Just like a gang bang

 I had to have a procedure on my eyes in the operating room today. It was not a serious thing but they need a tool that they only have in the operating room. But I was only getting local anasteic meaning I will be fully awake and aware. I had to take myself into a zone to to get to a place that I can relax that much to allow her to cut and stitch under my eyes and all around my eye lids. I get in there, and I still had to be naked under the gown to go into the OR and they lay you on the table and then all at ounce all these hands start touching you without your consent. If I we're under like most of the time people are I understand that just do what you need to but being fully awake and and alert it is weird as all these people ascend on to my body, They are moving me sticking things on me and just talking and talk about shit as I am ultra aware of everytime someone touches me. 

It was like  a gang bang. I get into the same zone. It is almost a the same you lay down and no one gets  your consent for anything as you being there is your consent, Hands all over you. sometime you can't quite tell what they are doing and you do know who it is giving pleasure or who is making you uncomfortable. you grab the man closest to you to hold on to him while your body shakes with orgarsm. 

Secret Super Hero

 D came to my house today. The kids were with my parents and we had the house to ourselves, which just simply means now that I can scream as loud as I need to.  I was really tired this morning. I did not get up til 8 and I was running a little behind to drop all the kids off. I rushed home to get a shower and went to lay down for a minute and he was there. It is 915am and he is ordering me to get my clothes "all the way" off and get in the bed. I must admit I was beat and did not know how I was going to do this marathon of dick for the day.  Things begin as they always do but good lord he was rough with me. Almost like he get a kick of caffeine or something and he comes at me with no reference for good and bad pain.  He just goes 100% balls to the wall fucking with wild abandon and today I was really in the mood for something more gentle. 

I ask him inquisitively what time he gets up for work, because I know how far he has to drive and replies 4am. He said he went to bed at 12m last night. I wish I could say this was unlike him but I know this man does not need sleep. I dont know how many nights we have spent together but I do know when he says he wants to "fuck all night" that is exactly what he means. He literally fucks all night with no down time. It is not just a figure of speech for him. Today, his sleeping patterns began to worry me a bit. I just thought to myself is this man going to let me sleep? If you read this blog that only thing that I need as much as I need sex is sleep. I need sleep so much that I was pretty much incapable of taking care of my babies in the middle of the night because I just can not do it. If I am too tired I dont hesitate to take time off work. There is this intense fatigue that hits me at a certain part of my cycle and I am defenseless to its intensity. I have learned just to give in. But Shit, he wants to fuck all the time and I want to sleep. I know he will wake me up with his dick, I just dont know if I can help him understand that if I dont get enough sleep I will be fucking miserable. 

He said to me "When I move in you are going to be so excited to get your period just so you can get a break". This is true. I know it is. I will also add a day or two to my reported period just to insure my body gets a proper rest. 

He does not even take a rest lately. Usually we will fuck and talk and sometimes watch tv. But the last few times he has been down there is no tv, and the talking is minimal. Christ today I am trying to talk to him about just regular stuff while he is trying to get his dick back in my pussy. I am not sure what has fueled this new energetic fucking. I miss some of the laying together we used to do. He used to sometimes take a 10-15 nap in between fucking and I would lay with my head on his arm and my arm wrapped around his waist and I would think how nice it would be if I could lay like this every night. 

He got a call from work that he needed to go pick up something down here and so I was like (in my head), this is fantastic. It is only 12:30 I  can run to the grocery store and lay down for the afternoon. When he tells the guy on the phone he will be there in 15 minutes I sigh with relief. But that was short lived and he goes to get up and says " I want to fuck you one more time". But after that I learned that he was going to take care of the work issue and was coming right back. Im not saying that I did not want to fuck him and that I was not having some amazing orgasms, because I was but I am exhausted. And I just did not know how I was going to make this happen all afternoon. 

Fucking D I can really do as little or as much as my body will allow me. Seriously I can just lay there and he does not complain. He will move me in ever position there is and make it work. He does love it when I fuck him but if I am kinda of checked out (which happens after hours of fucking sometimes) he will take over and he ALWAYS draws me in. I start off distant and tolerating his dick in my body and we always end with me crying out in ecstasy. I told him today he is like the Sex Super Hero. 

He has not even talked about my kids or my dirty house recently. But he is talking to me about other things. Today he shared some thing about his ex wife and I fucking loved it because she came out looking bad in it. I still wonder how she feels about me, if she blames me? 

I went to hug him when he was leaving and I grabbed onto him and reveled in his touch. I needed this touch after all the other touching today. 

In unrelated information, I was eating some marshmallows today and thought to myself these feel remarkably like a soft dick. In particular the way the feel on your tongue mimics the soft skin of a cock. I will never eat a marshmallow again with out being profoundly aware of this. 

I just thought about when I will blog when he is here. Usually I do it in my bed at about 8 or 9 when my kids go watch tv and I listen to some music and let the words come, but how will I explain this. And if he asked what it is ? Do I tell him is is a detailed report of every time we fucked and everytime I fucked someone else for the last 13 years, give or take. lol. There will be so much to work out. 

I wanted him to say to me today "Everything will be ok, we will work it all out", he says that in his own way sometimes but today he was not giving me the reassurance I was looking for. Today just left me drained. I wish I had his super powers!

Transitions

 The other day I opened my computer and it came up to my blog post " The Good Bye Tour" and it made me sad just to see that post title. Oh this really is a time of transition in my life. I am mentally preparing myself to make this choice again to put all the team members on the bench. 

Yesterday, D was in south jersey, not even close to me, but close enough for him to drive 100 miles out of his way to stop by for an hour and half. I see him pull up and let him in, the kids were home so he talked to them for a bit. The kids were deep in the midst of their electronics (as I had planned) so no one had time for him. We happily went up stairs. His dick out on his knees on my bed I go to suck his dick and he demands I get the clothes off. I comply but not all tougher wanting my nakedness on display, but he devours my body. He is touching all of me, like I am a fresh and new to him. He is touching me in a way that lets me let go of my fears and short comings. He dick is seemingly bigger to me. He looks swollen and massive and rock hard and the sweet tears fall from my eyes when he enters my body and I feel him stretching me. 

The way his dick feels is so different during the different days of my cycle. Right before my period I can take his dick with no problem. He can't hurt me with his dick if he tried, but good lord, just after my period I have really work hard to let him all the way in. He (most of the time) is good about working my way up to full penetration. We spend some time doing this and after about 20 minutes I am able to really fuck. It seems to be a new trend for us that he dick does not come out of me while we are together. He will cum and then we just keep fucking. This might be his best quality that he needs zero recovery time. 

He eventually tell me he wants me on top. He tells me to do it and I dont want to do it but I do, because what am I going to tell him No? That does not even cross my mind. I climb up on his dick and let my by body rest all my weight on it and I start to move in a way that feels good to me and he loves it. I lose myself in the dick and letting myself go. I feel good on top but it is not long before I catch myself. I become aware of my weight on his body and I feel like I am too much. I stops and he grabs my ass and pulls me forward and fucks me so fast and hard while my tits are in his face. It is amazing! I love that he gives me this experience and that his pushes my boundaries and makes me get on top. I love that he moves my body like  my body is light and it is no effort for him to move and manipulate me. This is also an AMAZING quality. 

He is fucking my ass and to my surprise I am so relaxed and it feels so good. I almost ask him about bringing another dick for double penetration while he is fucking me. SMH. It is like I lost my mind for a minute. It is not a good time for me to ask while he is fucking me. But that is like the only thing I have never been able to do and I still want to do it. 

When we were done he told me his work transfer has come through and that he was just waiting for a date. I was in shock. I did not have a lot of time to process this but my first reaction was kind of a empty shock. I can't say that I was excited or not just seemed surreal that it has actually happened like he said it will. It was like shit really just got real, but not in a bad way. I did not have any negative feelings just a realization that I am really on this road to being with D. After all these years, all the tears I cried for him, all the angst I have felt wanting him to love me and hug be, after the baby and marriages ending and ins and outs of our lives we are coming together. It feels so good. I feel so complete. 

I find myself going in and out of the two versions of myself. One day I will be at the Wawa and I will be oblivious to men and their comings and goings. I am not on the prowl and I am not exuding the fuck me energy. Then there are nights like tonight where I am in the Acme and every black man I see catches my eye. This love 45 year old ish black man, who stood next to me at the deli, smelled like D and it just makes me wet immediately. I did not want dick even. My body still hurts from yesterday but I wanted this strange man to put his hands on me. I wanted to be vulnerable and at his mercy. All of this while I stood in line at the deli. My short time in the store there were 3 other men that made me think about how good it is when a strange man touches your body. And all the feelings of letting a man control you and giving him what he needs. The man at the deli counter he had to feel my energy. 

I think I will be ok with D. I think I will have so much dick and so many opportunities to submit that I will feel fulfilled. I think but I dont know. I thought to myself some of the things JF did to me were so cruel. The systematic way he would ignore me when he did not like what I said was one of the most hurtful things I have ever been through. D needs space when he is mad but he does not ignore. There is a difference. There is a lot on my mind lately. A lot.