Sunday, August 29, 2021

Vanilla

 So what a lovely vanilla weekend I spent with FOB this weekend. He came over last night and stayed all day with me today. It was nice. You know I picked him up and we came back to my house, where there were no kids and he aggressive pulled my panties down and bend me over the edge of the couch and fucked me, just to get things started. I feel him cum in me again so intently. He makes food while I watch him and smile to myself as I watch this African man in my house. I am vividly reminded of the first time JF cooked in my house and how I watched him cook and how I just fell in love with him. It brought me back to that time years ago.  I watched as this new man trying to ease his way into my life and I simultaneously push him away and pull him closer. His cooking makes me recall feelings of those days that JF would make food that I like and he would make me feel loved. This man makes me feel loved. I dont want to compare him to JF but the mirror is that I must look. He is loving and kind like JF was in the beginning. He attends to me and is honest with me. We end up in the bedroom after awhile and he fucks me so fucking amazing, in the exact way I have been craving. Hard and fast and with the vigor of a young man (even though he is not too much younger than me), but it was exactly what I needed. He wants to fuck my ass and I am ok with it, he makes me comfortable and I dont hate it. It was his first time to do this. This surprised me, he was good at it for his first try. He said he did not love it and frankly I am ok if we never do that again, but at least he did not hurt me like some others have. 

We sleep, I am awaken to him moving my body to take his dick. This is amazing. This is what I always want, to be asleep and have my body taken for his pleasure and woken up to dick. We wake up we fuck, we lay in bed some more. I get on top. Now this is not my favorite activity at all. I reluctantly get up there and guide his dick into my body. I really can't get my groove for a few mintutes. I resisted the urge I had to immediately get off of him. I settled in on the dick and started to find my way. He was super helpful and I did stay there for probably five minutes, which is a fucking record for me. I did find some rythm and made some progress. Of course he says we are going to have to practice that more so I can become more comfortable. 

I was laying on the couch while he was eating and I ask him to come lay with me as I spread my legs and invite him to lay between them. It is not long before he is pulling my pants down...I dont even know why I put pants on. He wants me to look at him while he fucks me and cums in me. That shit is hot. I really like all this cumming in me, with him. I still think most peoples cum repulses me but I am enamored with him. 

We talk a lot about this open relationship. I would not say he is in love with the idea but he is "open" to it. When he was fucking me, I was thinking "I dont ever need another man" he is amazing. And it is not that I just want new dick. I dont know what it is. It is the compulsion. It the fear of giving up the dick I have acquired (because it did not come easy), it the fear of needing it and not being able to find it, it is not having an outlet where I can be just a slut and treated as such and step outside of my very vanilla life. I am unable to accept a reality where my life preserver is taken from me. 

I think about sharing him with another woman. I immediately think that it is not for me. I dont want him putting his mouth on another women's pussy. I dont want him to enjoy another women. But when we talk about that I put my mouth on other men I immediately feel like "its different". I dont suck the dick because I enjoy it even though sometimes I do. I suck dick to get to the hard dick part so I can get fucked. Thats it. Him going down on a women is just about giving her pleasure and I dont want that. There are a lot of feelings to sort out here. I think I should have been more clear. I just want a man who is ok with a being a cuckhold. I hate that word, but that is what I want. Its different for me because I dont want the man, I just want the dick and if there was a dildo that felt like a good real dick I would defiantly take care of myself most of the time. 

I am not sure what is going to happen with FOB, I feel like I wait daily for the other shoe to drop and him to become unenthusiastic about my freedom and or worse just step out altogether. He is very loving and reassuring and I can see him being a part of my life in a real way, but my god do I feel broken and unsure about moving forward while I am feeling so broken.  But for real for real, aren't we all a little broken at least? It can't be just me.

Wednesday, August 25, 2021

Addiction

 Late night the other night, I let dick B come over to finally fuck me, since he did not have condoms the other night. I did not really want company but it was like this urge my body has that I felt compelled to listen to. I did not want to but I HAD to do it. I worked with adults with mental illness for a long time and some of them had this side effect to their meds that would cause them to pace. They would say "I dont know why I am doing but my body is just making me". This is how it feels. It is compulsion and reflexive and I feel very out of equation. This is what my body makes me do but not necessarily what I want. I kept wanting to cancel but I find myself typing my address. I find myself regrettably sitting downstairs waiting for him to arrive like I might wait for a plumber to come and do his work and leave. 

Things happen he fucks me. The dick is good the oral was very good. He wants me to sit on his face and like moves me into this position. I am not into sitting on someones face. I have never done this before but it seems to me to be something that maybe BBW would not need to participate in, but he wants it. He loves my body. It is hard to hear men loving my body and for me to feel inside that they have this appreciation for me that I don't have. We fuck twice. He wants to touch. I don't want to touch. Touching feels too personal. He wants me to lay next to him with his arm around me, I must feel like a statue there because it makes me uptight. I want him out of my bed. He wants to fuck me again but it is 2am and I am fucking done. He asks me to massage his back. I complain audibly about this, this feel like a stretch for me, I try to comply because...well I don't know why, because I am submissive and it just feels better to do what they want me. I touch his back for like 12 seconds and then I say " you have got to go". 

I felt a little bit shitty when he left. I am not sure why it felt shitty exactly. It was a slew of things. It was that he was in my sanctuary, my bed, where I cuddle with my kids. It was that I did not want my kids to wake up and me not be able to take care of them like I want to because he is there. It was that is was 2am and I prioritized the dick over sleep, which meant I was going to struggle the next day to do all the shit I need to do. It was such a desperate act of sexual need to round out an even more desperate weekend of sexual indulgence. I was disgusted with myself. 

I did finally get through the deprived and intense urges for dick. And I won't credit it all to the local guy but I will give him his due. I mean it was like the Berlin Wall, it was not coming down with one shot. But I did go see the local guy last night even though I did not think he could do it for me. His dick is the smallest I play with but realistically falls in the average white guy range. I don't know exactly why but he always makes my body feel good when I am with him. It surprises me because really my urge is a deep feeling of needing to be fucked. I thought it was a stretching, filling up thing but maybe it is just the motion of that hard core fucking I like. 

I let myself in and walk up the stairs and he is in bed stroking his dick, naked, we talk while I take my panties off. We talk like we are not going to have sex. It is funny to me. I got between his legs and finished my sentence about taking the kids to the beach earlier that day and then sucked his dick. I dont ever feel like a slut with him. Most of the time when I feel like a slut it is a good thing, like it gives me good fantasy material.  However with him we just feel like two grown ups having fun. He usually likes to go down on me but I did not really want it, I just wanted the dick. I bend over and he spreads my pussy apart and starts eating my pussy vigorously. I did not know how much I wanted that. He comes up from my pussy and takes me by the chin and kisses me. It was hot. Before long he fucks me. And as I feel the rhythm of his body entering mine I finally feel the satisfaction that I need. I dont even know if I came, maybe I did. I dont squirt when I am with him.... I dont know why some men make me squirt all over the place and some men dont. I am still discovering what it is that makes me do it. Either way, I finally felt relieved. As I was getting dressed, I look over and see a hat, at first glance it looks like a Trump hat, but it was not. I asked him if he was a Trump supporter, as soon as I asked I wished I had not. However he said he was republican but not a Trump supporter. Thank god, I dont think I could keep fucking him if he was a Trumper.

In reality it did not take too much dick to make me happy it was just a lot of hurdles to get to it. This is the importance of a team and this makes me feel again more devoted to those that make me happy. This is why I have such long relationships or arrangements with people because when you mesh and make each other happy why do anything else. I dont need new dick, I just need reliable good dick. 

This weekends excursion did make me like FOB just a little be harder. All those men touching me, and touching me so unsatisfying made me remember how when FOB touches me that it feels good. That laying with him feels peaceful and loving. The conversations with FOB are meaningful and I dont feel shitty when I leave him, I feel happy and content. In my heart I just want to be with one man and I wish I could be happy with that, but I can't. 

Monday, August 23, 2021

SMH

 So after Saturday nights debacle I was in such of a frantic need for dick that I scheduled for 9am with this guy, who I think is 38. I feel like he is not going to show but he does to my surprise. He does not look 38. He looks much younger and he just had a younger vibe. He kisses me some and I feel his hard dick through his pants. ( Shout Out for dicks who are ready for the party). I ask him for the condom and he says he did not bring any. I get pissy fast. I am not sure of my tone but inside I felt like freaking out on him and talking to him like he was stupid. I say "well you better go get some, there is a cvs around the corner". I mean we talked about condoms, I was pretty clear so how do you fucking come to a strangers house with no condom. He says he will go and get one. He gets in the car and says he realized what time it was and he had to go so he was not late for work. Numb, I reply "ok then". He text me later that he was not mad he just really had to go. I was not mad either I was frustrated and dick-less but I was not mad. I asked him how old he was again.... he is 23. Smh, now I was mad because I wanted the vigor of a 23 year old horny man to fuck me. Maybe we will have some fun with that another time. 

As luck would have it, a guy that I have been trying to see for legit 6 months text me and asked me if I was free. I said he could come right now and he was on his way. Now I am at my desk working waiting for him and my ex husband (the first one) pulls up to my house to put up a trampoline for my kids and has my oldest with him. I see the guy pull up. I tell my ex he just can't come over unannounced, had it been five minutes later I would have been fucking this guy when my daughter walked up to my room. SMH. I tell him to give me an hour. I swear the shit I go through just for some dick. 

So the guy, did bring condoms, so that is a plus, and he had a nice dick, but I was so desperate for the fucking I just wanted the intercourse I could not even get into, then my ex fucking up my morning was fucking with me. I just needed dick in my body so desperately. I got it but for not even close to enough time, I did not cum, I did not even take the edge off. As he dressed I said, like a bitch, "So I guess there is no round two" he did not respond. He did ask me if he could smoke here and I told him no. I did not want neighbors to see some random man smoking at my house. Maybe I should have let him. I dont think we vibed. It was hard to tell because I am feeling like such a horny bitch I only want one thing. 

I did go to see FOB tonight. I have seen him with the kids before, we will go to a park or something, and tonight the little one wanted to go with me. I have been feeling like a bad mom for having any fun time at all and I brought her with me. I was not going to be out long and it was not like I was going to be able to get the dick like I wanted anyway. It was good to see him. I liked to be near him, I like talking with him and smiling with him and he just makes me feel happy. As we were leaving he leaned over and kissed me and the second he did that my daughter shines the flashlight she is playing with on  us and shouts "why are you kissing when you are not married"? It was a sweet moment but the realization that she will tell everyone she knows that I kissed my friend. She will tell my Mom, her Dad and anyone who will listen. There is no privacy for me and my life. And while there is no shame in my game it is daunting to have to so little privacy while I try to figure out my way. 

I was going to go out tonight to get some dick but I am weary. My search has left me frustrated and contemplating where I am going wrong in life that get a good fuck has taken so long and is so unreachable. 

These last few days I have increased my deep appreciation for the good men I do have in my life. The reliable, the hard working, the ones that fuck me so well that I never need to see someone on the way home from fucking them. I feel like I need to focus on them. There may not be quantity but there but there is quality and I think I would like to fuck one of them when our schedules mesh vs this bullshit I have experienced this weekend. 

Sunday, August 22, 2021

Mouthful

 I did not get the dick I needed before my period, but as my period was ending I felt so incredibly desperate to fill my body with dick. It started yesterday but the pangs of hunger would not quit. I started looking for dick on the website I go to. It went well. Before I knew it I had dick lined up and I was good to go. But then the other dick I was eyeing up text me minutes after I made the first plans. I wanted both. I almost had myself a threesome lined up, it was so close but the one guy was not feeling it. Dick A I would meet and Dick B told me to call him when I was done. Sold I will take that deconstructed threesome over one dick. 

Now I headed out to be dick A, I immediately liked his energy I thought he was fun and I was looking forward to fucking. His dick was not ready for the party. I am not sure what the problem was. He kept reassuring me that he wanted to fuck me and was touching me in a good way but the dick was not cooperating. It could have been the 3 shots he had before he came out but as we talked, and the conversation was easy and nice, turns out he was feeling awkward about just meeting me an hour after connecting online. And I think he made mention of prostitution was not his thing like 4 times and then somehow he swingers came up and he asked me if I was a swinger and I said yes, and he said that he could never please me. It was weird and just got weirder and weirder. The dick never rose to the occasion fully and I sucked too much dick. I wanted to leave but I also dont want to leave in haste with a man in that kind of state. Not being able to perform is going to make him feel a lot of feelings and me dipping out with anything but kindness and patience would not have been a good move for me. I always think about safety first, it is a delicate balance to exit when the fucking did not happen. In my mind I wanted him to lift my dress up  and fuck me from behind and then I go home. I just wanted the dick. I stayed longer than I wanted and I finally was able to exit gracefully. 

I pulled off and text Dick B. And headed over to his place about 20 minutes away. I am not sure if he looked how I expected him to look. Most men I deal with are on the skinny side, he was a little thick but it was good. I told him I wanted to come in get fucked from behind for 20 minutes and bounce.I asked him if condoms he said he should. He was going to check. I headed over. He came out to get me and we walk back to his to place. I move things right along and we are in the bedroom, before I have a minute he is pushing me down face first on the bed and is spreading my pussy apart and devouring it. All I could think was he knows I just fucked another man and ate that pussy with so much passion. He flipped me over and I started to squirt a little bit but then he did something and I squirt in his mouth. This was not intentional but I liked it. Before I knew it I was laying in a wet spot in the bed from my squirting all over. I wanted this mans dick so bad but he does not have  condom. He said he did not really think I was going to show up so he did not think it was a big deal. I lay down and groan in the agony of being so close and yet not being able to get the dick. He is very affectionate and touchy. I like it. I had to leave because it was 3am so I finally had to to call it and get dressed, or just put my dress on because my panties and bra were in the car. But I left with out the dick. 

Again, can this be non other than a lesson from the universe? I mean two dicks and neither one of them were able to bring it. I mean it is like the story of my life. Hungry for dick and never able to get it. Like literally dick in my hand, dick sliding between my legs but no dick in my pussy. I am glad at least dick b made me cum and I really liked the way he ate my pussy. It was aggressive and it was fucking hot as hell. I have never squirted from oral. It was amazing and I really liked doing it in his mouth. I know how you men feel leaving cum in a women's mouth, it just feels powerful. I am getting these tastes of power lately that I am really loving. It is hitting a place that I have never experienced. 

I did think a lot of FOB during these experiences. With Dick A I wished is was FOB, we did a lot of laying naked together and touching and he was not the person I wanted to do that with. I just wanted his dick not to know him as a person or even talk. I had an agenda but I did not get it done. With Dick B I did think of FOB breifly but I must say when this man went down on my there is not much of coherent language that came out of my mouth or formed thoughts in my mind. I was in the zone. He is a lifestyle guy and I really fucking appreciate that. He apartment smelled like that of a lifestyle guy. That sounds weird but I know I have talked about it before. There is a product that lifestyle men like to use and it has such a familiar smell to me. Not a bad smell not even a good smell just a smell that permeates the air pre-party and all the men are showing up. And when they get close to you, you can smell it. I don know what it is but that smell brings me back to the days of gang bangs and orgies. 

I liked the conversation with Dick B more. He was friendlier and seemed to have his shit together. He was like a real grown up with now drama etc. Dick A was suspect, I would not be surprised if he was still married and I fucked him in his families house. Or rather tried to fuck him. 

Last night as I got int he car at 3am I felt this vigor of being alive, of having no kids trailing behind me and having the freedom to do as I please. It was incredible feeling. As I drove home and got closer and closer to home I was fixated on the fear of did my children need me tonight and was I not there for them? The little one, who sometimes comes in my room at night and did she come into room and I was not there and was she scared and did she go looking for me. Then I further panicked and thought maybe she went to see if I was in the car and walked outside and then I was convinced she was missing. This happened all in a few minutes so by the time I got home I was in a full panic. My little one did get out of her bed and ended up curled up on the floor of my room and the other two were asleep. My heart settled as I sat in my bed and waited for sleep to come. The mom guilt is intense. It is seriously intense. 

Today my body feels taunt with pent up frustration but I am tired like an old women who stayed out too late. D was suppose to visit today. I did not even think he would show up. I think he wants what I want - our meetings to be logistically easier and not to talk about it. 

JF has been a thorn in my side. I have felt saddened again by his lack of parental involvement and feel like I am digging deep in my soul to not be petty with him and keep my eye on the prize. The prize is my kids loving their Dad and having him available to him. The prize is never being the reason my kids dont see their father and never having to feel regret for giving into the knee jerk angry reactions. It is hard but he is always part of our family, I will always do what I can for him and I will always foster a relationship with the kids. I feel like I need to pray on this one, I need the universe to send me reinforcements. 


Friday, August 20, 2021

Cry Baby

 I went to see FOB this evening. I missed him and wanted to see him. We have not talked that much this week, I felt some distance from him. He said he felt some distance from me. I find myself smiling the car to myself on the way there. Life feels so good in the anticipation to see him. I can not help but smile so big when I see him. He is so serious when I see him and smiles when I call him out for not smiling with me. We have really big conversations about life and I find myself opening up more and more with him and letting my guard down with each time I see him. I feel like this is different, this is not just some guy that I am dating and killing time with, it just feels different to me. He does not touch me when he gets in the car. He does not kiss me. I dont say anything about this because if I said something tears would come immediately because for whatever reason he is not touching me it will always feel like I am not good enough. We talk, we sit, we drive. I say to him in one burst of bravery, why are you not touching me? He takes my hand and guides it to his semi-hard dick. He said as soon as he touches me it gets hard and there is nothing we can do about that tonight. I feel his dick getting harder as my hand lifted away.

He does not ask me to suck his dick but the expectation was palatable. I tell him I dont want to. And I did not want to. I thought about it before I even went, as I knew he would want that. There is so many reasons I did not want to: its hard to logistically do bent over the middle part of the car, no place to clean up, jaw fatigue, lack of reciprocal pleasure, and I just really dont like to do that. I will suck dick but to completion, I mean it just feels like a waste of a good dick. I very rarely do it. It is a lot of pressure to perform. 

He said something that upset me and I started to cry, he gripped me up and held me and apologized and just held me. I dont even recall what he said, it was nothing that should have made me cry, but good lord I feel emotional with him. I felt so connected with him in that moment I wanted to make him happy. I wanted to make sure he was not leaving tonight with a hard dick and no outlet for it. So I lean over and start sucking his dick. I feel like it took forever and I am still learning what he likes. You know I would prefer to be a pro at anything I do, I dont like this learning part. 

And can you believe he said that thing again, that thing I hate. "Show me how good you can do it" and other remarks of the same sentiment. I eventually just told him to stop saying that and went back to the dick. He wanted me to talk dirty. I am no fun in that department either. It is like physically impossible for me to get the words to come out of my mouth. 

So here I am in this place of feeling so vulnerable, wanting to please him, feeling like I can't do it well enough, thinking I am not good enough, getting tired of sucking this dick and finally he starts to cum. I get this really powerful satisfaction from watching him cum (because I did not let him cum in my mouth). It felt good and I was not sure why I was against it after I had done it. It really felt satisfying to give him pleasure in that way.  

I dont know why I cry so easily when I talk with him. It is really strange for me, I am not sure what is taking me to this vulnerable emotional place other than just feeling real feelings for someone... I am not sure. Maybe this is the lasting effects of JF cruel abandonment? I need to get it together, an emotional mess is not the look I am going for.


Wednesday, August 18, 2021

Ready or Not

 I think every single month I am taken off guard about how much my oncoming period makes me crazy and bitchy and careless, with only one thing on my mind, dick. Each month, I feel it coming like when you are on a log flume ride and you feel the boat click up each and every few inches, before you get to the top and for a few moments you hang there is utter despair while you wait to free fall. Its every month for over 20 years and I can not believe how palatable it becomes for me each month. It is this week to ten days before my period I make all my bad decisions regarding sex. It is when I leave all my morals and limits at the door and I just look for that balls to wall euphoric flow of pleasure. This particular month has felt like a fucking marathon. I could see all the rock hard cocks at the end and feel like I ran heartless through the race, panting and gasping, face red, sweaty and hot and I just could not get to the dick before my period came to me. I did not make it to the finish line. 

It feels so alone, like I am untouchable. The neighbor is good to fuck me on my period but schedules are hard. FOB does not even want to talk about my period. Last week when I mentioned that I was tired because I was going to get my period he asked me not to talk about those things anymore he just could not tolerate the thought of it. There is a special place in my heart for the men who fuck while women are bleeding. I feel like there is nothing I can't do for them. I mean they deliver 4 weeks out of each month, they deserve special treatment. 

D and I made some loose plans for this past Sunday, he did not call, and did not show and I was ok with that. I was kinda relieved to be honest. Although when he face popped up on my phone today I instantly smiled. We talked for maybe 30 seconds. It was really, sorry about Sunday yada yada yada, how about this Sunday, sure, I will call you that morning, ok see you later. It was all that I needed. I just hope now I have the physical and mental energy to fuck this man. And not only fuck him, but fuck him so he does not complain about it. That is the key. I think that is the part that requires all the energy is the trying to make him happy vs just trying to have fun. His pressure has dampened my spirit a little bit and makes me sad too. 

Im learning a lot about myself in this relationship with FOB. I think that I am a nice person but I think that sometimes I am not as caring as I can be to people in a relationship. For example I think I am more tolerant of people I just see casually vs dating. And I think I expect men to be this super human force that never have feelings. Or at least I don't assume they dont have feelings. I need them to explicitly share their feelings because I feel like I do not pick up on them. I do this with people I casually see as well. I often just will ask if they are irritated or uninterested because reading social cues seems a bit too experimental to me, can't people just fucking say how they feel? I say how I feel, I just wish someone could do me a solid and return the favor. And also social cues across cultural boundaries are different. I have known men from several cultures well enough to know the same words or actions does not always mean the same thing. 

Im still feeling things out with FOB. Somedays I feel so in love and other days I feel so indifferent. I think I would feel different if he was not fresh off the boat and had his life established. And I could not be more hands off. I don't want to "raise him" in this country, I have already did that for one man and I am overly cognizant to not get involved in his establishment of himself in this country. So much so that I think he thinks I don't care. Of course I care but I just can not allow myself to get wrapped up in it because I will want to fix it for him. It is a fine line between helping and enabling and I can't see that line yet. 

Even thinking through these things exhausts me, maybe I am not ready for a relationship like I thought I was. And as I am going back to work in the office a few days of the week I feel like I dont even have the time for it. Who has the time for all this extraneous talking and shit? Maybe when I was kidless in my twenties, but as a real grown up with kids - dating is dam near impossible. 

Saturday, August 14, 2021

Here I am

 I went to see FOB tonight. There is this weird dynamic with him. He makes me feel real emotional, like this intense vulnerability and sense of wanting to make him happy and sometimes I disapproving look makes me feel like crying. It makes me feel small again like a child. It is hard to articulate. I am not sure what is happening there. We were talking about what we were going to do tonight and we both had different ideas but the miscommunication made me start to cry, because I did not want him to be disappoint or something. I don't even know what it is. There is a tone in his voice that I find both attractive and intimidating and I don't know what to do with it. His words are so loving and kind but his tone cuts me down sometimes. I am just going through the motions here of trying to figure out what it is we are trying to do. It is hard though, having feelings is so hard. 

Tonight we ended up stopping the car in a church park lot just for some alone time to talk. We talked for a long time, I cried a little, we talked about the openness of the relationship. It is a lot to unpack, I get that. He is not deterred. Although with every word that comes out of his mouth I am expecting him to tell me "he thinks we should not see each other". On some level I feel like I am pushing him a little to see if he stays. This can't be healthy and I feel a little bit like a child learning my boundaries. We finished talking really and he asks me to suck his dick and I said "like until the end...because I don't want cum in my mouth". He repeats what I say in shock and I stand firm that I don't like cum in my mouth and he says "am I just anyone"? Touché! He got me but I am still not letting him cum in my mouth, particularly in this parking lot where I have no water for after. I offer him a better solution. I say let me cum around your side I will bend over there and you will fuck me standing up. He was cool with this solution to our problem. I exit the car, in this open parking lot, with some house about 50 feet away. I take my panties off and come to his side. I bend over, he lifts my dress and fucks me good. I am silent and in this silence I feel him cumming inside of me so sharply. This connects me to him. I was feeling disconnected but the sex and the touch bring me back to a place of togetherness.  

I don't have a way to clean up after that and as I sit in my dress I feel the cum leaking out. His stickiness is now on my inner thighs and dripping from my cunt. It is a nice reminder of our connectedness. 

I leave him and listen to the radio and I hear a podcast of sort about this Jewish woman's experience in Hebrew School. I want to be a Jewish woman, I feel so close to that religion for some inexplicable reason but I listened to this podcast intently as I drove home. She talked about how the rabi had told her that she new all the Hebrew she would ever needed and she learned it the first day and it was simply when she said "Here I am" when her name was called. This act of being present was the purpose of the experience. And I am not doing the podcast justice but to paraphrase she talked about how would give thanks for her life and show respect for her life and the Rabi told her that to be thankful for who and what you are you simply needed to be who and what you are. 

A little bit a guilt lifted from me at that point. Some may not agree but I am not ashamed of who and what I am, it is how I am, be it from trauma or from genetics or maybe a combination of both I am a sexually free spirt and Here I am. 


Friday, August 13, 2021

Let's Talk

 FOB and I continue to ride the roller coaster. We go into a conversation about jealousy and what not and I was explaining how when I see men, it is not a relationship but an arrangement and there are not strings attached. If he was seeing a women (outside of adult parties) that there would be conversation and chatting because very few women like me exist. At one point I said "these men are like live dildos to me" and that in "reality sex is an addiction for me at times" and "I need sex like I need air to breathe sometimes". He paused and said " I am just processing the words that are coming out of your mouth". I felt very brave in this conversation. I was just sharing my truth and my need to be sexually free and I felt no guilt about it. If we are to continue to date he should understand how important sex can be for me. 

This conversation did not go so well. He said he did not want to talk anymore tonight and he would talk to me tomorrow. I was cool with that but I did not get a chance to really speak my truth. It is unfair for him to act like he is shocked about the things I have said when I have been saying them all along. I mean it when I say I can not do another vanilla relationship. It is just not going to work for me, and that is ok. I am going to be alone or I am going to find someone who want a relationship like me. 

I went to meet this new guy tonight. He has been on the radar a month or more but I have been reluctant and I have also been a total bitch to him. He was persistent though and I appreciate that. The entire way there about about 10 seconds from turning around and changing my mind. He made me a little nervous because  he wanted to talk and see if we connected before we went to his house. We got to his house and we talked so easily. He was defiantly someone on my mental level and able to take to me about so many things. I enjoyed the conversation as much as I enjoyed the dick. The dick was thick, and long and lovely and hit all the right spots. He wore a condom and it was easy, I could have chatted with him and fucked him all night. It was the sex that left me teary eyed in the car on the way home. It is been a long time since I felt the need to cry after sex (Not since Mr. Morraco who hopefully I can see soon). 

After my cry in the car about the amazing sex I move into this mood that can only be summarized by the following words "Fuck yeah I am a whore and I like to fuck and that either works for you or it don't". And FOB should figure that out quickly because I am frustrated that we even have to talk about it. I told him what it was and now he is shocked because it is what I told him it is. I can't do this kind of nonsense. I just do not have the patience for any of it. 

The neighbors officially wants back in the rotation... he is a little bit on my shit list for his nonsense, but I won't turn away the dick.

I was thinking about work today and how we know that children are only as happy as their parents and that parents need support to find their happiness and live their best life. Sex makes me Happy.  I am my best self when I am getting regular good dick. 

Im tired to think about this anymore. FOB will be or won't be cool with me, but I will not bend to what he may want. It is just not possible for me to give that much of myself up. 

Thursday, August 12, 2021

The Bitch is Back

 Hormonal rage has got me pinned down today. I feel like such a bitch and I having some trouble getting through the day. And of course when I am feeling so hormonal there is always some extra bullshit to make me feel more on edge, and today did not disappoint. 

FOB did not text me all day today. He usually text me in the morning and then calls me at 12 and will text me again at 4. Crickets all day. I did say that I would die before I text him but I thought why am I putting myself through that drama and I just text him. He has not responded and it appears as just read it this second (I sent a hour ago). He says his phone was having problems today that he is going to call me when he gets home because he is in the car with his sister at the moment. FINE. Maybe that is true, maybe it is normal for that shit to happen, right? I have learned in this very short time that being in a relationship makes me crazy. I need a lot of reassurance. I know that is because of JF, and I hope it dissipates as time wears on here. Part of me thinks FOB is too good to be for real or for this to really work out, I am looking for the problem, I am looking for the weaknesses in me, in him, in the relationship. 

The neighbor (big dick white guy who was giving me good dick 1x a week for months) text me today. This is the second time he text me in the last 2 weeks. It is like he is just reminding me that he can't see me even though I have not reached out to him and I don't even look his way. The first time is was nice to hear from him but this time if just got on my nerves (bitch day). It feels like he wants something from me, like he wants me to beg him or something, but he just keeps saying he cannot and I am like ok. Then he says "you have a lot going on now" insinuating that he would fuck me but I got a lot of dick. Then asked me if I would do anal. Now seriously there comes a time in a persons life where they reach a breaking point and I am getting there. I don't like the back and forth and hinting you want something but not really asking for it and then putting teases on it like if I do anal then he will fuck me. It was infuriating. Fuck me, don't fuck me, I don't care. I liked that he was easy to fuck, good at fucking, and zero drama but alas he could not keep that up. They all show their colors in the end. 

I don't get why it is so hard for me to find reliable dick. Im not asking for much, just a good dick, and very little from the man. Shit, I would even prefer if we never had to talk. I don't want to be your friend, I don't want to chit chat with you, I want you dick in my cunt like 1x week. I won't stand you up for our "appointments" and I will suck your dick for you and we never have to talk about it again. It is a service I want but it is mutually beneficial but I am getting to the point where I am like, fuck do I just need to pay for it. Maybe that is where the good reliable dick is at? I don't even care if they black or white or some other combo as long as the dick is good. Poor, rich, educated or not. I just want to be fucked on the regular with out having to go to far out my way. 

I did put a text out for some dick tonight, but I am not optimistic. He has not texted me back. I don't have the throbbing pussy that lets me know I need dick but I do have this insane bitchy attitude that needs to get dialed back and I know nothing does that better then getting fucked. 


Tuesday, August 10, 2021

Show Me

 Please men don't ever say to a women you are having sex with "show me" how much you like it, or "show me" how freaky you are, or any other variation of this phrase. D says this to me I think every time I see him. I hate it. It literally takes me out of the sub space I am in and puts me in a defensive place of having to prove my worth to him. And not for nothing but was I not just showing you all of those things? He might have just as well had said "Cant you do any better"? Or at least this is what it feels like on my end. I mean could you imagine if a women said that to you mid-fuck..."show me how much you want that pussy" while you are literally fucking her to show her that you want her pussy. FOB said this to me the other day. (Deep audible sigh). It was like a shot to the chest when I heard it. 

Today FOB has been quiet with texts and calls. He explained to me that he is feeling stressed about something. I get stress and I get stress that makes you want to retreat.....but I just feel all the pangs of heartache that come with not knowing your place in someones life. I hate to seem needy and attention seeking and I try to suck up all the feelings I have and push them down and pretend they are not killing me, but I am having so much trouble with it tonight. It is painfully obvious to me tonight that JF not paying attention to me hurt and left long lasting scars that are just busted open with this new person in my life. Im uneasy and unsure if he still likes me just because he has not been as attentive as he has been, but I also know that my instincts are sometimes right. So time will tell but in the mean time I retreat to my comforts - dick. I check the dating site for the first time in weeks.  I start sifting through the men, trying to differentiate the good from the bad. This is what I also do, whenever I have feelings I look for a dick to help push them away. This has always been my way. 

I remember when I was 17, there was this guy who drove a corvette, I guy who when I recalled what he looked like I gagged a little bit. He was white and gross, kinda overweight, and seemed like he was 40 year old man at age 18. I was not attracted to him in the least bit, in fact, I had to really push myself to do it but I had sex with him. I remember it so vividly, I remember even the panties I was wearing and how I felt when he touched them, I was disgusted. I can not recall why I did it. It was not even good, I think it last like 2 minutes if that. It was just a way of me blocking how I was really feeling about my recent break up or fight with my boyfriend. 

Thinking back to those younger years I am lucky to have not found my way in to porn or human trafficking. 

I have felt a desire to carry out a rape scene lately with someone. I feel like now it feels like I can get the authenticity because I really just want to be with FOB and I think that it will allow me to tap into the feeling I am looking for. 

But I also just want to have some mindless dick that takes me away from the stress of a new relationship and not knowing what the future holds. I wish I was better at enjoying the moment but I am so intertwined with what will be vs what it is. 

Jesus, just since writing that I have convinced myself that wanting to only see FOB is causing more stress than necessary. This week I have a cold and my daughter is out of town so I have no baby sitter but I do think I need to have some other experiences. 

The neighbor text me the other day, just to say hello. I don't know what to even say to him. We exchange polite text but all I really want is to fuck him and I assume if he wanted to fuck he would say that, so what's the point in even talking. 

Today I feel the exquisite pretense of the hormones that make me feel like a bitch. Oh I feel like such a bitch, it might be better FOB and I did not talk on the phone today because I don't know if I can mask the bitch in me today. 

This is one of those days where D would beat me while we are fucking. I would find myself telling him no and being very assertive and he would remind me of my submission to him. He would remind me with every thrust of his dick and every slap to the ass, in the way he grips my body and they was he relentlessly makes me cum until  I cry for him to stop. 


Sunday, August 8, 2021

Ice Ice Baby

 FOB came over last night. This was the first time I had someone other than D over while my kids were home. I have had that firm boundary and I am ok letting that go, not that I would have multiple people over but It is impossible for me to have a relationship and be a parent if I do not mix the two in some fashion. Last night was hard though the 9 year old would not sleep. He was up until 1am. It was beyond frustrating and did make my night a lot more difficult. However it did not stop me from getting it in. 

Lets first cover the oral. This man tells me to lay on the bed and then grabs my legs and slides me to the edge of the bed and gets on his knees and devours my pussy. It is incredible, like really incredible. Never in my life I have really enjoyed oral like he is doing.  We spend hours doing this oral and fucking routine. I took an edible gummy and I usually only have half but I must have taken to much because I was high. Seriously, it was too much. In my giggling haze I tell him about my fantasy about the hard working African men in the boating picture I love so much. I tell him how I like to pretend he is one of those men that I stumbled into as I find myself lost on this beach of hardworking and dirty men. I can not even gauge what his response was I was so far gone, like when I stood up it felt like I was on a roller coaster. He was gentle as he would help me up and reposition me for where he wanted to fuck me next, each time filling me with his cum. I love the way this man touches me. At one point we were fucking and I was on my side and he looks at me and put his hand around my throat, this throws me in to a panting orgasmic fit. How does this man know just how to touch me? And is this really the holy grail a man that is loving and helpful and sexual and wants sex and wants to explore my body and make me feel good. I feel taken care of from him. It is the feeling that this man will take care of me and not use me. Notable different then the feeling other men give me. Did I mention him picking me legs up and moving my body wherever he wants it. I am not a small women but good lord there might not be anything better that a man moving your around like you are not heavy. 

There was this moment when he asked me to get him some pizza from downstairs as we were laying together. I asked him to spank me, which he did so perfectly, but when I go up and went to get dressed to go down stairs I can only describe it in the way I have described JF to himself in the past. "He slipped into African man mode" and did not ask but rather told me what to get him. It was subtle. I mean he already did ask me in the bed nicely but something stood out to me as I got dressed and he reiterated what he needed, pizza and water with ice. It made me laugh, I was not bothered by it but I did serve as a reminder that we are again from different cultures. 

I laid in his arms and he stroked my hair. He seems to like my hair he is always playing with it, and I laughed and said that this must be the first white woman's hair he had touched. We laughed and I just melt into his arms. 

It all feels so fucking good. I am reminded of the times with JF when things were that fucking good and how you feel like how did I ever live my life without this person. 

On the way to my house we talked about my "adult activities" for lack of a better term. He asked me to be honest with him about what it is I am doing and tell him. He asked me detailed questions. I answered and I can't pretend I did not love the feeling of exposure and vulnerability this created. I can not get a sense of if he really is ok or if he is saying he is ok with it. I don't want to see anyone else still, I do just want to spend my time with him but I know the day will come when I don't want to or can't turn the dick away. 

I did tell him about the blog, but I did not share the name of it with him. I don't want him to actually read it, I just want him to not be surprised if he should ever come across it. 

The ice cubes... oh the ice cubes were introduced into the oral sex and I thought to myself this man is clearly here make me happy. It is like with his every move his goal was to satisfy me not himself. He did ask me to get on top of him. I could not do it, even with my edible induced relaxation I could not bring myself to climb on top of this man. I wanted to but I could not. That is too much of being seen and taking my own pleasure. After all this I did not orgasm the way that I want, the orgasm that comes from the magic wand. I don't know if I can even have that kind of orgasm with out the magic wand. I felt my body start to squirt and while this is something he likes I find it hard for me to let go. I worry that it will be too much, or I did not want to do it in his mouth, lol. There are a lot of things that are in my head that are preventing me from letting go. I want to and I am sure with time I will. 

I slept almost all day because I was so tired from the lack of sleep from last night. This is the only problem with this kind of sex, it is really hard to function as a grown up the next day. 

We did have a conversation Friday, which was not an argument, but it was kind of me expressing my unhappiness that he could not come over Friday vs Saturday as we planned. I was not happy and I shared that with him very openly. It was a difficult conversation that also did highlight the cultural mismatch happening here. I am not like an African woman, I am very classically your independent American women who is not afraid to set up her own threesomes and rape scenes. We are on two completely different planes but I am not deterred. There is something wonderful about cross cultural relationships as much as there are things that are hard. You meet this person who shares so little in common with you but your chemistry feels so right. It still feels like you were meant to be together despite all your differences.


Wednesday, August 4, 2021

Twisted

 I spent the evening with FOB, I was able to get out of the house with out the kids and we just planned on hanging out. Not at his place as he is fresh off the boat and still living with family so we just drive, stop here and there and just spend time together. Some of this time did involve me with my legs spread, and him fingering me, until my pussy was wet and it would make that wet inviting sound when he moved his fingers in and out of it. I know he wanted his mouth on my pussy as we contorted and twisted ourselves in the car to get our bodies where we wanted them to be, but logistically it just could not happen. Where he lives is a busy affluent area and there is no privacy, so when someone came to the area I was too freaked out to continue. It is weird to have him please me and not ask me to suck his dick, although his rock hard dick was painfully obvious through his mesh shorts. We kissed a little and we talked. I really like him but I am just trying to keep myself from jumping in with both feet. 

When I first met him I told him that I am not interested in monogamy and he seems ok with that, but oddly enough I have not really wanted anyone else since I have met him, but also no one is really offering me any dick. I am curious to see how other dick will feel, or if I will feel motivated to get some other dick. I know that feeling does not last for me though. Even though I do not want another dick enough to go out and find it right now that does not mean that the hormones won't kick in and the the burning desire to be used won't return with a vengeance. I know myself too well. The cravings always come back. Always. 

It is hard to know what it is that is happening. I have been wanting this type of relationship for so long I am a little in shock that it appears to be right in front of my face. I hate to be so skeptical and so pessimistic but the reality of what is happening is scary. The reality is I feel myself getting very attached to his man very quickly.

After all the ridiculousness D caused me over the weekend, he never called me on Sunday to come down and never called me at all this week. Tonight as I am driving home thinking about all the men in my life I am reminded that D does not love me. He might think he does but his type of love is not the kind of love that I need. In the words of meatloaf "I want you, I need you, but I will never ever love you" is what is happening with D. If he does not love me by now, enough to be with me then what's the fucking point. I am reminded of that by FOB who looks at me with love and I feel that. It is two totally different experiences. 

FOB seems to have a more sexual side than people I am used to being in real relationship with, it feels strange to me, combining this emotional and sexual part of my life is strange and mystifying. I don't always know what to do with it. For example, FOB will say something sexual and it will feel like to me that maybe I exaggerated the emotional part and he just wants sex, then he will come with the emotional parts and I am like ok maybe he does want a relationship. It is like with each sex act I am derailed and with each relationship building conversation I am renewed and I am so twisted up with my expectations. 

JF remains in Africa and sporadically calls the kids. Last night as he called for the kids I see him on the screen laying in bed, with no shirt on, I miss his body, I miss his giant strong arms around me and the whole thing still makes me so utterly sad. I still stand by our love was real. JF was the most amazing man I had known and showed me and my children more love then I have ever believed was possible. He is not perfect like I thought but I still very much miss him. Even with the new man in my life, each time I see JF I am taken back to a place of sadness and loss. I think for a long time now I have been trying to put one foot in front of the other and pretend like I was not as hurt as I am, but lately I am letting myself cry about as the feelings come about, maybe that will be the way I will heal from it.  

Sunday, August 1, 2021

Hanging Out

 So after the week of planning, getting the kids out of the house, deflecting D's interfering ways, I finally made it to the night of "hanging out" with this new guy. My friend and I call him FOB. (because he is fresh off the boat and has not been in this country long). Maybe I will call him that. 

I feel comfortable with him, like I have known him for a very long time. He cut my grass at my house and did a good job. I did not want to let him help me but seriously it felt so good to have someone offer to help me, even with something as simple as cutting the grass. I could not stop smiling, it just felt good. 

We ate dinner, we talked, he kissed me. I felt so weird and shy about that, but I did not dislike it. We eventually made our way upstairs. I got a shower, since all the yard work, and then I put-on my staple t-shirt jammies that just are long enough to cover my ass and no panties. He gets in the shower and I wait in the bed for him nervously. He comes out in his boxers and he is standing in front of me with his dick hard and I smile wide with the thoughts of that. He comes to the bed with me, I am so shy. It is so hard for me to get to a place of not being shy around sex with someone I like. Even people I am casually seeing it is hard for me, until it gets started. He moved himself down so he was face level with my pussy and provided me with what I think is the best oral sex I have ever had. In my head I am viewing the scene from afar visualizing what it looks like as this man spreads my legs far apart and eats my pussy. I am not sure I was ready for the dick but soon enough I felt him rubbing his rock hard dick on my wet cunt and sliding it in. There was eye contact, which is intense for me and I felt oddly like I belong to him at this fleeting moment. We fucked a lot, in a lot of positions. I like the way he handled me, a little bit rough, just he right amount of spanking and hair pulling. I can't complain about any of it. It was fucking lovely night all the way around. 

I did not sleep much so today I am paying for that but I feel really good about the whole experience. I really like him. It is a weird place to really like someone again. It was what I was asking the universe for...I know when I put intentions in the universe they usually manifest. So maybe this is the man I have been looking for. 

The real test of course is the "open" nature of the situation. Will he be ok if I have sex with someone else likes he thinks he will. That is the real test.