Just a update

 Im still talking to the new guy. His nickname on here still alludes me so for now he is just the new guy. We spoke on the phone for a while today. I like him but I am surprised by my like for him and I just do not know how to act. Its weird for me to feel even open to allowing myself to make space for an actual connection. Part of me wants to impulsively tell him all the the bad things I know about myself and and say there it all is...can you look past all of it? Part of me wants to jump of the highway to a real relationship and go back to dick team building. I really can not tell which way this will go, it is a moment by moment type of thing. 

I spoke to JF today about child support. I think the conversation went well. I can not tell JF is the KING OF BULLSHITTING and he knows how to make shit look like gold. Im cautiously optimistic. I am not expecting perfection but I am hopeful of at least of an improvement. 

Still no contact with D. 

Too Sick to Text?

 Yesterday was really not a great day. I've been a really weird place for that last two months. It's not all D. There is an extreme difference in my sex drive since I have started taking Wegovy(a weightloss drug). So it has been like a dead zone. And part of the reason I had sex with the new guy the other day was because I felt something and I felt like I need to monopolize on that feeling. My friend who has taken the medication noticed her happy thing is much less important to her since she has been on it and provided me with some anecdotal evidence that are looking into this drug as a treatment for addictions. I talk about there being not joy in my life. Food stopped giving me joy years ago when I started different procedures and things to lose weight. So I was prepared for that part. I dont rely on food for joy but I do indeed rely on sex. And without it I am feeling so fucking lost. I just dont know where to turn. I literally can not identify my emotions. Am I happy... eh maybe? I could be sad but it all just feels like apathy and indifference. Im trying force it a little because it disturbs me A Lot. I can not tell you how many times I have talked to my friend about a guy and I have said "He is good looking, nice dick, can hold a conversation, polite" and yet I cannot get any feelings for sex. She assures me this will pass. She said it was a good two months but as she leveled out her dose she notice it picked back up for her. She said a lot of people she knows quit right around this time.  Im not ready to quit but I need to feel something again soon or I might have to reconsider what I am doing. 

So, the new guy, the one ghosted me. Here is where we are, last night he texts me and seems to have just seen my message. So he says he was sick. Am Im just like hard eye roll... I dont think I have ever been so sick that I can not pick up a phone and type out the words "I'm sick, I text you tomorrow". Is that so hard?

Is this normal behavior? I would do it if it was a friend I do not talk to ever. I would NOT do it if it was something that was brand new and I just fucked someone and they are looking to connect with me after being very vulnerable and letting into your life just a little bit.  I would muster up some energy to be like I am sick. And so I guess he has food poisoning as Im not sick. I feel just fine. It all seems a little suspicious to me. Although I am like a skittish dog who has been beat all its life because D thinks ghosting me is just like normal operating procedure. So I am not sure if I over-reacted but I dont feel like I over reacted. I feel really validated in my reaction. I frankly feel like my reaction was blunted for slight that I felt by it. 

Although he did say something in a heat exchange about me thinking about myself, and did I think maybe it could be something going on with him. Ok, well excuse me but is it odd to think of yourself first? It really does not seem to be wrong to me. I feel like I put myself first so little but these men seem to think I am always disregarding them and doing what is best for me. Of course sometimes I do but jesus so much of the time I am bending to their will. 

I have an appointment for my first bit of legal advice to establish custody and child support. I had some time to think yesterday that JF would be able to skirt child support if he lived closer and wanted the kids 50/50.  I dont think he would want the kids 50/50 but I do think he would do that to get out of paying child support. It gets so complicated. I also found the process of filling out the forms distasteful. I just feel like surely we made these children together we can make an agreement together. I want what's best for both of us. He thrives, he is more present father, my kids win. I want nothing but good things for him but I need him to take child support more seriously. Im keeping my appointment for legal advice but in a few days I am going to set up a time to talk to him so we can have a come to Jesus conversation before I start filing things with the court. 

I have always been on the side of single mothers but when I looked at these documents that needed to be filled out I felt so small and unprepared for the legal process. Im college educated and familiar with contracts and some of the language used but it still felt overwhelming to me. I think about the women who have to do this who are not so educated, who are not safe at home, who are confident. Mothers are strongest beings out there. I am often amazed at the shit some women can accomplish and they do it with so little support. Our burdens are heavy and yet still we rise. I do wonder how we ever let me get ahead and lead the way they have. I have not met a women yet who does not inherently believe that men are stupid and we just tolerate them for the companionship and dick and sometimes financial leads it brings. Trust me when I say I have NEVER met a women that was not open and candid about how we really feel about men when they are only in the presence of other women. I say all that but I am still chasing dick and crying about D, so what does that say about me? 

Today has brought a little less stress and a little less angst in my chest. Im feeling less slighted by life and more focused. I do need to get my kids back in school so I can have some alone time. I am counting the days. Kids in school means time during the day to fuck in my own house. I think that will be good for me. 

Life Just Isn't All Free Blow Jobs

 The low just seems to be getter lower for me. I am not exactly sure where to turn next but I think I need to change something. Right? I mean if I keep doing the same thing in my life and expect to see a different result then that would be crazy right? 

Tonight in my sadness I want someone to just lay with me and hold me. Let me cry and hold me. I so desperately miss having a partner in this life. Even D who was the a partner who just gave me the bare minimum but it was enough to make me feel connected to someone in this world. It was enough for me be able to wake up every morning and slap on a smile and raise these kids by myself and feel like I am carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders alone. It was tolerable because I knew about 2 times a month I would have a whole day with D when he would see me as myself and not just a mother or an ex but he would see me for me and he would give me all that I needed in that time. And it was not all I had ever hoped for in life but it was enough. 

What prompted this lowness tonight, well men of course. My daughter is talking about her Dad moving close to us and that he told her that he was moving. So I texted him to ask him and she had not quite the whole story but he is "trying to get a place" in a city about 40 minutes from us. Not what she was thinking so I want to set her expectations. She also does not know that her Dad is full of absolute shit and that he has not made any steps to move there but he is rather just thinking about it. It is good that she does not know that the truth is subjective to him but I know sooner or later she will figure it out. In the text back to me her referred to his girlfriend as his fiancé. This part did not bother me, because I know he would do what he did to me to another women. He needs someone to bank roll him. 

So the guy from yesterday, the new guy, has been radio silence since yesterday. This is not a big deal, or it would not be if it was a sharp shift from his level of communication before. I assume he has decided to move in another direction and that is not a big deal to me on the surface. But it just took so much from me to open myself up to allowing myself to even entertain the idea that I could be interested in another man that it feels like a gut punch that yet another man has just ghosted me. And did this bitch really just ruin my whole Saturday I had with no kids. It felt a little like he just fucked me over for fun.

Is it me? What am I doing that makes it so easy for men to treat me like I am nothing? And Im just asking for the human decency you would treat any body with nothing special. I would not ghost anybody. Alright, I do remember one guy I did. I did not know how to tell him. I felt horrible and I just could not tell him that his voice was so feminine that it was a complete and utter turn off. So I did do that. But in general I am very upfront with people. I tell them things that are hard sometimes, in the nicest possible way. I never ever want to intentionally hurt someone and if I knew I had to let someone down I would do it in the most loving way I could because we are all just human beings who need a little love. 

I needed love today, so badly! I spent some time on my best friends couch talking about all the things. She understands me and she loves me and she knows that D has devastated me and I am just not the same as I was. After that, I made my kids dinner and then headed out in my pajamas to talk on the phone to my mother and listen to sad music in the car. I went to get my self a water-ice I have been craving. I drive to the next town over, wait in their 15 minute drive through line and realize I forgot my cash. I can not go to the atm because I am in my pajamas and barefoot. I call my ex-husband who lives in that town and I just say "Do you have any money in your house I can go in and get" before I even get the words out of my mouth he starts telling me where the money is at. I dont need to explain, I dont need to justify, he did not even ask how much, he just started telling me where it was, and that was that. And I already know the codes to get into his house so I ran into to grab the $2 I needed but I felt so loved and taken care of by him in that moment. He is one of my people in my life, I know I can count on him, always. And I never wish we were still married and I love his fiancé. She has become such a part of my family too and they are just the best. He has fucked up from time to time but he is truly a ride or die kind of friend and I will be forever grateful. 

I got my water ice and parked my car at a park and listened to my sad music until I could finally cry. The song that threw me over the edge what "The Sound of Silence" by Disturbed. I finally could cry and it felt so nice. I did not cry long but long enough that I felt some relief. I finally had enough and now I am home, tears rolling down my cheeks as I write this. This is just a season of sadness for me. If I am being honest I feel little like I have hit a breaking point, I just want to get away from it all but nothing is giving me a break. I dont feel the sadness lift no matter what I do. 

There is also rage. I am done fucking around with JF. I have given him years to get his shit together and now that time is over. I am going to draw up legal custody papers and child support order as well. And for you long time readers, I am also going to look into if I can still sue him for the car he stole from me. Im really done now. I can see clearly now with JF, I dont love him anymore, that has finally passed. 

Maybe I just put my head down and focus on the details of life and push down the desire for companionship. I was talking to my mom like if feels like relationships are all in the pool or all out. But I just want to stick my feet in or maybe hang out by the steps but in the pool of relationships I do not want to get all the way wet. Or maybe I am just salty about right now. But when I would think about D hanging out with my family on holidays or me with his family I would cringe at the thought. I dont want that. I dont think I ever want that. I am just talking shit now... I am in a dark place tonight. 

The neighbor text me and asked me if I was ok. I text back this long text about how I am not ok, to which he replied "so sorry" and I was laughing about this with my friend and she said she was glad I told him how I was really feelings because he "needs to know life just isn't all free blow jobs". God she makes me laugh. But true men have gotten away with too much shit with me. I tolerate too much and always give people the benefit of the doubt. And I dont want to be labeled as a "needy" women but I need to acknowledge that I do have needs. 

I feel that shit deep in my chest

 So its 6:30 on a Saturday night and I just took my Ambient because I just want to go to bed and not think about any of it. I am so deep in the feels right now I am struggling but still in a weird way there are lots of feelings but I still feel kind of numb. Lets just get on with it. 

So like the holy trinity I had all 3 of my kids leaving my house today at the same time. All three of them would be gone from 11:30a to 5:30p. They were going to be with their respective fathers and I would experience a brief taste of freedom. I mentioned the to the new guy the other day as just like I will have a few hours to kill if you want to hang out Saturday. I told him I would firm it up with him on Friday to make sure, which I did, and he said he wanted to come see me. 

Im not sure how much of this I posted yesterday, so I apologize for the duplication if any. This morning I text him if we were still on for 11:30a and he said "Yes" and I was frankly surprised. A man who is following through with what they said, that is extraordinary. I was very nervous. Getting all the kids out of the house on time and getting ready. Making sure my house was giving the right first impression and that my bedroom is not too cluttered with kids stuff. Although I did not want to have sex, but I like to be prepared. There would be nothing worse that coming upstairs unexpectedly and my room looks like a drug den hotel room with dirty clothes all over the floor and empty Dr. Pepper cans. It is just not a good first impression. 

JF pick up the kids. His girlfriend came with. They both sit in the car as the kids go out. I wave, no one acknowledged that I was even there. I feel feisty about his inability for JF to be polite. This was a man that would Jehovas Witnesses into my house on the grounds that he "is always polite at least". I focused on this for a minute and then I went to sit on my couch and wait for for the new guy to show up. 

He did not tell me when he left and he did not give me an eta. I said 12n, he was there at 12:30. Lateness pisses me off. A lot. Probably more than it should but some people will never understand when you life is scheduled and occupied 98% of the time when you say a time you mean that time and you not showing up on time is just like a fuck you. I was not to upset about this when he showed up. Frankly the bar is so fucking low on expectations of a man I am just kicking it down the street at this point. 

He greets me with a hug and I let myself enjoy it. I really enjoyed it. I invite him into the living room to sit and talk. He tells me about his trip down here. He said he got about 1/2 way here and his daughter said she needed a ride to work for 2:30p. I said that was not good and I was disappointed but not surprised. For some reason I did not expect happiness and a good time from today. I know I am starting to sound like a downer but I just always expect for a man to let me down and they ALWAYS do. Whether it is a dick team member, a husband, a partner, a baby daddy they always fuck up and they are quickly loosing their luster to me. 

I think when he told me that he my face probably dropped. He asked me what I would have done today if I would not have hung out with him. I said I would have hung out with one of my friends. I got like 2 friends I would like to hang out with and I would have been with one of them, maybe, or maybe cone dick would have been dicking me down. I found this question odd. Did he have obligations today but still came to see me briefly to cock block me from another BBC? I am suspicious of that. He said he is going to see if he can get back here in time before my kids get back. We live about 40 minutes from each other and he told me where he needed to go, there was no way he would be back for any meaningful time. So I was like can your [adult daughter] take an Uber to work? He said she had a bad experience with that and she was not comfortable with that. Im not sure if I was able to hide the eye roll or not but I thought that reason was weak. 

We talk a bit and I dont get real involved because there is a time crunch and he is not telling me a time he has to go. But the time comes he wants to kiss me and say good bye. He kisses me on my neck while I sit on the couch. He smells good and I like a warm body so close to mine and my legs start to spread. It was like out of my hands at that point, I told him to follow me upstairs. At this point Im going to at least test drive the dick. Im going to fuck him and cut my losses and move about my business. I suck his dick. I am not feeling it. No particular reason I did not love it I just was not feeling it. He took a video of it. If you see it at the end of this post then I figured out how to add it to the post, if not you will just have to imagine. I notice on my face that I look stressed. I dont look like I am having fun and it is because I was not. We changed paces and he got a condom, which can I just say that's a win! A man who brings a condom and wears the fucking thing with no fucking complaining! That was so nice. He did get points for that. The dick felt good. He was good and fucking but he came too quick. I did not come, although I do not know if I would have even if I got enough time to. He got ready to go. We hugged good bye at the door and he said "I will let you know what I am doing, if I can get back down here". I just said Ok. I walked directly upstairs grabbed my vibrator and my phone and turned on my porn and spent about 25 minutes trying to fucking come. By the end I was sweating but I got it. A very small orgasm and just one but I did manage to get it. It has been months since I have been able to make myself come. Months!

So he did text me how much he likes to be with me (in my presence) and it was good to see me. He did not follow up on his plans for the rest of the day which I was not expecting but I was feeling so lonely. I had all this time alone and really nothing to do. The lonliness was eating me up. I was sad and I really wanted to be with someone, not even sexually, just I did not want to be alone. I made the best of it and went to the store, got myself a coke from McD and laid on the couch in the silence of my house watching Tik Tok. 

My kids return home from their day with their Dad. They walk in with toys from Target, about a $100 of toys from Target. I bag of leftovers from their dinner at the Cheesecake Factory, and wristbands from their time at the trampoline park. So this piece of shit can not give me money for their education or even get his son a hair cut but just dropped $300 in a couple hours. Meanwhile I am struggling! Not to mention I have wanted to go to the Cheesecake Factory so bad lately, that just added insult to injury. Im taking him to court. I have had enough. I wanted to believe that he would do what is best for his kids and I want him to be able to have fun with the kids but fuck I want to be able to feed and educate them and keep them in a house. Im was feeling so rageful about this. I can not even begin to articulate how this knocked the spirit out me. I felt so passed over and worthless in this moment. He does not even respect me enough to make sure we have the basics. I know he knows my parents will always take care of me if they can but jesus I can not do this anymore. I have nothing to lose by taking him to court. 

D told me to do this a long time ago, I am sorry I did not see his point on this sooner. 

After I sat with the kids and smiled and helped them put their toys together and loved on them, I called my Mom to vent. Kudos to my Mom because she does not always know what to say to help but she does try. I talk about "do I even want a relationship" and " this has not been a good year for me", I tell her D and I still are not talking and she is surprised by this. I want to tell her about the new guy but that seems like too much to share for someone who may not make it to Monday. 

It is this place of having to choose your future that is paralyzing to me. I have to choose to put JF on child support, I have to choose to pursue a real relationship or not. I remember feeling like this when I was trying to get pregnant with my last baby. It was the choice I was willingly making to bring another child into this world, not like the other two that were just there before I even knew what was happening. 

Im fucking mentally spent. So I

took a fucking Ambien and got a fucking shower and sat down here to empty my mind. 

Mentally Moving Away From D

 I have not talked to D in maybe a month. I have not been counting. I have been going through a process of trying to let him go. I try to imagine my life without him. I try to allow room in my mind for other men to be as good of a lover as he is. I allow myself to fantasize about what a relationship I want look like. Just that shift of trying not allow my thought to romanticize the antics of D has been helpful. There are moments in my day and come out of no where and I feel it deep in my chest. It is this feeling of panic and loss like grief is washing over me. I take a breath and I put my head down and I keep it moving. 

The new guy... So I was excited about the new guy and then I was overwhelmed about the thought of letting myself be vulnerable with someone. Even as I type it out I feel the angst in my body. It would just be so easy for me to stay single and just fuck people the way that I do and get my happiness on the good periods of the relationship with D. But I want better in my life. I want someone to share my life with, I want to fall in love again. I like loving someone and being deeply connected with someone. That might be surprising being that I generally just keep a dick team with little connection with my team members. 

I met the new guy in person the other day. It was a good meeting. He is attractive, and well spoken, educated, has a good job, a nice car, a personality. I liked him. When I was with him I just wanted to make it stop, I could feel myself trying to not allow myself to fully absorb what he was saying. Almost like a child putting their hands on their ears and saying " I cant hear you". It just felt like A LOT for me. It was overwhelming to me to think that I voluntarily showed up to meet a man that I want to fall in love with. It was a turning point of my walking away from D. I wanted to feel something when I saw him, like with JF I knew I was taken with him, but I was not allowing myself to feel anything at all.  When we parted ways the the feelings started to come. I started to allow myself to feel something. I feel excited for what this might be but I am also so scared. All the emotions are raw. I feel like as I move forward with getting to know someone with the intent to have a relationship I have to keep my head in check. It will take almost nothing to derail my thinking and for me to sabotage things. 

The Neighbor reaches out often. I can not be bothered to deal with him. The last few times the distance I kept between us while we were actually fucking made me feel like I am not doing what is best for me. I mean I just dont want dick so bad that I am willing to have such a disconnect experience. I know since I have not seen D I am missing the connection more than I am missing the dick. I have not even had a feeling to masturbate. The last couple times I have tried I have gotten no where.

Overall the emotions are running high and I just keep trying to beat them down into submission. This guy seems so normal and with lots of the same values as I have and made me feel good when I was with him. I am going to see him tomorrow. I am nervous about that. What if there is no connection? What if we have sex and it is not good? OMG I am so nervous! My stomach feels like I just got off a roller coaster. Updates to come tomorrow. 

New Guy

 There is this new guy on the scene. I dont know what his nickname should be, he is just the new guy, and new new, like I have just been talking to him of the week, but I feel excited about it. Or I did. All week I have felt excited and almost butterflies and maybe some sexual excitement. Today I have got in my head a bit today. Really I saw a picture of D and my body just felt sadness and desire to be with him. And all the butterflies for the new guy disappeared. 

Im pressing on, but I am somewhat disturbed by how dead inside I feel about any sexual activity with anyone. And how I can not imagine what sharing my life with someone new would be like. There defiantly feels like there is a significant block. The new guys dick pics did not excite me and I love a dick pic, and it was a nice dick but Im just like eh. 

I have not talked to D since the last two week or so ago. 

Just Out of Reach

 I have not talked to D since the other day, Im not sure what day. When we talked we both laughed a little about the state of his life. I may not be articulating that quite right but it was a moment where we both just kind of shook our head and was like "this is ridiculous". 

To sum it up I am just not thinking about him. I love him and all that but much like I have done in the past I have to put my feelers out there to see what it happening and if the universe will send me someone I can fall in love with and will sweep me off my feet. The last time the universe sent me JF, and well that lasted a good 10 years. 

The Jamaican has called me a few times. We are talking a little bit. He has a strong accent and I am good with accents but it is hard over the phone. I did not have trouble understanding him in person like I do on the phone. He does not love to text and so here we are. I dont have a burning desire to see him again but then again I do not have a burning desire for anything at the moment. 

Over the last 2 years I have gained weight and I and I am just not feeling at home in my body anymore. My body feels like it is controlling me rather then me controlling my body. I am getting older of course but my weight has felt like it just got to a place where I was not comfortable. This is mainly due to my meds I take to manage depression. It is a double edge sword. I can not imagine my life with out the meds but I really noticed their impact on my weight. 

So I have started on Wegovy to try to help me lose some of this weight. I have lost 15lbs so far and I am feeling more and more like myself each day. I am never going to be a small woman but I want to feel better in my skin and not feel uncomfortable like I had been at my highest. But with this meds comes some side effects. So one is nausea. It is not too bad, and really just started this week (the 4th week). But I have noticed that I have not been able to orgasm. Not by myself, not with the Jamaican, not after the Jamaican. I can not get there. This problem is not something I used to. I can usually make myself cum pretty fast. I need 30 secs to maybe 5 minutes tops and sometimes I cum with sex as soon as the dick gets inside. I was talking to my friend about this and she had said that the medication does work in the brain on pleasure centers and they are doing clinical trials on the med to see if it can be used to treat addiction. So while I thought maybe D just devastated me with his bullshit this may be more of a side effect of this medication. And that frankly is sad. I need to loose some weight though so I will take it and try my best to see if I can still have an orgasm. 

Replacements are In

 I talked to D a little the other day. He told me his communication needs work. I cant remember the conversation so much. It is just like same shit different day type of thing with him. 

Today I was feeling for a some dick and so I made it happen. I called the Jamaican from the other night. And left work in the middle of the day and made it happen. I was not nervous at all about this. I was not feeling butterflies. I was feeling indifferent. While I was waiting for him to get here I thought maybe I should pre-game a little with my vibrator so I cum more and he feels good about himself. I dont know why but I did not do it. He got here and he is attractive, and well built and a strong accent. He has his own house and car and phone and he is everything I want him to be. But I was not getting aroused. 

He did say this was the first time he had sex in 2 years and it felt like he had not done it in two years. That looked like we got right to it. We also had limited time because we both have children and this kind of meet up is not easy. I really was not getting wet. He was trying but it was not happening for me. He did manage to make it happen for a few minutes and then it just went away. I liked the way he was fucking me. I liked him and I wanted to have sex but it would not happen for me. This is one of the very few times I did not orgasm at all..not even a little bit. He lasted a while like 45 minutes, he did take a break 1/2 through and drank two bottles of water. He was so sweaty and shiny. I loved it but it never translated in to orgasm. He asked me to ride him and I did not want to. I wanted to but I dont feel comfortable doing that. I have only done it with D that I can remember and that took a lot of coaxing. I do love it when I do it but I just met him I am not feeling comfortable with that.

That was a lot of my take away from today, that I need to know him more and have some kind of connection with him. This is weird for me because fucking strangers has been some of the most fun I have ever had in my life. But I wanted to feel butterflies, I wanted to feel something at all. Even with neighbor we have a friend connection. We are clearly friends at this point, but I have not wanted to see him either. 

Maybe D broke me, maybe my heart is just looking for someone to heal it? Im not sure. I have never had such problems like not getting wet and not orgasming. I will totally try it again. 

And I almost forgot the part that people are always wanting to hear. He did not wear a condom and he did cum inside me. And I did kind of like that. :)

I even did some self play when he left trying to maximize the chance of an orgasm but I got very close. I could get right to the top of the orgasm where it is building and building like a roller coster and you get the top and you are just hovering at the top and just a whisper could send the coaster descending into bliss....but my coaster keep getting to the top and rolling the fuck back.