Friday, December 16, 2022

Holidays

 D came down this week again. And this time it did not pan out like a porn video but more like the reality of two people who have turned to each other for 20 years for our sexual needs. I was just in the shower and noticed the grips marks of his hands that have bruised on my arms. I am instantly brought back to that moment he is fucking me and gripping so hard that he leaves bruises and I love it. After I thought we were done fucking we were laying face to face on our sides while he played with my breasts and we talked about sex. The intimacy was needed for me. I needed to be close to him. Sometimes I dont know though is it him or his it I need to be close to a person. I have such a personal boundary with everyone it is hard to tell if this is me just needing to be touched because I won't let anyone else touch me (in an intimate way). 

Other than these few hours of bliss, it has been a hard week or so. You could probably go back to every December in this blog and see how much I struggle in December. So many years I have questioned my sanity and my ability to cope with day to day life. This happened from the time before I had children, so I can not blame them. Growing up the holiday were heavy on childhood trauma. An alcoholic father at Christmas Parties was really hard. My mom every single year telling us that "there won't be much for Christmas this year" and every year was more than enough. My mom and dad fighting non-stop. My dad always screaming about the "goddam kids". The Christmas before I got pregnant with my first I vowed to my husband at the time that this was the last time I would be doing Christmas and then came my daughter.

I have pared down Christmas to the basics that I can handle. We have a tree, minimal decorations, we make gingerbread houses, we look at lights, sometimes we make cookies, we by gifts for our family, and the damm elf in the shelf just came out last night. I am weighted heavily by the guilt not making Christmas magical for my kids. I dont know how to make it magical. I dont have the energy for anything but survival and I just can not do any more than I am doing. 

Last night I spent about 20 minutes crying on the phone to my mom. I am in such a low place. 

This blog has always been about more than sex and I see how much I have changed in the last few years. Sex is almost an after thought for me and does not drive me like it once did. At least not all the time. There are "seasons" of my year where I will fall into a lust driven mind and I will neglect my kids and responsibilities for some dick but I have not felt that way in a while. 

The other things in my life seem so much bigger to me that dick. The thought of D in my house in my life sharing my life with him has kept me really behaving myself for the most part. And any slip up in that department I will put the blame squarely on him for not taking care of my needs. 

I also feel like I dont like men like I once did. I just really dont like them. And I know I have talked about this before but men in general are lacking in so many areas. I need to love them to look past it and frankly I dont want to risk falling in love with anyone else. We never know where sparks will fly and where our heart will take us. I never thought I would fall in love with D, the Home Depot employee who helped me load my truck so many years ago but here we are. JF, the disabled, french speaking African who stole my heart the first night I met him and still holds it hostage. I can not risk it again. Ill just love the men I love for who they are and I want to limit my exposure just in case. 

If I think back to all the men I am just repulsed by most. There are some people that I find to be very kind and nice and we had great conversation and good sex but my overall motivation to find dick it just about nothing. 

So here I am struggling as we end the year. I am trying to hold on to my sanity and try not to let the men in my life let me down too much.

I am trying so hard to have D make a video with me. We need another one.  Sometimes the sex is so hot I feel like it is a shame not to share it with other. 

Wednesday, December 7, 2022

24 Hour Update

 24 hour post fuck session I have all the feels for D. I am currently sitting in my bed in the pjs that I had on when he came over, they smell like him, they smell like us and it it intoxicating to me. I keep replaying the scenes in my head of him fucking me. I know I have said it before but this man fucks me and moves me around like I am a little women. He always makes me feel small in the most incredible way that a woman sometimes want to feel small in the arms of her man. Or at least this women.

I called D, he did not answer, but I just wanted to relive the details of our day. Good God when we connect we really connect deeply. In this afterglow there is almost nothing I won't do for this man. 


Tuesday, December 6, 2022

Like A Porn Video

 D has been MIA for a bit. He no showed me twice and has been really distant. And he took me to that I have  been before. Complete apathy. He pushes me until I am numb and I retreat and he comes back at me hard. 

He unprompted offered an apology for his out of character behavior about 10 days ago and since that time he has told me when he was going to call me and follow through with everything. I dont think I have talked to him so much in our relationship than I have in the last week or so. He is checking in, he is asking me how the kids are, he is asking me how I am and I found myself talking to him about how I feel. One day I was miserable and I told him I was miserable and I did not know why. We talked awhile about it but it in my heart this just felt out of place. I feel like he is "trying to hard". It was evident he was trying to make amends and while I really appreciate the gesture I did not have the energy to truly receive it. He fails to see that the walls get a little higher each time he goes through tough times and if he disappoints me on the wrong day it will take me all of an hour to have another man inside of me. 

D did come visit today. I needed my kitchen sink fixed and he knew that would be the plan today. I took the kids to school and then I got in the shower. He arrived while I was in the shower and when I came down he was laying in the kitchen cabinet fixing it. This made me happy. Finally a tangible meeting of my needs and I did not need to ask him twice. And as he layed there on the floor I could not help but look at him in his work pants and boots and watch the way his big cock laid in those pants. I was passing him tools and just thinking about unbuckling his belt. I restrained myself because lets face it the sink needed to be fixed. 

After he fixed it we retreated up stairs. Things begin as they usually do. He gets naked and I suck his dick and well I feel just like I am going through the motions. I want the dick but I did not want to put in the effort in the dick sucking. Also I am going to share some important information that men need to have. Men seem to love to put there hand on the back on your head when you suck their dick, but this inhibits the length of time I (and I suspect others) can bob up and down on that cock. It is extremely hard to push back on the weight of the hand pressing your face down to the cock, it just tires me out and makes my neck hurt and then I am just done with it. I moved it had 2x but he kept instinctively push my head down I just moved and away and got in position for him to fuck me. Laying down in front of him with my feet on his shoulders. He starts slow and I live for the feeling you get when the dick first stretches you out and then I work on getting adjusted and stimulated for my body to be able to accommodate his dick. 

It does not take long before some heat develops between us. He is getting the dick deep and making me cum over and over again. I am on my back and he is laying on his side, almost like we are making a t-shape and he is fucking me so hard and intense vigor I start to squirt while he is in me and as he fucks me it just sprays all over us and with every thrust we get covered in it. And he loved it and he kept making me cum like this. This was such an intense orgasm, he made me cum like that at least 4 or 5 more times. 

It was like a porn movie all afternoon. We took a lunch break and fuck some more and then he fell asleep mid conversation and I played on my phone while our bodies rested intertwined with each other. He woke up and slide right back in me and when we rested from that it was really time for me togo. But we started talking about all the good sex we have had over the years and before we knew it we were fucking again like to animals in heat. At one point I ask him to put his fingers in me and stretch my pussy some more. I needed a little bit of pain. He kept spreading my legs and sucking my clit and my pussy and coming back to kiss me. 

It all felt good. By the time I had to leave I was feeling like I needed to do some more with pain. I wanted my pussy slapped and face slapped. I wanted to be fisted (even though my body was already so sore from the hours of pounding dick). Ultimately we did not have time for it. I had to pick up kids. He was in the bathroom and I dressed myself as fast as I could and I went to the bathroom to see him washing his body with his big dick just hanging there. I give him a hug, he leans in a aggressively kisses me on my neck and grids his semi hard dick in me. We laugh and I run out the door while he finishes up. 

D is not perfect, but I like him a lot. Even when he disappoints me I tend to keep my patience with him. I cant say I will keep my legs crossed but I can not imagine ever shutting the door on us. 

At one point I said "do you want to talk about what we are doing with our lives", he said "No" and I said " I did not really want to talk about it either. It was just nice to be with him. 

After I had some time to recover I wanted more dick. That's the problem with him coming one day here and there. We got to marathon it but I like sex break sex break sex break. 

Over all I wish I could have had a video of the beating my pussy took today, maybe one day I will be able to convince him to make another video with me. 

Thursday, November 24, 2022

Thoughts on being Thankful

 I feel like I do this every year...but I could be just mis-remembering too, but time to take stock of what I am thankful for today. 

First, I am thankful for the health of my family. My children (despite some major health changes for my daughter) are doing very well. Are there things we are working on - FOR SURE! Thing like feeding therapy, anxiety, insomnia, chronic head pain but we are all able bodied and able to travel and play and have fun. This includes my parents and sisters family and my aunt. All of my people. 

My own struggles have always been being overweight and mental health. And this year has been good for my mental health. I have never felt more content and peaceful with myself and my own company than I have in this year. I just took my kids to one of the water parks in the Poconos, as we go every year during this time. And there were years I went with my parents and those were good. It gave me a lot of time to play with my kids and they were younger and it was good. I have went with just JF and the kids and I think the last 3 years it has just been me and the kids. This year it was just me and the youngest two as the oldest did not have off school and did not want to miss anymore school since she has missed so much due to her health issues. So me the 5 year old and the 10 year old. I did not once feel lonely. I did not wish for one second that there was someone else there with me. I really enjoyed the time (as much as you can enjoy an indoor water park with two kids). Years past I would watch the couples. I would watch their dynamic and tone and body language with one another. This year I was blissfully unaware of any of that. I just did not care about couples or having a partner. I was at peace and I happily played and hung out with my kids and when they played nice with each other I happily sat back and took in the joy of these wonderful little people I have made. 

The overweight part I struggle with. I do worry about my health and that is my real concern but I am not making headway in that area. But I am grateful that I love my body and it does not dictate to me what I am going to do. Be it group sex, or porn videos, or spending the day walking, or doing intense physical labor. I am still able to tell my body what we are going to do and I am grateful for that. 

Second, My Home and My Car. 

My home and my car bring me so much peace. My home is simple and fresh and it feels the exact way I want it to. I am grateful when I come home I smell nothing but fresh air and even when my house is cluttered with the objects of life it still always feels clean and fresh to me and I love it. I love my whole bedroom and walking closet that is just for me. I love the that my bedroom does not remind me of JF or D or any other man who has been in it. It just always centers me. 

My car - When my other van was stolen earlier this year I was devastated and struggled in this market to find any car at all but I researched and researched and made a choice that everyone was a little unsure of and I had to do A Lot of work to get the car from several states away but I got just what I wanted and it has been my most favorite car of all of them I owned. It brings me a lot of joy. 

Third

I am just grateful for the over all low drama factor in my life. I have been listening to a lot of true crime podcasts lately and each time I wonder how people get saw twisted up in these crazy situations. I have even seen it in my own family, my extended family. There lives are so chaotic and full of stress I dont know how they can keep up that energy.  For me my meds help tremendously with keeping my eye on the prize in life. I know more than anything I want peace and contentment over everything else in my life and it really helps me weed out the nonsense....

And that brings us to the nonsense - D. 

I would not say that I am grateful for D, his dick maybe but not for him. 

Since I last post, I dont think I have even seen him. He has had a set back with his physical health and then he was in a car accident at work and was injured. And then he said he was coming and never showed up or called and then he did that again. He called me 3 times in a row Tuesday and I let it go to voicemail. He knew I was away with my kids, or maybe he did not listen to me or maybe he forgot but I dont know why he thinks that he can demand my attention whenever he wants. I did call him back but it went right to voicemail. So I have not talked to him. Part of me worries what if there was an emergency and he was calling me 3 times in a row because of that but I cant live on D's time. D is really a good dick and I need to keep him in his lane of being the good dick and let the rest go. 

To that end, I am thinking about expanding my team. Right now neighbor is the only one fucking me. And frankly I am content with that for right now. I always go back to the same thing I just want to be fucked and left alone to do  my thing and raise my kids. I dont have the patience for men and their shenanigans. 

Wednesday, October 19, 2022

Brain is Fried.

 I have had some difficult times in the last week. My oldest was sick and we were in the ER 3x until she was admitted and it has followed up with doctors appointments and the youngest has been sick and the boy well he has been really classic ADHD and we just went today to talk to the doc about a med change. This last few weeks have really left me feeling drained. I find my mind is easily becoming frazzled and work....oh how work has been a challenge for me. I am still working on this special project. I have been working every day on it and about 70 hours per week since the 1st week of July and it has winded down to about 60 hours per week and I pray that it is over by mid November. I do want to pick up a side hustle after this but not so many hours with no time off. I feel really stretched to my limit. Sometimes I feel like I am just going to go crazy and sometimes I just lay on the couch with my youngest in a catatonic state. I have also been having a lot of physical issues myself. My body just hurts, I dont know why. Maybe I dont drink enough water, maybe it lack of movement and spending 70 hours a week in front of a computer. Maybe I am just old and this is what my body feels like now. But it brings tears to my eyes at times. It is definitely out of the realm of my base line. 

On the bright side, it is good to know what I am capable of. I might fall for a day but I pick myself back up and re-arouse my brain and start all over again. Over the last few weeks I have not wished for a partner, I was comfortable doing it all alone. We had some scary moments in the ER and did not let it bring me down. I let my fear wash over me and kept my unshakable solid demeanor to make sure my daughter felt safe. When the worst of it was all over I took a day off work and slept all day and I was good. It makes me feel silly for ever feeling like I needed someone in life. Frankly I am the person people need in their life. I am the best thing going in a crisis. 

D has pretty much been out of sight out of mind for the most part. I saw him one day and it was fine and I felt connected and all the things I needed to feel. He has been having his own health issues. Did I mention D works 2 jobs.... this is relevant, just wait for it. He works two jobs and his one job has been slow and they have not worked some days. It has been like that all summer some weeks only working 2 or 3 days. He is still holding out because they tell him they are moving him down south and the southern operation is busier. Nonetheless he has this other jobs he has had for like 20 years on the weekend. Not every weekend but probably every other weekend. He does give his ex wife money for the kids too. And I know child support it not easy so good for him. But he needed medicine and insurance would not cover it it was going to cost $100.  He in a round about way asked me for the money. I said out loud "how do you not have $100"? I was really shocked. Like you are a really grown up and you have a problem that can be resolved for $100 and you can not do it. Before I gave him the money he went to the ER to try to get the medicine or at least a couple doses.  He will never know how much money I have because he does not know how to manage money. As evidenced by his current situation. I dont have words for it. I know money is not important to him. He is ok if he has no money and he does not eat all day. That does not bother him. It would motivate me if I had to go without eating out for the day to get my shit together and have some money. 

Thanks to this pandemic I was able to get my money up and it gives me such a feeling of freedom to know that I have the means to take care of myself if there is an emergency. And as soon as my debt forgiveness kicks in for my student loans I will only owe 4k in student loans and then the only debt I have is my house and car. Not bad on a single income with three kids. 

I was feeling tense lately and it has been at least 3 weeks with no dick and so when the neighbor sent me the "what you doing" text I hit him back immediatly with the "you want to come over" he says "yes" and I reply "door is unlocked" and before I know he is there. He gets undressed while we talk about house stuff and his dick looks massive. I fucking love it. I just want to stare at it. It is huge, Not as long as D but perfect sized. I was not really into the dick sucking but I did it. I just wanted to get fucked. He wanted me on my back on the bed and he slid that big dick in me and I start that groan and I start to cum like almost immediatly. He lifts my shirt to touch my breasts today. Really he does not mess with them but it was ok. 

We talked about him slapping me and he did some very good throat grabbing and hair pulling and slapping. I feel bad about what I do to these men. All the men says "no I can't hit a women" and then I beg them to slap me when they fuck me and then they are changed forever. I allow them to give into the dominant aggression and I feel like once they get started they cannot stop. Part of me feels bad because I am sure they have got caught up in the moment and slapped someone thinking they would like it like me. 

He came in me and I am still regretting that decision. It just is too much to deal with the cum. I used one of the drip sticks (cum sponge) and got a shower and hope for the best. I did get my vibrator out after he left. He made me cum a few times but I wanted the deep hard orgasm that only cums with my vibrator. It took like 15 seconds to make myself cum and I did it for a good minute and then I was done. 

I got up and went back to work. 

I have not heard from D in two days. When we talked the other day I told him that him and I needed to talk about money. He said no at first and then I persisted and he said ok we would talk about money. Baby steps with that man. I also forgot his birthday or more like I thought is was a week later then it was. 

Thursday, September 22, 2022

Over it.

 D and I talking the other day over our after sex snacks...

"You remember when we first met, you said to me "I have a master and I am not interested in a relationship" and I said to you that the master situation was over, from this point on I am your Master. And I have been"

I had forgotten about this conversation but he did jog my memory. When I was actively looking for a Dom or a Master I was always frustrated by my ability to get them to do what I wanted. It was not hard. I have been told I like to top from the bottom and I am not really submissive. But men are easy to manipulate most of the time. And when they push my boundaries too much I lose interest. But then there is D. He does not play the game with me. And for the most part he does not allow me to manipulate him. Unfortunately he is quite good and calling me on my manipulation game. Sometimes I start to question if I have some kind of disorder because I will hear the shit that comes out of my mouth when I want something that I know the man I am with does not want. I throw it at them - full force. And usually I get what I want. Let me just use this as an example. 

I had to tell my white husband that I was pregnant with my black lovers baby and that I wanted to keep the baby and I did not want him to leave me. I sold that shit to him with everything I had. I did not want my comfortable life to go away. Even as I said some of the words I knew they were not true. I willingly and opened lied to get what I wanted. And then I turned it around and made him feel like it was his fault. 

That is an extreme example but I know what I am doing. JF did not play my games with me most of the time. And D most defiantly does not. However as I pondered him all day today I realized that to get D to come back to me with the level of interest I want I need to leave him alone. 

I left out what is going on with D I guess. He is just distant. Our last conversation was not nice and I dont like the lack of connection between us. I reminded him this week that we have not had one of our good talks in awhile and I really need one. When I want one of these talks I need to wait until he is in the mood. First because if I dont it won't be the satisfaction I need and second he won't allow it if I spring it on him most of the time. 

I am now feeling nervous that he won't move in. I am kinda on the fence. Part of me thinks he is just waiting for the job transfer and everything we talked or fought about will just be forgotten about. And part of me thinks maybe he is serious and he really won't move in. I am trying to be so cool about it and not look desperate. But these last few days I have been feeling desperate. I just want to beg him and hug him and cry and I just look thirsty. He loves that and it does not get me what I want from him. He feels powerful again. And I let him get there. I need to take him down a few notches and help him remember that I do not need to beg him. 

I hate that he has so much power over me but I also love it. He is the only man that really has allowed me to explore how comfortable I am with submission and who holds his boundaries. It is incredibly frustrating. And on my end I feel entitled to my HARD LIMITS. I dont have many but they are hard lines in the sand that I can not image myself crossing. 

I am in such a weird head space about all of this. I got a text from the guy who fucks me blindfolded that I have never seen. He was off this week, but my mind is all fucked up I dont feel like I am in the mood for it. I have to be in the right headspace to wait naked and blindfolded in my room for a stranger to come fuck me. 

I had sex with the neighbor the other day. I only did that because I am mad at D and it felt good to do that even though he does not know. 

I only have two speeds. Fucking just D or fucking everyone else. I have committed to this just fucking D thing and as soon as he steps out of line I feel the urge to step out on him. 

I am getting on my own nerves with the constant thought of him. I love him so much but I am going to play my game a little like maybe I dont and see if I get a better reaction from him. 

I have been doing this shit with him for 20 years. Can't we just live in peace together now. Im so over it. 

Friday, September 16, 2022

The struggle is real

 D came over today again. He was here all day Monday and today just a few hours. He was energetic like the days of when I first met him. If I thought he would take it I would have thought he would have taken a Viagra. He dick was thicker and longer than I have seen in months. As I was sucking his dick I felt so happy and enjoyed it so much. I liked making him happy. He always is touching me while I am sucking his dick. Rubbing my clit, or fingering me or touching my breasts but I just want him to stop. I just want to focus on what I am doing and I feel like it takes away from my dick sucking skills if I have to think about what is happening to my body. I suck his dick as he lays on my bed and I am on my knees. He tells me to stay where I am and he stands behind me and enters me from behind. The instant bliss hits me and I hear myself groaning so loud. He is fucking me hard and with such an intense rhythm. I cum over and over again. He is sweating a lot. I am sweating. I always think it is funny when we fuck like that my eyelids always sweat. Maybe they sweat in other times in my life and I dont notice it but for some reason the only time I notice the intense sweating is when he is fucking me. I could even feel him orgasm more poignantly then usual. We talked politics in between fucking and then it was time to go. I laid in bed and watched in as he washed in massive cock and cleaned himself up. His dick was like half way down his thigh. I love the way it looks after he fucks me. It is so full and hangs there with so much power. He is so confident in the way his dick looks. I think he loves it. 

We go downstairs and I make myself a bagel and he drinks a beer. We start talking about co-habitating. Now his energy is aggressive today and this conversation was no different. He was talking about my mess of a house and all the kids things and how "some things would need to change when he moved in". He wants the kids to pick up their belongings and so do I. But I am not willing to teach them to pick up after themselves by his discipline rules. He is sounding so stupid and I get real tired of it and remind him that my children are  my responsibility and his kids are his responsibility and he can choose what he does with his and I will choose what I do with mine. He does not like the tone I took, and the tone was not my favorite. I felt like such a bitch when I said and I was surprised at the vigor in which it came out of my mouth. It turned into an ugly conversation. I tried to explain to him things but he was not open to hear what I said and after he left I was not feeling good about our conversation so I gave him a call and I was not surprised that he did not answer. I called 2x today and he did not answer. I know he was driving all day and probably did not want to hear about my feelings. 

But here is the problem. D wants me to trust him. He wants me to trust everything about him and throw myself into him and know that he will do best by me. This is crazy. I do not trust him completely. After two failed long term relationships I trust no one and I will never be able to trust like I have in the past. And it is not about just me and him. In the bedroom and our relationship together I can give myself to him but family life and kids I would not be doing my job as their mother if I just allow him to come in and dictate what our family rules our. 

Also I have so many issues around submission in front of my kids. My mom was a women that "took care of my Dad" all the time. At meal times he complained if the table was wet from cleaning it, or if the butter was too hard to spread, he complained if she made stew too much, and she would jump up and get him whatever he wanted. To this day he gets mad if she is not home to make him food and in is fucking sickening. My sister and I watched his disrespect and my moms submission to him for years and swore that we would NEVER behave like that. Even today as I made myself a bagel, it took everything I had to ask him if he would like a bagel. If my friend was over I would ask her if she wanted a bagel and I would happily make it for her and if there was only one left I would give it to her with love and I would be happy to do so. But the thought of making it for a man, for doing it for him makes me ill. I almost feel embarrassed in my home to go through the motions of making food for a man in my own home. It takes SO MUCH OUT OF ME to just go through the motions of doing anything for a man in a domestic nature when it comes to food and domestic service. I know with JF and my ex husband I became more accustomed to this as time went on but it something that I had to talk myself through. 

I have to actually say in my head that "it is ok to make him a bagel it does not make you less than". Yet I will happily let him cum on me and other things to defile me and be his slave in the bedroom. 

So in the saga of me and D we are at a place where I do not know where we will land. The last few times he has been here he has been so easy-going and relaxed. I thought we have moved on from the negative place where he was a few months ago. There are bigger things that he is trying to tell me but I suspect he does not have the capacity to tell me those things. Remember we know men at least the men I like do not have the capacity to use their words. And he wants to control me with out being checked and he has not earned that privilege. I have never wanted to live a Dom/sub life 24/7 and never with my kids around. 

D ravished my body and now haunts my mind with all my musings of what I want from him. Today I want him here only weekly or on weekends. Based on his behavior today I dont want to be bothered. I love living by myself and the longer I do it the better it gets. I do find the lack of two incomes to be a struggle but lets be honest there will be struggle anyway I go. 

Friday, September 9, 2022

The Make Up Sex

 D called me last night and asked me if I contacted his brother, I told him I did. He was not happy about that. He does not want to feel checked up on I suppose. He was not mad enough that he did not come over. We did not have a lot of time. He drove 2 hours here, stay 2 hours and drove 2 hours back. 

I was working when I hear him come in the door. At my desk in my bedroom deep into work. He comes in and gets naked and I do the same. There is heat between us. I could feel the stress of us not seeing each other for a few weeks. He was aggressive and I know when he is in this mood that there will be pain with the pleasure. He defiantly pushed me today in terms of being able to "take" his giant dick in all the positions he wanted to try me in. 

The one that stands out for me is me on my hands and knees and him standing behind me. Him behind me standing gives him more leverage and as he got moving I moved away inch by inch trying to decrease his penetration but he just kept following me until we were both almost off the bed. He was impossible to get away from. It was almost like he was one step ahead of me with keeping the dick in me. He finally relents and I roll over in my pissed off way telling him that was too much. He then plays with my nipples and takes me to the edge of the pain that I can take and still enjoy. 

We talk a little bit. I talk about all the things I worry about when he does not call me and he assures me nothing will happen to him and asserts that there were extreme situation why he was not able to call. He did not want to debate it. It is was a lot of me talking about how I feel. I see that he tolerates my musings sometimes. This is what I wonder if it will get on his nerves. 

I ask him about the moving in situation. He said that is still the plan just waiting for the date from work. 

I ask him all the time about him "really" moving in. I am still in disbelief and I wonder if it will really happen. 

In general I feel like we are compatible with so many things. Our level of cleanliness seems to be on the same level, we seem to be ok with the level of communication. we are used to. A check in here and there and deep conversations as the spirit moves us. We believe in god on about the same level. We have a similar level of manners and general politeness to others. In other words, he will not embarrass me in public. He won't ever shame me for wanting sex. 

I do think about the ways in which we differ. A lot of the cultural things come to mind. The island level of relaxation comes to mind. I am always doing something. I rarely just relax. In that way maybe he will help me take more time for relaxing. (my optimism). I think about medicine too. I have a small basket of medication and vitamins in the kitchen. He looked at it today and said "you dont think you are doing too much". Most of them were supplements or vitamins and some regular meds but I thought to myself wait until he see what I take at night. I have a whole other basket of meds upstair. I need medicine to function at the moment and I am grateful that there is medicine that will help me with my depression. But I swear he will have to mention it every time. 

In some ways I view us as that preverbal "old married couple" meaning we know each other so well and have kind of accepted where we are with each other and who the other person is. He knows I am going to talk about my feelings regardless of what he says and I know he is never going to give me the warm fuzzy response. (or he will maybe 1 out of 10 times I talk to my about my feelings). D is good at giving me just enough love to keep me holding on but never the one to flood me showing of love. 

In my stalking of his ex wife facebooks page I saw she had put her relationship status as "its complicated" years ago when they were still together. She also did one of those facebook Q and A and I can not remember what question was but her answer was that she knew that D loved her even though he can't always show it.  Im not expecting miracles. He just is not the type of guy who will freely show his love. 

Saturday, September 3, 2022

The Wait

 This whole debacle with D does surprise me. I mean I really thought we were at a really good place that he would not do this again. I am also asking myself if I am dramatizing this and is there anyway possible he would think that this is not a big deal. I find myself believing that D would not intentionally hurt me and empathizing that he just does not have the ability to be 100% consistent. 

In the last few days I keep going over in my head what I will say when he calls me. I assume he will call me at some point. I am trying to mentally to prepare for that and what that will feel like. 

I am a little bit numb to the feelings of being hurt and or devastated by this "Ghosting". My abandonment issues are fierce and worse than that feeling of being abandoned is the fear of not seeing him again or not having him in my life. He knows this. He knows that I am forever in his service and we both know it. 

Again this is why there have been many times in my life I have repeated the pray " Please God take this man away from me". He owns me. He rules my mind and my heart and even on his worst day I will forgive him and move on. So much of my adult life has been touched by D. It is getting hard to remember a time where he did not occupy my mind. 

As I move around my house today, cleaning and listening music, I am feeling lost. Submissive women need to submit. It feels a little like ...what do I do now? Now what? 

Part of me really hopes that his brother said he is "ok" but ok means hospitalized because that way I would not feel slighted if he had not called me. I never wanted more for this man to be unwell. I just dont know how I am going to feel if I really talk to him and he acts like he did nothing wrong. 

And now for the part I am ashamed to admit. As per my previous post. Men SUCK. Seriously I can not be more serious and more passionate when I say that men are literally useless in general. I think men are nice to have about for dick obviously. Dildos and vibrators are great but they will not replace the real thing. And it is nice to have men around to frankly do the shit you dont want to do like kill things, bugs, trash, fix shit. It is nice if a man knows how to be a Dad and can teach an offspring how to do something and instill and sense of parental love in them. And there are some great men out there, I know that there are some men that are exceeding expectations but in my experience they all lack in something seriously. 

For example ... We have D excels in sex and is good company but fucking is struggling in so many areas of life. 

I was really just about to run down all the men I know but I think I will hold some of those thoughts to myself. I will comment on the Neighbor since he is the one I have been seeing lately, and he does not read this. But he is good at sex, good to talk to, kind, cares about his kids, clean, but he has sex with me while his wife is 200 yards away. And lets not kid ourselves into thinking I am the only one. 

And they there is the guy from Africa from last summer I dates for a few months. He is good looking, clean, smart, motivated, good at sex but seems to lack the alpha male trait I need. He comes across as weak to me. 

But then there is me. I am a really laid back kind and loving person, who loves sex. I am very open minded but I need A LOT of reassurance and I need a lot of sex. And just like the neighbor I have cheated on people and just like D I have fucked up some areas of my life, and just like the guy from Africa sometimes I am weak. So as I sit back and think about D and what he has done I wonder is it any different then the times I have cheated on D. Am I better than him or am I more deserving to be forgiven than him? 

I am not perfect and neither is he and so I sit and wait and I think about where this move of his will take us. Will I lose my trust in him that I painstakingly worked on developing this last year or so? Will I feel jaded like a woman scorn and just less amused with him? 

I am not sure what I will feel but something tells me I will never end something with D by choice. I am sure this is some form of toxic love but I am not in the mood to fight it. I just want to love the man I have been in love with for some many years. 

Now I keep waiting and see where my feelings bring me next and wait for that fuck face to call me. 

but really I just want him to show up and fuck me. 

Friday, September 2, 2022

Dead or Alive

 I have been deep in some turmoil this last week or so and I have not wanted to share it here. It just felt like too much, too personal, to raw to allow myself to talk about the the last two weeks. But tonight I realize I can not pretend that things dont happen. And this blog helps me because I will go back and read it and I will remember the turmoil that D has brought me and I will hopefully make choices based on this. So here we go. 

D called me 2 Fridays ago and said he would be at my house on Tuesday. Firm plan, there was no tentative date. He would ride his motorcycle or take his truck but either way he would be here Tuesday morning. Great. I took the day off of work and brought my kids to my moms. It was 930 and he was not here. I call him and his phone goes right to voicemail. I was not too concerned because if he was on his bike I know he would not answer but 9am turned to 12 and I did not here from him and I did not see him. I was irritated but deep down I was worried. His health history, his age, his long drive all made me worry about him. 

I still have not heard from him. For the first week I did not have a bad feeling about it. I was probably more irritated than anything but I really was not too worried about it. I assumed his phone died or maybe he got some bad news and retreated for awhile. I did not have too many feelings about it past Tuesday. I just sort of put it to the back of my mind and hoped for the best. And part of me felt like this is part for the course with him. But as one week has now turned in to 2 weeks with out hearing from him I am started to get worried. Two weeks is a long time for him not to call me, and his phone is still dead. And now I was feeling unsettled about. 

I search obituaries, and try to see if I can find something. Thankfully I dont find that, but I find nothing. I think about my options for getting a hold of him. I know that one brother of his and his sister in law in on facebook , his daughter is on Facebook and his older brother is on Facebook and other social media outlets. I reach out to his older brother. As I do this I know there is no going back. I am pretty sure D will be mad at me for this if he is still alive, but I also feel like I can not take a deep breath and I am so upset that I can not and will not just around and wait and see if he calls me. 

Lets remember, right before I found out I was pregnant with JF, D and I were getting more serious and he left my house one day and gave me a hug and said "I will call you tomorrow" and I did not see him again for 5 years.  It took him a year and half to call me to tell me he was in Trinidad helping his Dad, He said he could not remember my number and it took him a long time to get his phone records to get my number. He knows my number  by heart now so even if his phone is dead why is he not calling me. Did he go to Trinidad again, but why not fucking call me and let me know what is going on? I just can not think of a reason other than serious injury or complete asshole apathy for my wellbeing as to why he has not called me. 

So today his brother responds to me. I reach out to him in various outlets but he emails me back with "who are you and where did you get this email". I try to dance around who I am. I mean I told him my name was **** and evidently that did not ring a bell with him, so I guess D did not tell him about me. IDK. I tell him that I have know D for 20 years and that 2 weeks ago I was expecting him at my house and he did not show up and did not call and I was worried about him. I said I dont know if anyone if the family would know to call me if something happened to him and that I was just wanting to know if he was ok and that if he had a way to contact him to let him know I was trying to contact him. 

I am waiting for his brother to email me back. I am nervous. I feel like I am on the edge of learning something I dont want to know. Either something bad has happened to him or he does not love me and does not want to continue our relationship. I have been reevaluating all of the conversations and time we have spent together lately and I can't understand why he would just not call like this. 

Either way I am on the dawn of bad news. 

Looks like I forgot to post this last night, but I have an update. 

D, the fucking piece of self centered garbage is alive. According to his brother who said he was "ok" and asked me for my number and told him he would give me the message as soon as possible. 

So this asshole really stood me up and then never called me and just let me linger in the horrible abyss of not know what was going on. Everything is shattered in my mind. How can I believe anything he says. Did he not think of me for two weeks? Did he meet someone else? Did he go back to his ex wife? Does he not want to be with me? Is this his way for breaking up? Did he just think that this was ok? The questions are overwhelming me. I am trying to be calm but I am really stressed. I dont ask for much in life but the feeling of being ghosted is really overwhelming to me. Can you really ghost someone after 20 years, do people do that?

He is going to be mad I contacted his brother, but I am 100%right for that. And even with that I was vauge with his brother about who I am. I am sick with angst. 

Why are men such assholes? I mean really men are the biggest failure in the human experience, as a whole. They are really lacking in so many ways. 

THis is on the heels of JF not answering a text from me for the last 3 weeks. I finally asked him if he was alive and he responded. Do I do something that these men feel like I am not worthy of at least knowing if they are alive or not. 

SMH. If he calls what do I even say? What can be said at this point?

This man had me searching obituaries to figure out if he was dead or alive. That's not right. 

Sunday, August 28, 2022

Just like a gang bang

 I had to have a procedure on my eyes in the operating room today. It was not a serious thing but they need a tool that they only have in the operating room. But I was only getting local anasteic meaning I will be fully awake and aware. I had to take myself into a zone to to get to a place that I can relax that much to allow her to cut and stitch under my eyes and all around my eye lids. I get in there, and I still had to be naked under the gown to go into the OR and they lay you on the table and then all at ounce all these hands start touching you without your consent. If I we're under like most of the time people are I understand that just do what you need to but being fully awake and and alert it is weird as all these people ascend on to my body, They are moving me sticking things on me and just talking and talk about shit as I am ultra aware of everytime someone touches me. 

It was like  a gang bang. I get into the same zone. It is almost a the same you lay down and no one gets  your consent for anything as you being there is your consent, Hands all over you. sometime you can't quite tell what they are doing and you do know who it is giving pleasure or who is making you uncomfortable. you grab the man closest to you to hold on to him while your body shakes with orgarsm. 

Monday, August 15, 2022

Secret Super Hero

 D came to my house today. The kids were with my parents and we had the house to ourselves, which just simply means now that I can scream as loud as I need to.  I was really tired this morning. I did not get up til 8 and I was running a little behind to drop all the kids off. I rushed home to get a shower and went to lay down for a minute and he was there. It is 915am and he is ordering me to get my clothes "all the way" off and get in the bed. I must admit I was beat and did not know how I was going to do this marathon of dick for the day.  Things begin as they always do but good lord he was rough with me. Almost like he get a kick of caffeine or something and he comes at me with no reference for good and bad pain.  He just goes 100% balls to the wall fucking with wild abandon and today I was really in the mood for something more gentle. 

I ask him inquisitively what time he gets up for work, because I know how far he has to drive and replies 4am. He said he went to bed at 12m last night. I wish I could say this was unlike him but I know this man does not need sleep. I dont know how many nights we have spent together but I do know when he says he wants to "fuck all night" that is exactly what he means. He literally fucks all night with no down time. It is not just a figure of speech for him. Today, his sleeping patterns began to worry me a bit. I just thought to myself is this man going to let me sleep? If you read this blog that only thing that I need as much as I need sex is sleep. I need sleep so much that I was pretty much incapable of taking care of my babies in the middle of the night because I just can not do it. If I am too tired I dont hesitate to take time off work. There is this intense fatigue that hits me at a certain part of my cycle and I am defenseless to its intensity. I have learned just to give in. But Shit, he wants to fuck all the time and I want to sleep. I know he will wake me up with his dick, I just dont know if I can help him understand that if I dont get enough sleep I will be fucking miserable. 

He said to me "When I move in you are going to be so excited to get your period just so you can get a break". This is true. I know it is. I will also add a day or two to my reported period just to insure my body gets a proper rest. 

He does not even take a rest lately. Usually we will fuck and talk and sometimes watch tv. But the last few times he has been down there is no tv, and the talking is minimal. Christ today I am trying to talk to him about just regular stuff while he is trying to get his dick back in my pussy. I am not sure what has fueled this new energetic fucking. I miss some of the laying together we used to do. He used to sometimes take a 10-15 nap in between fucking and I would lay with my head on his arm and my arm wrapped around his waist and I would think how nice it would be if I could lay like this every night. 

He got a call from work that he needed to go pick up something down here and so I was like (in my head), this is fantastic. It is only 12:30 I  can run to the grocery store and lay down for the afternoon. When he tells the guy on the phone he will be there in 15 minutes I sigh with relief. But that was short lived and he goes to get up and says " I want to fuck you one more time". But after that I learned that he was going to take care of the work issue and was coming right back. Im not saying that I did not want to fuck him and that I was not having some amazing orgasms, because I was but I am exhausted. And I just did not know how I was going to make this happen all afternoon. 

Fucking D I can really do as little or as much as my body will allow me. Seriously I can just lay there and he does not complain. He will move me in ever position there is and make it work. He does love it when I fuck him but if I am kinda of checked out (which happens after hours of fucking sometimes) he will take over and he ALWAYS draws me in. I start off distant and tolerating his dick in my body and we always end with me crying out in ecstasy. I told him today he is like the Sex Super Hero. 

He has not even talked about my kids or my dirty house recently. But he is talking to me about other things. Today he shared some thing about his ex wife and I fucking loved it because she came out looking bad in it. I still wonder how she feels about me, if she blames me? 

I went to hug him when he was leaving and I grabbed onto him and reveled in his touch. I needed this touch after all the other touching today. 

In unrelated information, I was eating some marshmallows today and thought to myself these feel remarkably like a soft dick. In particular the way the feel on your tongue mimics the soft skin of a cock. I will never eat a marshmallow again with out being profoundly aware of this. 

I just thought about when I will blog when he is here. Usually I do it in my bed at about 8 or 9 when my kids go watch tv and I listen to some music and let the words come, but how will I explain this. And if he asked what it is ? Do I tell him is is a detailed report of every time we fucked and everytime I fucked someone else for the last 13 years, give or take. lol. There will be so much to work out. 

I wanted him to say to me today "Everything will be ok, we will work it all out", he says that in his own way sometimes but today he was not giving me the reassurance I was looking for. Today just left me drained. I wish I had his super powers!

Wednesday, August 10, 2022

Transitions

 The other day I opened my computer and it came up to my blog post " The Good Bye Tour" and it made me sad just to see that post title. Oh this really is a time of transition in my life. I am mentally preparing myself to make this choice again to put all the team members on the bench. 

Yesterday, D was in south jersey, not even close to me, but close enough for him to drive 100 miles out of his way to stop by for an hour and half. I see him pull up and let him in, the kids were home so he talked to them for a bit. The kids were deep in the midst of their electronics (as I had planned) so no one had time for him. We happily went up stairs. His dick out on his knees on my bed I go to suck his dick and he demands I get the clothes off. I comply but not all tougher wanting my nakedness on display, but he devours my body. He is touching all of me, like I am a fresh and new to him. He is touching me in a way that lets me let go of my fears and short comings. He dick is seemingly bigger to me. He looks swollen and massive and rock hard and the sweet tears fall from my eyes when he enters my body and I feel him stretching me. 

The way his dick feels is so different during the different days of my cycle. Right before my period I can take his dick with no problem. He can't hurt me with his dick if he tried, but good lord, just after my period I have really work hard to let him all the way in. He (most of the time) is good about working my way up to full penetration. We spend some time doing this and after about 20 minutes I am able to really fuck. It seems to be a new trend for us that he dick does not come out of me while we are together. He will cum and then we just keep fucking. This might be his best quality that he needs zero recovery time. 

He eventually tell me he wants me on top. He tells me to do it and I dont want to do it but I do, because what am I going to tell him No? That does not even cross my mind. I climb up on his dick and let my by body rest all my weight on it and I start to move in a way that feels good to me and he loves it. I lose myself in the dick and letting myself go. I feel good on top but it is not long before I catch myself. I become aware of my weight on his body and I feel like I am too much. I stops and he grabs my ass and pulls me forward and fucks me so fast and hard while my tits are in his face. It is amazing! I love that he gives me this experience and that his pushes my boundaries and makes me get on top. I love that he moves my body like  my body is light and it is no effort for him to move and manipulate me. This is also an AMAZING quality. 

He is fucking my ass and to my surprise I am so relaxed and it feels so good. I almost ask him about bringing another dick for double penetration while he is fucking me. SMH. It is like I lost my mind for a minute. It is not a good time for me to ask while he is fucking me. But that is like the only thing I have never been able to do and I still want to do it. 

When we were done he told me his work transfer has come through and that he was just waiting for a date. I was in shock. I did not have a lot of time to process this but my first reaction was kind of a empty shock. I can't say that I was excited or not just seemed surreal that it has actually happened like he said it will. It was like shit really just got real, but not in a bad way. I did not have any negative feelings just a realization that I am really on this road to being with D. After all these years, all the tears I cried for him, all the angst I have felt wanting him to love me and hug be, after the baby and marriages ending and ins and outs of our lives we are coming together. It feels so good. I feel so complete. 

I find myself going in and out of the two versions of myself. One day I will be at the Wawa and I will be oblivious to men and their comings and goings. I am not on the prowl and I am not exuding the fuck me energy. Then there are nights like tonight where I am in the Acme and every black man I see catches my eye. This love 45 year old ish black man, who stood next to me at the deli, smelled like D and it just makes me wet immediately. I did not want dick even. My body still hurts from yesterday but I wanted this strange man to put his hands on me. I wanted to be vulnerable and at his mercy. All of this while I stood in line at the deli. My short time in the store there were 3 other men that made me think about how good it is when a strange man touches your body. And all the feelings of letting a man control you and giving him what he needs. The man at the deli counter he had to feel my energy. 

I think I will be ok with D. I think I will have so much dick and so many opportunities to submit that I will feel fulfilled. I think but I dont know. I thought to myself some of the things JF did to me were so cruel. The systematic way he would ignore me when he did not like what I said was one of the most hurtful things I have ever been through. D needs space when he is mad but he does not ignore. There is a difference. There is a lot on my mind lately. A lot. 

Sunday, July 31, 2022

Goodbye Tour

 I was out late with my family and had some quiet alone time in the car while I drove. These are the moments that I live for; the quiet times in my life when everything else fades to black and I can use my mind to dive deep into my thoughts. And once I get these times to do this indulgence I always end up here. 

I watch a show called "Call the Midwife" on PBS. I have watched all 11 season probably 5 times over by now. I love it. There is this episode where there is a women who is pregnant and in labor but struggling to progress in her labor. The back story is this is her 9th pregnancy and she lost the 8 previous and this is the first child she has carried to term. And so during her long labor the midwife takes her through the process of remembering each pregnancy and talking about each child she named and lost and what hopes she dreams she had for them. And when she had purged all this information, when she had given voice to all the souls she grieved for only then her labor progressed and she was able to have the baby. And she delivered a wonderfully healthy baby. 

I am having this experience in my way. As I get my quiet time I am slowing recalling and reliving all the men, all the scenes, all the parties, all the places I have been fucked in all the ways. In my way I am on my journey of closing a chapter in my life so I can give birth to a new relationship. 

Tonight I highlight Ray. I dont know what pseudaname I had given him but tonight in my musings of him I think he deserves more than and initial. I met Ray when he stopped by my house looking for scrap metal. He is Jamaican and so naturally I was intrigued. He is not a particularly strong or muscular man. He is thin and tall. He voice was like a the sound of happiness to me and his dick was uncut. I dont know how we made the move to start seeing each other but it was so nice. He was always gentle and made me feel good. And he was caring. He was always there to help me. When I moved into my home he helped me paint this entire house and he helped me move in. He would spend the night with me sometimes. He is a hard worker. I love a hard worker. If things were different I could have seen myself with him. He is the type of man that I like; hard working and easy going and likes sex. I know I have talked about him before but after I had my son he stayed with me to help me. He helped me more than he could ever understand. Like two new parents we attended to this tiny baby, to which I did not know who the father was at this time. That same week my sister went in to early labor and gave birth to a very tiny sickly baby and my mom was spending a lot of time with her - understandably so. But my support system, my mom and sister, were both gone at a time I needed someone. I dont even think I asked Ray for help. I just remember him showing up for me. I talk with him from time to time. He does not live close to me now. I would like to hug him. After he moved away he did get circumcised. He was the only man I knew that could talk about sex before and after circumcision and he says it is better being circumcised. That surprised me! Maybe there is something to it. 

Then as I drove, I past this truck place and B would go there for work and would stop by me and see me. I liked him too. I remember we had some really good conversations. I liked him as a person and I loved the way he hit me. He was so good at the spanking and roughing up. I am going to go ahead and say the best ever in the department. We did not see each other too much. I wish it could have been more. He text a few months ago but by that time I am just a little too far gone with D. 

I drove past the Target truck parking lot at the warehouse and I thought of the trucker. Oh the trucker has so much potential. He seems to be all over the place in terms of his life. He is painfully inconsistent and that kind of inconsistency invokes the feeling of risk. I have to mitigate my risks in my kind of lifestyle. It makes me sad because I did like him too. 

I like a lot of people. I like the newness of people and getting to know people and I am fascinated about how differently sex goes down with each man. It is never the same thing twice. Each man has their own style about them. I think I have had enough of trying out new dick though. As much dick as I have had nothing has made me happy like D dick makes me. Sometimes new scenes and new places add flair but I am ready - I think- to not have to worry about condoms and fear of stds and getting murdered when meeting a random new man. 

D sometimes talks about how we only have sex in the bed. And I am like, yeah, I pay a lot of money for this house and the bed is the best place to fuck in it. I feel like I have fucked in so many places, with so many variables and kinks that maybe I did everything that interests me. At least for now. I can't think of a single sex scene that I want to have enough to act on it at this time. There is mild interest but when I think about what if D were to find out a bout it - it becomes quickly unworthy the risk. 

Having said all of that, I never delete text messages on my phone and I was going through some all conversations with some random people. I wanted to delete them but I could not bring myself to do it. Like it was some weird insurance policy that if I need random dick at least I have some leads. It is crazy. There is so much thought when it comes to my team of dicks. 

I hope these men think of me and remember me for being easy going and friendly and a good fuck. Like I hope that in their quiet moments I might pop into their head and bring a smile to their face.

I spoke to D the today. He called m on his way to work today. I was on the phone with my boss and I put her hold to take his call. I told him I was on the phone with my boss and I just took his call but I was not sure if he wanted anything, in his super smooth voice he say "No I did not want anything, go ahead and do what your doing, I will catch up with you later" It was the perfect amount of conversation for me. It was a check in so I know he is thinking of me, but nothing more was needed. I always felt like I needed a lot from men in relationships but I dont. I just need the right type of attention. I need dick and check in and good conversations in bed after we fuck. Not much. I finally am letting myself figure out what I need vs what society tells we should have or what a relationship should look like. 

Wednesday, July 20, 2022

Rape On the Brain

 I had everyone packed up in the car and arriving early for Summer Camp today. My plan was to come home do a meeting and then fuck D all day. Lay in bed naked and touching and just enjoying each others company.  About 10 minutes into my meeting I get the call from summer camp that I had to pick up my youngest because she threw up all over herself.  D was already here so I was going to have to make it work. 

I came into my house from picking her up. He was already here and dug through my drawers until he found a butt plug that I have. He was excited to try it out, I was like "damm, do I have to".  I settled my daughter downstairs and she fell asleep and I got to work. Sucking dick and fucking. We did try the bug plug and it was fucking amazing. It gave my body the time to adjust and when we took it out and fucked he was able to fuck my ass like he has never before. AND I loved it. He fucked me from the side from the back, up on my knees bent over, I had to ask him to fuck my ass harder. I loved it. What I was really wanting was him to fist me while he was in my ass but we did not get there. I did not ask for it and it did not occur to him. I am almost ashamed to admit I was so resistant to using the but plugs like  I was. 

We had fucked most of the day. And we were laying in bed together and I was just talking about how I was putting some aquaphor on my pussy lips because there was a lot a friction and they were stinging. And how I need to go down stairs and spend some time with my daughter. And he said "you are saying no more" and I say in the most sweetest way "well I will never say no, but I thought that you seeing that I was in pain and knowing I want to check on my daughter you would want to call it a day, but I am not saying no" he smiled sweetly and said "that's my girl" and then added "give me 20 more minutes" and so I did. 

We spent sometime together downstairs talking with my youngest and having snacks. He was eating junk food which surprised me. I have never seen him eat junk food like that. He is loosing weight. He looks a little different that he has lost weight but I still look at his face and fall in love all over again. In bed I want him to lay his body on me but that felt werid to ask so I would just snuggle him when we were taking a break. 

My mind was consumed with rape while we fucked. I thought what if he was raping me - how would I feel? Would I cry? I tried pretending that he was raping me while he was on top of me fucking me. Feeling my body shift with each thrust of his dick and thinking to myself he is raping me and I am too scared to fight back. I got very in my head about it. I could not achieve the orgasm from this thought process because as soon as things got close my mind would take me somewhere else. And then I would come back to rape again. 

I hug him and he hugs me. I hang on him a few minutes because I want to keep touching him. We are getting along nicely today. I have been working 11-12 hours days and have not had the time to keep my kitchen clean, or the rest of the house. I thought I would hear him bitch about it but he just said "you will get to it when you can" What a switch from the last nonsense I had to hear. 


D and I had a conversation about how I am not quite back up to my level I was when we first met and I was like you bean when I was 20. He said I am the same as I was as a 20 year. I said no you are  not and he put me on the spot and asked what was different. I could not tell him, his dick takes longer to rise , and it does not get rock hard like it used to. He urged me to tell him but I could not.That would hurt his feelings I think

Saturday, July 16, 2022

Hugs

 The other day I had a rare moment of my house being free of kids and I invited the neighbor over. He walked to my house and saw a black man about 500ft from my house and frantically text me wondering if knew that man. It freaked me out at first because I thought what if D was just showing up.... that would not be good. Alas, I told him I do not know that man please just come in. 

He gets upstairs and I walk over to him and he hugs me. He hugged me. And I was really surprised by this and more surprised when I felt myself leaning into him and letting him hold me for a few seconds. I inhaled his smell and just soaked up this affection. Then things went right into their normal routine and he fucked me hard. I hear myself groaning, I even squirted a little bit and then he came inside of me. We talked a few minutes about life and we parted ways. 

I sheepishly told my friend about the hug and all the feelings that I had about it. There was something new about this white man hugging me. I dont know it was different because he was white but it was something about it that it just hit different. I hate to put this into words but it might have felt a little bit like a parental hug from my father. 

I am also a little bit deprived because I have not seen D in a bit. I dont even know how long, but too long. My body needs touching from someone other that my kids. My kids are always hugging me of laying on top of me and if they are not on top of me they are right next to me. As I write this my youngest is laying right next to me, touching me like we could be conjoined twins. I  need touch but not even sexual but maybe just intimate touch. 

I only spoke to D for about 30 seconds this week. I took his call while I was at work and had to step outside because I was eating lunch with my staff at the time he called. He said he had to get his phone repaired and did not have it for the week and just picked it up and called me. We talked about next week and made a vague plan. I really want to lay in bed with him all day. I want to lay my head on his arm while I snuggle into him until he flips me over and fucks me from the back. I am desperate for adult time. The last month has really been daily swim lessons, pool time and work. I just want my time to do what I do to feed my spirit and what I do is sex. 

It has been bad that I have thought about all the players in my life and I have been beating the idea of calling the local guy again, and I dont know where the trucker has been. And that one guy from Trinidad I dont even know what I called him but I like him. I like the sound of his voice and how he fucks and I miss that too. I miss it all. I think this is all resolvable with a little bit of time with D but we will see how I feel. 

If I had more free time I would be more inclined to go out and have some fun, but right now I am just kinda of seeing how things go for the next week. 

Wednesday, July 6, 2022

When you are Happy and you know clap your hands

 So men have feelings too...They teach us as children when we are happy clap our hands and when we are sad to frown. Why do men lose this? What happens to when you are embarrassed and hurt you acknowledge it? Can't we sing a little song that says when someone hurts my feelings I let them know in a respectful way. 

I am just in my own world again or still. These kids are with me all day every day and my day is spent working and when I am not working I am cooking, cleaning, entertaining, working on sight words, shoe tying and making sure chores get done. But in the stillness that sometimes come when I am just fluttering around being a Mom things just pop into my head, things and people. 

Today it was this man I saw like 1.5 ago. He lived about 30mins away from me and had his own place. He was close enough that I could drive there, fuck and drive back and be back home in two hours. It was good in that respect. He was clean, his place was nice and from what I remember he had a nice dick but I dont remember the details of it and the sex was good. We only fucked twice and he never called me again. When I first went to meet him he was nervous, I was not nervous but I was busy and I did not have the time for his shenanigans. I mean he asked me if I wanted to watch a movie for christ sake. I can't imagine what he was thinking - a movie. I want to make a movie but hell no I do not want to watch a movie with this stranger. 

I pulled him close to me and pulled his dick out and just got things started. I remember there was a lot of awkwardness in the air. He was hard and he was fucking me but I could tell he was not comfortable. The second time was much the same. Maybe it was just our chemistry or maybe he did not like feeling like a live dildo. And so today as I wiped down the kitchen counters he popped in my head and I really thought on that a moment. I was so dominate that I was just using him for what I needed and without a whole lot of regard (lets be honest no regard) for how he felt. Maybe that is why he did not call me again. 

As a women I feel like we are brought up to believe that men have less intense feelings then we do. We believe that men are inherently different than women. And they are different but I think men have many more emotions than I have ever really noticed. I know it sounds ridiculous but ATTN MEN if you dont show your feelings in a way that I understand what you are trying to communicate then I dont know you have feelings. Maybe it is me, I am super literal and I have said it before but I am positive I am on the Autism Spectrum. But it is men too because some of these fools dont know how to use their big boy words and say "that really hurt me". 

My ex-husband would not tell me that he did not want me to sleep with other people when he had a problem with his dick. And he would not say he was too embarrassed or scared to go to the doctor so instead he said "go have sex with other men" and when I line up a 9 man - all black gang bang, I am the bad guy. Had he said he was struggling I would have helped him and waited for him and worked with him, but I took what he said as the actual thing he wanted. 

JF showed his true colors when he would say he did not care that I had sex videos etc, until he saw that then he flipped the switch. Maybe he did not know he would get so angry but good god he was mad. And did he say his mad - Nope, he shamed me and called me a slut instead of saying how he was really feelings. 

Then again D, I tell him he hurt my feelings and he says " you are the only one with feelings". My answer to that is yes because I am the only one that shows my feelings. He told me he was still mad at me for fucking the local guy and that I told him he give great oral sex! And since I have told him that, D in fact has stepped up his oral sex game and it just occurred to me why. If he just could have said how he felt in the first place then I could make the choices about have sex with other people with that knowledge, but to throw it up in my face like I am supposed to know it. He always says I should know he loves me....should I man because I dont, or I didn't before. I see it now as we have beaten that topic into the ground but for more than a decade I could not tell if I was just an easy fuck or if he really loved me too. 

This week there will be no fucking. I have my period and I have the kids. We are going to an amusement park Friday with friends and Saturday to another park with JF. JF and I will be together all day. I got feelings about it. I pretty sure I am going to micro dose and edible so I can get through the day without thinking too hard on anything. 

Friday, July 1, 2022

Quirks

 This week has been a long one. I worked from home all week. My kids were with me all week. My oldest is working and then went over her Dad's overnight this week to finish her last assignments for her college classes. My best friend who is my neighbor is on vacation for the week. D could not come down this week because my Mom would not watch my kids because the youngest was sick and I made it through the week but good lord tonight I am lonely. I am really lonely. It should also be noted that I am expecting my period in 7 days and the hormone shifts have been intense this month. I could feel the shift in hormones by the hour.  I could feel the progesterone levels dipping as the fatigue set in, as the deep rage began to surface, and tears began to sit on standby and as the food cravings kicked my ass. So not a stellar week this week in the big picture of life. 

I had been really working on my health the last 2 weeks and managed to loose a few pounds. I am confident that I have gained that back with the food I have been eating. I dont even eat a lot in general. I usually will eat because I am tired or I have a headache but rarely because I am hungry. I just dont feel hunger as I once did. But the food cravings had me eating constantly. I am afraid to even get on the scale. I dont want to be disappoint in my lack of progress. 

I have also started exercising. This is really for no other reason than I feel my lack of stamina when I am having sex. D always has been thinking about being in prime condition for fucking and I know that I been in such a bad place mentally that I stopped doing some basic things that are good for my body - good for my fucking with my body. Stretching - I have been slacking in that department and you know over 35 your body started to become less forgiving. I have not been walking or exercising I have just been existing. So I am proud of myself in that regard. It feels good to be moving in the right direction and have the energy to do it. 

My ex-husband and I have had a rough week. I was not thrilled that he had my daughter every night this week and then thought he was going to have her spend the entire weekend there too. We have no butted heads in many years and by no means is it a fight or anything dramatic but he is getting on my nerves. So many times I am reminded of why we would have never worked out. I dont even know what I was thinking when I was with him. I met him when I was 17 - such a baby. I did not know myself well and I was just going through the motions. Although this week with my daughter not at home every night I felt this weird empty nest sense. Of course there were two other kids here but generally it was weird not to have the three of them around. It is defiantly a shift and I am not sure if I liked it. 

And the youngest was sick so she was VERY clingy. She was literally touching me 90% of the time this week. And she was not touching me she was 2 feet from me. This is hard on me. The constant touching is hard for me to process. It is over stimulating and feels like a noose at times. But there is other times we will happily lay on the couch together and she will literally lay on me and that pressure feels good. I have a lot of quirks when it comes to the sensation of touch. I always have. I like pressure on me. As an adult a weighted blanked feels good but as a kid my sister would pile all the pillows on top of me and lay on top of it and I found that pressure so soothing. Clothes are the other part of touch I struggle with. When I shop I shop by touch. I go through the racks and feels things and then if I like the feel I will look at it. I do this with my kids clothes too. I can't put them in clothes that dont feel good to me. My socks are the best when they are worn so thin that you can see through them. The same with my bath towels, I have nice towels for other people but for me I have my own set of very thin worn towels that feel the best to me. I occasionally have to use a new towel and I hate it. I think most people would not think of that but touch really dictates how I live. 

I am always trying to minimize my belonging. It is a constant goal because I need to live in an uncluttered space and with three kids they are alway accumulating crap. So today I am trying to throw away a shirt that I have not worn in 2+ years. It is so soft and comforting but it is see through and I would only wear it home with a tank top or as part of a layering thing in the winter. I tried but I could not let it go. It is too comforting. 

I recently bought some vintage arylic blankets of eBay. Acrylic blankets from the 80s are my thing. They are amazing! And you can not buy them in stores for years but everything about them is comforting to me. Even the poor quality ones that never soften up, still good!

So anyway, Lonely is the theme of tonight. I played sand with my daughter for like an hour, made dinner, laid on the couch and did this and that is about it. I am really hoping tomorrow will somewhat more exciting for me. I really can't wait for my friend to come back from vacation. That might be a lot of my loneliness. I usually talk to and see her every day. 

Friday, June 24, 2022

Right to Raw

 To quote someone very funny off of Facebook "what a beautiful day for a dumpster fire" and that is just what today has become. I am sickened, absolutely sickened by the Supreme Courts overturning of the constitutional right to an abortion. I listen to NJ 101.5 a lot and I tuned into today to hear men calling in talking about how this is good and abortion should not be birth control and we need to look at our morals. Chills runs up my arms as I write this, no women is using this as birth control. Abortions are hard on your body and if for not other reason no women would willing put themself that kind of hormonal hell over and over again. And if she does it is likely she does not have the basic skills needed to care for herself or another human being. It is devastating to me that my sisters throughout this country might be finding themselves this very day in need of an abortion and have no where to turn. I am not angry as I felt like I would be but I am scared. I am is a quiet fearful place where I am acknowledging how my life has been improved and sustained because I had access to abortions. Where would I have been if I lived in a different place in the world where I could not get an abortion. It surreal. 

" If every time men had sex, they risked death, physical disability, social shunning, a life altering interruptions of their education or career, and the sudden life long responsibility for another being, I think the'd expect a choice in the matter"

I think about fucking the neighbor and I have happily let him cum inside of me but the IUD is not 100% effective. It is like 99%, which are good odds but are they good odds if I loose my right to get an abortion. And as a person who has had abortions in the recent past let me say, they are not easy to come by even in NJ. It is a process!! Your doctor can not do it. You have to go to Planned Parenthood. Then you have to try to get an appointment. (And there will be less appointments as more out of staters come here for their care). There is often a wait for service, so you take any appointment you are offered and that is after calling all the locations to find one that offers abortions. You have to move quick so you can get the Abortion pill otherwise you have to have the procedure done and that is not for the faint hearted and is not good for your body. You miss work that whole day because you have to drive about an hour from work, you wait there, you see the doctor, you take the pill, you drive home and lie to your partner about where you have been and why you dont feel well. The next day you take the 2nd pill and you wait for your body to do its work. You have to make another appointment to go back for an ultra sound to make sure your body empties fully and if you dont go back and your body did not empty fully you can die from the infection that will take hold in your body. Then the hormones in your body fuck up your body, your mind, you grieve for the life that just could not happen and you grieve for the trauma you just endured. And you do all this because you know that having that child would have been so much worse. 

So I tred carefully with the thoughts of who I allow in my body at the moment. Not because I use abortion as birth control but because abortion is an option that can get me out of a bad situation. How can I willingly let a man I do not want to have a child with cum in my body or even enter my body without a condom? It is too scary. 

I know it is legal here in NJ, but for how long? And how many hoops will I need to jump through? Will insurance not cover it? I remember when I had an abortion when I was 17, I had to borrow $200.00 from my sister to get it done. 

So think about this men, when the women you want to fuck raw tells you no because she is afraid of pregnancy, who did you vote for? 

Wednesday, June 22, 2022

Parental Exhaustion

 D called me back today. I had gotten out of my funk of missing him but I still took the opportunity to let him know how I was feeling. I said something to this effect:

    Are we just going to see each other once a month for the rest of our lives...he says No and I just keep talking... I tell him that I really missed him when he left the other day and I am having a lot of feelings about not seeing you regularly. So what is the plan. He says that he is taking things day by day at the moment as he is waiting for this transfer to come in. (He was told in Aug. a position near me would open up).  

I feel so connected to him in this moment. I feel like he hears me and he knows that I want and need more then I am getting from him. 

I take the opportunity to try to talk to my oldest about the possibility of D moving in. We talked about it about 3 months ago and she was surprised but she ok with it. Well today she just told me No and reverted back to a very 4 year old child and yelled at me how she hates him and she does not want him here. 

This took me out of my zen. First, her behavior was very immature and I thought to myself that this child still has a lot of growing to do. But I am also thinking why does she not want me to be happy. She must see how happy he makes me and always have. This is the child who at 5 said to me "why dont you just marry Desmond, I can tell you love him". Desmond is not a new to my life and not to hers but she had such a visceral reaction I just thought could I really have him move in if she is this angry? 

And I am also a little bit done of catering to my children. I have been parenting for 16 years and I am fucking exhausted. My kids get me all my free hours. I have never been away without them, I dont have relationships that they know about, I dont talk to men or even friends in front of them. All they see me is Mom, and in the last two years they have seen Mom in Work Mode but they know so little of me. I am so fucking tired of being just their mom and not having the time and energy for anything else in my life. I wam a person outside of them. I had a full life before I had them and for the most part I stopped doing almost everything I loved so I could be a parent all the time. I never went on date nights with their father because I did not like leaving them. If I have not been working I have been with them. And having sex has always been like an appointment I have had to schedule. When my oldest was little, I would have to go out after she was asleep so I did not miss her bedtime routine. When I did go to fuck parties I felt constant guilt for the time I did not spend with her. It was hard but is was a labor of love. I love these kids so much and I just wanted them to always have me near them. Our children are with us for such a small part of their lives I just wanted to maximize my influence on them and keep them safe. But for real I am like done. My youngest is 5 and I feel like I have ran the race and I need something for myself. 

And I know that D and I go back and forth with the living together. It is a roller coaster, but I am 99% sure it will happen. Maybe this year maybe in 5 years, but I can not imagine my life without him and I am taking the opportunity to do something for myself. 

I know sex is not a worthy reason but my ENTIRE adult life all I have ever wanted was sex in my own house and not have to plan or go out to fuck. Just think about that for a minute. Something that is so natural and needed by your body is something I have had to keep secret and plan on the down low my ENTIRE adult life. I am fucking exhausted. I want to roll over at night and have my dick. 

Now with JF I had a little bit of this but he did not like sex like me. He would be happy to have sex one time a week if that. But with D sex will be something I dont have to think about. It will be there when I need and when I dont. I won't have to beg for it, I won't be made to feel guilty for wanting it. Sex is so much a part of who I am and I how I define myself how many more years can I deny myself regular sex. 

Im aggravated with it all. I know that living with D will have it challenges, but I have put up with so much shit with men over the years why am I questioned for wanting to bring D into my life, even though he may cause some stress. 

There is a brief second wanted to walk away from motherhood today. I just want to be done. And as I finish this the tears are starting to flow down my face. It is so fucking hard being a parent. You love these little people with everything you have and you will give your life for them in a heartbeat, but sometimes you have to remember to take care of yourself. 

Tuesday, June 21, 2022

Peaceful Easy Feeling

 D did not answer my calls this weekend, but as soon as he got up this morning he was texting me about coming down today. He said he just left his phone in his truck all weekend and he worked the weekend as well. I was irritated that I could not confirm Monday with him but he said it was a firm commitment so I should have known. When he says he is coming for sure then he will be here for sure. I was aggravated and really thought I dont even want to be bothered, but God knows I needed the dick. 

I gather my children up to take them to my moms, and my oldest is crying because I woke her up and she does not want to go to my moms and it is chaos in the morning. So I left her home to sleep and thought to myself we are just going to have to fuck with her in the house. I am done hiding. It is just sex and I am doing it. 

So I go to take the kids to my moms and I wear my pajamas, my favorite pjs, a t-shirt dress, no bra and I did put on some panties. Then I go to pick up D. He was dropping a truck off for repair about 1 mile from my house so I pick him up in my pjs. This time he did not seem to notice or he did not care, he usually complains about it. We got back to the house and I need a shower and to brush my teeth, he does not complain about that either. He just waits for me in the bed naked. I get in the bed and start sucking his dick and he starts moving toward my pussy and we ended up side to side 69 and it was nice. He has been big on this 69 lately.  I dont love 69 but today was ok. Usually it is too much at once and I can not enjoy one activity if I am working on him. 

The sex was amazing like it always is. At one point we were spooning and he had his dick in me and just finished humming and I get help him there and let myself feel the dick loose its power and stay connected for a few minutes, but just about 2 mins later I feel his dick growing in me again. And we fuck again. 

This was a full squirting all over me,,, that shit was spraying in my face when he would thrust into me. It was hot, but we were covered in it. 

He fucked me on my back, on my knees, on my side, he reversed on top and put his dick in that way /(that was NICE)

We laid there and talked about life, but we did not talk about moving in. I did not want to talk about it and I assume he does not either  I feel connected to him again but now.... and then I fell asleep writing this. 

Today D is still heavy on my mind. I woke up this morning and as I wiped myself from peeing I instantly thought of D touching my pussy and how I wish I was waking up to his dick. This kind of got me in a sad place because I do want that bliss of waking up to dick and not having to wait for it. He called me early this morning, pretty much to talk about the fucking. He does this a lot. I know he likes it when he calls me to talk about it. As we relived the memory I wanted to talk to him about why can he not just come here for the weekend? He did not answer me at first but then he kind of gave me some bullshit reason. I am not talking every weekend but shit once a month....I did not like his response. It was not his words that bothered me but the fact that he was saying he could not / would not and where does that leave me. 

I sat with those feelings for the day and I worked up nerve to call him back and talk about my feelings but his phone was not ringing and then the second time I called he did not answer. And I am not calling again. But for me where does it leave me. I am STILL in the pseudo relationship that gives me just part of what I want. And while I am not a believer that is possible for one person to give us all that we need, he does not want me to be with other men so then I really have choose do I want D or do I want a regular relationship. 

And my gut always tells me I want D. I believe his is my person in this life, my lobster if you will, (as lobsters mate for life) I dont want to do life with out him and yet I find myself doing just that a lot of the time. When he is present and correct he is amazing and checks off all the boxes but when he is distant his lack of love hurts and leaves me bewildered. He is so up and down and that is a lot to tolerate but I will happily do it. We have been talking about this living together for a long time and I dont think I have felt any peace around it. There is always something in the way - money, kids, expectations, etc... 

But today I was intensely in need of dick. I had about 20 minutes to myself this afternoon so I played the video of D and I fucking and made myself cum. Then me and kids went to Walmart to pick up our grocery order. I missed my exit and found myself having to go through this town that was and still is my go to fuck town because it has lots of cheap hotels. I remember all the times of meeting D and all the other men there and I grew nostalgic for the fucking meeting with strangers. The nerves of sitting in my car and taking a deep breath before I exited to embark on an hour or two of carnal pleasures and wondering if this will be the one who ends up killing me or if some weird shit is going to happen. I miss that kind of excitement. I miss the going out for a fuck event and just knowing that you were going to go somewhere get naked and get the shit fucked out of you. And you would leave with the orgasmic glow and peaceful easy feeling I can only get from multiple orgasms. 

I finally made it to Walmart and the guy who came to the car was a young black man and he leaned on my car window and like was in my car, and shit that was all it took to have me thinking about taking his dick. That was it. I liked the way he leaned into my car like he was confident. There are some things about fucking young men that are nice. That ridiculous misplaced confidence is one of them. And they tend to fuck vigor. 


Sunday, June 19, 2022

Father Day Funk

 Father's Day is a holiday that even though I try to not participate in the feelings keep coming. As a rule I do not acknowledge Mother's Day or Father's Day. I love my parents but something about celebrating their role as my parent does not feel like I am be authentic to my own trauma. I have really forgiven and moved on but there are just things that push my boundaries and bring back bad feelings and acknowledging these holiday is probably the worst for me. However, my mom asked me specifically to do something for my Dad because she said it hurts his feelings when I do nothing. Doing nothing is my life line but I dont want to make my Dad sad. I do love him and I am super grateful for most of the things he taught me and for giving me life and  if we carve out the alcoholism then he was a great Dad. SMH even writing this I am getting upset. I decided me and the kids would make him some food. I went to get the ingredient and I was angry doing it. My neighbor, the saint, helped my kids to make it and baked it and packed it up for me, while I sat in here kitchen and tried to make sense of all the feelings that I was feeling. I was anxious about bringing it over. I took it over as fast as I could. We did not stay long because JF was picking up the kids and as soon as I left that house I felt better. 

JF picks up the kids, and he speaks to me today. He asked me "how are you doing"? The kids were excited to go with him and happy to see him. He brought them back and we went to spend the afternoon at a pool with my ex husband and his fiancé. (My ex-husband is my oldest daughters father, no biological, D is her bio dad). My exhusband has been the most amazing father to my daughter. I could not have asked for a better man to help me raise this girl of mine. I literally can not complain about a single thing. He lives and breathes for her and loves her unconditionally. And his fiancé , she is amazing and sweet and lovely and if I had be pick a step mom for my daughter it would have been her. My ex husband renews my faith that men know how to be good dads. 

I come home to talk to my mom on the phone and before I know I am crying about how much I miss JF and how much I still love him. It is not lost on me that if we were to be together then we would have to live together and that feels like some bullshit I am not down for. And I dont think after he found the sex tapes (which for the record he saw ten years ago) he sees me in the same way. I think too much has been said and too much has been done. But I love him and if I could I would want to be with him,,,but I think that ship sailed. 

D is suppose to come over tomorrow morning, but I called him twice to confirm but he did not answer.  He is becoming very unreliable. 

Tuesday, June 14, 2022

For never was a story of more woe...

...then that of submissive girl and her Romeo. 


I don't know what it is about D and I that there is so much push and pull between that it has left me exhausted today. We have not talked in a few days. I have had my period and there was not much to talk about. He called today. I was indifferent about his call. It felt a little bit like a duty to answer it but I had an open mind. I went out to sit on my porch and see what he had to say. And just like the last time when I mentally feel disconnected from him he comes blowing back into my mind like a tornado. We talked about 40 minutes and he wanted to face time - we have never face timed before, but today he wanted to see me. He was throwing words like "baby girl" around and he was likable for the most part. 

It did not hurt that he looked so good on face time, his dark brown skin in his tank top and gold chain and his salt and pepper beard. He really does it for me. The look with the voice, it really does not take much for me get lost in the conversation. 

At about the 30 minute mark he started talking about kids again. He was less stupid then he usually is but still it is rubbing me the wrong way. I told him I had to pick up my daughter and I had to go. 

Why does he come swinging back every time I feel like I can let him go? It is like we just continue this ridiculous dance together. We are stuck in this ebb and flo and we never get on the same page at the same time. It feels a little like Romeo and Juliet. "Two star crossed lovers" who keep missing each other and never get to experience the full potential of their attraction. 

The neighbor reached out to me today. He wanted to play but I could not today since the kids were home. He made sure he told me how much he enjoyed fucking me, which frankly is good to hear. It never hurts to hear that from anyone. 

It seems as though I feel open to sex again and people just appear in my life. Some read the blog and have gotten wind of my desire to work with my team of dick again but other just maybe felt my universal energy that I am down to fuck again. 

I do think that is weird too. There was a time in my life where I would have thought that the energy that one puts out into universe is fleeting and non-consequential, but not anymore. Too many things seem to coincide with my energy and the things I think about to believe it is all a matter of chance. 

The most glaring example is my 2nd baby. I said out loud to my mom "I dont care who I have a baby with but I am having another baby". 12 days later I found out I was pregnant. This was years after trying to have another baby with D  to no avail. But of all the things the stressed me out about my divorce it was the  thought of not being able to have another baby. 

I think D feels my energy, even if he is not full aware of it, he senses it. Maybe it is my tone of voice or the words I choose. Maybe it is my subtle disrespectful replies I give him but he feels it. And not that I feel this magical closeness with him again but here I am in the same place I have been so many times before. I am low key aggravated with him for not being this man two weeks ago when I needed it. And I question my own loyalty and ability to love a man through the lows and highs.