Moving Day

 Im not sure where I left off but I did see D the weekend before Christmas. No complaints. It was all the things I needed it to be. We planned for him to come back that Thursday to finish the rental, but in true D form he did not call me after he left that Saturday. Sadly I was not phased. I was not irritated, I was not even surprised. I was like this is exactly what I expected. Fast forward to Christmas Eve.. I send a text. "I would like to enjoy my holiday without having to worry about if you are dead or alive". Crickets. Until about 11am on Christmas Day. It says "Im not sure if you will even get this... but Merry Christmas and I love you". So I am like he is not sure I am getting this.... is he in Trinidad? is he in a hospital with bad service? To me these were the only two options. Seriously I could not even entertain that is would be something more benign. I text him back that I love him to but where has he been. I dont here from him for awhile. He says his phone is not working and he is not sure if I am getting his texts. I text him again and he responds. So we start to talk. So he has been doing nothing his phone just is not working. In my head this could not have been the issue because surely he would have emailed me to let me know but alas he did not. He says to me if I am ready then he ready to move in. I say I am ready. He says he is ready. He said he is going to have a long commute until they transfer him down my way but he is willing to do it if I am ok with it. 

So I am skeptical. What made him ready to do this? What has changed? I know D moves at his own pace. A pace that is thoughtful and measured and does not react to urges. Did he get ready in his own time? Did I pass a test he was waiting to see? I want to know and I wanted to ask him but you know the phone issues and I want to really talk about that. But according to him he starts work on the 2nd week of January and he will be at my house. 

I dont quite believe him. I have not talked to my kids about it. But I am starting to let my mind wander. I am starting to let the fantasy overtake me. I am starting to think maybe this really will happen. And frankly it would be just in time because as 2024 began to roll around I was really thinking about ending things with D. I just did not want to be so lonely again all year, It is like physically painful to me and I just feel like I have given him enough time. And I just was ready to tell him I was going to start dating, actually dating other people. 

And it is 100% just like to D to come in with 1 second on the clock and be the hero. This is his way - always. 

With the thought of D moving in there is the thought that I won't see the neighbor again. Im a little sad about that because I really like him. It is not like our sex is great or anything but I really just like our interactions. 

Connected

 D and I have been going through it the last few weeks. His own personal short comings colliding with my own has made for some difficult days. I could not even bring myself to write about it because you have already heard it so many times. It is simply the most current version of bullshit and I did not have it in me to memorialize it here. 

I did see the the neighbor the other day. I just needed some dick. And I pretty much told him I just wanted him to fuck me from the back. This is all I want lately. I just want it from the back and I could do it forever. We did that and then he had enough of that and had me flip over. I do not love the openness and contact but I put up with up with it because what else can I do. I need what he has got but he rarely makes me cum. That day was no different but, at least by body felt the heat of a man on me and my pussy got stretched and filled up for what was a very short visit. 

D did come by today. I woke up at 530a this morning. And so I just got up and started my Saturday cleaning, wearing my pajamas and cleaning in solitude while my kids slept for another 4 hours. It was really enjoyable. I have really started to enjoy getting up early and having time before the house wakes up. D did not get here til about 11. He was  in a good mood today, which was a nice change of pace then his typical angst he has been in the last few months. I suck his dick in the same way I always do. I am starting to feel complacent in it, like I want to kick it up a notch but he seems to love it. So if it is not broken why fix it? But  at some point does regular dick sucking get boring? Maybe not because I never tire of a good dicking down. We are in a good flow. Not to acrobatic, not to athletic or Olympian style just a good pace of good fucking. I could not cum. I squirted several times but I did not get that orgasm I have been wanting the last week or so. I just can not get it. It was good and he was doing all the things but it just would not happen. We did anal for the first time in awhile and that was good and I like the connection that happens during that. I have to really communicate what I want and he has to listen to me in order for me to be able to keep doing it. 

We took a break and he installed a new faucet in my kitchen. I stand next to him and hand him each toll that he needs and anticipating his ever need. I like working with him like this. I like how are bodies touch, but not in a sexual way, like when I stand between his legs to reach the faucet while he is in the cabinet. The closeness and the way we touch alerts all my senses. Im ready to suck his dick while he works. 

We fuck some more and talk. I feel close to him without even trying and it all just feels easy. He did not stress me out today, I just wanted to be near him. At the end of the fucking I was ready for a nap. I was so relaxed. We spent sometime downstairs with the kids and then we hugged and he left. 

As I sit in my bed tonight I wish so badly I could have a bit of dick. Just one fuck and then let me sleep. This is what I crave. I want to be fucked and sweaty and full of cum and I want to roll over and go to sleep. I want to sit in that afterglow of sex and just let it be. 

This lack of connection I feel with him sometimes is when he puts his walls up. He does not even need to say it or acknowledge it but I see his behavior now more clearly. I have a hard time articulating what is happening because what is happening it an energy connection problem. He cuts his energy off from me when he is going through shit. I dont even know if he knows that he does that or would understand what I mean by that. Either way today was great connection. Fingers crossed it stays like that a while. 

Is this love?

 Things with D just continued to devolve last week. I started to get stuck in a place of just wanting to "finish" the argument with him so I could move on, but for him to move on he would need space. After some firm encouragement from my friend I stopped calling and just threw my hands up in the realization that I can not control the outcome of what is happening between the two of us. But believe me in my head I already know who I am calling to get my revenge dick when he ghosts me for a week or two as he usually does. Are arguments were unusual for us, we have never argued like this. We have never went back and forth on so many points and both felt so insulted by the other. It was strange and I did not like it. But he called me Wednesday after only a day and a half of solitude. We did not say much. It was just a check in. "What's going on? Nothing, what's going on with you? Nothing."....silence for about one minute. "ok let me call you later". That was it but it made me feel at peace about where we were at, I think we both needed that. 

Fast forward to Thanksgiving. I am at my Moms for the day.  I was outside when I hear my phone ring and I answer. He sounds so serious on the phone, he sounded different this time. We talked about our plans. He told me he was frying a turkey for his brother. We talked about the weekend but  it was weird kind of vibe in the conversation. We hang up. I go back to what I was doing and I hear my phone ring again. I see its him. He says "I want to tell you something" and my heart drops through my chest and I say "oh jesus this does not sound good, you sound so serious". I was so nervous my voice was cracking. Had he thought our out of ordinary arguing was too much for him and he wanted to stop seeing me? I assumed the worse in those few seconds I was sure I would never see him again. As I walk down my parents long driveway I hear him say "Do you know that I really love you a lot?" My body eased and a smile graced my face and I said "I know you love me, but I do need to hear more often". He says "I just wanted you to know that, but I won't keep you from your family, I will call you tomorrow". 

Well for a few seconds I am walking on air but I thought to myself what prompted this? Where did this expression of love come from? And then as the hours passed and days now I have become to almost use this comment like fuel to my fire. So while at first I was so happy it turned to such confusion about what love means to him. He has been a real fucking asshole for the last year. I mean not every minute but I am going to say he has been an asshole more often than not. And I thought about every hurtful thing he said and did and I thought to myself you love me so much and yet you treat me like I am nothing to you (from my point of view). And well it has just spiraled out of control. 

I was thinking about all the times I have felt mentally manipulated by him. The times he ghosted me and the times he has stood me up and I want to call him back and tell him that if he loves me he should be treating me better. But I have not and this is my thoughts on this since I have had time to reflect on it. I have really loved and been in relationships with three men in my life. My ex-husband, JF, and D. And I know the things that I have done to them but I really loved them. Even thinking about the shit I am cannot bear to relive again in these words makes me wonder what does love mean to me? I have done these men dirty and if any of them knew the extent of my shortcomings it would have been a wrap right then and there. I think we can all agree that my love for D is deep and strong but I will cheat on him with little thought. It is my knife in the back. I will say all the things and I will out communicate you and I will out wit you and I will out emotional intelligence you but when we are said and done I will cut a bitch down with my indiscretions. I will have him wondering if I ever loved him at all. 

The first guy I cheated on (and I have cheated on every single man I have been in any sort of relationship with) called me when we had about 12 years apart and told me how bad I hurt him. I could not even muster up a ounce of caring about what I had done. It was nothing to me and I did not understand why he was still thinking about it. I was 17 and the guy I had sex with was literally just like my first try of seeing if I could just fuck anyone I wanted. Turns out I could. It is not lost on me there is something real fucked up about this. This pathologic behavior and with it comes this extreme intolerance to seeing my man with another women. It hurts me to even think about seeing them with another women. I feel territorial when D and I are out and he just talks to another women, like a cashier and he is just saying normal polite shit. 

I should start a go fund me for therapy because I know I need it. 

D is coming tomorrow. I feel indifferent about it. I can not even work up a feeling to tap into to write about it. So I won't even try. Maybe he will leave me yearning to pour the details of our day into a post tomorrow...or not. 

Am I better than you?

 It really is not a good time for D and I. I feel like things are getting tenser and tenser as the days go by and I know why. He is miserable because he is not working and I am tired of his toxic way of communicating. And instead of me always taking the high road I have decided to do the same shit he does to me to him. And he really does not like, but I feel like he is so emotionally limited he is not even picking up on it. 

Today I found myself asking why do I enjoy such pathetic men, I truly have a knack for attracting the wrong men and I have a hard time shaking myself free. As I think about writing this I think the way D has been for the last few months I dont really want to be in a relationship with him. But here comes the bad news, I feel like there is no getting out. I feel like we can not stay away from each other. We are so different in so many ways but I feel like for all the wrongs there is this big right. We have such intense chemistry and I know when I think about the things that he does that it gets much worse in the world. Somedays I think I would rather just be gleefully single and fuck him and re-establish a team and move about my business. But other days I am aware that things maybe better with someone else but maybe they won't. I just dont believe there are many men out there who can meet my needs. Sexually but also emotionally. Again not that I am needy but I know what I want, I know how to ask for it, and I know when I am not getting it. I think in general most men can not handle that. I just believe on some level I will have to settle for something in any direction I go. And so that is the intro to this most ridiculous post about this ridiculous conversation I had with D over the last two days. 

He asked me what I was doing at work, I tell him I am shopping on line for something, and he asked me why I dont go to the store to get out of the office some, because that is what he would do. I told him that I needed to get things from Walmart and that I do not go into Walmart. Walmart is one of the saddest places to go. I told him that I always see kids who are neglected or abused and elderly people who are struggling to shop and really just a lot of people who are struggling in the world. Empathy is something that is hard for me to ignore and sometimes it is exhausting. I work with people who struggle. I am someone who struggles. I just can not look at it. And to that end there are other places I will not go as well. I dont like the way I feel when I go there and if I can avoid it then I will. It works for me. 

He gets so pissy about this when I first tell him about it but I just kinda laughed it off and kept the conversation moving. So today, he brings that shit up again. And this time he tells me I won't go to the store because I am lazy and that just because I dont discipline my kids does not mean that other people are abusing their kids. I told him that I "am not going to listen to this shit I gotta go", he threatened me with not coming to see me until Jan and I said ok and hung up. 

On one hand I feel so proud of myself that I interrupted his bullshit rhetoric he spouts all the time but I also felt uneasy because I know he did not like the way I talked to him. I gave it a few hours and I called him back and we talked. It did not go well. I told him that him calling me lazy is offensive and I am tired of that. (As this is not the first time he has done it). He doubled down on the fact that I am lazy. And I doubled down on him constantly criticizing me and that he should be my cheerleader in life and not tearing me down. And for the last few months I feel like that is all he has been doing. (I just began to tear up as I relived this conversation). 

He finally says to me that he feels like I am talking about people like him in the Walmart. He goes on to say oh us poor people, us old people, us people who beat their kids, us people in wheelchairs, these are the people that are just like me and he said I think I am better then all of them. And so there is was, he little baby feelings were hurt because he feels like he is less than and he wants to tear me down to make himself feel better about the things he is self-conscience about. What a fucking pathetic human being. I am tired of stroke his broken ego. He talks about how much his appreciate how his father raised him but what he does not see for all the discipline he got from his dad it never made up for his mother leaving him to go to the USA and leaving him to be raised by his father. And his father may have succeeded in discipline but lacked in instilling confidence and self-love. 

I work with people going through shit every day. JF is disabled and a wheelchair user. My ex-husband was homeless when I met him. People in my life are in my life for their sincerity and spirit, not because I feel like they are "good" enough for me. And he thinks I think I am better than people, and I dont. If I did think I was better than other people then I would not continue to work in the field I do. I just feel like I need to help people when I can. He has known me for 20 years and here we are with name calling and him telling me I think I am better than people. And I have been clear with him that I am only able to live the way that I do because of my parents. And I feel so blessed to have parents that value taking care of me. 

But this was about what I said made him feel and brought up issues for him. Just like when he called me lazy it struck a nerve in my body. I feel like when he is calling me lazy he is calling me fat. And that feels like deal breaking words to me. Not that I am not fat, and he loves my body, but he has said two thing recently that have not sat well with me and in my head I was thinking "is he trying to tell me I need to lose weight"? He has never said that to me and always says body positive things to me but fat and lazy are one in the same for me. Not to mention I have been struggling with body image a lot lately. And I feel desperate to lose weight and I am struggling. And I am not lazy. What I am is exhausted from single parenthood and chronic pain and managing chronic mental illness and low iron. But lazy is not what I am. 

And I see the irony here. He hit my trigger word and I hit his. And I am better than him because I can talk about it like a grown up and he still acts like a child! Part of me wants to put my head down and just let this shit just simmer down until the new year but part of me is like fuck no, he needs to bring his ass down here. 

He told me he is not coming this weekend. I told him that is the 2nd weekend in a row he has nothing to do and his is choosing not to come fuck me. And I said I am not going to be struggling for dick. He said "go fuck the mailman" I said say it again D, I want to make sure I hear you right. He says it again and follows up with and if you do I will never see you again. 

I am so conflicted. I feel like he is withholding dick but I also dont really want it either. But if he says he is going to take it away then I want it even more. And the dance between us continues on. 

Aftercare

 I talked to D yesterday and I forgot all about that I wanted to talk to him about our encounter the other day. More specifically I wanted to talk to him about the fact I felt like a domestic violence victim and that when I verbally communicated with him that I needed some aftercare when that "scene" was done he did not give it to me. The encounter has left such a mark on me. It is not that we have not had those kind of encounters before - we absolutely have. The encounters that leave me with tears in my eyes and a feeling like I am being really violated. And I do like intensity and my body loves its but its emotional and sometimes scary. I feel like I am going to really (like for real for real) lose control of myself and fight for my life for lack of a better term. And when we have those intense moments I need some aftercare. I need him to lay behind me and put his arms around me and just talk to me. Or maybe just hold me. I just need to reconnect with him. In the past for the most part I have had that, but the other day I did not. It has really fucked me up. Its been on my mind all week. 

So when he called me today, I stepped out of work and took the call in my car for privacy. I told him that I wanted to talk to him about something. And I added that I needed "like a real conversation" about how I was feeling and I needed to know if he was in the mood for that. If he was not then I would have waited. I also added that I felt like he is so miserable lately that sometimes I feel like I can not talk to him at all. An he let me know right away that him still waiting to go back to work after his immigration issue was taking a toll on him. And in my head I feel like I knew that but christ it was good to hear him say it because otherwise I feel like it is just me he is miserable with. 

I start driving as we talk. I so gently try to ease into this conversation because I love him and I dont want him to think that I dont love playing with him the way we did, because I do. So I struggle at first and I feel him start to get nervous about what I am going to say. But I talk about how we need a safe word. He does not know what I mean by safe word. I tell him that I use the word Red. When we are fucking and I say Red he needs to dial it back and that is a way for me to let him know when things have went to far for me. I know years ago we talked about a safe word but I dont remember every using it with him. Im not sure he even gets what I mean by safe word. I tell him the other day got too intense for me and that I felt like I was really going to lose control and like fight him. He said " you would never" and I try to explain to him that I absolutely will, I feel it coming or felt it coming the other day. I start to cry and struggle to get my words out. I just share with him that it was scary for me. It just was a lot. And I pointed out that if we get to that intense place or any time we are together if I tell you I need some aftercare, that I really need to connect with him again. 

D is not a lifestyle guy. He is not familiar with words like aftercare and safe word. And I understand why he would keep going because I am literally having orgasm after orgasm so one would think that I would be into it. And it was not that I did not like it. It just scared me. Im not even sure why because I would not say it was the most intense scene between us. I find all of this perplexing. I feel like my mind and body are in disagreement on what happened and I can not really find the right words to give voice to what I am feeling. Maybe it was just at the end of it I just needed some gentle touching. I needed to feel loved and I did not get that. 

He listened to me while I tripped on my words, he asked questions and he told me he would give me what I needed next time. Not in those words but in his own words and frankly I needed this conversation with him all week. It was like I was still craving the aftercare I did not get. I felt like he listened to me and this was the kind of conversation I have been missing with him. 

We then firmed up our plans for Friday. I am looking forward to another day of fucking Friday with a break for drywall repairs at the rental property. 

What's my name?

 D came down the other day. I am still having some feelings about it. 

He got to my house about 8:30. I pulled up just a few minutes after him. He was already inside with his dick out when I got to my room. There was a little bit of heat between us this morning. I am not sure why, but he looked at me and I was like "what"? That seemed to start things off. I sucked his dick, he fucked my face a few minutes and he told me not to move. I wait there for him to come behind me and slip his rock hard dick into me. This position is my absolute favorite lately. Over the years I have had a love hate relationship with "doggy style" (I hate that name). I would love it certain parts of my cycle when my cervix was higher and I could take the dick with more force and I would hate when my cervix was lower around ovulation because it would cause sharp intense pain when he hit it at the wrong angle or too deep. But one of the bonuses of this this peri-menopause is that I dont get that sharp pain anymore. Im not totally sure why, maybe I am not ovulating anymore. Or maybe it is not as drastic as a change as it once was. All I know is that I can take a lot of long hard dick from the back and it for the most part is all pleasure and no pain. 

So we did that for a bit and then worked through all the positions and the things we do. When we were done that best was wet this time. I came a lot and really intense. I loved it. In the pauses between dick, we talk. I come in hot with "you are not meeting my emotional needs". I am so blunt. My man won't ever need to worry about reading my mind because I will always tell you exactly how I am feeling and what I need from you. Without warning I start to cry and it was a cry that I could not stop, I could not silence it just came. He is uber unimpressed with crying and says that "I'm such a child" all the time when I cry. He can only justify him crying once in his life, when his mom died, but other than that he says "cry for what"? I say the things I need to say but he is not receiving them. It is like he is putting up this emotional wall. I want to feel connected but he is not meeting me half way. He says if I was getting the dick everyday I would not be feeling this way and I 100% agree with him. Distance makes me forgetful of how I feel and how he feels. Him fucking me everyday would help me have tangible feelings about the place we hold in each others life. But in this middle ground when he is not here I need him to pick up the slack, but he is not. And he left that day with me not feeling connected at all. 

We fucked like 3 maybe 4 times and then we headed to Home Depot (the place we met 20 years ago) to get supplies so he could fix the drywall at my rental property. He does his happily and has never complained about it, for which I am grateful because I need him to do one thing the way I want. We go to the house. I am his assistant. I spend a lot of time intentionally bickering with him. He was on the ladder with his head in the closet and I pinched his ass. I thought it was hilarious. He did not. He likes to criticize everything I am doing now days and when I clap back and him he gives me this Master-esq vibe and look like he will punish me. I am growing tired of it. 

We come back to my house and we fuck some more and we talk some more. I desperately try to get what I need emotionally from him but it never comes. We had fucked enough and my kids would be home soon and he said something that pissed me off and I said " I am putting my underwear back on" which is really saying "you are done fucking this pussy". He tells me I dont get to make that call and gets up and rips the shirt I am wearing completly in half and tells me I should never have clothes on while I am this bed with him and fucks me. Now I am conflicted. I loved the vigor in which this man ripped my clothes from my body but that was my fucking favorite shirt. And I am not is sub-space anymore. (to clarify sub-space is a magical place your mind and body get to when you feel like you are serving your Master and your body enjoys pain and discipline). He was slapping my ass and I was not enjoying it. He was fucking me from behind and slapping my ass. And he knows I am not enjoying it but that brings him joy and he just fucks me harder and slaps me harder. It starts to feel like it is going too far. Like and intense piece of music where the notes just get faster and closer together and you know something is going to happen and he slaps me one more time and I jolt away from him and yell "stop". I turn my body and look him in the eyes and he gives me a very serious look and pushes me back down into the bed, then grabs my hips and pulls me up and starts fucking me some more. So I am having orgasm after orgasm. My body likes this, but my mind is getting pissy and starting to feel victimized. I stop reacting to the ass slapping but not before I screamed his name several times and screamed for him to stop. When it was over my body felt good. I liked the intensity on some level but my feelings are just a little too raw for this. I said to him I need some aftercare and he was not receptive to me. Instead of feeling like I made him happy I just felt like I irritated him. It has been a lot to process. It has taken me a few days even to give words to it. 

We bicker and fuss a little more but he softens and hugs me before we head down stairs. We spend some time talking to the kids and he leaves. He text me the next day about the next time to meet. And of course I will and I will love it but I need for him to connect with me. 

The whole day we had this argumentative energy with each other. And we were talking and he said to watch my mouth or I won't see this dick again until after Thanksgiving or maybe Christmas to which I said " those are bold words for someone who knows I have a two week limit before I need dick" and I looked into his eyes and said with my intensity of my stare that I will not be hurting for some dick! He hates my mouth, to him I am always saying some fucked up shit. 

I did call him JF again today. I forgot to mention that. He was loading the tools in my car and I forget what he did but he was getting on my nerves and I called him JF. He acknowledged it but let it roll off his shoulders but while we were fucking he brought that shit up again and made me say his name a few times. He was not happy. And I can not even blame him for that. If he called me his ex-wifes name I would be shook. I think that would hurt me forever. 

So I might see him this week again but I really wanted some dick today. JF finally came to take the kids out again and it was so nice to have the opportunity to rest and relax and not have to worry or feel guilt for not entertaining the kids. I dont need much to start feeling like myself again and start wanting some dick again. 

Trash Dick

 D and I have been not talking for the last week or so. For me I felt like things were fine and we were just not checking in. I was cool with it because I am so miserable lately I was cool with it. He then calls me to see if he should come down Sunday, (today). I dont instantly want him to. And I get the sense he felt the same way, but I knew I would have my period soon and then it would be like 2 weeks before I could get some dick and it has been two weeks already so today was like preemptive dick. This was strictly dick that was meant to tamp down the hormonal cravings that I know will come in the next few days. 

He came about 11am. I was in a good mood. My house was clean, I had some energy but I did not want to spend the entire day in my room with him. Anyhow we go upstairs. We get naked and talk for a minute. And immediately I get frustrated. I want to lay on my stomach and suck his dick because it is comfortable and I feel like I can focus on the dick and do it better. He wants me on my knees so he can play with my pussy. Now this may sound surprising for a girl who likes a gang bang but I dont like to do two things at once. I want to be receiving pleasure or giving pleasure but not at the same time. I dont like it. It makes me pissed and frankly I sucked his dick half heartedly and it was his own fault. 

We fuck. I dont remember even the position. Maybe we started in missionary but I dont love that sometimes when I am really craving a good fuck. I just want it from the back. I tell him I want it from the back and we move into it and it is good. He is fucking me hard and his balls are slapping on my clit and it feels good but I want it to hurt just a little bit. I want to struggle to take it. I dont want to be pushing myself onto trying to get it as deep as possible. The dick is not as hard as I like it. It is to me obviously not that hard. Last time I saw him is was rock hard! But today it was just eh. It was good enough he came. We fucked like 2 more times. The dick never rose like I wanted it to. 

We went downstairs, I made lunch and we eventually made it back upstairs. He goes to fuck me and his dick is not hard, I would say it is in a frustrating state of mediocrity and the whole time he is fucking me I keep telling myself just get through this and you will be done. I was sure he would not want to keep fucking all afternoon with this situation. I was wrong. 

After that fuck. I started to get miserable. I told him I did not want to fuck anymore because my pussy was sore, which was half right. I had some stinging from some friction but more accurately I had to stop feeling like this man was fucking me with a semi hard dick. In my head I was like just please stop. Then I would try to make him cum it was exhausting. When I say that I am done, he takes that like a personal challenge and wants to exercise his power over me. What can I do. We fuck another two time. I came today but not every time we fucked. I think I only came the first time. 

We were talking and I was telling him that I was feeling aggravated. He asks why and I tell him that my leg was in pain from my sciatic problem and I was having pms. He rolls his eyes because according to him pms is not a thing. I have actually been diagnosed with PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder) and him acting like it is nothing is infuriating to me. I dont say much. I feel like he is so dumb in this moment that I should not even waste my breath talking to this idiot. 

He goes to leave and I give him a hug and it felt really good, I pull him back and hug him again. I also enjoyed the moments laying with him in bed with my head on his arm and my ass pressed up against his hip, our legs entangled and me hugging my blanket on the other side. This part felt good to me. 

Overall, I was sorry I wasted my day off on this. I feel frustrated and I am questioning all of my life choices at this point. In case you missed it from my tone, I am having some severe pms this month. It has been a hellish couple of days. My plan for the week is to put my head down and just keep moving along. 

That Bitch

 It has been a minute since I have felt implored to blog. D did come down last weekend but it felt more like more of the same to me and I never did find the energy or motivation to memorialize it here. It was good though. I felt all the needed connections and my body felt satisfied. The next day he called me while I was at work. I was alone in my office and he says "how is my slut", and I immediately smile and blush and feel the rush of happiness pulse right to my pussy. It really does not take much to turn me on.  As I looked back on this instantaneous reactions of mine I thought to myself what did it for me? Can you guess? It was not the slut but the "my" that took my breath away. Him announcing his ownership of me is what does it for me. 

This last time he was here he was calling me a bitch a lot. For example several times during the last few primal pumps of his dick before he cums "bitch" rolled out of his mouth with just a little too much emphasis. I did say to him "You are a little heavy on the bitch today" and he took me by the back of my head and said "yeah, come here bitch" and place my mouth on his dick. 

I dont know if he is going to come down tomorrow. We kinda left it up in the air. I am ok if I do not see him. I am feeling just a little hormonal. Im not sure when my period is coming but I defiantly am in the throws of a hormonal shift. 

My daughter has been not well this week and now my youngest is sick and my middle child is, as always, giving me a run for my money. I have been parenting hard and I am a little worn out. My two youngest have been sleeping in my bed for weeks now. I am tired of it. I love the closeness to them and based on my research co-sleeping is really good for bonding and creating long term security in children. But last night those two assholes literally were fighting in the bed because ones leg touched the other one. This was at 2am. I can not do it. I told them tonight I would be putting them in their own beds and locking my door. I dont want to do it, but it needs to be done. I still dont know if I will be able to do it. 

I did call D the other day to talk to him about my rental property. And it was quiet in my house. I laid on the couch and called him and we were talking and then like a strike of lighting those two kids starting fighting and the youngest came to me wailing and crying, and than ran back to fight some more. This happened about three times. I should have told him I would have called him right back but frankly I was tired and sometimes kids just need to figure it out themselves. However they persisted. He got irritated and again told me how I do not discipline them. He is not wrong. I do things the way I do them and I have to live with the consequences for my life. I could not sleep at night if I treated my kids the way he treats his sometimes. I always lead with love and emotional processing and regulation. I want my kids to be able to regulate their emotions and understand why they feel the way they do and to pay attention to what their body is telling them. I want them to understand that no matter what I will love them unconditionally forever. I feel like you can not teach an adult to self-regulate in a positive way like you can teach kids. And there will be plenty of assholes in their life that dish out harshness and unloving rules. I can do better than that for these kids. But it is a path that does take a lot of self-reflection and thoughtful words and actions. If I dont think I can parent positively I will opt to distract if I can. Anyway, D did not hang up on me but he ended our conversation with irritation telling me he had to go. This made me feel bad. For me it is the instant anxiety that he will leave me and it does not go away to I hear his voice again and he is loving and accepting. I was stressed for about 18 hours. I did not like it. I am learning so much about giving with D.   

With my exhusband and JF I was not giving at all. In my head I thought I was but I see I was very intolerant and did whatever I needed to do to stay in control. That was because I was dying for those men to take control. I did not want the control but I could not give it to them. They had to know enough to take it. 

I had this dream last night about this dog that I had, he has been dead for 16 years now. In this dream, the dog heard my voice from a very far distance and came running for me. He jumps into my arms and I hold him like a baby. He is old and I could feel his happiness and my own contentment. I say this just to share a memory of my sweet mentally ill Jack Russel dog that I named Russel. I dont know what happens in the mind to bring that kind of memory back and so vividly feel the feelings. I missed him today. 

And last but not least thoughts for the day....is the government going to step in at some point and address the fact that people cant afford food? I feel like it is the elephant in the room that politicians are not talking about. Where are we heading? I know my grocery habits have changed a lot since food increased so much.  We are making cuts everywhere to make sure I can still make ends meet. It is not easy out here and I know that I am so much better off than a lot of people. I wish I could just pick up my friends and family and we could all pick up and move to a country that has their shit together a bit more than this one. 

Unexpected

 D said he was coming down yesterday about 1ish, after his immigration appointment. I liked this idea. I was not particularly in the mood to spend an entire day fucking but I thought 1pm would be great because I could get some stuff done, cook for the kids, take my time to get ready. I got up at 7am. And I cleaned the kitchen and downstairs up. I was in my pajamas and I had not brushed my teeth or even fixed my hair from sleep. I need to wash my pussy and my daughter says "D is here". I say "No he is not" and well in he comes. I liked being caught off guard in a way but I was a little worried he was not going to let me shower before he fucked me.

I did take the time to shower and we finally made it to bed. His immigration appointment went well and things are moving in the right direction and with a little luck his temporary green card will be in his hands next week. 

Sex was good, as it always seems to be, but he fucked me for a little bit and then took his dick out an rubbed very softly on my pussy and then my ass. And then just push it in my ass just enough I could feel it and kept it moving. This (on this day at least) was the magic word for me to do anal and not be in pain. He kept rubbing his dick over and over my ass  and pussy each time with just a little more pressure on my ass until it just slid in. Now it hurt for a about 30 seconds but then I was like yes! I was on my back he was on top of me. I could hear him breathing and me breathing and him stretching my ass. He would have this look of such pleasure on his face when he turned his head and got into a rhythm of fucking me. We eventually moved back to regular fucking. Then back to anal again. This time I found myself asking him to push it in deeper as it made me cum. Sometimes I cant believe that I can like anal so much. But when it is not the right day for it...it is really not the right day for it. He should take my word on it when I say I dont want to. There is always good reason. On the days I want to and he puts some time into prep I was able to make him happy. 

We take a break. We hang out with the kids, I feed everyone and we eventually make it back upstairs. Now remember we just had anal twice. I said to him I needed break and to let me go to the bathroom before we fuck again. I just wanted to be sure things were right. Well we are fucking and he is trying to make me squirt and I am trying not to because when you squirt your body just does what it is going to do and I was afraid I would shit on him. So he keeps wanting to do missionary so he can suck on my tits. Which is great and I love that but his dick is in me, he is laying on top of me and all that is pushing  on my abdomen and I could tell something was going to happen. So while "shit on him" is not exactly what happened there was some brown staining on the sheets. He was surprising less cool with then he was the last time. He was like Party is over. He was not mad he was like I just dont want to fuck right now. Which is wild to me because last time this happened it was WAY worse and he was like whatever. And this man has never cared if I vomitted on his dick, if I was sick, if I had showered... he just never been real fussy. But something about this day took him back. 

We went outside on the porch and just sat and talked. We ended up talking about 2 and half hours. And it reminded me so much of the early years where we would talk for hours and hours in the car as we laid naked and fucked and talked. He told me lots of things. 

First, I cant remember the context of the conversation but I said something to the affect of "I think I deserve some credit for being your ride or die bitch for the last 20 years" to which he said you have been my number one and will always be. I hear this and I think is this really happening. I just want to stop and hear all the things that he says but I get stuck on did he just say that for real? Is it real? Did I dream that? Is he acknowledging that I am his for the rest of his life. It meant a lot to me. I am not sure I am doing it justice because I can not remember what came before or after those few lines because I was just stunned. 

He shared something about his mom and some reason on why he could have some mommy issues. We talked about he early years in the country and all the jobs he has had and all the things he has done. We talked about us and intertwining our lives together and more in detail of what that looks like and how that will be happening. 

He finally says, I want to fuck you again. And we head upstairs. We were having some hot sex. The two hour break did us some favors. He was fucking me and asked me if I wanted to taste my pussy on his dick to which of course I do. I go to suck his dick and I am sucking it like a fucking porn star.  I  know this shit looks hot and he is not able to control his moans, I just here him getting close to orgasm and I deep throat it and he cums in the back of my throat. His dick was just throbbing in my mouth. It was incredible. Then he pulls me right to him and push his dick right back into me. I motion to him that I dont want to swallow the cum and he tells me to spit it on his dick. And I happily do. He loves that shit. I give him head a for more minutes before we are fucking again like to animals in heat. 

We talk a little bit more before he goes. About my ex. He was getting frustrated about that situation and I dont know why. It does not frustrate me. Im not sure what is going on there. Yes JF has done things to hurt me emotionally, financially but everyone makes mistakes. I still love him, he is still a man I created two lives with and I want the best for him and if I can I will help him. If I love someone enough to share my life with them for 10 years and create kids then I dont just shut the love off. And there is no problem with that. He actually left kind of miserable from that conversation. It was a weird end to the day. 

I felt good though, I learned a lot of D's hardness and where it comes from. There is no changing him but understanding the meaning of certain things to him has helped me understand why he does the things he does. 

 D came down like he was supposed to on Friday. I was surprised that he followed through again. We had to do some work (more like he had) at the rental property. He got there at 11. He walked in while I was doing the dishes so I did not hear him and he startled me. We went to my parents house to get the ladder we needed and then we headed to the property, did the work and then back to parents and back to the house. I swear it took like 3 hours. I was feeling to impatient. He was supposed to come earlier and he did not want to fuck before we left. I know why - once he gets his dick sucked he is no good for work. This is when he redid that room on my house it took so long. He offered me the dick before we went but I declined because the rental property upkeep is important to me. And he is the only person that helps me with that. 

He chatted up my Mom while we were there and then my mom asks us what we are doing for the rest of the day. I say nothing. He repeats me. Why does my mom always ask questions she does not want the answer to. We were going to fuck for the rest of the day, of course. We never do anything else. Fuck, Eat, Sleep, sometimes work.

Sex is good. There was a lot of panting from us both. I said to myself "why is sex with him so fucking good". Even when it is not good it is good. I felt like my oral skills were lacking, not that he said anything but my jaw was sore and I just feel like it was not my best. 

We start playful talking about fucking someone else. It is something he likes to fantasize about. It is always people we know, I prefer to think about strangers. We end up getting heated, or at least I do. He says you always fuck better when you are mad. He did make me so mad and he was right, the sex was better after that argument. 

it was 6:30 and I wanted to ask him what time he was leaving but I felt bad and that it would defiantly come off the wrong way. I was done having sex. My pussy was raw and swollen, it was just time to do other stuff. And my kids were home and needed my attention and food. And I just needed a little bit of alone time. Like 9 hours with him I just needed to be alone. It is not just with him, it is him on me, in me, talking to me. And for the record I need alone time from my kids. Every single night. I revel in my time alone when no one is touching me or talking to me. My kids are high touch kids. If they are close enough to touch me then they are. They touch my hair, hug me, lay on me, rub my arm, sit so close to there is no space to move. I really doubled down on not repeating the cycle of no loving touch in my family but I may have taken it to far. To be fair earlier in the day I could not get enough of touching D. Holding hands with our fingers intertwined, laying my head on his chest my my arm draped across his belly, him laying behind me it all felt so good until it did not. And then it was really too much. 

He talked about coming back today. And I was all for that but lets be real, neither him and I have funds for him to drive back and forth everyday. We have to time it out for maximum satisfaction. We talked today about Sunday, but even with that I feel like I will feel bad ignoring my kids for a whole day.

Feeling all the feels

 NJ Submissive Girl is feeling in love. I can not take it. I feel so in love with D I just sometimes need to say it out loud. I need to just revel in the bliss of feeling connected to him and being part of his life in a way that I have wanted to be for the last 20 years. I feel like I have been playing the long game and I am finally winning. I am almost to the finish line, I can see it coming and I am feeling the intensity of a 20 year pregame in my soul. 

D was trying to come down last Friday and Sunday but he could not come until later in the day and then he has to be back. ( I think we talked this before but he watches his brothers kids for him a lot). His brothers are good to him so I understand him wanting to keep his commitment. D and I had this really good conversation about what we should do. From an outsider point of view it would just be an adult conversation but to me it meant so much more. We made a choice together based on what was best for both of us. He made sure I was not too disappointed and I made sure he would not be too tired driving so much and in the end we decided that we could wait until Sunday. 

Sunday came. He was running later than he would like but he was on his way. He said he could only stay until 5. I said with a very strong attitude "why", he snapped back at me. It made me cry. There are some other details I am leaving out but the gist of it was he did not like my response and I did not like his. I cried while I sat on the porch and I called my mom and complained about everything. I sucked it up and took my kids to my sisters for the day. (a rare treat)

He got there before I got home and he comes in and I come home right behind him. I tell him I need a quick shower and he wait for me. He gets naked and lays down. I still am on this kick of enjoying sucking his dick.  I am feeling more empowered and I have been more vocal with him about the things that make it hard for me to do for a long time. 

As a public service announcement to men: When you push a women's head down on your dick while she is sucking your dick it makes it really hard to keep the pace and we are pushing back on your force and it makes our neck hurt really bad. D has stopped doing this since I have explained it to him. I sometimes catch him but I will move my head and get his hand off and then he is reminded and I can suck dick so much more freely.  

But moving on, D's dick was in rock hard condition. Something that has been a little be waning lately but it was good. Just like the old days. We fucked all the ways we do and he made a point to push his dick so deep into my pussy that I could feel the stretch from taking the larger girth and the base of his dick. We were so intertwined. We move so in sync with each other. It was just amazing. We fucked for two hours and he stands up and announces a 15 minute break. He asks me what I am going to do on break and I say barely have the energy to say "drink water and eat". I was starving. The sex left us panting and sweating. It was cardio for two hours. I ran downstairs and grab the only think I could think of that was quick, which was a waffle and bottle of water and waited for him to come back. 

The next 2.5 hours were also good but I was sore. This is one of those things that I can not wait for when he moves in. Sex one session at a time. Marathon sex is good sometimes and sometimes my body is up for it but sometimes it hurts when he has been pounding me for two hours. I would have liked to take a 3 hour break and come back to it but it was not in the cards for me. He did sleep for like 15 mins. He told me to suck his dick again and I did. He was very pleased with the way I was doing it. But I dont know what I was doing. He pushes me off of him and grabs my legs and spins me around and mounts me talking about "I have to fuck you good after you sucking my dick that good". 

We have this really good conversation while we are laying there in the afterglow. He talks about why he was so pissed on the phone earlier and all the things he was dealing with in that moment. It was just a really good connection. He has been really doing well in that department for like 2 whole weeks. That is good for him. I know there will be another dip in the connection but good god I am going to try to ride that wave the best I can. 

For now our plans is he will come back on Friday. We will work on the rental property and we will fuck for the rest of the day. 

Savoring the Moment

 It has been a long almost 2 weeks since I saw D. I was tense. I wasn't struggling with tension and I knew I needed some dick. He was not calling me. It did not bother me because I know he was stressed. He is STILL waiting for this letter from immigration and still can not go back to work until he gets it. 

I asked him when he called me to make plans for the weekend if he could help me at my rental property. There is a leak where the addition meets the main house and I needed it fixed and a little bit of drywall and installation replaced. He said sure without hesitation, for which I appreciated. I love this rental property but sometimes the stress of things like that gets to me. It is not hard work but it is work that I do not have the time to do. I could have pulled out the drywall and stuck my head in the attic and seen the leak but seriously I dont have the time or mental energy for that. 

Sunday rolls around and he is supposed to call me when he is leaving. He told me " I will be there as early as possible and leave about 7p". So in my mind that meant he would be there about 7am and I was actually looking forward to him waking me up with some dick. But as I woke up at 8:30 and he was not there I thought that was strange but I just moved about my day. I made some food, cleaned up and called him and he did not answer. I started to get mad and I did not want to feel mad so I took an edible and got the kids ready to go to the pool. I am on the way to the pool and he calls me and says he will be there in an hour. He had left already and had forgotten to call me, but was also later than expected. So I take the kids to the pool and swim for a bit and then leave the kids with my friend and head home. The edible is now starting to take effect, little by little, it sneaks up on me. 

D and I have some time to fuck and make as much noise as we want. I love this. Sometimes I just need to scream like I want to and grunt and that deep guttural moan. And he defiantly vibes with me when he starts hearing me groan or trying to talk coherently. 

Something has changed in my body that now I can take his dick better than I have ever could. I dont know why. I dont think it is his dick, I think it is me. But there used to be certain positions that I just could not do and have him fuck me hard but now it is just not like that. It is just good in every position and does not hurt. And as a result we get into these really rough sex session where I am on my knees face flat on the bed and he  grabs my hips and fucks me with such vigor I swear he is going to hurt something but it is just blissful. Its that hard thrust with that deep fuck - it is amazing. I like that position too. 

The edible is in full effect. After the fucking, I go to lift my head up and just cant. I feel like my brain is falling through space. It is a weird type for head high that happens sometimes when I take just a little too much. I just lay there feeling ultra relaxed and he slides my body over to his and puts his dick back in me. 

We fuck 3 times before we head to the rental property. He puts his dick in me and I start to cum. Almost immediatly. I came so hard he said he has never felt me cum that hard before and my pussy contract on his dick like that before. It must had happened like 5 times in a row. It was like my body was starving and as soon as I got the dick my body began to rejoice. 

 At the rental property he is so friendly and chatty with people. I am there holding the trash bags and laying down the drops clothes and handing him the tools he needs, making sure the ladder does not fall. My tenant does not quite understand our relationship. At first I think she assumed he was the contractor I hired but this time she said "so you guys have known each other awhile then" and I say "yes a long time" as I feel myself blushing. I almost want to say he is the man I was always meant to be with and who I have been love with for the last 20 years". But I just smile and continue to be his assistant. We get in the car and I take this time when I have him captive to talk to him about how much I am struggling with this lack of dick and communication. I told him he needs to bring me that dick at least 1x a week. That he needs to keep me in dick like it is his job, because it is. I told him that is "really a struggle not to have dick for like 10, 14 days or more. I hope he understood what I was saying. 

We have to go to home depot, and I find myself in the same Home Depot that we meant 20 years ago. I felt so nostalgic and peaceful for some reason. 

I find myself giggling a lot this day. I generally have a very giddy, happy reaction to the edible. When he was leaving he said he liked the experience of fucking me when I was just a little bit high. 

We head back to finish the work and he talks about fucking me in the shed. And he looks at me with this smile. Oh I love his smile. It is this mischievous grin that makes me melt. We do not fuck in the shed as it was too full but we finished the work and headed back to my house to fuck. We only got to fuck one more time and he had to go before the bad weather came ( he rode a motorcycle down). I thank him and tell him how much I appreciated his help today. This was hard for me to do. My fatal flaw is that when you fuck up I will crucify you with my words but when nail it I shy away from praise. I have to really dig deep to make those words of appreciation come out of my mouth. I know this was a big problem in my relationship with JF and my ex-husband and I am trying to do better. I purposely work on this with my children too. I dont know why it is just so much easier for me to communicate the negative. 

We talk about when we are going to meet again. I was waiting for my period and so it was likely going to be next weekend. I told him to check in with me, even if he was not feeling like talking. He texts me this morning. He says "Hi", I say "Hey", he texts the smiling heart emoji and I reply to the message with a heart. I am really in my car wondering if someone else has his phone. I mean that was my first thought. I sit with for a bit and feel like he did hear me about the checking in with me part and how I need to hear from him. I love him. I really love this man so much. I tell him I got my period so I will be ready for his visit on the weekend and he says "ok" and we leave it that. That is all I needed. 

In other news, in this recent dry spell when I was not seeing D for the last two weeks, I thought about asking the neighbor over. I hesitated because he just be running the streets too much for me. I am feeling like his is too risky for me. And this is not a judgement call it is just facts. He told me he was going to get STI testing again because he saw some random women who he fucked in the back of his car the other day. And what bothers me the most is that there are STI that will not show up on the work up they do for men but will for women (like trichamonsis) and then he may give it to me without even knowing. And while he says he will wear a condom.... in the heat of the moment him and I both have a problem wearing it. I hate condoms but I will use them. I have only had unprotected sex with a handful of people. While my body count is in the triple digits the men that fucked me raw is right around 10. 

So for tonight I feel so peaceful and content. I feel like D and I are on the right path for us and we are still very much connected. I just want to savor this feeling for as long as I possibly can. 

Relaxation

 He came down today. Thank God! I needed to get some dick, I was tense. He came about 9am and we went right upstairs. I am really into sucking dick, or maybe it is just his dick. I am not sure. It is like I have this need for it. Sucking dick has always been about a means to an end but now I just want it in my mouth. I crave it. He will be fucking me and I will ask him to stop and let me suck it. Sometimes he does and sometimes he does not. And I just love sucking this dick after he cums in me and his body is still pulsating and he cum covered cock just glides in and out of my mouth. I have never felt this way. This is why I always say to people I never know when I am going to feel what. Never in my life did I think I would crave sucking his cock right after he cums in me but yet I do. It is inexplicable. 

His dick was in good shape today. It felt amazing and did all the things I needed it to do. We were fucking from 9 to 3:45 with only a few minutes breaks here and there. He would cum, I would suck his dick clean and then I would lay on this arm with my face on his chest and my arm laying on his stomach. I would revel in the skin to skin contact. After about 3 hours of sex I was so intensely relaxed I just wanted to lay there. I was not sleepy just amazingly relaxed and my body did not hurt. I have been dealing with this sciatica pain for weeks now but all the positions and motions did not bother me at all. It was really a relaxing day. By the end I was getting a little touched out but I did not get my last orgasm the way I wanted before he finished and I asked him to suck on my tit a little. He say no. I asked him to let me have his finger and he said no. I inquired as to why he makes all the decisions about what I get and he said so plainly because I am your Master. This is not a word that we use a lot. In our relationship Dom/sub issue are not talked about to much in the way of you must submit to me or I make the decisions because I am the Master. He answered made me smile but I still did want my tits sucked on a bit more. 

After he left life fell into full swing with the kids. Picking up, doctors appointments, grocery shopping, dinner, reading and all I could think about is how I want more dick. The more I get it the more I want it. He thinks he will be the one who wants more sex when he moves in but I think it could be me. At least currently how I am feeling. Six months ago, I think him and I were questioning my ability to keep up with him. But like with everything else in my life it comes and goes. 

I finally just had a minute to shower and it feels really good now. My body is clean and relaxed. I changed the sheets and I am looking forward to some deep sleep tonight. I am also looking forward to laying down and not being touched for a few minutes just let my body enjoy this new level of relaxation and zen. 

I begged him again to take a video of him fucking me. Just a POV video so I can see the dick going in and out of my pussy. He also would not do that. If I ask enough he will do it one day, but usually he will surprise me with that shit. 

I got dressed, in this grey knit dress (that if I am being honest about was too tight). I think he liked it. He came over and slapped my ass and kiss / bit me on my neck and grabbed my pussy before we walked out the door. 

Bitch in all the wrong ways

 It has been a good 2 weeks since I have seen D. Somewhere in between those days the neighbor asked me if I wanted to fuck. I reluctantly said yes, and then the morning of I said no and then he talked me into it. I was not in the mood. So much so that I did not even get out of bed to greet him and I got my vibrator out to pre-game before he came but I really needed to get an orgasm out of this.  So I am doing that and he comes up to my bedroom and I stop masturbating and he gets undressed. I suck his dick for like a minute and he tells me to move back and gets in the beg and starts to fuck me. Why is his dick so fucking hard? This man's dick is remarkably hard all the time. It is lovely. Don't get me wrong he has a great dick, it gets really hard, it is a good size but he still does not always find the rhythm to make me cum. But I really appreciate the solid rock hard dick. He does play with Viagra a little...in his words "sometimes I just take a bite of one". I don't know but I am here for it. 

Either way he is fucking me, in a very basic way and it is working for me and I do cum like twice. I say to him "just dont cum in me" to which he replies "its too late". All I could do was shake my head. He had cum but was still hard and still fucking me. I hate the cum in me. I hate it. I dont hate it when D does it, but everyone else's cum disgusts me and is just a reminder of my weaknesses.  There are some random days I did ask him to cum in me and I liked it but in generally I dont want the cum. He eventually stops fucking me and asks me to suck his dick so he can cum again. I say "eh my mouth is really dry". I am laughing out loud even as I recall this. I was so not in the mood. I half hearted suck it a few pity strokes and then I am just like fuck it. He is like "let me get some porn" to which I rejoice inside because I cant be bothered to make this man finish. And in my head I am like "please jesus dont ask me to lay close you like last time". I do not want skin to skin contact.  

The neighbor and I have gotten this thing down to the most mechanical, basic, sex for quelling cravings only that it can be. We both, self proclaimed sex addicts talk about our other conquests and fucks like two people talking about the weather. We both know this is not an encounter based on lust. This is strictly about coveniece and orgasm and it been so long now there is friendship too. 

I did regret it though as I spent the next 36-48 hours waiting for all the cum to get out my body. Ugh. It is disgusting. To be clear, not that the cum smelled but it has his scent and every time I used the bathroom I was reminded of him cumming inside of me. That's a lot or remembrance for a 15 minute fuck that I did not really want to have. My body needed the orgasm though. 

D was supposed to come down Sunday. He called me early in the morning to tell me, his truck has a flat tire and he was going to take his friends bike but there was something wrong with it. He said he was sorry during this conversation 3x. I dont think D has ever said he was sorry to me ever. I have no memory of this man ever apologizing to me. It might has happened, the blog would know better than my memory. Either way I was disappointed of course but truth be told I did not want to see him Sunday. I was not feeling great and I was stressed about trying to phyc myself up for like 8 hours of fucking. It is a long day when he comes here. 

Now I sit here tonight, I am in the same place worrying about him coming down tomorrow. That is the plan for him to come at 9am. In this moment right now I have been up for 13 hours in which I have driven my daughter to work, drove my kids to my moms, drove to work (all this is over an hour closer to 1.5). I went to work. Came home, made dinner, cleaned the house up, took my kid and friend to the pool, stopped for snacks, cleaned up from dinner, showered and did kids hair, forced reading with my 11 year which means I had to sit and listen and take turns reading. I spent a significant time on my phone, responded to emails, shot the shit with my mom and sister and friend and here I am at 10p worried that my house is not clean enough for D. And I DO NOT want to hear a fucking thing out of his mouth tomorrow about any of it. I already have feelings about it myself. I wish I could have taken care of the house more but there just was not time. And he always says the kids should be doing it. Well my almost 17 year old daughter works at a summer camp and she is dog tired all day everyday and yes she can help but I try to give her a break when she is working because it is not her mess. It is mostly the littlest and dinner. And I can not get the 11 year old to do a fucking thing. He is my hardest child and we are just not in a place where I can have him do chores with out me riding his ass. And sometimes that is more energy than I have. So I am already defensive about it all. 

The other day he and I had a conversation. I am taking steroids for sciatica flare up and I am really BITCHY. So he said something about my kids helping me in the kitchen and we are all supposed to cook and clean up together. And I fucking jumped down his throat so fast and shut that shit down. He did not even say shit back to me. He just said okay. That was comical to me because never do I get to talk slick to him but I like to think he was picking up my vibe. He has this Mary Poppins idealogy of how parenting is suppose to work and it is just like okay asshole who was working all day while your ex-wife parented the kids most of the time. 

I am getting myself all worked up about tomorrow and I just need to chill. I am sure once the dick is inside it will be back to normal. I hope anyway. These steroid for my back really make submission difficult. I get such and internal rage from them. And I am always physically hot. 

Overthinking

 D managed to secure a lawyer for his immigration issue and now awaits the USPS to deliver a letter that will allow him to go back to work. He talked to me during these days of uncertainty. He told me that he felt scared and how nervous he was at his appointment. He broke down that image that I have of him that he is unfeeling and stoic. He checked in with to see how I was feeling and how my day was going. Now his phone is dead because he has no money and his phone is expensive, I guess. 

Im not mad at D, but I am in a place of feeling a little over it all. Im not mad at him for anything but his generally inability to take care of things in his life continues to encroach on my life and my right to happiness. Im getting pretty tired of being alone while he figures his shit out. In my head I am like if he was not working why wouldn't he just come and chill with me for two weeks while he waits for the letter. What would be the down side of that. And there are some reasons he will give me but for real for real he does what he wants and he must not have wanted to. So I dont feel bad for doing me. I am always going to do me. I have not talked to D in a week. And we have this conversation about how 2 weeks is my max of no contact before I start fucking everything that moves. So I hope he did not forget our conversation. 

When we were talking about him going back to Trinidad one of the first questions out of my mouth was are we fucking other people while you are gone? He stumbled on this question at first, I think he was surprised that I asked it so quickly. He made a joke out of it but I was not kidding. If he needed to go home and be away from me for months then I wanted to know what the expectation for sex was. He did not really expect me to wait 9 months, did he? And what did I expect from him? I did not even know. I just wanted to clear it up so I knew what the rules were. We never did. His inability to communicate directly continues to do him a disservice. 

In one of our conversations he asked me if I would bail him out... and I without hesitation said " you know I would" and he laughed and said that is good but he would never get locked up. 

This week has been busy and I have had my period and so I have just been taken care of business and not really given a second thought to sex really. But my period is over and I feel the hormones ramping up and I dont really want sex as much as I am wanting some attention, conversation, connection. Cone dick invited me to and adult swim party tonight. I had to laugh out loud at the invite because my first thought was the two bathing suits I own are Land's End Swim Dresses and are more about sun coverage than anything else. And I hate parties. The only reason I ever went to parties before was to make the connections to make sure I had a team intact at all times and I know how to find the men I want now and I can do all that on my own. I think my party days are behind me. Not my gang bang days but my party days. I hate parties with people I know and like I sure and hell dont want to have to talk to new people. And when I did go to parties I would not talk with people. My Dom would do it all for me. I dont think I ever said two words (other than that which was said while I was getting fucked). 

In this week I notice I have been thinking about a lot of things from my past and having so many feelings about them. It is like there is no drama with D so I am just making up shit to be upset about. I had a chill day today and I found myself bored with nothing to do. House was clean, laundry was done, I went grocery shopping. All the things were done and I just felt clueless. The kids were out with my mom and I was lost. I feel myself thinking too much. Even tonight writing this I am having a few too many feelings about things. I like staying distracted. Thinking to hard on anything will always bring problems. 

I dont want sex but I am already planning in my head my sex options for this week. How, where, who and I am trying to make sure I get the most out of the encounter because who knows when I will see D again. My team is small, the options are limited and I dont like that. I like a stacked bench so for whatever mood I am in I can get my needs met. 

Water Sports

 D has an immigration problem. We having been dealing with since last week. It has not been easy. There has been lots of scary moments when the realization was made that he needed to leave the country in 6 days or he needed to secure a $6500 lawyer. The issue is not completely resolved but it feels like it is going to work out with the lawyer. 

D came down today to see me. He arrived - ARRIVED-at my house at 6:55am. I did not even get out of bed for him. I was in and out of sleep when he got here and he got naked and got in the bed with me and I move my head down to his dick. I ask him to fuck me from behind first and he tells me no. He grabs my legs and slides me down the bed. Slides me like I am not a big women but slides me like he is moving a kids around. It is amazing. We have all the sex for hours. We took our first break at 11am for maybe a half hour and back again. His dick stayed hard the whole time today, which made me think the stress of all this was killing him the last few weeks. My body is a little sore from all the dick but it is not a soreness that I dislike. It is a soreness that reminds me of my day and give me a minute to pause and relive it. 

He always want to talk about fucking my sister and I always bring up fucking his brother. He said, there is not problem if he never found out. I feel uncomfortable when he says this and I change the topic. His brother calls though and asks him to come back to help him watch his kid so he can take the other one to the ER. He has been here since 7am so by 2p I was ok for him to go. But we had to fuck one more time. I ask for it from the back again and he obliges me. We were fucking for awhile and then he stops. I dont know why he is stopping and I thought to myself maybe his dick went soft but then I feel this hot liquid on my ass and I think he is cumming but slowing I feel it flowing down my pussy and dripping onto to my bed. I realize he is pissing on me and I cum with that realization and feeling of warmth pressure on my clit.  This was just what I have been asking for the last couple of weeks. He stops peeing and continues to fuck me and rubs my clit until I squirt on him. It is so wet and intense but he finishes and he goes to pee and I asks him to come back to me and I am on all fours with my face in his dick waiting for him to piss on me. I get nervous and lean up so he can piss on my tits and he wants to do in my face. I am hesitant but I move my face down to him and start sucking his cock a little bit and licking it while I wait for him to piss on me.  When he finishes I turn around and beg him to fuck me, he pushes my head down and has me lay face down ass up in the pissy bed. I really enjoyed it. And so did he. He went into the bathroom to clean up and he was saying what a great job I did today. And I said I was not done and I bent down and took his dick in my mouth and sucked it so good. I did not want to stop but he needed to go and I was covered in piss. He said that seems like a dick suck so I will remember to come back here. I get in the shower and he cleans up and gets dressed. We hug and it is good. He says to me "dont ever feel like you need to fight for a place in my life, you have it already, you have had it for years". This seemed so out of place for me, it was so out of left field I did not know what to make of it at first. But I do feel like I need his reassurance to know that I am important to him. He is not someone that shares a lot with words. I am a word sharer. I like words and I like for people to talk and talk and talk about a topic until I feel like everything is said. So relying on his actions is sometimes hard when we all know his actions are questionable at times. This phrase that I was not expecting, this verification that he values me made me feel really content today. 

He was happy when he left, we both were happy. We were laughing and joking all day. It was easier than it has been for weeks. It was more fulfilling and more relaxed than it has been in so long. It was just so good. 

I am so tired. It is about 7pm now and I don't have much more energy for much else tonight. I do feel like I am going to need a second shower, the smelling of piss in lingering I think. I am working on the laundry. And of course I always keep my waterproof mattress cover on my bed for these kind of scenarios. I highly recommend one if you value your mattress. 

Oh the other day this guy, I refer to him to my friend as cone dick bc his dick is shaped liked a traffic cone, text me to fuck. I was into because my default is always yes to cock. But I was not feeling it. I did not really want to have sex, I did not need to have sex, I was feeling really in love with D, and logistically it was going to be hard. I had sooo much trouble saying no. I felt like an obligation to cone dick to fulfill his needs. He wanted to fuck me so I should have made myself available. It was very hard to say no. Very Hard but I did do it and I was glad that I did because I would have felt guilty seeing D today. 

Depart for the Usual

 D did not make it down on the weekend. His car was in the shop and it did not get fixed until yesterday. He said he could come today. I fervently said "I am not waiting another week to have sex". He said I come Tuesday or Wednesday, which meant I had to rearrange my schedule. So I did. Today, I lied my mom and told her I was going to work and sent the kids to her house. By the time I got done taking all the kids where they needed to go D was at my house. I pull up and he is standing outside smoking a cigarette in his T&T head scarf. I am excited. 

I dont remember the beginning so much. But I remember me bent over and him fucking me and me having those tears of joy rolling down my face. It was again a few good hours of fucking. Then we took a break.

During this break he told me the extent of his immigration woes and that he has an appointment Thursday. This appointment may decided if he will be deported in order to refile his paperwork in his home country or if he will be allowed to do here. He has been in this country about 35 years, never and incident, never an arrest, never a lapse in his permeant residence status until now. If I have to guess why, it is because his wife probably took care of it when he has been married and now that he is not then well things just have not been taking care of. I know that sounds like I am dumbing down men, but they really do not know how to do things that women do. Women excel in taking care of business. He tells me he is super stressed about this and we talk about the plan and all the things. I cry. I cry a lot actually. This feels very reminiscent of the last time he went home and I did not see him for years.  I worry if I will see him again. He reassures me. I cried and hugged him a lot. There were some moments that he was loving and caring but there were also some moments that he was a dick and I thought to myself how can I love a man this fucking emotionally stunted.  I felt all the emotions during this 2 hours where we sitting, fully clothed talking. I felt rage for him being so stupid to let this happen, I felt pity for him because he is so mad at himself for letting this happen, I felt relief that I will have a break from him, I felt sadness for myself, I felt dumbfounded for the lack of emotional intelligence this man has. He did however tell me he loves me. And so while that does not seem like a big deal - it is. D does not share his feeling ever. I cant remember the last time I heard him tell me he loves me. It has been a long time - years. Maybe 10 years if I am being honest. He does lots of things that let me know he loves me but he does not say it. Sometimes I need him to say it. 

Unrelated he always says I am very childish because I cry a lot. And to be clear I have been trying to cry for months and months now with no success. I dont cry around him often but if someone is going to make me cry it will be him. This is the part I dont like about him. He is so ridiculous in his expectations sometimes. He says it is time for me to grow up I dont need to cry. There is so many things wrong with that statement. He said he cried a little when his mom died in 2004 and that was the last time. All I could think about was I remember exactly when his mom died because he came to see me a few days later. It was right before Christmas in 2004. We had been on a break for a few months because he was dealing with his mom's illness but I remember that like it was yesterday. So as for the time frame, I think that means we started seeing each other in November of 2003, I think. Whew. And he still makes me get butterflies when I see him and talk to him. 

I get done crying, he asks me to come outside with him while he smokes and we go upstairs. We have fun again but again same problem as last time, after the break the dick did not want to stand. It did, he came a like 3 more times and it was good but there was struggle then the last two times I was like in my head begging him to just stop. Knowing what I now know about his stress level maybe it is impacting his ability to fucking for 8 hours straight. 

However, the last time we fucked today, he had me on my knees and my head down on the bed fucking me. He likes to make sure my ass is up and my head is far down as it can go. Well I realize after a few minutes my nose is bleeding. A lot. He does not stop, he does not break stride, I stretch myself as far as I can to grab the tissue box while he just keeps going. I feel like there is not much that is stopping him. 

He got dressed and we hugged and I watched him walk to his car. I thought about how much I love him. I shut the door and went upstairs to use my vibrator. He did make me cum a lot today but sometimes I just want my vibrator. In particular when my pussy feels all beat the fuck up from a day of fucking and I just want to cum real quick. I did indeed get the one last orgasm I was craving. I cleaned the room up, put the toys away and got ready to flip into mom mode.

Overthink It

 JF asks if he can pick up the kids tomorrow and take them to dinner. We start chatting. I mentioned to him that I would have liked to have known that you were bringing your girlfriend to see the kids. He mentioned to me that I never told him that D was going to be here and I reminded him that the last time D and him were here JF was mad but I told him D would be here tomorrow so he could meet with him tomorrow if he wanted. But I would be out to say hello to the girl friend and just chat with her briefly before she hangs out with my kids. Im not worried about her, I dont think JF would have someone who is bad, for lack of a better term, around the kids but I want to talk with her and get a feel for vibe. This conversation is uncomfortable for me and my heart just feels heavy. I love him and hate him all at the same time. But I mostly love him and I kind of want to hear about his life in some way. I dont want to live with him, or be with him, or share space with him but I just want to be friends where I can call him and talk to him about things. This would be ideal. My ex-husband and now his fiancé are great friends and are part of my community and are two people I know I can count on. These are the people I want in my life. People I love and have mutual respect for each other. JF and I maybe are going to get there but it is baby steps right now. 

My mind has been reeling lately with just thoughts of men and sex. Every man I see I visualize what it might be like if he fucked me and if I would like it or I think about the ways I like to feel desperate and powerless in sex. I keep reliving that kiss from Monday that made me remember why I am so devoted to D. I am not sure what has caused this spike of sexual preoccupation. 

I also thought about how I am sure JF told his girlfriend that I am a whore. His words not mine. I just can imagine him using that as the reason the relationship ended, even though it was not. But its no problem I can hold my head up. Sex is nothing I am ashamed of but I can just hear his description of me to her. 

D is supposed to come down tomorrow. He sorta confirmed earlier but never got back to me with a firm yes I am coming. So I am sure he will wake me up at the crack of dawn to let me know he is coming or he will ignore me for the whole fucking weekend. 

These men got me all in my feelings. Im overthinking everything. 

Orgasm, Orgasm, Where are you?

 I woke up early today about 6am and called D because I still did not know if he was coming down today or not. He did not answer, I said Fuck Him to myself and went back to sleep. He called about an hour later and said he would be there at 830a. I was surprised but happy. I was just picking up and doing house hold chores when he walked in and I was walking down the steps and saw him walk in and I could see he was not happy. He came in and said good morning to the kids and was looking for me. I came down stairs and he met me in the entrance and let me know he just saw my text, and that I was lucky he did not see it before he left this morning or he would not have come. I shrugged my shoulders in defiance and said "that is how I felt". He reminds me that today is not the day to fuck with him with deep sincerity. I can tell he is a little bit beaten down and tired but he looks good. He looks rested and like he gained a few pounds. I later noticed that weight was muscles in his arms. He looked really good. 

I wanted to talk, like always, I want to beat the dead horse into the ground on any topic about my feelings and him and like all the men I have been in a relationship with have had enough of talking about my feelings. Just tonight my son, who is 11, says to me "why do we always have to talk about how you feel"? He made me laugh, I try to get him to talk about how he feels because I am trying to not raise another emotionally stunted male. D said to me "Your problem is you think you can talk to me like you talk to JF" and I said "Your problem is you are emotionally stunted and terrible at communication". He went to grab me by the back of the neck and I thought he was pulling me in to slap me and I shudder and pull back. He demands for me to "come here"I sheepishly say "No you are going to hurt me". He says come here again very sternly. I timidly move toward him and he pulls me towards him and kisses me. This was another one of the movie scene kisses that I did not think ever really happened but it was hot. We kissed for a few minutes as I half laid on him and he grabbed me and half me close. We were off to an amazing start. 

I suck his dick and not to pat myself on the back but I have been doing really good in that department with him. He has been verbal about what he wants specifically and I jump at the opportunity to give him what he wants. I suck his balls and make love to his dick, I suck it hard and slow and finally he just pushes me where he wants me and does not say much. I am on my knees, ass up, head down and I feel his dick push inside of me and my body stretch to accommodate. This is the best moment of sex for me and when it is really good the tears will fall from my eyes as they did today. It is a combination of being so good and your body stretching. It is amazing. It was at this moment I thought to myself this is why I am his slave. Nobody and not toy have every made me feel as good as this man. I was feeling more connected but I defiantly not where I was with it. Sex for the first 3 hours was really great. It was intense and I love it when he cums and we both dismount and just laying trying to catch our breath. I lay on his chest with one arm across him and smell him and soak him in until we are ready to fuck again. This time as I am on his chest playing with his dick, he asks me to suck his nipple. So this is new, he has never asked me to do this for him and I do not offer. But I seamlessly do this for him without a second thought. And I like it. I like that it is giving him pleasure I like that I can feel his dick getting harder and that he is telling me I am a "good girl". When he has had enough he tells me he wants me to suck his balls and then his dick and I do it with love and I enjoy it. I lack back on the bed and he positions his balls right about my face and I suck his balls and then his dick. He is fucking my face and sliding that dick down my throat with each move. This position is great and I am not gagging and it is really great. I feel him getting closer to bumming and I want this cum in my throat. I just thought how hot would it be for him to cum down my throat. I had to stop though. I have to keep my thoughts from going wild in that position. I can not breath when it is in my throat and I have to make sure I breath when it slides up but I got freaked out and was feeling like I could not breathe so I ended that, but I want to try that again soon. 

We take a lunch break. We eat Chinese we head right back upstairs. He does fix a curtain rod situation I had and then we are back in bed. This time the sex was a little bit shall we say...a struggle. He struggled to get hard and stay hard. In my head I am just like just call it. We can just lay here, try again in an hour, and just enjoy touching each other. He persists. I won't say it was horrible but it started to feel like he was just using my pussy to get his dick hard, like I was an accessory. I did not love it and I just started to lay there very still so I would not mess up his flow and I thought about things I have to do at work tomorrow. There were some good moments in the second 3 hours but nothing close to the first three hours. I just wish he would have stopped trying to fuck me. And he was getting so close to orgasm but still was not fully hard. I dont know what was happening. It was weird. But take it from me, if you are a man in this position and the dick is not standing then fucking move on to another activity. Come back to it later. No women wants to witness you fight the battle of the wills with your dick while she is spread on bed hoping for a rock hard cock. Just finger her or better yet fist her and move on. 

D was getting dressed for a break and I took by the hand and asked him for some help. I just needed some finger fucking or oral  or both really. But he was like "I got you when we come back up". He was dressing before he left and I took him by his hand again and he said "No you have had enough". It is never enough. I have not had enough and I did not have that coveted orgasm I was looking for. It never came. In fact only one small orgasm came. He knew I was not orgasming because he said it. He did everything that usually works for me. He did really try to make me cum but I could not get there and I was in a freaky headspace but nothing. I think that because I am mad at him or maybe less connected with him that is a problem and the fact I have had so few orgasms in the last month in a half that I feel like they are hard to achieve. Usually for me once I get the first one the rest just flow. I usually orgasm like 8 to 10 times at least when I am with D for the day. The sheets are not even wet. 

I hug him a few times. I hug him like I wish I could climb inside him. I want to be so close to him. He hugs me but not like I hug him. He is on his way. I feel peace about our relationship at this time. It feels good. I hope it lasts a week.

Angst All Day

 I just took a gummy to try to calm my nerves. Father's Day like literally every other holiday makes me physically and emotionally stressed beyond my control. I can not call my Dad. I just cant just like on Mothers Day I could not call my Mom. Something about special days makes me seize up with anxiety and feel all kinds of things. None of the pleasant. It is more like this tornado of feelings and I just can not articulate what the problem is, I just feel it, in my chest, and in my breathing and in my stomach. It is not going away and it ticking its way to the top like a roller coaster almost to the free fall. I hope the gummy kicks in fast. 

Yesterday, JF picked the kids up. He said he had to go to NY and so he was going to take the kids to breakfast and then head that way. He was only going to have them for an hour or two. He pulled up and there was a girl in the car. I did not have a lot of time to process as I essentially pushed the kids out the door and shut the door behind them. It was a split second glance at the girl. But I felt immediately sick, like instantly felt hot and like vomit was going to fly out of my mouth. I did not know what to do with this knowledge and should I be upset and who was with my kids and all the things. I took a few minutes to text my friend about all the things running through my mind. The sickness was fleeting but good lord the grief of our relationship ending was so intense. I so love JF still. I really love him and I am really so grateful for all the things we had together, but I do not want to be in a relationship with him. I do not want to share a house, a kitchen, a life with that man anymore. But someone this girl in the car made me feel like she had something I wanted. I dont want him. I would want all his good points because those are the things that made me fall so in love with him. The patience, the kindness, the commitment to hard work (even if it got him no where), his spirituality, his love for people, his ability to talk about anything in an intelligent manner and he would open your mind on so many things. But good lord JF could fucking take my laid back personality and push it to the ends of my ability to cope. He was never as interested in sex as I was. He was ok at sex but never would give me the rough fucking / pounding dick I wanted. He was a loner even in the house with me. He was so comfortable alone it became clear it did not matter to him one way or another if I was there or not. He made bad decisions, he lied to me a few times, he always had one foot in Africa, he did not know or care that if he did not connect with me I would leave him. And I did. I left him. I ended it so what was I so upset about this girl in the car for? I thought about it and thought I do trust him not to hurt the kids and he is only going to breakfast with them, how bad can it be? I did start to feel some happiness because I do want him to be happy and I happily waved to them when they returned. My daughter says to me "Is [JF] your boyfriend"? And I say No that D is my boyfriend and she says " Oh ok, then Papa has a girlfriend". I show mild interest and say oh yeah, that's good. Is she nice? What is her name? They say she is nice but dont remember her name. And that is that. She is white and she is built like me. I imagine she is educated because he could not be with someone who is not and I imagine she is kind because he would not be with someone who it not. I wonder how this will change his dynamic with me and then I thought for a second, maybe I can just talk with her and I dont have to deal with him anymore. That would be nice. The feelings are still there today but they are dwindling. They give way to more pressing things in my life, like my own obsession with D and my irrational anxiety tied to fathers Day. 

I compare D and JF in my head when feelings for JF come up. D and JF are about the same amount of successful, sadly. Neither one of them is killing it in the income department. JF is the hardest working person I have ever come across. He pushes through all kinds of pain (from is leg deformity) and never says he cant do something, even when he should. D lives to relax. He loves to just be and enjoy life. He takes pleasure in very basic things. D will never think about fashion or clothes. He just wears them not to be naked. JF is very much in touch with his style and the clothes and shoes he wears. He buy luxury items whenever possible. D views sex as the end all be all past time and should be engaged in whenever time allows. JF preserves his energy and does not want to have sex too often because he believes that it drains his spiritual energy. He likes sex but does not live for it and is ok not to have for very long stretches at a time. JF always tried to take care of me and look out for me and D does in his own way too. They are so different in their approach but both fall flat. JF could not keep our connection alive and give me what I needed (which was so little) and D continues to disappoint me regularly. 

Last week D was so sweet and attending. Asking me how I was feeling and all the things, reeling me right back into feeling connected with him. Friday we spoke, we planned for Monday and then he has not called me in two days. I called him yesterday because I really wanted to talk to him about all my feelings I was having but he did not answer and did not call me back. I did not think twice about it and went about my day. Then today he did not call me and then I get that sick feeling in my stomach. I call him I text him, no response. I send a very angry text that said " Listen dont do this shit again where you dont answer the god damm phone and you cant call me back. I have had ENOUGH of begging you to communicate with me. I have called you 2x yesterday with no response. I text you that I wanted to talk to you and now I dont know what the plan is for tomorrow. AGAIN you left me hanging. 

These words will anger him. I don't think they will make him call me, but it is on the tip of my tongue to be like I need sex and if you cant come down here today I am going somewhere else to get it.