The Mess

 I saw the neighbor yesterday. I had my period and it was lite so I was fine with it and the neighbor always says it is fine. I did not particularly want sex at all but I had a headache and I was really hoping a few orgasms would take it away, as it usually will. I was laying on the bed when he made is way upstairs to my room, scrolling through tik too while he took off his clothes. He comes over and I lay on my back and suck his dick. This is a nice way to do it. On my knees does not allow for good angles and I am not particularly relaxed, but on my back with my head on the edge of the bed and his dick above me allowed me to access it better, get more of it in my mouth and I was enjoying it. Then I wanted the dick. It does not take much for my switch to get turned for me to be like "ok now I need that dick". He asks me how I want it and with him I love on my knees on the edge of the bed. It allows me to not touch him and focus on me. 

I savor the moments as he pushes his dick in me. My body had been so in need. Its not long before we have a good rhythm and I am blissfully just enjoying the consistency of the fuck and letting my body relax. We fuck like that for a long time or maybe 10 minutes but long considering and then he wants me on my side. This is like an immediate orgasm and he gets inside, but he mentions that there is blood and I am cool with that, I expected it and I have the plastic barrier on my bed. Im used to cleaning sheets. We keep fucking, I squirt a little bit while he is inside me and I feel him getting ready to cum. I cant tell when he comes, I feel the build up. The build up is very intense, his body tenses up, his breathing changes but there is not indicator when he comes. In fact it is very underwhelming. I have become more ok with him coming in me but I want to know it is happening. I want that "cum in my pussy" moment. 

He finish and he tells me "it is a mess". Now I have an idea of what a mess might look like. The time D and I had a fucking 3 hour fuck session when I had my period and squirted all over and my bed was covered in red dots of blood from the squirting, or when D has pissed on me, or some anal play fails. I am not stranger to a mess. I get up and there is literally 2 spots of blood about a size of a quarter each. That's It! This is something that keeps my guard up with him. He says he is cool with blood and all the things that could happen with sex and especially anal but he is very clean and seems a little uptight about it. Its not that D and I are not clean, it just laying around in bodily fluids for a few minutes does not makes up blink an eye and that makes me comfortable and more likely to let go. But the dick was great! I'm not complaining!

Still no call from D. I dont think about him all day, in fact, he just now popped into my head and I came here to let it out. I dont know what is going on and I am holding on tight to the things he told me the last time.  He told me (in summary) that it is not me, I did nothing wrong, he did not meet someone else, he is physically fine, he just is stressed and just does not want to have a conversation right now. He told me not to make up stories about what it could be and to know that he loves me. 

Good Lord - I have given this man so much grace. Part of me feels like I have grown so much that I am not trying to aggravate the situation and hunt him down and make him communicate with me. Not that I dont want to, I just have exercised a lot of self control. I see growth in myself in the way that I love someone by meeting them where they are at instead of dragging where I want them to be. And in the same moment I am sickened by my down-trodden devotion to him. I pause to think of the times he has met me where I am at, and I compare him to others, and I feel this tightness in my chest. This heat in my heart that works it way to my belly and it just refuses to let my body move on until I acknowledge it. 

Am I kidding myself? Is this all a farce and this is not love? Have I clung to him for some other reason than love? 

Moving along, my kids are driving me crazy with all their emotions and the end of year woes. And JF will not give me money and I am hesitating to take him to court but I know that will probably where we will end up. That is so tragic to me. Two people make two children and love each other and spend 10 sharing our life together for him to be Fuck You and the Kids. To use his own words -"God will punish him". 

I desperately seeking distractions. Keep commenting. I dont want to post comments. Comments are sometimes, phone numbers or emails, and sometimes they feel like a personal conversation. It is weird to me the details that I omit on here or even in other places in my life. I share a lot on here but there are still secrets I cant share, that I hold to myself. 

I wish I could share this sadness I feel in my body, I wish someone to help me hold it or better yet that D would just call and alleviate it. It would take mere seconds for the lightness to return to my body. 

Day 21

 Its now been 21 days since D has called me and probably 5-6 weeks since we have fucked. I can not even remember. I did see the neighbor the other day but It is not what I am looking for. I cum, a lot and he is great at fucking me but there is no intimacy. I want to feel the intimacy I feel with D. 

For so many years sex was just sex ( and it still is with others), it was as benign as shaking hands to me. Since D and I have gotten closer over the last few years I began to let myself go. I would give in to my feelings to touch him and enjoy his body. This is a stark difference from the days of Dom/sub days when I would wait for instructions and my desires were kept to myself. It took me a long time to get to a place with D where I am comfortable touching him as I want and not just waiting for his directions. Although I do still do a lot of following directions. 

I was talking to my friend about what I should do about my D problem. She wants me to lay low and let him come running back to me. It goes against everything in my spirit to pretend as if I dont need this man like I need air in my lungs. I really did not think about too much during the week because work and life has just been so busy there is no time to let my mind wander. And of course any weekend I am disappointed he is not here and wondering why he is not thinking of me. 

I was listening to my music on shuffle today and Lil'Kim came across my headphones. Her music makes me want to fuck. I have got that feeling that deep in my abdomen, this heat and presence I feel and I want some filthy dirty sex. I want to be a whore. I dont make moves on this. My roster is quite limited. I already know the neighbor is busy and my house is not free and Cone Dick said he might be free Sunday or Monday.  And as I start to think about the logistics of it all I begin to lose interest. I might get some intense orgasm but I will not get what I really need. And until that thirst is quenched I will feel empty. 

My life is so chronically boring, I feel like I need some changes soon. I just hate the weekends. I am exhausted with the mundane shit in life and I just want to have more adult time and I need feel like I am something other that a single mother sometimes. 

Before kids, I was out a few nights a week. I was so free. It has been almost 18 years of being this really involved parent and I love these kids but I feel so unseen and like I am just filling the role that needed to filled. D makes me feel seen. He does not and has never seen me as a Mom. He sees me as me in all the ways that motherhood does not allow me reveal about myself. 

Motherhood is such a monumental experience, I dont regret it but I do wish I held on tighter to myself and the things that make me happy. And sex really makes me happy. I dont even know if I could go to to a party these days. I fell so hard out of love with my body and it is everything I have to manage to have sex with the neighbor. 

When I fuck the neighbor I wear a long t-shirt. I am comfortable walking around my room in that, but he insisted I be naked the other day. I like that, being naked is fine with me when I am in the bed but once gravity takes hold I would prefer the shirt. lol. 

I wish when I was 20 years old having my first gang bang that I appreciated my body and youthful beauty. It was wasted on me!

A year or so ago I decided that I was not going to wear underwire bras anymore. I breastfed three babies and I felt like I have suffered enough and I just did not give a fuck what my tits looked like. And there are quite a few men you like naturally swinging breasts. I dont go bra free sometimes but I will occasionally when I just cant mentally go through the song dance of getting a bra on. Recently I thought let me try an underwire again, as I am not thrilled with look of them in my current bra. I ordered hundreds of dollars worth of bras to try on so many styles and I think my tits got smaller or something happened to them, they are just different in the wired bras. Different then they were before. Jesus Christ it is just such a fuck kick in the teeth that we will all hopefully live long enough watch our bodies age right in front on us. We will one by one loose abilities and stamina. Damm! My mind is going through some weird places tonight. 

I dont know what to do with D but I know I am not in a place to turn him away when he comes back. 

Also if you reading, please leave me a comment. I dont post comments, but I love them! I would love to hear thoughts of others. 

Again

 So where we are at is that D called me about day 16 in April and we spoke on May 4th. We made a tentative plan and its been silence since. I was doing ok for a while but the last two days has been a struggle for me. I am trying to meet D where he is at and give him a little bit of space. It is not what I want or what I need but it feels like I am trying to think of someone else before myself. That does not come naturally to me when it comes to my romantic relationships. I know it is an area a lack as everyone I have ever loved has told me the same thing about myself and well I see it too. But this is HARD. 

I am sad and my chest feels heavy with the angst of not know when I speak to him. I have tried to keep myself busy but the angst is pulling my spirit down and making my physical body anxious and rigid. I managed to go to the pool today. I love the pool but I had to talk myself into getting into the pool for two hours with no access to my phone in case he calls. And as I would swim my laps I would stop to catch my breath and he would creep into my mind. And I would just shake my head and try to refocus on something more tangible: The water touching my body, the weightlessness I feel, I deep peace I feel just floating on the surface.

I did not miss his call because he did not call. I have several ways to contact him via other people. His family and his friends, but he is not thinking of me and I need to try to take my lead from that. Although he will tell me when we talk about it that he "thinks of me all the time" but he just does not need to talk to me all the time. And for him when he is a bad place he isolates and does not share with me until he ready. He does share it, but it is really on his timeline (as it should be) but me I think that it is what have I dont wrong. 

I find myself here tonight trying to remember this is his M.O and that I am telling my stories in my head and that does not mean that is what the reality is. It is hard. Im so lonely. I had about an hour and half alone in my house today and I thought that maybe a deep orgasm would be just what I needed. I tried. I could not get myself there. I just wanted to touch him. I just want to have sex with him and if I can not have him, I am not real interested in other men at this point. 

I hate to point this out, but he did not even reach out to me on Mother's Day. He maybe had a heavy heart thinking of his own mother or maybe he forgot that I gave birth to his daughter. Did he think I would harass him when he called and so he thought twice about. Something has to change soon. I feel like I am just going through the stages of grief. 

Monday is my standing date with the neighbor but I cant do it tomorrow. I have a work meeting in another town and I just do not have enough time to fit it in. I would literally have like 10 mins max and that just feels too rushed, and then I need to clean up all the cum, and sit in this all day meeting with the cum dripping out. And right now I just feel too sad to make it happen. 

These are some new feelings for me. The really only wanting to have sex with one person and feeling so sad that I can not entertain the thoughts of seeing someone else or even manage to masturbate just for the physical release. 

Im glad this weekend is over. Work will keep me busy this week and I will only have a few dark moments when the sadness breaks in. It is day 15. So maybe this week he will reach out. 

I dont know how people leave people they love so much... but I am reminded of when I left JF. That was HARD. I loved him too and I still love him but not like I have and do love D. 

I still go back to it is something about (at least for me) the bond of creating life with someone. It makes me feel so bonded with someone, it is hard to go on with out them.

So not good sex stories, no fun, no solo fun. I am just trying to get through this. Again.