Disillusioned

 Maybe I have become a little bit disillusioned with D. I know I have come to a place where I am kinda indifferent to our status. I like where things are with us. There is this expectation and level of commitment that I am okay with, but he is not in my house. I dont know if we will get there but I am ok right now where things are. We talk so much about living together but I think he needs to gain some trust of me and he needs to let go of some of his baggage. Those are his things to work on. On my end, I do have to get my kids sleeping in their own rooms and establish some routine over here. I am really feeling better lately and I see that I have really let go of some things I need to do with the kids. You know when you are just surviving things just get out of sync and not on the right trajectory. 

I have noticed myself being little bit more impatient with my kids. I am not sure what is fueling this impatience but I feel it. I feel them draining my energy and my peace from me at times with their nonsense. I am trying hard to be the type of parent that takes time to teach and train children throughout the day but good lord I just dont want to be bothered. Today, the 10 year old wants to open the package that came in the mail. I am trying to teach him how to use the scissors the right was to open the box and not stab himself, I let him do it a few times, then I put my hand on his to guide him and then I just said "move I will do it". And now I feel guilty about that. 

Or my daughter whispering things in my ear, most of the time it does not bother me but right about now if she whispers in my ear one more time I swear I am going to lose it. 

I have been on the fence wether or not I should fuck the neighbor too. I think part of my impatience is the lack of sex. Even when I dont really want sex my body does feel the tension of not having it. And I dont really want to have sex with the neighbor but in a pinch it will do. It is big and it is good. I probably won't cum but at least my body will feel less tense. 

I am moving my office at work. And I had pics of JF on my board in my last office and I took them down and put them in an envelope. I am on the fence if I will put them up again. I love the pictures. They are my favorite pics of him and the kids. There is this one of him holding the youngest as soon as she was born and the light in the picture looks like there is this ray of light shining down from her and it is amazing and I want to look at that everyday. I think if D ever came to my office he would me PISSED. And frankly I can see my co-workers asking me who that is and me being like "oh that is my ex" and that would be weird. 

I have been thinking about all the men lately. All the men over the years I have spent some time with have been jumping back in to my stream of thought. I feel like I am trying to decide if anyone has ever made me feel like D does. There are times I just want to call it quits with D and find a nice black man with a good dick and a stable job and who is gentler with me. A man who will spoil me with love and affection and will take care of me sounds amazing. But I can't quite get that fix that D gives me. There is something there that makes all of his nonsense worth it. 

We have not talked much this week. His job has not been going as he had hoped. They have been slower than usual and he has not been working every day. I know this is frustrating him but when I call him he is always in the middle of doing something. He is always working on something but it is disheartening that his work is not panning out as we had hoped. 

I dont even know where his head is at. He has been a little bit of an asshole this last two weeks. Our last real deep conversation was not great and I am just tired of trying to guess what he is feeling. I keep telling him he just needs to spend some time at my house. He is not doing it though. I dont know what the hesitation is. I am saying spend 2 days down here with me, spend a couple weekends a month. He knows people down here it is not like we have to be stuck together for 2 full days but we have to start spending more time together. I have see him in regular life and he needs to see me in regular life. This will be my next conversation with him, why are you not coming down here for more time? I can not even guess at what he will say about this. 

Maddening

 I called D this morning and this afternoon. And now I swear to God I will not call him until he calls me. I am not going to chase this motherfucker. This is where I draw the line in the sand, you can't answer the phone and talk to me? This is new for him. He never just does not answer my calls. Occasionally if he is working he will send it to voicemail but always calls me back within the hour. And even when we have beef with each other he will answer the phone and reiterate that he does not want to talk or whatever it is he says but he never just does not answer. So either his phone is broke or he is still pissed. Either way it is his problem. I did not do anything wrong. Meanwhile he has been in my head all day. I am exhausted with the hold he has on my mind. I am not so troubled that I am crying or that I did not go to two events today. And I was perfectly pleasant and had a good time. But in the stillness of my mind his name creeps in. I replay the conversation and I think about what I want to say to him and think about is this a normal relationship? 

All my life I have driven the men in my life nuts. Even my high school boyfriend. I do things, say things, that tend to piss people off. If I were to use a word that the men would describe me as I would say it is maddening. I am a passionate person and you can not just reign in the passion to certain areas of your life. I love hard, I fuck hard, I play hard. I give 100% to what it is I do and the men in my life have at times found me hard to live with and be with. I dont know if this is normal for all relationships but I know in all of mine this was a common theme. I sometimes do some dirty shit to people, especially when I feel like they let me down emotionally. I am not easy to love but looking back on my adult life I am WAY more easy going and easy to be with then I ever was. I mean, I am at a point where it is as good as it is getting. If D can not handle me at my current state then I do not know where we can go from here. 

And the worst part of all of this conversation with had was that I agreed with him on a lot of points. My kids do need to do better in a lot of areas. Respect for me is one of them. He just did not even want to hear me. He really was in such a bad state, it was unlike him. We went from talking about how good the sex was to his utter frustration with me. 

My mind was full of the concept of was this a normal interaction. I feel like I have no idea what to expect in a relationship. In all my relationships we have arguments and we get mad but I feel differently when D and I have words. Or maybe I have felt unsettled with the others and I just can't remember. I just feel unsettled with this with him. So then today I think staying single seems like the best route to go. When you are single then you dont have these feelings, there are no moments of unsettled feelings. There is not a need to work on things or communicate, you just live in your own space and you relish all the peace in your life. It is really something to consider. Are relationships worth the hassle? I love D, I could not love him more than I do but shit, this all feels like a lot of energy for nothing. I loved JF and my ex-husband too and those relationships required work. 

I remember with JF I would keep something like meeting minutes every time we had a serious conversation. This was because he was an asshole and always said he did not remember the conversation. So I figured I would handle that the same way I would with any body who I was needing to hear me. We put in writing. 

So hear I am, still feeling unsettled, giving all my energy to resolve that unsettled feeling and thinking about how to approach this topic when he decides to call me back. 

Parenting 101

 D came down again today. Another last minute trip and I was looking forward to see him even though my pussy still was sore from the other day. This time I heard him come in and I took my pajamas pants and underwear off and left on my long tank top on. I had no bra on. I got in the bed and then he just kind of started yelling at me about the curtains  being open. I jumped up to close them but he was so mad. He has brought this up to me multiple times. I might have blogged about it but he insists you can see into my room but you can not see in my 2nd story room in the middle of the day, at night yes, but unless I am standing at the window then you can not see. I never think about closing the blinds during the day, it is just not in my mind. He clearly feels differently about it. He said that I do it intentionally and that I must want my neighbors to see what is going on and look at me half naked walking around my room. (He did also complain about me taking the kids to school in my pajamas too). Nudity it not a big deal to me. I think once you live in the swinger lifestyle and do some gang bangs and shit like that a naked body is just a naked body. Oh my did he feel differently. He said that it is disrespectful to him that I show my body like that. And in my mind I am thinking no one wants to look at my body. Does it matter, because no one is looking. He was not really yelling at me, I exhaterate but he was talking to me in a stern tone of voice. I start to cry as he is talking. I was so excited to see him and I feel like he just stomped on my spirit about something that I did not think was a big deal at all. 

We only had an hour to fuck so me crying was not going to stop the activities. He gets in the bed and tells me to come over and suck his dick and I do - as I am actively crying. The tears start running down my face harder as I get close to him and he starts to touch me. I suck his dick and then he pulls me closer to him and spreads my legs and fucks me like there are not tears on my face. This was not a subltle cry, it was a real cry. His dick was hurting me because my body was not feeling all about it. And as he hurt me with his dick I pushed him away and he held me down and told me "go ahead fight me" and when I try to push him away he is so strong that I can not move. He keeps fucking me and eventually my body relents and the pain goes away. We fucked like 3 times in the hour and it ended on a good note. I had to leave to pick up the kids on time so I was in a hurry. I threw on my clothes while he was still washing his dick in the bathroom and said to him " I will catch you later" and I ran out the door. That was that. He left about five minutes after me, because I was alerted on the camera. 

Fast Forward to tonight. He calls me, which I think is weird but nonetheless we chat for awhile. He tells me that I was great today and why is it everytime I am mad at him do I fuck so much better. He always says this. I dont know if it is me that fucks better or it is him that likes it more. But then the conversation began about the fucking curtains. He reaffirmed how big of a deal it was and that he thinks that it is disrespectful for me to want to show everyone my body when he is with me. I wanted to remind him that we made a sex video (or several0 together and that was ok with him but he was not really in the mood. He said he has talked to me about it so many times and that next time he comes if I leave the curtains open he will leave. I tell him I hear what he is saying that the curtains being closed are important to him. I let him know "I GOT IT". 

But why did the conversation need to move on to the kids. He continues this retoric about how I am not raising my kids properly and how they will end up dead in the streets or in jail one day. Im mean it is nonstop conversations about that. I can not take it. He seems to think that by taking into account the childs emotional well being that I am creating a menace to society. And I am good at sifting through his dumb comments and his intense presentation. I am a social worker, I always have to look past the words that are coming out of peoples mouths and really hear the intention of what they are saying. Not all of us are great communicators. So what he is trying to say is that he cares about my kids and wants the best for them and he wants me to be less beaten down and less exhausted as a mother. I get that but his delivery and intolerance of my way is disheartening. I try to reframe what he is saying and give him the words that he is looking for and he softens a bit. But then he brings up that my house was a mess again today and that the kids are not cleaning up after themselves. This is 100% TRUE. By the end of the (and sometimes the beginning) I am exhausted and I dont have the energy to parent. His method is ask them to clean it up and if they dont to throw their stuff out. This is a real asshole move and does not take into consideration that fact that my son has ADHD and sometimes he forgets. He forgets his shoes on the way out the door for school on multiple occasions, he forgets what he is doing mid task. Sometimes he needs multiple reminders to do something and I refuse to teach my kids that their home is a place where they have to worry about their things being thrown out if they mess up. 

He proclaims he is not moving here. He can not because he knows what will happen. My sons will be disrespectful to me and he won't like that and I won't want him to discipline my kids. Then he will be homeless because we will get into it and he will need to leave. He is not wrong, this is my biggest fear! I think this is the biggest concern of mine about sharing my life with him. This is why I say to him he needs to spend time here with me and the kids and we start to get used to each other. I want my kids to be better at things like cleaning up and being more respectful to me. I know I have dropped the ball in that department in the last two years or so as I struggled with the end of my relationship with JF and depression and chronic fatigue syndrome. It is a lot. And parenting the way that I want to is sometimes something I do not have energy for. It is the sad truth. I dont think D is wrong to feel nervous because I am too nervous too. And I think I want the same things he wants in regards to the kids but their are different ways to make that happen. He chooses one path and I go a complete different way. 

He was so pissy on the phone, I want to cry but I dont. I try to speak my peace and he lets me a little but he is heated with me. It is like he simmered on this shit for the last 4 hours and called to unload that shit on me. He says he is done talking about it and he also says he is not coming down here until I get my shit together and then he says he is going and hangs up. I call about 4 minutes later because I am pissed. He is such an asshole sometimes. I mean like the biggest asshole I have ever known - but also just like my father. I mean just like my father. It is sickening to me to think about how badly I trying to heal childhood traumas in this relationship. 

So here I am, trying to work through my side of the story in this blog and unload everything that I needed say here. This kid things seems like such a hurdle I dont know if we will make it over it. I dont even know if I feel like trying right now. Maybe it is just better he shows up to fuck me and goes back to his place. Maybe this is as close as we will ever get. 

My Body, My Choice

 D called and said he wanted to come down this week. Our schedules were not looking like that was going to work so I did not think to much about it, but to my surprise he called me and told me he would be at my place about 2:40pm. I was so tired but excited. I was working from home and then I thought to myself I should probably get a shower. So I turn on some Biggie and get in the shower. I stand in the shower soaking up the water like I am trying to soak up some energy from it. My plan was shower and Adderall and hope that I have enough energy to fuck him for the next two and half hours. As I opened the shower curtain, I see him standing in his boxer briefs and I am surprised but delighted. He was about a half hour early and he let himself in the house and when I see him in my space I just feel so happy inside. 

This time he wants me bent over with my legs together first. This is my favorite position with him. I can get all the dick and it does not hit my cervix and hurt. I also like that I can sit up and ride it and then he will take over and I can lay face down on the bed and relax into it. He teased the pussy. He would put it in just a little bit and take it out and in a little more getting the tip of his dick just little bit wet with each thrust. We could feel it as my pussy stretched with every motion and we both notice how tight it was. It must have been the position, it was amazing. We do what we do. The same dance we have done for so many years. He makes me squirt, I cum a dozen or more times. Each time he cums in me I pull him closer and let the feeling of this man emptying his dick into wash over me. We talk a little bit about kids again and our differences in child rearing. We are on different planets, but the conversation was not as it usually is. This time it felt like we agreed to disagree. 

There is this new heat between us. I think it might be me. I think that he is ready to being in a committed relationship with me and sharing his real life with me makes me hot. He has been untouchable for so many years. I have had to stifle my love for him time and time again over the last 20 years. I cannot tell you how many times I would want to hug him after we spent an evening together but it was just not how it was between us. Im in love with him and I am allowed to show him that and tell him that and I am able to feel his love for me. And it all comes out in the bed. We fuck more passionately then I think we ever have, I have a new excitement for it all. 

I was talking to a co-worker the other day who knows all the details about me and D and I told her about us really being in a relationship. It was surreal to hear it come out of my mouth. And I told her "it may all crash and burn but at least we are giving it a try". And at this point in my life I have to try it. 

D talks about things in terms that surprise me sometimes and makes me think. I was talking to him about how I like to be myself in my room at like 7pm at night and that is the time the kids do what they want. I told him that I really need just to be by myself by that time of day. He response was "when I am here you would not want me to be near you"? I stumbled on this. Did I really want alone time or did I just not want to be talking to my kids? Would fucking me an suitable alternative to the quiet time I usually spend in my room playing Candy Crush and scrolling Tik Tok? I think it would. After all I am just looking for stress release so I think a dick would do it, even if he was just laying next to me I think that would work. It is things like this that make me think.... am I ready? Sharing a life and a place with someone is not always easy. 

I think I need to stop seeing the negihbor. I dont think I can do it. I dont want to fuck him but I feel obligated to let him fuck me. I feel like I am helping him out and I should continue to do it. Then I get some clarity and think to myself "what am I fucking stupid"? D is my priority and if he was ok with it that would be one thing, but he is not and he had been clear about that. And if I get real honest with myself, it is well within D's personality to pop up unannounced just to see what I am up to. He comes down this way for work sometimes, it is just not worth it to me. If D caught me fucking someone else I dont think he would every forgive me and that would devastate me. 

The world around me I feel like is crumbling. I feel like this is not the country I thought it was. Gas prices are outrageous, we can barely afford food and now my rights to an abortion are at risk. I am so deep down angry about it that I feel the need to go to a rally or some shit. I am so fucking mad and I to do what I can to make sure that my daughters have the right to make their own choices about their body.

I have had three abortions in my life. One at 17 and two at 39. I am not ashamed of these choices I made. And I am grateful that I had the choice. When I was 17, I was pregnant and did not know who the father was and I did not want to be a parent at 17. It was not even a moment where I considered an alternative option. The two men who could be the father were not people I even liked all that much and I was also taking pyhc meds that had warnings about getting pregnant. I did not question it, I made the appointment and found my way there. There were protesters there that day. I did not feel ashamed I just felt like this was something I needed. This was before the abortion pill. There were two ways to have the procedure. You could have the anesthesia or not. Anesthesia cost a lot more and I did not have that money so I went with out. When you are done you went into this big room where 15 other women are recovering and waking up from the procedure. Some are crying. Some are sleeping. I remember the smell of blood. You could smell it. This was like nothing I have every experienced. I did not understand why I felt like I was in a third world country with this procedure but that is what it was like, My experience was safe and I did not experience life long complications from it. And I was grateful for the choice - although at 17 I did not know just how lucky I was. 

Fast forward to 39. I had a 1 year old baby at home and 2 other kids. D had gotten me pregnant. This was also a choice that was made instantly with little consideration of any alternative. I could not have another kid. My body was beaten down from the last one. My body is getting too old to carry kids. My financial situation is precarious and I was not sure how I was going to afford day care for the baby I had let alone another one. I called my doctors office, naively expecting my beloved OB/GYN to be able to help me. She apologized and told me she could not that I would have to go to a Planned Parenthood. This felt like bullshit to me. Why could my doctor who manages all my other care, my doctor that performed the d&c I needed after my body failed to fully miscarry a pregnancy, my doctor who knows me, why was she not able to give me this abortion. It was just a pill. I just wanted the pill. 

I go to Planned Parenthood and feel the stigma of going to this place. The doctor I saw was lovely and caring and quickly gave me my pills and pain killers and sent me on my way. I was pissed that my doctor could not do this for me but I was grateful for an option to end an pregancy so quickly and with little risk. 

The 3rd time was much the same. D actually talked to me about finding a good birth control. I had tried the pill before but it made me crazy. Crazy like homicidal crazy. The hormones dont work for me and almost all contraceptives are hormonal. Side note- the pill is not as effective for women of my size and over 35 doctors recommend not using the Pill due to the stroke risk. Where do you go from there in reality D and I were using the pull out method for 20 years and we only got pregnant 3 times. That is not bad considering we had A LOT of sex. For fuck sake, I used a condom with JF and still got pregnant. I finally threw caution to the wind and got the copper IUD. No hormones but heavier bleeding and longer periods. Not to mention some other risk factors. But I am making it work. 

Abortion is not a glamorous thing that people are doing as a way of life. It is an option, a safety net if you will. I was whole grown up and still had unplanned pregnancies. I used condoms and still had unplanned pregnancies. It happens. It is just my right to decide what happens with my body.