Connections

There has been contact with both D and Fan Boy. 

First, Fan Boy, may have told me he was going out of town. I vaguely remember this conversation with him but I did not maybe remember it in the last month. I guess in my mind going out of town does not equal not in contact. Maybe I should learn to be uncontactable, I dont know how people do this. I would be so afraid I would miss something. 

Now lets go back to Wednesday. I have been talking to a man. I was drawn to a man I met online who is Jamaican and in his early 50's and I am EXCITED for the possibility of enjoying this man's company. I did not want to really meet anyone but he works close to me and you know I like the way he talks. He has a job, a home, a car, and a cell phone so he is already leaps and bounds ahead of D. He wanted to see me and pressed me a little bit. I was getting irritated and did not want to see him but I was let me just do this, and I can not say "No" to some men. 

So we meet at the park, I asked him just to get in my car so we can talk because is was so hot. He is more attractive than his pictures. I like him. We talked politely for a few minutes and I am not sure how but he was touching me and his dick was rock hard and my hands were on it. It is daylight at a park, near where I live. I am not doing anything that I will regret. I love him touching me though. How he is touching me. He tells me how attracted he is to me and I am really loving it. I am attracted to him physically and he can hold intelligent conversation, there is a lot going on here for me. The dicks seems to be good from my cursory inspection but I am not feeling the heat I am looking for. The heat in my pussy, the throbbing, the I must have you now feeling in my body. I dont have it. I dont know why. Am I still broken from D? Is there just a disconnect? I want to have sex with him because he marks all the boxes and he is what I am looking for and him touching me feels really good but why is my body not reacting the way I want it to? 

We parted ways and I was at home laying on the couch and he called me. I answered and we were talking a bit. And another call comes in from "No Caller ID", I know this is D. I answer with out hesitation. I say hello and say what's going on? I try to say in a non-bitchy way but I feel like my disdain was oozing out of my words. We talk a minute or two. The things he says are infuriating to me. He firsts asks if he can come over Friday, I say yes. Then I say where you been? He is like here doing nothing, etc. I said why did you not call me? He said he has no phone still and etc, etc...He said he saw the message I sent him in Cash App and I said so you saw that I needed to talk to you and you still did not seek me out? He said something to the affect that he has no money so he cant do anything so that is why he did not call. I told him it is not just about him..."what if I needed you"? He said nothing. It was not a very intense conversation, it may not sound like it but it almost felt like neither one of us wanted to really talk about anything heavy. He did say that things would be changing soon and I asked what that meant and he said we would talk when he sees me, and I said "is it bad"? He laughs and say "No, why do you always assume the worst"? I laugh too because I really do always assume the worst case scenario in every situation. It helps me mentally prepare for that stress that might be coming my way. It is self-preservation. Before we hang up, I said so"Friday, 100% you are coming down", he says "yes 100% I will be there at 9"

So he did not show up. I was ok til about 12n, and then that crippling anxiety creeped into my chest again. He did not call, he did not show and I left to wonder what happened that caused this. It is back to square one again. Was it me? Did he not like something I said? Was he in an accident on the turnpike? The anxiety was so bad, I took 1/2 and edible and tried to get some work done and a few hours later took the other half. 

I talked to the Jamaican, we are trying between the two of us to find a time or a place we can meet up. I dont feel guilty. We should call him the replacement because he is inching his way in to being just that. 

Part of my anxiety too is will D just show up? All day wondering if he is just running late? Will he just show up tomorrow etc? And he tease of thing changing and telling me he applied of a job down by me are his way of telling me what I want to hear to lure me right back in. It is a trap. I know it is. I dont know if he is congnizant of what he is doing or if he is just ignorant to his own toxic behaviors. I know what I do, at least I am to the point that I know I do some fucked up shit sometimes and I know why I do it. 

Tonight I am just trying to stay busy until I can sleep and get rid of this anxiety. 

Ghosted 2.0

 I have not talked much about my friend on here who is someone who I believe we met at a party years ago and he is a blog follower and we have been talking for a while now via email. I hate to give him this name but as I would tell my friend about him and the fun videos he would send to me she dubbed him "Fan Boy". I dont know too much about Fan Boy, I thought I knew his real name, what he email comes from but I never looked into him on socials. I think I know where he lives, local to me but not 100% sure, I kinda know what he does for a living. I vaguely know his in real life identifiers but I know that in our conversations none of that matters. He has been a confidant to me for years now and well for lack of a better word he seems to have just ghosted me too. 

I am truly dumbfounded by his lack of response to my emails, it is like he seemingly dropped of the face of the earth. And maybe he is on vacation or maybe a million things have happened but I miss our conversations. I miss the intelligent banter about sex, race, single motherhood, interracial relationships and the like. I truly have not had so much intelligent conversation about topics that interest me in all my life. And I miss Fan Boy. If your still reading...please reach out. 

I had some time to sit on my friends couch tonight. I love this for us. We have these really intense and fast conversations. They are fast because we are shooing the kids away in order to have them and we whisper talk all the good parts and we talk about every facet of our lives in like an hour and half and get each other up to speed. I live for these couch sitting events. I usually go over in my pajamas, we never care about how we look, we are vulnerable with each other and supporting or each other. I hope I can attract more of these kind of relationships in my life. 

Talking about D with her brought up my feelings. I had done a pretty good job of tamping them down but here they come. Feelings of angst and saddness bubbling up through my chest leaving me breathless again. I feel so let down by him. I am dissappointed in him for so many reasons. And the over arching theme of my conversations tonight that D better keeps this same energy when he is 60 and wants to finally come live me because he is tired of being alone and broke and now wants to share his little scrap of life he has left with me. Let him keep this same energy. 

Im still struggling to feel any twinge of sexual desire in my body. It is amazing to me how my body has just shut down that side of me so cleanly. There is no little bit of desire there is nothing.

Opposite of Aroused

 Still no call from D. I am ok. I am better than ok. I am not really sad these days. I am indifferent. I dont want sex. I dont want anything at all. I am just kind numb. 

I went to a community pool today. There were 4 black men there at the looked like the type of man that I would go for. And what did I feel - nothing. No thoughts of them mounting me, or taking me in the locker room to gang bang me. It was like I felt my body moving in the opposite direction of aroused. The thought of someone touching me made cringe. And it is not these men, it is any man, including D. I can not masturbate, I dont want to touch anything or anyone. I just want to be left alone. I have no plans to see the neighbor. 

I am sure this is coming from a place of hurt, usually when I am hurt by D I can still enjoy the mental images of him fucking me. Now I think "how can I ever enjoy him again"? When feelings like this come up for me it is such a stark difference from my baseline I find it disturbing and I never know when this feeling will leave me and I never know for sure if I will ever be myself again. 

Im feeling so lost right now and to mitigate that feeling I try just to not think about it. 

My thoughts are not even flowing anymore because Im just kind of over it right now. 

Trending in the Right Direction

 I have been doing okay since my last post. I still think about D daily, but not all day. He of course has not called an for the most part I have stopped obsessing over it. As I like to do when one relationship ends, I immediately I am looking to build my dick team but also keeping an open mind to people that might be a real connection in my life. 

The other day I had 2.5 hours to myself in my own house during the evening. This is RARE. And I wanted to take advantage of it. So cone dick came to mind. (And for those who don't know his dick is not exactly like a cone but similar and it feels amazing). He came over. It was weird having another man come to my house all in the day light. And my neighbor (Ginger who smokes on the porch too much) get a glimpse into all the men I keep. I am sure I am the talk of the neighbors sometimes. I was anxious! Very Anxious. I did not like all the nerves I was feeling and I was regretting my decision almost. I just wanted to lay down in my bed and not have to get all worked up. He got undressed and I started to suck his dick. What I thought was weird was my mouth was so wet. It was like one of those really wet sloppy blow jobs with the spitting. Sometimes my mouth is just too dry for that but I was surprised I was, it was like my mouth wanted it. And he was great and giving auditory feedback. There is nothing better than knowing you are doing the right thing because you can hear the satisfaction. 

He had me on my knees on the bed while he fucked me from behind. I needed this dick. I kept trying to get more and more of it. I cant explain what the difference between the neighbors dick and his dick but his was just more, do I say passionate. That is not the right word.  Maybe just more intense. My feelings were more intense but the fucking was just more intense. I needed it to be intense. He got on top of me and I have my eyes closed and for a minute I am cognizant of the pleasure I am receiving and how much my body in enjoying this but I want to touch him, I want to look at him but I can not. I keep my eyes closed. It is like if I look at him it might diminish what I am feeling, like I will get into a different headspace. If I look at him I will be reminded that it is not D. I touch his arms, he very muscular arms. I satisfy myself with that and I try to get out of my head and back in to the orgasmic bliss I was in. He comes and I could feel him coming. This was amazing and made me come. He wore a condom as we do but it just felt amazing. I laid there and watched him clean up while we chit chatted and he left and I walked around my house happy for the next hour I had to myself. 

I have been looking for men online. I must say it feels like it is slim pickings out there. Yikes. D is looking less and less like an asshole in comparison to some of the people I have met. I wish men would treat me better, or at least JF and D, but I am reminded that I have done some fucked up shit to both of them. And if they knew about it or not I feel like I give them grace for that. 

Is this really my life?

So yesterday I was ok. I took a gummy in the morning, like as soon as I woke up and I did not feel so bad during that day. Today I did the same but come 2p that anxiety that D is causing me came creeping into my chest. My heart began to race and I feel the heat in my body and I feel like crying but I can't seem to get the angst to dissipate. It just sits there and presses on me. I cant speak well, I can think well, I just lose myself in it. 

I just needed more clarification, so I connected with a physic again. I can not remember if I wrote here about the first time but this time is was a very similar story. She said that she did not see another women, she did not see angry and sees he still very much has a connection to me. She said that this is like "he forgets that his is in a relationship and does not fully comprehend his role in this relationship". She said this is just "gross ignorance" that he has not reached out. That tracks for D. It really sounds like him and also what the other physic said. She also said that this will linger for the month of June and sometime in July he will reach out. She did add she see me meeting someone brand new to me in the fall at some kind of festival or outdoor event and that I will love him like I love D. I can not not even begin to believe that I will ever love someone like I love D. I dont know if my body will ever react to someone the way it reacts to D. She assured it would. I started to cry a little. I want to cry so badly. I want to sob but my meds will not allow crying most of the time. What usually happens is that something unrelated will happen, like I get physically hurt and I will cry for all the things I am feeling. So I will stub my toe and cry like someone just ripped a limb off.  

So with that I am going to try to let it breath for a few weeks. I want to play with some dicks and explore some of the sex taboos that I might miss a little bit. Im not sure if my heart will let me do it. I need someone strong to draw me out of this and help me relax enough to get me to them and then once I get there and get started I will be fine. Im not particularly craving sex but as always I know I need it. 

This morning I had some time so I thought I would do some maintenance masturbation...just to keep the edge off. When my body started to orgasm I was surprised how strongly my body reacted and I just thought to myself I am doing myself a disservice by not paying attention to this part of myself. 

I know I want D's touch. I love the sex but I also love that the sex is just so intimate and gives me all the feels. I dont want to find a replacement for that. I just need to put that up for a minute. Why when I am with him he makes me feel like everything is ok and it will be ok. He makes me feel safe and loved. He makes me want to make him happy. When the psychic said she sees me meeting and loving someone new I was unsure but part of me wants that. Although Im not sure if I will be strong enough to tell D no at any point in the future. 

I am just sad as I can be right now but I just dont seeing myself ending anything D and that makes me feel sad for myself. I dont like all these emotions. Christ life is so hard sometimes. 

Karma

 This might be a new low. When D disappeared back in 2011 (when he was in Trinidad and never called me because he said it took years to get my number from Verizon ....bullshit...) I was distraught but not to this level or at least I do not remember. I was newly pregnant and I did not know who the father was and I knew it was not D so I was just dealing with that shit and I did not have time to worry about D as much. Not that it did not hurt. It hurt a lot! However I moved on with JF and life was really good for several years until he came back from Trinidad. But this time I am having real physical symptoms of my anxiety. 

My heart is racing and I feel this heat in my chest whenever I think about it. I dont want to do anything. I feel stunned like I am in disbelief that he has done this again to me. I just spent the evening talking with my friend and I was so grateful for the distraction. She is truly one of the kindest people I have ever known and she might never know how much she has helped me in life in general. 

In my conversation with her we talked about how cruel this was and how he had to be aware of what he was doing and this kind of maltreatment was not showing me love. And I gently say "I have been cruel to him", " I have done things that are unforgivable to him, I have hurt him", "I am truly awful to people sometimes. I lie and manipulate people and situations and I very much do what I need to do to make sure that I always minimize any discomfort I might feel. I have never been shy to admit that some of the shit I have done in my life was not kind and not in line with my character. It seems like when it comes to sex I lose my barometer of what right and wrong is and I will do whatever I need to in order to cover that shit up. 

So if D calls me back will I forgive him... of course. I love him and I will be there as quickly as he calls me and I am ok if he knows that shit. If there is one thing I want him to know is my love for him includes forgiveness as his love for me has always included forgiveness. And if he wants to move on, I will move on. The limbo is so hard for me. It is like I am on a rollercoaster. And we have been going up the tracks these last few months. The clicking below my feet as we notch our way to the top, we sit atop of the peak waiting for a whisper of momentum to push us down that hill. I just dont know which way the momentum will come or if we will free fall months from now or if it will come tonight. I am over stimulated waiting for something to happen. 

So nothing is really wrong. He does this sometimes and I know it so why does my body feel like the heightened adrenaline will make me end up in the ER. 

I have been looking for some new friends online. I learned that I really hate making new friends. And by friends I mean men with large dicks. There is nothing worse then vetting a person and trying to assess if they will hurt me (physically or emotionally). I just want reliable dick routine and someone who feels like they might care the slightest bit about me put their arm around me and let me cuddle with them for just a minute. But even the thought of this makes me want to gag. I feel like no one will ever appreciate just how long it took me to feel comfortable touching D. I dont have that kind of time to learn how to touch someone new. 

I did meet with a physic last night to give me some insight on this situation. I was pretty impressed that they were so easily able to pinpoint the same thing I have been telling myself. Essentially they asked my my name and his birthdate and he nailed it. It helped me get to sleep last night but I almost lost my shit today as I reread it. At the end of the day I think my kids are part of the reason he is not here with me. He does not want to raise kids again and does not want the pressure of that. He has never said that and he is so loving with my children but I can imagine it is a lot of pressure. 

Im going to reread some old posts from 2011 and see where my head was at and maybe glean some insight from it. Meanwhile I guess Im back to FetLife and I might try out grinder. 

Angst and Sadness

 This feels like I cant catch my breath. I woke up this morning facing a day with little distraction to keep me from obsessing about D. My entire body is feeling the angst. By 930a I was texting my friend to help talk me off the ledge. I caved and messaged his friend. He has not messaged me back as of yet. I dont know what to do with myself. How many times can I put myself through this. 

If like if I need to move on I can, I did before but my body is feeling on the things my mind won't let me even think about. I can not cry, Im not even really sad. Its just intense physical angst that is all over my body. I want to take a xanax but I also want a sleeping pill later and I can not do both. So I am just minute by minute trying to get through the day. 

I did look on some dating sites as there is nothing that makes you forget someone faster then being underneath someone else. But I know what I am looking for today is companionship. I want to feel loved. 

I found myself really wanting to lean on someone today. I do not reach out to my friends to tell them I need support but I would like some extra love today. I feel like when you been talking about the same relationship for 20 years your support circle begins to feel less empathy because Ive really been doing this to myself. Just like I am worn out from D, my people are worn out too. 

Christ I sit here and I just cant even get coherent thoughts to write. I am hoping this is me at my worst.