Over it.

 D and I talking the other day over our after sex snacks...

"You remember when we first met, you said to me "I have a master and I am not interested in a relationship" and I said to you that the master situation was over, from this point on I am your Master. And I have been"

I had forgotten about this conversation but he did jog my memory. When I was actively looking for a Dom or a Master I was always frustrated by my ability to get them to do what I wanted. It was not hard. I have been told I like to top from the bottom and I am not really submissive. But men are easy to manipulate most of the time. And when they push my boundaries too much I lose interest. But then there is D. He does not play the game with me. And for the most part he does not allow me to manipulate him. Unfortunately he is quite good and calling me on my manipulation game. Sometimes I start to question if I have some kind of disorder because I will hear the shit that comes out of my mouth when I want something that I know the man I am with does not want. I throw it at them - full force. And usually I get what I want. Let me just use this as an example. 

I had to tell my white husband that I was pregnant with my black lovers baby and that I wanted to keep the baby and I did not want him to leave me. I sold that shit to him with everything I had. I did not want my comfortable life to go away. Even as I said some of the words I knew they were not true. I willingly and opened lied to get what I wanted. And then I turned it around and made him feel like it was his fault. 

That is an extreme example but I know what I am doing. JF did not play my games with me most of the time. And D most defiantly does not. However as I pondered him all day today I realized that to get D to come back to me with the level of interest I want I need to leave him alone. 

I left out what is going on with D I guess. He is just distant. Our last conversation was not nice and I dont like the lack of connection between us. I reminded him this week that we have not had one of our good talks in awhile and I really need one. When I want one of these talks I need to wait until he is in the mood. First because if I dont it won't be the satisfaction I need and second he won't allow it if I spring it on him most of the time. 

I am now feeling nervous that he won't move in. I am kinda on the fence. Part of me thinks he is just waiting for the job transfer and everything we talked or fought about will just be forgotten about. And part of me thinks maybe he is serious and he really won't move in. I am trying to be so cool about it and not look desperate. But these last few days I have been feeling desperate. I just want to beg him and hug him and cry and I just look thirsty. He loves that and it does not get me what I want from him. He feels powerful again. And I let him get there. I need to take him down a few notches and help him remember that I do not need to beg him. 

I hate that he has so much power over me but I also love it. He is the only man that really has allowed me to explore how comfortable I am with submission and who holds his boundaries. It is incredibly frustrating. And on my end I feel entitled to my HARD LIMITS. I dont have many but they are hard lines in the sand that I can not image myself crossing. 

I am in such a weird head space about all of this. I got a text from the guy who fucks me blindfolded that I have never seen. He was off this week, but my mind is all fucked up I dont feel like I am in the mood for it. I have to be in the right headspace to wait naked and blindfolded in my room for a stranger to come fuck me. 

I had sex with the neighbor the other day. I only did that because I am mad at D and it felt good to do that even though he does not know. 

I only have two speeds. Fucking just D or fucking everyone else. I have committed to this just fucking D thing and as soon as he steps out of line I feel the urge to step out on him. 

I am getting on my own nerves with the constant thought of him. I love him so much but I am going to play my game a little like maybe I dont and see if I get a better reaction from him. 

I have been doing this shit with him for 20 years. Can't we just live in peace together now. Im so over it. 

The struggle is real

 D came over today again. He was here all day Monday and today just a few hours. He was energetic like the days of when I first met him. If I thought he would take it I would have thought he would have taken a Viagra. He dick was thicker and longer than I have seen in months. As I was sucking his dick I felt so happy and enjoyed it so much. I liked making him happy. He always is touching me while I am sucking his dick. Rubbing my clit, or fingering me or touching my breasts but I just want him to stop. I just want to focus on what I am doing and I feel like it takes away from my dick sucking skills if I have to think about what is happening to my body. I suck his dick as he lays on my bed and I am on my knees. He tells me to stay where I am and he stands behind me and enters me from behind. The instant bliss hits me and I hear myself groaning so loud. He is fucking me hard and with such an intense rhythm. I cum over and over again. He is sweating a lot. I am sweating. I always think it is funny when we fuck like that my eyelids always sweat. Maybe they sweat in other times in my life and I dont notice it but for some reason the only time I notice the intense sweating is when he is fucking me. I could even feel him orgasm more poignantly then usual. We talked politics in between fucking and then it was time to go. I laid in bed and watched in as he washed in massive cock and cleaned himself up. His dick was like half way down his thigh. I love the way it looks after he fucks me. It is so full and hangs there with so much power. He is so confident in the way his dick looks. I think he loves it. 

We go downstairs and I make myself a bagel and he drinks a beer. We start talking about co-habitating. Now his energy is aggressive today and this conversation was no different. He was talking about my mess of a house and all the kids things and how "some things would need to change when he moved in". He wants the kids to pick up their belongings and so do I. But I am not willing to teach them to pick up after themselves by his discipline rules. He is sounding so stupid and I get real tired of it and remind him that my children are  my responsibility and his kids are his responsibility and he can choose what he does with his and I will choose what I do with mine. He does not like the tone I took, and the tone was not my favorite. I felt like such a bitch when I said and I was surprised at the vigor in which it came out of my mouth. It turned into an ugly conversation. I tried to explain to him things but he was not open to hear what I said and after he left I was not feeling good about our conversation so I gave him a call and I was not surprised that he did not answer. I called 2x today and he did not answer. I know he was driving all day and probably did not want to hear about my feelings. 

But here is the problem. D wants me to trust him. He wants me to trust everything about him and throw myself into him and know that he will do best by me. This is crazy. I do not trust him completely. After two failed long term relationships I trust no one and I will never be able to trust like I have in the past. And it is not about just me and him. In the bedroom and our relationship together I can give myself to him but family life and kids I would not be doing my job as their mother if I just allow him to come in and dictate what our family rules our. 

Also I have so many issues around submission in front of my kids. My mom was a women that "took care of my Dad" all the time. At meal times he complained if the table was wet from cleaning it, or if the butter was too hard to spread, he complained if she made stew too much, and she would jump up and get him whatever he wanted. To this day he gets mad if she is not home to make him food and in is fucking sickening. My sister and I watched his disrespect and my moms submission to him for years and swore that we would NEVER behave like that. Even today as I made myself a bagel, it took everything I had to ask him if he would like a bagel. If my friend was over I would ask her if she wanted a bagel and I would happily make it for her and if there was only one left I would give it to her with love and I would be happy to do so. But the thought of making it for a man, for doing it for him makes me ill. I almost feel embarrassed in my home to go through the motions of making food for a man in my own home. It takes SO MUCH OUT OF ME to just go through the motions of doing anything for a man in a domestic nature when it comes to food and domestic service. I know with JF and my ex husband I became more accustomed to this as time went on but it something that I had to talk myself through. 

I have to actually say in my head that "it is ok to make him a bagel it does not make you less than". Yet I will happily let him cum on me and other things to defile me and be his slave in the bedroom. 

So in the saga of me and D we are at a place where I do not know where we will land. The last few times he has been here he has been so easy-going and relaxed. I thought we have moved on from the negative place where he was a few months ago. There are bigger things that he is trying to tell me but I suspect he does not have the capacity to tell me those things. Remember we know men at least the men I like do not have the capacity to use their words. And he wants to control me with out being checked and he has not earned that privilege. I have never wanted to live a Dom/sub life 24/7 and never with my kids around. 

D ravished my body and now haunts my mind with all my musings of what I want from him. Today I want him here only weekly or on weekends. Based on his behavior today I dont want to be bothered. I love living by myself and the longer I do it the better it gets. I do find the lack of two incomes to be a struggle but lets be honest there will be struggle anyway I go. 

The Make Up Sex

 D called me last night and asked me if I contacted his brother, I told him I did. He was not happy about that. He does not want to feel checked up on I suppose. He was not mad enough that he did not come over. We did not have a lot of time. He drove 2 hours here, stay 2 hours and drove 2 hours back. 

I was working when I hear him come in the door. At my desk in my bedroom deep into work. He comes in and gets naked and I do the same. There is heat between us. I could feel the stress of us not seeing each other for a few weeks. He was aggressive and I know when he is in this mood that there will be pain with the pleasure. He defiantly pushed me today in terms of being able to "take" his giant dick in all the positions he wanted to try me in. 

The one that stands out for me is me on my hands and knees and him standing behind me. Him behind me standing gives him more leverage and as he got moving I moved away inch by inch trying to decrease his penetration but he just kept following me until we were both almost off the bed. He was impossible to get away from. It was almost like he was one step ahead of me with keeping the dick in me. He finally relents and I roll over in my pissed off way telling him that was too much. He then plays with my nipples and takes me to the edge of the pain that I can take and still enjoy. 

We talk a little bit. I talk about all the things I worry about when he does not call me and he assures me nothing will happen to him and asserts that there were extreme situation why he was not able to call. He did not want to debate it. It is was a lot of me talking about how I feel. I see that he tolerates my musings sometimes. This is what I wonder if it will get on his nerves. 

I ask him about the moving in situation. He said that is still the plan just waiting for the date from work. 

I ask him all the time about him "really" moving in. I am still in disbelief and I wonder if it will really happen. 

In general I feel like we are compatible with so many things. Our level of cleanliness seems to be on the same level, we seem to be ok with the level of communication. we are used to. A check in here and there and deep conversations as the spirit moves us. We believe in god on about the same level. We have a similar level of manners and general politeness to others. In other words, he will not embarrass me in public. He won't ever shame me for wanting sex. 

I do think about the ways in which we differ. A lot of the cultural things come to mind. The island level of relaxation comes to mind. I am always doing something. I rarely just relax. In that way maybe he will help me take more time for relaxing. (my optimism). I think about medicine too. I have a small basket of medication and vitamins in the kitchen. He looked at it today and said "you dont think you are doing too much". Most of them were supplements or vitamins and some regular meds but I thought to myself wait until he see what I take at night. I have a whole other basket of meds upstair. I need medicine to function at the moment and I am grateful that there is medicine that will help me with my depression. But I swear he will have to mention it every time. 

In some ways I view us as that preverbal "old married couple" meaning we know each other so well and have kind of accepted where we are with each other and who the other person is. He knows I am going to talk about my feelings regardless of what he says and I know he is never going to give me the warm fuzzy response. (or he will maybe 1 out of 10 times I talk to my about my feelings). D is good at giving me just enough love to keep me holding on but never the one to flood me showing of love. 

In my stalking of his ex wife facebooks page I saw she had put her relationship status as "its complicated" years ago when they were still together. She also did one of those facebook Q and A and I can not remember what question was but her answer was that she knew that D loved her even though he can't always show it.  Im not expecting miracles. He just is not the type of guy who will freely show his love. 

The Wait

 This whole debacle with D does surprise me. I mean I really thought we were at a really good place that he would not do this again. I am also asking myself if I am dramatizing this and is there anyway possible he would think that this is not a big deal. I find myself believing that D would not intentionally hurt me and empathizing that he just does not have the ability to be 100% consistent. 

In the last few days I keep going over in my head what I will say when he calls me. I assume he will call me at some point. I am trying to mentally to prepare for that and what that will feel like. 

I am a little bit numb to the feelings of being hurt and or devastated by this "Ghosting". My abandonment issues are fierce and worse than that feeling of being abandoned is the fear of not seeing him again or not having him in my life. He knows this. He knows that I am forever in his service and we both know it. 

Again this is why there have been many times in my life I have repeated the pray " Please God take this man away from me". He owns me. He rules my mind and my heart and even on his worst day I will forgive him and move on. So much of my adult life has been touched by D. It is getting hard to remember a time where he did not occupy my mind. 

As I move around my house today, cleaning and listening music, I am feeling lost. Submissive women need to submit. It feels a little like ...what do I do now? Now what? 

Part of me really hopes that his brother said he is "ok" but ok means hospitalized because that way I would not feel slighted if he had not called me. I never wanted more for this man to be unwell. I just dont know how I am going to feel if I really talk to him and he acts like he did nothing wrong. 

And now for the part I am ashamed to admit. As per my previous post. Men SUCK. Seriously I can not be more serious and more passionate when I say that men are literally useless in general. I think men are nice to have about for dick obviously. Dildos and vibrators are great but they will not replace the real thing. And it is nice to have men around to frankly do the shit you dont want to do like kill things, bugs, trash, fix shit. It is nice if a man knows how to be a Dad and can teach an offspring how to do something and instill and sense of parental love in them. And there are some great men out there, I know that there are some men that are exceeding expectations but in my experience they all lack in something seriously. 

For example ... We have D excels in sex and is good company but fucking is struggling in so many areas of life. 

I was really just about to run down all the men I know but I think I will hold some of those thoughts to myself. I will comment on the Neighbor since he is the one I have been seeing lately, and he does not read this. But he is good at sex, good to talk to, kind, cares about his kids, clean, but he has sex with me while his wife is 200 yards away. And lets not kid ourselves into thinking I am the only one. 

And they there is the guy from Africa from last summer I dates for a few months. He is good looking, clean, smart, motivated, good at sex but seems to lack the alpha male trait I need. He comes across as weak to me. 

But then there is me. I am a really laid back kind and loving person, who loves sex. I am very open minded but I need A LOT of reassurance and I need a lot of sex. And just like the neighbor I have cheated on people and just like D I have fucked up some areas of my life, and just like the guy from Africa sometimes I am weak. So as I sit back and think about D and what he has done I wonder is it any different then the times I have cheated on D. Am I better than him or am I more deserving to be forgiven than him? 

I am not perfect and neither is he and so I sit and wait and I think about where this move of his will take us. Will I lose my trust in him that I painstakingly worked on developing this last year or so? Will I feel jaded like a woman scorn and just less amused with him? 

I am not sure what I will feel but something tells me I will never end something with D by choice. I am sure this is some form of toxic love but I am not in the mood to fight it. I just want to love the man I have been in love with for some many years. 

Now I keep waiting and see where my feelings bring me next and wait for that fuck face to call me. 

but really I just want him to show up and fuck me. 

Dead or Alive

 I have been deep in some turmoil this last week or so and I have not wanted to share it here. It just felt like too much, too personal, to raw to allow myself to talk about the the last two weeks. But tonight I realize I can not pretend that things dont happen. And this blog helps me because I will go back and read it and I will remember the turmoil that D has brought me and I will hopefully make choices based on this. So here we go. 

D called me 2 Fridays ago and said he would be at my house on Tuesday. Firm plan, there was no tentative date. He would ride his motorcycle or take his truck but either way he would be here Tuesday morning. Great. I took the day off of work and brought my kids to my moms. It was 930 and he was not here. I call him and his phone goes right to voicemail. I was not too concerned because if he was on his bike I know he would not answer but 9am turned to 12 and I did not here from him and I did not see him. I was irritated but deep down I was worried. His health history, his age, his long drive all made me worry about him. 

I still have not heard from him. For the first week I did not have a bad feeling about it. I was probably more irritated than anything but I really was not too worried about it. I assumed his phone died or maybe he got some bad news and retreated for awhile. I did not have too many feelings about it past Tuesday. I just sort of put it to the back of my mind and hoped for the best. And part of me felt like this is part for the course with him. But as one week has now turned in to 2 weeks with out hearing from him I am started to get worried. Two weeks is a long time for him not to call me, and his phone is still dead. And now I was feeling unsettled about. 

I search obituaries, and try to see if I can find something. Thankfully I dont find that, but I find nothing. I think about my options for getting a hold of him. I know that one brother of his and his sister in law in on facebook , his daughter is on Facebook and his older brother is on Facebook and other social media outlets. I reach out to his older brother. As I do this I know there is no going back. I am pretty sure D will be mad at me for this if he is still alive, but I also feel like I can not take a deep breath and I am so upset that I can not and will not just around and wait and see if he calls me. 

Lets remember, right before I found out I was pregnant with JF, D and I were getting more serious and he left my house one day and gave me a hug and said "I will call you tomorrow" and I did not see him again for 5 years.  It took him a year and half to call me to tell me he was in Trinidad helping his Dad, He said he could not remember my number and it took him a long time to get his phone records to get my number. He knows my number  by heart now so even if his phone is dead why is he not calling me. Did he go to Trinidad again, but why not fucking call me and let me know what is going on? I just can not think of a reason other than serious injury or complete asshole apathy for my wellbeing as to why he has not called me. 

So today his brother responds to me. I reach out to him in various outlets but he emails me back with "who are you and where did you get this email". I try to dance around who I am. I mean I told him my name was **** and evidently that did not ring a bell with him, so I guess D did not tell him about me. IDK. I tell him that I have know D for 20 years and that 2 weeks ago I was expecting him at my house and he did not show up and did not call and I was worried about him. I said I dont know if anyone if the family would know to call me if something happened to him and that I was just wanting to know if he was ok and that if he had a way to contact him to let him know I was trying to contact him. 

I am waiting for his brother to email me back. I am nervous. I feel like I am on the edge of learning something I dont want to know. Either something bad has happened to him or he does not love me and does not want to continue our relationship. I have been reevaluating all of the conversations and time we have spent together lately and I can't understand why he would just not call like this. 

Either way I am on the dawn of bad news. 

Looks like I forgot to post this last night, but I have an update. 

D, the fucking piece of self centered garbage is alive. According to his brother who said he was "ok" and asked me for my number and told him he would give me the message as soon as possible. 

So this asshole really stood me up and then never called me and just let me linger in the horrible abyss of not know what was going on. Everything is shattered in my mind. How can I believe anything he says. Did he not think of me for two weeks? Did he meet someone else? Did he go back to his ex wife? Does he not want to be with me? Is this his way for breaking up? Did he just think that this was ok? The questions are overwhelming me. I am trying to be calm but I am really stressed. I dont ask for much in life but the feeling of being ghosted is really overwhelming to me. Can you really ghost someone after 20 years, do people do that?

He is going to be mad I contacted his brother, but I am 100%right for that. And even with that I was vauge with his brother about who I am. I am sick with angst. 

Why are men such assholes? I mean really men are the biggest failure in the human experience, as a whole. They are really lacking in so many ways. 

THis is on the heels of JF not answering a text from me for the last 3 weeks. I finally asked him if he was alive and he responded. Do I do something that these men feel like I am not worthy of at least knowing if they are alive or not. 

SMH. If he calls what do I even say? What can be said at this point?

This man had me searching obituaries to figure out if he was dead or alive. That's not right.