Right to Raw

 To quote someone very funny off of Facebook "what a beautiful day for a dumpster fire" and that is just what today has become. I am sickened, absolutely sickened by the Supreme Courts overturning of the constitutional right to an abortion. I listen to NJ 101.5 a lot and I tuned into today to hear men calling in talking about how this is good and abortion should not be birth control and we need to look at our morals. Chills runs up my arms as I write this, no women is using this as birth control. Abortions are hard on your body and if for not other reason no women would willing put themself that kind of hormonal hell over and over again. And if she does it is likely she does not have the basic skills needed to care for herself or another human being. It is devastating to me that my sisters throughout this country might be finding themselves this very day in need of an abortion and have no where to turn. I am not angry as I felt like I would be but I am scared. I am is a quiet fearful place where I am acknowledging how my life has been improved and sustained because I had access to abortions. Where would I have been if I lived in a different place in the world where I could not get an abortion. It surreal. 

" If every time men had sex, they risked death, physical disability, social shunning, a life altering interruptions of their education or career, and the sudden life long responsibility for another being, I think the'd expect a choice in the matter"

I think about fucking the neighbor and I have happily let him cum inside of me but the IUD is not 100% effective. It is like 99%, which are good odds but are they good odds if I loose my right to get an abortion. And as a person who has had abortions in the recent past let me say, they are not easy to come by even in NJ. It is a process!! Your doctor can not do it. You have to go to Planned Parenthood. Then you have to try to get an appointment. (And there will be less appointments as more out of staters come here for their care). There is often a wait for service, so you take any appointment you are offered and that is after calling all the locations to find one that offers abortions. You have to move quick so you can get the Abortion pill otherwise you have to have the procedure done and that is not for the faint hearted and is not good for your body. You miss work that whole day because you have to drive about an hour from work, you wait there, you see the doctor, you take the pill, you drive home and lie to your partner about where you have been and why you dont feel well. The next day you take the 2nd pill and you wait for your body to do its work. You have to make another appointment to go back for an ultra sound to make sure your body empties fully and if you dont go back and your body did not empty fully you can die from the infection that will take hold in your body. Then the hormones in your body fuck up your body, your mind, you grieve for the life that just could not happen and you grieve for the trauma you just endured. And you do all this because you know that having that child would have been so much worse. 

So I tred carefully with the thoughts of who I allow in my body at the moment. Not because I use abortion as birth control but because abortion is an option that can get me out of a bad situation. How can I willingly let a man I do not want to have a child with cum in my body or even enter my body without a condom? It is too scary. 

I know it is legal here in NJ, but for how long? And how many hoops will I need to jump through? Will insurance not cover it? I remember when I had an abortion when I was 17, I had to borrow $200.00 from my sister to get it done. 

So think about this men, when the women you want to fuck raw tells you no because she is afraid of pregnancy, who did you vote for? 

Parental Exhaustion

 D called me back today. I had gotten out of my funk of missing him but I still took the opportunity to let him know how I was feeling. I said something to this effect:

    Are we just going to see each other once a month for the rest of our lives...he says No and I just keep talking... I tell him that I really missed him when he left the other day and I am having a lot of feelings about not seeing you regularly. So what is the plan. He says that he is taking things day by day at the moment as he is waiting for this transfer to come in. (He was told in Aug. a position near me would open up).  

I feel so connected to him in this moment. I feel like he hears me and he knows that I want and need more then I am getting from him. 

I take the opportunity to try to talk to my oldest about the possibility of D moving in. We talked about it about 3 months ago and she was surprised but she ok with it. Well today she just told me No and reverted back to a very 4 year old child and yelled at me how she hates him and she does not want him here. 

This took me out of my zen. First, her behavior was very immature and I thought to myself that this child still has a lot of growing to do. But I am also thinking why does she not want me to be happy. She must see how happy he makes me and always have. This is the child who at 5 said to me "why dont you just marry Desmond, I can tell you love him". Desmond is not a new to my life and not to hers but she had such a visceral reaction I just thought could I really have him move in if she is this angry? 

And I am also a little bit done of catering to my children. I have been parenting for 16 years and I am fucking exhausted. My kids get me all my free hours. I have never been away without them, I dont have relationships that they know about, I dont talk to men or even friends in front of them. All they see me is Mom, and in the last two years they have seen Mom in Work Mode but they know so little of me. I am so fucking tired of being just their mom and not having the time and energy for anything else in my life. I wam a person outside of them. I had a full life before I had them and for the most part I stopped doing almost everything I loved so I could be a parent all the time. I never went on date nights with their father because I did not like leaving them. If I have not been working I have been with them. And having sex has always been like an appointment I have had to schedule. When my oldest was little, I would have to go out after she was asleep so I did not miss her bedtime routine. When I did go to fuck parties I felt constant guilt for the time I did not spend with her. It was hard but is was a labor of love. I love these kids so much and I just wanted them to always have me near them. Our children are with us for such a small part of their lives I just wanted to maximize my influence on them and keep them safe. But for real I am like done. My youngest is 5 and I feel like I have ran the race and I need something for myself. 

And I know that D and I go back and forth with the living together. It is a roller coaster, but I am 99% sure it will happen. Maybe this year maybe in 5 years, but I can not imagine my life without him and I am taking the opportunity to do something for myself. 

I know sex is not a worthy reason but my ENTIRE adult life all I have ever wanted was sex in my own house and not have to plan or go out to fuck. Just think about that for a minute. Something that is so natural and needed by your body is something I have had to keep secret and plan on the down low my ENTIRE adult life. I am fucking exhausted. I want to roll over at night and have my dick. 

Now with JF I had a little bit of this but he did not like sex like me. He would be happy to have sex one time a week if that. But with D sex will be something I dont have to think about. It will be there when I need and when I dont. I won't have to beg for it, I won't be made to feel guilty for wanting it. Sex is so much a part of who I am and I how I define myself how many more years can I deny myself regular sex. 

Im aggravated with it all. I know that living with D will have it challenges, but I have put up with so much shit with men over the years why am I questioned for wanting to bring D into my life, even though he may cause some stress. 

There is a brief second wanted to walk away from motherhood today. I just want to be done. And as I finish this the tears are starting to flow down my face. It is so fucking hard being a parent. You love these little people with everything you have and you will give your life for them in a heartbeat, but sometimes you have to remember to take care of yourself. 

Peaceful Easy Feeling

 D did not answer my calls this weekend, but as soon as he got up this morning he was texting me about coming down today. He said he just left his phone in his truck all weekend and he worked the weekend as well. I was irritated that I could not confirm Monday with him but he said it was a firm commitment so I should have known. When he says he is coming for sure then he will be here for sure. I was aggravated and really thought I dont even want to be bothered, but God knows I needed the dick. 

I gather my children up to take them to my moms, and my oldest is crying because I woke her up and she does not want to go to my moms and it is chaos in the morning. So I left her home to sleep and thought to myself we are just going to have to fuck with her in the house. I am done hiding. It is just sex and I am doing it. 

So I go to take the kids to my moms and I wear my pajamas, my favorite pjs, a t-shirt dress, no bra and I did put on some panties. Then I go to pick up D. He was dropping a truck off for repair about 1 mile from my house so I pick him up in my pjs. This time he did not seem to notice or he did not care, he usually complains about it. We got back to the house and I need a shower and to brush my teeth, he does not complain about that either. He just waits for me in the bed naked. I get in the bed and start sucking his dick and he starts moving toward my pussy and we ended up side to side 69 and it was nice. He has been big on this 69 lately.  I dont love 69 but today was ok. Usually it is too much at once and I can not enjoy one activity if I am working on him. 

The sex was amazing like it always is. At one point we were spooning and he had his dick in me and just finished humming and I get help him there and let myself feel the dick loose its power and stay connected for a few minutes, but just about 2 mins later I feel his dick growing in me again. And we fuck again. 

This was a full squirting all over me,,, that shit was spraying in my face when he would thrust into me. It was hot, but we were covered in it. 

He fucked me on my back, on my knees, on my side, he reversed on top and put his dick in that way /(that was NICE)

We laid there and talked about life, but we did not talk about moving in. I did not want to talk about it and I assume he does not either  I feel connected to him again but now.... and then I fell asleep writing this. 

Today D is still heavy on my mind. I woke up this morning and as I wiped myself from peeing I instantly thought of D touching my pussy and how I wish I was waking up to his dick. This kind of got me in a sad place because I do want that bliss of waking up to dick and not having to wait for it. He called me early this morning, pretty much to talk about the fucking. He does this a lot. I know he likes it when he calls me to talk about it. As we relived the memory I wanted to talk to him about why can he not just come here for the weekend? He did not answer me at first but then he kind of gave me some bullshit reason. I am not talking every weekend but shit once a month....I did not like his response. It was not his words that bothered me but the fact that he was saying he could not / would not and where does that leave me. 

I sat with those feelings for the day and I worked up nerve to call him back and talk about my feelings but his phone was not ringing and then the second time I called he did not answer. And I am not calling again. But for me where does it leave me. I am STILL in the pseudo relationship that gives me just part of what I want. And while I am not a believer that is possible for one person to give us all that we need, he does not want me to be with other men so then I really have choose do I want D or do I want a regular relationship. 

And my gut always tells me I want D. I believe his is my person in this life, my lobster if you will, (as lobsters mate for life) I dont want to do life with out him and yet I find myself doing just that a lot of the time. When he is present and correct he is amazing and checks off all the boxes but when he is distant his lack of love hurts and leaves me bewildered. He is so up and down and that is a lot to tolerate but I will happily do it. We have been talking about this living together for a long time and I dont think I have felt any peace around it. There is always something in the way - money, kids, expectations, etc... 

But today I was intensely in need of dick. I had about 20 minutes to myself this afternoon so I played the video of D and I fucking and made myself cum. Then me and kids went to Walmart to pick up our grocery order. I missed my exit and found myself having to go through this town that was and still is my go to fuck town because it has lots of cheap hotels. I remember all the times of meeting D and all the other men there and I grew nostalgic for the fucking meeting with strangers. The nerves of sitting in my car and taking a deep breath before I exited to embark on an hour or two of carnal pleasures and wondering if this will be the one who ends up killing me or if some weird shit is going to happen. I miss that kind of excitement. I miss the going out for a fuck event and just knowing that you were going to go somewhere get naked and get the shit fucked out of you. And you would leave with the orgasmic glow and peaceful easy feeling I can only get from multiple orgasms. 

I finally made it to Walmart and the guy who came to the car was a young black man and he leaned on my car window and like was in my car, and shit that was all it took to have me thinking about taking his dick. That was it. I liked the way he leaned into my car like he was confident. There are some things about fucking young men that are nice. That ridiculous misplaced confidence is one of them. And they tend to fuck vigor. 

Father Day Funk

 Father's Day is a holiday that even though I try to not participate in the feelings keep coming. As a rule I do not acknowledge Mother's Day or Father's Day. I love my parents but something about celebrating their role as my parent does not feel like I am be authentic to my own trauma. I have really forgiven and moved on but there are just things that push my boundaries and bring back bad feelings and acknowledging these holiday is probably the worst for me. However, my mom asked me specifically to do something for my Dad because she said it hurts his feelings when I do nothing. Doing nothing is my life line but I dont want to make my Dad sad. I do love him and I am super grateful for most of the things he taught me and for giving me life and  if we carve out the alcoholism then he was a great Dad. SMH even writing this I am getting upset. I decided me and the kids would make him some food. I went to get the ingredient and I was angry doing it. My neighbor, the saint, helped my kids to make it and baked it and packed it up for me, while I sat in here kitchen and tried to make sense of all the feelings that I was feeling. I was anxious about bringing it over. I took it over as fast as I could. We did not stay long because JF was picking up the kids and as soon as I left that house I felt better. 

JF picks up the kids, and he speaks to me today. He asked me "how are you doing"? The kids were excited to go with him and happy to see him. He brought them back and we went to spend the afternoon at a pool with my ex husband and his fiancé. (My ex-husband is my oldest daughters father, no biological, D is her bio dad). My exhusband has been the most amazing father to my daughter. I could not have asked for a better man to help me raise this girl of mine. I literally can not complain about a single thing. He lives and breathes for her and loves her unconditionally. And his fiancé , she is amazing and sweet and lovely and if I had be pick a step mom for my daughter it would have been her. My ex husband renews my faith that men know how to be good dads. 

I come home to talk to my mom on the phone and before I know I am crying about how much I miss JF and how much I still love him. It is not lost on me that if we were to be together then we would have to live together and that feels like some bullshit I am not down for. And I dont think after he found the sex tapes (which for the record he saw ten years ago) he sees me in the same way. I think too much has been said and too much has been done. But I love him and if I could I would want to be with him,,,but I think that ship sailed. 

D is suppose to come over tomorrow morning, but I called him twice to confirm but he did not answer.  He is becoming very unreliable. 

For never was a story of more woe...

...then that of submissive girl and her Romeo. 

I don't know what it is about D and I that there is so much push and pull between that it has left me exhausted today. We have not talked in a few days. I have had my period and there was not much to talk about. He called today. I was indifferent about his call. It felt a little bit like a duty to answer it but I had an open mind. I went out to sit on my porch and see what he had to say. And just like the last time when I mentally feel disconnected from him he comes blowing back into my mind like a tornado. We talked about 40 minutes and he wanted to face time - we have never face timed before, but today he wanted to see me. He was throwing words like "baby girl" around and he was likable for the most part. 

It did not hurt that he looked so good on face time, his dark brown skin in his tank top and gold chain and his salt and pepper beard. He really does it for me. The look with the voice, it really does not take much for me get lost in the conversation. 

At about the 30 minute mark he started talking about kids again. He was less stupid then he usually is but still it is rubbing me the wrong way. I told him I had to pick up my daughter and I had to go. 

Why does he come swinging back every time I feel like I can let him go? It is like we just continue this ridiculous dance together. We are stuck in this ebb and flo and we never get on the same page at the same time. It feels a little like Romeo and Juliet. "Two star crossed lovers" who keep missing each other and never get to experience the full potential of their attraction. 

The neighbor reached out to me today. He wanted to play but I could not today since the kids were home. He made sure he told me how much he enjoyed fucking me, which frankly is good to hear. It never hurts to hear that from anyone. 

It seems as though I feel open to sex again and people just appear in my life. Some read the blog and have gotten wind of my desire to work with my team of dick again but other just maybe felt my universal energy that I am down to fuck again. 

I do think that is weird too. There was a time in my life where I would have thought that the energy that one puts out into universe is fleeting and non-consequential, but not anymore. Too many things seem to coincide with my energy and the things I think about to believe it is all a matter of chance. 

The most glaring example is my 2nd baby. I said out loud to my mom "I dont care who I have a baby with but I am having another baby". 12 days later I found out I was pregnant. This was years after trying to have another baby with D  to no avail. But of all the things the stressed me out about my divorce it was the  thought of not being able to have another baby. 

I think D feels my energy, even if he is not full aware of it, he senses it. Maybe it is my tone of voice or the words I choose. Maybe it is my subtle disrespectful replies I give him but he feels it. And not that I feel this magical closeness with him again but here I am in the same place I have been so many times before. I am low key aggravated with him for not being this man two weeks ago when I needed it. And I question my own loyalty and ability to love a man through the lows and highs. 

Euphoric Release

 I have put the desire of D living with me to bed, a least in the near future. Maybe when my kids are older and they don't require so much of me but since I have made up my mind about that I feel free. I feel lighter and happier with the notion that D will not be here to interfere with how I raise my kids and I dont have to make my kids sleep in their own room and they can stay will me every night if they want. It makes my spirt happy. Nothing in my life matters if my kids are not happy and having their needs met, so not even D matters if I have to worry about him and I fighting about be parenting my kids as I believe they should be parented. 

I feel AMAZING, these last few days. I am looking forward to fucking people again, guilt free. I might even go back to see the little dick local guy for fun. I am owning this single shit and I fucking love it. 

I am not saying that if D said tomorrow he wanted to come here I would say No, but I am saying it is not something that is on my radar anymore, it is not something I planning for and I am not planning on being monogamous anymore. 

I just let it all go and its all ok. I am feel really good about leaving D right where he needs to be in my life, right where he should be...on the back burner and a good staple every now and then. 

Alpha Female

 Life has been moving at a pace that I just can't quite keep up with all my blogging desires. Im not sure why school likes to pack in all the fun things at the end of the year and keeps us parents desperately seeking an end to the school year, despite know it will come with an end to our sanity and silent time during the day. Lemonade Stands, Trike-a-Thons, Field Trips, Family Fun Night, Fireworks, Community Fun Day, warm weather, play dates with the neighbors that last well past 8pm, kids needs a full shower and hair wash every night - all the things have kept me unable to do this. But I am here. I am here in my bed in the silence of my bedroom and I am ready to unpack it all. 

There is always D. 

D kinda went MIA for about two weeks. He called me on a Tuesday and said he would try to make it down that Friday and from that call I would not talk with him for another 13 days. I called him. He did not answer and did not call me back. This is my weakness. This is the very thing that makes me lose all my will power and all my self-control. A certain amount of time passes and I make up my mind and I start disconnecting. I scares me how easily I am able to disconnect. I dont feel sad but I do feel some internal turmoil but it is not sadness. I think it is just the uncomfortable feeling of not having my needs met. Like an infant is not sad that there milk is not in their mouth but they just scream because they know they are uncomfortable. I just shut all the feelings I have for D down. This is not something I just do with D, I remember when my ex-husband and I officially ended it I just shut all the feelings off and for the most part they never came back. I remember the day my divorce was final and I felt no sadness. In that case and I think with D I have done so much grieving for what I am missing during the relationship that I do not grieve for it once it is over, I just look ahead. JF was a little more a challenge for me but I do think that has a lot to do with the kids pulling at my heart strings. 

I call D again on this 13th day and he answers and I immediately scold him with a "where the hell have you been" in my very bold and aggravated voice (but also feeling so relieved that he is indeed alive). He immediately says to me "I am sorry, I know I should have called you", to which I am knocked of my soapbox and I start to struggle to gather my thoughts. We talk a bit more and I gather some more steam and I say but I called you like 6 times this weekend, it was really twice but I needed to add some drama. He tells me he did not see the missed calls. Now this is something I hate to believe, but he lives in an area with remarkable bad reception. So much so that we only talk while he is at work because whenever we try to talk at night the connection is so bad it is not even worth the time. And he has said that he has called me and I know I really did not see the calls. So I let it go. He calls me the next day just to talk and he says to me "I just have not been feeling like myself these last two weeks". I just want to pause for a second to acknowledge that this is not how he talks. He never talks like this or maybe very rarely. I talk to him about what is going on and he persists that he does know he just is not feeling himself. I urge him to go to the doctor because after his aneurysm a few years ago not feeling like yourself could be something to do with that. He brushes it off. We dont talk for a few more days. He calls me again several days later and he is back to himself. It was almost like he was in a manic phase. I am not saying he is bi-polar but the difference was really noticeable. And I call him manic because he was happy but not in a good way. He wanted to talk about kids again and I am tired of it. I dont want to hear anymore. I am really happy with my kids development and I can rest easy at night knowing I am doing the best that I can do with them. 

He is right when he says that we can not live together, because I can not and will not listen to his stone age rhetoric about raising kids. I was laying in my bed talking to him away from the kids because I never talk to my friends or lovers in front of my kids. But I just felt an uprising of strength and disgust and I told him ' that nothing is all right or all wrong and his way was not perfect and nor was mine and that he had his own kids to parent and I would handle these three. I was very curt with him and I was expecting some push back but I got none. He just let it slide, which was unusaul. I was so frustrated, as we were talking my youngest, who is 5, came in my room crying. Crying because her brother ate the last piece of candy and she did not get one, and she was hungry and tired and crying. I gave her a hug and asked her if she was hungry and she said yes, and I told her to go downstairs to her sister because dinner was almost done and he sister would help her get her food. She was still crying some but was on her way to get some dinner. Problem solved. D actually says that she needs to learn she can not always get her way, and I said yes, she is. His thought was that I should have told her to go cry somewhere else because I did not want to hear it. What is the actual fuck is this man's problem and inability to nurture and love on children. I was disgusted and I told him I had to go eat dinner with my kids. 

He called me again to plan a day to come down, but I have my period now. That is where we left it. 

Meanwhile in D absence I made plan to see the neighbor. I needed dick so bad and D was doing what he needed to so I feel guilt free when I asked the neighbor to come by. The neighbor might be the biggest player I have ever met. This man has balls! He lives like 3 house down from me but he wanted to fuck and his wife stayed home from work that day. So this son of a bitch tells his wife he is going to go pick up breakfast from a local place and so he has time to fuck and get them, he calls the order in first but then tells her he had to wait for it. I am laughing and shaking my head as I write that. 

The dick was amazing, but I think more than that I needed it. For the first time fucking with him I hear myself moaning the deep guttural moan, that you may have heard in the videos. That is the kind of moan where I can not think when I am being fucked, I can do anything but respond in the most primal way of this groaning. It was really amazing. Quick and to the point and he did cum inside, but no pictures. 

I have been feeling really content in my singleness. I feel like I am killing the single mom role and I mentally feel really good. I have really enjoyed not having to answer to anyone and I have liked being able to raise my kids exactly as I want. But the other day I am in the shower, just washing my hair and into my head like a lightening bolt is I should just go back to JF. And then I felt sad all over again about the loss of that relationship. I thought about how in love with him I was and how amazing it felt to have that kind of love in my life. I thought about the choice we made together to bring this last baby of mine into the world and I thought about the day I got pregnant and how I felt 100% secure that he would love me forever and would always be incredible father I have seen him be thus far. Love is a fucked up thing!

Today, I had a new washer delivered to my house. And I was fielding calls and emails from work as I opened and closed the door for them and it occurred to me that there was a time in my life I would have totally been considering or at least trying to feel out if they were down to fuck. Today, I felt like I did not have a free moment to think about fucking. My phone is buzzing about once a minute with emails and the phone is ringing. I agreed to take on another program temporarily and I also agreed to take a 4th program starting next month. The pace is constant hustle, but I secretly love it. I am working long days with no breaks and I am thriving! Sometimes the fear of not enough free times stresses me out but in reality I really dont do so well with free time. The work helps keep my mind right. 

The other day it occurred to me that it was the last full day my kids would be school and I looked at the clock I had 20 minutes until I had to pick them up......so naturally I thought I need to make myself cum because I dont know when I will get another chance. LOL So I closed my computer made myself cum and got the kids and got right back to work. 

Just to circle back to work a minute. I have a new staff and there is this woman there who is about 32, mixed race, grew up in a poor town and continues to live in a poor town. She has her Master's Degree but she has worked at an entry level job for 9 years. She was overlooked for the position I have now and she was not happy about it. So fast forward to me starting to supervise her, and she has been blantenly disrespectful to me. I met with her about it this week and she has changed her tone with me a little bit but it has made me have to be a little bit more assertive than I usually am at work. My baseline at work and home is Alpha Female but this bitch has made me need to step it up a bit. I also kind of like it. It challenges me in a way that I have not been challenged. I am used to my staff who do not like to work like me crying in response to my management style but I kind of enjoy this type of challenge. And to be clear my management style is really to give people the space and tools they need to do the job well, but I expect a strong commitment to excellence. You would be amazed how many people are perfectly content to just get by rather than excel. I hate that kind of low achieving employee. 

And as evidenced by the last decade plus of my blog, when I do something I give it 100%

Update on the trucker - 

He text me today. He said he has been going through a rough time and lost his truck but he got a new one back. So maybe the walk of shame through the trucking parking lot again soon.