Again

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Sunday Funday

 D made it down today. I was so excited because I could not imagine going another week without sex. I was already feeling in heat. For a change he did not come over at the crack of dawn, which I appreciated. He did not get here until 12:30. I had time to run errands, eat something, shower leisurely and think about the day. It makes a difference. I was not tired and I was ready to lay in bed for as many hours as we could. 

The kids were here when he got here and we spent some time down stairs talking with them. D seemed lighter in spirit to me. He looked less stressed and I could tell he was in a good mood. We made our way upstairs and got right to it. I think it is funny we always choose the same side of the bed. Even when we have been at different places over the years he always goes to the left and I always go to the right. 

I was into the dick sucking today. I think I was less stressed too. My jaw was not tight and I was able to easily do all the things that I know he loves. Sometimes my jaw just feels tight and it makes it hard to do it for a long time with out being uncomfortable or even in pain. But today everything was easy. And he applied the perfect amount of touch to my pussy and clit while I was sucking dick. He actually stopped me and had me get on back so he could fuck me. His dick was hard and long as I have remembered it (not questionable like the last few times I saw him). The kids were here so our sex was in silence, or almost silent. It was fantastic and for some inexplicable reason after he came I wanted his dick in my mouth so bad. I jumped up and started sucking his dick as it was still pulsating in my mouth. It was amazing and he really loved it. It is different to suck a dick just for fun rather than trying to make it hard, but it went from pulsating to soft to hard in just a minute and we were fucking some more. From the back from the side him fuckimg me as hard as he can. We finished again and again I needed his dick in my mouth.

I took the kids to my parents house and came back to play. I was worried I would loose my desire but I did not. I want him to fist me and I asked him if he would piss on me. We have not done that in years and today for a few hours I wanted it so bad. Right now as I right this, I do not want it and frankly the idea of its is not appealing to me at all but good lord I wanted it so bad. I think he was surprised for the ask and he was not readily excited to do it. We never ended up doing it. But the rest of the sex was loud and wet. Now that I squirt so much with him he knows the exact way to make me squirt. I have no control over it and he loves that. He was fucking me and I started squirting like maybe every minute or two. As he fucked me it would spray all over us and bed. And then he pulled his dick out and started to beat my pussy with it. This is the tried and true way to make me squirt. This works everytime. So his heavy dicks pounds into my pussy and I squirt like a fountain over and over again. I probably did 10 or 12 times it was non-stop. We were soaked the bed was soaked. He was done fucking me for the day but I wanted to be fisted so I moved his hand into the place and he did not disappoint. I moved my body so he could get a better angle and he was doing really good at first but he got a little to aggressive. You know fisting is not something that can be too aggressive because you body will just shut it down. There is just no way it will happen. and this is what happened. Not that I did not enjoy most of it but he needed to ease up when  I told him to. He struggles with that. 

I did want anal today and he told me no he was not in the mood for anal. He is such a control freak, had I said I did not want anal he would have been all in that ass but today I want it and he was like no thank you. SMH. I also wanted my nipple clamps, butt plug and vibrator but he denied me and then he started make me cum over and over again. 

He got up to go and washed his heavy hanging dick while I watched and salivated and got dressed. I walked him out gave him a hug and ran back up to my room for my vibrator. It was not that he did not satisfy me it is that sometimes I need the different kind of orgasm. Orgasm from dick is amazing but different from orgasm from vibrator is something that I need from time to time too. I check out the window to make sure he left and I went to work. I think it too me about a minute and half to have 3 intense orgasms. It is so hard for me to stop once I get started but I had to go pick up the kids. 

I was covered in bodily fluids so I needed to shower and I went to pick up the kids and go back home to my domestic duties. But damm I feel so good. I am relaxed and renewed and not at all worried about D and my connection or lack there of. I dont even think we talked while we were upstairs today. I remember he was saying something but I was not listening and I interrupted him and said "do you just want me to suck your dick some more"? Of course he preferred that. 

So this week starts of in a good place. I feel like I deserve this win. 

The Follow Up

 The worry and anxiety peaked on Monday about D and his whereabouts. I emailed his brother because I felt like I had waited long enough to know if he was ok. His brother confirmed he was okay and D called me as well. He said he left his phone in his Sup. office and he could not get it back until Monday. So but why did he not call me from someone else phone? He said he would not do that because I would be calling people looking for him every time he is not available. I told him I have never done that and through the years there has defiantly be times he has called me from someone else number just to give me an update. This frustrated me beyond words. It makes me sad that he cant see just how distressing not know where he is at is to me. I still feel like I am recovering from the stress of it and it has been two days since I first talked to him. Tears easily come to my eyes when I think about it and now I feel like I need to reconnect with him again to feel ok. 

We just talked a bit ago. I told him I needed to talk to him and reconnect because I dont like that I have not seen him in two weeks and I have defiantly been spoiled seeing him every week in the past few months. We had a good conversation but he has been working a lot, which is good and necessary, and I am so glad that he is working full time for sure. But I miss him. I miss taking a day off and laying in a bed with him for hours. I miss him. We talked about seeing each other this weekend but he said he might be "on call" and if that happens he can not really leave home or at least cant be two hours from home. It is hard holding this place of  not living with him and not talking to him all the time and not seeing him like once a week. I tell myself I better man up because it will be like this for a little while and I have gone so long with little to no access to him and I survived but more importantly our feelings for each other survived. Maybe that is what I worry about a lot, if we are not seeing each other than will our passion fizzle out. 

And my body, my body just needs some physical touch. 

He reminded me that this is not forever but jesus it feels like my being stuck in a place where I cant get access to him my be my destiny. Why has it been such an uphill battle and would he describe it like that? I doubt it. I dont even think he would give it any thought but maybe. We have both struggled with our weaknesses and I know he has had to forgive / accept/ let go of my having sex with other people. (Even though I thought what I was doing was fine). 

I can not even come up with coherent thoughts right now about this topic. I just have a physical need to touch him in order to relax my spirit. 

I also have my period so that is part of the reason the tears are running so easily and needs are so high. 

absolute weakness

I think the last time I posted D and I were beefing and I find myself in another place of D stressing me out. 

We all know D is my person, he is a man I love more than I should and that I feel most comfortable submitting to him. He makes me happy so much of the time. And I know I talk about the physical a lot but it is not just the physical it is our connection. But the highs are high and lows are so fucking low. 

Of course his job down here called him in and they could not tell him where his permanent location was until last week. They said they anticipated and opening but it did not happen and that he could work in another location or he could wait until the opening in his desired shop came open. He chose to work wherever he could just to start working. It is up north. 100 miles from me to be exact. So he was really upset but this news and that it would mean more waiting. I knew he was upset and felt defeated and so I reigned in my own disappointment and did not share to much of it with him. I tend to call this 

Mary Poppins-ing. This is what I do whenever someone else goes low I try to pretend it is all good and I suck down every sad thought I had and focus on bringing them peace. I realize in my line of work I have had to do this a lot and is probably where I learned this skill from. You know when you are talking with a foster youth who is homeless and pregnant and in an abusive situation it does know good to let her know that shit is bad - real bad. You have to show people the positive things and help adjust their perspective on things. You have to instill some hope and sometimes that means your feelings are not important - like this thing with D. 

This was the first his first full week of work in years (since his medical incident years ago) and I knew with would be a big adjustment for him. I wanted him to come down to see me so bad on Saturday but I was not going to be upset if he said he just needed some rest. I really wanted to see him but I know what it feels like to tired and worn out and not want to go anywhere - let alone a two hour drive to see me. But when I asked him he said " I will be down Saturday"! I was ecstatic. We talked about 3pm on Friday to confirm he would be down and then I text him Friday night to tell him to call me when he is leaving so I know when he is on his way. 

Maybe you have already guess but D did not call me in the morning. He did not call me in the afternoon. He did not show up and he did not call. I called him a few times. His phone is ringing normally he just is never picking up. It is Sunday night and he has not called me or text me. 

 I have spent the last 48 hours going back an fourth on what I do with this intense angst I feel and the gnawing feeling that something bad has happened. And by bad these are the following scenarios I have thought of. 

1. He decided that he not longer loves me and does not want me and is moving on. 

2. He died in an accident on his way down here. 

3. He spent the weekend with his ex wife.

4. He had another serious medical issue and is laying in the hospital somewhere. 

5. He is upset about life and work and does not want to talk and is so consumed in his own stress that he can not prioritize my needs at all. And by my needs, I simple mean the need to know if he is dead or alive. 

I suspect is is number 5 as it has been the other times he has pulled this shit. It really baffles me. It has been a solid 20 years he has been in my life and he just started this shit this past year. He has never done this shit to me before. There were times when we might have talked and made a plan 5 days in advance and never confirmed or anything and he was there every time on time in the place he said he would be. And there were times he could not call me from his phone and he would call me from his coworkers phone to check in with me. He would call me from his brothers phone to check in on me. He would not let it linger during the time we were actively seeing each other. He always made sure he was in contact with me. 

Then there was the time he went to Trinidad and did not call me for two years but whatever. 

I want to punish him when I think about how selfish he is in this regard. This is his weakness. It is his absolute weakness. Stress wrecks him and causes him to isolate. And I can tolerate isolation but he should be telling me "I can not come down today" at the very least. I have even changed my behavior to what I ask him when he tells me he is stressed or just not feeling like himself. I dont have conversations about how much it hurt me or upset me or how much stress it creates in my already stressful life. I adjust and I am gentle with him because I love him and I dont want to cause him more stress. I will bring it up when he is feeling better and he will sincerely apologize and acknowledge that he should have called me and he really says he "try" not to do it again. He is honest with me in that way that he does not know if he will be able to do it again. 

And what a dysfunctional picture I paint of him. I talk about his weakness and it is not lost on me that my absolute weakness is that if I dont feel connected to you I will cheat on you. And I will do it immediately. As soon as I have the feeling of being under appreciated or disconnection I am on the phone looking for some dick to make me feel better. And he has exactly as long as it takes me to set up a dick date with someone else to fix the problem that made me feel disconnected. Sometimes he fixes it in time but sometimes he does not. This is my absolute weakness and something that he has had to accept about me. 

Granted he does not know all the times I have done this but he does know about enough of them that he knows I have a pattern. I dont think he realizes how reactionary it is and that he really has the power to control it. 

So where do I go with this? How do hold space for me to feel respected and wanted enough not to be ghosted and still give him grace on something that I know is really hard for him? Where is the line? How do I know when he has done too much? Is it time for me to change my expectations in some way? Have I trusted D with too much responsibility? This ghosting hurts me so much and makes me feel so stressed but am I going to end things because of it - of course not.  But there has got to be something I can do. I feel lost. 

I am such a different person than I was in my other relationships than I am with him. I am so much more tolerant of his shortcomings than I have been with my exs. But there must be a point where I dont want to do it anymore. Right? When he has hurt me enough I will just have to say good bye?  For the record - even as I typed that I thought to myself no way! They will need to pull me off his cold dead body when the time comes. 

I wonder if he thinks about me during the day today. I did not even get a fucking Happy Mothers Day from either one of my baby daddies. Like every time I called and he saw my name pop up he did not think of me? He did not say I know she is stressed let me just text her? WTF. 

I will keep you posted