Another Day

 I have just been neglecting the blog because I dont want to think about so much and it really takes a lot of energy to put it all into words but here I am. Let's get right to it. 

D - I have heard nothing from D since June 27th. I dont know if I am surprised or not. I dont really expect him to call soon, but I know he will call me again. And what I think about now is what do I want to come out of my mouth the next time he calls. I dont want to be caught off guard and speak with something motivated by my pussy or worse yet my need to be loved by him. I want to speak words that give value and meaning to what pain he caused me. I want to honor myself and allow room for me to deny him access to me whenever he feels ready for it. I dont know if I will be able to do it, but I practice the conversations in my head. It is like I am preparing for battle. 

So since my last update I have just had sex 1x with a new guy. No name for now but it was good. It was sex, I did come a few times. I would have him over again probably but he does not pursue me and so I feel like I am not going to bother. I feel like D has made me hyper aware of when I am putting more effort into something than the man and so now I have kinda swayed the other direction. If a man wants me he is going to have to make a fucking effort. 

The neighbor tried to get me to come to his house tonight. I was so tempted but his family was out for like an hour and he has a camera and we would be fucking in his fucking house that he shares with his wife. It just feels a little too disrespectful for me. He says he has done it before and I am like damm that is so fucking wrong. I feel like cheating on your spouse is one thing but to be bring bitches into your marital home and fucking in your actual bed is a lot. Now having said that I did have D over to my house when I was married but my husband knew about it. (most of the time). Either way I feel like that shit bought me some bad karma and I dont want dick bad enough to do that. Can you imagine doing the walk of shame past his wife, two teenage kids, and his mom out of the house and then walking down the block to my house, while they all watched. I dont have words to explain how bad that would be. 

My sex drive is coming back. It took a short break with this medication I am taking for weight loss but it is creeping back in my life. It is not what it used to be but I feel it trending it the right direction. Down 28lbs now with this medication. That has been good. I am definitely starting to feel more comfortable in my body than I was a few months ago but still so far to go. 

I talk to a couple men here and there from Tinder but I am not feeling all that engaged. Frankly I find myself interested only when the mood strikes me and that might be 1 or 2 times a week. Other than that I dont care if I ever have another man in life. Like seriously I just feel like no man will ever make me feel the way I need to feel to want to include them in my life. I love D and I still had trouble imagining intertwined in my real life. Things like meeting my family, or like sitting at my sisters house watching the kids in the pool shooting the shit all day with my family seem like something I can envision ever wanting another person to be part of. Birthdays, holidays, vacations, at this point I am happy to do those things with my ex-husband over anyone else. Im actually wanting to do a will that includes my ex and his fiancé as guardians of my kids if something should happen to me and working on planning a vacation together. He feels like family to me and like someone I would prefer to spend my time with.  And to be clear this is not JF, this is my white ex-husband that I married in 2000 and divorced in 2011. 

JF left the country for a family emergency. I am still working on the custody and child support legal documents. He paid me $100 for July and August. I cant say that I am surprised. 

Im a little weary if I am honest. The situation with D really has knocked the wind out of me. I thought to myself maybe I should just go to his house. But that is ridiculous. I can not do anymore to make this man want to be with me. I just want the closure, or at least the ability to know what the fuck is going on. 

Now I did make a tentative dick appointment for tonight with this Jamaican guy I saw a few weeks ago. He lives about 30 mins from me and I would be going to his house. Now here is the fucking ridiculous part. I dont really want to go. I just want to go to bed. I want some dick and its been a hot minute but I dont know if I want it enough leave my house at 9m (bc his son needs to go to bed 1st). But I really want a fountain soda and chicken fingers from this restaurant near him so I am considering just because I dont want to make the trip just for chicken and soda. SMFH that is crazy. I think I am going to pass on all of it tonight, Chicken, soda and dick. I just want to go to bed. 

Contradictions

 So this new guy is on notice. I can not quite tell if I am making nothing into something or if he is gas lighting me. And I hate that term but really it feels like that is what is happening. This was the 2nd time I felt this and I had to stand back and understand if it was me or him. We talked on the phone, I think he hung up on me because he was irritated but I'm not quite sure. Either way I feel like this one is a crash and burn. He made me cry over text today because he was using all caps and said SMMFH and I just thought that was a lot for the conversation we were having, Then he called me to clarify because we just were miscommunication but he sounded sweet on the phone but then did the quick hang up and I just thought that was weird, but he was at work. I dont know. But if I have to think that hard on it I dont think it is right. 

So I have been on the search for someone that makes me feel something. And I am struggling. At this point I have been acting like it is my job to find someone new and I have observed a few things. I dont even like men and I can not even believe there are men in this world that I have loved. How did we go from fucking to me loving them? Men seem so unlovable in my head right now. There are lots of men that are very attractive or at least some what attractive that I immediately block because I just cant ever see myself being with them. The image of me with them does not go together in my head. One guy got blocked because he had a white dog. Others because they look like they travel too much or there are cars in their profile pics. Some were blocked because they talk about wanting to have go out and have fun and frankly I can not even begin to imagine wanting to go out and spend time with anyone. But I am still lonely. What I am is horny and I want D to dick me down like only he knows how and then I want him to leave and come back when I want it again. And I want to go out to dinner or hang out on the couches of my friends more often. 

This place of disliking men is new for me. I see lots of men that look like they might be great men but my guy reaction is ick, to all of them. Like how do I get over the hump of looking at a man and just feeling disgust to loving a man. And maybe I am just pushing things a bit to fast. I know I am. But I need a new lover that can do what D did to me, or close. I cant love someone who can not make me orgasm. It won't happen for me. For me sex comes first and then connection. But the type of sex I want makes men see me as just that-they see me merely as the best pussy they ever had and not as someone who wants to be loved too. But I dont want to be loved all the time. Sometimes I just want to be left alone to handle shit in my life and I certainly do not need a man to walk up in here and start acting like he knows what I need. But I also need that exactly because I feel like I am most happiest when I am submissive to a man. It is such a fucking contradiction. I want a man to lead but I will fight him with everything I have to keep leading, but I desperately want a man to take the fucking lead already. 

And I am so turned off by white men, almost to the point that they scare me a little. Sometimes I see their picture and I am reminded of the "normal" looking Chris Watts. But I dont want to limit my search to only black men, because some white men can fuck. I feel like I am looking for a needle in a haystack.

Talking to men on the apps, they dont know how to carry a conversation, they do not ask questions, they do not ask to make plans. It is like they are waiting for me to do everything. If I have to do everything then I will fuck myself too and that will be that. 

Now having said all of that, there maybe some great men out there, but I feel like I need one who really wants to prove it to me. Im feeling just a little bit like I am going to be alone forever. I know to be careful what I wish for, the last time I wished for something it was another baby and I was pregnant a week later. Maybe I am just not ready. I need some closure with D. 

I also took a full body pic of myself today as requested. It was not good. I hate shit like that. I am the most modest slut I have ever encountered. Naked pictures no problem, fully dressed ehhhh not my favorite.