All I Ever Wanted

 He got to my house at 830a, as soon as I pulled up from dropping my children off at school. I was regrettably in my pajamas and slippers and as I caught his eye getting out the car I felt embarrassed. He of course asks me "why do look like that". I tell white lie and say that I was running late today but in all truth I take the kids to school everyday in my pajamas and slippers. 

He comes in the house and checks out the fridge. I dont know what he is looking for exactly or if it is just his way of checking the house out as he always does. He did not comment on the toys and the mess downstairs but when we got upstairs the room had pillows on the floor, kids clothes, etc and he did say "damm I need to step over shit", he says it in a joking tone as he picks up the pillows and sits down on the bed to get undressed. I take my place to suck his dick and he says to me you better put it all in there before it gets too big. I push myself to take all of him in my mouth as his dick grows in my mouth. When I get tired of sucking it we seamlessly move to fucking. There is a lot of touching today. As he was laying on top of me and I was touching his body and his face pressed against mine I thought to myself I never need another man as long as I live. This man makes me feel loved, he did today anyway. I felt his love in the way he spoke to me, by the way he touched me but the way our bodies know each other so well that we fall into a dance that needs no thought. There is not a thought about what I am touching or how I sound or how I look. There is just passion and lust and love and pleasure. 

We fuck a few times, for maybe 3 hours and then we sleep for a little bit. He gets up and gets dressed and asks me if I want anything from the store. Usually I go to grab us something to eat on these all day fuck tests but it was nice for him to ask me and dare I say, take care of me. 

We eat and fuck some more and then I have to go to my rental property so he can look at some work I need done. We drove over the to the house and just had the nicest easiest conversation. We got to the house and it was nice to be with him in front of someone else, to be seen with him. While we were there he called me by my name. Oh this made me happy to hear my name come out of his mouth, I like the way he says it, I like the way his accent gives it character. He had to get up on the roof and I stood at the bottom of the ladder watching him work up there and feeling so immensely in love. I stood there and smiled while I watched him. We talk like friends, he gives me a look and we just laugh together, it was so seamless. These are the times that have made me fall in love with him over the years. He is so capable of being loving and attentive at times and maybe we all are able to do this sometime and maybe he is just like everybody. I have times where I dont feel so loving and connected to someone. 

We spend about an hour there and head back to my house to fuck a little bit more before he goes. We fuck again and I tell him I need to go and he slips his body down and easily moves my body to so he can enter my body again. I am laying on my back with my legs spread as he fucks me and we are both just about to cum and I hear someone outside. It is my oldest, here with her Dad to pick up something she needs. Thank god I had the door locked. She knocked at the door and I jump up to throw clothes on the he and I laugh and try to figure out what it is we are supposed to do. I go downstairs and my ex comes in with my daughter and while she is in here room getting her stuff I tell him to "please get out of here as quickly as possible". He laughs and says ok. I go back upstairs and we fuck some more. 

I love these days I spend with him. I think about all the hours we laid in this bed and I feel so rejuvenated by the love and attention my body needed. We talked more about him living with me. We talk about the kids and the jobs that he is applying for and the plans for the future. It all feels so right. It really could not have been a nicer day. I am exhausted though. My mom fed my kids dinner and I made a piece of garlic bread and I have been on the couch since we go home. I need a shower but I am so tired I might have to skip it till tomorrow. I just can not think clearly or focus my body is exhausted is such a wonderful way. 

Good Fucking

 The other night with Mike was uneventful. He laid in my bed and fell asleep while we were talking. I let him sleep for 10 minutes but then I woke him up and told him he needed to go. I wish I had a room where I could fuck these men, I so hate them in my bedroom. I remember JF telling me about how they bring negative energy in and I need to cleanse the room after. He is not wrong. I do feel the energy of people sometimes and I do often need to cleanse my space. I usually open the windows and change the bedding and diffuse some essential oils but sometimes it lingers, the feeling, or the memory of them. I just laid there thinking about how much I dont want him laying in my bed and listened to him snore until I could not take it any longer and woke him up. In the moments after he left I think about how I never look at him. I still dont think I could pick him out of a crowd. But I could pick his dick up out of a line up. It is like a traffic cone shape. Small at the top and very wide at the bottom. It is a good fuck. 

Today, I had the pleasure of seeing the neighbor again. I still just like him. He seems like a really nice person. He comes in and I was on the phone while he starts undressing and I finish my call and jump up to suck his dick. His dick was not rock hard on arrival today. It only took a moment to rise but I still noticed that it was not ready as usual. We just fucked as we do, with him watching porn and me trying to watch at the same time. It was just good. I feel like it has been awhile since I just got some good fucking and I did need it. Just no frills fucking, it is the best thing in the world. He came inside of me and in that moment it felt so good, warm and wet. And I dont remember what he was saying but it was making me feel very owned by him as he came in me. He apologizes for the amount of cum there is and go into the bathroom to clean up and I feel the cum running out of me. 5 secs of pleasure and I pay for all day with the cum dripping out, but I did enjoy it. He took two pics, but none after. He was in a hurry. 

D will be here Thursday. I am curious to see how I will feel with him in my space and reconnecting with him again. I am not sure where I am at with him. I know a lot of it is the distance. It is so hard for me to hold space in my life for someone who is not physically there. I could never do a long distance relationship. 

Too Much TikTok

 I am getting caught up in fantasy, the fantasy that relationship look like they do on tv, or tik tok. I use the snippets of relationships and compare them to D and I am always left disappointed. My relationship with D will never look like the #couplegoals on TikTok or will we do things like date night. I am ok with that most of the time. I dont want date night. I never have. I try to keep my head straight and remember who I am. I am  about low key everything, except sex. I do not enjoy dates night or big romantic gestures. I dont like too much attention and the only thing that makes me feel whole is a strong sex life. My couple goals are not everyone else's. It is hard for me to remember that when I feel like society is shoving this unrealistic version of romantic love down my throat. 

I was thinking about JF today as I listened to him talk with the kids. He is just as he was with them, gentle and unshakable. Responding mostly with fun loving giggling when the kids said crazy things. I think about how he tried, he really tried to be the man I needed him to be, but part of the problem is that I could not accept or articulate that it all came down to how often he was getting his dick hard for me. I tried to pretend that this was not the end all be all, but it is for me. In the beginning we were new and having sex as often as parenthood would allow, but as the years rolled on and another baby came he was often tired and just did not feel the desire for sex like I did. But it is not even as though I feel the desire for sex all the time, but I just know that I need even if I dont feel the desire. Like today, it was 1pm and I had not eaten yet today. I was not hungry but my body was tired and my head hurt. My body needed fuel and although it did not tell me in the most straightforward way, it did tell me. I am learning I need to listen to what my body and mind are telling me and own that. JF was not fucking me enough and I began to resent him for that and stopped respecting him. He stopped trying because he felt like he was in a losing battle. I just wanted to acknowledge that I know he tried...I tried too. I need what I need and he can only do what he can do. 

So back to D, things are fine right where they are, he is getting his shit together and I am patiently waiting and also not anticipating a whole lot from him. The bar is low for my expectations for him, very low. This is a good thing. I dont love him any less but I do know his weaknesses and I am going to try not to be surprised by them. 

I have this reoccurring thought lately when ever I see a black homeless man. I see them mostly on my Facebook reels because of the pages I subscribe to. It is not that I am attracted to these men but I want to have sex with him. In my head they all have huge dicks and they are super horny because they have not had sex for ever because they are too busy working on their basic needs to worry about sex. I feel like it would be such a service to them and I can just feel their giant throbbing cocks as they are instantly hard and ready to fuck me. I dont know why I keep thinking this. These videos I see on Facebook are meant to spur awareness of homelessness and stories of helping these men. But I just feel like they must need sex as much as they need other things. I have been spending a lot of time on social media lately. I think it has got me fucked up. 

I am feeling the urge to fuck again. Yesterday, I reached out to the trucker to get his whereabouts. He won't be here until next week and so then I reached out to the local guy, who was working late last night. Mike text me today and he is coming over tonight after my kids sleep. The neighbor guy also text me I want to see him again but the kids have been on remote learning and cramping my style. I thought about going to see FOB but he is exhausting. I dont mind fucking him but we lack flow together. He stops and moves positions a lot and it gets on my nerves. I want that consistent fucking for several minutes before moving positions. He also gets on my nerves in general and frankly I dont even enjoy talking to him anymore. 

I am working through my depression again. I dont know what came first the depression or the lack of interest in sex. I do think the less sex I have the more depressed I get. Medically speaking I see the correlation of the lack of endorphins probably does have an impact on my mood. I think it is a good sign I have an interest in sex again.