same with JF, I tolerate so much bullshit and I have over the years. And as I just wrote that a light bulb went off and I am seeing what D sees and why he was so frustrated with me the other day. I have trouble "Writing people off". I hate to cut ties and bonds because I always see the person for all the good things they have done for me and with me and how good they make me feel. I usually toss the bad up into the nobody is perfect category and keep it moving. However, some people do not treat you like you treat them. Not everybody knows the golden rule in life to treat others how you would want to be treated. And why I do live my life that way and I always want to be forgiven when I fuck up so I forgive, this creates more situations like this one with JW. So a whole fucking day of my life was fucked up because this man did not think enough of me to call me. And for the record I have cheated on men my whole life. Even if you were with your wife you could have found a minute in the bathroom even to call me or text me. Shit run to the store for a second. I even texted his legitimate phone and restrained myself from calling him on that number.
Tonight I am feeling very emotionally exhausted. I am miserable and I am hurt and I am struggling to not let this bring me to tears. I don't understand it, I would never treat anyone like this, let alone someone that I like in someway.
I am going to hang out with my friend soon and I am going try to put this behind me. I hope I can shake this feeling of deep rejection that is just sitting in my chest.