Here we go again

 So I have be talking about how much D has been making me feel so good lately. He really has made me happy, until today. I was waiting for the preverbal  shoe to drop and it has. The best part it I feel like he is totally gaslighting me and I am growing tired of it. To be clear - I will not break up with D, although he might with me. 

So we have been on the phone for like the last five days for hours a day. Just chatting about nothing and talking about our relationship and all the things. He said today (and I am taking this out of context so try to remember that) "when I move there and I wake up at 430am and want to have sex, if you won't wake up - that's fine but I will go find it somewhere else". I laughed a little because the statement was crazy. And he was like "Im not begging you for sex" And Im like of course you are not but I am a human being and I need sex and while I am totally on board for some middle of the night or early morning sex, if I am exhausted and cant wake up well then I dont think that should mean you should threatening me that you are going to see someone else. (Umm.. your tramua response is showing). He talks a lot about he does not want to beg for it and I know how that feels because ALL my adult life I been begging the men I have been with to fuck me so I get how he feels and I know how triggering it can be. But what the actual fuck are you saying, if I am too tired to fuck you are going to cheat on me. It is so crazy I can not even give any of my time during this conversation. But evidently I said something to piss him off. 

We were talking about how I fucked another guy while he was not able to come down and see me. And I said "Wait a minute that is not what happened"  I told him I fucked another guy because he was ghosting me and I was not going to just sit down here and hope you call me and hope you are alive and waste time in my life because he did not think enough of me to call me and tell me what is going on. 

I told him he never called and told me he wanted to see me but he could not. He did not call and check in with me. He ghosted me as he has done every time things are not going well in his life and there comes a point in your life that you can not just wait around for someone to try and do better. So I started forming my team. It is my trauma response, when I feel unloved I surround my self with dick and let it make me feel better and it fucking does make me feel better. It helps me forget but it also does make me appreciate the closeness I have with D and part of the reason that I just can not let him go.  But Dick is like the panacea that I need when I have this angst sitting in my chest. And tonight as I sit here I contemplate calling the neighbor. SMH I dont want the neighbor but having control of my pleasure will make me feel better and make me feel like I am standing up to D - even if he never knows about. 

This conversation that we had made me tear op a little. I am on so many anti depressants I am surprised I could get upset at all. And I do want to have a good cry about it but my meds won't let me access those emotions, but I want to cry. 

I keep telling D it is 2 steps forward with him and 1 step back constantly. I am waiting for him to call me back. We had to end the call because I had to pick up the kids from school. I dont think he will call me back. I dont know what I can even say to him anymore. He keeps talking about a fucking threesome and how I acted like if it was not good for me I was not doing it. I dont want to play with a women. I just have no desire to touch a women. The times have been with women it has been them pleasing me. I told him I dont want to do it but I would. There is nothing I would not do for him... so what's his problem? He says if he talks about me having another dick then I am all for that. Well if he is going to throw another dick at me I won't turn it away. But shit why would I. My thoughts on sex that it is such a disassociated things that having sex with someone is like shaking hands and for me does not mean to much. Sex with D is diff   and sex with JF was not like that but for 90% of the people I have had sex with it is just a physical thing with very little after thought. 

Ugh I am feeling stressed even writing about this. And I know everyone is going to be like "D is fucking crazy". And he is. I absolutely see where he struggles in relationships. 

Im just ranting now but good god I wish I could cry and be over it. 

To be continued.....

Response to Comment

This comment need a response. 

"Please DON'T get offended but...

Blowjob and fucking...that's the extent of what you offer the guys?

Is that all they want/need from you or is there more that you're just deciding to not give them?

Do they want you to dress up? Heels? Toes done? Do they want to take you to a porn theater? Do they want to piss on you? Are you sure you understand what their kink is and are you willing to provide it to them?

If so, then they'll likely come back again and again and again. If not...guys will eventually get bored, if the "script" is always the same"

I am not offended at all. The extent of what I offer guys is the extent of how connected I feel to them. I have had a few Masters and they get what they want when they get me to a head space of wanting to please them. 

A guy I am just fucking because I need some dick is not getting much from me. He is getting a blow job and fucking. I have been looking for just dicks for the last ten years and not so much fetish fun. I am not dressing up (because I hate it), I am too basic I dont do my nails and I dont do heels. So those are hard passes. But my Masters have taken me to porn theaters, D has pissed on me (there was awhile we were doing that often). If it is my Master (like the way D is my Master) I work on doing all the things that make them happy. 

D and I have  always had my kinks and his in mind and we work towards making them happen. It is the dicks that are just about giving me dick that I do not go out of my way for. 

There is that one guy who wanted to fuck me blindfolded. He lives in my town, so everywhere I go he might be there recognizing me and me having no idea who he is. Hot. 

Women get tired of men in the same way.

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Negotiations

 D was back down again yesterday. The vibe between us is really good. I love that we still WANT each other. We sacrifice and rearrange schedules to make room for us. And when he leaves I miss him. Missing him is new to me. I have not really missed him like this. There might have been a few pangs of missing him in the past but not like I miss him now. I am dying for him to sleeping my bed with me I am counting the minutes until I can share my closet with him. 

On that front, he is waiting to hear back from a job. A very good job but I am not optimistic, for no other reason then is would be too perfect and my life is never that easy!

But to the recap...So it is a long story but there was a plumber at my house and D was here and we were talking to the plumber and I was negotiating with the guy because I was not paying what he initially said. Again I don't usually negotiate like this but there were some issues with the service and I was feeling entitled to a steep discount. D so seamlessly joined me in this conversation and I let him lead. And shit did it feel good. It just felt good to let someone else do this and I enjoyed that he was standing with me. It is hard to articulate but we were together and I loved it.  My house (as seems to be every time D comes down) was a mess. I had just been without water in the house for about 36 hours and I had not had a shower in a little over 48 hours and I was just not feeling my best. 

I got in the shower while D undressed and waited for me. And we had sex as we always do, there was nothing to note on this day other than we talked a lot more that we have. I snuggled myself next to him and  laid my head on his arm. He falls asleep effortlessly and I watch tik tok. These moments where are bodys are touching each other in such a non sexual way always amuse me. It feels reassuring to me. I feel so at peace. 

There was a point in the day, after a  like fucking 6 times, I was not in the mood and he kept fucking me and changing positions. I think he could not come. But in my head I am having this whole dialogue about how much I hate this right now. And I wish he would have just taken a break and came back to it later. It was like over stimulation for me with all the positions. All though we did try a new position where he backed up all the way to the headboard and used that to push the dick in further. I am not quite sure how he did it but it was very pleasurable. 

I just dont know how else we fit into activities together. Like we eat together, we talk, we watch tv, we have been shopping together a few times, we have ran errands and such but what does regular life where we are not fucking for 8 hours straight look like? 

He was very open this day and offered this piece of insight. "My biggest fear about moving in here is that you won't want sex anymore", " you'll  give me the lets do it in the morning shit". This worries me sometimes because there are some nights that I pass out at 9pm before my children. That is a weekly occurrence and there are other times I feel so overwhelmed that I literally lay in my bed with a blanket over my head watching Tik Tok and Reels. Those nights I wonder where sex will fall? D does not demand much, the times where I have been too tired or he has woken me up with a hard dick he is not insisting I suck his dick. So seriously how hard can it be just to have sex if maybe I dont really want it. And all the times Have not really wanted it at all, two strokes in and I am all set and fully engaged. I have never not gotten into it once it started. This does not worry me so much. I do think the no sex when I have my period will bother me when he is laying right next to me. I think that will be hard for me. I also think I can convert him once I get him here, lol. This might be too much information for you all but frankly I am worried about sharing a bed with him while I have my period because  waking up to what looks like a murder science in your bed is far too common when you have your period. But I have literally done worse and we did not seem to phased. 

Him and I had a conversation and I will spare the gritting details but he said he felt like I was trying to hustle him and he did not love that. We really both experienced a conversation completely different. Our good bye was a little bit marred by that. And I thought about for about an hour and then I needed to call him back. I told him I did not like how our conversation ended and I wanted to know if we could talk about it. 

Now this is what always sucks me in with D. This time he replied in the most sincere loving way and gave me all the emotional support I needed. I felt better, I felt more connected. It was flawless. These moments are the ones that keep me around when he is acting like a D-Bag. 

There was a moment D asked for my phone today, to see if I had gotten the email from the plumber. I handed it over with out thinking about it all. And as I watch him going through my email I thought "Yikes this could go south fast"! He was not looking for anything just the plumbers invoice so he did not even notice some questionable things I had in my email. I might need to think about that. When D and I were first together he would go through my phone. I loved it. But he did catch me doing some shit. 

We want to hang out tomorrow but seriously who has the money to drive down here and back for a second time this week. I will have my period soon. I can feel the hormonal rage in my voice. My kids heard it today when they were acting up. I also thought gosh I would not want D to see me act like this, then I got my shit together. 

Anyway, I feel like we are getting closer to him really moving in. He makes me wait for everything I want. 

Kink Returns

 My muse, D, came to visit me today. He was here at 8am, before my kids and I had even left for school drop off. We said hello, he went inside and I went to take the kids to school. When I returned I know what I would be in for. And he did not disappoint. I had a dr. appointment that I was going to go to so, I got up and got dressed and left him in my bed. I call him on the way home to discuss lunch plans and I pick up a pizza on the way back. He is naked in my bed and we lay in bed and eat pizza and relax and talk. And before long my mouth was on his dick. 

I was able to deep throat it today. I dont know why. I was really into it, I was getting off from sucking his dick and I heard my self moaning. He loved it and it amped up the play just a little bit. We were fucking and I was talking! I was talking to him unprompted about his big black cock stretching out my pussy, responding to his questions with "yes Master" and getting into some subspace that I have not accessed in a while. He started sucking on my nipples and it hurt and felt good and I pushed myself to tolerate it and let the pain wash over me and then I just kept coming. He sucked them a lot and very hard and at times he would lesson the suck and I would encourage him to suck harder. Several hours later my nipples are so sensitive and the material of my shirt is making me wince when it rubs on them. But it still brings a smile to my face. 

We got into some spanking next. I did ask him to spank me but I said "a little", he did not hear that part. The first few times were good and gave me a good shot of sting but in a pleasurable way. Then I turn around to see him lick his hand and spank my ass hard and it made me cry. And he did it again and I tried to do it again and I pushed him out of the way with my legs and held my ass and cried and he just picked me up and moved me where he wanted me and spanks me some more. I was crying like a baby and as I was crying I was still aware that I liked it. He released me and I turned my back to him as to say fuck you for hurting me. He drags me back to his dick and starts to fuck me while we are on our sides. 

He eventually stopped and got up and sucked my pussy a bit and starting fingering me. Two, then, three and I felt four and I knew what he was going for. He spits on my pussy for more lubricant and slides is hand into my pussy while is like licking and sucking my clit. We have not done this in a while. I would say it has been dam near 3 years. I remember the exact place I was when he did it. He did this for awhile. There is something amazing about when reach down to touch your pussy and feel his hand is in your body up to his wrist. You feel so vulnerable and at this mans mercy. I have missed this feeling of being so subservient and also feeling so full and also feeling nasty. 

We lay in bed some more and talk. He tells me about this fantasy he has which is one he has told me many times. He thinks it is so funny and would love to do because it is about humiliating me. He wants to put in and collar and on a leash and walk me around the room and act like a dog.  Then he would fuck me from behind. We laugh about it because it is funny, but he is serious on some level about doing this. I was telling my friend about this and she said "I can see you doing this for D - you would never do that shit for anyone else but I can see you doing it for him"

He was in a fiesty mood today. I went to hug him before I left to pick up the kids and he hugged me and then slammed me on the bed and rubbed his dick on in my face - just for fun. lol This was so funny to me because while we were sitting naked eating pizza all I could think about is rubbing my wet pushing all ofer his face. It is like we had the same idea. I did not act on my thought but I kinda wish I did.

I went to pick up the kids and he left. He said he might be able to come down on the weekend. So we will see.