Saturday, December 21, 2024

Default

 What a difference a year can make! I think about where I was mentally and physically this time last year and my life looks very different. I think it is noticeably better and more fulfilling. Mentally I feel strong. Emotionally I feel strong. I dont feel like a weak women waiting for a man to give me what I need. I feel like I am in my own place in life where I make the choices that are best for me and not take the shit that men are willing to give me. 

Big D came over the other day. We hung out downstairs for awhile, maybe two hours or so. The kids were in and out of the room. My daughter was comfortable talking to me in front of him (the oldest). This is quite different than what I have anticipated. My children have no issues with him being here, at least not that they have said. They are usually very vocal about everything so I would imagine they would tell me. They always told me if they did or did not like D being here. 

We eventually went up stairs but we just laid in bed for the longest time talking. Legs intertwined, naked, and just touching and talking. I felt so loved. Something that I have not felt in such a long time. We did ended up having sex. It was just regular sex with not much to tell but at one point he did have to firmly tell me to "Be quiet". We then fell asleep. When I woke up my body felt calm and peaceful. It was like I could physically tell that my body had been held and touched all night and it eased my nerves. It was an intense contentment, if such a paradox could exist. I had to get up to take care of the kids and get them off to school and he had to go as well so there was no time for morning sex but I was satisfied on such a deep level. 

I did have my court hearing with D. He did not show. I did not feel nervous to see him if he did show up. I did not feel anything at all. This was just another day of me taking care of business but when I heard our names called in court and I stood up and identified myself and said "Plaintiff" I just felt so fucking powerful. So many years of crawling at this mans feet has led me to this moment and you could feel the power in my voice. I received a default judgement and then filled out the paperwork to have his wages garnished. Now I just need to take care of the other legal matters with JF. 

I find myself thinking about Big D a lot still. I quietly notice some things about myself and how I react to normal things in a way that reveals my trauma responses. I am quietly talking myself out of these responses.  I imagine these negative feelings washing over me like a wave and I watch them recede from me as easily as they came to me. I try to remind myself that Big D is not D. And I do my best to move away from the patterns of a co-dependent relationship. Big D has done nothing at all to raise a red flag to me. I keep thinking about all the months I have been talking to him. I can not think of anything. At this point in my life I have trouble trusting my own instincts, but I am working on it. 

I did have a weak moment the other day where I almost had sex with the neighbor. More like if he was home I would have. He is out of town for the holidays so that worked out. I dont want to have sex with anyone else but there is just not enough time in the day for me to get the sex I want when I am not living with someone. And my sex drive is BACK. Over the the summer and September and October and November I did not feel the intense sex cravings like I always have but they seem to be back. The feeling that I need dick like I need air is indeed back. I forgot how intense it can be. I dont hate that it is back but it is just something else I need to learn to work with again. I dont think Big D understands what I mean when I say I need to have sex. I dont mean the next day or the weekend, I mean I need it like in the next few hours. I want him to get in the car and drive right to me when I feel like that, but he is an adult with obligations so I guess I can not expect that everytime. 

I am almost tempted to read my blog from a year ago, but I hesitate. I dont want to feel those feelings again. I dont want to get caught up in it. I just want to leave behind. 

Saturday, December 14, 2024

Who is that fucking me?

 The Moroccan man texted me yesterday. I have his name in my phone but Im not sure if that is even his real name at this point. A few years ago he caught me on the right day and we agreed I would blindfold myself and wait for him in my bedroom and he would come fuck me and leave and I would never know his face or who he really was. This added extra excitement for me because we lived in the same town and used the same grocery store. And so I would never know if the man looking at me in the store was him. We did this 2 or 3 times in my house. Then we did it in the car a couple time because I could not get alone time at home. Two moments of this short lived experience stood out to me. 

The first time we were fucking, I was completely naked, on my knees on my bed with him pulling my arms behind me with each thrust. His dick is average at best but in this moment he felt amazing. It was all the passion and vigor he was putting into this fuck and I could feel the intensity. It was one of the highlights of the sex video feed that plays in my head during quiet moments. The other one was in the car, I am not sure if we had fucked a little or not but I know my panties were off and he was touching me and blindfolded he leaned into me and kissed me. He kissed me so gently and sensually, I orgasmed from the kissing. And if you have read this blog at all you know I do not love kissing. But this was was incredible. It made tears come to my eyes and orgasm. It was incredible. Even thinking about it today I am torn as to if I can have that moment back. 

Sometimes these moments of incredible sexual energy and exploration can never be recreated but part of me wants to try. He suggests to me we just meet to kiss and touch. This makes me smile because that will make me beg him to penetrate me. There is no way he can kiss me like he did and me not want him inside of me.  Part of me wants to see him to see if the spark is still there, if the experience still thrills me like it did and part of me wants to not mess with perfection. I dont think he could ever top how he made me feel that night in the car with his mouth and touch. 

I also have been shutting down the team because my intention is to try to see just Big D at this point. I dont want to be fenced in but I also dont want to see anyone else right now. It is all fluid in my mind. I can go only react to how I feel right now and try to make choices that align with my current state of mind. 

Big D and I were talking about seeing each other last night. I ended up saying "Not tonight" as I was not sure that I was in the mood for company. Come a certain hour of the day I am really down with any idea of entertaining anyone. And that is really about 5pm for me now. We talked about today but he is not feeling well. I am really horny. I am horny like if I had a team member I could go see right now for some good dick I would be there. 

I have court on Thursday for the law suit with D. I doubt he will show up but we will see. I dont really have many feelings about it other than I wish I would have done it sooner. 

Tuesday, December 10, 2024

No Obligations

 Big D has been on my mind a lot lately. Way more than he needs to be. Saturday I was feeling spicy. I was not in the mood for sex per se, but I really wanted some adult company. I had spent the day doing kid activities and by 5p I just wanted to spend time with an adult, him in particular. So we talked about what we should do. Should we go out? And neither one of us wanted to go out. His kids at his house and my kids at my house. We ended up he would come here and we would just hang out. This meant I would need to talk to my kids about him coming over and also that D and I were not together any more. I have been procrastinating on this...just in case, but I think that is over and I think I have accepted that. 

So I tell my kids that he is coming over and no one cares but the youngest who excitedly asks me "what country is he from"? This made me laugh so much. This girl knows my type. He met her and he was comfortable and polite and it was good. We had intended on hanging out in the living room but my daughter wanted to lay on the couch so we went up stairs to "watch tv". 

We really ended up laying in bed with clothes on talking for a few hours. And then we turned the tv on to muffle the sound of him fucking me with his giant fucking cock. You know what I appreciate more than anything is the way he cares for my body. Fucking D was like an extreme sport and left my body battered. But Big D, even with his bigger dick does not hurt me, but I feel it in all the best ways. He left about 2am and I went to sleep. I did not want him to leave but I was anxious and afraid that my kids might need me in the middle of the night. Above all I want to make sure my babies dont need me and I am not there for them. So he left at 2am. 

We made plans for him to come over today. I worked from home. We laid in bed, we talked, we fucked, we took a ride and talked. It was good. I like being with him. 

But here is the big news. While he is fucking me he asks me if "this pussy is just his". I try not to answer him because I feel like this is a bullshit question to be asking me and I say "we are not talking about this now" and smile with him. Now I do not want to have sex with anyone else. I dont get  on dating apps, I dont have interest in anyone else, but I hate to be fenced in. I dont want to feel like I cant have sex with someone if I wanted to. I want monogamy the comes from desire not from obligation. So when we are done fucking I tell him just that. I tell him I dont talk to anyone else and I am not seeing anyone else and I dont want to but I want the option. I dont want to feel like I cant if I dont really want to. He does not take these words bad. He is kinda just listening to me talk. I ask him what he thinks about what I said, I can not remember his exact words but it was something like, ok that's seems to be part of you and that he liked me. Im not sure what that means but I feel good I was able to articulate that while monogamy is not off the table but that I am not in a place to where I feel like I would want to say I will not entertain other dick. But lately I do not want it. So we will see how that progresses. 

It was a long day of fucking and I am exhausted. But I felt like I had to get this off my chest. 

Wednesday, December 4, 2024

Here we are

 Here we are December of 2024. Just one year ago D and I were tight as ever, he was actively planning on moving in the next month and talked about how he would want me to take his name when we got married. Over the weekend I did file a lawsuit against him and my ex and then I have the child support case. I am feeling pretty good about it all. I feel like I finally have been able to stand up after so many years of crawling. I think I have made my peace with D. I dont know how I will feel in the future but for the last few weeks I have been trending in the right direction. It is always 3 steps forward, 1 step back. Healing and grieving is not linear and when I am sad I try to let it come to me and wash over me and then I let go again. 

When I spoke to the pychic a few weeks ago she gave me this "manifestation" prayer (for lack of a better term). I think that it says a lot that I was like no thanks that is not for me. While I miss him and want closure I dont know if I want him back in my life. I dont think he is really gone forever either. Maybe he is but I dont think so. Either way I dont feel like his slave anymore and I hope to God I can keep that energy when he does show up again. Pray for me!

Big D (the new interest in my life) has been fine. I have not seen him. I have been in a really bad mood because I have my period and I have found that everything he does or does not do gets on my nerves when I have my period. For example: Text me not enough, text me too much, not answering the phone, answering the phone and there is too much background noise, saying things that might imply that he is not a feminist. I notice he has a light touch when I have my period and probably for good reason. I know I have said it here a million times these periods are not joke lately and I just dont know why the entirety of a women's life needs to be hormone rollercoaster. I had to leave work the other day I felt so bad because of my period. I was sitting at my desk doing almost nothing and I was like I cannot sit here any longer, I must lay down on a heating pad. 

So, the other night after I had taken my Ambien, I "broke up" with the Neighbor. I would never have the confidence to do that had I not been in the semi-conscience state Ambien produces, but I told him I just wanted to have sex with Big D for now. He was cool and did not do that begging. I hate the pressure and trying to get me to do it. I had not even remembered that I did it until a few days later. But I feel good about that. The Neighbor and I have been fucking since the pandemic, but I just was not feeling it anymore. I might pick it back up again but not right now. 

There was this guy that I kind of had written off, he was the one I took the day off of work to spend time with and he fucked me and bounced. He reached out to me again and we were FaceTiming. I do like him. What I have noticed with him is that he is one person on the phone and very different in person. On the phone he says all the right things and is so charismatic and the sex is good but he is just a little awkward in person. Im not throwing stones I know that I can be too. But he perked up my interest a little bit with our conversation the other day. 


Wednesday, November 27, 2024

Trust Fall

He showed up. I was nervous about that. I hate to admit it to myself but D had me too fucked up to even understand that was a problem. He text me the "Im On my way!" text and before I knew it he was here. Today's vibe, a little bit different than last week. Not bad by any means but different. First let me start with I was hyper today. I dont know what got into me but I was needing a lot of mental stimulation today. I wanted to talk a lot, I also wanted to move around in the down time but I also enjoyed hanging out in the bed. He came in and we just go upstairs because why not that is where we want to be anyway. I was wearing a t-shirt and pants, but I quickly take my pants off and hop into the bed. I press him a little on this because if he wants to fuck me he will need to initiate things. We end up talking for like an hour while we lay in bed half naked. I felt really content in these moments. I felt like I was able to get to know him better and he is letting his beard grow in and I like that a lot. I just felt peaceful in his company. I enjoyed his touch and I trust him. It's a weird place to be to feel all those things with one man. I can not remember exactly how things moved along once we got tired of talking but they did. His dick was rock hard and felt just as fantastic as last week. And while I believe his dick is bigger than D's (although it getting harder to remember) he does not hurt me with it. Where D seemed to have took things too far at times, but that is part of the addiction with him was the high highs and the very low lows. There was hardly ever any middle of the road. Love Bombing or ghosting is my choice. 

I mentioned to Big D, that I wanted to try fisting with him. He had never done it but he was open to it. And damm if he did not go for that today.  Can this man get a round of applause. I asked and he responds positively again. And again he did not hurt me, as D sometimes did. I cant stress that enough. Sex with D always felt like someone beat me up or I did an Olympic sport or something. I used to love parts of it but some of it made me feel crazy by the end of the day. Why is it this man can fuck me all day with his big dick and fist me and fuck my ass and I am not in pain. 

You read that right. He fucked my ass. We talked about it and I was not sure because his dick is big but I said I was open to trying. He was so slow and good at reading my body. At one point I grabbed the lube and told him that I was nervous putting more lube on it because I was afraid it would just slip in too fast, but he reacted by showing so much restraint that I was putting it in my ass and backing up onto him. Anal sex is a trust fall for me. I have to believe that you will not hurt me and you will take care of me emotionally because it is  intimate. More intimate than regular sex. 

D always wanted me on my knees to do anal. And in all of our years together I only managed to do that with him 1x. I just could not get it from the back it just hurt too much. And the best part today was when our bodies seamlessly moved from the side to me on my knees and he fucked me from the back. I would be lying if I said D did not pop into my head. Look at me now D, look at how he can get the dick exactly how he wants it and you cant! Not only can he not that in 22 years he only ever managed it 1x. 

We rested and we talked. He fell asleep, I did some email answering and internet shopping while he slept for about 20 mins. I wanted to get up and do something but I also was not done having sex. We went to do it again and as we were getting right to the peak my daughter comes home with the other two kids. I caught her before they came in and told her she needed to give me 10 minutes because there was no way I was introducing this man to my kids. To be clear this man is great but they dont even know that I do not see D anymore and I am not up for the questions. So our day got cut short.  But overall very satisfying. 

Im not sure where my feeling lie here. I dont know how to want a man in my regular life and not just want him as a fuck toy. It is weird. With JF (the father of my youngest) we had a kid together immediately so it was easy to blend because we had to. But where do things go from here? How does one have a regular relationship? I dont know what this looks like. And as I type that I am reminded that my relationship can look like anything I want it to, but what do I want? 

Tuesday, November 26, 2024

A week of contentment

 Big D is coming over tomorrow. Part of me is expecting him not to show up because D has me conditioned to be ready for that. I would mentally prepare myself by not getting too excited for his visit. And if he did not show I was not devastated and could survive with out the crushing feeling of rejection. It is so sad that I was ok with putting up with that.  I am trying to let myself give into the feeling the Big D will show up when he said he will but I feel like I am not letting it happen. 

Since he last visited he is all I have thought of. D has not been occupying my mind like he once did. Instead of fantasying about D, it is now reliving the moments with Big D that come flooding into my mind during the idle moments. It has been a good week. 

I find myself trying not to rush my feelings and expectations, but I so wish for the comfort of a deep relationship that only comes with time. 

I notice I have been spending more time enjoying the company of my children. This is a result of my mind becoming more free. When my mind is cloudy with the sadness of the bullshit relationship with D then I can focus on other things. And also Big D makes my body feel as good as D did if not better and I feel like I am not searching for the next fuck. I have a lot of free energy when I am not searching for dick. 

More details when Big D leaves tomorrow....assuming he shows up. 


Tuesday, November 19, 2024

Pretty Huge Dick

 Today there is a different vibe in my house and in my walk. My chest is not heavy and my mind feels relaxed and calm. The reason for this change in my mood... good dick of course!

I woke up at 4am for some reason and like a cigarette habit I pick up the phone to look at it for no reason. And this guy I have been seeing sees I am online and says hello. In the middle of the night I ask him to come over in the morning. I was not stressed I was just reacting to what my body wanted at 4 am. Now this guy needs a name because I feel like he might be a major player. Up until now I have been on the fence but today put me over the fence and now I am interested. Now his name starts with D so that won't work but I feel like Big D works because his big dick is really a huge selling point for me. So Big D will be his name. 

He is like 7 or 8 years older than me. Which is perfect for me, because even when I was younger there was nothing more attractive to me then a 50 something year old black man. It is the sweet spot for me.  Physically I would say he is average, he is a little shorter than me. I am 5'9, so maybe he is 5'8ish, he shaves his head, dresses casually, has a home and car and is a contributing member of society. So a win in so many ways. He is not very dominant, or at least not the way I am used to. He is quiet and simplistic. I would say his is laid back, made to a fault. We talked for almost 3 months before we talked about sex. And I am the one the brought it up. Conversations are getting better. He reminds me of my first husband in the way that he does not need to talk the way I do. I like to talk. I like to communicate. Sharing ideas and stories and point of views but him like with my ex they just are wired a little bit different. I have noticed as we have become more comfortable with each other his conversation he is better and better and sharing ideas and I am am learning more about him. 

Two things happened that made me open my mind to him. His response to me telling him that his texting skills sucked and that I did not want him to text me unless he had time for a conversation. He was big on texting me then I respond then 3 hours later he texts again. But once I mentioned it he has been good. And I was also a bitch to him and he was not deterred. I can not highlight enough how big of a bitch I was to him. I was giving full bitch energy and he did not miss a beat. It is amazing. And men keep that in mind, women deal with so much and sometimes all the stress comes out a bitchiness. The least men can do is be the sounding board and absorb some of that bitch energy. 

He comes over today. I was not particularly in the mood for sex or for anything really but I told myself I am not going to initiate sex because I hate that. If he wanted to fuck he was going to have to make a move or we were going to sit and talk all afternoon. I did have a night shirt on, (picture a t-shirt just long enough to cover my ass) and I did slip off the panties before I sat down on the bed. He was awkward a little but he quickly took his clothes off and got on the bed with me. We kiss a little, I am not a fan of kissing. If I never did it again that would be cool with me. Before I know it he is going down on me. And at first I feel a little guilty for being on the receiving end of the pleasure.  He stops and I anticipate sucking his dick but no, he tells me to get on my knees so he can fuck me from that back. I told him we needed to do that since we never got to it the last few times. I happily flip over and prepare myself for this. His dick is big. I think it is maybe slightly shorter than D, but thicker than D maybe. It's pretty damm big. I dont realize just how big it is until he presses on to my pussy and has to work it in a little bit. For the regular readers you know that my favorite moment of sex is when the pussy is first stretched for that first thrust and true ecstasy when the tears fall from my eyes with the intense pleasure. There were tears of pleasure today and he slowly moved in further and before I knew it I was fucking him. And then he was fucking me like a young man and I dont have words for it. It hit the spot I have been looking for. We fucked for a good amount of time and he finally did come inside of me. We laid together in the bed, with his semi hard cock pressed up against my ass and we talked. 

His touch did not bother me today. I was open to it. I would not say I reveled in it, but it was okay that another man other than D was holding me the way he was. It felt good but it felt strange. He starting touching me again and I was rubbing his dick and like a mother fucking champion his dick was rock hard again and he fucked me from the the side. This was also an amazing position, this might have made me cry with pleasure. It was so intense. I think the different positions today really accentuated how big his dick is. He went down on me some more. He was trying to get me to squirt today but for some reason I could not do it. But he REALLY did try. He finally put my legs on his shoulders and entered me again and this time we made eye contact as he fucked me and I totally succumbed to the pleasure he was giving me. 

What it better than D? It was really a contender. I would say maybe overall score he would be better than D as D never makes me cum with oral. But I am coming with oral and dick. D is a different experience because there is that mind fuck there. But it has also been six months since I fucked D and  dont remember enough to compare. I need a side by side comparison. I do know that my body does not hurt after 2 hours of fucking. It was all pleasure and no pain and I dont hate that. 

If experience will tell me anything as soon as this thing with Big D takes off then D will pop up. 

Monday, November 18, 2024

I have died everyday waiting for you...

 I did a physic reading today. I dont know what pushes me to do these things but throughout my life I have found peace and guidance through input from spiritual guides and psychic mediums. They have been so spot on correct at times that I have been stunned by the things I realized were correct. Most recently was the one I spoke to in June about D, who did tell me that D would call me in the month and he did. He said all the things she had expected. They always let me know that I have the power in this situation. Today was no different. She reminded me of the things that I already knew. She confirmed that he loves me and he is being honest that he takes these breaks because he gets stressed. She said she sees us as soul mates and that it makes sense that I can not move on so easily in this situation. She said so much that all made sense to me but she also said he is coming back and he will not be able to finish the year out without contacting me. I dont know if I believe it but it gave me enough peace to get through the next month or so. 

I know we have all heard it all before but I love him with such intensity I can not articulate it. I know when I was married (to my white husband) he was always upset with me for the way that I would defend D. He would say "it is like D can do not wrong to you" and this is indeed how I see it. What D has done is so hurtful and upsetting to me but it is not lost on me that I do things that are just as bad sometimes. I am no angel and I hurt people - even people I love. I have an issue with sex and he has an issue with dependability. Who is to say which is more or less righteous? How am I not the villain but he is the villain every time? 

I think about how I have loved the men in my life and what that loved manifested itself to look like and what my boundaries were in those relationships. In those relationships I was defiantly not submissive or even an equal partnership. I led those relationships. I led them evidently right into the ground. With D, I can not lead, he leads and I am happy to let him lead, most of the time. And when I think of all the things he has done, I can so easily forgive him. I forgive him with my whole heart, and I jump in and I do it all over again. And like a badge of honor I carry that pain because there is never too much pain that I will endure when it comes to the people of love. And when I say the people I love, I really mean my kids, my family and D. who I do not talk to, if he needed me I would do everything I could to help him. 

Even my attraction to D is unexplained to me sometimes. I do not know why my spirit is pulled him so intently. It is not just the sex. The sex is amazing but I have had amazing sex with other people, most notably last week. Part of me hates this pull and part of me feels like without this tie to D I do not know who I am. How do I even exist with out D in my life. Be it D as my boyfriend, D as my sometime lover or D as baby daddy, without D I feel so empty. 

I am trying to move on so hard. I am going through the steps. I am meeting new people (even ones you do not get the details on here). I am keeping an open mind and I am trying to give myself time to understand how I feel and let me feel connected to someone new.  There are some people that sound great and there is chemistry with but I lack that drive to keep in going. Part of me does think I should not get invested because I know D will be back and part of me thinks that my world as I know has ended and I better learn how to love someone else. 

I still cant cry about it. I just can not get there. I want to cry so badly. If I could give it real world comparison I would say it is kind of like I have gone to war and I cannot acknowledge the trauma of it until I am home from the war. And once I am home from the war I will be devastated and there will be nothing left of me. But for now it's a battle and I have my war paint on my face and I push down all the sadness and I keep moving through each day until there is a resolution. And when the resolution comes I will crumble. 

This guy I had seen a couple times, he has no name. I think it is rather sad that the players on my team dont even get names right now. They are nondescript place holders until my world gets back on its axis. The last time he came over, I took the day off of work and he did not stay long and he left without making me come. (Im sure I blogged about it, about 2 weeks ago). He did not text me after that meeting until recently and he wanted to see me again. I told him I was disappointed in our last meeting because I had time to see him and he did not make me come and he came and he bounced! We had a good conversation but I guess there is something about him that makes me feel like he is not sincere. There is something that is not adding up and I am not sure what it is. He talks a great game but his actions do not reflect what he says. Well today he wanted to see when he could see me. I dont really have a lot of desire to see anyone really and I feel like he needs to just wait a minute. He is no longer a starter on the team. I was feeling pressured to let him come over and I told him I could do tomorrow, but then I canceled. He has not text me since I canceled but I dont want to feel pressured to have sex with anyone. I want to be left alone until I want some dick and then I will let them know. 

Silly men if they only knew I care as little of them as they do of me. I just use them for their body and I do not want anything extra. I prefer the men who text me maybe 4x a year. These are the situation-ships I live for. Just fuck me and give me some space. If I really like the dick I will call you back but I won't fall in love with you. There are no worries of that happening. In all my years of the slut way of life I only had feelings for one Dom, one guy, and loved D. The rest of them I might have missed them if I had not seen them in awhile and I might have enjoyed their company but I never loved them or even pursued them. And if I am being honest most of them are easily forgotten. 

My chest feels a little heavy tonight as I unload all this here. I feel like I need to disappear for awhile and get my head straight but I feel like I will do all the mental work and moving on and the second I feel in control of my life D will call me and come in like a tornado and it will all be for nothing. 


Friday, November 15, 2024

A little bit bothered still

 The other day I was thinking of a post and I was going to call in "Unbothered" because I have been indeed unbothered by men in general. Last weekend I was at the pool swimming and I got to the end of the lap and there was this good looking black man standing beside the pool. Typically I would feel something in my body and be sending out my down to fuck vibes but I truly did not want his attention. I was not worried about him in anyway and kept on swimming. That is a development I am not sure that I was quite ready for. 

The girls at work describe me as "man hating" in this conversation we were having. I was surprised by this and the one girl who has know me an over a year was able to vouch for me that I was not like this last year. It seems like D and the over turning of Roe. v Wade along with JF and men pulling money away from me has jaded me. And it has really jaded me in a deep way. I dont know if I will ever be the same again. I feel like there was a chemical reaction in my body to all this trauma and I can not ever undo it. And try as I might to move on I am just not succeeding. 

This guy I have been talking to for a few months came over again. He has been here like 3x. And I first I thought he was really into a relationship but I am not so sure anymore and I am not sure if I even want that. I only invited him over because it had been over a month since I have had sex and I assumed my body would want it but my mind did not want it. I can not stress enough I did not want it. It is like sometimes I eat to make me feel better. Not because I am hungry and not because I even want the food but I know sometimes I get physical comfort from it and I desperately need the comfort. 

We talked for a little bit and I was bitchy. He is not dominate like I am used to so things move so slow. This irritates me. Eventually he touches me but so gently and slow and I just want to push his face down to my pussy and make this shit move. In my head I am having this whole conversation about why am I doing this and trying to figure out if I like him or not and I can not tell. I have never been so out of touch with my mind and body. I just could not figure out what I wanted. Things progress. I suck his dick and his dick got so hard. It is amazing. It is the rock hardness of men in their twenties and I was here for it. I stopped sucking and told him to fuck me. He moves into position but goes down on me first. I dont hate that but I really wanted to feel the rock hard cock in the state I left it. If he goes down on me for like 20 minutes it will not be as hard as it was. But I accept the oral. He is really good at oral. 9 out 10. He makes me cum over and over again. He finally pushes that big cock in me and I am really feeling it. He does not fuck me hard enough but I think he worries about hurting me but we are working it out. The sex was really fantastic, he made me squirt a few times and I felt amazing. There was no connection. He came in me and then I wanted him off me as soon as possible. He was just hanging out on top of me and I pushed his dick out and went to move from underneath him. I just wanted to be left alone. I did not want to talk, I did not want to touch I just wanted to be left alone. This is weird because I thought I wanted some closeness, but I think I just want the closeness I had with D and he is not D. 

So today I am work and D pops into my head so I call him from my Google Voice number so he does not know it is me, as he has blocked my number. He picks up and says "Hey what's happening" and I say " umm where have you been, its been months since I have talked to you", there is a pause and he is still there but I can tell he is processing and I tell him he needs to start paying me back and he hangs up. It took him 46 seconds for him to figure out who it was and end the call. Well Im not sure what I was expecting. I mean I thought he would just say hello and we would move awkwardly through a conversation and it would all be okay as it always has been. 

I can not stress enough just how badly I need closure on this relationship. I know actions speak louder than words but it just makes no sense to me. Everything was fine and then he just disappeared from my life. And I want to grieve and I want to move on. I was the power that D hold on me to dissipate and let me even start to see if I can feel something for someone else. And how can he be so mean to me? He knows what this uncertainty will do to me. And as I say that I am reminded of all the times he has told me that even if he is not calling me that he loves me and not to worry. We have talked a lot of about this ghosting thing in our relationship. Sometimes I feel this sense of vigor well up in my body and I get mad and I say no more. I am not going to let him run my life from a far when he unbothered by my deep sadness. But as I think about cutting of the willingness of letting him back in my life I am certain that if and when he pulls back around I will be there. I will step right back into it because I love him and I have hurt him and I can accept that he has hurt me. 

I want to cry and rest and let my body process this but I can not get there. I think I need some kind of healing ritual, maybe some energy healing or reiki. I dont know but I need help. Dick is not doing it. Even good dick is not doing it for me. I feel so fucking stuck. I have to do something . 

Updates on the reckoning of debts among the  men.

JF and I have our first court hearing next week for custody of the children. I have put him on notice that if he does not pay me for the car that I am suing him for that too. 

D received his certified mail that is a demand letter for repayment of the money he owes me. I mailed three just to ensure he gets it. One to where he lives, one to his work and one to his ex-wife. Somebody better tell him he pays or we go to the court. 

This is not how I saw my life working out. I can not say that I am disappointed on where my life is but I am not totally satisfied as to where it is and why I have not been able to have a lasting relationship that I wanted in my life. I just always saw myself with a long term husband and gosh that is just not going to happen. No matter what I do the facts are the facts. I have had a lot of fun and I have lived my life exactly how I wanted but I am paying the price in another way. 

Now dont feel for sad for me 95% of the time I dont crave partnership with anyone, but tonight in the face of what I have lost with D, the level of intimacy saddens me. I still cant imagine being so comfortable with anyone ever again. I miss his laugh. I miss his laugh so much. I miss his energy. I just love to be around him. I am never ever going to be the same person after this.

Thursday, October 31, 2024

A little bit of Peace

 I started thinking about D a little bit today. Today was a hard day to swallow the sadness. I called his number and blocked my number. The call was sent right to voicemail. My heart started to race. Then I saw on facebook I reached out to his friend a few months ago and sent him a friend request, to which he accepted recently. And I thought to myself. D better watch his fucking step because I am not a reactive person. I dont act in haste and I dont do things without thinking them through but this fuck face man is going to make me befriend his best friend and fuck him and then fuck his brother and fuck up all his relationships. And then he will be all by himself drinking his beers all alone. And that brings me peace. 

Monday, October 21, 2024

Low Places

 I am feeling a little bit low tonight. I have been going balls to wall non stop this whole month. School is in full swing, sports are happening, fall fun is all around us and I am just up at 5am and non-stop til about 7pm. Tonight as I laid on my couch, where I collapsed after making dinner (still with my apron on) I felt low for lack of a better term. I tried to sort out what this feeling was. It did not feel like plain sadness. For a few moments I thought do I miss a man right now? And I even started to think that is what I missed, but I dont think it was that. What I wanted was for someone to clean my house while I laid on the couch and stared into my phone and escaped reality.  I wanted a good meal and a good sleep and maybe that was it. I tried to amuse myself with the men I talk to, but no one was paying me much attention to me tonight. Even that did not bother me. I really could not figure out what this feeling was and I could not articulate it.  This is odd for me. My ability to communicate my feelings is very good but maybe knowing what the feelings are or the root cause of them...maybe not so much.

I finally exasperated with myself, I text my friend a long text about how I think I miss having a man in my life and all this other stuff about how I might be feeling. She reminds me " we are just getting our periods" and that it is not the absence of a man that I miss. Ah yes, why do I never remember this? It for sure is my period that is creating this lowness. Nonetheless I want this feeling to go away. 

I have also talked a little bit about how I have been taking a GLP-1 medication and I have lost 37lbs now. The side effects for me is nausea. It is reminiscent of pregnancy nausea and it is is not fun. But I am committed to the mission. While I never aspire to be small I just needed to get healthier. I am getting there. 

There is nothing to report on D. I am gathering evidence I need him to sue him for the money he owes me and that is tedious and emotionally hard to re-read old text etc. But I am doing it. 

And because I am a true masochist I am also similanously finding the evidence I need to sue JF for stealing my car and shipping it to Africa without my permission. 

I need to give myself some grace because these are hard things to relive. 

There is a guy I like a little bit, I dont have a name for him. He is like 52 but seems to present a bit older to me. I like him but he does not text consistently and does not have meaningful conversations with me. And I dont remember even what he did last week but I texted my friend that he would need to move to the "dick only pile" meaning his dick is good but I cant get connected to him and he will only ever be just a dick. 

Then there is this other guy who is my age, that I like, he lives like a good hour away but I like him. He is friendly, I feel connected when we talk on the phone and when we text. He is responsive but we had plans for the day and he canceled on me citing he was not feeling well. 

Once you have been ghosted by a person I feel like you second guess everything. Were there signs that I was being left before it happened? I truly do not believe he gave me signs when we were together. It was business as usual and we were good. So I just never saw what was coming. 

My daughter, the  7 year old, said to me "I have not seen D in awhile". I said in the most Mary Poppins voice I could muster " Yeah, I know, I have not seen him either", she presses with "where is he"? I lie to her and say "he is working a lot lately and I have been working a lot lately"and I follow up for good measure "sometimes I see him a lot and sometimes I dont see him for awhile".  She accepted this answer but I silents cried in the darkness of my car as we drove home. I let D into her life and she really liked him. She liked spending time with him. He would pick her up and hug her and she would just love it. They would talk and she loved the attention.  She has seen D much more in the last 2 years than she has seen her own Dad. How did I allow to let two men break her heart? 

I am trying so hard to raise this child by myself and ensure she does not have Daddy issues but Christ men are fucking horrible. As I think back through my life I think about the men that shaped my life that participated in my life in a regular way. Lets deep dive that a moment? 

My Dad - not a bad man but too selfish to put his kids needs in front of his own needs. Unnecessarily burdened my mom and increase her instability as a mother.  

My brother - I have one positive memory of him. Just One! He was an asshole for a brother my whole life and as much as I loved him when I was younger he treated me like shit. 

My Male Soccer Coach - a local doctor who coached my soccer team in maybe 6 or 7th grade. He would touch all the girls in ways that made them uncomfortable but not in a clear enough way that it looked sexual. The last day I played on that team I remember him coming up to me for no reason and rubbing my back, and I said "Dont touch me" and he went in further with it and I physically moved his hand off of me and yelled "I said dont fucking touch me again".  I was 12/13 at most and had to assert myself to my coach to stop touching me. 

Male teachers, one was alcoholic, one they called a child molester (idk how he got the name but he was creepy af), one was ANGRY all the time and would throw shit at kids and dump their desks out on them. 

Male bosses : took advantage of me within the realm of work, overstepped boundaries that were work related, in the end created a hostile work enviorment because I knew too much. Fried me and I had to sue him (which was sucessful). 

I literally can not think of one male figure in my life that did not have serious flaws! There was not that many of them but they all seems to be so flawed and selfish and angry. 

But the women in my life even if they were not particularly helpful they were not harmful. I never looked at them and thought what a piece of shit. I never was a victim at the hands of a woman. I never felt unsafe among the women in my life. 


I m not sure where I was going with that but it was something I needed to say. Men need to do better. For some inexplicable reason men have always been allowed to be angry and scary and piss poor pseudo leaders and I am just so fucking tired of men. This male hatred had really been deep in my spirit lately. 

And I will say that there are some great men in my life now. My brother in law is a good guy, my ex husband is a good man, I know some men I play with that I feel safe with but I dont always feel safe with a man. And in a moment of great personal revelation it occurs to me that to be submissive means to not upset them. If I dont upset them then they will not be mad at me, because if they get mad at me I am scared of what they will do to me. 

Tuesday, October 15, 2024

25 minutes

 25 minutes of free time is what I had today. I woke at 6:30am and like a bat out of hell I start my day. And it did not quit until 4:30 when I dropped my daughter off for dance class. All the kids were at their sports and I had 25 minutes to do anything I wanted to do. I start with calling this guy I have been talking to. He is the absolute worst at texting but phone calls are usually good, so if I want to get to know him and build any kind of connection with him then I need to call him. He did not answer. So I went upstairs to make myself cum. I turn on some porn and I try to get it there. After about five minutes it is clear to me I am not going to be able to do this with out some dick. I text the neighbor, "Can you come fuck me right now"? at this time I had 14 minutes left.  I swear to God by the time I got up to let him in I see him pulling up. We are getting the clothes off while we are walking to the bedroom.  I start sucking his dick. He says "my mind has not caught up with my dick yet" which made me laugh. I love when I have a good laugh with a stiff dick. We fucked for 12 minutes, he did not cum, he asked me if I was good and I was and it was a win win. I did not need to deal with the cum, and I was relaxed and invigorated all at the same time. 

I wanted to invite the one guy, the bad texter, to stop by but he is not giving me the vibe I need. I want his dick but he seems a bit miserable. He keeps reaching out, so I dont know. 

There is another guy I want to see but I think I need to work tomorrow so it might have to wait til later in the week. I do just want to lay in bed and cuddle and fuck all day. I really want that. 

I did move forward with the child support being filed with the court. I did it yesterday. I feel good about it. I try to live my life by not making choices in anger or hurt. When I react I like to take the time to see what it is I really want to do. I took my time on this and I feel empowered on this. More legal shit to come. 

Enter to the scene D's brother. I have been talking with him. I am still figuring out how I feel about that but I keep doing it. 

Friday, October 11, 2024

....and I will still get the DICK!

 There is a revolution happening inside of my body and mind. My spirit has been woken and I feel a vigor and passion for taking control of my life that I have never really felt. 

I have talked about this desire to go to a Women's Rights Rally and how I feel like I could see myself setting a car on fire and all kinds of other shit. A button has been pushed inside of me and what comes after that trigger no one knows. 

The other day was so busy. I just had a million things to do, one of which was fix the home internet and I needed to go to the store for that. When I got dressed for the day I did not plan on going out. I had on this comfortable pair of shorts, which are a little bit too big for me, and a little long and quite frankly I look and feel a little butch when I wear them. Then I paired them with crocs because as I thought I am not on this earth to have men look at me. I dont want men to look at me. I dont want to interact with men on any level in public. I dont want a man to see me and want to fuck me. I want to be left alone to do what I have to do and I will let a man know when his dick is needed.  Otherwise please sit down sir. 

And what sums up my new feelings on this topic is something I text my friend yesterday. "Today I look like a whole dyke walking around town and I will still get the dick I want". Im done trying anything for these men. Am I even submissive anymore? That remains to be seen but I will tell you I am not feeling like it. 

So the update on D. I am not sure where I left off so there might be some re-telling of the same story. I finally gave in and contacted D's brother. I am glad I did. He said something to me that helped me put things into perspective. He said " Look at his work history for the last 10 years, he is not stable" and it was this reassurance that yes indeed other people saw his flaws. He loves him and sees his flaws and has kind of put him in a box and knows what to do with that situation now.  He did not have anything earth shattering to tell me but  it was cathartic and I am glad I did it. 

D has not called or text or emailed or stopped by. I had a therapy session about this. And I made peace with this. The therapist said something to me about "what do I feel is acceptable moving on" and it was like a light bulb went off for me. This does not need to be the end for D's dick. It is for sure the end of me giving him the gift of monogamy (or really close to monogamy) and entertaining the idea of us sharing a life together. That for sure is over and that feels ok with me. What was getting to me was this idea that when D shows back up, like I know he will, that I had to turn him away. I can still take his dick and send him on his way. I am very good at keeping men in a box per se and not letting emotions get the best of me. I dont just fall in love with men I fuck. I dont even like some of the men I fuck. Fucking is fucking and friendship and love are very different things. If D comes around again and I want to fuck him I will. If D's brother comes around and I want to fuck him, I will. If the neighbor or cone dick, or any other man on the roster comes around and wants to fuck then I will. I will do what ever feels good to me and I will feel zero guilt on this. This feels more in line with what D and I relationship has always been. I dont know what he felt like he need to fill my head and push this monogamous shit on me when I think we both knew it was not right for us. Either way, I feel good. 

With this new revolution is a fucking end of me feeling taken advantage of. I am filing for child support  and custody with JF. We have never had a legal agreement. I am taking him to court for stealing my car and I am D, who owes me a little bit of money, has be notified he needs to start paying me or I will be filing a claim against him.  The winds of change are blowing and I am so fucking tired of the dumb shit I have been through with men.

Having said that there are some men I have been talking to and it's going. I dont feel an instant need to be with them but they are keeping me entertained. 

I generally can not see myself living with a man ever, if I do not have to. Why would I? If my money is in a place where I can afford my house, car and my life what can a man bring me? If it is broke I fix it. I dont crave company of a man. Im not afraid to live a lone, go out alone, or be alone. Dick is really the only thing and a little bit of touching. That can all be taken care of when I invite someone over. I always reserve the right to change my mind but in this current state it just does not seem like a benefit to me. 

The two guys I am entertaining they have good dick and they they fuck well and they make me happy. Im not looking to change anything at the moment. 

Saturday, September 28, 2024

Roll Call

 Life has been just been moving. I have not had not too much interest in looking at how I am feeling lately. And so I tend to stay away from the blog when I am feeling that way. Sometimes it is easier not to get in touch with how I feel. But I am feeling a burst of self-actualization bubbling up and I want to document it. 

The Updates:

D- D has not called. I feel indifferent about it 6 out 7 days but there is about 1 day a week where I feel devastated. I did email his brother. I did not hear back from him either. Perhaps it is a family trait. I do want some closure with D. And I want is selfishly because I know that if I move on without it I will be so easy for him to climb back into my world and I dont necessarily want that. Once I grieve it and let it go I want it to go. I want to close that book and I want it to stay closed. If I dont get the answers I need the second he comes back I will be so willing to entertain him because I will still be craving him. I am working on it. It is a process of understanding and grieving and allowing it die. It's sad. A man that I have been willing to devote my life to for 20 some years has chosen to end our relationship and has not even had the decency to talk to me about it. It is tragic and traumatic and I dont know if I will ever fully heal from it. 

The Tinder Crew:

I have have met a few people of tinder with mixed results. 

T-shirt guy- Talked a good game but does some low key disrespectful things regarding my time an does not know or want to engage in meaningful conversation despite claiming he wants a meaningful relationship.  His words and actions were not matching. That situation is just slowing fading away. I only had sex with him once. He say something about his expectation of monogamy while we were just in the talking stage and I thought that was really strange. 

Island Man- I like this island man. His lives simplistically and I am so attracted to people who live simply and dont have drama in their life. We only had sex 1x too back in July. It was not bad and I would try it again. He is hard to understand on the phone and this is a barrier to us developing and kind of connection. He did mention tonight when I spoke to him he did not want me to be with anyone else and I told him that monogamy is a huge commitment and not where we are currently at in our relationship. 

Maybe Republican - He said he did not know who he was going to vote for, this made me angry. I just dont understand how you do not know how you are going to vote in this election. I did have sex with him 1x. It was not bad but lacked the vigor and passion that I needed. I want to feel exhausted and fucked when I am done. 

AC Man - He is cool. The dick is good, he is my age. He is not a strong leader in the bedroom and there is something awkward about it all. I can not put my finger on it yet but I am having trouble connecting with him. I have seen him 2x. 

Mr. Determind - He is a few years older than me. Age does not so much bother me but he kinds of seems older. We have been talking since June and I just met him Friday. He has a nice dick and he made me cum with his mouth countless times. This man invoked feelings for me. I fell into the feeling of submission with him. I wanted to give myself to him, I wanted to make him happy. He was so gentle with me and gave me so much pleasure. At the end I felt like I had not done enough for him. He really has sparked my interest. I am going to see him again Monday. He has reinvigorated my sex drive. I thought I was just not interested in sex but with him I am interested again. I would be there right now if I could. 


Other things are as they should be. I have not seen the neighbor, not sure if I want to. 

Saturday, September 14, 2024

Indifference

 Indifference consumes me most of my day in the last few weeks. I have this void of feelings and therefore very little motivation to blog as I just have not cared enough about anything to give it a place in these pages. I will get right to the updates. 

I had sex on the 28th with a new guy. His dick was supposed to be bigger than it was. It was not bad but he was on the young side and I dont know if I felt comfortable or not with him. We did not have chemistry. It was not hot. It just was sex. But I would do it again if I had to. I only went to see him because my body needed it. I was starting to have sex dreams everynight and I would wake myself up in the bed moving my hips like I was riding a dick. I had to do something despite not wanting to be bothered during my waking hours. 

D has not called in a little over 2 months. I dont really feel sad about this. I am apathetic to it at this point. There are days that I wonder what in the hell he is doing with himself and I think about forcing myself on him but I never do. I am not that desperate. If D does not want me, then he does not want me. I have been in this place before and it hurts so bad in the beginning and at certain times (Like our daughters birthday). But I try to keep my chin up and move on. And frankly if I found dick as good as his would I miss him so much? I wonder. And I am defentintly on the hunt for it. I need to test that theory. I have not come across any dick that comes close to D at this time and that is hard to swallow. 

I have this weird fantasy of D being at my house one day when I get home from work. And us just immediately start making out and go right to intense fucking. I am reminded of the sex we had when he got back from Trinidad. It was intense. We fucked right there on the kitchen floor. There was no even walking upstairs. 

The part that bothers me is the not knowing. I think about all kinds of stories of where his mind is at but I dont lose too much sleep over it. He usually passes my mind  once or twice a week and I keep it moving. In my head I know this is not that end, so I look at this as a break. But I could be kidding myself. 

It is a fine line about what love means. I get lost in thoughts of what I am willing to except. I get lost in the  thinking about what I want a loving relationship to be like. However I am always pulled back to love is not a choice. It is not a choice. It is something I feel like I have no control of, my body will tell me who I love and I will feel it in every part of my body. Love is not logical and it is not fair sometimes. 

The men I have been talking to over the summer are still on my texts, but they are not pursuing me like I need them to. They dont pursue they say "Let me know when you have some time" which just seems lazy. Man I need you to make sure I know you want me. I want to feel wanted, not like you are going through the motions. And I also want to feel that love at first sight. It was how it was for my ex-husband, for JF, and most definitely for D. I had big feelings immediately. And I have not felt that with anyone else. I want to feel it in every part of my life. 

And then there are the kids. Most days I think I will just be single until my kids get older. The thought of going out to see a man vs. laying in bed with my 7 year old while she drifts off to sleeps makes me feel guilt in my bones. They need me a lot. And when they dont need me I am so fucking tired I dont want to be bothered. I also find that seeing a man 1x a week and talking 1 or 2x a week is about what I want. That is where D and I were and that felt right to me. Talking everyday feels excessive. 

Overall I just feel like I am not willing to bring a man into my life because I think there is no room for one. I let D in because he has been part of my life for so long but that did not end well.

I am thinking of meeting a new guy Monday. I do need some dick and this guys dick looks to be big enough for me so fingers crossed he will make me feel what I am looking to feel. I want my eyes to well up with tears when he slides the dick in. Is that so much to ask for? 


Thursday, August 22, 2024

Another Day

 I have just been neglecting the blog because I dont want to think about so much and it really takes a lot of energy to put it all into words but here I am. Let's get right to it. 

D - I have heard nothing from D since June 27th. I dont know if I am surprised or not. I dont really expect him to call soon, but I know he will call me again. And what I think about now is what do I want to come out of my mouth the next time he calls. I dont want to be caught off guard and speak with something motivated by my pussy or worse yet my need to be loved by him. I want to speak words that give value and meaning to what pain he caused me. I want to honor myself and allow room for me to deny him access to me whenever he feels ready for it. I dont know if I will be able to do it, but I practice the conversations in my head. It is like I am preparing for battle. 

So since my last update I have just had sex 1x with a new guy. No name for now but it was good. It was sex, I did come a few times. I would have him over again probably but he does not pursue me and so I feel like I am not going to bother. I feel like D has made me hyper aware of when I am putting more effort into something than the man and so now I have kinda swayed the other direction. If a man wants me he is going to have to make a fucking effort. 

The neighbor tried to get me to come to his house tonight. I was so tempted but his family was out for like an hour and he has a camera and we would be fucking in his fucking house that he shares with his wife. It just feels a little too disrespectful for me. He says he has done it before and I am like damm that is so fucking wrong. I feel like cheating on your spouse is one thing but to be bring bitches into your marital home and fucking in your actual bed is a lot. Now having said that I did have D over to my house when I was married but my husband knew about it. (most of the time). Either way I feel like that shit bought me some bad karma and I dont want dick bad enough to do that. Can you imagine doing the walk of shame past his wife, two teenage kids, and his mom out of the house and then walking down the block to my house, while they all watched. I dont have words to explain how bad that would be. 

My sex drive is coming back. It took a short break with this medication I am taking for weight loss but it is creeping back in my life. It is not what it used to be but I feel it trending it the right direction. Down 28lbs now with this medication. That has been good. I am definitely starting to feel more comfortable in my body than I was a few months ago but still so far to go. 

I talk to a couple men here and there from Tinder but I am not feeling all that engaged. Frankly I find myself interested only when the mood strikes me and that might be 1 or 2 times a week. Other than that I dont care if I ever have another man in life. Like seriously I just feel like no man will ever make me feel the way I need to feel to want to include them in my life. I love D and I still had trouble imagining intertwined in my real life. Things like meeting my family, or like sitting at my sisters house watching the kids in the pool shooting the shit all day with my family seem like something I can envision ever wanting another person to be part of. Birthdays, holidays, vacations, at this point I am happy to do those things with my ex-husband over anyone else. Im actually wanting to do a will that includes my ex and his fiancé as guardians of my kids if something should happen to me and working on planning a vacation together. He feels like family to me and like someone I would prefer to spend my time with.  And to be clear this is not JF, this is my white ex-husband that I married in 2000 and divorced in 2011. 

JF left the country for a family emergency. I am still working on the custody and child support legal documents. He paid me $100 for July and August. I cant say that I am surprised. 

Im a little weary if I am honest. The situation with D really has knocked the wind out of me. I thought to myself maybe I should just go to his house. But that is ridiculous. I can not do anymore to make this man want to be with me. I just want the closure, or at least the ability to know what the fuck is going on. 

Now I did make a tentative dick appointment for tonight with this Jamaican guy I saw a few weeks ago. He lives about 30 mins from me and I would be going to his house. Now here is the fucking ridiculous part. I dont really want to go. I just want to go to bed. I want some dick and its been a hot minute but I dont know if I want it enough leave my house at 9m (bc his son needs to go to bed 1st). But I really want a fountain soda and chicken fingers from this restaurant near him so I am considering just because I dont want to make the trip just for chicken and soda. SMFH that is crazy. I think I am going to pass on all of it tonight, Chicken, soda and dick. I just want to go to bed. 

Saturday, August 3, 2024

Contradictions

 So this new guy is on notice. I can not quite tell if I am making nothing into something or if he is gas lighting me. And I hate that term but really it feels like that is what is happening. This was the 2nd time I felt this and I had to stand back and understand if it was me or him. We talked on the phone, I think he hung up on me because he was irritated but I'm not quite sure. Either way I feel like this one is a crash and burn. He made me cry over text today because he was using all caps and said SMMFH and I just thought that was a lot for the conversation we were having, Then he called me to clarify because we just were miscommunication but he sounded sweet on the phone but then did the quick hang up and I just thought that was weird, but he was at work. I dont know. But if I have to think that hard on it I dont think it is right. 

So I have been on the search for someone that makes me feel something. And I am struggling. At this point I have been acting like it is my job to find someone new and I have observed a few things. I dont even like men and I can not even believe there are men in this world that I have loved. How did we go from fucking to me loving them? Men seem so unlovable in my head right now. There are lots of men that are very attractive or at least some what attractive that I immediately block because I just cant ever see myself being with them. The image of me with them does not go together in my head. One guy got blocked because he had a white dog. Others because they look like they travel too much or there are cars in their profile pics. Some were blocked because they talk about wanting to have go out and have fun and frankly I can not even begin to imagine wanting to go out and spend time with anyone. But I am still lonely. What I am is horny and I want D to dick me down like only he knows how and then I want him to leave and come back when I want it again. And I want to go out to dinner or hang out on the couches of my friends more often. 

This place of disliking men is new for me. I see lots of men that look like they might be great men but my guy reaction is ick, to all of them. Like how do I get over the hump of looking at a man and just feeling disgust to loving a man. And maybe I am just pushing things a bit to fast. I know I am. But I need a new lover that can do what D did to me, or close. I cant love someone who can not make me orgasm. It won't happen for me. For me sex comes first and then connection. But the type of sex I want makes men see me as just that-they see me merely as the best pussy they ever had and not as someone who wants to be loved too. But I dont want to be loved all the time. Sometimes I just want to be left alone to handle shit in my life and I certainly do not need a man to walk up in here and start acting like he knows what I need. But I also need that exactly because I feel like I am most happiest when I am submissive to a man. It is such a fucking contradiction. I want a man to lead but I will fight him with everything I have to keep leading, but I desperately want a man to take the fucking lead already. 

And I am so turned off by white men, almost to the point that they scare me a little. Sometimes I see their picture and I am reminded of the "normal" looking Chris Watts. But I dont want to limit my search to only black men, because some white men can fuck. I feel like I am looking for a needle in a haystack.

Talking to men on the apps, they dont know how to carry a conversation, they do not ask questions, they do not ask to make plans. It is like they are waiting for me to do everything. If I have to do everything then I will fuck myself too and that will be that. 

Now having said all of that, there maybe some great men out there, but I feel like I need one who really wants to prove it to me. Im feeling just a little bit like I am going to be alone forever. I know to be careful what I wish for, the last time I wished for something it was another baby and I was pregnant a week later. Maybe I am just not ready. I need some closure with D. 

I also took a full body pic of myself today as requested. It was not good. I hate shit like that. I am the most modest slut I have ever encountered. Naked pictures no problem, fully dressed ehhhh not my favorite. 



Wednesday, July 31, 2024

Just a update

 Im still talking to the new guy. His nickname on here still alludes me so for now he is just the new guy. We spoke on the phone for a while today. I like him but I am surprised by my like for him and I just do not know how to act. Its weird for me to feel even open to allowing myself to make space for an actual connection. Part of me wants to impulsively tell him all the the bad things I know about myself and and say there it all is...can you look past all of it? Part of me wants to jump of the highway to a real relationship and go back to dick team building. I really can not tell which way this will go, it is a moment by moment type of thing. 

I spoke to JF today about child support. I think the conversation went well. I can not tell JF is the KING OF BULLSHITTING and he knows how to make shit look like gold. Im cautiously optimistic. I am not expecting perfection but I am hopeful of at least of an improvement. 

Still no contact with D. 

Tuesday, July 30, 2024

Too Sick to Text?

 Yesterday was really not a great day. I've been a really weird place for that last two months. It's not all D. There is an extreme difference in my sex drive since I have started taking Wegovy(a weightloss drug). So it has been like a dead zone. And part of the reason I had sex with the new guy the other day was because I felt something and I felt like I need to monopolize on that feeling. My friend who has taken the medication noticed her happy thing is much less important to her since she has been on it and provided me with some anecdotal evidence that are looking into this drug as a treatment for addictions. I talk about there being not joy in my life. Food stopped giving me joy years ago when I started different procedures and things to lose weight. So I was prepared for that part. I dont rely on food for joy but I do indeed rely on sex. And without it I am feeling so fucking lost. I just dont know where to turn. I literally can not identify my emotions. Am I happy... eh maybe? I could be sad but it all just feels like apathy and indifference. Im trying force it a little because it disturbs me A Lot. I can not tell you how many times I have talked to my friend about a guy and I have said "He is good looking, nice dick, can hold a conversation, polite" and yet I cannot get any feelings for sex. She assures me this will pass. She said it was a good two months but as she leveled out her dose she notice it picked back up for her. She said a lot of people she knows quit right around this time.  Im not ready to quit but I need to feel something again soon or I might have to reconsider what I am doing. 

So, the new guy, the one ghosted me. Here is where we are, last night he texts me and seems to have just seen my message. So he says he was sick. Am Im just like hard eye roll... I dont think I have ever been so sick that I can not pick up a phone and type out the words "I'm sick, I text you tomorrow". Is that so hard?

Is this normal behavior? I would do it if it was a friend I do not talk to ever. I would NOT do it if it was something that was brand new and I just fucked someone and they are looking to connect with me after being very vulnerable and letting into your life just a little bit.  I would muster up some energy to be like I am sick. And so I guess he has food poisoning as Im not sick. I feel just fine. It all seems a little suspicious to me. Although I am like a skittish dog who has been beat all its life because D thinks ghosting me is just like normal operating procedure. So I am not sure if I over-reacted but I dont feel like I over reacted. I feel really validated in my reaction. I frankly feel like my reaction was blunted for slight that I felt by it. 

Although he did say something in a heat exchange about me thinking about myself, and did I think maybe it could be something going on with him. Ok, well excuse me but is it odd to think of yourself first? It really does not seem to be wrong to me. I feel like I put myself first so little but these men seem to think I am always disregarding them and doing what is best for me. Of course sometimes I do but jesus so much of the time I am bending to their will. 

I have an appointment for my first bit of legal advice to establish custody and child support. I had some time to think yesterday that JF would be able to skirt child support if he lived closer and wanted the kids 50/50.  I dont think he would want the kids 50/50 but I do think he would do that to get out of paying child support. It gets so complicated. I also found the process of filling out the forms distasteful. I just feel like surely we made these children together we can make an agreement together. I want what's best for both of us. He thrives, he is more present father, my kids win. I want nothing but good things for him but I need him to take child support more seriously. Im keeping my appointment for legal advice but in a few days I am going to set up a time to talk to him so we can have a come to Jesus conversation before I start filing things with the court. 

I have always been on the side of single mothers but when I looked at these documents that needed to be filled out I felt so small and unprepared for the legal process. Im college educated and familiar with contracts and some of the language used but it still felt overwhelming to me. I think about the women who have to do this who are not so educated, who are not safe at home, who are confident. Mothers are strongest beings out there. I am often amazed at the shit some women can accomplish and they do it with so little support. Our burdens are heavy and yet still we rise. I do wonder how we ever let me get ahead and lead the way they have. I have not met a women yet who does not inherently believe that men are stupid and we just tolerate them for the companionship and dick and sometimes financial leads it brings. Trust me when I say I have NEVER met a women that was not open and candid about how we really feel about men when they are only in the presence of other women. I say all that but I am still chasing dick and crying about D, so what does that say about me? 

Today has brought a little less stress and a little less angst in my chest. Im feeling less slighted by life and more focused. I do need to get my kids back in school so I can have some alone time. I am counting the days. Kids in school means time during the day to fuck in my own house. I think that will be good for me. 

Sunday, July 28, 2024

Life Just Isn't All Free Blow Jobs

 The low just seems to be getter lower for me. I am not exactly sure where to turn next but I think I need to change something. Right? I mean if I keep doing the same thing in my life and expect to see a different result then that would be crazy right? 

Tonight in my sadness I want someone to just lay with me and hold me. Let me cry and hold me. I so desperately miss having a partner in this life. Even D who was the a partner who just gave me the bare minimum but it was enough to make me feel connected to someone in this world. It was enough for me be able to wake up every morning and slap on a smile and raise these kids by myself and feel like I am carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders alone. It was tolerable because I knew about 2 times a month I would have a whole day with D when he would see me as myself and not just a mother or an ex but he would see me for me and he would give me all that I needed in that time. And it was not all I had ever hoped for in life but it was enough. 

What prompted this lowness tonight, well men of course. My daughter is talking about her Dad moving close to us and that he told her that he was moving. So I texted him to ask him and she had not quite the whole story but he is "trying to get a place" in a city about 40 minutes from us. Not what she was thinking so I want to set her expectations. She also does not know that her Dad is full of absolute shit and that he has not made any steps to move there but he is rather just thinking about it. It is good that she does not know that the truth is subjective to him but I know sooner or later she will figure it out. In the text back to me her referred to his girlfriend as his fiancé. This part did not bother me, because I know he would do what he did to me to another women. He needs someone to bank roll him. 

So the guy from yesterday, the new guy, has been radio silence since yesterday. This is not a big deal, or it would not be if it was a sharp shift from his level of communication before. I assume he has decided to move in another direction and that is not a big deal to me on the surface. But it just took so much from me to open myself up to allowing myself to even entertain the idea that I could be interested in another man that it feels like a gut punch that yet another man has just ghosted me. And did this bitch really just ruin my whole Saturday I had with no kids. It felt a little like he just fucked me over for fun.

Is it me? What am I doing that makes it so easy for men to treat me like I am nothing? And Im just asking for the human decency you would treat any body with nothing special. I would not ghost anybody. Alright, I do remember one guy I did. I did not know how to tell him. I felt horrible and I just could not tell him that his voice was so feminine that it was a complete and utter turn off. So I did do that. But in general I am very upfront with people. I tell them things that are hard sometimes, in the nicest possible way. I never ever want to intentionally hurt someone and if I knew I had to let someone down I would do it in the most loving way I could because we are all just human beings who need a little love. 

I needed love today, so badly! I spent some time on my best friends couch talking about all the things. She understands me and she loves me and she knows that D has devastated me and I am just not the same as I was. After that, I made my kids dinner and then headed out in my pajamas to talk on the phone to my mother and listen to sad music in the car. I went to get my self a water-ice I have been craving. I drive to the next town over, wait in their 15 minute drive through line and realize I forgot my cash. I can not go to the atm because I am in my pajamas and barefoot. I call my ex-husband who lives in that town and I just say "Do you have any money in your house I can go in and get" before I even get the words out of my mouth he starts telling me where the money is at. I dont need to explain, I dont need to justify, he did not even ask how much, he just started telling me where it was, and that was that. And I already know the codes to get into his house so I ran into to grab the $2 I needed but I felt so loved and taken care of by him in that moment. He is one of my people in my life, I know I can count on him, always. And I never wish we were still married and I love his fiancé. She has become such a part of my family too and they are just the best. He has fucked up from time to time but he is truly a ride or die kind of friend and I will be forever grateful. 

I got my water ice and parked my car at a park and listened to my sad music until I could finally cry. The song that threw me over the edge what "The Sound of Silence" by Disturbed. I finally could cry and it felt so nice. I did not cry long but long enough that I felt some relief. I finally had enough and now I am home, tears rolling down my cheeks as I write this. This is just a season of sadness for me. If I am being honest I feel little like I have hit a breaking point, I just want to get away from it all but nothing is giving me a break. I dont feel the sadness lift no matter what I do. 

There is also rage. I am done fucking around with JF. I have given him years to get his shit together and now that time is over. I am going to draw up legal custody papers and child support order as well. And for you long time readers, I am also going to look into if I can still sue him for the car he stole from me. Im really done now. I can see clearly now with JF, I dont love him anymore, that has finally passed. 

Maybe I just put my head down and focus on the details of life and push down the desire for companionship. I was talking to my mom like if feels like relationships are all in the pool or all out. But I just want to stick my feet in or maybe hang out by the steps but in the pool of relationships I do not want to get all the way wet. Or maybe I am just salty about right now. But when I would think about D hanging out with my family on holidays or me with his family I would cringe at the thought. I dont want that. I dont think I ever want that. I am just talking shit now... I am in a dark place tonight. 

The neighbor text me and asked me if I was ok. I text back this long text about how I am not ok, to which he replied "so sorry" and I was laughing about this with my friend and she said she was glad I told him how I was really feelings because he "needs to know life just isn't all free blow jobs". God she makes me laugh. But true men have gotten away with too much shit with me. I tolerate too much and always give people the benefit of the doubt. And I dont want to be labeled as a "needy" women but I need to acknowledge that I do have needs. 

I feel that shit deep in my chest

 So its 6:30 on a Saturday night and I just took my Ambient because I just want to go to bed and not think about any of it. I am so deep in the feels right now I am struggling but still in a weird way there are lots of feelings but I still feel kind of numb. Lets just get on with it. 

So like the holy trinity I had all 3 of my kids leaving my house today at the same time. All three of them would be gone from 11:30a to 5:30p. They were going to be with their respective fathers and I would experience a brief taste of freedom. I mentioned the to the new guy the other day as just like I will have a few hours to kill if you want to hang out Saturday. I told him I would firm it up with him on Friday to make sure, which I did, and he said he wanted to come see me. 

Im not sure how much of this I posted yesterday, so I apologize for the duplication if any. This morning I text him if we were still on for 11:30a and he said "Yes" and I was frankly surprised. A man who is following through with what they said, that is extraordinary. I was very nervous. Getting all the kids out of the house on time and getting ready. Making sure my house was giving the right first impression and that my bedroom is not too cluttered with kids stuff. Although I did not want to have sex, but I like to be prepared. There would be nothing worse that coming upstairs unexpectedly and my room looks like a drug den hotel room with dirty clothes all over the floor and empty Dr. Pepper cans. It is just not a good first impression. 

JF pick up the kids. His girlfriend came with. They both sit in the car as the kids go out. I wave, no one acknowledged that I was even there. I feel feisty about his inability for JF to be polite. This was a man that would Jehovas Witnesses into my house on the grounds that he "is always polite at least". I focused on this for a minute and then I went to sit on my couch and wait for for the new guy to show up. 

He did not tell me when he left and he did not give me an eta. I said 12n, he was there at 12:30. Lateness pisses me off. A lot. Probably more than it should but some people will never understand when you life is scheduled and occupied 98% of the time when you say a time you mean that time and you not showing up on time is just like a fuck you. I was not to upset about this when he showed up. Frankly the bar is so fucking low on expectations of a man I am just kicking it down the street at this point. 

He greets me with a hug and I let myself enjoy it. I really enjoyed it. I invite him into the living room to sit and talk. He tells me about his trip down here. He said he got about 1/2 way here and his daughter said she needed a ride to work for 2:30p. I said that was not good and I was disappointed but not surprised. For some reason I did not expect happiness and a good time from today. I know I am starting to sound like a downer but I just always expect for a man to let me down and they ALWAYS do. Whether it is a dick team member, a husband, a partner, a baby daddy they always fuck up and they are quickly loosing their luster to me. 

I think when he told me that he my face probably dropped. He asked me what I would have done today if I would not have hung out with him. I said I would have hung out with one of my friends. I got like 2 friends I would like to hang out with and I would have been with one of them, maybe, or maybe cone dick would have been dicking me down. I found this question odd. Did he have obligations today but still came to see me briefly to cock block me from another BBC? I am suspicious of that. He said he is going to see if he can get back here in time before my kids get back. We live about 40 minutes from each other and he told me where he needed to go, there was no way he would be back for any meaningful time. So I was like can your [adult daughter] take an Uber to work? He said she had a bad experience with that and she was not comfortable with that. Im not sure if I was able to hide the eye roll or not but I thought that reason was weak. 

We talk a bit and I dont get real involved because there is a time crunch and he is not telling me a time he has to go. But the time comes he wants to kiss me and say good bye. He kisses me on my neck while I sit on the couch. He smells good and I like a warm body so close to mine and my legs start to spread. It was like out of my hands at that point, I told him to follow me upstairs. At this point Im going to at least test drive the dick. Im going to fuck him and cut my losses and move about my business. I suck his dick. I am not feeling it. No particular reason I did not love it I just was not feeling it. He took a video of it. If you see it at the end of this post then I figured out how to add it to the post, if not you will just have to imagine. I notice on my face that I look stressed. I dont look like I am having fun and it is because I was not. We changed paces and he got a condom, which can I just say that's a win! A man who brings a condom and wears the fucking thing with no fucking complaining! That was so nice. He did get points for that. The dick felt good. He was good and fucking but he came too quick. I did not come, although I do not know if I would have even if I got enough time to. He got ready to go. We hugged good bye at the door and he said "I will let you know what I am doing, if I can get back down here". I just said Ok. I walked directly upstairs grabbed my vibrator and my phone and turned on my porn and spent about 25 minutes trying to fucking come. By the end I was sweating but I got it. A very small orgasm and just one but I did manage to get it. It has been months since I have been able to make myself come. Months!

So he did text me how much he likes to be with me (in my presence) and it was good to see me. He did not follow up on his plans for the rest of the day which I was not expecting but I was feeling so lonely. I had all this time alone and really nothing to do. The lonliness was eating me up. I was sad and I really wanted to be with someone, not even sexually, just I did not want to be alone. I made the best of it and went to the store, got myself a coke from McD and laid on the couch in the silence of my house watching Tik Tok. 

My kids return home from their day with their Dad. They walk in with toys from Target, about a $100 of toys from Target. I bag of leftovers from their dinner at the Cheesecake Factory, and wristbands from their time at the trampoline park. So this piece of shit can not give me money for their education or even get his son a hair cut but just dropped $300 in a couple hours. Meanwhile I am struggling! Not to mention I have wanted to go to the Cheesecake Factory so bad lately, that just added insult to injury. Im taking him to court. I have had enough. I wanted to believe that he would do what is best for his kids and I want him to be able to have fun with the kids but fuck I want to be able to feed and educate them and keep them in a house. Im was feeling so rageful about this. I can not even begin to articulate how this knocked the spirit out me. I felt so passed over and worthless in this moment. He does not even respect me enough to make sure we have the basics. I know he knows my parents will always take care of me if they can but jesus I can not do this anymore. I have nothing to lose by taking him to court. 

D told me to do this a long time ago, I am sorry I did not see his point on this sooner. 

After I sat with the kids and smiled and helped them put their toys together and loved on them, I called my Mom to vent. Kudos to my Mom because she does not always know what to say to help but she does try. I talk about "do I even want a relationship" and " this has not been a good year for me", I tell her D and I still are not talking and she is surprised by this. I want to tell her about the new guy but that seems like too much to share for someone who may not make it to Monday. 

It is this place of having to choose your future that is paralyzing to me. I have to choose to put JF on child support, I have to choose to pursue a real relationship or not. I remember feeling like this when I was trying to get pregnant with my last baby. It was the choice I was willingly making to bring another child into this world, not like the other two that were just there before I even knew what was happening. 



Im fucking mentally spent. So I

took a fucking Ambien and got a fucking shower and sat down here to empty my mind. 

Friday, July 26, 2024

Mentally Moving Away From D

 I have not talked to D in maybe a month. I have not been counting. I have been going through a process of trying to let him go. I try to imagine my life without him. I try to allow room in my mind for other men to be as good of a lover as he is. I allow myself to fantasize about what a relationship I want look like. Just that shift of trying not allow my thought to romanticize the antics of D has been helpful. There are moments in my day and come out of no where and I feel it deep in my chest. It is this feeling of panic and loss like grief is washing over me. I take a breath and I put my head down and I keep it moving. 

The new guy... So I was excited about the new guy and then I was overwhelmed about the thought of letting myself be vulnerable with someone. Even as I type it out I feel the angst in my body. It would just be so easy for me to stay single and just fuck people the way that I do and get my happiness on the good periods of the relationship with D. But I want better in my life. I want someone to share my life with, I want to fall in love again. I like loving someone and being deeply connected with someone. That might be surprising being that I generally just keep a dick team with little connection with my team members. 

I met the new guy in person the other day. It was a good meeting. He is attractive, and well spoken, educated, has a good job, a nice car, a personality. I liked him. When I was with him I just wanted to make it stop, I could feel myself trying to not allow myself to fully absorb what he was saying. Almost like a child putting their hands on their ears and saying " I cant hear you". It just felt like A LOT for me. It was overwhelming to me to think that I voluntarily showed up to meet a man that I want to fall in love with. It was a turning point of my walking away from D. I wanted to feel something when I saw him, like with JF I knew I was taken with him, but I was not allowing myself to feel anything at all.  When we parted ways the the feelings started to come. I started to allow myself to feel something. I feel excited for what this might be but I am also so scared. All the emotions are raw. I feel like as I move forward with getting to know someone with the intent to have a relationship I have to keep my head in check. It will take almost nothing to derail my thinking and for me to sabotage things. 

The Neighbor reaches out often. I can not be bothered to deal with him. The last few times the distance I kept between us while we were actually fucking made me feel like I am not doing what is best for me. I mean I just dont want dick so bad that I am willing to have such a disconnect experience. I know since I have not seen D I am missing the connection more than I am missing the dick. I have not even had a feeling to masturbate. The last couple times I have tried I have gotten no where.

Overall the emotions are running high and I just keep trying to beat them down into submission. This guy seems so normal and with lots of the same values as I have and made me feel good when I was with him. I am going to see him tomorrow. I am nervous about that. What if there is no connection? What if we have sex and it is not good? OMG I am so nervous! My stomach feels like I just got off a roller coaster. Updates to come tomorrow. 

Friday, July 12, 2024

New Guy

 There is this new guy on the scene. I dont know what his nickname should be, he is just the new guy, and new new, like I have just been talking to him of the week, but I feel excited about it. Or I did. All week I have felt excited and almost butterflies and maybe some sexual excitement. Today I have got in my head a bit today. Really I saw a picture of D and my body just felt sadness and desire to be with him. And all the butterflies for the new guy disappeared. 

Im pressing on, but I am somewhat disturbed by how dead inside I feel about any sexual activity with anyone. And how I can not imagine what sharing my life with someone new would be like. There defiantly feels like there is a significant block. The new guys dick pics did not excite me and I love a dick pic, and it was a nice dick but Im just like eh. 


I have not talked to D since the last two week or so ago. 

Saturday, July 6, 2024

Just Out of Reach

 I have not talked to D since the other day, Im not sure what day. When we talked we both laughed a little about the state of his life. I may not be articulating that quite right but it was a moment where we both just kind of shook our head and was like "this is ridiculous". 

To sum it up I am just not thinking about him. I love him and all that but much like I have done in the past I have to put my feelers out there to see what it happening and if the universe will send me someone I can fall in love with and will sweep me off my feet. The last time the universe sent me JF, and well that lasted a good 10 years. 

The Jamaican has called me a few times. We are talking a little bit. He has a strong accent and I am good with accents but it is hard over the phone. I did not have trouble understanding him in person like I do on the phone. He does not love to text and so here we are. I dont have a burning desire to see him again but then again I do not have a burning desire for anything at the moment. 

Over the last 2 years I have gained weight and I and I am just not feeling at home in my body anymore. My body feels like it is controlling me rather then me controlling my body. I am getting older of course but my weight has felt like it just got to a place where I was not comfortable. This is mainly due to my meds I take to manage depression. It is a double edge sword. I can not imagine my life with out the meds but I really noticed their impact on my weight. 

So I have started on Wegovy to try to help me lose some of this weight. I have lost 15lbs so far and I am feeling more and more like myself each day. I am never going to be a small woman but I want to feel better in my skin and not feel uncomfortable like I had been at my highest. But with this meds comes some side effects. So one is nausea. It is not too bad, and really just started this week (the 4th week). But I have noticed that I have not been able to orgasm. Not by myself, not with the Jamaican, not after the Jamaican. I can not get there. This problem is not something I used to. I can usually make myself cum pretty fast. I need 30 secs to maybe 5 minutes tops and sometimes I cum with sex as soon as the dick gets inside. I was talking to my friend about this and she had said that the medication does work in the brain on pleasure centers and they are doing clinical trials on the med to see if it can be used to treat addiction. So while I thought maybe D just devastated me with his bullshit this may be more of a side effect of this medication. And that frankly is sad. I need to loose some weight though so I will take it and try my best to see if I can still have an orgasm.