Is this love?

 Things with D just continued to devolve last week. I started to get stuck in a place of just wanting to "finish" the argument with him so I could move on, but for him to move on he would need space. After some firm encouragement from my friend I stopped calling and just threw my hands up in the realization that I can not control the outcome of what is happening between the two of us. But believe me in my head I already know who I am calling to get my revenge dick when he ghosts me for a week or two as he usually does. Are arguments were unusual for us, we have never argued like this. We have never went back and forth on so many points and both felt so insulted by the other. It was strange and I did not like it. But he called me Wednesday after only a day and a half of solitude. We did not say much. It was just a check in. "What's going on? Nothing, what's going on with you? Nothing."....silence for about one minute. "ok let me call you later". That was it but it made me feel at peace about where we were at, I think we both needed that. 

Fast forward to Thanksgiving. I am at my Moms for the day.  I was outside when I hear my phone ring and I answer. He sounds so serious on the phone, he sounded different this time. We talked about our plans. He told me he was frying a turkey for his brother. We talked about the weekend but  it was weird kind of vibe in the conversation. We hang up. I go back to what I was doing and I hear my phone ring again. I see its him. He says "I want to tell you something" and my heart drops through my chest and I say "oh jesus this does not sound good, you sound so serious". I was so nervous my voice was cracking. Had he thought our out of ordinary arguing was too much for him and he wanted to stop seeing me? I assumed the worse in those few seconds I was sure I would never see him again. As I walk down my parents long driveway I hear him say "Do you know that I really love you a lot?" My body eased and a smile graced my face and I said "I know you love me, but I do need to hear more often". He says "I just wanted you to know that, but I won't keep you from your family, I will call you tomorrow". 

Well for a few seconds I am walking on air but I thought to myself what prompted this? Where did this expression of love come from? And then as the hours passed and days now I have become to almost use this comment like fuel to my fire. So while at first I was so happy it turned to such confusion about what love means to him. He has been a real fucking asshole for the last year. I mean not every minute but I am going to say he has been an asshole more often than not. And I thought about every hurtful thing he said and did and I thought to myself you love me so much and yet you treat me like I am nothing to you (from my point of view). And well it has just spiraled out of control. 

I was thinking about all the times I have felt mentally manipulated by him. The times he ghosted me and the times he has stood me up and I want to call him back and tell him that if he loves me he should be treating me better. But I have not and this is my thoughts on this since I have had time to reflect on it. I have really loved and been in relationships with three men in my life. My ex-husband, JF, and D. And I know the things that I have done to them but I really loved them. Even thinking about the shit I am cannot bear to relive again in these words makes me wonder what does love mean to me? I have done these men dirty and if any of them knew the extent of my shortcomings it would have been a wrap right then and there. I think we can all agree that my love for D is deep and strong but I will cheat on him with little thought. It is my knife in the back. I will say all the things and I will out communicate you and I will out wit you and I will out emotional intelligence you but when we are said and done I will cut a bitch down with my indiscretions. I will have him wondering if I ever loved him at all. 

The first guy I cheated on (and I have cheated on every single man I have been in any sort of relationship with) called me when we had about 12 years apart and told me how bad I hurt him. I could not even muster up a ounce of caring about what I had done. It was nothing to me and I did not understand why he was still thinking about it. I was 17 and the guy I had sex with was literally just like my first try of seeing if I could just fuck anyone I wanted. Turns out I could. It is not lost on me there is something real fucked up about this. This pathologic behavior and with it comes this extreme intolerance to seeing my man with another women. It hurts me to even think about seeing them with another women. I feel territorial when D and I are out and he just talks to another women, like a cashier and he is just saying normal polite shit. 

I should start a go fund me for therapy because I know I need it. 

D is coming tomorrow. I feel indifferent about it. I can not even work up a feeling to tap into to write about it. So I won't even try. Maybe he will leave me yearning to pour the details of our day into a post tomorrow...or not. 

Am I better than you?

 It really is not a good time for D and I. I feel like things are getting tenser and tenser as the days go by and I know why. He is miserable because he is not working and I am tired of his toxic way of communicating. And instead of me always taking the high road I have decided to do the same shit he does to me to him. And he really does not like, but I feel like he is so emotionally limited he is not even picking up on it. 

Today I found myself asking why do I enjoy such pathetic men, I truly have a knack for attracting the wrong men and I have a hard time shaking myself free. As I think about writing this I think the way D has been for the last few months I dont really want to be in a relationship with him. But here comes the bad news, I feel like there is no getting out. I feel like we can not stay away from each other. We are so different in so many ways but I feel like for all the wrongs there is this big right. We have such intense chemistry and I know when I think about the things that he does that it gets much worse in the world. Somedays I think I would rather just be gleefully single and fuck him and re-establish a team and move about my business. But other days I am aware that things maybe better with someone else but maybe they won't. I just dont believe there are many men out there who can meet my needs. Sexually but also emotionally. Again not that I am needy but I know what I want, I know how to ask for it, and I know when I am not getting it. I think in general most men can not handle that. I just believe on some level I will have to settle for something in any direction I go. And so that is the intro to this most ridiculous post about this ridiculous conversation I had with D over the last two days. 

He asked me what I was doing at work, I tell him I am shopping on line for something, and he asked me why I dont go to the store to get out of the office some, because that is what he would do. I told him that I needed to get things from Walmart and that I do not go into Walmart. Walmart is one of the saddest places to go. I told him that I always see kids who are neglected or abused and elderly people who are struggling to shop and really just a lot of people who are struggling in the world. Empathy is something that is hard for me to ignore and sometimes it is exhausting. I work with people who struggle. I am someone who struggles. I just can not look at it. And to that end there are other places I will not go as well. I dont like the way I feel when I go there and if I can avoid it then I will. It works for me. 

He gets so pissy about this when I first tell him about it but I just kinda laughed it off and kept the conversation moving. So today, he brings that shit up again. And this time he tells me I won't go to the store because I am lazy and that just because I dont discipline my kids does not mean that other people are abusing their kids. I told him that I "am not going to listen to this shit I gotta go", he threatened me with not coming to see me until Jan and I said ok and hung up. 

On one hand I feel so proud of myself that I interrupted his bullshit rhetoric he spouts all the time but I also felt uneasy because I know he did not like the way I talked to him. I gave it a few hours and I called him back and we talked. It did not go well. I told him that him calling me lazy is offensive and I am tired of that. (As this is not the first time he has done it). He doubled down on the fact that I am lazy. And I doubled down on him constantly criticizing me and that he should be my cheerleader in life and not tearing me down. And for the last few months I feel like that is all he has been doing. (I just began to tear up as I relived this conversation). 

He finally says to me that he feels like I am talking about people like him in the Walmart. He goes on to say oh us poor people, us old people, us people who beat their kids, us people in wheelchairs, these are the people that are just like me and he said I think I am better then all of them. And so there is was, he little baby feelings were hurt because he feels like he is less than and he wants to tear me down to make himself feel better about the things he is self-conscience about. What a fucking pathetic human being. I am tired of stroke his broken ego. He talks about how much his appreciate how his father raised him but what he does not see for all the discipline he got from his dad it never made up for his mother leaving him to go to the USA and leaving him to be raised by his father. And his father may have succeeded in discipline but lacked in instilling confidence and self-love. 

I work with people going through shit every day. JF is disabled and a wheelchair user. My ex-husband was homeless when I met him. People in my life are in my life for their sincerity and spirit, not because I feel like they are "good" enough for me. And he thinks I think I am better than people, and I dont. If I did think I was better than other people then I would not continue to work in the field I do. I just feel like I need to help people when I can. He has known me for 20 years and here we are with name calling and him telling me I think I am better than people. And I have been clear with him that I am only able to live the way that I do because of my parents. And I feel so blessed to have parents that value taking care of me. 

But this was about what I said made him feel and brought up issues for him. Just like when he called me lazy it struck a nerve in my body. I feel like when he is calling me lazy he is calling me fat. And that feels like deal breaking words to me. Not that I am not fat, and he loves my body, but he has said two thing recently that have not sat well with me and in my head I was thinking "is he trying to tell me I need to lose weight"? He has never said that to me and always says body positive things to me but fat and lazy are one in the same for me. Not to mention I have been struggling with body image a lot lately. And I feel desperate to lose weight and I am struggling. And I am not lazy. What I am is exhausted from single parenthood and chronic pain and managing chronic mental illness and low iron. But lazy is not what I am. 

And I see the irony here. He hit my trigger word and I hit his. And I am better than him because I can talk about it like a grown up and he still acts like a child! Part of me wants to put my head down and just let this shit just simmer down until the new year but part of me is like fuck no, he needs to bring his ass down here. 

He told me he is not coming this weekend. I told him that is the 2nd weekend in a row he has nothing to do and his is choosing not to come fuck me. And I said I am not going to be struggling for dick. He said "go fuck the mailman" I said say it again D, I want to make sure I hear you right. He says it again and follows up with and if you do I will never see you again. 

I am so conflicted. I feel like he is withholding dick but I also dont really want it either. But if he says he is going to take it away then I want it even more. And the dance between us continues on. 

Aftercare

 I talked to D yesterday and I forgot all about that I wanted to talk to him about our encounter the other day. More specifically I wanted to talk to him about the fact I felt like a domestic violence victim and that when I verbally communicated with him that I needed some aftercare when that "scene" was done he did not give it to me. The encounter has left such a mark on me. It is not that we have not had those kind of encounters before - we absolutely have. The encounters that leave me with tears in my eyes and a feeling like I am being really violated. And I do like intensity and my body loves its but its emotional and sometimes scary. I feel like I am going to really (like for real for real) lose control of myself and fight for my life for lack of a better term. And when we have those intense moments I need some aftercare. I need him to lay behind me and put his arms around me and just talk to me. Or maybe just hold me. I just need to reconnect with him. In the past for the most part I have had that, but the other day I did not. It has really fucked me up. Its been on my mind all week. 

So when he called me today, I stepped out of work and took the call in my car for privacy. I told him that I wanted to talk to him about something. And I added that I needed "like a real conversation" about how I was feeling and I needed to know if he was in the mood for that. If he was not then I would have waited. I also added that I felt like he is so miserable lately that sometimes I feel like I can not talk to him at all. An he let me know right away that him still waiting to go back to work after his immigration issue was taking a toll on him. And in my head I feel like I knew that but christ it was good to hear him say it because otherwise I feel like it is just me he is miserable with. 

I start driving as we talk. I so gently try to ease into this conversation because I love him and I dont want him to think that I dont love playing with him the way we did, because I do. So I struggle at first and I feel him start to get nervous about what I am going to say. But I talk about how we need a safe word. He does not know what I mean by safe word. I tell him that I use the word Red. When we are fucking and I say Red he needs to dial it back and that is a way for me to let him know when things have went to far for me. I know years ago we talked about a safe word but I dont remember every using it with him. Im not sure he even gets what I mean by safe word. I tell him the other day got too intense for me and that I felt like I was really going to lose control and like fight him. He said " you would never" and I try to explain to him that I absolutely will, I feel it coming or felt it coming the other day. I start to cry and struggle to get my words out. I just share with him that it was scary for me. It just was a lot. And I pointed out that if we get to that intense place or any time we are together if I tell you I need some aftercare, that I really need to connect with him again. 

D is not a lifestyle guy. He is not familiar with words like aftercare and safe word. And I understand why he would keep going because I am literally having orgasm after orgasm so one would think that I would be into it. And it was not that I did not like it. It just scared me. Im not even sure why because I would not say it was the most intense scene between us. I find all of this perplexing. I feel like my mind and body are in disagreement on what happened and I can not really find the right words to give voice to what I am feeling. Maybe it was just at the end of it I just needed some gentle touching. I needed to feel loved and I did not get that. 

He listened to me while I tripped on my words, he asked questions and he told me he would give me what I needed next time. Not in those words but in his own words and frankly I needed this conversation with him all week. It was like I was still craving the aftercare I did not get. I felt like he listened to me and this was the kind of conversation I have been missing with him. 

We then firmed up our plans for Friday. I am looking forward to another day of fucking Friday with a break for drywall repairs at the rental property. 

What's my name?

 D came down the other day. I am still having some feelings about it. 

He got to my house about 8:30. I pulled up just a few minutes after him. He was already inside with his dick out when I got to my room. There was a little bit of heat between us this morning. I am not sure why, but he looked at me and I was like "what"? That seemed to start things off. I sucked his dick, he fucked my face a few minutes and he told me not to move. I wait there for him to come behind me and slip his rock hard dick into me. This position is my absolute favorite lately. Over the years I have had a love hate relationship with "doggy style" (I hate that name). I would love it certain parts of my cycle when my cervix was higher and I could take the dick with more force and I would hate when my cervix was lower around ovulation because it would cause sharp intense pain when he hit it at the wrong angle or too deep. But one of the bonuses of this this peri-menopause is that I dont get that sharp pain anymore. Im not totally sure why, maybe I am not ovulating anymore. Or maybe it is not as drastic as a change as it once was. All I know is that I can take a lot of long hard dick from the back and it for the most part is all pleasure and no pain. 

So we did that for a bit and then worked through all the positions and the things we do. When we were done that best was wet this time. I came a lot and really intense. I loved it. In the pauses between dick, we talk. I come in hot with "you are not meeting my emotional needs". I am so blunt. My man won't ever need to worry about reading my mind because I will always tell you exactly how I am feeling and what I need from you. Without warning I start to cry and it was a cry that I could not stop, I could not silence it just came. He is uber unimpressed with crying and says that "I'm such a child" all the time when I cry. He can only justify him crying once in his life, when his mom died, but other than that he says "cry for what"? I say the things I need to say but he is not receiving them. It is like he is putting up this emotional wall. I want to feel connected but he is not meeting me half way. He says if I was getting the dick everyday I would not be feeling this way and I 100% agree with him. Distance makes me forgetful of how I feel and how he feels. Him fucking me everyday would help me have tangible feelings about the place we hold in each others life. But in this middle ground when he is not here I need him to pick up the slack, but he is not. And he left that day with me not feeling connected at all. 

We fucked like 3 maybe 4 times and then we headed to Home Depot (the place we met 20 years ago) to get supplies so he could fix the drywall at my rental property. He does his happily and has never complained about it, for which I am grateful because I need him to do one thing the way I want. We go to the house. I am his assistant. I spend a lot of time intentionally bickering with him. He was on the ladder with his head in the closet and I pinched his ass. I thought it was hilarious. He did not. He likes to criticize everything I am doing now days and when I clap back and him he gives me this Master-esq vibe and look like he will punish me. I am growing tired of it. 

We come back to my house and we fuck some more and we talk some more. I desperately try to get what I need emotionally from him but it never comes. We had fucked enough and my kids would be home soon and he said something that pissed me off and I said " I am putting my underwear back on" which is really saying "you are done fucking this pussy". He tells me I dont get to make that call and gets up and rips the shirt I am wearing completly in half and tells me I should never have clothes on while I am this bed with him and fucks me. Now I am conflicted. I loved the vigor in which this man ripped my clothes from my body but that was my fucking favorite shirt. And I am not is sub-space anymore. (to clarify sub-space is a magical place your mind and body get to when you feel like you are serving your Master and your body enjoys pain and discipline). He was slapping my ass and I was not enjoying it. He was fucking me from behind and slapping my ass. And he knows I am not enjoying it but that brings him joy and he just fucks me harder and slaps me harder. It starts to feel like it is going too far. Like and intense piece of music where the notes just get faster and closer together and you know something is going to happen and he slaps me one more time and I jolt away from him and yell "stop". I turn my body and look him in the eyes and he gives me a very serious look and pushes me back down into the bed, then grabs my hips and pulls me up and starts fucking me some more. So I am having orgasm after orgasm. My body likes this, but my mind is getting pissy and starting to feel victimized. I stop reacting to the ass slapping but not before I screamed his name several times and screamed for him to stop. When it was over my body felt good. I liked the intensity on some level but my feelings are just a little too raw for this. I said to him I need some aftercare and he was not receptive to me. Instead of feeling like I made him happy I just felt like I irritated him. It has been a lot to process. It has taken me a few days even to give words to it. 

We bicker and fuss a little more but he softens and hugs me before we head down stairs. We spend some time talking to the kids and he leaves. He text me the next day about the next time to meet. And of course I will and I will love it but I need for him to connect with me. 

The whole day we had this argumentative energy with each other. And we were talking and he said to watch my mouth or I won't see this dick again until after Thanksgiving or maybe Christmas to which I said " those are bold words for someone who knows I have a two week limit before I need dick" and I looked into his eyes and said with my intensity of my stare that I will not be hurting for some dick! He hates my mouth, to him I am always saying some fucked up shit. 

I did call him JF again today. I forgot to mention that. He was loading the tools in my car and I forget what he did but he was getting on my nerves and I called him JF. He acknowledged it but let it roll off his shoulders but while we were fucking he brought that shit up again and made me say his name a few times. He was not happy. And I can not even blame him for that. If he called me his ex-wifes name I would be shook. I think that would hurt me forever. 

So I might see him this week again but I really wanted some dick today. JF finally came to take the kids out again and it was so nice to have the opportunity to rest and relax and not have to worry or feel guilt for not entertaining the kids. I dont need much to start feeling like myself again and start wanting some dick again.