It has been 14 days since I have talked to D. I am really twisted up again about this. I have replayed our last conversation over and over again in my head to try to recall if I said something that would have irritated him. I did. He called me like 745a and I was up making kids lunches and hustling my kids about while trying to get everyone out of the house. He asked me what I was doing that day and I said going to work. He wanted me to take the day off and spend it with but I was pissed because excuse me but you cant just call me like that. I need to plan, I said I could not but I was wavering but then I remembered I had my period and then for all those reasons we called the whole thing off. But then I asked him about work and he said that he was looking for a new job and when I asked where the problem began. He said up here and down there. But I dont know why would you look up there if you wanted to be down here. I just remember feeling defeated and tired of him in that moment. And I really hone in on the phrase "if he wanted to he would".
It has been a long time coming on here where D needs to take responsibility for his own actions and his part in this relationship. And this is where it gets dicey. The last 20 years I have felt like D was my side piece. I loved him but he was never my main interest because he never made me feel like I was his. But according to him he felt like he showed me the commitment and love and that I should have known how he felt. He is so convincing in these talks. He makes me feel like maybe I am misremembering. And I could be. I was fucking everything moving for awhile and I did not always keep it 100% with him. I would tell him what I wanted him to know.
There was this one time where he went through my phone and called a guy I was fucking. He was mad but I really did not think he was sincerely upset. But I think that was because my head was not there. I was detached and really only thinking about the next moment I could get dick. But I do remember (which he remember differently) when after my divorce we were fucking and while laying there in the afterglow I talked to him about us really being together. And he said he was not ready for that. And I said "that alright but I am going to date other people". He was not happy about that and I remember going back and fourth on that topic and just fucking some more and we both let it go. But that was my warning to him.
People often dont realize I mean what I say. I dont make empty threats and when things are going south in a relationship I talk about it so much. I tell my partner in everyway I can that I need something to change. I am patient and I dont expect change over night and I dont expect perfection but at some point if I am not happy, how can I go on?
And I am just not happy. I am lonely. I find myself talking with the neighbor (the one I fuck) about everything because he is nice and listens and somedays I want to talk to a man. He has really become a good friend of mine. I could never imagine that a few years ago. I want a boyfriend I have access too. Unrestricted access that wants to be with me and cares about how I feel. And D is not doing it for me.
I am so sad about that even as I write it. I dont know if I will have the moxy to really end anything with him but I will not hold back my feelings. Part of me is waiting for a distraction, like a really loving person to show me what I am missing. I still dont know if it will ever be enough to feel what I feel with D.
I know I love my ex JF still. And if he were a changed man I might consider going back to him. I loved him so hard too but it was still different that D. But I dont miss him like I used to. I feel more healed from that relationship. And I can put that in a box and accept it for what it was and be grateful for all the things he taught me. As much as he frustrates me he taught a lot and I am a better person for it.
So as Day 14 comes to a close I consider my options. You may not know I cant remember if I last posted it, but D does not have a phone. His phone broke he did not have money to replace it and he said he likes not having a phone "life is so much easier I have no worries". He does not answer email and has never actually given me his email address. So literally I have to wait for him to call me. And he has been but 14 days.
He knows I have a 2 week time limit with him. He said himself to me that "after 14 days I know you will open your legs for anyone". Lol the man is not wrong. After two weeks I start to grieve and move on. I have done it so many times with him. I make dating profiles, I call all my old team members, I start to cut my loses and move it along. So if it has been two weeks why has he not called me?
I could email his brother, but I just look pathetic doing that. I dont want to chase this man. I am too grown for that. We have too much history to play the games. He knows how I feel Why does he do this to me.
I am trying to stay busy and I will forget for a few hours but then it hits me out of the blue and my eyes tear up and my chest tightens and I have to talk my way off the ledge. I carry my phone with me everywhere I go, in case he calls me the moment I walk away from the phone.
I am disgusted with myself and as I think about the 4b movement and listen to its powerful song I cringe at my basic servitude I allow myself to participate in and how I give myself to this man who cant show me that I am valued.
