I have been a little MIA. A couple people reached out to me to let me know that they were not seeing my blog activity. I love that people still read even though my content is so different from where I started. At least some parts are different, I still talk about D in every post.
And today is no different. D came over today. The last few times he came over I was not really feeling it before he got there. I was secretly hoping he would not show up and today was no different. I would have been excited for him to cancel but nonetheless he called me and let me know he was leaving and his eta. This time like all the others I would be so glad he did come by, but I have been struggling with the desire for sex to go through the motions of getting it. I dont ask him to come down and I do not see the neighbor. This lack of sex drive has been amazing in helping say No to the neighbor. His sex is good but I did not want to have sex with anyone but D. And I was feeling too obligated to have sex with the neighbor just to make him happy and please him. That is crazy. And so I have left it alone but if I am being 100% I do think about fucking him every time I drive past his house. And I dont even think about like I want him but I know he wants me and I want to make him happy or at least mitigate his sexual frustration. I hate this part of me. It is so innate and so ridiculous. It is the foundation of all my submissive behavior and I have very little control over it. I am trying so hard to do what I want to do and what is in my heart which is to have sex with only D, but even though I want this and it is important to me it is not easy. I think that is part of the reason I have not let myself delve into fantasy or thinking about sex. As soon as I have a little bit of desire I lose my ability to no or even the ability to not throw myself at men.
There are meds too. I upped my anti-depressant and turns out that does have an impact on my sex drive I think. But like I said this seems to work for me right now so I am not changing anything. I can still have tons of orgasms in the moment I am just not craving the moment.
So this brings me to D. I was laying on the couch with my daughter when he walks in the door. He comes over to say hello to the kids and talk with them for a few minutes. We head upstairs. He undresses and I suck his dick as I always do. He pulls me up to his face and kisses me so softly and seductively and then I go back to making love to his cock. You all know I do have kissing but this worked for me. He also said something about me being "so fucking sexy" and I was ready to do everything I could to make him happy. I was gagging on his dick. He loves that. It was such a wet blow job and seemed to last forever. When he finally wants to fuck me he does it so slowly and softly and I just come over and over again. We fuck for a long time in this missionary position, maybe like 40-50 minutes. It was a long time but he was making me feel so good. It was exactly what I needed. He was sucking on my tits. This has become like my favorite thing lately. I like to watch him do it. And he will suck my nipples but will he always leave a mark for me to remember the moment by. I think to myself I wish every Sunday afternoon could be this wonderful. He comes and we both lay there panting as our bodies recover. I can get over the feeling of his flesh against mine. I think I am really missing just regular touch from a man.
It is not long before he slides me down and enters me from behind and then wants me on my knees. I can get over how my body is ready for him and I am craving to be stretched out by him. It is a weird feeling to want your body to be stretched but I wanted it. I wanted to play with toys and I wanted to be tied up. I did not share this with as my kids were downstairs and it was just not the right day to break out the toys. But I was delighted that I was having these feelings. I was so unstressed and free and able to let my body speak to me about what I wanted. His approach today with me was softer and I loved it. Sometimes I feel like I dont give him enough credit for reading my body cues but he does it beautifully.
He did not stay too long today and we went down stairs and talked with the kids for a little bit. He was talking to my daughter and he always picks her up and hugs her and he said "I love you" to her and I was taken back. Does he love my kids? Like in the 50Cent song where he talks about loving "her kids". I cant remember the song but it always stuck out to me. And why did him telling my daughter that he loves her make me feel so loved?
After he left the kids were begging to go to PF Changs and I took the time with them to remind that D will be moving in at some point in the near future. My daughter who is 6 was thrilled to death, my son said "he is too clingy" and did not want him to move in. I like the way D talks with he kids. I always thought to myself that I never wanted to raise kids with D and some of his ideas are ridiculous but he does have this really lovely side of him that exudes love.
My daughter said to me at dinner "I was listening to you and D talking in your room and I heard what you said" I asked her "What did I say", he response was " I am not telling you". Ugh my kids dont know anything about adults having adult time alone. I cant wait until she finally does tell me what it is she heard.
