Depart for the Usual

 D did not make it down on the weekend. His car was in the shop and it did not get fixed until yesterday. He said he could come today. I fervently said "I am not waiting another week to have sex". He said I come Tuesday or Wednesday, which meant I had to rearrange my schedule. So I did. Today, I lied my mom and told her I was going to work and sent the kids to her house. By the time I got done taking all the kids where they needed to go D was at my house. I pull up and he is standing outside smoking a cigarette in his T&T head scarf. I am excited. 

I dont remember the beginning so much. But I remember me bent over and him fucking me and me having those tears of joy rolling down my face. It was again a few good hours of fucking. Then we took a break.

During this break he told me the extent of his immigration woes and that he has an appointment Thursday. This appointment may decided if he will be deported in order to refile his paperwork in his home country or if he will be allowed to do here. He has been in this country about 35 years, never and incident, never an arrest, never a lapse in his permeant residence status until now. If I have to guess why, it is because his wife probably took care of it when he has been married and now that he is not then well things just have not been taking care of. I know that sounds like I am dumbing down men, but they really do not know how to do things that women do. Women excel in taking care of business. He tells me he is super stressed about this and we talk about the plan and all the things. I cry. I cry a lot actually. This feels very reminiscent of the last time he went home and I did not see him for years.  I worry if I will see him again. He reassures me. I cried and hugged him a lot. There were some moments that he was loving and caring but there were also some moments that he was a dick and I thought to myself how can I love a man this fucking emotionally stunted.  I felt all the emotions during this 2 hours where we sitting, fully clothed talking. I felt rage for him being so stupid to let this happen, I felt pity for him because he is so mad at himself for letting this happen, I felt relief that I will have a break from him, I felt sadness for myself, I felt dumbfounded for the lack of emotional intelligence this man has. He did however tell me he loves me. And so while that does not seem like a big deal - it is. D does not share his feeling ever. I cant remember the last time I heard him tell me he loves me. It has been a long time - years. Maybe 10 years if I am being honest. He does lots of things that let me know he loves me but he does not say it. Sometimes I need him to say it. 

Unrelated he always says I am very childish because I cry a lot. And to be clear I have been trying to cry for months and months now with no success. I dont cry around him often but if someone is going to make me cry it will be him. This is the part I dont like about him. He is so ridiculous in his expectations sometimes. He says it is time for me to grow up I dont need to cry. There is so many things wrong with that statement. He said he cried a little when his mom died in 2004 and that was the last time. All I could think about was I remember exactly when his mom died because he came to see me a few days later. It was right before Christmas in 2004. We had been on a break for a few months because he was dealing with his mom's illness but I remember that like it was yesterday. So as for the time frame, I think that means we started seeing each other in November of 2003, I think. Whew. And he still makes me get butterflies when I see him and talk to him. 

I get done crying, he asks me to come outside with him while he smokes and we go upstairs. We have fun again but again same problem as last time, after the break the dick did not want to stand. It did, he came a like 3 more times and it was good but there was struggle then the last two times I was like in my head begging him to just stop. Knowing what I now know about his stress level maybe it is impacting his ability to fucking for 8 hours straight. 

However, the last time we fucked today, he had me on my knees and my head down on the bed fucking me. He likes to make sure my ass is up and my head is far down as it can go. Well I realize after a few minutes my nose is bleeding. A lot. He does not stop, he does not break stride, I stretch myself as far as I can to grab the tissue box while he just keeps going. I feel like there is not much that is stopping him. 

He got dressed and we hugged and I watched him walk to his car. I thought about how much I love him. I shut the door and went upstairs to use my vibrator. He did make me cum a lot today but sometimes I just want my vibrator. In particular when my pussy feels all beat the fuck up from a day of fucking and I just want to cum real quick. I did indeed get the one last orgasm I was craving. I cleaned the room up, put the toys away and got ready to flip into mom mode.

Overthink It

 JF asks if he can pick up the kids tomorrow and take them to dinner. We start chatting. I mentioned to him that I would have liked to have known that you were bringing your girlfriend to see the kids. He mentioned to me that I never told him that D was going to be here and I reminded him that the last time D and him were here JF was mad but I told him D would be here tomorrow so he could meet with him tomorrow if he wanted. But I would be out to say hello to the girl friend and just chat with her briefly before she hangs out with my kids. Im not worried about her, I dont think JF would have someone who is bad, for lack of a better term, around the kids but I want to talk with her and get a feel for vibe. This conversation is uncomfortable for me and my heart just feels heavy. I love him and hate him all at the same time. But I mostly love him and I kind of want to hear about his life in some way. I dont want to live with him, or be with him, or share space with him but I just want to be friends where I can call him and talk to him about things. This would be ideal. My ex-husband and now his fiancé are great friends and are part of my community and are two people I know I can count on. These are the people I want in my life. People I love and have mutual respect for each other. JF and I maybe are going to get there but it is baby steps right now. 

My mind has been reeling lately with just thoughts of men and sex. Every man I see I visualize what it might be like if he fucked me and if I would like it or I think about the ways I like to feel desperate and powerless in sex. I keep reliving that kiss from Monday that made me remember why I am so devoted to D. I am not sure what has caused this spike of sexual preoccupation. 

I also thought about how I am sure JF told his girlfriend that I am a whore. His words not mine. I just can imagine him using that as the reason the relationship ended, even though it was not. But its no problem I can hold my head up. Sex is nothing I am ashamed of but I can just hear his description of me to her. 

D is supposed to come down tomorrow. He sorta confirmed earlier but never got back to me with a firm yes I am coming. So I am sure he will wake me up at the crack of dawn to let me know he is coming or he will ignore me for the whole fucking weekend. 

These men got me all in my feelings. Im overthinking everything. 

Orgasm, Orgasm, Where are you?

 I woke up early today about 6am and called D because I still did not know if he was coming down today or not. He did not answer, I said Fuck Him to myself and went back to sleep. He called about an hour later and said he would be there at 830a. I was surprised but happy. I was just picking up and doing house hold chores when he walked in and I was walking down the steps and saw him walk in and I could see he was not happy. He came in and said good morning to the kids and was looking for me. I came down stairs and he met me in the entrance and let me know he just saw my text, and that I was lucky he did not see it before he left this morning or he would not have come. I shrugged my shoulders in defiance and said "that is how I felt". He reminds me that today is not the day to fuck with him with deep sincerity. I can tell he is a little bit beaten down and tired but he looks good. He looks rested and like he gained a few pounds. I later noticed that weight was muscles in his arms. He looked really good. 

I wanted to talk, like always, I want to beat the dead horse into the ground on any topic about my feelings and him and like all the men I have been in a relationship with have had enough of talking about my feelings. Just tonight my son, who is 11, says to me "why do we always have to talk about how you feel"? He made me laugh, I try to get him to talk about how he feels because I am trying to not raise another emotionally stunted male. D said to me "Your problem is you think you can talk to me like you talk to JF" and I said "Your problem is you are emotionally stunted and terrible at communication". He went to grab me by the back of the neck and I thought he was pulling me in to slap me and I shudder and pull back. He demands for me to "come here"I sheepishly say "No you are going to hurt me". He says come here again very sternly. I timidly move toward him and he pulls me towards him and kisses me. This was another one of the movie scene kisses that I did not think ever really happened but it was hot. We kissed for a few minutes as I half laid on him and he grabbed me and half me close. We were off to an amazing start. 

I suck his dick and not to pat myself on the back but I have been doing really good in that department with him. He has been verbal about what he wants specifically and I jump at the opportunity to give him what he wants. I suck his balls and make love to his dick, I suck it hard and slow and finally he just pushes me where he wants me and does not say much. I am on my knees, ass up, head down and I feel his dick push inside of me and my body stretch to accommodate. This is the best moment of sex for me and when it is really good the tears will fall from my eyes as they did today. It is a combination of being so good and your body stretching. It is amazing. It was at this moment I thought to myself this is why I am his slave. Nobody and not toy have every made me feel as good as this man. I was feeling more connected but I defiantly not where I was with it. Sex for the first 3 hours was really great. It was intense and I love it when he cums and we both dismount and just laying trying to catch our breath. I lay on his chest with one arm across him and smell him and soak him in until we are ready to fuck again. This time as I am on his chest playing with his dick, he asks me to suck his nipple. So this is new, he has never asked me to do this for him and I do not offer. But I seamlessly do this for him without a second thought. And I like it. I like that it is giving him pleasure I like that I can feel his dick getting harder and that he is telling me I am a "good girl". When he has had enough he tells me he wants me to suck his balls and then his dick and I do it with love and I enjoy it. I lack back on the bed and he positions his balls right about my face and I suck his balls and then his dick. He is fucking my face and sliding that dick down my throat with each move. This position is great and I am not gagging and it is really great. I feel him getting closer to bumming and I want this cum in my throat. I just thought how hot would it be for him to cum down my throat. I had to stop though. I have to keep my thoughts from going wild in that position. I can not breath when it is in my throat and I have to make sure I breath when it slides up but I got freaked out and was feeling like I could not breathe so I ended that, but I want to try that again soon. 

We take a lunch break. We eat Chinese we head right back upstairs. He does fix a curtain rod situation I had and then we are back in bed. This time the sex was a little bit shall we say...a struggle. He struggled to get hard and stay hard. In my head I am just like just call it. We can just lay here, try again in an hour, and just enjoy touching each other. He persists. I won't say it was horrible but it started to feel like he was just using my pussy to get his dick hard, like I was an accessory. I did not love it and I just started to lay there very still so I would not mess up his flow and I thought about things I have to do at work tomorrow. There were some good moments in the second 3 hours but nothing close to the first three hours. I just wish he would have stopped trying to fuck me. And he was getting so close to orgasm but still was not fully hard. I dont know what was happening. It was weird. But take it from me, if you are a man in this position and the dick is not standing then fucking move on to another activity. Come back to it later. No women wants to witness you fight the battle of the wills with your dick while she is spread on bed hoping for a rock hard cock. Just finger her or better yet fist her and move on. 

D was getting dressed for a break and I took by the hand and asked him for some help. I just needed some finger fucking or oral  or both really. But he was like "I got you when we come back up". He was dressing before he left and I took him by his hand again and he said "No you have had enough". It is never enough. I have not had enough and I did not have that coveted orgasm I was looking for. It never came. In fact only one small orgasm came. He knew I was not orgasming because he said it. He did everything that usually works for me. He did really try to make me cum but I could not get there and I was in a freaky headspace but nothing. I think that because I am mad at him or maybe less connected with him that is a problem and the fact I have had so few orgasms in the last month in a half that I feel like they are hard to achieve. Usually for me once I get the first one the rest just flow. I usually orgasm like 8 to 10 times at least when I am with D for the day. The sheets are not even wet. 

I hug him a few times. I hug him like I wish I could climb inside him. I want to be so close to him. He hugs me but not like I hug him. He is on his way. I feel peace about our relationship at this time. It feels good. I hope it lasts a week.

Angst All Day

 I just took a gummy to try to calm my nerves. Father's Day like literally every other holiday makes me physically and emotionally stressed beyond my control. I can not call my Dad. I just cant just like on Mothers Day I could not call my Mom. Something about special days makes me seize up with anxiety and feel all kinds of things. None of the pleasant. It is more like this tornado of feelings and I just can not articulate what the problem is, I just feel it, in my chest, and in my breathing and in my stomach. It is not going away and it ticking its way to the top like a roller coaster almost to the free fall. I hope the gummy kicks in fast. 

Yesterday, JF picked the kids up. He said he had to go to NY and so he was going to take the kids to breakfast and then head that way. He was only going to have them for an hour or two. He pulled up and there was a girl in the car. I did not have a lot of time to process as I essentially pushed the kids out the door and shut the door behind them. It was a split second glance at the girl. But I felt immediately sick, like instantly felt hot and like vomit was going to fly out of my mouth. I did not know what to do with this knowledge and should I be upset and who was with my kids and all the things. I took a few minutes to text my friend about all the things running through my mind. The sickness was fleeting but good lord the grief of our relationship ending was so intense. I so love JF still. I really love him and I am really so grateful for all the things we had together, but I do not want to be in a relationship with him. I do not want to share a house, a kitchen, a life with that man anymore. But someone this girl in the car made me feel like she had something I wanted. I dont want him. I would want all his good points because those are the things that made me fall so in love with him. The patience, the kindness, the commitment to hard work (even if it got him no where), his spirituality, his love for people, his ability to talk about anything in an intelligent manner and he would open your mind on so many things. But good lord JF could fucking take my laid back personality and push it to the ends of my ability to cope. He was never as interested in sex as I was. He was ok at sex but never would give me the rough fucking / pounding dick I wanted. He was a loner even in the house with me. He was so comfortable alone it became clear it did not matter to him one way or another if I was there or not. He made bad decisions, he lied to me a few times, he always had one foot in Africa, he did not know or care that if he did not connect with me I would leave him. And I did. I left him. I ended it so what was I so upset about this girl in the car for? I thought about it and thought I do trust him not to hurt the kids and he is only going to breakfast with them, how bad can it be? I did start to feel some happiness because I do want him to be happy and I happily waved to them when they returned. My daughter says to me "Is [JF] your boyfriend"? And I say No that D is my boyfriend and she says " Oh ok, then Papa has a girlfriend". I show mild interest and say oh yeah, that's good. Is she nice? What is her name? They say she is nice but dont remember her name. And that is that. She is white and she is built like me. I imagine she is educated because he could not be with someone who is not and I imagine she is kind because he would not be with someone who it not. I wonder how this will change his dynamic with me and then I thought for a second, maybe I can just talk with her and I dont have to deal with him anymore. That would be nice. The feelings are still there today but they are dwindling. They give way to more pressing things in my life, like my own obsession with D and my irrational anxiety tied to fathers Day. 

I compare D and JF in my head when feelings for JF come up. D and JF are about the same amount of successful, sadly. Neither one of them is killing it in the income department. JF is the hardest working person I have ever come across. He pushes through all kinds of pain (from is leg deformity) and never says he cant do something, even when he should. D lives to relax. He loves to just be and enjoy life. He takes pleasure in very basic things. D will never think about fashion or clothes. He just wears them not to be naked. JF is very much in touch with his style and the clothes and shoes he wears. He buy luxury items whenever possible. D views sex as the end all be all past time and should be engaged in whenever time allows. JF preserves his energy and does not want to have sex too often because he believes that it drains his spiritual energy. He likes sex but does not live for it and is ok not to have for very long stretches at a time. JF always tried to take care of me and look out for me and D does in his own way too. They are so different in their approach but both fall flat. JF could not keep our connection alive and give me what I needed (which was so little) and D continues to disappoint me regularly. 

Last week D was so sweet and attending. Asking me how I was feeling and all the things, reeling me right back into feeling connected with him. Friday we spoke, we planned for Monday and then he has not called me in two days. I called him yesterday because I really wanted to talk to him about all my feelings I was having but he did not answer and did not call me back. I did not think twice about it and went about my day. Then today he did not call me and then I get that sick feeling in my stomach. I call him I text him, no response. I send a very angry text that said " Listen dont do this shit again where you dont answer the god damm phone and you cant call me back. I have had ENOUGH of begging you to communicate with me. I have called you 2x yesterday with no response. I text you that I wanted to talk to you and now I dont know what the plan is for tomorrow. AGAIN you left me hanging. 

These words will anger him. I don't think they will make him call me, but it is on the tip of my tongue to be like I need sex and if you cant come down here today I am going somewhere else to get it. 

When Submissive Girl Met D

 The story of how we met... 

It is 2002 (or '01 or '03), the memory blurs with time and I had purchased my second home with husband at the time and my brother was on leave from the military and him and my dad and my husband were completing gutting my only bathroom in the house. My job was running back and fourth to home depot for all the things we needed. And considering that my brother, my dad and my husband were not professionals there were a lot of trips to home depot. 

So we are in full demo mode. I have not had a shower this day because there is not bathroom and I was also in charge of demo haul away to the dump. I remember what I was wearing, grey sweatpants that were baggy. And they were thin. They were a few years old and so no longer did they feel thick and cushiony but thin and the knee was almost worn through and a black shirt, also well worn and thin. Both items were covered in dust and paint and my red hair was pulled up into a messy bun. 

I took this trip to get studs and dry wall so my mom rode with me. I got the small items I needed and I did have someone help me load the drywall and I got the studs and had my cart loaded up. I went to get in line and the cashier (D) asks me the generally nice questions of if I found everything that I needed to which I said yes. Where are you from? He says Trinidad & Tobago. At this point I had met one other person from T &T and was intrigued to find out more. But I did not come to hunt down dick and really I had a lot of shit to unload and people were at home waiting on me. He asked me if I needed help and I told him I did want someone to help me load the drywall. He said ok, I will have someone meet you out there. 

Out to the truck, which my mom was driving and I get out and I am helping load everything and he comes and is trying to talk to me. And I am being friendly but as I open the door to the cab (and my mom can hear) he asks me for my number. I stutter a little bit and act like I dont know what he is saying and then I shut the door and go to "check" on the the tied down wood and I call him over to help me tie down. Meanwhile we are both fake tying down wood while my mother waits in the cab. I give him my number.  

He calls, I actually see him at home depot a few times while he was working. I go there, he would take a break, sit in his car and talk. Sometimes we would go for a ride. I think we did that like 3x and then it was time to fuck. We went to his brothers apartment who was out of town. The police were following us and continued to follow us and so we ended up going into Kohls. Then we made it to his brothers place. We were in the living room, he turned on a music station, I feel like it was reggae, I think. I talked about condoms and he was like he did not have any and then he was like touching me while this was happening and I dont even think I sucked his dick, it was just rock hard and I was on the floor on my knees leaning over to the couch and I remember feeling the dick pressing on my pussy and thinking that I did not know how that was going to fit. He got it to fit, but it was that tight fit that brought tears to my eyes (in a very good way). We got there about 730pm, it was snowing out. About 230am I said I could not fuck anymore. I sat on the floor exhausted, sore and mother fucking in love. 

I dont remember the exact series of events after that but we got things going between us. We were fucking at my house, my husband worked nights sometimes, we were fucking his brothers house, we were fucking in the car everywhere, we fucking at parks, in the woods. I just felt like were on this amazing love train and it was all so good. He would disappear for a few months and then he would come back and we would do it all over again and never miss a beat. We would talk in the car for hours. Then we would fuck some more and talk some more. I loved him and he knew it, but he was not ready to profess his love for me. He was really distant with me when I talked about shit like that so I just left it alone and took all the time he was willing to share with me and I reveled in it. I lived and breathed for this man. He was on my mind all the time, much in the same way he is now. That part has never really changed. 

2006 I get pregnant. It does not go real well the finding out part. He is not angry but he is not thrilled and he suggests abortion. I had one abortion and I did not really want children but I did not entertain the thought of an abortion for even a second. He defiantly did try to persuade me. We still kept fucking but now are talks were serious. We would talk about what we wanted the baby to grow up knowing, how much he would be in her life. We talked about parental rights and custody and child support. We talked for months about it but we never lost our connection. It was like the fucking is the fucking and it had nothing to do with the baby. Long story short my husband decided to raise the baby and we would not ask for child support because we did not need it and he just did not have it. He would not have visitation. He is the biological father that my daughter would always know as D, he biological father and then there is my ex husband who would be her dad. 

3 weeks after baby came we were back in the car fucking behind a warehouse. It was amazing. He was like a drug I could not get enough of him. He would see the baby and hold the baby and advise me on how to take care of the baby. He would see here maybe once a month until she turned 5. Then he went back to Trinidad. He went missing I moved on, I married JF and had two more kids. Him and I reconnect I think year after he left but I was so mad at him I scoffed and him and hung up. He called again like a year later, same thing. He was still in Trinidad. Then maybe a year later he calls a third time and opens with "Im Back". This time JF was not treating me right and I was easy to scoop up. And so he did. I was 5 months pregnant with my youngest when I saw him again. I remember the dress I wore and that I wore that dress so he could bend me over and fuck me. But when I got there I was struck with how he aged and I was mad at him all the way around. The leaving, the not calling, the all of it. It was at this time he made it clear to me that we were going to be a couple for lack of a better word. I was still married but he was on my shit list and so was D. I was just fucking him and going through the motions. I guess it was several years maybe another years of fucking in motels, sneaking out, sneaking over when JF out of town. 

He divorced his wife about the same time I ended with JF and we have be living the dream ever since. The last two years we beat the idea of him moving in here and I think that is still the plan, but if it stay weekend fucks I will be okay with that too. 

Sunday Scaries

 He did not call. I called him 1x. I feel like I am right back in the midst of the mess of last week. But my resolve is slowing waning. My chest feels heavy and my sex drive is non-existent. I am also in PMS week and so there is a hormonal element that puts an edge on my language and an aggressive tone in my voice. I am thinking about what I should do about D this week? Should I call him tomorrow? I told my mom if he does not pick up the phone soon I am going to drive up to his house and set his car on fire. That is mainly the  pms talking but not for nothing a drive up North is imminent because that feels like the level of crazy I am will to go to get the conversation I want. 

Men - Please weigh in on why you think that this man is so distant all of a sudden. He will in one breath talk about moving in and the next minute he is ignoring my calls for a week. 

It is kind of a historic things between the two of us that he will push forward and I will pull away. And I will push forward and he will pull away. It has happened more times than I can count. I know it is part of our dance but I am tired of dancing. I just want to come together and stop the back and forth. My needs are clear and limited. I am not a high maintenance person. I need to hear from you every other day, maybe 4 out of 7 days and clear plans on when I will see him again. I dont need gestures of love, or acts of service. I need clear communication and I need to know I can count on you. And I will be ok with that. 

My body is weary and so is my mind. I just dont want to be bothered with anything and I did log onto Fetlife last night and today. I am not so intrigued. The thought of vetting people and getting to know people is exhausting. I have no desire to go through the process to find someone else. It is just not worth it to me right now. The return on investment is poor and the risk is high. I wish there were a yelp for sex partners. I want unbiased reviews on someone, something like "big dick but takes forever to cum and lacks in hygiene depart, and will ask you for $20". I want some information I can use. And no body lives alone so that gets exhausting. I dont know may the neighbor and the local guy will have to hold me down for awhile while D figures his life out a bit. 

Sometimes I will be in the quiet of my day and I will think about what if D just showed up. I desperately want him to just show up. I want him to pull up and walk into my house and find me washing dishing and turn me around and kiss me and tell me to go upstairs. I want him to tell me to shut up while I try to talk about his lack of attention and I want him to put his dick in my mouth. I want to be fucked and I want to get all the feelings out during that fuck sessions and I want him to make me cry. That will fix everything but he never shows up. My dreams are never realized and I day dream over and over again, inputing the smallest of details and soothing my spirit just for a few minutes. 

As this week renews and I prep for getting through another week, I try to refocus my thoughts. I changed my sheets because I was too tired to do it yesterday after the neighbor fuck, so I wanted to refresh it and free my room of the energy that was in here. I want to free my mind and reset it. I am counting on sleep doing that for me. It is a busy week. The last week of school for my younger kids and another week of me trying to figure out all the things I need to do for work all by myself. Another week of trying to figure out how much I want D in my future and how much of my heart I need to give him. 

This Man Hurts You, Do Not Call Him

 He called me Friday, mid morning. I had changed his name in my phone to "D - this man hurts you, Do Not Call Him". And when I saw his face pop up and the message I felt like I had just stepped into the trap again. Like a mouse who keeps trying to get the cheese but every time gets bit by the trap. 

I asked "So where have you been" in a very low key beaten down voice and he says "you needed a time out" and he is being serious. "You were getting out of control". Ok, Cool. Cool Cool Cool I think to myself. I do not show emotion in this call. I talk to him like I talk to psychiatric patients and traumatized teens I have worked with. I do not emote. Stone faced I sit at my desk and listen and I make the thought out decision to share my truth in the most submissive way possible. I dont recall my exact words but it was as methodical and fact based as I could make it and it ended with him sincerely saying " I will try [to do better]". It was an 11 minute conversation and he happily said he had to get back to work and would call me on his drive home. He did not call on his drive home. He has not called me today. 

After I took that call, I felt lighter and less anxious but I did not feel better. I just feel disconnected and like we are worlds apart, physically and emotionally. I moved on. I let it be and took it for what it is worth. 

I am surprised he is not more concerned with me having sex with other people because he must know I am going to do it. Last time we talked about it is when I told him about the local guy and he was pissed. And I very plainly told him he left me hanging. He did not see it that way. What he said was " I was doing the best that I could" and what I told him was he did not communicate that to me. I said (and I truthfully mean it) that if D was giving me what I needed I would and could wait for him to come to me and give me dick. That might mean once a month or less but if we are connecting emotionally I could do that. I would happily remain in his service in that way. That is not my struggle. My struggle is when I feel like I am not a priority and I have made you a priority that is when the switch flips and I become a complete slut. 

And so what am I retarded ( I know that is no an appropriate word in this culture but I think it gets my point across)? This man is grown in his fifties and his shit by most measures is not together. If he can not get his adult shit together I am not sure why I thought he would be able to get his emotional shit together.

So what I am I going to do? Break up - get serious. When I commit, I really commit but that does not mean I will not make myself better with the only thing that consistently raises my spirits. Dick. 

I had 2 hours alone in my house today and I invited the neighbor guy over. If I can complain about him I am going to say he is to clean. He is always worried about the showering for him and for me. Im like if I got a shower at 9am and it is now 1p do I really need another shower? I am not that hung up on being overly clean to fuck. Its weird to me, I dont know maybe he had a bad experience. He always smells like soap, sometimes I want to smell like the scent of the man. Whatever though. He comes over and we have more time than we usually do and before he got to my house I made myself cum twice with my magic wand so by the time he got there the pussy was wet and I was ready. I really want like a good 30 minutes of pounding from the back frankly. His dick fits nicely from the back and it lets me disconnect from him. He is nice and I like him but I dont have and deep feelings for him other than the friendship you build fucking to feed the addiction.  He fucks me from the back for awhile and then he wants me on my side. I hate this with him. It feels like he loses his rhythm. Then finally on my back. I dont love this. I want my legs pinned back as far as they can go but he wants me to play with his nipples and I cant pull my legs back and he is not doing it. And I came like 2 more times and I was really done. I was checked out. I got my half-dozen orgasms for the day and I was good. But he just would not cum. He said ok, this time I will cum for you and then he does not, and over and over again. By now I am just tolerating it trying to say what I need to say and do what I need to do to make him cum. He finally cums in me. I must say I did like the sensation of my pussy being filled with hot cum but that quickly turns to disgust as I realize that he filled my body with his cum and as he gets up to clean up and I lay there I feel the drip begin. At least it was not in my mouth. We talk like friendly neighbors and we have talks about our sexual activities and talk about STI tests and making sure we are good in that area. He said he was talking to this girl and he said "she is like us, well maybe not as bad as us, but close to our level".  I do love frank conversations about casual filthy slutty sex that does not get all judgmental and patriarchal. It was just two sex addicts talking about how we beat down the monkey on our back. 

So, I am out tonight for a school event. With every move of my body I feel the cum leaking out. I laugh to myself and think about all the things that these people might think about me but they would never know what I was just doing or all the sex I have had. 

I recently had an incident at a medical facility. There was a disagreement to which I did clearly and affirmatively shared my views and to which the facility thought it best they no longer serve me as a patient. Was I right? 100% right but sometimes it is hard for people to take my dominance in the real world. This was about a month ago. And the other day my ex-husband tells me who the manager was that I had the discussion with and as he said the name I thought to myself this shit never ends. Turns out I actually fucked her husband. I dont know if she knew that or not and if that played a part in her kicking me out of the practice but if I were a betting woman I would say yes! God I wish I would have recognized who she was the day of the incident. I would not have brought that up in public but I might have whispered something to her on the way out. 

And here we are at the end of the night. The official take on D coming Sunday was he was not sure if he would need to do on call hours or not but if he could he would come down. I am not holding my breath and if I am honest I am really sore from the neighbor today so I will be ok without. What I do want is the connection, the feels, I want to breathe in his scent and hear him talk politics or parenting to me while in my head I beg him to just shut his mouth. 

I did log into Fetlife today. The boulder is starting to roll downhill I hope D has enough sense to stop its progress before it picks up too much momentum. 

Double Play

 I am in a really dark anxious place today. I have been fighting the urge to call D all day. I dont think he will answer but at least calling feels like I am doing something. We did text the other day but it was weird and it did no even seem like it was him. It was super weird but at least it was a text from him. I guess. It was so weird it maybe think maybe he did not get his bill and they took his number and gave it to someone else. This seems plausible. But nonetheless whatever it is I am here feeling like a junkie looking for my next hit. I can not eat, I can not relax, I can not think of anything but him. 

I spent the evening at my friends house so she could talk me through the night and I would not be as tempted to call D. I made it. I did not call him in over 24 hours. No text either. But my spirit does not like this game. This feels so much like game playing to me. I live and breath to make him happy and yet he still cant meet this need of mine. 

So in keeping with my true identity I start to move away from him emotionally and I disconnect. Nothing helps me disconnect better than a hard dick. I felt like I had to make mountains move but I managed to see the neighbor yesterday. My friends watched my kids and he snuck in my house. We fucked for about 30 mins. He made me cum for what I think is the first time since I have been fucking with him, I could feel myself getting ready to squirt but I stopped myself because I did not know if he would be disgusted by that or not. He seems like a clean freak and I sometimes squirt a lot. But that dick was exactly what I needed. I felt so light and free right after. It was uplifting. I asked him not to cum in me and so I sucked his dick til he came and he came in my mouth some. more like right down my throat. That part I could have done with out. 

But I asked him not to cum in me because I was planning to see the local guy later too. I wanted to be fisted and he does a really great job at that. And that is what I did. I got my 3rd shower of the day and headed over to the local guy a few hours later. Our connection was not as I had remember it but its been a long time. It was a little bit awkward and I wanted and needed a little bit of relaxing and talking but he was pretty much here is my dick. But the oral and the fisting were delightful. And there is a video of the fisting. I only watched it twice. The first time the I watched it I was like Wow this is really graphic. I have never seen a video like that of me and the second time I watched it was (As always) obsessed with he audio of it. When I hear that intensity in my moaning and that utter satisfaction I am so turned on all over again. I am not sure if I can post it here. My last post was flagged for some community guidelines so I am not sure how this video will go over. 

I might post it separate so if it gets blocked the whole post does not get blocked. 

Again

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