Goodbye Tour

 I was out late with my family and had some quiet alone time in the car while I drove. These are the moments that I live for; the quiet times in my life when everything else fades to black and I can use my mind to dive deep into my thoughts. And once I get these times to do this indulgence I always end up here. 

I watch a show called "Call the Midwife" on PBS. I have watched all 11 season probably 5 times over by now. I love it. There is this episode where there is a women who is pregnant and in labor but struggling to progress in her labor. The back story is this is her 9th pregnancy and she lost the 8 previous and this is the first child she has carried to term. And so during her long labor the midwife takes her through the process of remembering each pregnancy and talking about each child she named and lost and what hopes she dreams she had for them. And when she had purged all this information, when she had given voice to all the souls she grieved for only then her labor progressed and she was able to have the baby. And she delivered a wonderfully healthy baby. 

I am having this experience in my way. As I get my quiet time I am slowing recalling and reliving all the men, all the scenes, all the parties, all the places I have been fucked in all the ways. In my way I am on my journey of closing a chapter in my life so I can give birth to a new relationship. 

Tonight I highlight Ray. I dont know what pseudaname I had given him but tonight in my musings of him I think he deserves more than and initial. I met Ray when he stopped by my house looking for scrap metal. He is Jamaican and so naturally I was intrigued. He is not a particularly strong or muscular man. He is thin and tall. He voice was like a the sound of happiness to me and his dick was uncut. I dont know how we made the move to start seeing each other but it was so nice. He was always gentle and made me feel good. And he was caring. He was always there to help me. When I moved into my home he helped me paint this entire house and he helped me move in. He would spend the night with me sometimes. He is a hard worker. I love a hard worker. If things were different I could have seen myself with him. He is the type of man that I like; hard working and easy going and likes sex. I know I have talked about him before but after I had my son he stayed with me to help me. He helped me more than he could ever understand. Like two new parents we attended to this tiny baby, to which I did not know who the father was at this time. That same week my sister went in to early labor and gave birth to a very tiny sickly baby and my mom was spending a lot of time with her - understandably so. But my support system, my mom and sister, were both gone at a time I needed someone. I dont even think I asked Ray for help. I just remember him showing up for me. I talk with him from time to time. He does not live close to me now. I would like to hug him. After he moved away he did get circumcised. He was the only man I knew that could talk about sex before and after circumcision and he says it is better being circumcised. That surprised me! Maybe there is something to it. 

Then as I drove, I past this truck place and B would go there for work and would stop by me and see me. I liked him too. I remember we had some really good conversations. I liked him as a person and I loved the way he hit me. He was so good at the spanking and roughing up. I am going to go ahead and say the best ever in the department. We did not see each other too much. I wish it could have been more. He text a few months ago but by that time I am just a little too far gone with D. 

I drove past the Target truck parking lot at the warehouse and I thought of the trucker. Oh the trucker has so much potential. He seems to be all over the place in terms of his life. He is painfully inconsistent and that kind of inconsistency invokes the feeling of risk. I have to mitigate my risks in my kind of lifestyle. It makes me sad because I did like him too. 

I like a lot of people. I like the newness of people and getting to know people and I am fascinated about how differently sex goes down with each man. It is never the same thing twice. Each man has their own style about them. I think I have had enough of trying out new dick though. As much dick as I have had nothing has made me happy like D dick makes me. Sometimes new scenes and new places add flair but I am ready - I think- to not have to worry about condoms and fear of stds and getting murdered when meeting a random new man. 

D sometimes talks about how we only have sex in the bed. And I am like, yeah, I pay a lot of money for this house and the bed is the best place to fuck in it. I feel like I have fucked in so many places, with so many variables and kinks that maybe I did everything that interests me. At least for now. I can't think of a single sex scene that I want to have enough to act on it at this time. There is mild interest but when I think about what if D were to find out a bout it - it becomes quickly unworthy the risk. 

Having said all of that, I never delete text messages on my phone and I was going through some all conversations with some random people. I wanted to delete them but I could not bring myself to do it. Like it was some weird insurance policy that if I need random dick at least I have some leads. It is crazy. There is so much thought when it comes to my team of dicks. 

I hope these men think of me and remember me for being easy going and friendly and a good fuck. Like I hope that in their quiet moments I might pop into their head and bring a smile to their face.

I spoke to D the today. He called m on his way to work today. I was on the phone with my boss and I put her hold to take his call. I told him I was on the phone with my boss and I just took his call but I was not sure if he wanted anything, in his super smooth voice he say "No I did not want anything, go ahead and do what your doing, I will catch up with you later" It was the perfect amount of conversation for me. It was a check in so I know he is thinking of me, but nothing more was needed. I always felt like I needed a lot from men in relationships but I dont. I just need the right type of attention. I need dick and check in and good conversations in bed after we fuck. Not much. I finally am letting myself figure out what I need vs what society tells we should have or what a relationship should look like. 

Rape On the Brain

 I had everyone packed up in the car and arriving early for Summer Camp today. My plan was to come home do a meeting and then fuck D all day. Lay in bed naked and touching and just enjoying each others company.  About 10 minutes into my meeting I get the call from summer camp that I had to pick up my youngest because she threw up all over herself.  D was already here so I was going to have to make it work. 

I came into my house from picking her up. He was already here and dug through my drawers until he found a butt plug that I have. He was excited to try it out, I was like "damm, do I have to".  I settled my daughter downstairs and she fell asleep and I got to work. Sucking dick and fucking. We did try the bug plug and it was fucking amazing. It gave my body the time to adjust and when we took it out and fucked he was able to fuck my ass like he has never before. AND I loved it. He fucked me from the side from the back, up on my knees bent over, I had to ask him to fuck my ass harder. I loved it. What I was really wanting was him to fist me while he was in my ass but we did not get there. I did not ask for it and it did not occur to him. I am almost ashamed to admit I was so resistant to using the but plugs like  I was. 

We had fucked most of the day. And we were laying in bed together and I was just talking about how I was putting some aquaphor on my pussy lips because there was a lot a friction and they were stinging. And how I need to go down stairs and spend some time with my daughter. And he said "you are saying no more" and I say in the most sweetest way "well I will never say no, but I thought that you seeing that I was in pain and knowing I want to check on my daughter you would want to call it a day, but I am not saying no" he smiled sweetly and said "that's my girl" and then added "give me 20 more minutes" and so I did. 

We spent sometime together downstairs talking with my youngest and having snacks. He was eating junk food which surprised me. I have never seen him eat junk food like that. He is loosing weight. He looks a little different that he has lost weight but I still look at his face and fall in love all over again. In bed I want him to lay his body on me but that felt werid to ask so I would just snuggle him when we were taking a break. 

My mind was consumed with rape while we fucked. I thought what if he was raping me - how would I feel? Would I cry? I tried pretending that he was raping me while he was on top of me fucking me. Feeling my body shift with each thrust of his dick and thinking to myself he is raping me and I am too scared to fight back. I got very in my head about it. I could not achieve the orgasm from this thought process because as soon as things got close my mind would take me somewhere else. And then I would come back to rape again. 

I hug him and he hugs me. I hang on him a few minutes because I want to keep touching him. We are getting along nicely today. I have been working 11-12 hours days and have not had the time to keep my kitchen clean, or the rest of the house. I thought I would hear him bitch about it but he just said "you will get to it when you can" What a switch from the last nonsense I had to hear. 

D and I had a conversation about how I am not quite back up to my level I was when we first met and I was like you bean when I was 20. He said I am the same as I was as a 20 year. I said no you are  not and he put me on the spot and asked what was different. I could not tell him, his dick takes longer to rise , and it does not get rock hard like it used to. He urged me to tell him but I could not.That would hurt his feelings I think

Hugs

 The other day I had a rare moment of my house being free of kids and I invited the neighbor over. He walked to my house and saw a black man about 500ft from my house and frantically text me wondering if knew that man. It freaked me out at first because I thought what if D was just showing up.... that would not be good. Alas, I told him I do not know that man please just come in. 

He gets upstairs and I walk over to him and he hugs me. He hugged me. And I was really surprised by this and more surprised when I felt myself leaning into him and letting him hold me for a few seconds. I inhaled his smell and just soaked up this affection. Then things went right into their normal routine and he fucked me hard. I hear myself groaning, I even squirted a little bit and then he came inside of me. We talked a few minutes about life and we parted ways. 

I sheepishly told my friend about the hug and all the feelings that I had about it. There was something new about this white man hugging me. I dont know it was different because he was white but it was something about it that it just hit different. I hate to put this into words but it might have felt a little bit like a parental hug from my father. 

I am also a little bit deprived because I have not seen D in a bit. I dont even know how long, but too long. My body needs touching from someone other that my kids. My kids are always hugging me of laying on top of me and if they are not on top of me they are right next to me. As I write this my youngest is laying right next to me, touching me like we could be conjoined twins. I  need touch but not even sexual but maybe just intimate touch. 

I only spoke to D for about 30 seconds this week. I took his call while I was at work and had to step outside because I was eating lunch with my staff at the time he called. He said he had to get his phone repaired and did not have it for the week and just picked it up and called me. We talked about next week and made a vague plan. I really want to lay in bed with him all day. I want to lay my head on his arm while I snuggle into him until he flips me over and fucks me from the back. I am desperate for adult time. The last month has really been daily swim lessons, pool time and work. I just want my time to do what I do to feed my spirit and what I do is sex. 

It has been bad that I have thought about all the players in my life and I have been beating the idea of calling the local guy again, and I dont know where the trucker has been. And that one guy from Trinidad I dont even know what I called him but I like him. I like the sound of his voice and how he fucks and I miss that too. I miss it all. I think this is all resolvable with a little bit of time with D but we will see how I feel. 

If I had more free time I would be more inclined to go out and have some fun, but right now I am just kinda of seeing how things go for the next week. 

When you are Happy and you know clap your hands

 So men have feelings too...They teach us as children when we are happy clap our hands and when we are sad to frown. Why do men lose this? What happens to when you are embarrassed and hurt you acknowledge it? Can't we sing a little song that says when someone hurts my feelings I let them know in a respectful way. 

I am just in my own world again or still. These kids are with me all day every day and my day is spent working and when I am not working I am cooking, cleaning, entertaining, working on sight words, shoe tying and making sure chores get done. But in the stillness that sometimes come when I am just fluttering around being a Mom things just pop into my head, things and people. 

Today it was this man I saw like 1.5 ago. He lived about 30mins away from me and had his own place. He was close enough that I could drive there, fuck and drive back and be back home in two hours. It was good in that respect. He was clean, his place was nice and from what I remember he had a nice dick but I dont remember the details of it and the sex was good. We only fucked twice and he never called me again. When I first went to meet him he was nervous, I was not nervous but I was busy and I did not have the time for his shenanigans. I mean he asked me if I wanted to watch a movie for christ sake. I can't imagine what he was thinking - a movie. I want to make a movie but hell no I do not want to watch a movie with this stranger. 

I pulled him close to me and pulled his dick out and just got things started. I remember there was a lot of awkwardness in the air. He was hard and he was fucking me but I could tell he was not comfortable. The second time was much the same. Maybe it was just our chemistry or maybe he did not like feeling like a live dildo. And so today as I wiped down the kitchen counters he popped in my head and I really thought on that a moment. I was so dominate that I was just using him for what I needed and without a whole lot of regard (lets be honest no regard) for how he felt. Maybe that is why he did not call me again. 

As a women I feel like we are brought up to believe that men have less intense feelings then we do. We believe that men are inherently different than women. And they are different but I think men have many more emotions than I have ever really noticed. I know it sounds ridiculous but ATTN MEN if you dont show your feelings in a way that I understand what you are trying to communicate then I dont know you have feelings. Maybe it is me, I am super literal and I have said it before but I am positive I am on the Autism Spectrum. But it is men too because some of these fools dont know how to use their big boy words and say "that really hurt me". 

My ex-husband would not tell me that he did not want me to sleep with other people when he had a problem with his dick. And he would not say he was too embarrassed or scared to go to the doctor so instead he said "go have sex with other men" and when I line up a 9 man - all black gang bang, I am the bad guy. Had he said he was struggling I would have helped him and waited for him and worked with him, but I took what he said as the actual thing he wanted. 

JF showed his true colors when he would say he did not care that I had sex videos etc, until he saw that then he flipped the switch. Maybe he did not know he would get so angry but good god he was mad. And did he say his mad - Nope, he shamed me and called me a slut instead of saying how he was really feelings. 

Then again D, I tell him he hurt my feelings and he says " you are the only one with feelings". My answer to that is yes because I am the only one that shows my feelings. He told me he was still mad at me for fucking the local guy and that I told him he give great oral sex! And since I have told him that, D in fact has stepped up his oral sex game and it just occurred to me why. If he just could have said how he felt in the first place then I could make the choices about have sex with other people with that knowledge, but to throw it up in my face like I am supposed to know it. He always says I should know he loves me....should I man because I dont, or I didn't before. I see it now as we have beaten that topic into the ground but for more than a decade I could not tell if I was just an easy fuck or if he really loved me too. 

This week there will be no fucking. I have my period and I have the kids. We are going to an amusement park Friday with friends and Saturday to another park with JF. JF and I will be together all day. I got feelings about it. I pretty sure I am going to micro dose and edible so I can get through the day without thinking too hard on anything. 

Quirks

 This week has been a long one. I worked from home all week. My kids were with me all week. My oldest is working and then went over her Dad's overnight this week to finish her last assignments for her college classes. My best friend who is my neighbor is on vacation for the week. D could not come down this week because my Mom would not watch my kids because the youngest was sick and I made it through the week but good lord tonight I am lonely. I am really lonely. It should also be noted that I am expecting my period in 7 days and the hormone shifts have been intense this month. I could feel the shift in hormones by the hour.  I could feel the progesterone levels dipping as the fatigue set in, as the deep rage began to surface, and tears began to sit on standby and as the food cravings kicked my ass. So not a stellar week this week in the big picture of life. 

I had been really working on my health the last 2 weeks and managed to loose a few pounds. I am confident that I have gained that back with the food I have been eating. I dont even eat a lot in general. I usually will eat because I am tired or I have a headache but rarely because I am hungry. I just dont feel hunger as I once did. But the food cravings had me eating constantly. I am afraid to even get on the scale. I dont want to be disappoint in my lack of progress. 

I have also started exercising. This is really for no other reason than I feel my lack of stamina when I am having sex. D always has been thinking about being in prime condition for fucking and I know that I been in such a bad place mentally that I stopped doing some basic things that are good for my body - good for my fucking with my body. Stretching - I have been slacking in that department and you know over 35 your body started to become less forgiving. I have not been walking or exercising I have just been existing. So I am proud of myself in that regard. It feels good to be moving in the right direction and have the energy to do it. 

My ex-husband and I have had a rough week. I was not thrilled that he had my daughter every night this week and then thought he was going to have her spend the entire weekend there too. We have no butted heads in many years and by no means is it a fight or anything dramatic but he is getting on my nerves. So many times I am reminded of why we would have never worked out. I dont even know what I was thinking when I was with him. I met him when I was 17 - such a baby. I did not know myself well and I was just going through the motions. Although this week with my daughter not at home every night I felt this weird empty nest sense. Of course there were two other kids here but generally it was weird not to have the three of them around. It is defiantly a shift and I am not sure if I liked it. 

And the youngest was sick so she was VERY clingy. She was literally touching me 90% of the time this week. And she was not touching me she was 2 feet from me. This is hard on me. The constant touching is hard for me to process. It is over stimulating and feels like a noose at times. But there is other times we will happily lay on the couch together and she will literally lay on me and that pressure feels good. I have a lot of quirks when it comes to the sensation of touch. I always have. I like pressure on me. As an adult a weighted blanked feels good but as a kid my sister would pile all the pillows on top of me and lay on top of it and I found that pressure so soothing. Clothes are the other part of touch I struggle with. When I shop I shop by touch. I go through the racks and feels things and then if I like the feel I will look at it. I do this with my kids clothes too. I can't put them in clothes that dont feel good to me. My socks are the best when they are worn so thin that you can see through them. The same with my bath towels, I have nice towels for other people but for me I have my own set of very thin worn towels that feel the best to me. I occasionally have to use a new towel and I hate it. I think most people would not think of that but touch really dictates how I live. 

I am always trying to minimize my belonging. It is a constant goal because I need to live in an uncluttered space and with three kids they are alway accumulating crap. So today I am trying to throw away a shirt that I have not worn in 2+ years. It is so soft and comforting but it is see through and I would only wear it home with a tank top or as part of a layering thing in the winter. I tried but I could not let it go. It is too comforting. 

I recently bought some vintage arylic blankets of eBay. Acrylic blankets from the 80s are my thing. They are amazing! And you can not buy them in stores for years but everything about them is comforting to me. Even the poor quality ones that never soften up, still good!

So anyway, Lonely is the theme of tonight. I played sand with my daughter for like an hour, made dinner, laid on the couch and did this and that is about it. I am really hoping tomorrow will somewhat more exciting for me. I really can't wait for my friend to come back from vacation. That might be a lot of my loneliness. I usually talk to and see her every day.