Just a Picture

 15 years she has known who her father was and she has never inquired about him in anyway. Her Dad (my first ex husband) has been her rock and loved her unconditionally and without fail. But tonight in the peaceful silence of a rainy Friday night she matter of factly ask me if I could send her a pic of D. It was like I was coming out of a dream and I look at here and say "what"? She giggles and repeats herself. I play it cool and show no emotion because dealing with teenagers it is better to remain as unphased as possible. Inside I am exuberant and my heart is fluttering with this feeling of the circle completing. I really did fight to raise her exactly the way I wanted. I wanted her to always know who her biological father is and I wanted her to know that my ex was her Dad and that every choice we made in this matter was done in love and with the utmost concern for her welling being. Tonight it felt that I have accomplished what I was hoping for, and while it may only be her desire to see his face again it felt like so much more to me. It signifies that I did what I knew was right and all the sacrifice and arguing and all the carefully planned conversation and exposure to him was not in vain. It has all mattered. 

As I go through my phone and send her a recent pic of her and D together, which I would love to share here but for obvious reasons I won't. I sit and look at his face. I zoom on his face, his beautiful face and I look at his strong hands. I feel so in love with him in this moment. He is not everything I have been dreaming of...he is not a perfect man. He is hot and cold with his love and he is his own way in this world but I can not help but to feel nothing but love when I look at him. I am not a perfect woman and where ever our relationship ends up it will not be perfect but I know my heart aches to be with him and it has felt that ache for 20 years. 

In that department, things are as they were. The plans are still in place for him to move with me as soon as he gets things settled. He has some work todo in that department. I am not in a hurry. I am peacefully content with the articulation of desire to be with me even without any moves in that direction yet. I know he means what he says and he does not play lip service for any reason. I like that about him. 

I still try to imagine him in my house, in my bedroom. Everytime I get undressed at the end of the night I think about if I would undress in the closet or bathroom or would I be comfortable taking my clothes off while he lies there and watches me.Would I want to brush my teeth in front of him? What does he like to eat? Is he going to eat what I cook? How will sex happen in a living in situation? How will he touch me when I have my period? My kids and I sing a lot in the house. Right now it is the Golden Girls Theme song, Mr. Sandman by the Cordettes and Ice Ice Baby. It is fun. Someone starts us off and then we sing loudly and poorly and we all have fun. I feel like he will see me in a way that he has not seen me before. He will see me as a mother, and someone other than his lover and see the other areas of my life. 

I am not in a hurry. I want to be with him and I want him to be in my home but I know that we have somethings to sort out and I am for the first time ever in my life no rushing to get the gratification but rather taking peaceful, measured, and gentle steps toward the gratification. 

I am not even sure if I have wrote about my time with the neighbor last week. It was lovely. His dick like bounced our of his shorts and I was stunned all over again about its size. It is a beautiful cock. I can't say a bad thing about it. Our sex is good. There is not heat between us, there never is. It is just two people playing with each others bodies. He did cum in my mouth, it was not as bad as I expected. While I was in the bathroom rinsing my mouth out, he slide behind me naked and like brushed up against me. It felt like a little to close for comfort for me. Is he so comfortable now that it is ok to brush up against me like that. It threw me off a little bit. 

And I did have sex with Mike. He is the easy no touch fuck I like. That was last thursday and I have not really even thought about sex. It has just not been in my mind. I feel like the manic fuck train has been derailed. I feel like I am in a different mental space. I certainly still like sex but I dont have the manic craving that makes me make bad choices for myself guiding my life. I feel more in control, right now, I am so aware that these moods with ebb and flow and it will take nothing for me to get into that place of crazy desire and frantic need for dick. 

I have quite enjoyed a little bit a freedom. I am just resting and taking care of my self. It has been healing and really peaceful. 

I was holding the phone for my little one while she talked to her Dad on the phone. I look at him, shirtless, laying in bed, looking very African. I saw him in such a different light tonight. He just did not feel like my equal anymore. It feel like our differences were so magnified in this conversation. He just seemed to me like a foreigner which is something I never saw him as. Tonight his language was not familiar to me, his face even was not as I remembered it. I felt like it was a mindfuck that I had two children with his stranger on this phone. He and I created people that blended our DNA and it can never be undone. We are forever bonded in this way and yet I feel like we are worlds apart. I dont even remember the connection so much anymore. In spite of all those feelings there was some pangs of love that invade through my chest. I feel it in my body that I love him and I feel it in my head that I do not want him. 

I really dont have any plans to have sex right now. I dont know what the week will bring. I dont feel like going out of my way to find anything and there is just no desire. I am curious to see what November brings me in the way of hormones and mania. 

The Way We Were

 The playtime pause has not been hard for me. I have not missed the going out, I have not missed meeting people, I have not missed the mindless texting just to get some dick. None of it. I really don't miss talking about sex with people agreeing on what the boundaries or rules of the encounter were and other nonsense. Frankly I have enjoyed the free time and the uncomplicated life. It just feels easier but there is one little issue. My body physically needs some relief. I am so tense and full of negative energy that I know is relieved with orgasm. I have used this metaphor before but it is like the clicking of the roller coaster and as it climbs to the peak the tension gets stronger and stronger. I just want the physical release. 

This reassures me. I worry about there being something about meeting these people that I might miss, that I might get some weird satisfaction from the activity involved with getting dick. But no! I really am steadfast that I dont really even like these men. Some are nice enough but I got too much todo in my regular life to give a flying rats ass about some guy with a big dick but my body needs that dick. It just clears my head. I have tried to get that head clearing with the edibles but its different. 

Sometimes I think about the physicality of sex. I dont even like the foreplay I just like the intercourse that makes me feel so fucking good. And there are of course times I dont want sex but my body just pushes me to keep doing it. 

So to that end I think I am going to fuck the neighbor on Monday. I mean that is the plan. I dont feel guilty about it and I dont feel like it is a failure. This is a calculated risk with risk vs benefit analysis completed in my my mind long before I made the call to him. I am willing to give myself to D and be loyal to him as long as he can meet my needs. Right now he can't, and so I will take care of it myself. When is able he will take care of me and I will enjoy my freedom from the monkey on back that is this unending need for sex. 

I have been thinking a lot about JF lately. I so badly want him to be the man in my life and for us to raise these children together. I dont know what magic would need to happen to make him the man he used to be and for me to be in the same place but I just want our magical relationship back. We would spend so much time together and just enjoy each others company. I looked to him for emotional support and he would hold me up. We would pray together we would talk about lots of spiritual things, he brought me into his spiritual world and we found peace there. He called the kids the other day. I did not speak with him, I just put the kids on the phone. I dont think he wants to talk to me and he certainly does not make me feel like he shares the same desires as I do. I gave a lot of thought about this topic. Between JF and D which way do I throw my intentions and my energy. I love them both so much. But I know what JF's baseline is, or what it has been for the last few years and it is not something I can tolerate. His behavior in the last year as been unforgivable I think. I dont think you can come back from that. D has yet to show me where we would land in a more present relationship. Will he meet my emotional needs, I think he would based on our interactions in the last 20 years but it is a gamble. 

This is so random but the other day I went to a drum circle (a native american thing) and the leader told this story about a woman whose husband went to war and when she heard that he was coming back she made all of his favorite foods but when he came back he would not come in the house and be with her and he would not eat the food. She went to the shaman and he told her he was going to make a potion to help her with her husband. She would need to get a eyelash of a tiger to complete the potion. The woman went on a trek to collect the eyelash of a tiger. She climbed the mountain, her  hands bleeding from gripping the side of the mountain, to find the tiger. She searched for a tiger walking through thorns and tearing her dress and cutting her body, but she did not retreat. She spent many days searching for a tiger until she found one. And then for many days she offered the tiger food and little by little she got closer and closer to the tiger until she was brave enough to get close enough to the tiger and she spoke to him and asked him for an eyelash. The tiger gave her the eyelash and she went back to the shaman. Her body was bloody and bruised she was tired and weary but she happily went to the shaman to show him how she persevered and got the eyelash. The shaman looks at that eyelash and throws it in the fire. He tells the woman that all the effort and suffering that she went through to get the eyelash - that if she put that effort and suffering into her relationship with her husband that she would succed in regaining the relationship with her husband again.  

This story haunts me. I really did not do it justice as the storyteller was very good and illustrating the ideas. What if I did not put the effort or suffering into the relationship that I valued? What is the level of maximum effort that I should expel? Sometimes I think about it and I think I did not do all that I could. I know JF well enough to know that he is tried but did I put into consideration the demons that he was dealing with? I am not sure if I treated him with unconditional love. I am dont know if I "held him down" while he was and is clearly going through something. I remember telling him so clearly that " I can not live like this, that I was unhappy and something has to change" so many times. He would try, he would but it is like he just gave up. I just dont know if I did everything I could. A year and half ago I would say that I did but in this new state of self reflection and still missing him I wonder if I could have put him first for just a little bit longer. 

My head tells me that I did all I could but my heart is pulling at my mind and trying to convince me otherwise. It is such a mind fuck. 

With my first marriage I knew it was time and I never once looked back. I never thought that I had not done enough, I was happy to be out of the relationship. And I was happy when things ended with JF at first but christ it is hard to shake this desire just to have things back the way they were. 

Playtime Pause

 In this last few weeks I have really drawn on my role as a mother to help me satisfy my extra time and my  need to feel wanted. It is a different kind of desire sure but these children need so much of me and are still so young that they want to be with me every moment of every day, at least 2 out of 3 do. So I feel better about my mothering and I dont have that perpetual guilt that I feel every single time I walk out the door to get dick. And I dont have to drive home and worry if they needed me and I was not there for them. I dont miss that part at all. That guilt as a mother that I just may have brought children into this world and I was not there for a moment they needed me weighs me down. Sure I am away from them sometimes while they are at school or a visit to my Moms of my exes but those arYe worthy and feel justifiable. I always think about if something happened to them while I was out fucking how would I ever forgive myself. The head games is deep. You think about all these guilts and fears that would haunt my mind the urge was still large enough to go do what I do. 

I get different responses from men as I break the news that I am going to "just pause" on playing for a minute. Some men are supportive. They tell me that they wish me luck and we leave it that. Then there are the ones that only see what they want out of it all, the one more time, the I am not fun anymore, the  you won't make it, he is using you, this is not going to work slips from their tongues. I think what makes some of them mad is that I would not give up all the other dick for them. And also what makes me mad is that they play on my mind and my weaknesses to try to get me to comply. And what would it all mean for them? It would be a quick fuck but for me it would be willing messing up something I am excited to try at and yet they continue. The stakes are high for me. There is something so aggravating about the callousness to not even acknowledge a human being trying to achieve something on a personal level. 

I think about my dealing with the neighbor. I think he saw me as that aggressor, that I did not care about his choice to make his marriage work. It was not that, it was he was giving me too many mixed signals. So I inadvertly may have become the one who tried to foil his plan. 

JF refuses to speak to me about money at this point. He just ignores me unless I am talking about the kids. Money has been tight and I have been carrying everything for a year and it has been making things difficult. I dont know if he even sees that. I think he is only thinking of his own survival and can't not think of his children well being. I am still want him to suffer. This unfamiliar feeling of wanting this man I love to suffer is sad to me. It is sad this is where it has got to. I have this fantasy of him coming back and me walking up to him and giving him a hug and him hugging me back. And we just have this emotional closure I am looking for with him. I just need to hug him. I dont know if I want to see if my body still reacts to him, which I know I still look at him and find him attractive , but does he like give m butterflies and make me smile. I think that ship sailed but I want to know for sure. 

Work has been difficult for me the last few weeks. There are always things that need to be done that require too much of my effort. I have been feeling really bitchy with people and lost a little bit of my people skills. For example I can totally see myself calling someone stupid on the phone soon. I have to keep that part of myself done all day. 

I think that lack of sex is partly to blame. I though about masturbating today but I lost interest. I need some kind of satisfaction soon. D better bring it soon. I am not sure how long the urges will be able to be  qwelled. 

I guess I am really doing this

 D called me today. He asked me why I have not called him. I have been feeling the desire to call him but I still feel lots of butterflies when I call him and I don't know what to talk about sometimes and I get nervous. He asked me if I have my period, which I do, and I use that as the reason I have not called him. 

We talk a little bit about my having sex with other people. And he says to me again in a very matter of fact way "you have always been like that, you just want whatever it is you want". I smile with just a little bit of shame because I know it is true. Although I still feel like isn't this what everyone wants? 

We talk about how he did not give me clear commitment and without a clear long term commitment then I have no reason not to give into my urges. With commitment I can be ok. Without commitment and without regular physical contact I am lost in the urges, there is no anchor and I flow with them, where ever they take me. 

We reaffirm our intentions of him coming to live with me and I reaffirm with him that I will not have sex with other people. That is my intention. I don't know if I will make it. I don't know if I have the self control that I am hoping I do. I did have it with JF for years but he was meeting my needs. When D moves in I will not have the physical urges and it should be easier. It is this in between time that I worry about. 

Sustainability

 My life has been really dull these last week or so. I have not had a desire for the dick and frankly I was having trouble even imagining what sex would feel like and what happens with me that I allow all types of men to touch my body, to enter my body. I invite in to my room, I give them time, I tolerate them just for their dicks. It is so foreign  to me have no desire for that after it has been so pervasive for so long. 

Self and physical care have been a priority to me. I struggle with fatigue and I have been really taken this time to do things that are good for me. Resting, exercising, drinking water, taking vitamins. My life really lacks interest.  It really feels like I need a passion in life if I dont have sex. You know something that excites me other than sex. I dont know what it could be. Writing and sex have been the only two things that really ever held my interest. I think about writing more. There is a certain mood I get in when I like they way I write. It this really clear place where thoughts flow and words come to me easily. Sometimes I think about trying to do some freelance writing and see where that leads me. But when I try to write about anything that does not feel passionate to me I struggle. So where does that leave me? Passionless. This I know is not a new theme for me. I am desperate to throw my energy into something other than sex. I think about if D and I are together and sex becomes something I no longer need to invest time in what would I do with my time? My energy saved would allow me to explore something completely different. 

JF has not spoke to his children in weeks. I dont think more than 1x in the month of September. I am starting to get less upset about him and allowing the chips fall where they may. I want so badly for those children to have their Dad but that man will have to live with his choices and explain to his children where he has been and why he could not be there for them. They are talking a lot about him again. They miss him terribly. I hope one day he will feel the pain he has caused them and me. I want him to hurt the way we have hurt. It is the first time I have felt that kind of ill will toward him but it is strong. 

I woke up this morning feeling angry. Why the hell am I waking up angry? I literally thought to myself that maybe it is the lack of sex and building of tension. My mind may not want it but my body still has needs. I think that lack of stress relief has begun to take its toll on me. I took a damm edible at 9am today to take the edge off while I spent the day at an amusement park with the kids. 

So tonight as I sit in the living room with the kids, I decide to get pizza for dinner. I choose a local place where a man with a thick Italian accent answers the phone. I go to pick up the pizza and I am hit with there is only white people around here. It is the next town over and it is just all white people. White people make me uncomfortable, particularly these Trump supporting areas white people. My children were not with me and for a moment I thought "ok well they think I am just like them" because I did not have my children with me. It was just really uncomfortable. But as I stood there waiting for my order I looked around. There were 7 Italian men there working. The youngest was probably in his 20's and there were some older men there maybe late 50s early 60s. They were speaking Italian and well that is my weak spot, and immigrant with and accent and speaking in their native language. It was like it stirred my body and as I stood there I have flashes of these men with rock hard dicks with veins popping out and they fuck me in the back with olympic style fucking. I never fantasize about anything else really, just really the intercourse. He called my name and I left finally feeling a sexual desire pumping through my veins. And of course I start thinking about who I can call and then I realize I have my period and that limits things quite a bit. But it was good to have a sexual feeling back. 

On the way home I was thinking about fucking FOB. He was a good fuck. I keep flashing back to the moment he got on his knees and spread my legs to eat my pussy. It was something about him getting on his knees in front of me when this is usually the position I am in, it is an image that is burned into my mind. Frankly having sex with him feels like it would be more trouble than it would be worth. He will have feelings and all of that and I dont have the time for that. 

I did see a news story in NJ recently that has made me think twice about my behavior. A young black man was sentenced for killing three women he lured him with the promise of sex. I imagine serial killlers as white men and part of that was me feeling safe with black men. Not completely safe, but safer than I feel with white men. That news story was a reminder that anything can happen. I think that I lost sight of that for awhile. I think I am going to be able to operate is a little bit more controlled way than I have. Or I least I hope so. The last year of my life is unsustainable. 

Time on My Hands

 I have been in a weird place these last few days. I have had no interest in sex at all. I have been letting myself fall wholly into domestic boredom. I have not been really answering texts and I have been allowing myself to feel all the feelings that come with not fucking anyone. This is not really in preparation for D or even out of respect for D but my conversation with D last week opened my eyes that maybe there is another way. D talked about how I do not put faith into him. He identified a lot of examples of this but most poignant perhaps was how I never put the faith and effort into my relationship with him because I was not willing to sacrifice during those times when he could not physically be with me and I would not put my energies into seeing him. He was not wrong but these were deep thoughts for D. He has had me thinking that he does not think about things this deeply. 

Overall I have noticed that I have had a lot of extra time. A lot. Tonight I felt myself walking around in circles looking for something to do. My work was done, my house was clean, I had already taken a walk. I was lost. In these moments I really had a craving to see the local guy. I did not want the dick I just wanted the entertainment and an orgasm could not have hurt anything. I had the time and energy but I ended up taking a drive just to get some alone time. 

I think in this last year and half or so I have really but too much effort into team building and did not recognize when the bench was full. I know a lot of men with lots of great skills and I really dont think the holy grail is out there and if it is I am doubtful that it will be on a dating site. 

So today I am content and nothing to do with D, like I said, that may or may not work out but it has opened my eyes just a little bit and I am grateful for that. 

FOB finally stopped asking me to ship packages to my house after I told him to get a post office box. His response was he changed the address to where he is living and "whatever happens, happens", um like some how that is my problem. He really is a man that lacks the dominance I find so attractive. More than dominance he seems to have this way of trying to manipulate me which is so inept that it is laughable. I enjoy the time I have when he does not text me. I am glad that is over. 

I am not planning to restricting myself, as the spirit moves me I will be accepting dick but I am making an effort to put less effort into it and really focus on dick when I need it. Or at least I will try to...