Friday, December 16, 2022

Holidays

 D came down this week again. And this time it did not pan out like a porn video but more like the reality of two people who have turned to each other for 20 years for our sexual needs. I was just in the shower and noticed the grips marks of his hands that have bruised on my arms. I am instantly brought back to that moment he is fucking me and gripping so hard that he leaves bruises and I love it. After I thought we were done fucking we were laying face to face on our sides while he played with my breasts and we talked about sex. The intimacy was needed for me. I needed to be close to him. Sometimes I dont know though is it him or his it I need to be close to a person. I have such a personal boundary with everyone it is hard to tell if this is me just needing to be touched because I won't let anyone else touch me (in an intimate way). 

Other than these few hours of bliss, it has been a hard week or so. You could probably go back to every December in this blog and see how much I struggle in December. So many years I have questioned my sanity and my ability to cope with day to day life. This happened from the time before I had children, so I can not blame them. Growing up the holiday were heavy on childhood trauma. An alcoholic father at Christmas Parties was really hard. My mom every single year telling us that "there won't be much for Christmas this year" and every year was more than enough. My mom and dad fighting non-stop. My dad always screaming about the "goddam kids". The Christmas before I got pregnant with my first I vowed to my husband at the time that this was the last time I would be doing Christmas and then came my daughter.

I have pared down Christmas to the basics that I can handle. We have a tree, minimal decorations, we make gingerbread houses, we look at lights, sometimes we make cookies, we by gifts for our family, and the damm elf in the shelf just came out last night. I am weighted heavily by the guilt not making Christmas magical for my kids. I dont know how to make it magical. I dont have the energy for anything but survival and I just can not do any more than I am doing. 

Last night I spent about 20 minutes crying on the phone to my mom. I am in such a low place. 

This blog has always been about more than sex and I see how much I have changed in the last few years. Sex is almost an after thought for me and does not drive me like it once did. At least not all the time. There are "seasons" of my year where I will fall into a lust driven mind and I will neglect my kids and responsibilities for some dick but I have not felt that way in a while. 

The other things in my life seem so much bigger to me that dick. The thought of D in my house in my life sharing my life with him has kept me really behaving myself for the most part. And any slip up in that department I will put the blame squarely on him for not taking care of my needs. 

I also feel like I dont like men like I once did. I just really dont like them. And I know I have talked about this before but men in general are lacking in so many areas. I need to love them to look past it and frankly I dont want to risk falling in love with anyone else. We never know where sparks will fly and where our heart will take us. I never thought I would fall in love with D, the Home Depot employee who helped me load my truck so many years ago but here we are. JF, the disabled, french speaking African who stole my heart the first night I met him and still holds it hostage. I can not risk it again. Ill just love the men I love for who they are and I want to limit my exposure just in case. 

If I think back to all the men I am just repulsed by most. There are some people that I find to be very kind and nice and we had great conversation and good sex but my overall motivation to find dick it just about nothing. 

So here I am struggling as we end the year. I am trying to hold on to my sanity and try not to let the men in my life let me down too much.

I am trying so hard to have D make a video with me. We need another one.  Sometimes the sex is so hot I feel like it is a shame not to share it with other. 

Wednesday, December 7, 2022

24 Hour Update

 24 hour post fuck session I have all the feels for D. I am currently sitting in my bed in the pjs that I had on when he came over, they smell like him, they smell like us and it it intoxicating to me. I keep replaying the scenes in my head of him fucking me. I know I have said it before but this man fucks me and moves me around like I am a little women. He always makes me feel small in the most incredible way that a woman sometimes want to feel small in the arms of her man. Or at least this women.

I called D, he did not answer, but I just wanted to relive the details of our day. Good God when we connect we really connect deeply. In this afterglow there is almost nothing I won't do for this man. 


Tuesday, December 6, 2022

Like A Porn Video

 D has been MIA for a bit. He no showed me twice and has been really distant. And he took me to that I have  been before. Complete apathy. He pushes me until I am numb and I retreat and he comes back at me hard. 

He unprompted offered an apology for his out of character behavior about 10 days ago and since that time he has told me when he was going to call me and follow through with everything. I dont think I have talked to him so much in our relationship than I have in the last week or so. He is checking in, he is asking me how the kids are, he is asking me how I am and I found myself talking to him about how I feel. One day I was miserable and I told him I was miserable and I did not know why. We talked awhile about it but it in my heart this just felt out of place. I feel like he is "trying to hard". It was evident he was trying to make amends and while I really appreciate the gesture I did not have the energy to truly receive it. He fails to see that the walls get a little higher each time he goes through tough times and if he disappoints me on the wrong day it will take me all of an hour to have another man inside of me. 

D did come visit today. I needed my kitchen sink fixed and he knew that would be the plan today. I took the kids to school and then I got in the shower. He arrived while I was in the shower and when I came down he was laying in the kitchen cabinet fixing it. This made me happy. Finally a tangible meeting of my needs and I did not need to ask him twice. And as he layed there on the floor I could not help but look at him in his work pants and boots and watch the way his big cock laid in those pants. I was passing him tools and just thinking about unbuckling his belt. I restrained myself because lets face it the sink needed to be fixed. 

After he fixed it we retreated up stairs. Things begin as they usually do. He gets naked and I suck his dick and well I feel just like I am going through the motions. I want the dick but I did not want to put in the effort in the dick sucking. Also I am going to share some important information that men need to have. Men seem to love to put there hand on the back on your head when you suck their dick, but this inhibits the length of time I (and I suspect others) can bob up and down on that cock. It is extremely hard to push back on the weight of the hand pressing your face down to the cock, it just tires me out and makes my neck hurt and then I am just done with it. I moved it had 2x but he kept instinctively push my head down I just moved and away and got in position for him to fuck me. Laying down in front of him with my feet on his shoulders. He starts slow and I live for the feeling you get when the dick first stretches you out and then I work on getting adjusted and stimulated for my body to be able to accommodate his dick. 

It does not take long before some heat develops between us. He is getting the dick deep and making me cum over and over again. I am on my back and he is laying on his side, almost like we are making a t-shape and he is fucking me so hard and intense vigor I start to squirt while he is in me and as he fucks me it just sprays all over us and with every thrust we get covered in it. And he loved it and he kept making me cum like this. This was such an intense orgasm, he made me cum like that at least 4 or 5 more times. 

It was like a porn movie all afternoon. We took a lunch break and fuck some more and then he fell asleep mid conversation and I played on my phone while our bodies rested intertwined with each other. He woke up and slide right back in me and when we rested from that it was really time for me togo. But we started talking about all the good sex we have had over the years and before we knew it we were fucking again like to animals in heat. At one point I ask him to put his fingers in me and stretch my pussy some more. I needed a little bit of pain. He kept spreading my legs and sucking my clit and my pussy and coming back to kiss me. 

It all felt good. By the time I had to leave I was feeling like I needed to do some more with pain. I wanted my pussy slapped and face slapped. I wanted to be fisted (even though my body was already so sore from the hours of pounding dick). Ultimately we did not have time for it. I had to pick up kids. He was in the bathroom and I dressed myself as fast as I could and I went to the bathroom to see him washing his body with his big dick just hanging there. I give him a hug, he leans in a aggressively kisses me on my neck and grids his semi hard dick in me. We laugh and I run out the door while he finishes up. 

D is not perfect, but I like him a lot. Even when he disappoints me I tend to keep my patience with him. I cant say I will keep my legs crossed but I can not imagine ever shutting the door on us. 

At one point I said "do you want to talk about what we are doing with our lives", he said "No" and I said " I did not really want to talk about it either. It was just nice to be with him. 

After I had some time to recover I wanted more dick. That's the problem with him coming one day here and there. We got to marathon it but I like sex break sex break sex break. 

Over all I wish I could have had a video of the beating my pussy took today, maybe one day I will be able to convince him to make another video with me.