Friday, February 16, 2024

A win is a win

 You know I had been keeping my phone right by my side waiting for D to call me not wanting to miss his call, as I was sure he would call. And in true D form I get into the shower and soap up to here my phone ring and I know it is him. I shut the water off and grab the phone and stand dripping and cold in my shower while we talk. We get through the initial hurtles that are there when this kind of argument happens and he says to finish my shower he will call me back in 15. I dont want to get off the phone but he reassures me he will call me back. I concede. I finish my shower with a lighter energy from just hearing his voice. He calls back. We get right to talking about the logistics of when I will get to see him and what our schedules look like. And then we circle back around to the last call where he hung up on me. 

I felt like I needed to reminded him just how hurtful what he said was and he acknowledged but added "how do you think I felt, I was hoping to hear that you missed me, maybe you needed to see me but you just jumped right in on shit". This is 100% true. I did do that and I told him if he was checking in with me more often then he would not have me coming in hot like that because I would be talking about how I was feeling a little bit at a time and not all at once like that. 

He did make a point to me about the tone in which I take with him sometimes. He has often complained about it but he has not articulated well what exactly it was, however, this time I made the connection. It is exactly the way my mom sometimes talks to my dad. She will talk to him like a he is a child but more importantly a child that she hates. They are in their 70s and she still does it, and to be fair he does it to her at times as well. If you can think of two of the most toxic, ill equipped people to have a marriage, 3 children and the stress that comes with that was my parents. That is what I saw two people who I knew loved each other talked to one another. I remember JF talking to me about how that's not good to talk to him that way. As much as I hate to say it he coached me a lot through that and helped me make sense of what a loving adult relationship looked like. I am not perfect and despite some self awareness and desire to treat people I love with more kindness I do default to this style almost bullying like behavior. Him pointing it out to me today in the calmness the distance gave us both helped me see that it is still something I need to be conscientious of when I talk about something that is a hot button issue for me. 

At the end of the day, I love him and I did not want to cause him more stress but he also was not responding to my stress how I needed him to. Having said that, when I come to him and talk to him respectfully about how I am feeling he always responds positivity to that. He will sometimes say "its not a good time" and we will come back to it, but when we talk about it, he listens and he often apologies sincerely and will acknowledge the areas he is not great in and says he is going to make an effort to improve in those areas. I see all of that. He far from perfect but I am too. 

He came down today. I have my period. To be clear it is the 2nd full day of my period. This was high flow day and I was shocked he chose to come down. I offered Sunday and he said he preferred today. 

I had work to do and I had two appointments I was trying to keep up with today as well. When he came in I was in the kitchen addressing my work emails. We talked a few as I finished and we went upstairs. My house was all still asleep and it was just the two of us. I think it was 830a. We retreated upstairs. My bed a mess from sleeping he climbs in and we move together as we do. At first I think about my period a little or a lot as he slides his dick inside. It is wetter and some how it feels warmer and he does not miss a beat, I dont think about it again until I start squirtting and he finally finishes. He pulls his dick out as reminds me my pussy is bleeding as the white sheet has now a red wet spot and red splatters all over the bed from the squirting and fucking. I loved that he did not think twice about this. We laid together after this, he did not need the bed cleaned right away, it was just business as usual. 

This acceptance of me in this state of bleeding turned me on. I wanted him more. I wanted to do nasty things with him. I wanted him to do nasty things to me. I was in a trance like state for the rest of the day really. In this really elated bliss of connection and trust. And what does that do to me. It makes me want to be a slave for your cock. I want your cum in my mouth and I was your cock in my ass and to give you the best head I can. And I did all those things. It was very hot. I was defiantly feeling it. We fucked for about an hour and half and I had to run out to a quick appointment and I came back and we found our place all over again. He would finish fucking me from behind me, us laying on our sides, and he would keep his cock in me after he came and about a minute later I would feel it coming back to life and the cycle began again. I love when his dick just stays in my cunt after we fuck. I dont ever want it to leave. 

I did have this need for some pain and he was grabbing my breasts in a way that produces a good pain. They are so sore now and tomorrow I am sure they will be brushed and I will love it. I wanted more pain, I wanted my pussy stretched a lot, I wanted him to fist me. Fisting me while I was bleeding did seem like a long shot and I was right he declined. I just felt so animalistic. I was sucking his dick after he fucked me, sucking his cum up. I wanted him to fist me and wipe the blood on my body and fuck me some more. Im not sure what the blood does to me but it makes me feel so dirty and nasty. 

We had a good day. We were talking a little on the porch before he left and I mentioned that we had a really nice day and he said yeah now dont fuck it up. He always says my mouth gets slick after I have had enough dick for the day. It is funny but it it true. I am real submissive until I am done with he dick then I get real bold. 

I dont know where these real world issues are going to take D and I and what will the breaking point be between us. For now I am going to take a win where I can get it. 

Wednesday, February 14, 2024

Exquisite Pain

 My last post I was intentionally vague about how I was feeling and it was because D hurt me and I did not want to record it in this space to be memorialized for years. This blog has given so much perspective and has allowed me to relive so many memories over the years. Even when they hard I have always wanted to keep the experience true but D has hurt me in a way I am not sure I have felt hurt before. And the result was shame about loving him. It was feelings like I had to keep it secret because some how his bad behavior made me look bad. 

When D did call me the other day from a friends phone, I mentioned to him that maybe he should get a job while he waits for this state job issue to work itself out. He thought about it for a few seconds and seriously answered with me with "No Why"? My surprise choked the words out of my mouth and I froze until I was finally able to blurt out "so you can pay your debts and maybe pay for your phone". He got aggravated with me fast. He said I was being "negative" and that shit would get him in bad headspace and things would not turn out well. UMMMM I hate to tell this broke bitch but things already did not turn out how we wanted or needed them to. I lamented about how I was so tired of being alone. He escalated his tone and said "I dont even know why I called you" I responded with "hmmm ok" and he responded with hanging up on me. From there he has not reached out to me. 

And as I sit in my room alone tonight I can not pretend anymore. He really hurt me and I can not shake it. This relationship is just taking from me sometimes or most of time. 

This culturally significant day for lovers... has he not thought enough to not call me. He could have emailed me, messengered me, drove here and saw me. He could have just done anything to let me know that I meant something to him. My birthday is coming up too. Will he remember? Will he acknowledge me on those days? We are not big on holidays, we have never been! I am not even entirely sure what day his birthday is and I do miss it everyday.  I have never really (that I remember today) been salty for not being acknowledged by him on a holiday. I should reread the blog, it may tell a different story. 

I am so hurt. I feel like I deserve so much more than what he is giving me and I will never be strong at turning away from someone I love even way they deserve but the ship is still sinking with us and I feel the mast turning sideways the ship beginning to slip under the currents. And I will be with the band playing until we go under but I will be relieved once I succumb to its exquisite pain. 

For the first time in my life I am in a place where I only want to have sex with D. I enjoy the closeness we have, I like how my body relaxes around him. I just want to feel his skin on mine and while my need for dick is ever present I feel like I was introduced to, just recently, a closeness with sex that I want to keep experimenting with. While I dont see me being a woman who will ever be able to turn down some good dick I am different in some ways that I was not before. 

I could not understand the benefit of sex and love with the same person for most of my adult life, but I am beginning to understand. I am not sure if I would ever feel it again but I am getting. 

While I am spilling the tea on D in the blog on my headphones our theme song comes on. "Its a Baltimore Love Thing" by 50 Cent. I would suggest a listen. Im pretty sure it is about drug addiction but it applies to our relationship as well. Ad the line that always gets me is "no on said loving me would be easy". 

A long time reader would know that D is exactly like my dad. Exactly. They are men that can be hard to love but they love you hard and they would take a bullet for you but they might not tell you Happy Birthday on your birthday or might sweep your off your feet on Monday and by Friday they will have you questioning why in the hell you have ever stayed with them. 

I remember a time in my life that a blog post called exquisite pain would be a blog post about BDSM and my latest scene with my DOM but now it refers to such a deeper pain. 

As of now its open dick season in my life, because lets face it he deserves to have his pussy fucked by some new dick. 

Sunday, February 4, 2024

Checking In

 Wow, over a month since I have felt the emotions enough to prompt me record it all for me, for my future self, for my present self both of which need to understands that I have made a choice here in this life. The choice I have made was to love D. 

His phone is shut off again. He called me from someone else's phone the other day but just the once. But I know what the situation is at least I am not worrying about him being dead or dying and me not being able to say good bye to him. 

I go about my life and I see all these beautiful black men who are strong and good looking and appear to have enough money to at least take care of their basic needs and I feel so invisible. I feel like some how loving D has tainted me in a way. I think these people can smell it on me... the scent of intense infatuation and love beyond the conditions of romance. These men must feel my energy and know there is no point in trying anymore because I am so gone with D that I can never be lured back. Men dont look at me like they once did. And I dont look at them really like I used to. Now it just seems like a bother more than anything else. 

It is a dark place sometimes. Other people have access to their loved ones, or at least some of them do, but I never seem to. And this is my fault. I have accepted this situation and I have bended each time he has pushed my flexibility. Part of me is ashamed of my unconditional love and ability to love this man even in the ugliness of his own pathetic short comings. How can I as a woman, as a feminist, as strong willed person who allows no one to treat me less than I would expect, how did I get caught in this? 

Are we soul mates? Is this one of those things that is bigger than our lives in this world and is about a universal truth that our souls were meant to be near each other. Or am I just a simple bitch you loves black dick to much and this man got me turned out. I think that latter is more likely. 

Life has been really doing its thing lately. Seriously, sick kids, aches and pains, dead beat baby daddies, inflation, aging parents all of it. And me, I just want some dick in the morning and night. I want some one to fuck some color back into my cheeks and brighten up my life a bit. And then I just want to be left alone with my thoughts and with my abilities and allow my potential to be realized. 

Like a self created disorder this need for dick and clouded everyday of my life for the last 26 years or so. Always scheming, planning, cheating, lying, hiding spending my energy just to get the dick instead of other things. If you ever thought that NJSUBMISSIVEGIRL was not harmed by her sex additction than please know that I have been. I have been my own worse enemy. And the obsession with dick impedes everything good in my life and have taken away so much of my time with so little in return. 

And I am desperate for D to move in here with me. And if I am being honest it is just because I want the dick here when I need it. Of course I love him and I like his company most of the time but when we get right down to it I crave the freedom of not having to plan dick appointments.