Ramblings

 JF and I have not texted in like a month which means he has not spoke to the kids. I have enjoyed the time away from him in my mind. I even did take his name off his envelope on our family bulletin board. The kids noticed right away and I said it fell off. It feels really good to be away from him and it has given me some clarity on where things went wrong in that relationship. I think I was too invested in wanting it to work because we had a child together and he checked a lot of my boxes. I see how I was complacent in allowing things to slide that I should not have. He was given grace because he inpregnanted me and I had blinders on. 

I told my mom and my children about D moving in the the near future. The kids have not said anything about it since I told them. It does feel a little unreal but I have to prepare the children. 

I have started to panic about it. And gun to my head if you asked me right now if I wanted him to move in I would say "No". I just am struggling to see myself in a relationship. I am not a woman that needs a man. I dont need their money, I dont need their love, I dont need much other than dick. So where does that leave D, and I guess that is a good place to not need someone but rather want to be with them. D and I dont talk everyday or even every week but when we talk I can tell him all the things and he listens and I can be honest with him and I feel so very connected to him. I am back to trying to imagine what it is like with D here again. I seem to have lost sight of it. Like tonight as I am in a quiet peaceful place and in the mood to blog while the kids are occupied downstairs would he let me have this space or is he going to be trying to dick me down as I have my laptop out? 

We are not young people. He and I  know our weaknesses and what broke our other relationships so we are trying to be sure we do not do that again. But DAMM it is hard to break patterns of behavior and consciencly decide to do something different. And I want a long term relationship but I think our relationship will look different than normal, just because I dont need him. I dont need a man to go to an event, a movie, out to dinner. I have friends for that or I will happily go alone. 

And I can't imagine what I will do with the extra time that I have that I am not looking for dick. I literally been thinking about getting a part time job now that I am not out whoring. lol I have that much time. My mental health is holding me back a little right now but I dont anticipate that lasting too much longer. 

Him and I have some things to work out still. We are talking about money and what his contributions look like and how the bills are split. This is so hard for me because money is so important to me. 

Best Case Scenario

D moves in. I let him into my life. We both benefit in many ways by finally coming together. We benefit sexually, financially, emotionally and we laugh a lot still. My kids enjoy the change and my happiness is increased. 

Worst Case Scenario

I can not take the pressure of having him in my day to day. The sex, the submission, the having a partner I have to think about makes me a bitch and I drive him away. I know when I am not happy I turn into an incredible bitch. But I am good at communicating so if I am not happy everyone will know why and how to fix it. 

All these thoughts are taking my peace away from me a little bit. D and I just need to talk more. He has been very open with me and I think that has been positive sign. We also can laugh at ourselves in these very serious conversations. That makes me optimistic. 

I remember saying to my ex husband in the midst of a fight " I just want a man that can laugh with me when I say something crazy or when we are fighting. I dont want a man who just fights back with me". I am a fighter, an arguer and I like to get the last word. D knows how to stop that response in me. Even when it creeps in and I slip up and say some fucked up shit he reminds me he is not tolerating that and it helps me wheel it back in. Sometimes he does it with a look or he will say "Yo dont forget who you are talking to".

Lots of rambling tonight. My thoughts are scattered. I dont know how I feel. 

I have not had sex since I last saw D, and I am so content. My body has not needed anything and I am so not into giving my energy to someone. Except maybe the neighbor if he wants to stop by...

Sweet Submission

 D showed up today at 8:40am. I was in the shower and by the time he got himself in the house I was brushing my teeth. He popped his head in the bathroom to see me brushing my teeth and he went and sat down on the bed. I take my clothes off, expect for my top (for no real reason, I just like the shirt). We get into the bed and we start talking but I just can't recall about what but mere moments pass and my mouth was on his dick. He then wanted to 69, which he loves to slide his cock down my throat in that position and I tolerate and today I actually enjoyed the oral because he was focused on my clit and sucking it wonderfully. We fuck over and over and over again. At one point he told me to get on top. I cringe at this request. My body is just not made for this activity. He insists and I comply, climbing up on his dick. He starts off by fucking me while I am up there and then pure instinct  takes over and I begin to vigorously fuck him. I get in my own world where I am just trying to make myself cum. When I stop I look down at him and he is smiling so big it made me feel good. I stayed up there a while. More than I think I ever have. We fuck and talk and fuck and talk. I went to pick up lunch this time while he stayed back. We fucked some more. It was 2:40pm and it was time for me to go. 6 hours of blissful fucking! And tonight I am exhausted. I am exhausted like I have not been in a long time. My body defiantly got a workout. 

But in between all that fucking we talked about things that we have never talked about before. I talked about some hard limits I have with him moving in and money and children were the topics of the day. And JF. 

In my kitchen I have a very large bulletin board with the calendars for the next 3 months and a pocket folder for everyone in the house to put their mail and their school papers. JF's folder is still there and filled with his mail that still gets sent to me. This does not bother me in the least, but it bothers D. It was in this moment he told that this was a problem for him that I realized that I will need to compromise on something. Like a naive child I was not really aware that him moving in to my house would force me to compromise in different ways. He does not think JF should be using my address and I agree he should not and I should not be doing him any favors by collecting his mail for him. He is not wrong. I text JF tonight to start forwarding his mail. He did not yet respond. 

I also have a code lock on my doors. This way we do not need a key we just use a code. D does not like this. He feels like JF can just come here whenever he wants because he knows the code. He is not wrong, but I dont think JF would come here but I am not sure what he would do at this point. So D wants to change the locks. Again, it does not bother me but if he wants to change the locks I guess that is ok. 

D finally admitted that money played a huge part in the break down of his marriage, and he has issues in that area. I also shared that because of the money issues with JF I feel ultra defensive and private with my money. D suggested a joint money arrangement and I strongly declined. There is money I have that I will never tell D about. I have three kids and I can not rely on a man to put my kids first financially. Their own father can't even do it. We had a real strong conversation about this. I was glad we had it but I also see that I dont have a lot of flexibility on this issue. Even thinking back to our conversation today about it, I feel anxiety. We did not come up with a solution but for me there are not a lot of options. We heard each other but that was about it. 

D talks about the toys all over the house. He said it is actually not too bad today but he said the kids really are old enough to be cleaning up after their selves. As their parent I know that and that is my goal but for the love of christ I am too tired to fight the good fight of raising children somedays. Somedays all I can do is feed them and love them and tell myself tomorrow we will work on home training. D seems to think my life should be easier and admitted that it is a lot to do all of it on my own. That made me feel seen but I still dont know if we are really on the same page. 

We talked about him sharing his life with me, coming to family events with me, and blending our lives and making this our home. It was like the realest conversation we have ever had. It was effortless and easy to talk with him and all sprinkled in with laughter and lust. 

We talked about control. He talked about he has been the only man that has ever been able to control me and he is not wrong. He talked about how I try to be in control at all times and that with him I can not. This is why I love this man. He has such a way with me that he tames my need to micromanage every detail of everything and shows me the joys of submission. Sweet submission to a man that understands that it is a gift. 

The problem is how does that control filter over to our relationship? What does that look like in regular life? That part created some unsettled feelings for me. I am capable or do I even want that. I am so far removed from being in a relationship that I do forget all the give and take it requires. We were both so candid today, it felt really real. At one point he said "if I am going to rearrange by life to be down here with you I want to be sure you dont kick me out in two weeks". I thought I can not imagine myself kicking him out but I have also never lived with him. I dont think I will want to kick him out but I do know there are going to be some adjustment pains. Im nervous!

My bed still smells of him. I still smell like him. I can smell him on my skin. I wish he was back in this bed with me. As exhausted as I am I would still like to fuck him some more. 

Things on my mind.

 It been two years I guess since JW and I have been over. I think that is right. And today I finally took his contacts off of my phone. We shared my iCloud account so all of our contacted were linked. So all of these African names would show up every time I searched my contacts. It was a constant reminder. I kept them there for a few reasons. First I did not want JF to need someones number and not be able to get it, because I never want to cause problems for him. Secondly, I thought I might one day need to talk to these people if I am looking for JF. 

It took a lot of convincing and each name that was brought up I deeply considered should I delete it. There were over 100 people I deleted. I left his mom and his brother and his sisters but everyone else needed to go. 

I also got rid of men that were from the dating site I was on. I generally keep those contacts around in case they message me, I can go through our contacts and I can see our interaction and I can decide if I want to talk to them or not. But I just was tired of random ass people in my phone that say "Ray - lives 30 minutes away" or "weird guy from philly", or Mike's Friend. They all had to go. There are still more that need to go but I cleared out a lot. 

I was thinking about JF a lot today! I can't say that I missed him but it is weird to have him so much out of my life. Like he is really removed from my life and it just feel weird. It's not bad at all but it is weird. I have an overwhelming need to help him and I have to keep an eye on that. I try not to talk about anything with him because if I know of his troubles I will want to fix them. Even after all the pain he has put me and these children through I just want to help him succeed and thrive. Unfortunately do not know how to help others while preserving myself. 

I also set my phone to Do Not Disturb and only allowed my mom, my sister, my neighbor friend, and D to call me and have it notify me. Everyone else is on silent. I Needed to do this. FOB will text me at 6am and my staff at work will wake me up with stupid texts at 7am. I also get texts everyday of the weekend about stupid shit from my staff at work. I am of the thought that even if the building burnt to the ground dont tell me about it until 830 monday morning. When I am off, I am off. It is not even important text they are sending just stupid shit that impacts me in no way on the weekend. 

I might be feeling a touch better. Last week I has 3 really bad days and I took Friday off of work. I just could not function. But the weekend has been a little bit better. I am nervous for the week. There is a lot to do, a lot of obligations. D is coming on Wednesday, the neighbor is coming in the morning. 

Hard Times

Maybe a dedicated reader saw it coming, my increasing depression. I have been in such a space lately that I just cannot put one bit of energy out for anyone else. I dont answer texts, I send phone calls right to voicemail. On the weekends I spend 48 hours completely isolating in my house. I was struggling to find joy in anything. I still am but I have changed my meds around and I can already feel the difference. First change I notice is I want dick again and it is all that I can think of. I drove a lot today, about 4 hours in the car and what was on my mind. Dick. I would review the mental snapshots of the all the men I like and recall with fond memory our times together. The other day I found myself masturbating for the first time in weeks. It has been a nice change of pace to have a little bit of joy back in my life. Depression is so crippling for me sometimes. I have never had it as bad as it has been since I had my last baby. I dont know if it is the hormonal shifts in my body at my age or if it is my brain fighting to survive but since my youngest has been born more days than not have been dark. It has been really hard. 

In my 4 hours of driving today, I thought of JF and how I have asked him for help so many times in my dark days of the last couple years and he does not. I am real and honest with him. I allow myself to be vulnerable and let him see that raising these kids on my own is almost more than I can bear and that I need help. He never comes through. Never. On a positive note I dont feel pangs of love for him like I did just a few months ago. I pretty much feel indifference most of time with a sprinkle in of empathy. Empathy because I know he struggles for everything. 

I have missed D so much since I last saw him. He has been on my mind. I lay in bed and I once thought about how strange it would be to have him in my bed I now want to share it with him. I wanted to call him to ask him to come see me but I did not because I know he is going to come see me whenever he can. But like I telepathically called him he called me today. I was so happy when I saw his face appear on my phone. He said "so your period came and went by now right". Could someone tell me why this is but when I man remembers when my period is it makes me feel seen and owned and I love it. It is one of those little things like looking around my room that will always make me feel submissive and vulnerable. 

We talk about his job search to which it replied it is not going great but it is going. I miss him and I want him but I also need to get some shit in order in my house. 

My son. This kid has been the most difficult of my three children and he pushes my limits. There are times I want to put him in a group home, when I think he should be institutionalized, there are so many times I say to myself I have to just love him through it. In my last two months of severe depression his behavior has become more difficult because I have just not had the mental energy to deal with him. I need to get a handle on that before D comes here, but I swear there is part of me that wants D to help me with that child. God knows his Dad is useless but I know that is not D's job and ultimately D will not be the father that I am looking for... or at least I dont think but I dont know. All I know is some days I feel like have hit rock bottom with that kid and I dont know how I am going to keep him out of jail. 

Add the two younger kids still insist on sleeping with me. Stopping this feels like moving a mountain. I am so mentally weak and I dont have a parent to lean on to help me with hard times. Not even to talk to about the hard times. I could call JF and tell him but he will talk to my son but it never does any good. Any my kids are forever asking me why JF lives in an apartment and not a house like us, and why did I kick him out, and it is my fault he has to live in an apartment. I am firm and consistent with them that JF "was not treating me nicely and I did not want to be with him if he could not treat me nicely". Yet they persist. 

My mom tells me I need to do something for myself. I find that amusing because she does not want to help me with the kids so I can do something for myself. I just think that time won't come for a couple of years.