Giving Thanks

 Things are low key around my life. Very low key. I work, I parent, I watch TikToks that is about it. It occurred to me maybe I am depressed? I started to evaluate my thoughts and I thought my thoughts are not slated sad but really just even. I have not had the downs of sadness and loneliness but no excitement and thrill either. That moment of excited anticipation right before  a new lover enters your body or even touches you. I dont miss it but it concerns me that nothing is taking its place. Like where in my life am I going to find the thrill in life in general. What is going to give me the excitement and remind me about intensity and lust and all of that. It just seems like I have to have something.

I learned a few things from TikTok. The people on TikTok are disturbingly obsessed with their pussy. Holy shit I have never heard so much pussy pride and talk and songs and dancing. Good Lord. It frankly leaves me disturbed that people put that on the internet. And I am aware that I am someone who has porn home movies on the internet, but I dont represent that as anything but porn. It is what it is. You know when you log onto that website what you will see. But these pussy loving TikToks are so vulgar but mixed in right with comedy and cleaning hacks. Its off putting to me. And the children in the background listening and watching their parents sing "bring that dick here" and poppin their pussy to the sound of the beat. Oh good lord the children. 

I come to this kind of thing very slow to judge. I know that lots of traditional African dances are very body centric and ass-shakin and includes very sexual moves incorporated into the heart of the dance. I have watched a lot of these dances, via you tube, JF would always share his culture with me. There was this one dance where young girls, 13-16 would dance topless in a formal ceremony. This is not an old non practiced custom but a current one. It was not sexualized at all but it left me kind of speechless. In this country that would be child porngraphy but there it was the custom and no one gives a second thought. Is that the better way? I dont know. I am not sure one has to be better or worse  but just different. 

And some of the dances we do today defiantly get their starts from traditional dancing. So maybe this is just a cultural thing that I am not getting. I think it is some kind of pornagraphy cultural blend that leaves me questioning everything about socially  accepted dance moves and what I am ok with my kids seeing. It is just a lot for me. I am not sure that these women give any thought of how they are breaking their being down to being just pussy.  And there is another one where a women is sleeping and sees her man called and she missed the call and she is FaceTiming him and he is putting on gloves and a mask and she realizes he is about to come kill her or hurt her and she get more intense saying  "babe I did not hear my phone" then realizes he is coming for her and she starts screaming "lock the door, lock the door". WTF is this. Is this suppose to be funny? In what world are we living the people are mocking serious domestic violence. I just dont get it. 

This is why I try to pull myself out of this kinds of social media. More often then not I am disgusted with humanity. 

So I have been thinking about FOB so much. I have been processing what happened and how I feel about it. I do miss him, I did have some feelings for him but I knew as things kept progressing and getting more serious something was not feeling right. I could not put my finger on it then but I knew I needed to pump the brakes. I had zero faith that he would "make it" in the world and I could not have another JF in my life that needed taking care of. He said he was moving to Maryland, I wish him well. And I still miss him a little bit. 

In Thanksgiving blog tradition I need to take stock of the things that I am grateful for. Here are the top five, in no particular order

1. I am grateful beyond words that the slow moving gang bang is over! It was such a long time of new men and scary situations with little in the way of reward. I dont know why I had to do it but I was compelled to do so. I have no insight into why my mind and body needed that kind of treatment but Im done now and I thank god for it I made it out the other side healthy and intact. 

2. I am grateful for my relationship with D, for exactly what it is right now. It is low key and not intense and leaves me space to be me and lean on him some. It is has been exactly what I have needed to have someone but to still be in the space I can focus on me. 

Side Note - I told my Mom that I was with D again. She said she assumed so. She said my daughter told her a man had kissed me and spent the night and she assumed D, but that was FOB. I did not correct her. She seemed accepting but like she resigned herself to accept because there was no other choice. I did not feel any excitement from her or positive emotions. 

3. I am grateful for the help in my life. My parents, my friends, my ex husband. There are some really amazing people in my life that accept me for exactly how I am and help me when I need help. 

4. I am grateful for my life. I have managed to live and thrive in my one income household. I sacrifice so my kids can go to private school but we have a nice home in a nice neighborhood, money to get whatever we need and almost everything we want. 

5. And finally I am grateful for my ability to forgive and move on. I look at friends who get stuck in the harms of their old relationships that have suffered for years living a shadow of a life while the ruminate on how they were wronged. I do not have this problem. I forgive. I have forgiven D for the times he was not all the man I needed or wanted him to be. I have forgiven JF for his nonsense. I hold no negative emotions for my ex-husband. I have forgiven my parents for so many things. Forgiveness is a skill that I have learned. I see the personal growth on that one for sure. 20 years ago the anger would feaster and eat away at me but now I can let it go and keep focused on the good. 

Tomorrow I will be with family for the holiday. I told my sister there is no way I am coming unless I am high and I will bring and edible to keep the momentum going. I love my family but these long holiday events are a test for me. And I generally hate holidays so a little herbal lift will defiantly help. I am actually looking forward to it. 

Happy Thanksgiving!

Sick Day

 I laid awake in my bed trying to talk myself into cleaning my house before D came to visit. It was stressing me. My house is rarely dirty but it is frequently cluttered with all the nonsense of children. Sleep won out and I got up this morning resolved to the fact that he would see my house in this state of unrest because there  would be no time to pick up before he arrived. I woke up and took the kids to school in my pajamas. I got home sent an email to work letting them know I would be out sick today and set my email to vacation mode, I hopped in the shower and as soon as I stepped out he was there. I hear him putting in the code and the door opening. As I quickly throw on a long tight black tank top that just covers my ass and there he is. As I knew he would say something he first words were " what the hell happened in here" referring to the disarray my bedroom was in. I just shook my head and quickly put away the cheese curls and my blankie from my child in my night stand drawer. He has seen my blankie before but he thinks it is ridiculous and I would just like to save the chatter about it... same with the cheese curls. The were not even mine but he would have commentary. He also asked me why I have the curtains open, that everyone can see me walking around half naked. This makes me laugh. All the people that have seen me naked... does it matter. But it was kinda cute that he has this modesty. 

He starts to undress and I clear the bed of all the unnecessary blankets and such.I suck his dick which feels like a long time. I have no sense of time as his clothes are on my dresser blocking my clock and it just seemed like and eternity of dick sucking until he climbed on top of me keeping his dick in my mouth and sucked my clit. This is 9am in the morning and the fucking continues until 12 when I am so utterly wiped out I finally wave the white flag and declare I need food before I can go on. I go to get us food and we lay in bed him naked me in my tank top eating and chatting. I think the second I swallowed my last bite he had my mouth on his dick. I begged him to give me a minute to rest a second but he guided my mouth to his dick. We only fuck for another hour and then we sleep. I fall asleep quickly and he always does. He wakes me up five minutes before my alarm to pick up the kids goes off to fuck some more. At this point I am a little numb but he will be fucking me and all of a sudden I will feel it again and I will catch myself moaning. 

At some point during the fucking he makes me squirt while he is fucking me hard. As the wetness descends all over our bodies I feel the spray of it as he body slaps into mine. When we finish and lay there covered in all the body fluids I find it comforting that this type of biological closeness does not phase him. It is easy with him. I dont think about touching him, I just do. All the other men I think about where my hands are and I am always making sure that I am not touching them too much but how I enjoy not thinking about trying not to be to close. The wetness in the bed does not phase him or me and we fuck in the wet bed until we slept. 

He also made me take off my tank top. I feel comfortable in clothing when I fuck but nudity sometimes feels to vulnerable but he insists. He enjoys my body, the way he touches it reminds me that he is not thrown off by its size or stretch marks or the breasts that breast fed three babies. He tells me to get up and get my vibrator. I want this, I have not had the type of orgasm that comes from the vibrator in many weeks.  I feel him watching me as I walk across the room naked. 

When have this vibrator it is like dick does not exist. His dick in me is almost a nuisance and interferes with my orgasm, but I persist as I am determined to get my release. And I do and he feels the sharp intense contractions of my pussy while my eyes fill with the tears of ecstasy. And then I do again and again until my body just can not take it anymore. He loved it. Weary and lifeless as I try to recover from all the orgasms he is more motivated to fuck me and picks up his pace. I love this place of giving my body to him. I have no energy to fight him off and I want him to feel as good as I do so I give into him and let him take my body. His dick finds it way into my ass. He has gotten so much better at fucking my ass. He used to move into me like a impulsive child who could not temper his force but now he lets me relax on to him and lets me control the way things move and it is a much more satisfying adventure. He fucks my ass until he cums and leaves his semi hard dick inside of me for about 30 seconds until I feel it getting hard again and he fucks my ass all over again. 

As we were laying there today before we slept I ask him "are you really going to move with me" and he says yes and I feel like it is all a dream. Is this man I have wanted for so long really going to be in my bed with me every night. Will this fantasy I have of being with him really become my reality. It almost feels too good to be true. I maybe still dont believe it is really going to happen. 

As we get dressed, he talks about my fantasy to be fucked by the migrant workers in the field. He always brings this up. I open his mind to it is not just the migrant workers but it is groups of men working together that makes me want to avail myself to them. I do love a working man and I dont know what it is about a group of them but dear Lord it is an steady fantasy of mine. Someone we were talking about fucking delivery men and I told him the story about the deliver man I fucked before I met him. He asked me how we got that started but I could not explain. There was just such intense heat between us that I could not and he could not stop ourselves. It was like something straight out of a porno. 

He was in my driveway and I was getting into my car and like an after thought I said "can I get a hug" he comes towards me and I lean into him and breathe him into me. I love him and I am finally letting myself feel that again after shutting out those feelings for so long. 

He calls me about 5pm, I am sitting with the kids eating dinner. Its quickly apparent he has nothing to say. I am not sure why he called me. I want to reminisce about our day and I think he does too but he says are you sitting there with the kids and I confirm that I am awkwardly taking this call while my three kids hang on my every word. He say " ok then I will talk to you tomorrow". 

Out of the Blue

 Stillness was consuming me as I lay in my bed motionless. I was watching my show and out of no where I overwhelming sense of wanting a man to mount me and cum in me overtook my brain. It was instant. One second my body was calm and still and next it hungry and throbbing. It was all I could think of. The fantasy played out in my head. It was not even a particular man and it was not the intercourse that amused me. It was this feeling of a mnn coming inside of my body that I craved. The feeling was a little jarring as I did not know what prompted it and I did not know what to do with it. I thought about reaching out to someone to help me with this craving but it was late and logistically it would be difficult. I deal with my urges and go to sleep. 

The next day I feel it creeping back to me. This time it is not the man's seed that I want but I have a vision of myself naked on the bed and a fully dressed man stands beside me mercilessly finger fucking me until he makes me squirt and then he take he soaking wet hand and shakes it onto my naked body and leaves me .  These are very specific things that I want and they dont come from my body but my mind. There is the physical craving that is much like hunger and it about my cunt needed to feel stretched and attended to. But these desires were about the mental fuck more than the physical. 

Right on time D schedules to come down tomorrow, so there is no need for me to seek out dick like a malnourished child looking for food. I am excited to see him. I want the sex, it has been like three weeks for me so I know my body wants the sex but I want to be close to him. 

Part of me feels like I should clean the house and change the sheets and part of me is like fuck it, it is what it is. He knows my house is a mess sometimes and he knows sometimes it is not, but still I want him to see it clean. In my mind if it is clean he will see me as someone who can handle everything life throws at me but toys scattered around and clothes not put away will highlight that I am struggling some days. 

I look around my room and I feel so defeated. It would take me like 10 minutes to make it look nice but I am exhausted and my body aches and I devoid of any motivation to pick up the toys my daughter brings in here everyday so she can be right next to me at all times. 

Tonight was a particularly difficult night with my son. He had been doing really well the last 2months but he is starting to back slide and I am seeing some of his scary behaviors. It scary like I can't let him out of my sight because I think it is well within the realm of possibility for him to try to kill himself when he is upset. It is a gut wrenching feeling when you realize he has been quiet for too long and you dont know where he is. This child struggles and I struggle right a long with him. We are so close and yet I can't get to him to help him and help the issues he has. I know he has been missing his Dad. He keeps asking me if I marry D with D be his Dad? And he is now calling my ex-husband his step dad because he said he needs a Dad that is here all the time. And JF still in Africa never calls his kids and never makes any effort to keep their bond. I feel like he has just let them go. 

Jf was supposed to come back this week, but he said he tested positive for Covid, again. He had before and has been vaccinated but here he goes again. I think about his life and how utterly tragic his entire life has been and how these two healthy children are really the greatest blessings in his life and this piece of shit can't get out of his own way to be a father to them. 

So I am curious to see tomorrow how I feel if I am ravenous for the dick or if I just want to hold D. Remember last time I saw him I did not really want to be near him, We shall see what tomorrow brings. 

Peace

 I am not sure what changes in my brain that allows me to live so contently sometimes and other not at all. It has been maybe three weeks since I have seen anyone and I am more than ok with that. D was planning on coming Tuesday but I just got my period so that seems useless now. I kind of wanted him to come just to do something around the house for me vs the sex. It is way more satisfying to have my property needs met that my carnal needs at this current time. 

There are some urges here and there but they are so fleeting and so easily forgotten, not at all like the the pangs of hungry from the last year and half. In these times of contentment I do think about and replay the scenes of dirty sex when I was thirsty and driven for orgasm. Most of the time I shake my head to myself in awe of the absolute reckless abandon I operate with during these times. 

I have often thought of myself as bi-polar in a sense but my mania is never the classic symptoms of mania but just this sexual fixation. It is truly a different version of myself and I find it so unrecognizable sometimes. I stay to myself cautiously because I never know when I will be in need again and I dont want to alienate the men I have put some much time into curating. 

The local guy text me yesterday. I can not even make myself open the text. I can not even reply. I dont know what to say. We do not have a relationship where we talk about things. Our conversations have been 2-3 minutes tops while I get undressed and dressed to walk out. So it is not like we have that connection. And I just want to say I dont want to fuck right now but dont loose my number in case I am in the mood one night. And well that feels rude so I dont want to say that. 

In this time of quiet time I have had a lot of time for self reflection. First I realize I do not take care of myself. Just the basics, water, fruit, vegetables, exercise, rest. I just let it go and I was running on empty. So I have focused on doing things that make me feel well and healthy. My weight has been really on my mind. More so than usual. I am not sure if all this reflection is the cause of the fact the my body just does not feel as well as I used to. I feel a little bit old all of a sudden. And I wonder was all the sex keeping me feeling younger. All the orgasms maybe breathed life into my body making it smile from the inside out. 

JF continues to be a spot of sadness. His life is such a mess and it is killing me to watch it unravel before my eyes and do nothing. And to here my children talk about their Dad and how he is never around. It was a family night at the school the other night. It was an outdoor concert, lawn seating, and as I look around I felt slighted again that I was there by myself. Not that JF and I are not together but he was not here for this and for so many other things. 

I have been binge watching a favorite show of mine, Call the Midwife, a PBS production. I just watched an episode that was set in South Africa and there were some amazing scenes of groups of black men working digging a trench and the same fantasy I have always had creeps back to me. That part has not left me but the physical and mental drive to get the dick has vanished (for now at least). 

I was reminded of this movie I watched, a long time ago. 3 Needles. It was about the spread of HIV in Africa, China and US. There is a scene where a nun was raped by a local man who thought that having sex with a virgin would cure the illness. This was not the first time that a rape scene intrigued me but it was a very memorable one. There was something about the nun, so pure and pristine being defiled by this young black man that was - I dont want to say exciting because that is not quite it- but it was thrilling for me. This was back in 2006. I think this fantasy of mine will never leave me. 

I quite like the free time I have with out the search for dick but I am not sure how long this peace will last.