The details of the day

 So D did come down today. He arrived about 840a. I was expecting some kind of interaction to happen with us before we had sex but it dont happen. We did what we always do. I did not make eye contact with him but worse yet I did not even have the good make up sex feeling. We were not having make up sex. The first time was just sex but non of the feelings I was hoping to get. If he was going to make me go through a week of hell the least I could get is make up sex. But the sparks were not there. We fucked twice and then I tried to talk to him about how I was not feeling connected to him. He taunted me a little and that seemed to ramp me up a lot! Now I knew I might get my period today and I knew if I did I was not telling him. But I do get this INTENSE hormone surge right before I get my period. It is intense. To summarize this would be the time that if I am every going to do something that I might regret pertaining to sex then it would be during this window of time.  So the heat was creeping up. He went down on me and he came up and I needed to kiss him. We were kissing like one of those passionate sex scenes in the movies until he got his cock in me. And then it was porn style fucking. We fucking a few more times and then we went down stairs, I can remember why but I was laying on the couch and he was sitting across from me. Oddly enough he was talking about "when" he moves in and in my head I am thinking "bitch if I let you move in". But I was so fucking horny. I asked if he could rub his dick "right here" and I felt my pussy. And he walks over and gets his cock out. My head is leaning back as I reach for the dick to suck it. It is all very hot and before long I am bent over on the couch taking it from behind. He fucks me for awhile and then takes me up stairs. He stands behind me while I kneel on the bed and he fucks me so hard from behind. Just pounding my pussy and I tell him to fuck me harder. And I get into this weird place where now I am talking to him. Calling him Daddy, telling him I want him to come in my mouth. "Please Daddy can you cum in my mouth". He loved that shit. And for the girl who refuses to talk during sex I said a lot. 

We finish and I tell him I need a little bit more pain and I need him to slap my tits. He does not disappoint. I asked for ass slapping and I ask him if he can fist me but he was not thrilled about that knowing I am suppose to get my period soon. So we got out this giant black dildo I have and he fucked me with it. He fucked me good and we fucked again and then he got up to get cleaned up and said "party's over". I try to lure him back and say "you dont wan to come again"? He was not happy the way his dick was behaving today and said this new blood pressure meds and frankly I thought to it was funny. I did not really notice too much of a difference. I mean by the 5th fuck maybe I noticed it was less hard and if I am being honest I only noticed that because it was not hurting me. And maybe I had to suck dick longer but it was not what I call a problem. But he noticed and it bothered him and I felt like the universe gave me a gift. Because this man has ran his mouth so much about how if I could not fuck him well he would find someone else to that today I asked him as he cleaned his dick off "do you mind if I get my vibrator out"? I felt like a bitch how it came out and he shrugged his shoulders but like the best fuck of my life he came over to me and climbed in the bed and pushed my vibrator on my clit harder and said "This is where you want it" and then he had me spread my legs for him by placing them on his shoulders while he fucked me with that giant dildo again. It was not long before I was cumming over and over again. 

But this is where it turns. He started to hurt me with the dildo and I said stop, that's enough, Im done and he just always takes it a step too far. And also like a bold bitch I say "Now you wonder why I never want to to get this out and play - you take it to damm far". He slaps me on my leg for scolding him that way. And we tussle a bit and he slaps my leg again. But again too far. It hurt too much to be good. Overall there were some ups and down. I feel glad I got period when he left because I need a rest. Mentally and physically. 

What I am Worth

So todays conversation with D did not go anywhere. He did tell me he is not sure about moving in with me now because of the "signs I am showing". My energy has diminished and I can not say anything to that but ok. He was not really talking so I told him I would maybe call him tomorrow. But I am not going to call him.  

I have to be enough. At some point it has to be enough. I have loved this man unconditionally for 20 years, I have had his child, I have built his self esteem, I have given him everything that I have, I have respected him even when I dont think he deserved it and I have forgiven him more than I can count. I did all of that out of love. I gave everything that I had and if for some reason that is not enough for him then it is not enough for him and there is nothing that I can do. I will give him space and we will see where things land. If I am honest I think he is going to text me and ask me for the money again and if I give it to him he will be fine and if I do not he will continue to be an asshole. This is just a hunch but we will see. 

I dont know what to do with myself and trying to keep my mind off of D. Today the neighbor came over. I was very nervous. More nervous than I have been in a while. Part of me liked the nervousness because it made me feel like I was alive but mostly I felt like a piece of shit for not staying monogamous. I put A LOT of effort into it and it so easily gets lost. And I dont feel guilt about the sex. Sex is just sex and never something I think is wrong but it is the part that I  know I am going to lie to him about it before I even did it. I dont like lying to people but it must be done. If D and I do not fix things then no worries but if we were to move on he would never let me forget that I fucked someone else when we were having a falling out. He still brings up shit I did 18 years ago so there is no way he is forgiving me with out throwing in my face every chance he gets. 

I do see how D is broken and lost and a prisoner of his own feelings that he never expresses. I suspect him being raised by only a man has made it nearly impossible for him to express feelings. On D's best day he keeps how he feels very close and will only give me snippets of what he feels. And I would like to pat myself on the back and say that I have met him where he is at in life. I have given him grace even when I felt like he deserved nothing but revenge. I have metaphorically fallen to his feet and given myself to him for 20 years. I cant make that man want me.

And these events with D always feel like these really harsh learning sessions for me. I see my own pathologies and my own short comings shining strong as evaluate the situation. For example why do I immediately want to have sex with someone else? Why does that make me feel better? Or do I think it will make me feel better? Why am I so nonchalant about lying to this mans face? I have convinced myself that it is not wrong and what kind of pathological person does that make me? 

Back to the neighbor - my head was in a bad place when he got there. I felt bad. And I can quite discern what I was feeling but I know it was not good. I sucked his dick a little and he wore a condom and fucked me from behind for a few minutes. This part I liked a lot, I dont have to see him and I can bounce on the dick as hard as I want. He does not always fuck me hard enough. Then I moved to my back and side and then from that back again. I did not cum. I almost always cum. I could not cum. He keep moving me around too much and did not go long enough to let me get there. But also my head was fucked up. He took the condom off and I sucked him until he came and he was off. He did not come in my mouth...well a little bit. I did not hate it. After he left I wanted to make myself cum. I struggled. I did manage to do it but only one time. I am usually someone who will cum like 4-5 times at least when I masturbate but I was getting no where with it today. I think emotions are just running a little to hot today. 

I wanted to go see this other guy who I called the local guy in the past. He is local and it is fast and good and fun. But I was feeling to nervous and I just thought the orgasm will not be as good with someone else. Maybe I just need to find a new hobby other than fucking. Or I should let myself heal a little bit. This has been days upon days of dumb shit. I am so weary with it. 

Tonight I rage cleaned the house. I have not broken a sweat cleaning the house in a while but tonight I did. And as I was scrubbing the stove I could not help but think of D and all his comments about my house and how he will piss me off and then bring me full circle and build me back up again. I need a rest from the crazy train. I really do. If I had some money I would take myself a trip and try to trick my mind in to thinking there was nothing I needed to worry about. 

I even started with downloading a dating app. I dont want to be alone forever. I dont think I do. I dont know. Maybe I do. I just like to see what's out there. It give me hope that maybe there is another man with an island accent and a large dick that can fuck me like it is his job and treat me like what I am worth.

Crazy Train Continues

 I woke up to a call from D today. We just sat in silence for a few minutes. He said he did not go anywhere this weekend and asked me what I did Sunday and I told him I went to my moms. They we set in silence for about 6 minutes until he said "ok go ahead and get ready. we'll talk later. 

This call settles me. It did not fix anything but it let me know that connection was still there.  He calls me again later and we start to argue a little bit. About my saying that I was "looking out for my own needs". This evidently hit a nerve for him. He thought I was talking about in sex but I was talking about life in genral. And we start to walk through this conversation and how my words may not have conveyed my intentions but he also should have asked me about what I mean.  He acts like that is  something he won't do. 

Next I say that when I talk to him I am relaxed and chatting and I am not worried about how your perceive things because you know me so well you would know my true intention behind what I said or you would just  what do you mean by that? I used my best friend as an example. I said I can talk easy with her for hours and never remember everything I am saying. He then gets PISSED and says "You had to bring up that bitch. I know you are fucking her and anyone else you can. 

So clearly D is worried about me having sex with other people and he knows that I like sex and in the past I would have sex with just about everyone but now I dont have that desire to do that. And really if I can not see D for a couple weeks then I can go weeks waiting for him. I have and I will. But he does not trust me. IDK what to tell him. I have been so faithful and he knows how I feel about him. I am not sure why he doubts me. 

He says he is for sure going to ask his ex wife for the money and go fuck her for the money he needed and whatever. I kinda checked out here. This shit is not about me. He is acting like a child who does not get his way and is taunting me to get me to give him the money. I am not giving him money. 

Had I been like I got you covered he would have acted right and I would not be dealing with his shit since last week. 

He has taken all my peace from me this last few days. I am just going to let it be with him and see where he lands. Whatever temper tantrum he is going through he will need to work it out by himself. I am tapping out. I dont care who he fucks frankly. But he will not be coming back to me with out some STI tests. 

I did make plans for the neighbor to come see me tomorrow. I dont know how I feel about it. I made plans for today to but I did not go out. I felt bad and like I should not do it. So I tried to listen to what my heart wanted. I will see how I will wake up in the morning. Maybe I will be into or maybe I will cancel. Part of me wants to do it just because when he threatens me with fucking his ex it stings less to know I cheated on him. 

Taking Appointments

 D and I have hit a place where I feel like things will be made or things will be broke. As always we have always been in different places at different times. I feel all in and he pushes away and he is all in and I have one foot out of the boat. This time D is acting bizarre for the lack of a better term. Seriously I had to ask myself "is this man having a stroke or some other medical issue that is causing him to act like an asshole". But No, this is one of the things I know about D, he will be an asshole. As certain as the sun rises D will disappoint me and as certain as the sun sets I will always go back to him hoping for a better outcome. 

The emotions of a relationship struggling are so hard and I do not miss the deep conversations of working through issues and I especially dont enjoy talking with someone who present as emotionally stunted 60% of the time. I just hope to catch at a time he is reasonable and listening. And I also know if he was living with me we would not be beefing. This would have been squashed as soon as we had sex and we would have talked about things as we lay naked together in the after glow. 

I hate to get in the details because I feel like they....well... make him look really bad. But I also need my truth to be heard. If not by him but whoever falls onto this page. 

So Thursday, he called me at 3pm. He said "this dyke bitch at work wants me to come home with her and fuck her bitch, do you think that would be ok"? I of course say it would not be ok and "why would you ask me that, you know that is not going to be ok with me and more to the point you are just willing to fuck two strangers and what hope you dont get them pregnant. And for flair I added in that "you managed to get me pregnant 4x pulling out".  He is in this manic mood, and not manic in a good way. Then he begins making this my fault. Telling me that I dont want to have a threesome and he wants a threesome. I repeat to him, "I told you I would do a threesome but I am not interested in touching another women". He accuses me of lying that since I had been with women in the past that I like women and that is what he wants to see is me touching another women. He then says you say that but you have not made it happen. Then I say "I am supposed for facilitate that"? shocked because seriously I dont have enough to do? So because he has been talking about a threesome for 3 months I was suppose to find a women for us to fuck, but not a couple just a women. These women who dont come with men or Does or husbands are hard to find. I know. I see what's out there. He is just being belligerent on the phone and he sent me a pic of the girl and we end up on the phone for 4 hours talking about this. 

The next day. He calls me early in the morning. I am not saying much. Things are not great but he wants to talk nice to me I will let him. He is stressed and I can hear it in his voice. We are not connecting and he tells me his new "hangout is with this gay bitches". I am beyond pissed but I am also at work hosting an event and cannot get into with him. 

He said " I will still come fuck you but on my own time, not when you want me to, and you will fuck me not matter who else I fuck". You would think that this man just completely lost all mental faculties at this point. He is in some kind of pyschotic episode I guess. I have not other words for it. He calls me again and just sits on the phone to say nothing. I said I am going to go since you have nothing to say to me and we end it for the night. 

This morning I get a text (and we dont even text) that says "Yo this bitch is calling me to come-over (and now he is referring to his ex-wife, who said she would fix his motorcycle for him if he came over) Do you have some money for me". So I immediately reply... "did you just ask for money and threaten me to prostitute yourself out if I dont give to you". To which he gave me "Forget it, no problem" and that is the last we have talked today. 

I am some what speechless. This is a bit much even for D. Maybe we need a break. Maybe I need to re-evaluate how much of him I want in my life. I can not do this shit. He is a grown ass man and he is legit acting like a baby and yes the dick is good but is it that good? Could I live with getting it maybe every month or two and supplement in between and the answer is yes. 

This bitch is tired. Tired of waiting for him to man up. Tired of trying to convince him to just move already. Tired of taking days off work to see him. Tired of him being broke. Tired of it all. I dont need anyone in my life. It would be nice sometimes but you know what I can only take so much. 

I did get pissed around 7pm and I called him against my better judgement but he did not answer. He is probably fucking his ex wife and that's ok because this week I am going to be fucking everyone I can fit into my schedule. My mind is made up. Monogamy is fucking hard for me and that it is a gift. He treats it like it is his right but not mine. He just burning this shit down. 

And for real for real if he would have just said he wanted to fuck his ex again I might not really care so much. Like can she do all the anal because I dont want that. And she can do the threesome. I shared him with her before and frankly it does not bother me all that much. Approach is everything!

In other news I am feeling a little stunted emotionally. While I dont feel depressed like I did I find it hard to find passion in things like I did before. This blog for example. I feel like I used to write more passionately. I feel like I could bring the reader in but now it just all feels stunted. Even this fight with D, I find it hard to really find a whole lot of feeling like deep passion good or bad. I am kind of numb and on some days I like that numbness because it allows me to get on with life, I think I am missing out on emotions and I think those are good to have. Particularly when people act like an asshole I should have some emotion to at least let them know that I had a reaction to that. 

And I am not in a good place with my body. I need to exercise and stretch and just take care of my body more. I feel like peri-menopause is fucking with me. And I dont know what to do to fix it. 

So more to come on who I get to see first on my monogamy break. 

Open For Business

 I am feeling a little bit firery inside tonight. D and I have been beefing on the phone for 2 days now. I would give you the play for play but it simply dumb shit D does when he is miserable or when something is not going well in his life. I have noticed a few trends. Sometimes I am empathetic to this major weakness of his and I try to acknowledge that I am not perfect and we all have flaws. But tonight, tonight, friends...I am fucking down with the empathy. He crossed the line and has send thing to just piss me off. And one thing I can not tolerate is someone willingly making my life harder than it already is by adding in their dumb shit too often.  Dont come for a grown women who does not depend on you financially at you. Dont come at me wrong ever and if you do you better have the send that go gave you to know that you better start back peddling as soon as you realize your mistake. 

It is times like this that I feel like D and I are living to far apart lives. He lives in a different world then me. I dont and never have lived pay check to pay check. I respect my job and work hard and I keep drama to a minimum. In fact the ONLY drama that ever makes these pages with with D and some JF but mostly D. He is the my main man (meaning I have loved him the longest and the hardest) but he has got some work todo on himself. 

He brings my past gang bangs a lot. He brings up my being with two other women. That was 20 years ago, I dont want a women now. I did not even want the women then, I just like they touched me. I have never been gay just bi curious. He is like mad at me for things that happened years ago.  And good god if he really knew all that took place he might be really pissed. 

The problem is that all of our 20 year relationship, when D drops the ball and does see me, take care of my emotional needs and does not stay in contact with me, well there is no reason for me not to get my pussy fucked by as many men as I can. 

He called me back and we were on the phone for 20 minutes literally saying nothing. I say you got something to say? He said he had nothing to say to me. I said cool, I got to go then. boom Done. I got to go because I am going to start sending feelers to reassemble my dick team. D got another fucking thing coming to him if he think he is going to fuck with me like he has, made me cry, and all the other shit and think I am not gong to spread my legs for however I want. 

I know it is savage. It feel invigorating to start reaching out to people. I feel like a whore and maybe a sociopath . I know I am going to lie about it. I am going to lie about it so much I will start to believe it was not true andI did not do it. 

He got mind games and so do I!

I got so much pent up energy tonight and was hoping to see a quick friend. 

I am slightly to high for that tonight. I took a 1/3 for a gummy and it def was the sweet spot for the high I was looking for tonight. I am much more chill then I was a few hours ago 

So D is on the shit list For the foreseeable future and My pussy is up and running. 

Mind Dump

 So D came down on Thursday. I was talking myself into it right up until he got here, but I was trying to let my mind let go and I just wanted a good day of fucking. He mentioned he wanted anal and so I put the butt plug in early before he got there because that helps me a lot with being able to do it. I showered before he got here, my house was at a respectable level of clean. I have done all the things to ensure an good day. 

This time he arrived about 915.  I was laying in bed just waiting for him. And he comes in and gets undressed and I suck his dick. I am on my knees, leaning down to suck it while he plays with my pussy from the back and he says "dont move" and he jumps up and gets behind me and fucks me from behind (with my legs between his legs). This is one of my favorite positions. It just hits different when my legs are between his. I like the my body feels and how I am able to arch my back and push my pussy in the air for him to fuck. 

We fucked a few more times like this and all the positions. I was not getting numb like I sometimes do. He fucked my ass which was more successful then it has been in the past but certainly not the best. Sometimes I am too tense to let go. I came a lot. I was squirting all over the bed. He loves it. I cant control it. I squirt so much now I wonder if it would like that with someone else. Squirting is not ideal all the time. Its a great orgasm but that added about three loads of laundry. He knows exactly what to do to make me squirt. He pushes for it. As a women our orgasms are not and black and white as a man and sometimes I think that felt really good but was that really an orgasm. But with the squirting it is like proof my body is reacting in a positive way. 

Then we had a break. We were both hungry. And we ended up downstairs talking for awhile. We got lunch and talked some more. Our lunch breaks are usually like 35-40 minutes but this was like and hour and half and I fucking was all about it. When we finally went back upstairs I was ready for it. And his dick seemed bigger. I was sucking it and I just had to stop and admire it. I am so in love with that thing. He was fucking me from the side while was on my back and it seems we both thought we need the magic wand in that moment, because we both went to say something and I jumped up and grabbed it. Then I had the best orgasm I have had in a while. The full body shake I get from the magic wand coupled with the beast of dick plowing my pussy and I am squirting on controllably. It was magical. 

I had to go pick up the kids. He said he was going to stay til after I got back. So I went to get the kids and we came back. my youngest started getting really really defiant and having a temper tantrum. These are not super common with her, but in the last few months she has started to become a little more vocal when she is angry. Parenting in front of D felt like too much. It felt like he was watching my every move - because he was. He pointed out somethings that I agree with that I have been doing that maybe inadvertently sending a message to my kids that their bad behavior is acceptable. He ended up talking to my daughter. In these moments that I see him being so loving yet firm with her I am trying to wrap my head around how he does that. How does he convey that he requires respect and also is so fun and loving in the same way. We defiantly talk about it a lot. Sometimes I just want him to shut up about it, sometimes I appreciate the feedback and sometimes I just feel like he does not understand how difficult it is to raise kids on your own. He assures me does. (Hard Eye Roll). 

After we spent some time downstairs we went upstairs again for one more fuck. Missionary this time. I love his weight on my body. He finally leaves after I get all the hugs I need and he says goodbye to the kids. 

The next morning I wake up sore from head to tow. It was a FULL day of fucking and my body felt it. I dont feel particularly connected with him like I was. He called me tonight and we were talking about kids and other shit again. And he was not hearing me and I just did not feel connected. I felt like I was going through the motions of having this conversation with him but I could care less about it. I was hoping the call would cut out. 

Im ovulating this week and ovulation makes me mean. I am mean to everyone. And I hate it. 

I am also struggling with anxiety. Almost everyday of the week I am in a heighten state of anxiety for literally no reason. Today I took a long walk and it did seem to help it. But it is really been disabling for me. I find myself taking my sleeping meds early not because I am tired but because I dont want to feel the anxiety. 

I was thinking about JF today and I want to talk to him, just like have a real conversation about what happened between us. Part of me thinks it would help me and part of me thinks it would just cause more heartache. 

I have a lot on my mind these days. 

Today I thought about how I wanted to see the local guy again. Really I just wanted to sit around and talk and relax with him. And I did think about the neighbor and how his dick feels and how it is always super hard.