Optimisim

 D called me yesterday and asked me if I was working from home today, I was and we made a plan. He did not come here as early as he usually does which was nice. Those 7-8 hours days of fucking are exhausting. He got here at 11. I was at my desk working and when I looked at him I thought to myself, "Wow, he looks beat". Today was the first day I saw him wearing sandals in 20 years. And I just thought to myself he was a little off his game. I know he has had a cold the days prior but it looked like it was kicking his ass. 

I was in a good mood and looking forward to his visit. There was not hesitation. I know my body needed it and I have not seen anyone else. I notice that his dick is not rising as quick as it usually does. Usually it is almost hard after being in my mouth for 60 seconds, but not today. I had to work with it. I was not bothered by this, I missed him and it was nice to be close to him and making him happy. We start fucking and it is as good as it has been the thousands of times we have done it before. I guess we were fucking for maybe 30-40 minutes and he stops and lays down to take a break. I thought to myself "did he come and I missed it" but no he just needed a break. He was spooning me at this point and I look back to see his giant cock covered in my cum. And I reached behind me and stroked his dick while he recovered. He needed like 2 minutes and then he slide my ass down and bed and slipped in from the back. This is a new thing. He has never stopped and needed a break. Never. I have needed breaks, I never get them but I need them but he has never needed a break. It was surreal for me to see him as a fallible man who was susceptible to  the limits of his body. The rest of the day carried on with no breaks. Even the time between him cumming and him re-entering me was shorter than usual. We talked a little bit, but we just laid with our bodies intertwined. Each time he came he would go to pull out and I would grab him and ask him to leave it in just a little longer and I would cum again. There is this moment I have in sex (not all the time but when it is good) where I feel my body opening up to take the man in as much as I can. It reminds me of when your are pregnant and your body releases a hormone to make you joints relax. It is like I hit a point of satisfaction and my whole body relaxes into it and I feel my legs opening wider, I am trying to move in a way that I can get as much dick in my cunt as possible and my moans hit a new primal sound. This is a good place to be. I might equate to "sub-space" because I dont feel pain in a negative way. He was beating my pussy up and it just felt amazing. He was sucking hard on my tits and I asked him to suck them harder. I have defiantly been experiencing the afterglow today. He also did make me squirt a lot, that is a double edge sword. I hate the mess but I love the release of that and once he gets me to do it once, it just keeps happening with very little stimulation. 

I did ask him "you are still planning on moving here", to which he said yes. I said I need a time frame and he said something to the affect of when we resolve our conflicts. Now I can not remember what the conflict last was and he did not feel like chatting about it. I did ask if it was the him not trusting me part and he said that "was part of it". I dont know how to make him trust me but I do feel like I need to get serious with that. I can't keep lying to his face. 

At one point we were talking and he said to me "girl" in this really endearing way. I loved it. Of all the things that were said today the tone of his voice and he called me girl made me so happy. 

I needed a shower as soon as we were down as I smelled like all the liquid from the squirting which has an different smell to it. It is not urine but it is not a good smell to me. It makes me feel dirty so I probably over exhaterate the scent of it. I am conscience of him as we both are in the bathroom and I get ready to shower. I am aware of my nudity in front of him but I dont let it stop me. I wash all the sex off me and we head down stairs, I make myself a snack and we talk for a few minutes. We hug and he is off. 

As I stand at my counter eating my snack and I glance in to the recycling can to see his Corona bottles and I feel such a sense of freedom. For so many years of my life I had to cover up my time with D. If he came with Corona he would need to leave with his bottles so no one would find out. And even with my other men, hiding the condom trash and making sure they do not leave anything here. This one guy left a whole shirt here one time. (Like come on, dont leave your clothes when you go to fuck - get your shit together). It is freeing to not have to cover it up and it feels so surreal. I am in disbelief that this is where I am in my life, fucking D and not hiding it. It is amazing. As I laid in bed with him today I just could not help thinking this is all I have wanted for all these years. 

I was talking to my friend who I keep aprised of all my dealings with D and I told her that he came over today and that "I was in love again" which was not what I was feeling last time. I also told her that I look at him and I see an aging very basic island man who has nothing to his name who needs very little to make him happy and is living in a different world then me but damm do I love him. Today, I am so in love with him, I could have stayed in this room with him today forever. About 2 hours after he left I was resting on the couch and all I could think of is how I would like to fuck him some more. 

I had to take my daughter to soccer practice today. I sat on the sideline with a permeant smile on my face while I listen to Notorious Big and recounted the days events in my head. I feel like other parents think I am weird. I am a bit of a loner and I dont do much of the chit chat. I talk all day everyday and I revel in the time I get to sit in silence and allow my mind to focus and wander on to anything it wants and it almost always goes back to a sex scene.

I also want to pat myself on the back for inviting JF out to dinner with the family for my sons birthday which is this week. I dont want him to come but he does not bother me. And I think the two people who made him should be able to enjoy a meal together. He has not text me back to say if he was coming or not but at least I asked. 

So, it has been 10 years since I had my son. My son, who was the baby I did not know who the father was and 10 years since JF stepped in to my life. This week I am been feeling nostalgic about JF, remembering all the good times (as I do) and forgetting all the horrible things he did. It was love and it was intense. I remember how much time we spent together and how good it all felt for those good years.  I dont want him back like I did a year ago or even six months ago. I just want to work on us having a friendship, like I have with my ex-husband. It takes time but I want to my kids to be able to see all the wonderful qualities he has and I want us to be able to support the kids together as we raise them. I feel like I have optimistic goals but if it does not work out it won't be for me not trying. 

Reward vs. Risk

 A couple that JF was friends with and we used to hang out with messaged me tonight. He asked how we were and wanted to get together for dinner. I messaged him back and let him know that JF and I are no longer together and as I typed the message the tears began to fall. And they kept coming. And in my logical mind I know that JF made me miserable for the last few years but my heart kept thinking maybe I should try it again with JF. Maybe I should throw myself into it and love him with everything I have and I would have my family back and the kids would have their Dad back. The grief keeps coming to me, like waves crashing over me. I still grieve over the loss of my family and my kids loss of their Dad. I still think about just how in love I was with JF. I really loved and love him. It hurts all over again when little things like a message come thru and bring it all back up again. 

I dont know if I felt this grief when my ex-husband and I split. It was different or at least my memory of it  is rose colored. I remember feeling so free. I was free to fuck whom I wanted whenever I wanted and I had no one to answer to. I felt alive for the first time in my life. Freedom was the panacea to the loss I might have felt. 

So why with JF I am stuck on grief? Why does it come to me out of nowhere and knock me down to nothing. I try to tell myself and JF and I tried it again last year and we literally last 48 hours. 48 hours!But if we could just have that time when we were perfect for each other back. The good sex, the loving touch, the mutal interests, spending all of our time together and enjoying each other company. 

D called me today. I see us trying. We are trying to work this shit out. We are both strong willed and not willing give up are demands. I am a little bit of a loss on this topic too. I am starting to feel fear pulsating thru my body. Am I am starting to believe that I just need to stay still until I can figure out my way. 

There is no reward with out risk. 

Real Talk

 I was out of sorts all day thinking about D and the weirdness of our recent relationship changes. I finally took a drive by myself tonight so I could call him and talk to him about it. We talked for about an hour and he did explain finally what he was feeling in an articulate way. I knew there was something there but I did not understand it. He said that he has "trouble trusting" me because he knows that if I am not getting enough dick I will go out and find it. And that he does not want that to happen. He also said he is pretty sure I am still having someone coming to the house to fuck me. 

Ok, so I admit I am doing those things and that maybe a reason he would not trust me but in my head that is the last thing I am worried about. However I can not say that I have not worried if D fucking me everynight will stop the need and or desire to be raped or compensate for the walk of shame I do from the big rig when the trucker is in town. In my head I believe that I dont need that but I am not always sure. You know when you are starting something you new you never know how it will be or if you will crave other things or if what you have will completely fulfill you. It is a crap shoot, it is always the unknown. So while I think D will give me the ability to put other needs out of my head I am not certain. I would not bet my life on it but I would maybe 5k, I was going to say 10k but then I thought no that's to much to lose. Lol.

So we talk about all the other things and talk about it in a real way, not in his stupid aggressive way. I feel a little better but I told him we need to spend more time together. I tell him that he and I have had all of our time together with just us in a very controlled enviorment with no distractions. I told him I dont even know how I would act with you in my regular life. I dont know what it will be like for me for him to be in my space and I dont know until it happens. And we will not know how we mesh until we make and effort to mesh in a legitimate way. This means he needs to be spending some weekends with me and doing the work to transform a very private relationship between him and I into something that other people will see. It is weird to me. All of it is weird. And it feels uncomfortable but we are really at a point where we have to do something to get us both to acknowledge and move past our issues or call it already. 

When he talks to me in this real way I am reminded of why I love him. It feels good to communicate in this way and even though I dont always love the things he is saying it finally feels like we are getting somewhere. And my issue is as much as I dont want him to (most of the time) I feel like he will just up and leave me one day if he does not like something and I will lose everything. He does not threaten to "leave" me, not like how JF did. JF threatened that all the time, that shit hurt because he knew that abandonment feels like death to me. And JF knew I would do anything to make sure my children had their Dad around. It is such a mind fuck to do that to someone. I never do that even when I feel like it I never say it. I will however say other very horrible things usually pointed at ways to undermine the very validness of a man existence and cut him down to the point he starts questioning if he is worth anything at all. It is not my best character trait. My words have always been a source of power for me. I feel like I can do so much harm with them when I am angry. 

The conversation end with him saying he was tired and he wanted to pick that conversation up another time. We talked about his day and what we were doing and said good night. 

I feel a little bit lighter. Part of me wants to just call it quits and move on. There is a part of me that feels like it will take too much effort to do this and I like the way things are now. But I know there is part of me that wants that full time relationship. I want someone to be with at night and laugh with and share life with and I know as my children get older I will want it even more. No matter what happens there will be some growing pains. 

It is not about when but if

 The neighbor assumed my kids were off school this week for Spring Break but they are not and he was quick to offer his dick for me but I declined. I was just not feeling it. D left me feeling fucked up yesterday and I just did not have the mental energy to shower and fuck and shower his cum off me and then go to work. I just could not do it and I have no real desire either. I had to go to North Jersey for work today. D called me early this morning and I told him this and he wanted to meet me and get a room, when neither one of us were willing to pay for a room he was like we can fuck in my work van. None of this sounded appealing to me. I did not even want to be talking to him so the thought of going out of my way to give him some pussy was the least of my priorities today. He was lucky I even answered the phone when he called. 

So when he called I thought lets get to it and have these hard conversations. I asked if he was drunk yesterday and he said he was not and why do I ask. I told him because he was very rude to me and and aggravated because I could not talk about sex. We talked a little more and he said he "was not going to go with out sex" and he was not going to be in another relationship where sex was something that he could not have when he wanted. So a few thoughts on that. First he has baggage from his marriage. Sex was a huge issue for them and second to sex was money. He won't claim his baggage but he has it. Second, I have said the same words as him. I have said them. So as much as he sounded like an asshole as he said them to me, it was not lost on me that I have used these exact words in conversations with JF and my ex-husband. And I meant it when I said it and when I did not get the sex I was looking for I did go out and find it and I felt totally justified in this. Is karma coming my way? Is the universe now giving me a chance to feel some of the angst that I caused other people because of my sex addiction? 

He persisted on the phone in a way that I can't say that I really have seen much of in him over the last 20 years. He has always been dominant in sex but in real life we usually just discussed things and leave it at that but I feel like he is becoming more controlling or rather he has a desire to be more in control of me. I am telling him over and over again, No. I think he thinks he can bend me to his will. Some of the things coming out of his mouth are out of character for him. For example:

He said (in a serious tone) if I want to fuck you at your parents house then we will fuck there. I said, "nope" and went on to explain to him that it would be disrespectful and I would not do that to my parents and he acts as though I am challenging him. He said something else that made me say "No, my kids come first always", to which he said "No, I come first", and to which I corrected him "No". He asked me who I thought I was talking to?  He actually said "he would expect me to clear my day to day decisions with him" to which I laughed and said "I am not a child, I do not need you to take care of me or to make decisions for me". It was a 40 minute conversation like this. It was bizarre. I have never really seen this kind of desire to control me like that and it was persistent with it. At first I thought he was joking but 40 minutes in I think he was serious. 

I just deflected and continued to let him know that things would not change sexually between us but in my day to day regular life I would not be willing to submit to him. 

I am left feeling a little bit dumbfounded. Has he always been an asshole and I just never saw it? Or is he feeling a little bit more of a need to set his rules down the same way I am setting my rules down. But our rules clash and I have a feeling neither one of us will retreat. I know that I will not fucking live my life under someone else's rule. That shit is fucking crazy! And he must be fucking retarded to think that me, a financially and sexually independent women is going to give up the control of my life to please him. 

I keep thinking this must be a joke, because I have never seen this kind of behavior, really never. He has always been a big part of my life and I have always talked to him about big decisions in my life for the most part. But he would really talk to me about things like a friend and would help me work through shit. What is happening? Is it all starting to crumble? 

And even with all the clashing he persists with statement like "when I move down there" and all I am thinking is fuck when more like if... 

Know better...do better.

 I am feeling real reflective this last few days as my body goes through the hormonal shift for my period. I got to sit with my neighbor and friend yesterday and enjoyed some good girl talk and I found myself just spewing all kinds of feeling that I had and I was surprised about the things that came out of my mouth. 

The other day D came over and spent the day with me. We are working on an actual time frame of him moving in as he has secured a job that he was looking for. It is up North right now but the guy in his position down South is retiring in August and they have agreed to move him down here. So there is some actual goals. While D was here we did not do as much talking as we usually do, it was more or less not stop fucking from 8:30a to 2:45p with an hour lunch break. It was like my job that day. When we did talk he got on my nerves. He talks a lot of about child rearing and I dont have the same fucking school of thought that he does. He is OLD SCHOOL. I am new age. I believe that old school created and entire world of adults with serious issues. As a social worker I see how old school beliefs in child rearing break bonds between parent and child and cause trauma and life long abandonment issues. Why do you think there are so many men abusing women and women willing to stay for it. They believe abuse is normal if not in their conscience mind then at least on a molecular level. If you have never read about epigenetic changes and trends then I would encourage to seek out the topic and think about why we have multigenerational families with the same trauma and issues. I am part of the if you know better you do better school of thought. And if you read and educate yourself you will know that old school it not idea. Not to mention I am so against the old school way of doing things that is why I pulled my kids from public school and why I go broke sending them to private school. I dont want institutional learning. I want them to think and use their mind and learn how to build relationships. D's style of parenting is well... willful gross negligence and frankly it makes me think less of him. Let me explain. He talks about when he daughter was little and crawling and his wife had a gate at the top of the stairs and he took the gate down when he was watching her because if he told her no and she still went then she would learn by falling down the steps. (OMG even writing this makes me angry) To which he states worked like a charm she fell down the steps once and never went near them again. The same with outlet. He always talks about me having outlet covers in my house. (They are still around my house on the outlets we never use, even know the youngest is five, as I need the outlet I take them away). He thinks it is ridiculous to protect the kid from the outlet like that. According to the book of D, You tell them no and if they do it the will learn by getting shocked. Of course he believes this works well because his daughter of course touched the outlet and got schocked and never did it again. This is gross willful negligence and if we were married we would have split up over this. This is a hill I am 100% willing to die on. My kids come first and I parent with love as much as humanly possible. I treat them like they are valuable to me and I protect them because it is my job. Even when they are old enough to protect themselves I will still be there to protect them. I am their parent it is my job. 

So here we are in a place of will he move in... he still planning on it but conversations like the other day make me feel like maybe this is not what I want. If he is this stupid about child rearing how stupid can he be about other things. I whole heartedly can say tonight, just tonight, I dont ever need him in my life anymore then he is. I dont know if I really mean that or not. I am pretty hormonal and I am scared as hell that he will move in and this ship will SINK fast. I can handle that but what I can not do is expose my children to that kind of turmoil. Him and I need a come to jesus conversation that has not happened yet. He feels like everything will be fine and I am not so sure. I tell him the other day that " I cannot be submissive to you in my real life", he looked like he did not get it. I reaffirmed me submitting to you in the bed is one thing but my real life as an employee as a mother as a daughter as a friend will not be influenced by D's whims. I can't and I won't. And as long as I have life in my body I will never understand this fools approach to raising children. 

Oddly enough his children seem to be pretty close to him. I dont know what got me so fired up about this but I feel like calling him and making sure I understand what he said correctly because I am having a hard time believing he is that stupid. 

Moving On....Talking with my friend last night I talked about how unsure I am about D and how I will go into my closet and think about how much space to I have to give up and how many dresser drawers will I need to give up. This man said something about which side of the bed he wants to sleep on and I thought to myself ummm the only available side because I already chose my spot, the one I have been sleeping on for 10 years. And I thought there is no way I am switching sides. Is that right? I mean shouldn't I be wanting to build a new life with him and if it were me moving into his place wouldnt I want him to let me have some say somewhere? So maybe I am not ready? This house is my house and it will always be just my house. Him living here does not mean it is his house and shit as I write this I am convinced I need to take a step back. I need to have a real conversation with him and I need to feel secure about what him living with me will look like. 

I was telling my friend even though I am nervous I am not so jaded that I am not willing to try. The 3 men I have loved in my life are still a big part of my life and I do not wish away any of the years I spent with them as they are part of me. Even though JF and I struggle still I do not regret the 10 years I spent with him. I love him still and I still want the best of him and hope he finds happiness. My ex-husband and I had a great marriage until we didn't and in the end he is still one of the kindest loving people with me. D has given me so much in the way of seeing me as myself and not just as a wife and mother. Him and I have grown together and held this scared space around our relationship that was always just about me and him. And I dont just mean sex. We did a lot of talking over the years. 

I need to revisit this when I am not hormonal because tonight I feel like building my team again. I dont know why the kid thing has got me so much is a bad way. I have always said I would never want to raise children with him and I have always meant that. I love him but we were not meant to raise children together. And that is hard if he lives here. He would be part of out family and I dont know where to put that. Perhaps he just needs to bring his ass down for a weekend here and there so we can start to flush out some of my fears. Ugh my mind is full tonight. I feel like I dont ever need or want a man, and if the neighbor can just keep fucking me every Monday than I would be good.