D came down this week again. And this time it did not pan out like a porn video but more like the reality of two people who have turned to each other for 20 years for our sexual needs. I was just in the shower and noticed the grips marks of his hands that have bruised on my arms. I am instantly brought back to that moment he is fucking me and gripping so hard that he leaves bruises and I love it. After I thought we were done fucking we were laying face to face on our sides while he played with my breasts and we talked about sex. The intimacy was needed for me. I needed to be close to him. Sometimes I dont know though is it him or his it I need to be close to a person. I have such a personal boundary with everyone it is hard to tell if this is me just needing to be touched because I won't let anyone else touch me (in an intimate way).
Other than these few hours of bliss, it has been a hard week or so. You could probably go back to every December in this blog and see how much I struggle in December. So many years I have questioned my sanity and my ability to cope with day to day life. This happened from the time before I had children, so I can not blame them. Growing up the holiday were heavy on childhood trauma. An alcoholic father at Christmas Parties was really hard. My mom every single year telling us that "there won't be much for Christmas this year" and every year was more than enough. My mom and dad fighting non-stop. My dad always screaming about the "goddam kids". The Christmas before I got pregnant with my first I vowed to my husband at the time that this was the last time I would be doing Christmas and then came my daughter.
I have pared down Christmas to the basics that I can handle. We have a tree, minimal decorations, we make gingerbread houses, we look at lights, sometimes we make cookies, we by gifts for our family, and the damm elf in the shelf just came out last night. I am weighted heavily by the guilt not making Christmas magical for my kids. I dont know how to make it magical. I dont have the energy for anything but survival and I just can not do any more than I am doing.
Last night I spent about 20 minutes crying on the phone to my mom. I am in such a low place.
This blog has always been about more than sex and I see how much I have changed in the last few years. Sex is almost an after thought for me and does not drive me like it once did. At least not all the time. There are "seasons" of my year where I will fall into a lust driven mind and I will neglect my kids and responsibilities for some dick but I have not felt that way in a while.
The other things in my life seem so much bigger to me that dick. The thought of D in my house in my life sharing my life with him has kept me really behaving myself for the most part. And any slip up in that department I will put the blame squarely on him for not taking care of my needs.
I also feel like I dont like men like I once did. I just really dont like them. And I know I have talked about this before but men in general are lacking in so many areas. I need to love them to look past it and frankly I dont want to risk falling in love with anyone else. We never know where sparks will fly and where our heart will take us. I never thought I would fall in love with D, the Home Depot employee who helped me load my truck so many years ago but here we are. JF, the disabled, french speaking African who stole my heart the first night I met him and still holds it hostage. I can not risk it again. Ill just love the men I love for who they are and I want to limit my exposure just in case.
If I think back to all the men I am just repulsed by most. There are some people that I find to be very kind and nice and we had great conversation and good sex but my overall motivation to find dick it just about nothing.
So here I am struggling as we end the year. I am trying to hold on to my sanity and try not to let the men in my life let me down too much.
I am trying so hard to have D make a video with me. We need another one. Sometimes the sex is so hot I feel like it is a shame not to share it with other.