Ridiculous

 The shit I do for D is ridiculous and I also think he has a listening device in my house or he has some kind of telepathic connection because he always knows when I am going to be with another man. I have made plan to see the new guy. He is actually coming over today and my kids are going with my ex-husband. I made this plan a week ago. D calls me yesterday and says he wants to come down. I tell him I can't, I make up reasons, I offer last night or Sunday but he wants to see me 3pm on Saturday. Him and I spent 2.5 hours on the phone and I just finally relented and said "Ok what time will you be here". He used every tactic to get me to prioritize him. He talked about how when he first met me I was a "tiger" and now I am an "pussy cat". He made me feel like he does not value you me for who I am, but I could not dismiss him. I could not say "No". It really bothered me that he was railroading my life like this as he talked about how we have not had sex in two months. Us not having sex is his fault. My door is open for him, whenever he wants to come see me and spend some time with me. I don't want to be his fuck partner when ever he is ready, I want a relationship. He does not want this. I am accepting of that, but for the same token I have to move on to find what I need, which is an open relationship. 

We talked at 9, he said he should leave his place by 11, I call and 11 and he ends up canceling because he is "waiting for this guy" and he does not know when he is going to be here. I throw my head back in jubilation and try to act disappointed as I feel excited for not having to play the game with him today. 

I still think he is my person, but if you person does not want what you want you have to change your direction a bit. I would love for D to love me as much as I love him and to be together but he is either not ready or not into it and I can not miss out on anymore positive relationships because of him. 

So I am just going to meet the new guy tonight, not meet for the first time, but hang out. I am somewhat nervous but really looking forward to the adult time. 

I have had a difficult week this week and I feel like I am really ready for some cuddle time with someone else. 

Trauma

 All at once yesterday it seems like things went from content bliss to intense sadness. JW did finally text me. I felt sufficiently self-empowered with my words to him, but his explanation was weak. I think he does not want to acknowledge his real feelings whatever they were, it just feels like some serious avoidance. I was so mad until he said "I guess you probably never want to see me again" and then I started to cry. I am mad at him but never seeing him again feels so overwhelming to me, I did not want that, but I also don't want the way he has been treating me. So I just cried about it, but the tears did not make me feel much better. We talked about my pregnancy back in 2011 and I was reminded of how traumatic that time in my life was and how I pretty sure I should get some therapy to help me through that because just talking about with JW brought me to a deeply sad place. And for you new readers, 2011 was when I was not even divorced yet, pregnant, and did not know who the father was. I was completely alone throughout the pregnancy. It was the darkest time of my life and I don't know how I ever survived it. Even the thoughts about it today are still haunting me. So I met JF right after that period of my life. Like I had by son in April, I confirmed his paternity in May and by June/July he was moving in with me. I get it why I felt so good to be enveloped in his love. It felt amazing after such a difficult time. (Even the word difficult does not seem to give the right feel for what this time was like for me - traumatic is more exact). JF came in with love, so much love, and kindness and a nurturing that I don't know if I have ever seen from a man. It was like everything that I wanted in a man. I remember him installing my ceiling fans for me. And I so vividly remember him up on this ladder, installing this fan, with all the confidence in the world and I was like look at this a man that can do things and is not afraid of work. His work ethic was enchanting to me, like a sweet seduction he took me with all the potential that he had and he solidified my devotion by showing me love like he did. So I understand why I was so easily swayed, there was nothing there not to like. He life story was amazing but I only saw his triumph over struggle, I did not see that at times the struggle was because of his own stupidity. 

So the conversation with JW was a hard one for me but to add insult to injury, JF called for the kids, I took a moment to ask him about where my money was, as he owes me quite a bit of money, and he laughs at me. There are other people in the room and I don't know if he was laughing at me to diffuse embarrassment that I caused him by talking about how he owes me money  in front of people or if he just was so disrespectful to me that he thinks that it is funny that he lies to me and steals from me. That really hurt. I did not cry while I was on the phone but my youngest saw my sadness in my eyes and came over to hug me. Its been a day later and I keep checking my WhatsApp for a message from him, thinking he will respond to my text scolding him about being a bad human being. Im so upset by this man, and as saw him on the camera with that stupid drunk look in his eyes I was so relieved that I made the choice to end our relationship but I was also still looking for that reassurance from him that I matter to him. It is a sick dynamic. 

I was also texting this new guy I saw the other day. I have my period and I wanted to know if he was into that. His answer was perfectly valid. He said only with his "personal woman". I understand and get what he meant but it felt like a little bit of a kick in the  chest. It was like a glaring reminder that I am not that person and not that he meant that but I am not that person for anyone and that made me sad. I am not totally sure why that sadness came about. So much of my life I feel really content where I am but there are these moments that I miss being someone's "woman" and that sense of partnership and desire that comes with it. Sometimes I tire of being the "other woman" and I just want the normal relationship. That was hard today. The image in my mind was that of Hester Pryne from the book "The Scarlett Letter", that letter A was the reminder that she was less than everyone else and that is what it felt like. 

Did I mention I had my period, I always get emotional when I have my period, so that with the difficult conversation with JF and JW I think just set me up for an emotional response. I think most days I really don't give a shit about things like that. Most days I can wear that letter A and not feel any shame with it, but not yesterday. Yesterday it broke me down. 

I think about this new guy I have been talking to, and I like him but I keep having this feeling that he is going to figure out who I am really and it will be over. Or he is just using me (for what I don't know), or he is just bored and looking for someone to kill time with. He is the first person that kind of gave me those butterfly type of feelings and I really enjoyed spending time with since I left JF. It has left me a little nervous of what that means. I thought I was ready for a new relationship, but I don't know if I am. 

As much as I hate to admit it I do not want to be single. I like my freedom a lot but there is a part of me that is getting louder and louder that wants a partner. Someone to hold at night and to love and to love me, but I still want to have sex with whom ever I want. The constant struggle of my life.  

I did connect with a new local man. I was actually going to meet him tomorrow. He had to cancel though, but he gave me like 12+ hours notice. Already he is doing better than some. 

I really am feeling stressed since the neighbor and I stopped hanging out. That was hands down the best situation I have ever had and the closest I have come to having sex when I need it. I am so sad about it. I saw him walking by the house today and I just watched him as he aggressively walks his dogs. I say to my friend I am sitting with "Look at him, he is miserable. He is trying to make it work with his wife and he looks that stressed out on a walk with his dogs. No one is happy with that arrangement". I know for sure I am not happy. I need to replace him badly. A once a week big thick dick, that is all I am asking for and I can supplement it from there. 

Plowed

 The other day I sat on my neighbors couch, talking shit, and generally wasting time, I told her that I needed dick and I might go to see the local guy. She encouraged me to go and I just kind of hesitated and I was like I just need something a little bit bigger. I love my experiences with the local guy but as my friend summarized for me "it okay you just need to get plowed" I laughed and said emphatically "YES" that was indeed exactly what I was looking for. This reminds me why sometimes there is a need for more than one person that fucks me, they each are so varied. Each giving me something I need. 

Some weirdness has occurred in my life in the last year or so surrounding meeting new people (and revisiting some old). Never in my life have some many people been so unreliable with me. I am not sure what the cause of this. I feel like naturally it must be me, I am less of a commodity then I once was and I am less willing to please then I once was so maybe people are just less enthusiastic about meeting me. I hope that this is not it but I feel like it is, it makes me feel sad. I usually say little to people about that because what's the point really, and I will just ignore them but save their number so I can remember the exact conversation we last had. I have also had people who I have not spoken to in months and months just come out of the woodwork. So they had so much fun that they did not call for months but today they have the time.... I don't think so. This one guy I saw in Jan, they I had to beg him to wear the condom and push him off me has resurfaced. This guy thinks Im stupid, right? How much fun can sex be if the whole time I got to babysit your dick to make sure you wear the fucking condom. I should have known better when he did not bring condoms to the party. That is going to be my hard limit I think, you show up without condoms, it is a wrap. Seriously who shows up without condoms to meet a fucking stranger? 

Now these negative experiences have been coupled with some great ones. I did have that amazing 7 months of the neighbor and the local guy and I was getting dick 2 or 3 times a week. But just a subtle observation that I am being treated differently then I have ever been before...maybe I can blame the pandemic. 

Tonight I decided to go out. I was feeling a bit like I was going to lose my mind because I know I am going to get my period in a day or two and I think I had sex 1x this whole month.  That has got to be a record of sorts for me. Any wonder I am feeling impatient. The kids would not sleep before I left so I knew they would be awake when I got home. I felt guilty for leaving them, I don't think they really cared but it was hard for me to walk out the door. I get so wrapped up into being everything that they need that it is easy to push aside my needs most of the time. However I walked out the door and headed to his house. I feel like I must have written about this guy before because I used to see him right before I met JF, I don't remember if I did or what I may have named him. One of my lonely nights I might have to look back in the archives and see what I wrote about him. 

I had to parallel park at his place, he recalled I was bad at this before when I saw him. It was oddly nice that he remembered that about me. As I walked into his house I am feeling rushed. I want to let him lead but I have to push things along because I told my daughter I would be home by 11 and I know she was tired and did not feel like watching the kids. I ask him where we are doing this, we walk upstairs. I don't like being out of my space, in a strange house. I am thinking about a lot of things in this walk up the stairs. Is there other people in this house? Does someone else live here? Is this the man I remember? He leads me to a closed door, I don't want to open the door. All the fears of being a women going over to a mans house, even though for sex, is worrisome sometimes. I make him open the door...to his bedroom... and I instantly relax when his dick makes it appearance. 

As soon I touch this dick I am reminded of it. It is all so familiar to me again. The way it feels in my mouth is so vividly similar to before and it was so good to be transported to that time when sex was easier to get and such a drug of choice for me.  I feel so awkward sucking his dick. I don't know what he likes and it is not easy for me to read him to know what he wants. His dick is big and I get lost in my own anticipation of him penetrating me. He talks but I am not really listening to him and he has that amazing accent so if I am not paying attention I don't know what he is saying. It is like it is just me and this dick. I think I beg for it, I think that is what prompted us to switch gears. I felt like I was a fucking virgin. I recall the screams of utter elation and him telling me to shut up and me just trying to hold it together and not get the cops called on us because I was screaming too loud. We go back and forth from fucking and sucking. I really felt self-conscience about what he was experiencing, would he tell me I was "different" then I was before, would he secretly think that I had lost my magic. My mouth was so dry I had to ask for water and the condoms make my pussy dry too. I do hate that about condoms. I really wanted him to fuck me raw. This is not a usual thought process for me, I rarely think that when I am fucking someone, but I really wanted to rip the condom off. Maybe it was the familiarity of him, or the friction of the condom or the dirtiness of being fucked raw by this man. There was a lot of stretching happening from his dick and some friction from the condom. He used his hands to "open the pussy up" and my god! I could feel his hard bare dick on my ass and his fingers in my pussy and he moves his dick to rub it on my pussy and well class we all know what happens when they just rub it on the pussy, but this time I felt like I was the instigator. I needed that big black dick raw in my pussy and as he slide it in I instantly felt my pussy becoming so wet and inviting. I can hear myself saying "come in me, please just come in me". Who was this woman who was begging a man for his cum? I never want the cum but I just needed it tonight. I feel his body tensing up as he begins to cum inside of me and it was amazing. He got up to use the bathroom and I got up and waited a minute for him come out of the bathroom, as his cum dripped down my thighs. 

He walks me out, his neighbor is own her porch and all I can think is that she heard me screaming. I get myself together and I get my GPS on and as I start to drive the tears come. I feel my eyes filling up and this feeling to orgasmic pleasure surges through my body and I get the amazing sex after effect of tears as my body processes what just happened to it. It felt amazing. I needed that stress relief more than I realized. 

At one point during the evening, I thought to myself "what magic did JF do to me to make me give up such good dick". I say that half joking and half believing that there is a spiritual element to it. I did not just willing get up and walk away from all the good dick I used to have. What did this man do to me for me to be so struck with him. Thats a conversation for another time maybe. 

Of course I came home to children anxiously awaiting my arrival. Thank god I have trained them not to ask me where I have been or where I am going. I did feel guilty for leaving but there was a moment I was bent over on his bed, sweat dripping down my face, hair messed up, staring at his dick that had just been inside of me that I could not have even told someone my name and my struggles at home were far away in my mind. And now that I have sufficiently dumped all my musings about the night here, I can go to sleep. 

Tensions Rising

 D called me today and I really appreciated it. He was calling me to try to squeeze in some fucking while he was coming closer to where I live for work. Ultimately we were not able to make it work but I love that he thought of me and he is at least trying still. It has been hard to see him recently, this was a nice reminder that I still cross his mind. Although not for nothing a better realization of him wanting to me would be if he could get his shit together and come spend some time with me. 

The African guy I met the other day.... he made me feel some excitement for the thought of meeting someone and actually liking him, but where do you go from there? I think I mention he is very fresh off the boat and that is really a turn off to me. I am not looking to teach anyone anything, seriously. I don't want a project. I am sure he is very capable but there is a learning curve when coming to a new country. So I have been talking to him every day, but something is not sitting well with me. I feel like why does he like me? And I am on the fence if it is my own poor self-esteem or if it my own warning system to remind me to be wary of this man. Sure I am a great person and I have some merits but why does he like me so easily? And he just got here, why is he looking for a relationship when he has so many other things to focus on? I feel confused by that. And my instincts are kinda telling me to move away from that situation. I think I need to pump the breaks a little bit. I have so little free time I am not really wanting to spend all my free time in idle chit chat. He is bored, he needs more things to do than focus on me. 

I was thinking about JW today, as I was looking at our video. I think about him reading the words I write about him and choosing to not call me to even apologize. I am still aggravated by his actions. I kind of want him to say something to me because I want to have the conversation where I call him a coward and I tell him how disappointed I am in him as a human being. We're talking basic human decency shit here not deep relationship level shit. SMFH. 

I am really missing regular sex. I was going to try to see the local guy before he leaves town again tomorrow but our schedules have not meshed. I am starting to feel desperate. It has been a long time since I have felt this unsatisfied. My body is craving dick so bad. I am ready to be bent over in the parking lot of the Shoprite. Shit is getting serious over here. Masturbation has not even been a possibility really, there are kids here all the time and I am always working and or taking care of them. But in truth I just really want the dick, I am not even looking for the orgasm as much as I am looking for the physical feeling of being filled up. 

There is a new possibility but that is too early to tell if that will go anywhere. My schedule is just so difficult in the summer. I am not looking forward to the next 6 weeks. I am going to have to fuck a lot this Fall just to make up for all this down time. 

Repeat Mode

Sometimes I will put a song repeat and just listen to it over and over again. I don't tire of it. Every time it starts it feels just as wonderful as the first time I heard it and I happily sing alone with joy. I will played 8x, 10x over and over again. The sameness brings me peace, knowing what to expect and when to expect it calms me. Even though I know it will end the joy it brings me is not lessened.  

Despite the mom guilt I decided to go out today to meet someone new, not fuck, but meet. I have been talking to him for a couple weeks and it was time that I made an effort to see him and see what the chemistry was like. We met at a park. This is about my speed. I hate to meet for "coffee" or ice cream or some other nonsense. I don't want an audience when meeting someone new I just want to get to know them. I can't not even believe this as I type it because I hear the sounds of disapproval my readers might be making as they read this and I feel their sentiment of have I not learned my lesson yet, but he is African. I literally just put my head down and shook it. Ugh.  Men from other country just come to me. Its my energy I put out. The universe knows I like it and I attract it. He is not from the same country as my ex but he does not share my culture nonetheless. What perhaps is more concerning to me is that he is brand new, like fresh off the boat, 5 months in this country. He has his papers secure he is not looking for a wife. He has a place to live, he is not looking for that either. We just have been talking, but I did like him when we met. It was the first time since JF that I felt that I was liking someone on a human level and not the way I like men who I want to fuck. Readers know that men I want to fuck are just viewed in terms of what they can do for me and how polite they treat me, but I rarely get into the feelings of who they really are and what to do they want in life.  We did not even kiss during this meeting, this is not about fucking, although he later said he wanted to kiss me but he was unsure. I was unsure too. Nervousness is real when you actually like someone but in true form the encounter evoked such a deep fear in me that it was hard not to cry in the car on the way home. For the first time I felt this real desire to want to have a relationship with a man and I thought he will of course find his independence in this country and will not want to me tied down to a single mother to 3. I have ended it in my mind before it has even started. And do I have it in me to date another African man? I try not to compare the two in my head but it can not be helped. There are similarities. There are real concerns for me in continuing a relationship like this but I want a real relationship and this is the first time I have felt the feeling I am looking for, so in case you were wondering I am going to continue with this one and see where it goes. 

The upside is I have been very honest about who I am my sexual desires and desire for non-monogamy and he was not deterred. And I won't have to lie. He was curious but he was not like it was a deal breaker. That is all I can do is be honest. In reality I know in his African culture he will likely have deep rooted beliefs about it that he may not even be willing to acknowledge right now. In my experience African men seem to have a different sense about picking partners for relationships. I am always looking for the chemistry, the sweep you off your feet lust and infatuation. I like the intensity of knowing someone so much and loving them deeply and completely. However, the African men I have known (3 so far) seem to be more about a partner checking off all the things that they want and making a choice to love that person. It is a different concept and I don't think I am articulating it exactly correctly but that is the gist of it (or how I see it anyway). This bothers me and makes me feel like things are less real at times. I know with JF this would often creep into my head where I would think that he never really loved me he just made a choice to be with me. Im not sure if I am making the difference clear but there really is one. 

JF called the kids today. He was sitting at a table outside somewhere drinking with his friends. As he showed the kids his friends on FaceTime all the anger I used to have when he would go to Africa and leave me here and live like a bachelor there. I did not feel the anger this time but it did make me shake my head in disgust. The kids have been asking for him here and there but the little one is not crying every night like she usually does when he is away. In that way it has been good for him to be a little less present so they don't feel the loss as intensely when he is gone. 

Partners

 JF flew to Africa today. I had the familiar sense of dread I always have when he flies. Even know he is not  living with me, my home felt emptier, my world felt a little more alone. I miss him so much, not really recent JF, but JF I fell in love with, the man I chose to have a family with. I miss him and I really do still love him. I don't know when that goes away or if it does. It is hard to balance this deep love I have for him but the reality when he is close to me the anger that I feel towards him. The anger is because he stopped loving me, or showing me he loved me. To look at him I just want to shake him and say "don't you see what you are doing...you destroyed our family". Sometimes he is so callous and cold, or at least that is how he got in the last couple years I wonder if the man I knew ever really was there, but christ I miss him. It was a little bit of a hard day for me. He comes to see the kids quickly before he left today, they give hugs, I really wanted one. They FaceTime, I want to tell him to be careful and that I love him, but I say nothing. JF crossed the line when he called me "trash" in response to the blog and videos, Im not sure if forgiveness for that comes without him asking for it. I assume these are normal feelings, I mean we were together for a long time, I can't just turn off the feelings.

The neighbor and I chatted a few minutes today. He was deleting snap chat and letting me know. I felt a little bad for him because I feel his struggle. Like me, he loves sex and that is not working out in his marriage. It is stressful and then there is the kids. It is like once you "partner" with someone in such a deep way as marriage it is hard to separate from it. It is harder than I anticipated, each time. 

Sex is really a goal and I am looking forward to achieving soon. My local guy is out of town and well nothing else seems to be happening. This the place I try to avoid at all costs. The place of needing sex and not having any where to go to get it. This is when generally feel like a drug addict. There are options, but they all come with a con. I could go see D but that is like a 2 hours one way and I don't have time for it frankly.  I could probably make plans with someone, but I don't really want to see someone new, so I am not putting a whole lot of effort into it. In the moment I feel an urge of wanting dick I will probably respond to someone but in general I don't have a lot of time for it.  This is where the benefit of a partnership is nice. 

I think about relationships a lot. I am desperately trying to figure out what it is I need and want. I just want to play with it a little bit, I want to see how it feels to be in a relationship again. 

My ex, my first ex husband (the white guy) is talking about buying a house with his girlfriend, who I like and she is very nice. I just can't help but feel jealous when he talks about it, and he talks about it a lot. He talks a lot in general and generally lacks the ability to read the room and pick up my social cues that I am not really into the conversation. I don't want him, it is nothing like that, but I want that sharing your life part. It gets me feeling really frustrated. I mean it has been 10 years since we split up, I am glad he found someone. Please lord, let it not take me 10 years to find a man I love. 

The Updates

I have been tip toeing toward feeling the like a bad bitch again. I feel the hormones surging. 

I have not been having any where near enough sex. With the neighbor guy out of the picture I have this gaping hole (no pun intended) in my sex life that leaves me feeling somewhat tense all the time. For the last 7 months, the neighbor guy provided me with very good weekly dick and no drama. So I miss that a lot, physically the void left is hard to mitigate. I have chatted with him a few times. I can not say enough how nice it is for someone to behave like a decent human being and just be friendly and kind, like he is. Nice guys most defiantly should not finish last! I know as a real grown up that I am now, I appreciate men who are decent human beings more than ever. 

JW stood me up a second time. Now I hear the sounds of everyone disapproving as I type this. I do not know why I have not learned my lesson with him. I can only compare him to eating at McDonald's, the idea of it is fantastic and brings all the feels, and it feels amazing going in but you quickly regret your decision. He is a coward. As much as I like him I think he is too toxic for me. Being stood up brings up some insane issue of rejection and worth for me and in my mind is equal to being ignored, which I find so demeaning and cruel. 

I did see the local guy. I was all in my head about getting away from the kids and I just wanted it to be fast. I hesitated but I told him exactly what I wanted. " I want to suck your dick just as long as I need to and then I want to bend over your bed and get fucked from behind". I do love summer because it can just wear a summer dress with no panties or bra and head over there and bend over on his bed. I have been thinking about him more lately. I am not sure why. He also is just kind and nice and easy to talk to. I talked to him about trying more things and maybe kissing and naked time. I was proud of myself for advocating for what I wanted. I think he is a pleaser too, so if I don't tell him the things I want I am not sure he is going to go for it. Its such a new place for me to articulate what I want, it went well though, he was very receptive. 

In a knee jerk reaction I start calling D, because all I know is I need dick, long black dick and I know he will deliver. Our calls have been less than amazing. I was taunting him again with asking him what he wants and if we are going to do something since for the first time in 18 years we are both single. He says "he does want to and he does not want to" and they alluded to me cheating on him. <<<crickets>>>. I did not say much back to that. I was a little bit over him the last few phone calls. His life seems so miserable. I think to myself I just need to let it go and move on and have a real relationship. D always seems to hold me back in that regard. I am getting closer to that reality. 

I have been thinking hard about wanting a partner in my life. I just want someone to share my life with, most of the time. In a perfect world a man with his own place that wants to hang out like 1x a week and fuck like 2x a week I would be set. What dating site do I visit to get that kind of part time relationship? Still I want a deeper connection, but I also know this feeling that I am looking for just happens, it is not planned. I can't say that I want to love someone and make it happen you just have to feel it. I remember the first night I met JF, I felt it, and when I met D, I felt it, and when I met my first husband I felt it. It is the chemistry, the combination of mental, physical and spiritual coming together to create a super natural bond. I want that again!

So I started to look on the dating site again. Now that my team is dwindling. There is this one guy that I have looked and looked at his pictures because it felt so familiar to me. Then he reached out to me and turns out we used to see each other before JF. I most vividly remember his dick and they way my body felt while he was fucking me. I have some visual memories of the places we fucked and in true fashion he is an island man. We were chatting and I hope to see him tomorrow, if my life goes as planned. He said the best thing ever to me. He said " I remember you were a freak and nice and submissive". AHHH I was like yes you get me. There are things I want people to remember about me and one of those thing is he nice part. I want people to think about me and think about how I was always kind and polite. Sex and values don't always go together in peoples minds. I am excited to reconnect. Bonus - he does not live too far and he lives alone! Maybe a new member of the team. 

It has been really difficult to find the mental bandwidth to blog. Summer in my house is busy and I have had a lot of emotions to work with lately. I am feeling pretty good though this last few days, I feel like I am coming away from the sadness I was in and looking forward to more playtime. 

Independence Day

Two posts in one day... time has been running for me. 

 The neighbor really frustrated me the other day. The last couple weeks he has been sending me dick pics and asking me when I would have some alone time. So the other day I had some alone time and I told him. To which he responded with a pic of him at work, but about 15 minutes later he told me he was trying to do the right thing with his family and stay on the right path. He even sited he wipes declining mental health as a reason he can not see me. I immediately feel like I have over stepped my role and like I was being broken up with all over again. What was I suppose to think? Just last week he asked me when I was going to have some alone time so I told him and we have to have the he is not cheating anymore conversation. This is why I have so little tolerance for men who are married or cheating. I don't have the energy to dick around (no pun intended) the guilt and feelings of uncertainty they have with their relationship. It is fucking exhausting. Your either in or you are out but this halfway shit does not work for me. I hope he keeps his intentions of just fucking his wife because I can not be his conscience. I am just looking for dick from him. The overall interaction just made me feel bad. I would never had messaged him if he did not message me the week before. It made me feel like I was begging him. His dick is good but by no means do I need to beg a man for dick. Dick is everywhere. 

I have been in a mood this last week or so. Kids being home for the summer is a little bit intense. It is all kids all the time and trying to work and entertain them is hard. And I feel guilty that they are not more active and guilty I don't have them in camp. ( For the parents out there... I already pay for private school I literally can not afford camp for $300.00 a week per kid, everyone acts like camp is a normal thing. It is expensive and camps fill up around here quick). I have asked their Dad, (JF) to take them more but he really does little to nothing to help. 

Today I went to a family 4th of July party. I was ok at first, but hour in I was struggle not to burst into tears. I was sitting a little bit off to the side, with my big sunglasses on, with my phone to entertain me, but I could not keep my composure. It was all the families and Dads with their kids there. The Dads taking care of their children and playing with them and all I could think about is my babies and how they just are not going to have that. It is such a visceral and deep pain that even in this socially inappropriate place I could not keep the tears from rolling down my face. I asked my mom if she would take care of my kids and I dipped out. I don't think I was even out of the drive way before the uncontrollable sadness overtook me and I was all out sobbing. I cried the entire way home and then I went to my bed and laid there and cried some more. When I was done crying I got a shower and tried to refresh myself but I was still struggling. I went to my friends house to talk shit and I cried there and I have cried off an on all night here.  A couple things stand out to me. 

1. I am alone. So utterly alone. I desperately wanted a life long partner but I did not get that. I miss that part of relationships, that feeling of having someone in your life that is your partner. I know I like to fuck different people but I also want the lifelong commitment. It feels impossible. It has been the issue that has plagued me my entire adult life. How do I have the committed relationships I want and still get to have sex with other people from time to time? 

2. I am still sad about JF. I miss him, when I see him I still get butterflies in my stomach and I feel like I just want to take care of him. This taking care of him part was a big problem in our relationship, but I love him and I just want to make his life easier. I watch him working, he works so hard. I could never say that he is not a hard working man. I have never met a man, other then my Dad, that work as hard as he does. He gets no where for it, but christ he gives is a 110%. I don't know how long it will take before I stop missing him. It is not like I ever stopped loving him. I still love him but it is clear I needed to move on. I wish he would talk to me. I don't need to be in a relationship with him but damm he can't even be my friend? He is going to Africa again soon. I worry that he will not come back, he says he is, but I never know. I feel like I am living in this perpetual state of uncertainty with him. I would be ok if I never saw him again. I would miss him but I would be okay. My babies will not be ok and this fear of their pain is causing this everlasting dysphoria for me. I can not even begin to accept that they will not have the relationship with their father that I envisioned them having. It is truly heartbreaking for me and I am not sure how I resolve those feelings. I have no control in that situation. 

3. Lastly I have to find a relationship that is fulfilling to me. In a few short years these kids will have their own life and I will be so lost I will not know what to do with all my free time. 

After my day of sadness I am trying to figure out if this is normal sadness or a bit more of a mental health concern. I can never tell.  I don't know if I am having normal emotions or not. It is very unlikely to be so emotional in public, not that anyone knew I was crying. But the fact that I could not stop the tears was upsetting to me. What do I need to do to make sure that does not happen again?

2nd Chances

I wrote this over a week ago. I wanted to add a better clip to it but time just got away from me. Every clip I try to use is too big. I don't know what to do about that. I feel like I am missing some piece of technological information that would help me but I don't know what it is and I feel like I may not have the patience to figure it out right now. None the less

 I gave JW a second chance to come over. I did not believe or want to believe that he would have intentionally dismissed me. I wanted to see him and while the feminist part of me wants to tell him that he lost his one chance the submissive part of me wants to offer myself to him and allow him to use me. 

When he text me he was in the car and on his way I laughed to myself thinking if he will really show up. He really did show up. I was waiting for him in the shower. This was his call, of course, all the nakedness would not have been my call. I was not sure what I was feeling when I saw him and he came into the shower in me. I liked being touched but I don't know what I was feeling it was a lot. I don't remember him completely but his voice was as I have always remembered. 

I recorded the encounter. 

There was not the heat that I was hoping for I felt awkward and a little  bit like strangers. But worse then strangers because I can fuck a stranger with little coaxing. This was like he knows me and sees me and there was a lot of vulnerability for me. I just want to put his dick in my mouth. The fastest way to dick in my body was the route I wanted to take. I wanted the awkwardness to end and I wanted to feel this big black cock. I don't even feel like I sucked his dick well enough. I felt a little bit off my game and thrown by my own sense of myself and my nakedness and my fondness of him in general.

He asked for a condom. I was surprised he wanted to wear a condom but I understand the hesitation. We can not kid ourselves into thinking that STI never happen, and when you have a wife it makes the stakes that much higher. I get it. I have been there. I have experienced that fear many times over, but I was disappointed nonetheless. I was looking forward to feeling his dick raw and feeling him exploding in my cunt. 

 When he finally put the dick inside of my pussy I was immediately taken back by the size. Why did I not remember his dick being so big? My memories of him have always been the overall satisfaction and not the details. The dick was so perfect, big enough to hurt just a little bit. He was slapping my tits, while he was doing it I thought that it was intense and he slapped in a few times and I almost thought it was too much but then he would stop and I would revel in the stinging. However the aftermath of that is hard to look at, my bruised tit is a stark reminder that I might still be into pain. It has also marked me so I can not see D until that heals. And well Im not sure I want to explain that to anyone. It looks bad, but I don't think it hurt that much while it was happening. 

Then he asked me to open my mouth and he spit into it. I do not like this. He raised his voice to me to get me to comply and swallow it but I did not want to, he spit in my face. This mad me mad. I think I would have pushed him off me if he had not ramped up the thrusting and made me feel used. The disgust did not last long, but as I think about it today I want to gag. I was in a zone with him that I let him get away with that. 

He eventually came on my pussy and well it was okay, I really wanted it in me. It is not something I usually want but I had been thinking about it and preparing myself for it and wanting it. 

We laid in bed and talked for awhile. He is always easy to talk to and I find myself talking about his wife more then I would want to. I think I do as a way to remind myself that he does not belong to me. It is easy to get caught up and forget about the day to day life and the commitments we have made. I also feel like I want to understand what other people are living like. I am 2 for 2 of men who do not want to have sex, with me or with other people and I am just not sure what living with a man that likes sex is like. I am jealous. Does she know what she has? All these women that complain about their husband wanting to have sex with them drive me insane. Do they realize how devastated they would be if he was poking them with his erection ever, I have been there, it hurts. 

As he moved from on top of he me he said "same old [my name]" and I laughed but this phrase is haunting me. Was that a good thing? A bad thing? D always complains about how much I have changed and not in a good way, but am I the same as I have always been? Am I just as fun at 42 as I was at 32? I can not stop hearing this phrase in my head. 

I started a half hearted search for a new job. I am thinking I want to move out of the scope of work I am in and try something new. I don't know what but I have given my entire working years to taking care of others and working with people in crisis or trauma and well, I am a little bit over it. The broken souls never stop coming and they never leave their pattern of trauma. There are so few ways to help and frankly who can find healing when you are just trying to survive. I have been thinking about going back to school for my Masters Degree but that just seems like a poor investment. As always I am going to ask the universe to start guiding my steps in this realm and try to remain open to new opportunities. 

I am chronically tired, I don't know if I have shared that here, but it is a serious problem in my life. I sleep but I am exhausted. It does not seem to end. Sometimes I think I will not be able to make it through the day. D does not understand that there has got to be someone kind of legitimate medical issue why I do not have the energy like I used to. I am just so chronically exhausted I just want to sleep. I want the deep sleep like you get when they put you under for surgery. That is the kind of sleep I am dying for. The doctor talked to me about doing a sleep study, again. The last sleep study I had the neighbor guy was the person working there. This is all I can think of right now. I can clearly not do that now, I can not have him watching me sleep and all I would want him to do is fuck me. I think they record you while you sleep too. It would be hot but not practical for someone who wants to keep his job. Still the thought of it is hot. I have been chatting with him here and there. I think it is clear he misses visiting me and even inquired about when we might be able to meet again. This makes me happy, I so want to be wanted. I think about the experience we have, how can he not love it? I mean we do whatever he wants and I am zero drama and expectations, how can you go wrong?