It has been a minute since I have felt implored to blog. D did come down last weekend but it felt more like more of the same to me and I never did find the energy or motivation to memorialize it here. It was good though. I felt all the needed connections and my body felt satisfied. The next day he called me while I was at work. I was alone in my office and he says "how is my slut", and I immediately smile and blush and feel the rush of happiness pulse right to my pussy. It really does not take much to turn me on. As I looked back on this instantaneous reactions of mine I thought to myself what did it for me? Can you guess? It was not the slut but the "my" that took my breath away. Him announcing his ownership of me is what does it for me.
This last time he was here he was calling me a bitch a lot. For example several times during the last few primal pumps of his dick before he cums "bitch" rolled out of his mouth with just a little too much emphasis. I did say to him "You are a little heavy on the bitch today" and he took me by the back of my head and said "yeah, come here bitch" and place my mouth on his dick.
I dont know if he is going to come down tomorrow. We kinda left it up in the air. I am ok if I do not see him. I am feeling just a little hormonal. Im not sure when my period is coming but I defiantly am in the throws of a hormonal shift.
My daughter has been not well this week and now my youngest is sick and my middle child is, as always, giving me a run for my money. I have been parenting hard and I am a little worn out. My two youngest have been sleeping in my bed for weeks now. I am tired of it. I love the closeness to them and based on my research co-sleeping is really good for bonding and creating long term security in children. But last night those two assholes literally were fighting in the bed because ones leg touched the other one. This was at 2am. I can not do it. I told them tonight I would be putting them in their own beds and locking my door. I dont want to do it, but it needs to be done. I still dont know if I will be able to do it.
I did call D the other day to talk to him about my rental property. And it was quiet in my house. I laid on the couch and called him and we were talking and then like a strike of lighting those two kids starting fighting and the youngest came to me wailing and crying, and than ran back to fight some more. This happened about three times. I should have told him I would have called him right back but frankly I was tired and sometimes kids just need to figure it out themselves. However they persisted. He got irritated and again told me how I do not discipline them. He is not wrong. I do things the way I do them and I have to live with the consequences for my life. I could not sleep at night if I treated my kids the way he treats his sometimes. I always lead with love and emotional processing and regulation. I want my kids to be able to regulate their emotions and understand why they feel the way they do and to pay attention to what their body is telling them. I want them to understand that no matter what I will love them unconditionally forever. I feel like you can not teach an adult to self-regulate in a positive way like you can teach kids. And there will be plenty of assholes in their life that dish out harshness and unloving rules. I can do better than that for these kids. But it is a path that does take a lot of self-reflection and thoughtful words and actions. If I dont think I can parent positively I will opt to distract if I can. Anyway, D did not hang up on me but he ended our conversation with irritation telling me he had to go. This made me feel bad. For me it is the instant anxiety that he will leave me and it does not go away to I hear his voice again and he is loving and accepting. I was stressed for about 18 hours. I did not like it. I am learning so much about giving with D.
With my exhusband and JF I was not giving at all. In my head I thought I was but I see I was very intolerant and did whatever I needed to do to stay in control. That was because I was dying for those men to take control. I did not want the control but I could not give it to them. They had to know enough to take it.
I had this dream last night about this dog that I had, he has been dead for 16 years now. In this dream, the dog heard my voice from a very far distance and came running for me. He jumps into my arms and I hold him like a baby. He is old and I could feel his happiness and my own contentment. I say this just to share a memory of my sweet mentally ill Jack Russel dog that I named Russel. I dont know what happens in the mind to bring that kind of memory back and so vividly feel the feelings. I missed him today.
And last but not least thoughts for the day....is the government going to step in at some point and address the fact that people cant afford food? I feel like it is the elephant in the room that politicians are not talking about. Where are we heading? I know my grocery habits have changed a lot since food increased so much. We are making cuts everywhere to make sure I can still make ends meet. It is not easy out here and I know that I am so much better off than a lot of people. I wish I could just pick up my friends and family and we could all pick up and move to a country that has their shit together a bit more than this one.
