Relaxation

 He came down today. Thank God! I needed to get some dick, I was tense. He came about 9am and we went right upstairs. I am really into sucking dick, or maybe it is just his dick. I am not sure. It is like I have this need for it. Sucking dick has always been about a means to an end but now I just want it in my mouth. I crave it. He will be fucking me and I will ask him to stop and let me suck it. Sometimes he does and sometimes he does not. And I just love sucking this dick after he cums in me and his body is still pulsating and he cum covered cock just glides in and out of my mouth. I have never felt this way. This is why I always say to people I never know when I am going to feel what. Never in my life did I think I would crave sucking his cock right after he cums in me but yet I do. It is inexplicable. 

His dick was in good shape today. It felt amazing and did all the things I needed it to do. We were fucking from 9 to 3:45 with only a few minutes breaks here and there. He would cum, I would suck his dick clean and then I would lay on this arm with my face on his chest and my arm laying on his stomach. I would revel in the skin to skin contact. After about 3 hours of sex I was so intensely relaxed I just wanted to lay there. I was not sleepy just amazingly relaxed and my body did not hurt. I have been dealing with this sciatica pain for weeks now but all the positions and motions did not bother me at all. It was really a relaxing day. By the end I was getting a little touched out but I did not get my last orgasm the way I wanted before he finished and I asked him to suck on my tit a little. He say no. I asked him to let me have his finger and he said no. I inquired as to why he makes all the decisions about what I get and he said so plainly because I am your Master. This is not a word that we use a lot. In our relationship Dom/sub issue are not talked about to much in the way of you must submit to me or I make the decisions because I am the Master. He answered made me smile but I still did want my tits sucked on a bit more. 

After he left life fell into full swing with the kids. Picking up, doctors appointments, grocery shopping, dinner, reading and all I could think about is how I want more dick. The more I get it the more I want it. He thinks he will be the one who wants more sex when he moves in but I think it could be me. At least currently how I am feeling. Six months ago, I think him and I were questioning my ability to keep up with him. But like with everything else in my life it comes and goes. 

I finally just had a minute to shower and it feels really good now. My body is clean and relaxed. I changed the sheets and I am looking forward to some deep sleep tonight. I am also looking forward to laying down and not being touched for a few minutes just let my body enjoy this new level of relaxation and zen. 

I begged him again to take a video of him fucking me. Just a POV video so I can see the dick going in and out of my pussy. He also would not do that. If I ask enough he will do it one day, but usually he will surprise me with that shit. 

I got dressed, in this grey knit dress (that if I am being honest about was too tight). I think he liked it. He came over and slapped my ass and kiss / bit me on my neck and grabbed my pussy before we walked out the door. 

Bitch in all the wrong ways

 It has been a good 2 weeks since I have seen D. Somewhere in between those days the neighbor asked me if I wanted to fuck. I reluctantly said yes, and then the morning of I said no and then he talked me into it. I was not in the mood. So much so that I did not even get out of bed to greet him and I got my vibrator out to pre-game before he came but I really needed to get an orgasm out of this.  So I am doing that and he comes up to my bedroom and I stop masturbating and he gets undressed. I suck his dick for like a minute and he tells me to move back and gets in the beg and starts to fuck me. Why is his dick so fucking hard? This man's dick is remarkably hard all the time. It is lovely. Don't get me wrong he has a great dick, it gets really hard, it is a good size but he still does not always find the rhythm to make me cum. But I really appreciate the solid rock hard dick. He does play with Viagra a little...in his words "sometimes I just take a bite of one". I don't know but I am here for it. 

Either way he is fucking me, in a very basic way and it is working for me and I do cum like twice. I say to him "just dont cum in me" to which he replies "its too late". All I could do was shake my head. He had cum but was still hard and still fucking me. I hate the cum in me. I hate it. I dont hate it when D does it, but everyone else's cum disgusts me and is just a reminder of my weaknesses.  There are some random days I did ask him to cum in me and I liked it but in generally I dont want the cum. He eventually stops fucking me and asks me to suck his dick so he can cum again. I say "eh my mouth is really dry". I am laughing out loud even as I recall this. I was so not in the mood. I half hearted suck it a few pity strokes and then I am just like fuck it. He is like "let me get some porn" to which I rejoice inside because I cant be bothered to make this man finish. And in my head I am like "please jesus dont ask me to lay close you like last time". I do not want skin to skin contact.  

The neighbor and I have gotten this thing down to the most mechanical, basic, sex for quelling cravings only that it can be. We both, self proclaimed sex addicts talk about our other conquests and fucks like two people talking about the weather. We both know this is not an encounter based on lust. This is strictly about coveniece and orgasm and it been so long now there is friendship too. 

I did regret it though as I spent the next 36-48 hours waiting for all the cum to get out my body. Ugh. It is disgusting. To be clear, not that the cum smelled but it has his scent and every time I used the bathroom I was reminded of him cumming inside of me. That's a lot or remembrance for a 15 minute fuck that I did not really want to have. My body needed the orgasm though. 

D was supposed to come down Sunday. He called me early in the morning to tell me, his truck has a flat tire and he was going to take his friends bike but there was something wrong with it. He said he was sorry during this conversation 3x. I dont think D has ever said he was sorry to me ever. I have no memory of this man ever apologizing to me. It might has happened, the blog would know better than my memory. Either way I was disappointed of course but truth be told I did not want to see him Sunday. I was not feeling great and I was stressed about trying to phyc myself up for like 8 hours of fucking. It is a long day when he comes here. 

Now I sit here tonight, I am in the same place worrying about him coming down tomorrow. That is the plan for him to come at 9am. In this moment right now I have been up for 13 hours in which I have driven my daughter to work, drove my kids to my moms, drove to work (all this is over an hour closer to 1.5). I went to work. Came home, made dinner, cleaned the house up, took my kid and friend to the pool, stopped for snacks, cleaned up from dinner, showered and did kids hair, forced reading with my 11 year which means I had to sit and listen and take turns reading. I spent a significant time on my phone, responded to emails, shot the shit with my mom and sister and friend and here I am at 10p worried that my house is not clean enough for D. And I DO NOT want to hear a fucking thing out of his mouth tomorrow about any of it. I already have feelings about it myself. I wish I could have taken care of the house more but there just was not time. And he always says the kids should be doing it. Well my almost 17 year old daughter works at a summer camp and she is dog tired all day everyday and yes she can help but I try to give her a break when she is working because it is not her mess. It is mostly the littlest and dinner. And I can not get the 11 year old to do a fucking thing. He is my hardest child and we are just not in a place where I can have him do chores with out me riding his ass. And sometimes that is more energy than I have. So I am already defensive about it all. 

The other day he and I had a conversation. I am taking steroids for sciatica flare up and I am really BITCHY. So he said something about my kids helping me in the kitchen and we are all supposed to cook and clean up together. And I fucking jumped down his throat so fast and shut that shit down. He did not even say shit back to me. He just said okay. That was comical to me because never do I get to talk slick to him but I like to think he was picking up my vibe. He has this Mary Poppins idealogy of how parenting is suppose to work and it is just like okay asshole who was working all day while your ex-wife parented the kids most of the time. 

I am getting myself all worked up about tomorrow and I just need to chill. I am sure once the dick is inside it will be back to normal. I hope anyway. These steroid for my back really make submission difficult. I get such and internal rage from them. And I am always physically hot. 

Overthinking

 D managed to secure a lawyer for his immigration issue and now awaits the USPS to deliver a letter that will allow him to go back to work. He talked to me during these days of uncertainty. He told me that he felt scared and how nervous he was at his appointment. He broke down that image that I have of him that he is unfeeling and stoic. He checked in with to see how I was feeling and how my day was going. Now his phone is dead because he has no money and his phone is expensive, I guess. 

Im not mad at D, but I am in a place of feeling a little over it all. Im not mad at him for anything but his generally inability to take care of things in his life continues to encroach on my life and my right to happiness. Im getting pretty tired of being alone while he figures his shit out. In my head I am like if he was not working why wouldn't he just come and chill with me for two weeks while he waits for the letter. What would be the down side of that. And there are some reasons he will give me but for real for real he does what he wants and he must not have wanted to. So I dont feel bad for doing me. I am always going to do me. I have not talked to D in a week. And we have this conversation about how 2 weeks is my max of no contact before I start fucking everything that moves. So I hope he did not forget our conversation. 

When we were talking about him going back to Trinidad one of the first questions out of my mouth was are we fucking other people while you are gone? He stumbled on this question at first, I think he was surprised that I asked it so quickly. He made a joke out of it but I was not kidding. If he needed to go home and be away from me for months then I wanted to know what the expectation for sex was. He did not really expect me to wait 9 months, did he? And what did I expect from him? I did not even know. I just wanted to clear it up so I knew what the rules were. We never did. His inability to communicate directly continues to do him a disservice. 

In one of our conversations he asked me if I would bail him out... and I without hesitation said " you know I would" and he laughed and said that is good but he would never get locked up. 

This week has been busy and I have had my period and so I have just been taken care of business and not really given a second thought to sex really. But my period is over and I feel the hormones ramping up and I dont really want sex as much as I am wanting some attention, conversation, connection. Cone dick invited me to and adult swim party tonight. I had to laugh out loud at the invite because my first thought was the two bathing suits I own are Land's End Swim Dresses and are more about sun coverage than anything else. And I hate parties. The only reason I ever went to parties before was to make the connections to make sure I had a team intact at all times and I know how to find the men I want now and I can do all that on my own. I think my party days are behind me. Not my gang bang days but my party days. I hate parties with people I know and like I sure and hell dont want to have to talk to new people. And when I did go to parties I would not talk with people. My Dom would do it all for me. I dont think I ever said two words (other than that which was said while I was getting fucked). 

In this week I notice I have been thinking about a lot of things from my past and having so many feelings about them. It is like there is no drama with D so I am just making up shit to be upset about. I had a chill day today and I found myself bored with nothing to do. House was clean, laundry was done, I went grocery shopping. All the things were done and I just felt clueless. The kids were out with my mom and I was lost. I feel myself thinking too much. Even tonight writing this I am having a few too many feelings about things. I like staying distracted. Thinking to hard on anything will always bring problems. 

I dont want sex but I am already planning in my head my sex options for this week. How, where, who and I am trying to make sure I get the most out of the encounter because who knows when I will see D again. My team is small, the options are limited and I dont like that. I like a stacked bench so for whatever mood I am in I can get my needs met. 

Water Sports

 D has an immigration problem. We having been dealing with since last week. It has not been easy. There has been lots of scary moments when the realization was made that he needed to leave the country in 6 days or he needed to secure a $6500 lawyer. The issue is not completely resolved but it feels like it is going to work out with the lawyer. 

D came down today to see me. He arrived - ARRIVED-at my house at 6:55am. I did not even get out of bed for him. I was in and out of sleep when he got here and he got naked and got in the bed with me and I move my head down to his dick. I ask him to fuck me from behind first and he tells me no. He grabs my legs and slides me down the bed. Slides me like I am not a big women but slides me like he is moving a kids around. It is amazing. We have all the sex for hours. We took our first break at 11am for maybe a half hour and back again. His dick stayed hard the whole time today, which made me think the stress of all this was killing him the last few weeks. My body is a little sore from all the dick but it is not a soreness that I dislike. It is a soreness that reminds me of my day and give me a minute to pause and relive it. 

He always want to talk about fucking my sister and I always bring up fucking his brother. He said, there is not problem if he never found out. I feel uncomfortable when he says this and I change the topic. His brother calls though and asks him to come back to help him watch his kid so he can take the other one to the ER. He has been here since 7am so by 2p I was ok for him to go. But we had to fuck one more time. I ask for it from the back again and he obliges me. We were fucking for awhile and then he stops. I dont know why he is stopping and I thought to myself maybe his dick went soft but then I feel this hot liquid on my ass and I think he is cumming but slowing I feel it flowing down my pussy and dripping onto to my bed. I realize he is pissing on me and I cum with that realization and feeling of warmth pressure on my clit.  This was just what I have been asking for the last couple of weeks. He stops peeing and continues to fuck me and rubs my clit until I squirt on him. It is so wet and intense but he finishes and he goes to pee and I asks him to come back to me and I am on all fours with my face in his dick waiting for him to piss on me. I get nervous and lean up so he can piss on my tits and he wants to do in my face. I am hesitant but I move my face down to him and start sucking his cock a little bit and licking it while I wait for him to piss on me.  When he finishes I turn around and beg him to fuck me, he pushes my head down and has me lay face down ass up in the pissy bed. I really enjoyed it. And so did he. He went into the bathroom to clean up and he was saying what a great job I did today. And I said I was not done and I bent down and took his dick in my mouth and sucked it so good. I did not want to stop but he needed to go and I was covered in piss. He said that seems like a dick suck so I will remember to come back here. I get in the shower and he cleans up and gets dressed. We hug and it is good. He says to me "dont ever feel like you need to fight for a place in my life, you have it already, you have had it for years". This seemed so out of place for me, it was so out of left field I did not know what to make of it at first. But I do feel like I need his reassurance to know that I am important to him. He is not someone that shares a lot with words. I am a word sharer. I like words and I like for people to talk and talk and talk about a topic until I feel like everything is said. So relying on his actions is sometimes hard when we all know his actions are questionable at times. This phrase that I was not expecting, this verification that he values me made me feel really content today. 

He was happy when he left, we both were happy. We were laughing and joking all day. It was easier than it has been for weeks. It was more fulfilling and more relaxed than it has been in so long. It was just so good. 

I am so tired. It is about 7pm now and I don't have much more energy for much else tonight. I do feel like I am going to need a second shower, the smelling of piss in lingering I think. I am working on the laundry. And of course I always keep my waterproof mattress cover on my bed for these kind of scenarios. I highly recommend one if you value your mattress. 

Oh the other day this guy, I refer to him to my friend as cone dick bc his dick is shaped liked a traffic cone, text me to fuck. I was into because my default is always yes to cock. But I was not feeling it. I did not really want to have sex, I did not need to have sex, I was feeling really in love with D, and logistically it was going to be hard. I had sooo much trouble saying no. I felt like an obligation to cone dick to fulfill his needs. He wanted to fuck me so I should have made myself available. It was very hard to say no. Very Hard but I did do it and I was glad that I did because I would have felt guilty seeing D today.