High Times

I was having a lot of anxiety yesterday morning. Inexplicable anxiety that was really fucking me up. So I tried the edible but rather than the gummy I did the drops. I took WAY too much. It takes a while to kick in, so fast forward about 3 hours and I was stoned. I could not even get up off the bed. To be clear this was not a good high, it was horrible. I was laughing but I was incapacitated and I did not like it at all. D called me during this time and I did not answer the call but he kept calling me and calling me so I picked up. I tried to talk but I could not. I could not function. I told him I could not talk. I told him I was too high to talk and he said is the most disapproving way "are you smoking weed", I emphatically proclaim "No! I took an edible". He was pissed and said he had to go because "I was obviously busy". I mean obviously when I did not answer the first 3x he called, but he persisted. He pissed me off in this moment so bad. In my intense high was like fuck him. I dont need him or anyone tell me what to do. I pay my own bills, I take care of my own life, I will do what I want to do.

Fast foward a few hours, I was ok enough to function and the trucker text me he was in town. I can't seem to stop seeing the trucker. I was excited to see him. I meet him about 10 minutes from my house and I drive to the lot where he is, exit my mini van and climb into this huge truck. He is chatty as always and talks about how much le loves looking at my pussy. He really seems to like to look at it. I quickly suck his dick and I just want the dick in me. I did not know but I was just hours before I get my period and I was in heat. I devoured the dick and came several times. I was thinking about in my head just how much I have missed dick and how good this felt. In sweet perfection, I clean his cum up off of my stomach and I get dressed and get out as quickly as I came in, with a "let me know when you are back", he says "for sure" as he gets dressed. 

I got my period this morning and thought to myself that is why that dick felt so amazing. It is the time of the month when I am the most in need of the dick and for once I did not need to go out and find it, it just came to me. 

In the light of today, D pissed me off. I have two very distinct feelings about him. Love and disgust. His disapproval of yesterday made me mad and I already know he is going to accuse me of being with someone else,  and I am not really in the mood for hearing his mouth. I just do not want to be bother explaining myself because he does nothing for me and I dont think I need to give him an account of everything I do because that is not the space we are in right now. His tone just did not sit well with me. I dont know what our next conversation will be like but I am not looking forward to it. 

This week has been a difficult week for me. I have been more tired than usual and just not felt great mentally. Ive been struggling with anxiety and lack of motivation to do anything. I have been sleeping like 13 hours a night and just feeling sad. The holidays are really hard for me and my entire childhood every holiday included traumatic events, like the Christmas Eve my Dad got so drunk he tried to kill himself by jumping out of our family car while we were moving and I sat in the back seat and watched that, then held him in telling him to please not to kill himself because I needed him. Or the Christmas Eve we had to get him out of jail for kicking the shit out of somebody's car because he got too drunk, or the Christmas Eve's at my aunts house where my grandmom would get my cousins actual gifts and give me and my sibling a soap set. Not to harp on the past but this shit is not easy to process as an adult when I had no way of dealing with it as a child. So even though things are ok now sometimes just a smell of something (particularly alcohol) will spark such and intense memory that it bring my mind and body right back to that night. 

I dont go into liquor stores for this reason. They make me remember being a child and going there to pick up beer and remembering the disdain in my moms demeanor as she bought the beer for him. The smell of the store, the look of it, it is all so negatively overwhelming. I have only been in a liquor store maybe 1x every two years or so when I needed to go. And it would be to pick up a gift or wine for cooking. 

After all that, D's voice shunning me because I was high was frustrated. Maybe he should have called me to ask me why I feel like I need to get high, like show some actual concern vs disapproval. I could have been reading too much into it but I dont think so. I am familiar with his disapproval, like when he saw my collection of prescriptions and told me I am killing myself with this shit. HARD EYE ROLL. I am doing the best I can to get by in life currently. He has to be a help to me and not a hinderance because I can not take on anything that is going to bring me down, I already feel like I am dragging an anchor around everywhere I go. 

I kinda of wish I could have skewed this to be more light and easy read but I can't really fake it tonight. I feel like shit and I dont want to pretend. I also fucked up big time at work. I fixed it but when I get back to work I know some people are going to be mad at me. I am stressed about that. 

Also JF called the kids on Christmas Day for like 30 seconds (because the video was not working) and that was that. I have not heard from him since. SMH. They are not asking for him, I feel like they already know what to expect from him. My daughters, the youngest, is having a birthday soon. She will want him and I dont know if he will be around or available by phone. 

All I got is a fond farewell of 2021 and prayers and hopes that 2022 will lead me closer and closer to self-actualization, a full-filling loving relationship, healthy family and more sexy videos to post. 

In Stitches

 I want to recount my experience with FOB the other night but there needs to be some back story.  So it seems like I have been having pain with sex in the last month or two. It has bothered me because I have not been able to fuck as I would like and well I like to stay on top of things like that. So I did talk to my doctor and she wanted to try a steroid and if that did not help she wanted to do a skin biopsy. Nothing makes you feel old then hearing the need for a skin biopsy just to be on the "safe side". So I end up having this biopsy in the area of my perineum. It was as painful as it sounds and of course because I am a red head she could not get the bleeding to stop and I needed two stitches. I seriously was traumatized by this procedures. I almost passed out, they had to get the smelling salts out. It was a fucking mess. I already got the test results back and no cancerous or pre-cancerous cells or anything of note. I was relieved but shit I still have stiches. She said the stitches would come out in about a month on their own and I could have sex in a few days if I wanted to. This made me nervous, sex a few days after that and gosh I had not look at it but I visual in my head I thought would be traumatizing for any man to see. So I had no intention of having sex until at least my two week check in with her. 

Fast forward, FOB asks me to come and see him and I tell him I am not having sex because of the stitches and I am not coming there to suck your dick either so why do I need to come. He says he wants to spend time with me. I am wary of this. First, FOB is intense with wanting to know how he fits into my life and truthfully he does not. I am happy to spend some time with him while I wait for some full time D dick but I am not going to be in a relationship with him. For some reason I was having trouble telling him no, even as I was texting him I would come down I was thinking that I did not really want to but I felt compelled. So I go. 

I get there and we sit on the couch. He is not warm and inviting, it is almost like he did not invite me over. He quickly asks me to move closer to him but I tell him he needs to move closer to me (because I like to dominate sometimes). He moves closer to me and kisses me. I remember missing kissing him when we first broke up but as I am kissing him I feel nothing. Absolutely nothing stirred in my body and I thought to myself that it is very weird that I have no reaction to this at all. He tries to lure me upstairs. I reiterate that I am not having sex and reminded him that I told him that. He acts like he did not hear it, like it was a surprise to him. Classic man move, he probably did not listen to me when I was talking. He was pissing me off trying to touch me, I told him like three times but then he whipped my sock off and started sucking on my toes. This is good. I prefer this to someone licking my ass. He does this for awhile and then asks me again to go upstairs because he wants to eat the pussy. 

Ok, I do remember how much I liked his oral skills so I was down. We went up to his bedroom where he laid me on the bed and bent down on his knees and provided good oral but I think I was feeling just a little too nervous to relax and enjoy it. He then breaks out a bag of toys. Whips, gag, handcuffs and such. I was frustrated by this. I did not want to be bothered with these toys. There are times in my life when submissive play is fun and when I feel submissive but tonight was not one of those nights. He tries to get me into the ball gag but I hate these things, they hurt my jaw. Fuck, I dont know who can keep there mouth open like that but it hurts your jaw. I am not using this. I repeatedly tell him no to the point that I feel like punching him in his face and really letting him know how I am not feeling this. I let him put the handcuffs on me but only because he kept my hands in front of me. He used the whip some while I was sucking his dick, it was not bad but I can not stress enough....I will not be breaking any men into BDSM play. They better practice on some other bitch because I am not the one. 

I finally asks for the dick and he is slowly slides it in and once I know that it is not going to hurt it feels good. This video is is giving me trouble, but at least you will get the audio. 

He wanted me to stay longer but I had no interest. I really have no feelings for him anymore. I feel nothing at all. The video did amuse me. I like watching it and most of all hearing it. 

I dont know if I am going back soon. It depends on how I feel. D is suppose to come by this week so I probably will be taken care of for awhile. 

Taking Care of Business

 My week was very busy and full of work stress. By the time the truck driver texted me that he was in town I was ready for some dick induced relaxation. I did have a lot of dick offers this week but I just could not make it work logistical, so this one felt like a great option. 

All in all seeing the truck driver is perfect. He meets me close to my house, he has a nice dick, he is a nice person, and it is quick dick which works for my life. However this is one draw back and it is a big one. I have to do the walk of shame every time. And there are always people around to see me climbing into or out of this truck. He knows it bothers me, so he went out of his way to park in a place where I could be discreet, but by the time I got there some other truck had parked there and I just felt like there were a million people looking at me. In reality probably 2 maybe 3 people saw me as he stood behind me and helped me into the truck and stood behind me and guided me out again, 

So I let him fuck me raw. He happily took the condoms out from where he stashed them last time I saw him but I can not bring myself to go through the diligence of the condom, I just want to feel his raw dick in me and I want the sweet slippery dick in my body. He of course did not disappoint. Sad news is it did not last that long. I defiantly could have used more dick but I was happy with what I got. And I sat and talked with him for a few minutes. I always feel so renewed when I enjoy talking with man a fucked. There are very few men in my life other than fucking and I really just have missed having that masculine energy near me. I am a lover of men. I like their energy and the ease in which some can conversate. The break I have had from men had made me appreciate them just a little bit more. 

I called D today. He answered with joy in his voice like he was happy to hear from me. We talk a little bit and make plans for next week. I ask him if he "is really moving down here with me" with a deep need for reassurance. I had this conversation with someone the other day who reminded me that at times D has not always come through for me. This thought has not been in my mind. I have not given a lot of thought to the fact that D would not move here once we discussed the plan. My friend brought this doubt in my head that made me question D. He reassured me and we talked more about it. I needed to hear him say that. It felt good. It felt like it grounded me again in what I already knew. The story of D and me has been unorthodox and strained at times. It has been sweet and has been a source of pain at times. It has been so many things but it has always been. I have always belonged to him, from the day I met him, I was his. As we move forward in this new phase I take solace in our history, that D does not surprise me, he is pretty even and consistent in his way. It has taken me a long time to regcongnize his way. 

I still feel in no hurry for him to move here. Most days I wish I could have his body in mine and I still walk around my day and try to figure out how D would fit into it, but I am patient (for the first time ever in my life). I feel secure with the plan and the way that details need to be worked out before just jumping into it. It still feels like a good place to be. It feels like I am moving in the right direction. And even though I am still playing with others, it does not feel like a betrayal still, it just feels like taking care of business. And it will easily fall away once D is in my life everyday. 

A Girl has got to Eat

 So, I went to see FOB yesterday. We chatted briefly the day before and he showed me his rock hard dick and I decided that I wanted to try that again. I had my period so I told him we would need to wait. As I remembered he was terribly disgusted by fucking during my period, but his openness to it had changed. He had not had sex since we last saw each other in September and he was dealing with a rock hard dick all day long and I think that helped changed his mind to try fucking me while I was bleeding. So I went. I was slightly excited to get out of the house and away from the kids. He actually lives closer to me now, just in the opposite direction and he is in his own place now. I get there and he is some what cold with me. I guess I was expecting the same lovingness that I got when we were together but it was a little weird. We were talking and discussing our relationship. He said "I want to slap you so bad". He slowly made his way over to me and held my hands down with one hand and slapped me seductivly with one hand. I swear my legs just opened while he hover above me. Before I knew it I was naked and he was bending me over the ottoman and fucking me well. After I felt him cum inside of me he sat on the couch and sat next to him. I asked him to come closer to me. I wanted to feel his skin on my skin. And he sat next to me and rested between my tits and my arm laid across his back. His dark skin and my light skin complementing each other. As I held him, I began to feel tears falling down my face. Just subtle silent tears trailing down my face as I thought about how I did love this man and how it was also not a good fit.

We then fucked again, this time on the steps and FOB is big on positions and fucking hard. I got dressed, gave him a hug goodbye and left to return to my life. I did not feel guilty about it all in the slightest. I am still devoted to D as I always was but like I had said before, if he is here and taking care of me then I am there with him, but if he is not I still have to eat. 

I have relaxed myself a lot with sex but I still need it. 

I spoke with JF the other day, alone, without the children. It was cold and uneventful. I very quickly came to the conclusion that I just can't worry about JF. He is in his own world and I am not his focus, his kids are not his focus. He is his focus and I just can't waste my time letting myself love him. I just had a temporary set back in loving him for just a moment but I am back to reality. 

I still feel that deep sense of peace I have had lately. JF did not disturb it. I feel good still. Really peaceful and content. I love this feeling. It is very freeing. 

Welcome to America

 This guy, I used to play with before JF, so like 11 years ago, and who I saw once in the last year has been texting me. I have been tip toeing around his texts but I finally pulled the the trigger and told him I was not playing anymore or at least for now. It was Hard to say it but I did it. It was really hard to acknowledge that is what I want, but I do. I want to enjoy a relationship with D and not feel guilt and I have been ok so far. I have been missing sex but I have my period anyway so I am beat on that, like always. 

JF made it back and the kids are happy. They are happy in an understated way. I think the JF does not realize that it just makes them feel more secure with him near them, even if it is just him sitting with them while they play. He is spending the night here. Just one night. On the couch. 

When I saw him step into my house I was numb I did not feel anything but as the minutes ticked by I was more and more anxious about seeing him. Part of me wanted to beg him to come back to me and part of me just wanted to cry. I dont know what to think about how I feel. I am still so sad about y the loss of our relationship but I dont love him any less than I ever have. I have to fight the feeling I have to take care of him and I am to push myself to stay in my lane with him. 

I tell myself that he is not the man that I need in my life, I gave him so many years to show me that he was and he never showed me that man that I need. He never showed remorse for emotionally abandoning me and the kids and in true JF way when I asked him "what he had to say" he responded with "Africa is good, there is no stress there". He says that in front of the kids. So what message does that send to the kids. He does not say he is happy to be back he says the place where they are not is good. I really think he is just plain stupid sometimes and does not think about how his words will impact children. 

I asked him to talk tomorrow, face to face. I want to talk about his role in the kids life and what that looks like for him and what his life plans are because I feel like the kids need to know and well I want to know if he is planning on being here in this country or not. 

I found myself wanting to call D while I was feeling all this anxiousness. I dont often think of him in times of stress. I dont usually count him as part of my support system but in a perfect world I want him to remind me how JF has used me and taken advantage of me all the shitty things he has done to me. I want D to reinforce my resolve to not let JF railroad me again. I dont call D. D would be furious with me if he knew JF stayed here and I am not going to have that conversation. JF is family and family will always have a place to stay with me. I can't defend that to D, there is no reason to even make him aware of it. 

I do think about if D was living here what this reunion would look like. I would want JF to come in and spend sometime with the kids but I wonder what D would say and what the conversation would look like. My go to thought is it is my house and I will make the call but I know that in relationships there is a bit more give and take than that. Something I should think about for the future. 

Whatever will be will be

 I have been wanting to post for a few days but I have not been able to find the mental space away from the kids to collect my thoughts, but tonight is a good night. It is quiet in this house and I have found my way to my bedroom alone, took a shower, washed my hair and crawled into my bed to unload my mind. 

Side Note- I emphasis wash my hair because this is something JF would always teach me. When I was feeling stressed and miserable for no reason he would always ask me if I washed my hair. And most of the time I would say I got a shower but not wash my hair. My hair only need washing every 2-3 days. But he would always force this feeling of well being once I gave in and washed my hair before I needed to. His reason is that our head, particularly the top of our head is a place of divinity and where we receive our love from god into our spirt. So if our head was dirty then our spiritual connection would be block and therefor the melancholy I would feel. So 10 years of that my mind and body have jumped on board and now when I wash my hair I feel such a lightness and peaceful cleansing. It is just a nod to how people impact our lives in so many ways that we do not even realize. And to the point we need to be careful who we spend our time with. I know that now, maybe 10 years too late. 

FOB text me the other day. First to ask how I was and small talk and he shared he was moving to MD. I think I shared that last blog. He has such a weird relationship with his family that sponsored him to come here. He did not even tell him he was moving until 48 hours before he was leaving. That is kind of a dick move. He defiantly feels like they are out to get him. As I write that I am reminded he shared with me his mother has severe mental illness, shizophrenia I believe. I remember when he told me that and my first thought was "thank god I am not having kids with you". Looking back he has some of the weird behaviors I would see in the schizophrenic patients I use to work with. The believe that his family wants nothing but the worst for him, the secretive behavior and some other oddities. 

Anyhow he asked me if he could come visit me this week. Now I have been thinking about his dick hard core lately. I keep visualizing when he would spread my legs and get down on his knees and eat my pussy or how his dick would pulsate as he came. I had been contemplating seeing him again for this reason but I have been trying to keep my eye on the prize. The prize being committed to D and not having to lie to him about my activities. However when FOB asked to come visit me my instinct was Hell No. I did not say that right away I took some time to think about it, ask my friend about it, weight the pros and cons. I really did not want him in my house because I felt like maybe he would come and never leave. And I also felt like that was too intimate for what I wanted. My bedroom is my sanctuary and I did not want him there again. I told him that I did not think it would be a good idea and he accepted that answer and did not persist. However it took a lot of my strength to tell this man "no". I am not used to telling men no. I just give men what they want with little or no regard for what I want, sometimes I am not even sure if I know what I want. But this I knew and I was so proud of myself for recognizing what my instincts were telling me and for having the balls to say it out loud and disappoint him. 

I forgot to mention that his move in date for his new place got pushed by by 4 days and he sister told him he had to leave anyway so he was homeless for 4 days living in a motel. I dont know maybe he still is, I will not text him to ask. I can not take on that kind of unsteadiness in life. I think about if he had his life together I could have been with him. He had lots of good qualities and I did like him a lot but good lord you have to walk before you can run with me in life. I am not taking anymore men under my wing. 

JF still has not returned from Africa. My poor babies talk about their Dad a lot. We have bought him a Christmas present and made him pictures and I send him pictures. He usually does not respond. When he talks on the phone to the kids he tells them over and over how much he loves and misses them and I see glimpses of the man I once knew. He did try to fly back a few weeks ago but he tested positive for Covid. He has a flight for next week so we will see if the borders are open next week when he is due to fly. Maybe he will be back. I dont have the desire to hug him like I did. I had that desire to hug him for so long but it left me. Thank God. I dont hate him but I dont love him like I did... most to the time anyway. Occasionally I will feel nostalgic love for the good times we had and the people we created but he serves no purpose for good in my life now and I just need to let it go. I am well on my way of letting it go. 

Tonight I sat in the parking lot of the school while my son had basketball practice and watched all the white fathers bring their kids in. My kid is the only kid with any color on this team but the local white guy I used to see jumped to the forefront of my mind. All these white men looked alike and like him to me. They reminded me of the local guy gentleness and kindness. I feel like he deserve pussy just for being the nice guy. I actually have felt really bad for cutting him off. I just felt like it made me happy to make him happy. (Of course that is how I always feel)

There is this guy. I think I call him Mike. He got a whole name because all the initials. He is a nice guy that I met through a friend of a friend and we have good sex, he wears a condom, he has a big dick, he comes to my house at night. I have not heard from him in a good 3 weeks maybe more. I just left at that. He text me the other day to ask me if I forgot about him. I said "Not at all. You ask me to meet, I never ask you, that is how we roll". He said he loved that answer and asked to me. Like a gift from God my period is this week, any moment now. I tell him I will see him Thursday night but I might need to cancel if I get my period. I want to cancel because I want to be with D and D makes me feel amazing and I can wait for him. But I also dont want to lose touch with this guy and give up a good fuck mate, just in case I need one. I dont want to tell him I am not playing anymore. I am stressed. I feel like what I am going to do it tell him I got my period, either way and buy myself another week to make this call. It is momonumentally hard for me to tell a man no. 

And then there was D. D and I dont talk everyday. Not even every other day. Sometimes once a week, sometimes 3x a week, sometimes our conversation are so brief it is less than a minute and sometimes he chats me up for an hour. I feel comfortable in this space with this arrangement. For the first time ever I feel confident of our relationship even in our disconnection. This is something he has tried to explain to me for years that even though we were not in each others life on the daily it was no less binding and no less important and real. He called me tonight, as I was just pulling up to the driveway, and getting kids out of the car. I stand outside in the cold, smiling big as I listen to him talk about how to cook a turkey and what he did for Thanksgiving and my personal favorite (eye roll) him talking about how he thinks I should discipline my children. Its my own fault but he asked how the kids were and I said they are driving me nuts because they will not sleep in their own room. This is does not get. It is like beyond his scope of understanding that my kids are told to go their room and they continue to come in my room all night. They need me. And I know they miss their Dad and there are really big things happening in their little lives and they need me. And my whole purpose in being their parent is to love them, to protect them, to support them and give them what they need. Right now they seem to need to be on my ass 24/7 and I will continue to encourage them find their autonomy and enjoy their own space in their bed. He thinks this is crazy and we agree to disagree. The conversation with D and I is sweet and gentle and loving banter between two people who know each other very well. It was so satisfying. I like this place we are in. It is like my dream of what I wanted with him has finally be realized and I dont know if he changed or I finally just noticed that he was there all along. Or maybe a combination of both. 

He is still planning on moving in. He has a job lead that is taking sometime but it is a job that he wants and he is being patient on it. I am being patient with it too. He could move in tomorrow or he could move in 6 months from now or next year and it would all be ok. I am in no rush. Que Sera Sera - whatever will be will be. I am so at peace with it and feel so connected with him I am not worried about any of it. 

Thats an overarching theme of the last month or so. Peace deep down in my soul, I feel so much peaceful energy. I am physically feeling better than I was and I am just moving in the right direction in all areas of my life. It feels amazing. I always add this disclaimer when I talk positive like this. First I like to always say the good and the bad. When I look back I want to remember all the good feelings just as I want to learn from the bad. Secondly, I know that nothing last forever and this peaceful feeling will not be with me for ever so I am acknowledging to the universe that I love it and I want more of it.