Too much stress for what it is worth

 So the neighbor did come by today. He just walked here, I was watching him come into my house on the camera I now have. It made me laugh, he is bold with his wife being just houses away. I dont remember the last time I had sex or who it was with. It was either the neighbor or D, I just can't remember which and it had been too long. He came for the first time without a mask, which I enjoyed. He got naked and laid on my bed and I sucked his dick and licked his ass until he was rock hard. It did not take long. We fucked missionary with porn playing on his phone. He would go back and fourth to fucking me and watching porn. Then I would try to get in on the porn and then we would put it down and fuck me harder. I did not have an orgasm but it was good. You know like a massage is good, you dont orgasm but it feels amazing. It was that kind of good. He came in side me and I laid in bed talking to him so the cum would not run down my legs as we chatted. We talked for a good 15 mins while he got dressed and then he was out. I also watched the clip of him leaving my house. I dont know what amuses me so much about the visual of him coming and going from my house but I like it. I am a visual person, and I like to see him trying to walk in all cool like he is not doing anything wrong.

I did not sleep at all last night at the mercy of my mind. All night all I could think about is D and this conversation we had about money and about our life and all that. D is a complicated man in some ways and in others he just wants a traditional relationship.(Something I have always wanted). I called him today because I felt bad and I did not like it and I wanted to talk it out with him. Whenever I say something like "you hurt my feelings" he always asks me if I am the only one with feelings. Then he always says it does not matter You are going to do whatever you want anyway. This is true. I am always going to do what I want, but sometimes I want to put others first and sometimes I want to submit and sometimes I want to dominate and sometimes I want to take control of my own fucking life and make moves with out anyones input. We talk a little, we sit in silence on the phone while he works and I tell him I will call him later. I dont call him. I have a headache and a lot on my mind. I can't beg him to make me feel better. He will either get over it or he won't. I kinda dont care at the moment, but we all know that I care. It all goes back to I want him, I love him, but I will never let myself be dependent on him for anything. Ok and so maybe that is the problem or at least that what he means when he says I won't let him in. I can let him, I can but he has to show me that is ready to emotionally take care of me. Oh and I type that I can hear his answer in my head..."I have always taken care of you emotionally" and he has but not exactly in the way that I need. I need repetitive reassurance of love. And good lord dont let me feel like you are done with me because there will a new dick in your place in five seconds flat. 

I am on the fence about my job and applying for a new position. I am not thrilled about my current position and a position has opened up that would be a move up in the company but I also feel so conflicted about if I want that or not. More responsibility would be more positive challenge or just more stress? It is a lot to think about. 

Then there is JF, I am thinking about taking to him to court for child support. I have had enough of his nonsense and he still talks to me like I have done something to him. Looking back I can not believe that I was so on the fence about leaving him. Good lord, love is so blinding.    

My car is coming tomorrow. This whole process has reaffirmed my independence and my skill at managing lifes up and down. I always felt like I needed a husband to deflect some of this stress in life but I am ok with out. It would be nice if one day D became a source of peace and contentment in life but right now I am just looking to be physically closer to him. I want the dick every night. I want someone to share my day with, I want to be able talk to a grown up while I lay in bed in my pajamas. It would be icing on the cake to feel protected and share deep thoughts with him too. 

I feel like I good scream and a good cry (if my meds would let me cry). 

Who do I need to ask?

 I can't remember if I blogged before that my car was stolen. I did a lot of research and decided that I was going with another mini van and chose the exact model I wanted. Then I worked HARD to find that model on the east coast and find it at a price point I was willing to pay. And my the grace god I found it in West Virginia. Through this process I talked to my mom about my choice but that was about it. I bought the car and it will be delivered this week. 

So today, D calls me. He did not call me last week he said because he knew I was away with the kids but he first asked what I was doing about the car. When I told him what I got he proceeded to tell me how bad of a choice that was. He has told me this about every car I have bought except for the Honda's. He let me know the car I chose had terrible resale value. Now all minivans do not have great resale value. Honda is better than the Pacficia I chose but not by much. Certaintly not enough to sway me away from getting it. It is a hybrid and gets 12 miles more per gallon then the Honda and that shit matters to me. I drive a lot and gas prices are a problem. I felt pretty secure about my choice until he had to second guess me. Now of course this can not just be a conversation about a car. Oh No. He has to make it a whole fucking thing. 

He is looking for a truck and last time he came down he came with a truck he was thinking of buying. He asked me about what I thought. Truth be told I did not really care, it is his money his truck I had nothing but indifference. He brought up how he ran that by me and I did not even tell him what I was doing. I could not wrap my head around why I would ask him. I already knew what his opinion was, he would want me to get a honda and that is it. I did not want a honda because they do not make a hybrid mini van and I knew I still wanted a mini van. My kids are getting older and in 3 years the older one will be driving her own car but in the meantime I still have to cart around three kids and all of their shit. I did not ask because I did not want him opinion. When he said this I was just so taken back by the thought that I would run it by someone I was not married to. If we were married or shit even if we were living together I think I would have talked to him about it. But in our current status ....I dont think so. 

So as we are having this hour plus long conversation his brother is there with him and I hear his brother talking (the brother I fucked a few times) and it makes me feel weird. I keep thinking does he know who D is talking to? Can he hear what I am saying? 

His niece was there and she said something that prompted D to tell her how much he loved her and his brother and then I fucking lost it. I started crying and I was like how can you tell her so freely that you love her but you never say to me. I was expecting him to hang up on me because he does not like it when I am needy but he did tell me he loved me. 

We then talked about money some more. He shared what he thinks and what he wants and I shared what I thought was right. We both have baggage with money. We both have the battle scars and both lost in our past relationships when it comes to money. I think it is funny, his concern is that I won't want to have sex with him if he does not have money. This is laughable to me. I said "you have never had money and I have always wanted to fuck you". Money and sex are separate for me. Him not having money would not make me not want to have sex with him, but him not fucking me on the regular will cause me to isolate myself and not want to be touched by him. And if that happens it is likely never going to be repaired. Of all the things he should worry about me not fucking him because of money issues is not one of them. Not that I would ever say this to him but him just being here to fucking me every day and fix everything that breaks is enough for me. I dont need to be taken care of. I dont want him here for security. I want him because I love him. He did say that he wants to be able to alleviate my financial strain and that is why it is taken so long to find a job because he is looking for one that pays the right amount. I can't complain about that, he is forward thinking. 

I tell him I worry about money with us and blending financial goals. My values are not the same as his is so many ways. For example. private school. I would seriously be making and selling porn if I needed to in order to send my kids to the school they go to. I am in love that that school system and their values and I have never been part of a community where everyone is valued and peace and love and woven into everything that is done. It is a magical place and I will do whatever I can to make sure my kids get that experience. So that is one of those things that is not up for discussion. I will not discuss any other situation. 

It is clear we need to talk more. He said I won't let anyone in my life and he is not totally wrong. I let D in the most but to let him in, like really in, that has not happened yet and it is risky. Like if this shit does not work I am just going to call it quits on men and just go to fuck parties 1x a month. 

I said to him he give mix signals but it is not that it is he will say something one time and he will t think that once is enough for me to know it. Like saying I love you, like if I heard it once , then I should know it.  Him telling me he does not want me to see other people, in the most vague way possible should be reason enough for me to stop all actives. 

This conversation enlightened me to see that I have to let him in a little bit more. I have to take a leap of faith and treat him like I want him to be a part of my life, because I do. For me I just think that comes naturally when we are fucking more often and seeing each other more often. He wants a trial run before he moves hin where we intertwine our lives without  the physical closeness. I want the physical clossness before I can be open to sharing the details of my life and sharing on planning. 

THe whole conversation to a lot of me. I have been in a foul mood for the rest of the day as his words replay in my head and I get angry with myself for not even thinking about in and more angry that he did not say gently "why did you not ask my opinion"? Gently is the key. I need gentle even toned loving nurturing words coming from him mouth. Like think about how you would talk to ta broken child and give m that vibe. 

In the morning I am having sweet period sex with the neighbor. I am looking forward to it because my body needs it bad.

Violations

 I have been in such a dark place for the last few weeks. I start to question is it depression or is it just life? I have been a place where I question the purpose of life and start to hear myself think things like "there is no purpose to life" and "I just want it all to be over". Before I had kids these would have defiantly been thoughts of wanting to die, but since I had kids the devotion of being their rock in life has kept those thoughts at bay, but christ I am about a half step away from wanting to take the bridge. Until today. I woke up today and things were just better. The brain fog had lifted and I could start to see the good parts of life again. I felt joy when my daughter hugged me and I did not feel this exhausting languish of having to mutter through the day. Today I felt better! I assume it is the TMS treatment beginning to work or some other miracle of God. Either way I will take it. The depression has been strong this last few months. 

In other news, my car was stolen, right from my driveway. I am still a little bit in shock that this actually happened to me. I feel like in general bad things dont happen to me. I can't think of a lot of times in my life that I have felt like a victim, but I oddly felt myself in the victim role this week. It feels weird to me. I am half embarrassed to tell people like some how I am less than because I was victimized. The car is a loss but all my stuff in the car. All my personal things, my favorite coat. I loved that coat, My glasses, my kids things. I hate that some degenerate will touch my things, will reap the benefits of my hardworking. It is an intense violation and it has sparked all kinds of feelings in me. 

D has been super supportive in the last few days, checking in on me daily and saying all kinds reassuring things. And that has made me miss him. Oh how I miss him. This week in particular I want to lay my head on his arm and put my hand on his chest as I listen to his heart beat and just feel close to him. I want him to hold me. I want to feel his protection and love. I just dont want to be alone, but I am. We were trying to find a day to meet, maybe next week it will work out. 

D did say something that made me happy. Long story short Jf's landlord has been harassing me for months because he thinks JF still lives with me and he thinks some how I am going to pay for JF's debts. I told D about this week and D quickly jumped to "I think when I come down there I will have to visit him". I could have orgasmed right there with the instinctual need to want to be protected being fulfilled. Things between him and I have defiantly shifted. He is more open about how he cares for me and I am more willing to let myself be vulnerable again. I like the pace in which things are moving for the most part. There are days I want him here with me right now but for the most part I am ok with our baby steps towards being together. 

I do day dream about him and I being old and living in Trinidad and just enjoying island life and fucking and sleeping all day everyday.

I find myself tonight in a place of wanting sex. I just need the stress relief. I am home with the little kids so I can not go out and even if I could there is no one I can call instantly like that. This is one of those night where I feel restless and impatient and feel like calling D and telling him he needs to move is ASAP. 

Yesterday I had such a lovely conversation with JW.  I had thought about him a few times in the last few weeks and thought about why I had not heard from him. I had assumed he just moved on. He called me and it perked me up a bit yesterday. We talked for a while and I always enjoy talking to him. He makes me feel like he cares about me. I got off the phone and felt invigorated and reminded that I like people and sometimes I need to talk with my people. Through this last few months I pulled further and further away from everyone I know and care about and it really just makes things worse. I was so grateful he called me. 

JF continues to be a thorn in my side, no changes there. But in a assertion of my autonomy I have no longer collected JF's mail. It goes back, "return to sender" and I took down his name off his mail holder. My thoughts of him continue to fade. I am starting to make my peace that he will not be the father that I need him or want him to be.