I wrote this over a week ago. I wanted to add a better clip to it but time just got away from me. Every clip I try to use is too big. I don't know what to do about that. I feel like I am missing some piece of technological information that would help me but I don't know what it is and I feel like I may not have the patience to figure it out right now. None the less
I gave JW a second chance to come over. I did not believe or want to believe that he would have intentionally dismissed me. I wanted to see him and while the feminist part of me wants to tell him that he lost his one chance the submissive part of me wants to offer myself to him and allow him to use me.
When he text me he was in the car and on his way I laughed to myself thinking if he will really show up. He really did show up. I was waiting for him in the shower. This was his call, of course, all the nakedness would not have been my call. I was not sure what I was feeling when I saw him and he came into the shower in me. I liked being touched but I don't know what I was feeling it was a lot. I don't remember him completely but his voice was as I have always remembered.
I recorded the encounter.
There was not the heat that I was hoping for I felt awkward and a little bit like strangers. But worse then strangers because I can fuck a stranger with little coaxing. This was like he knows me and sees me and there was a lot of vulnerability for me. I just want to put his dick in my mouth. The fastest way to dick in my body was the route I wanted to take. I wanted the awkwardness to end and I wanted to feel this big black cock. I don't even feel like I sucked his dick well enough. I felt a little bit off my game and thrown by my own sense of myself and my nakedness and my fondness of him in general.
He asked for a condom. I was surprised he wanted to wear a condom but I understand the hesitation. We can not kid ourselves into thinking that STI never happen, and when you have a wife it makes the stakes that much higher. I get it. I have been there. I have experienced that fear many times over, but I was disappointed nonetheless. I was looking forward to feeling his dick raw and feeling him exploding in my cunt.
When he finally put the dick inside of my pussy I was immediately taken back by the size. Why did I not remember his dick being so big? My memories of him have always been the overall satisfaction and not the details. The dick was so perfect, big enough to hurt just a little bit. He was slapping my tits, while he was doing it I thought that it was intense and he slapped in a few times and I almost thought it was too much but then he would stop and I would revel in the stinging. However the aftermath of that is hard to look at, my bruised tit is a stark reminder that I might still be into pain. It has also marked me so I can not see D until that heals. And well Im not sure I want to explain that to anyone. It looks bad, but I don't think it hurt that much while it was happening.
Then he asked me to open my mouth and he spit into it. I do not like this. He raised his voice to me to get me to comply and swallow it but I did not want to, he spit in my face. This mad me mad. I think I would have pushed him off me if he had not ramped up the thrusting and made me feel used. The disgust did not last long, but as I think about it today I want to gag. I was in a zone with him that I let him get away with that.
He eventually came on my pussy and well it was okay, I really wanted it in me. It is not something I usually want but I had been thinking about it and preparing myself for it and wanting it.
We laid in bed and talked for awhile. He is always easy to talk to and I find myself talking about his wife more then I would want to. I think I do as a way to remind myself that he does not belong to me. It is easy to get caught up and forget about the day to day life and the commitments we have made. I also feel like I want to understand what other people are living like. I am 2 for 2 of men who do not want to have sex, with me or with other people and I am just not sure what living with a man that likes sex is like. I am jealous. Does she know what she has? All these women that complain about their husband wanting to have sex with them drive me insane. Do they realize how devastated they would be if he was poking them with his erection ever, I have been there, it hurts.
As he moved from on top of he me he said "same old [my name]" and I laughed but this phrase is haunting me. Was that a good thing? A bad thing? D always complains about how much I have changed and not in a good way, but am I the same as I have always been? Am I just as fun at 42 as I was at 32? I can not stop hearing this phrase in my head.
I started a half hearted search for a new job. I am thinking I want to move out of the scope of work I am in and try something new. I don't know what but I have given my entire working years to taking care of others and working with people in crisis or trauma and well, I am a little bit over it. The broken souls never stop coming and they never leave their pattern of trauma. There are so few ways to help and frankly who can find healing when you are just trying to survive. I have been thinking about going back to school for my Masters Degree but that just seems like a poor investment. As always I am going to ask the universe to start guiding my steps in this realm and try to remain open to new opportunities.
I am chronically tired, I don't know if I have shared that here, but it is a serious problem in my life. I sleep but I am exhausted. It does not seem to end. Sometimes I think I will not be able to make it through the day. D does not understand that there has got to be someone kind of legitimate medical issue why I do not have the energy like I used to. I am just so chronically exhausted I just want to sleep. I want the deep sleep like you get when they put you under for surgery. That is the kind of sleep I am dying for. The doctor talked to me about doing a sleep study, again. The last sleep study I had the neighbor guy was the person working there. This is all I can think of right now. I can clearly not do that now, I can not have him watching me sleep and all I would want him to do is fuck me. I think they record you while you sleep too. It would be hot but not practical for someone who wants to keep his job. Still the thought of it is hot. I have been chatting with him here and there. I think it is clear he misses visiting me and even inquired about when we might be able to meet again. This makes me happy, I so want to be wanted. I think about the experience we have, how can he not love it? I mean we do whatever he wants and I am zero drama and expectations, how can you go wrong?