I have had some difficult times in the last week. My oldest was sick and we were in the ER 3x until she was admitted and it has followed up with doctors appointments and the youngest has been sick and the boy well he has been really classic ADHD and we just went today to talk to the doc about a med change. This last few weeks have really left me feeling drained. I find my mind is easily becoming frazzled and work....oh how work has been a challenge for me. I am still working on this special project. I have been working every day on it and about 70 hours per week since the 1st week of July and it has winded down to about 60 hours per week and I pray that it is over by mid November. I do want to pick up a side hustle after this but not so many hours with no time off. I feel really stretched to my limit. Sometimes I feel like I am just going to go crazy and sometimes I just lay on the couch with my youngest in a catatonic state. I have also been having a lot of physical issues myself. My body just hurts, I dont know why. Maybe I dont drink enough water, maybe it lack of movement and spending 70 hours a week in front of a computer. Maybe I am just old and this is what my body feels like now. But it brings tears to my eyes at times. It is definitely out of the realm of my base line.
On the bright side, it is good to know what I am capable of. I might fall for a day but I pick myself back up and re-arouse my brain and start all over again. Over the last few weeks I have not wished for a partner, I was comfortable doing it all alone. We had some scary moments in the ER and did not let it bring me down. I let my fear wash over me and kept my unshakable solid demeanor to make sure my daughter felt safe. When the worst of it was all over I took a day off work and slept all day and I was good. It makes me feel silly for ever feeling like I needed someone in life. Frankly I am the person people need in their life. I am the best thing going in a crisis.
D has pretty much been out of sight out of mind for the most part. I saw him one day and it was fine and I felt connected and all the things I needed to feel. He has been having his own health issues. Did I mention D works 2 jobs.... this is relevant, just wait for it. He works two jobs and his one job has been slow and they have not worked some days. It has been like that all summer some weeks only working 2 or 3 days. He is still holding out because they tell him they are moving him down south and the southern operation is busier. Nonetheless he has this other jobs he has had for like 20 years on the weekend. Not every weekend but probably every other weekend. He does give his ex wife money for the kids too. And I know child support it not easy so good for him. But he needed medicine and insurance would not cover it it was going to cost $100. He in a round about way asked me for the money. I said out loud "how do you not have $100"? I was really shocked. Like you are a really grown up and you have a problem that can be resolved for $100 and you can not do it. Before I gave him the money he went to the ER to try to get the medicine or at least a couple doses. He will never know how much money I have because he does not know how to manage money. As evidenced by his current situation. I dont have words for it. I know money is not important to him. He is ok if he has no money and he does not eat all day. That does not bother him. It would motivate me if I had to go without eating out for the day to get my shit together and have some money.
Thanks to this pandemic I was able to get my money up and it gives me such a feeling of freedom to know that I have the means to take care of myself if there is an emergency. And as soon as my debt forgiveness kicks in for my student loans I will only owe 4k in student loans and then the only debt I have is my house and car. Not bad on a single income with three kids.
I was feeling tense lately and it has been at least 3 weeks with no dick and so when the neighbor sent me the "what you doing" text I hit him back immediatly with the "you want to come over" he says "yes" and I reply "door is unlocked" and before I know he is there. He gets undressed while we talk about house stuff and his dick looks massive. I fucking love it. I just want to stare at it. It is huge, Not as long as D but perfect sized. I was not really into the dick sucking but I did it. I just wanted to get fucked. He wanted me on my back on the bed and he slid that big dick in me and I start that groan and I start to cum like almost immediatly. He lifts my shirt to touch my breasts today. Really he does not mess with them but it was ok.
We talked about him slapping me and he did some very good throat grabbing and hair pulling and slapping. I feel bad about what I do to these men. All the men says "no I can't hit a women" and then I beg them to slap me when they fuck me and then they are changed forever. I allow them to give into the dominant aggression and I feel like once they get started they cannot stop. Part of me feels bad because I am sure they have got caught up in the moment and slapped someone thinking they would like it like me.
He came in me and I am still regretting that decision. It just is too much to deal with the cum. I used one of the drip sticks (cum sponge) and got a shower and hope for the best. I did get my vibrator out after he left. He made me cum a few times but I wanted the deep hard orgasm that only cums with my vibrator. It took like 15 seconds to make myself cum and I did it for a good minute and then I was done.
I got up and went back to work.
I have not heard from D in two days. When we talked the other day I told him that him and I needed to talk about money. He said no at first and then I persisted and he said ok we would talk about money. Baby steps with that man. I also forgot his birthday or more like I thought is was a week later then it was.
