So what a lovely vanilla weekend I spent with FOB this weekend. He came over last night and stayed all day with me today. It was nice. You know I picked him up and we came back to my house, where there were no kids and he aggressive pulled my panties down and bend me over the edge of the couch and fucked me, just to get things started. I feel him cum in me again so intently. He makes food while I watch him and smile to myself as I watch this African man in my house. I am vividly reminded of the first time JF cooked in my house and how I watched him cook and how I just fell in love with him. It brought me back to that time years ago. I watched as this new man trying to ease his way into my life and I simultaneously push him away and pull him closer. His cooking makes me recall feelings of those days that JF would make food that I like and he would make me feel loved. This man makes me feel loved. I dont want to compare him to JF but the mirror is that I must look. He is loving and kind like JF was in the beginning. He attends to me and is honest with me. We end up in the bedroom after awhile and he fucks me so fucking amazing, in the exact way I have been craving. Hard and fast and with the vigor of a young man (even though he is not too much younger than me), but it was exactly what I needed. He wants to fuck my ass and I am ok with it, he makes me comfortable and I dont hate it. It was his first time to do this. This surprised me, he was good at it for his first try. He said he did not love it and frankly I am ok if we never do that again, but at least he did not hurt me like some others have.
We sleep, I am awaken to him moving my body to take his dick. This is amazing. This is what I always want, to be asleep and have my body taken for his pleasure and woken up to dick. We wake up we fuck, we lay in bed some more. I get on top. Now this is not my favorite activity at all. I reluctantly get up there and guide his dick into my body. I really can't get my groove for a few mintutes. I resisted the urge I had to immediately get off of him. I settled in on the dick and started to find my way. He was super helpful and I did stay there for probably five minutes, which is a fucking record for me. I did find some rythm and made some progress. Of course he says we are going to have to practice that more so I can become more comfortable.
I was laying on the couch while he was eating and I ask him to come lay with me as I spread my legs and invite him to lay between them. It is not long before he is pulling my pants down...I dont even know why I put pants on. He wants me to look at him while he fucks me and cums in me. That shit is hot. I really like all this cumming in me, with him. I still think most peoples cum repulses me but I am enamored with him.
We talk a lot about this open relationship. I would not say he is in love with the idea but he is "open" to it. When he was fucking me, I was thinking "I dont ever need another man" he is amazing. And it is not that I just want new dick. I dont know what it is. It is the compulsion. It the fear of giving up the dick I have acquired (because it did not come easy), it the fear of needing it and not being able to find it, it is not having an outlet where I can be just a slut and treated as such and step outside of my very vanilla life. I am unable to accept a reality where my life preserver is taken from me.
I think about sharing him with another woman. I immediately think that it is not for me. I dont want him putting his mouth on another women's pussy. I dont want him to enjoy another women. But when we talk about that I put my mouth on other men I immediately feel like "its different". I dont suck the dick because I enjoy it even though sometimes I do. I suck dick to get to the hard dick part so I can get fucked. Thats it. Him going down on a women is just about giving her pleasure and I dont want that. There are a lot of feelings to sort out here. I think I should have been more clear. I just want a man who is ok with a being a cuckhold. I hate that word, but that is what I want. Its different for me because I dont want the man, I just want the dick and if there was a dildo that felt like a good real dick I would defiantly take care of myself most of the time.
I am not sure what is going to happen with FOB, I feel like I wait daily for the other shoe to drop and him to become unenthusiastic about my freedom and or worse just step out altogether. He is very loving and reassuring and I can see him being a part of my life in a real way, but my god do I feel broken and unsure about moving forward while I am feeling so broken. But for real for real, aren't we all a little broken at least? It can't be just me.