Stupid Servitude

 Today was a difficult day. First let me announce that is totally that week of the month that before my period when I feel like a total bitch. 

B, this guy who is the whitest black guy I ever met and is really good at spanking me. He wanted to come by today. I told him no but he kept on pushing it. I was firm. Not for nothing but the last two times he came over his dick was not working well and I was willing to give it another go but now it just seems not worth it to me. I felt set in my commitment to start behaving in a way reflect my desire to be with D. His persistent text started to annoy me and started to make me feel really used. That is weird to me because I have never felt used in a bad way but his persistence was making me feel like he only cared about what he wanted. And I hear it as I read this in my head, that sounds like me. My behavior consistently makes allowances for only what I wanted. 

Side Note - Now growing up my Mom waited on my Dad. My sister and I used to talk about how we would never do that for a man. It was so annoying. Just during dinner she would get up and get him everything he could possibly want. And he was an asshole to her most of the time, complaining about the littlest shit. I swore I would never cater to a man in that way. This promise I made to myself as a young child has stuck with me and I am reminded of it every time I do anything nice for a man. For example, even doing JF laundry makes me feel a little bit like I am doing to much for him. I like doing laundry and it does not take much time but it feels like such a act of servitude. Cooking for a man also HARD for me to do. I have thoughts about feeling to submissive as I am doing it. JF used to ask me just to make him some rice for when he gets home and that would piss me off and I would need to talk myself into it. So in some ways I can see the phrase that people use that I get what I want because sometimes giving them what they want feels like a deep sacrifice of my self-respect. Of course this is all in reference to my regular life, not my sex life. In sex I enjoy the penetrating feelings of submission and servitude. 

I managed to fend B off today than there was another text. Im not sure I even talked about this guy, maybe I did. He came to quick but he wanted to make plans for tomorrow. I politely told him I was not going to play, at least for right now. 

Then this other guy text me. Now this guy, I like his dick. It is big and he likes to just come over and fuck, he wears a condom, and it is just easy. I was not able to pause my play with him. He wants to come over at 1030 and I love my sleep so that is a heavy lift for me. I tried to make more convenient  plans for Saturday, but our schedules would not work. He actually wanted me to meet him at 2am on Saturday night. I was pissed off he even asked me that. I felt like asking him if he is stupid. Does he really think I am coming out at 2am for a 20 minute fuck. A gang bang maybe, but nothing good happens in the world after midnight. There is not reason for it. I go back and forth with him. I struggle to say no even though I dont really want to. I just want to take my Ambien and go to sleep. I dont want to continue to be his fuck toy that he thinks he can ask to come out at 2am after he goes out for the night. And does not want to me to come to his house on a Saturday morning because morning sex does not sound sexy to him (he actually said that). I confirmed with him. And now I want to cancel but I guess I won't. I am just fucking mentally exhausted for all the thoughts I am having but in the back of my mind all I can think of is I better get this dick before I get my period. I dont know when D will be back down, maybe next week, but very likely I will not see him for the next two weeks. Its not that I want this man I just need his dick for a few minutes. 

I called D today. I did not want to talk really but he made mention of me not even calling him and I thought he will never say that shit to me again. I will call his ass every day if I need to. I do think my recent withdrawal from him and my coldness did wake him up a little bit. It is like he finally stopped taking for granted that I will be there every time. 

My mind literally is occupied with the thoughts of D. I just day dream about his dick now. I feel a little bit of ownership of it all of a sudden and I am sitting with this feeling of possibly being able to have this dick whenever I want. 

FOB text me last night right after my post. He had said that he was ok with us still talking and being friends but he added that there could not be any "intamacy" between us. Now this is a statement that he made because he thought it would have me begging to have him back. I told him I thought that it was a good decision because he needed to focus on getting his life together. He is stupid. Why would you not want to have sex sometimes? Seriously, good luck to him finding another women willing to fuck him raw in a fucking parking lot because he does not have a place of his own. I will miss fucking him. I did like the way he fucked me. If his dick was like a inch longer it would have been perfect. I did love when he came I could feel his dick pulsating inside of me. I am sure I will be fucking him again before too long. He does seem to have more intense feelings. I mean compared to him I look like a damm sociopath. He gets to wrapped up in the feelings, just give me the dick and let it be. 

So maybe you are confused, because I know I did say I wanted to stop and really be respectful to D. And I do, but Rome was not built in a day people and this submissive whore on her extended slow moving gang bang will not be turned into a faithful girlfriend overnight. There will be lapses in judgement, there will be mistakes made, there will be dick had. 

Fuck 'Em!

 I literally spent every free second of my day thinking about what it will be like to have D fuck me everyday. I get lost in this idea of being sexually satisfied all the time. I just keep thinking about the play by play of how he will wake me up with his dick, how he will put me to sleep fucking me, how he will ask me to come upstairs in the middle of the day. Monday was the first time he acknowledged that I will not want to have sex everyday, he did not say it in the usual asshole way he usually does but just as a fact that he knows. I can't imagine turning him down for sex. I am not sure that I could do that. I can tell him I have had enough now after he has been fucking me for hours and my pussy is sore and fucking would just mean a whole lot of not good pain. However if we had not fucked that day I dont know if I would be able to tell him no. I know there will be times that I will not want to be touched but to say no feels like such a line in the sand. If I wanted some dick and it was right there next to me and he said no I would feel bad about it. I  really dont say no often to anyone. JF and I I think maybe 3 times I said no, if that. My whole life it has always been about getting dick so I never turn it down. 

I walk around my house and think about what this moment would be like if D was here. As I sit in my bed and type this I think about if he was next to me would I be able to write? Would he let me have this outlet unchecked by him. Would he even be curious to know what it is I am typing so much of? 

Now no one said he is moving in tomorrow. Maybe it will not happen or maybe it will happen faster than I think. I dont know. It is just the first time in 20 years that we are talking about making moves to be together. It is exciting and I am reveling in the that excitement a little bit. I am cautiously optimistic. In my head I hear the jeers of the blog reading community that maybe see D as a bit of an asshole. I know this. I mean I know his asshole tendencies well, but there is something about him that does pull me towards him. I do believe he is my person and for all reasons that I should not move forward with him there is the one overshadowing one of I love him and I feel like it is worth taking a chance. 

So the texts come in, all the men who I have built relationships with and cultivated our time together to be something that I found fulfilling are texting me to set up another time to see me. A couple things come to mind as I see these texts roll in. 

1. I dont want to let them go. I just want to hit pause and keep people just within reach just in case I need them. 

2. Even though they give me physical pleasure there is a LOT of time and effort that goes into all of it. The benefit does not always outweigh the price I pay. Playtime cost me my very precious time, my energy, I have to drive there, I have to worry about condoms and stds and deal with limp dicks and men who cum to fast. On some level the thought of giving up my team makes me feel like I can exhale and forget all about the mono-initialed dicks that have given me some fleeting pleasure and just do something else with my life. 

3. It is a reminder to me about how little some of these men care about me. That they use me as their free prostitute and call me when the spirit moves them. I realize that is what I do, but I dont like it when I realize they are doing the same thing with me.

4. Fuck em! Im a little bit over it all. Fuck them canceling on me or worse ghosting me. Fuck them not having the common sense to wear a condom. Fuck them not calling me and making me wonder if I was good enough or not. Fuck them for all the stupid things they have said that I have politely smiled away. Fuck them and their limp dicks and poor excuses for fucking. Fuck them for just cheating on their wives and girlfriends. Fuck them for sending dick pics that clearly over represent the size of their dicks. Fuck them for not walking me out. Fuck them for not making me cum. 

I thought about FOB today. I want to talk with him, but I am not going to do that. I dont know what I want to talk about. I just miss him a little bit and I want him to be happy. I think me calling him or texting him will make things worse for him. He does not seems to be able to draw the line of having friends. I did think it was odd he did not seem to have any close friends. When I ask him who he talks to about things he would say he only talks to me. That concerns me, why does he have no friends? I like the idea that I was the first white woman he was with. I know that he will remember me and that makes me happy. The whole situation with FOB I feel like was my fault, I got too caught up in feeling loved and just went with it blindly with out thinking. I feel bad about that, I should have kept some more boundaries in that relationship than I did. 

And just because I feel like I have not talked about him in awhile, JF, still in Africa and has not called the kids in like 2 weeks. He does not say when he is coming back and he still owes me a shitload of money. 

Who comes first?

Yesterday I was miserable. I was just a little out of sorts after two full days alone with the kids with no distractions is a lot some days. I was just feeling like a bitch. I had made tentative plans with a new man but I was not sure I needed to be around any one. I was really back and forth with him and then finally in the last minute I decided to go out. I frankly just needed to get out of the house and away from the kids and it would not hurt to get some dick. Who knows right... it might be good. 

I head out and listen to my hype songs in the car. I come in and things begin. There is oral and there is some squirting when he if fingering me. I thought to myself "this is a man who knows his way around a woman's body". His dick was not huge but it he made it work and he made me feel very comfortable in his company. We had good sex and he wore a condom, nothing out of the ordinary. Afterwards he brings me a warm wash cloth and a towel and I thought to myself what a lovely thing, very thoughtful. He hopped in the shower and I left feeling pretty good with a little pep in my step. I drove home and reentered my house with a little more patient and a little bit refreshed. 

D had plans to come Monday. I took the day off of work to spend time with him. It begins as it always does and the tears stream down the side of my face and he enters my body. Part of me wonders what keeps things so fresh between us and why is it so good every time. Hundreds of times he has fucked me and he always pleases my body.

I was feeling so bold today. I am in a place in my life where I dont want to live in ambiguity so as we lay naked together I look him in the eye and ask him if we are going to be together or not. Now I just dont know where this conversation went left but it sure did. Before I know it he was asking me if I had been fucking someone else. I swear to God I just knew I was caught. At first as he looked me in my eye and asked me I said nothing I just looked at him in silence. He pressed on, I became fidgety and uncomfortable and I said "I has sex with one guy, a local guy". He did not get mad like I thought he would. In fact he slid down in the bed and pushed his semi hard dick in to my pussy and kept fucking me. We talked more. He talked about how he wanted to or "his intention" was to move down here and be with me. He felt like I dissed him the other day when he talked about that and I did not jump with excitement. There was a lot of conversation today. He asked me how many men I slept with. Why would he ask me that... what is hoping to glean from that kind of information, he berates me and and I tell him 93. He laughs and says we both know 93 is not the number, but I added 93 is when I stopped counting. He corrects me and says that is when I lost count... The truth is I really lost count about 225. He brought up the thing that irritated him, he did not like when I was playing with those women back and the day and how he get mad when I masturbate with out him. There was lot of conversation, I did not not want to talk  but I wanted to connect with him him. I just wanted him to say "I love you", and when I said do you love me he said "I'm not saying it now since you have just had another mans dick in your mouth"!

Where we left it was it is out intention for him to move into my house with me after he gets his financial issues under control. I say that knowing the actual chances of that happening seem to be slim. I just want to move slow and intentionally just to try to mitigate the chance of failure.

I broke up with FOB again, I dont think he is taking it well. It is not that I dont like him but I dont know what I want and the shit with D , if that is really happening then I need to end it with FOB. I would need to end it with everyone. 

I am 80% I am ok with that. I dont enjoy the constant search of good dick and it takes a lot of my time. If I can just take out all the activities I do to curate a dick team then it frees up a lot of free time. In my perfect world I would keep a few big dicks on staff to sit around the sex room and wait for me to come be ravaged by them. 20% of me worries that there is something I am getting from these activities that I dont relieaze I was fine with no extra activities  with JF. I really was. And then I was fine with just D and JF. The slow moving gang bang of the last two years might need to come to a close. 

I think about all the pros that come with D living with me.

1. Access to dick all the time, this mean never feeling in heat with out satisfaction of big good dick

2. A man to hold me when I need it, when I want to be close to a man and have him hold me he will be there.

3. A feeling of stability of not having to meet and search for new people and put myself at risk for all kinds of things that comes with meeting men for sex and all the free time. Like I will need a hobby. 

There are cons too

1. Sharing a house with a man, and it is not just him it is a man in general. He is a very neat person so I dont anticipate that being a problem. 

2. I need to dismantle my team. I have poured a lot of energy into finding these men but D is really clear he needs it to be me and him. Having said that, if I have a fantasy I know  he is willing to make me happy. 

3. Fear of this not working out. This is a big step and there is lots of fear that comes with it. Fear of every bad outcome you can think of. 

I dont know if it will happen but this is the closest we have every come to real commitment to one another. I think I am ok with giving up the team but I do worry about that. Do these mindless sex acts leave me with a sense of peace and distraction that I need? Is it just sex? I know it is not about the men  but what is it that drives me to see them when I dont even want sex. Why do I sometimes feel obligated to fuck them even when I dont feel like it and I dont even feel particularly attracted to them? 

Another side note. D said to me "whatever [my name] wants, [my name] gets". This stunned me a bit and made me stop going back and fourth with him. I just let him go talking about how I can not keep my legs closed while he was not able to come see me and how I wanted to fuck women and I went and did that. I personally did not see anything wrong with what I did. I wanted to fuck women so I tried it and I wanted dick and he did not commit to me so I went out and got me some dick. What is wrong with that? 

Well evidently there is a lot wrong with the way I behave. All the big relationships in my life people have said this EXACT phrase to me. When he said it, I was like not you too. My mom used to say this to me and frankly still does sometimes. My first husband used to say this to me when we were together. JF said this to me often. FOB said it to me. How can all of these people say the exact same thing to me, where they all experiencing the same thing? It is mind boggling to me. 

I talked to my friend about it, and she was surprised, which relieved me some. She says that I know what I want and I do not make excuses for knowing what I want and going to get it. I am also very clear with people. I am communicate in a way that I want others to communicate with me. I try to be as honest and as clear as I can be. Sometimes that makes for hard conversations but people generally know where they stand with me. I won't leave people in limbo. If I love you then you will know and when you hurt me you will know. I actively make a choice to push myself to have uncomfortable conversations with the goal of mutual understanding. I advocate for my needs in a relationship. I think of others but I do put myself first. Isn't that what you are supposed to do? If I dont take care of myself then who will? Why is everyone hating to me for self-care and self-preservation? 

"Your always in a mood"

 FOB and I are in the push / pull type of situation. In summary FOB appears to be lots of things that I want. He is ok with me have my dick and he is educated, polite and well mannered. He seems to be hard working but I am cautious. I dont have a deep feeling of wanting to "be" with him like I had with JF or my first husband or even D. I am trying to maintain boundaries in our relationship so I can get to know him with out moving into a false sense of love too fast. I am being very mindful of each step I take. I want so much to have found a man I can share my life with but there is a part of me that hold back. We were talking last night and I said something very dominate and he said " I thought you were submissive" and I replied with a man who allows me to feel submissive. He deduced that it was not him and he said to me "so I dont make you feel submissive". I quipped back "Not at all". At first I think it is easy to say because he is in a place of dependence on others that he lost some of him dominance, but that is not it. D has been a broke mother fucker for the last 20 years and has always depended on people but it never took away his natural dominance. If I were to compare D is like the lion, strong and bold without any account for his shortcoming. FOB is like the antelope, looks good but will be eaten by the lion if he does not watch himself. JF I would compare him to a monkey, strong in his own right but smart enough to know to stay out of the lions way, always plotting and planning. I have been watching a lot of animal documentaries with the kids lately, I can relate anything to my sex life. 

So back to the push /pull he pulls me in and then he acts like a bitch and pushes me away. He gets so moody and child like and passive aggressive and just like a bitch. And other times he is a man that I like. I did not know know I was feeling so strongly about that until those words just came out. Part of me thinks I should just break up with him and stop seeing him completely, but I like him. I like to be with him. I like hanging out with him and frankly I think that his place in life it just so difficult in life right now that it clouds he behavior. 

I was talking with the Jamaican guy the other day and he has immigration issues and for the record I would marry him if he asked me to help him resolve his problems. It would be an easy choice for me because I love him and I will never forget how much he helped me in life. Sometimes I think about once my kids will be older that I will just hang out with all these glorious men with complicated lives and enjoy their company and their accents and I never want to be married. At this point why would I get married? If I can financial hold my own and I can fulfill my need for dick what would be the purpose, and that is what tells me I am not in love perhaps. 

I love my single life so very much 90% of the time I just dont know how I would let that go. I always say we never know where the universe will take us and I dont know who God will put in my life. I might fall in love again like I did with JF. I still remember that night I knew I was in love with him. I still think about JF, I want to hug him. I need to hug him and kind of close that chapter. Even love like I have for him is just not enough sometimes. 

I was going to see the trucker last night I was so excited I was thinking about it. I was wanting him to fuck me raw. I dont know why. It was this need I just wanted it so bad, I wanted to feel the intensity and power that comes through with raw fucking. I thought about it for two dam days. I was was worked up about it. I thought about talking to him before hand about what I wanted and see if he would play along with my raw rape scene in my head, but I dont think that is his thing. He just seems like a really happy go lucky guy and I just dont see that side of him. He canceled due to a Covid exposure. So I was really grateful that he canceled because I can not afford to have Covid run through my house and all that entails but damm I was devastated. It was days of work up and fantasizing all to a very flat ending. For me that is my reminder from the universe that I dont need to do those things. I need to be very mindful of my choices and keep it to my current team. 

That thin guy never text me. I think he did not like me. I think my body was not what he wanted and he maybe was not wanting to hurt my feelings. This is just a sense that I got. 

I dont know what the weekend will bring. I am hoping to get out this weekend and have some fun while I am in this mood. 

Anxiety

 I met someone new. I dont know what to call him, I feel like initials are becoming too difficult to follow. When I think about him what stands out to me is that he was thin. So maybe I will call him the thin guy. I am not sure what to say about him. He somewhat reminds me of JF in his style of speaking and he seems to be well educated. I did not know this before I invited him over, but he has an accent. It was not an accent I was familiar with but turns out he is from one of the many countries in Africa. I did like that he had an accent. I sensed that he was nervous to meet me to just come over to fuck, so I suggested that we just meet. We did. He came over and we sat in my living room. This made me uncomfortable. First, I dont know him well and I would prefer my house be just a bit tidier before I have company. Toys overtake the landscape and my house always feels chaotic in that way to me. I try to make my bedroom and simplistic and kid free as possible, so I am more comfortable there then I am downstairs. But really it was this expectation of idle chit chat with the thought of will we or won't we have sex that really ramped up my anxiety. Waiting bent of naked for a stranger to come in is way easier than looking at his face and seeing him as a man and not just a dick. He confused me with the way he spoke about my body size. I mean I did think for a minute maybe he did not like big women, and then I wondered why he was there. I was uncomfortable at best. We did go upstairs and I liked the way he touched me and I like the way he used his mouth to please me. I feel like we  did not find our flow but he came and I never do this but I needed to cum so I asked him to suck my nipples why I used my magic wand vibrator. He seemed happy to do it and I came very quickly and several times. I did not want to stop cumming but eventually I had to pick the kids up from school so it had to come to an end. It was not the sex that I am often looking for, as I call it, the lift my dress up and fuck me from behind kind of fucking. But it was good in its own respect. 

I was reminded about my old friend the Jamaican. Oh how I have missed him. He has been my friend for so long and we have both helped each other in life. He has immigration issues and all kinds of issues. I seem to really attract men who have nothing. We talked on the phone, he is still living several states away and has not been back to NJ. He talked about he might marry his girlfriend and I just felt  a little bit like sometimes I let go of the men I love without even realizing it. He was defiantly a man that I love. I guess I was not in love with him the way that I want to feel but I did love him and I do love him. I just wish I could keep all the people I love around me all the time. They all fill such a different place in me. 

I have been having anxiety issues lately. I have never really had a problem with anxiety in my life. Depression gets me but anxiety is new. It has been out of the blue I feel it just overwhelm my body and I am powerless against it. I just sit with the heaviness on my chest and try to deep breathe my way through it. I dont know what to do about it or what is causing it. I think about maybe all the things I do and manage in my life are catching up with me but I dont believe that it is that. JF is causing me some stress. I dont know when or if he will be back or if my kids will seem him again. I want my money back and I feel like I am so exhausted sometimes that I just can not make it another day. I dont know what came first the anxiety for the exhaustion and there is this constant worry that maybe I am just not going to be able to do this. And by this I mean raise these kids well. 

FOB does not understand but see my mood change. I feel myself being so miserable and not know why. He is not very good and helping me manage my mood swings but realistic I know myself very well and I am not good at it either. 

I am in this place where I feel like I need these sexual experiences just for a moment of peace in my day so I can keep going on. That is like the definition of addiction. SMH. It just give me something to focus on and enjoy. If I can just get to the dick then I can get through the day. 

I am going to talk to my dr about my new anxiety issues to see what he thinks. I know I need to do some therapy, but that feels like I will be doing a lot of crying and right now I dont have the energy for that. I have to keep so much of my energy just to be a mom and employee how the fuck can I go to therapy and work on deep issues. That just seems impossible right now. 

Crawling

 I had not talked to FOB in a week. Yesterday I was sad about what had happened between us. It was the first time I had a feeling about it. I am not sure why yesterday and not the week before. I text him.  I was expecting a friendly conversation but what I got was a firm reply that he was not interested in chatting with me, he was not interested in being friends with me and that he would be leaving the area soon. This made me overwhelmed with grief. I was sitting in my car in the Taco Bell parking lot and I just began to sob. A deep uncontrollable sadness came over me as the thought of him leaving my life completely sunk in. We were texting as I cried. I did not know what to say. I never really expected that he would move away or not want to be with me. It like never occurred to me that he would really be done with me. Naive and self-centered but undeniable true, I felt like I was untouchable and that I could have what I wanted when I wanted. We talked on the phone. We talked about all the things. And we left it with I would come to see him and we could talk some more. I finally stopped crying enough that I drove home. And when I got home I went to bed and I laid in my bed, with a child on each side of me sleeping and silently cried as I thought about so many things. It was like everything came to me at once and I just could not stop the tears. 

I woke up in the morning, looking like I fell asleep crying. My eyes were swollen and dark. I looked horrible. My oldest said something to me about it. This is why I like to keep things real surface because when I need to cry I feel like I can not. I not only do not have the privacy to allow myself to feel feelings but when I break and cry myself to sleep I look like a domestic violence victim in the morning. Thank god I work from home on Fridays or I would not have been able to go into work looking like I did. I think the swelling was down by 2pm and I could tolerate to look at myself in the mirror again. 

I went to see FOB this evening. I was feeling like it was my obligation to see him and I was not sure what to expect. It was awkward at first and I was cheerful and he was melancholy. We try to figure what has happened between us and what should be. He asks me if I love him... and I do. I love him. However I feel like I dont want to make commitments around that. I feel like I need a 100ft radius around me when it comes to any kind of commitment. I love him but I dont know what that means in my life. What does a loving relationship look like when you do not live together? And I love him but I am not making choices on who I should be with in my life based on love alone. Get serious! I have loved my way through a relationship and what I learned is that sometimes love is just not enough. So does it matter if I love him or not? I want to see him, I want to date him, but I am not ready to commit my life to him, as he seems to be ready to do for me. I keep coming back to the thought that I really love living by myself. I mean, LOVE it. I have a hard time thinking about ever sharing my life with someone in that kind of way again. As I sit here with my daughter in my bed, she is in her undies, playing with her dolls... would this happen if I was sharing a bed/a house/ a life with someone? Someone who is not her Dad, I dont know how I feel about that. Does that mean I dont love him like I think I do? Would love reassure me? There are more questions as the days go by. 

Ask we spoke tonight, he said I am speaking in riddles. I say one thing and then I say the opposite. I hear it as I say it. I say I love him, but with that I want nothing that comes with a loving commitment. I want freedom and autonomy. I want to do whatever I want whenever I want. I met someone yesterday that I had talked to a few times. We just met for an hour to say hello and work out the chemistry factor. I kinda love meeting new people sometimes. .....Ok so I know as I type that I dont really mean that because I know deep down I loathe going through the process of meeting a new person and all the akward newness. But for some reason I dont want to stop meeting new people. I want to experiment with this feeling of power I have. After all these years of crawling I find feel like I found my strength to walk and I need to test that out. Part of me always feels like what if my soulmate is out there and I just did not go to meet him. 

I hear myself rambling. I dont know what I feel, but what I left with him was I want to see him and keep getting to know him. 

JF called today, after me repeatedly asking him to call his children. I feel an innate sense of joy when I hear his voice. He tells the kids he will be home in a few days. I am instantly stressed with this news. When he is not here I dont have to think about any of it, but as he is back in town it all comes back. I miss him still. God dam, I miss him. I love him so much still. And some how this shit with FOB is all intertwined with JF and I can't make head or tails about what the fuck is going on with my feelings. 

At one point tonight, FOB says "What do you want me to do", I say "I want you to do what makes you happy", he leans in and grabs me by the back of my neck and kisses me deeply while his hand moves my bra out of the way and he start sucking on my nipples. Before I know it my pants are down and he is sucking my tits and fingering me and just as I am about to cum, my foot accidentally hit the button to open the back door. SMFH it interrupted everything. We were not deterred and before I knew he was getting out of the car and fucking me from me behind again. This time he was not scared and shy. He was confident and put his hands on my hips and fucked me hard.  

I dont know why sex with someone I love makes me feel so connected but I can also have sex with someone and have absolutely no feelings at all.   We talked a little bit more and he asked me if I wanted to fuck again. I could not, it was getting to late and I was starting to get aggravated from all the fucking feelings talk. I made my exit and proceeded on my way home. Of course I start to think about JF and my kids and how devoted to a committed relationship I was and how it got me no where... I start to cry. It takes everything I have but I swallow hard and push those feelings down. I do not want my kids to see me come home and see that I have been crying. 

It is all too much. Relationships are so hard. I have gotten quite contented with my pseudo relationships that each fill me up a little bit in their own way. 

One track mind

 I just want some dick and as I make way through this few days I have my period the need for dick just gets stronger and stronger. I just want to touch it, suck it, fuck it. It feels like I need a good gang bang with like 15 hard dicks just hanging there for me to play at my will. I am starting to have fantasies where I tell men what to do. It is not a place I have ever really been at before, but the few recent times I have noticed I have power in the last few months, I liked it. I liked having power. 

I was reminded of this amazing album, Hardcore by Lil Kim that other day and have spent my commute listening to this amazing collections of songs where she announces all the things she is going to need to orgasm and calls people out of having trash dick and there is something so very amazing about this shit for me. The one song she talks about how she does not want any dick until he eats her pussy and I start feeling like maybe she is on to something here.  I have never really enjoyed oral (until recently) but now I kinda love it. Specially for these men with the questionable dick size and problems getting their shit together maybe I need to make sure they are licking the pussy first. 

Talking to my friend last night she asked me if I cum from intercourse and I do, a lot sometimes. Apparently and maybe I am naive but I did not know a lot of women do not. I have a different kind of orgasm from the clitoral vibrator massage that sometimes I crave but mostly I just want the kind of throbbing orgasm dick gives me. Maybe this is why I love dick so much and oral has never really been a worry of mine. Frankly the first time I came from oral was a few weeks ago when I squirted in that guys mouth. That shit was fucking amazing. I dont think I will ever forget that. I want to go back and see him but he is also the guy that wants to like touch a lot. And well that kind of touch was kind of a deal breaker for me. 

D called me the other day, I think I wrote about it to ask me for $60. I did not say no but I just pretended like I did not hear him say he needed $60. This son of a fucking bitch called me today to ask me for $85. It pissed me off. First of all I was busy. I did not have time to talk today at work, but I took a minute to call him because that is the kind of respect you get from me just for being around for so long. I say bluntly I dont have any extra money. Silence. He says he thinks I do. Then I took a tone with him. He got pissed immediately but he did not pull his stupid usual guilt trips. I am fed up with him, dont call me for a fucking $85 problem. If you literally dont have $85 to solve your own problem than you need way more help than I can give you. And fucking do me a favor and dont drag me into your shit. We end the call in about two minutes. I get off the phone shaking my head and saying a quick prayer that a man that can actually take care of himself shows up in my life. 

I feel a little more sad about ending things with FOB today. I kind of miss the talking and the sitting in the car kissing and having feelings. The feelings are nice and you can't fake them with just anyone. They are either there or they are not. I do want to have a relationship. FOB and I did not work out but it has not spoiled me on relationships. And I feel like I am a little more clear about what I need. First I need to feel that chemistry that I want but I also need for the next man to be able to take care of himself. I really can not deal with another man who is in transition or perpetual transition in some cases. I dont have the patience and that helplessness makes me feel unattracted to the person. I am certainly not a woman that values people by the size of their bank account but christ I need them to have a bank account. I need them to not have $85 problems - ever!

Work has been so incredibly busy this month that I have had little extra energy and patience for nonsense. I dont even have time to text during the day this month. It should die down in about two weeks but it has really helped me to see what I want to spend my precious down time doing. And it is not dealing with men who can not get their shit together. 

The neighbor and I did talk Monday. I told him I would be home Tuesday and he might come over. He was ambivalent because he worked the night before and was not sure. It was cool, either way. I was just letting him know I was available. How about he deleted his whole snap chat the next day. I see this man is trying to stay faithful to his wife. I dont want to fuck him up. I need to leave that man alone, not matter what he says because he is struggling with his on conscience. I always want people to be happy and succeed and if he wants to be faithful then I am not going to tell him I am home alone again. The struggle comes when he texts me and wants to know when I am available. I can not offer it but dam turning it down is REALLY hard for me. Turning dick down even when I dont want it is HARD for me. It is way harder than it should be. The other night Mike (I am going to give this guy a name because the letters are getting hard) text me to come over and and I want to fuck him again badly but he could not come over til midnight so I had to say no because I could not stay up that long. That was a week ago and I am still thinking about how I missed out on some good dick. 

And the local guy never called me back to see me. He knows I have my period so I am assuming that is why but I feel like he is over me. He used to text me a few times a week, then I dismissed him when I was seeing FOB and maybe he moved on. Or maybe I am just feeling extra lonely because I have my period and no one wants to fuck me. 

If D was a man that could fuck me on my period I would probably be cash appin him his $85.

The end of FOB

I am not sure where I left off things. Fob and I have officially called it quits. He inexplicably sent a bunch of shit of his to my house and I guess I will have to drop that shit off to him to him. I guess I will do that this week. I am not sure how that meeting will go. In my opinion I would like to chat with him a minute and I would not mind fucking him again in the car. I get the feeling that he will not want to do that with me. This is based on his passive -aggressive facebook posts that highlight his readiness to move on. I am sad it did not work out, but I did say "I saw some cracks" in the strong man that I thought I was seeing. I feel like as soon as I saw those red flags my intentions changed and my blinders came off and I started to see things more and more as they were happening and as I recongnized things I did not like I wanted to just end it. I am not sure where this goes from here. It does not feel like it will ever go back to a relationship. 

I have been thinking about JF a lot lately. I pray he comes back to me like the man he was. I have such a fantasy that he will find his way and he will be the man I fell in love with again. I am not optimistic but I do want it. I want him back, the way he was. ugh. Im not sure why it has taken me so long to let it go. I know I look at his kids and I know they want him and I was so attracted to him when he was a good father. There was nothing more hot than a man taking care of his kids and doing it well. We are so different then one another anymore. It is all so sad still. We broke up a year and half ago and I am just as sad about it as I was then. I feel like our family fell apart. 

I asked the local guy to give me some dick yesterday. He politely asked me for a raincheck that he was on his way out the door. It made me feel like I have been taking him for granted. He is always there for me when I want him so I am feeling a little conflicted about that. 

I have my period this week so my options are kinda of limited. I am not really feeling it anyway. I have so much work to do this week that it feels out of reach anyway. I can't imagine that I will go out of my way for entertainment this week. We shall see how the week progresses.

Splash Zone

 D actually did come come over yesterday. Work has been super busy but I took a half day. I would not say that I was excited to see him. I was sort of indifferent. I did not feel the normal butterflies and excitement that I usually do when I see him. It felt just like every other man I fuck. He first makes me take all my clothes off, or he says you better get the clothes off or I will rip them off. I know he means that because he did rip off my favorite dress last year. I am still mad about that. 

It is the perfect time for me to have sex because where I am at on my cycle lets me take the big dick better.  As soon as he put it in the tears roll down my the side of my face, it does not hurt but the intensity always makes my eyes tear up. Things started of quickly with him trying to make me squirt right away. He takes his giant rock hard dick and rubs it vigorously on my pussy until I start to squirt. He then starts fucking me hard as I am squirting and as he pounds my flesh all the wetness from the squirts is spraying on us. It is like something out of a porn movie. We do this for several minutes. The bed is saturated we are covered in overspray and things are just going really well. 

I desperately want this on video but he said no. I feel like if it was on video he would have been rougher with me and I would not like that. We fuck awhile and take a break. I think he is asleep and I get up to work, he asks me where I went as soon as I get out of the bed. My normal move is to revel in the touch of his body and I lay next to him with his arm around me. I get intoxicated by his smell and by his touch but today I really could care less if he touched me. I kept working, he went to get something to eat. He comes back and I was cleaning up the the house. He has to take a call at 1230 so he took a walk to do that. I happily went about my day. He comes back to my room and was looking for the remote my nightstand table and picks up a condom and asks me "what the hell is this for"...I just pretend he said nothing and told him I did not know where the remote was. He put it down and kept it moving. I felt like saying "you should be glad I am using condoms. 

We fuck some more and I can not say enough how he hits all the right spots. I do think if I saw him more I could be happy with just fucking him. It is the rest of him that is leaving something to be desired. I am defiantly not feeling into him like I once was. He has really just become another dick for me to use. 

When we were done we were in the kitchen talking and I was not even feeling that but as he went to leave for the FIRST time ever he came over to me and gave me a hug. Almost 20 years and he has never initiated a hug until yesterday. Maybe he is getting more interested the more I am cold with him. I am not sure, it was weird for sure. 

FOB. Oh my what a roller coaster this has been. He says that I am distancing myself from him and I am. I just dont feel close to him anymore. He showed me a little bit about his character and it was very unattractive to me. I have been engaging with him a little bit, just enough to see how I feel. The best I can tell I feel nothing at all. He told me "I miss you, I need to have sex". Those two things should not be in the same sentence for someone I am dating. I mean if the neighbor guy said that I would not think anything of it, but someone I am dating. It just felt like I was reduced just a fuck toy to him. And in my world that is not horrible but we are not having a relationship if you miss me because you want to have sex. Of course he back tracks and says of course he misses me but also wants to have sex. Ugh whatever. 

I made a joke about maybe he has gotten used to having sex to often and maybe we should cut it back and he was totally offended and acted like I was making fun of him. I told him he was "too emotionally fragile for me" and I have not talked with him since. 

I am really done with it I think. I dont even think I will see him for sex anymore. It just seems like more trouble than it is worth. 

I spent a lot of quality time with my children the last two days. I feel like with him in my life I was thinking about him more and my kids less. Not that I was at all neglecting them but still my number 1 priority needs to be them and it is easy to talk on the phone to him instead of talking with children. 

I might have quelled the need for a relationship for awhile with this FOB experience. 

Trucking

 The guy from January, I met in a parking lot and fucked in his truck (his big truck driver truck) has resurfaced in the last 2 months. The first month I ignored his texts altogether and this last month I engaged with him a little bit. He was in my town again and he asked me to meet him again and I did not really feel like fucking but that is what I need to do. It is like drinking before you get thirsty. 

I make dinner and settle all the kids and head out. I have to go to the food store so I just make this all one trip. I have this playlist on my phone called "hype songs". These are my songs I play when I am going to fuck. I sometimes need a little hype and I was really tired. They include favorites like "WAP","Short Dick Man", "You dont Own Me", and various 50 cents tracks as well several other songs that make me want to fuck. I threw on this play list drove to meet him. 

I meet him in this parking lot where other truckers park. It is horrible. The last time I met him it was dark, so the walk of shame was tolerable, but today it was 6pm and it was bright out. There is a McDonalds right in the next lot over with lots of people. He tells me where to park. This getting out of the car part is almost so bad that I consider leaving. I feel like everyone is looking at me and maybe in reality no one gives a shit.  But if I was in the McDonalds parking lot and saw a mom in a mini van jumping up into a big rig I would be intrigued. I do it though. I get out and get in his truck just as quickly as I can. Which btw is not easy. Those big trucks are hard to get into. 

I instantly remember he friendliness and how he likes to talk about how beautiful and white I am. He makes me laugh. He gets naked, I take of my panties. I suck his dick for a minute but not well as he had said it has "been months" since he fucked and he was going to try not to cum too quick. I could not take a chance of sucking his dick well and messing up my night. He tells me to lay back and "show him my pussy" he is so funny how he is in his own head having this conversation about how much he loves it. 

Before I came we have talked extensively about condoms. I made sure he had them before I got in the truck. He dick was way better than last time. Idk what the hell  happened last time but this time his dick was good. I was happy to see it was bigger than I remembered. He got between my legs and was sucking on my tits with his dick coming dangerously close. I warn him "you will never see me again if I have to tell you to put the condom on again". I felt like I was scolding a child, but I did not hate it. He was much better behaved this time and put the condom on. The dick was good. Good size, good fucking skills, he made me cum and was interested in making me cum so that is defiantly a bonus. He did have to stop a minute to keep from cumming and get back to it. He came faster than I would have liked but all in all I was pleasantly surprised. He said he will be back next week again. I told him I want it from the back. 

I get out of the truck and into my car and out of there just as fast as I can. I head to the food store where all I can think about is that I had a dick in my mouth not more then 10 minutes ago, like I still had the feeling that I wanted to wash the dick of my face. I shop, I come back home, I seamlessly slip back into mom mode. 

It is the best kind of sex. This relationship seems like it might be more trouble then it is worth. Why would I want to love someone when getting fucked in the back of the truck, for the most part, meets my needs with very little drama and very little of my time. Not for nothing he also recently pissed me off and since then I feel very indifferent to continuing with him. I really felt close to him but now I just feel like I have my guard up and my mind is wandering again onto other people and other things. He knows that I am pissed and I feel bad for how I feel but I sincerely think he fucked up so bad that there might not be a way to repair it. I know everyone wants to know what he did, but it is nothing earth shattering and for some reason I want to keep that private. It feels like sharing that is disrespectful to him and the relationship somehow. It is an odd feeling of privacy on the matter. There is not much that I dont share but there are a few things here and there. 

Just be a cuckhold

 I was missing FOB, so I went to see him for a little bit. It is hard when you want to be with someone and logistically it can no happen. I did not feel my best the last few days. I was still recovering from a head cold and the hormones are changing making me feel just a little sharp. By the time I got to him and screamed at some people from the car I was aggressive. I should have taken something before I left but I really thought the drive would calm me down, but I was very wrong. He kept asking me if I was ok? and said a few times "I have never seen you like this". In the midst of aggression I just stopped and asked him to hug me, which he did, and which eased the intensity. There was no real logical reason for my agitation I really just think it was all hormonal. This is why I welcome menopause with open arms because the reality is the am very sensitive to these hormone changes and I am really ready to get off the roller coaster. Men have no idea how this life producing hormones that pump through our veins cause us constant emotional turmoil. 

FOB and I talk a lot about sex and this open relationship. I tell him, really, I would prefer if he would not ever have sex with another person but if he wants to "try" that as he says then I would prefer that I be there for that, in a foursome, in a fucking threesome (which I have no desire to do), but just as I would not allow a stranger to hang out in my house without me, I am not allowing a stranger to try out my man without some supervision. lol. Am I right, I just want to see what is happening and interrupt any vibes about getting closer. All this is really to say I dont want to share him but I will if I have to. I also think he thinks about sex inherently different then I do. I can have sex with him and feel all the feelings but I can also have sex with other people and feel nothing at all but the pleasure radiating from my pussy. I dont think he can do that. He does not seem like he has it in his personality to do that, I dont know, maybe all men do? He thinks hard about things. 

I recently floated the idea of a foursome with JW and another girl and he had to think about it. I told him the kind of sex JW and like to have, the slapping, the feeling overpowered at times...I did not even tell him about the spitting. But he thought about it for a few days and decided he can not do that because even if I asked JW to just fuck me without all the slapping it is how we are used to having sex so that might just happen. And he did not want to see that. He said would I be ok with someone hitting my kids, of course not, but these are different things I dont think he can separate. My children I love with a different kind of love and I do everything in my power to spare them pain, but similarly what brings them happiness is not always what I expect and what they need I give them that.  I need to be slapped around a bit and occasionally I need to feel like I am being raped and I need to feel overpowered and used. I guess he is ok with that as long as he does not have to see it. He did keep saying "how would that make me look if I let someone else hit you". This seem to touch on some deep cultural thing that I dont understand. 

I try to explain to him this is part of the reason I need outside sex. I can't get the abuse I am looking for from someone that loves me. The two are incompatible. I can fulfill my rape fantasy if you are going to lay and bed and cuddle with me after. I just tell him I just dont want him to fuck other women, he says it is not fair. He does not have a desire to fuck other women but it is not fair that I am and he is not. I did not say this because the bitch in me would have sounded to harsh yesterday but I dont care that it is not fair. I need this to live happily. I NEED this to live happily. I am not just bored and like oh I need some excitement. I need this like I need food and I am sorry but he does not have that need so I dont need to make exceptions for him. He needs other things I am sure, those things he can have but he does not need to have random sex with strangers. I am getting pretty firm on that. And frankly, I offered the 4some and in the spirit of trying new things, like he says he wants all the time, he should have wanted to try, but it was too much for him.  Does he think I am going to curate and list of women for him to fuck with no strings attached. This is a full time job as well a little bit like finding a needle in a haystack because women like me are not advertising so much and they may say they dont want something more but they often do. And he is not going to be shopping women himself, I dont think that will work out well for me. 

Over all I am frustrated with the entire topic. He only wanted to fuck one woman at a time before I met him, he should stick with that. 

We did have sex of course. In the church parking lot, as we were talking I saw his dick standing at attention through his pants, he asked me to suck it and I reluctantly do.  I say can we fuck real quick and he was extra nervous. I could care less really. The area was desolate and there was some light but not one is going to be looking that hard. I bent over on the seat again and he thrusts like 2x and then he said there was someone there. There was not. I give up. Frankly I was not in the mood and was like lets go. So we drive around and he takes me to a dark parking lot. I think we are just going to talk but he tells me to get out and we finish fucking. There is something I love about being outside and him lifting my dress up and fucking me. As I stand up, I feel all the cum dripping out of the my body. It is both disgusting and satisfying to me. 

I think that I am already committed in this relationship but it scares me that some of this sex shit is not figured out. I just wish he would get on board and do what I want him to and let go of the this idea that he needs to fuck other women. It would make my life easier. 

Late Night

 I was exhausted all day but I know I wanted some dick...maybe dick B from the weekend or the local guy, but it was M - I met like 2 weeks ago and did not text me for days afterward. He was comimg at 12:20 so I did a little pregaming by myself to give me a few of the those clitoral orgasms. I was content when he got here but really looking forward to the big dick he was going to give me. We talked to a minute. I like him. He is like a real grown up I can talk to about things. We start talking and I have to cut the conversation short in order to make things move along. My mouth was on his dick in a moment and I think he likes the way I suck his dick. I enjoyed sucking it. He tells me to get on the bed and show me the pussy and I bed over and wait for him to strap that dick up with a condom and then he gets inside of me. His dick get thicker and thicker as you move front to back. So the tip feels like a regular dick but then you start feeling the stretch and before you know it you feel this dick as completely plugged your pussy and it feels amazing. He takes it out again and put its back in and I get to feel the details of each curve and each stretch of my cunt. 

He style is slow and calm. He is purposeful in movements and he helps me achieve orgasm just but sliding the dick inside. 

He cums, we breifly talk, he leaves. I sleep.

Perfect encounter.