Roll Call

 Life has been just been moving. I have not had not too much interest in looking at how I am feeling lately. And so I tend to stay away from the blog when I am feeling that way. Sometimes it is easier not to get in touch with how I feel. But I am feeling a burst of self-actualization bubbling up and I want to document it. 

The Updates:

D- D has not called. I feel indifferent about it 6 out 7 days but there is about 1 day a week where I feel devastated. I did email his brother. I did not hear back from him either. Perhaps it is a family trait. I do want some closure with D. And I want is selfishly because I know that if I move on without it I will be so easy for him to climb back into my world and I dont necessarily want that. Once I grieve it and let it go I want it to go. I want to close that book and I want it to stay closed. If I dont get the answers I need the second he comes back I will be so willing to entertain him because I will still be craving him. I am working on it. It is a process of understanding and grieving and allowing it die. It's sad. A man that I have been willing to devote my life to for 20 some years has chosen to end our relationship and has not even had the decency to talk to me about it. It is tragic and traumatic and I dont know if I will ever fully heal from it. 

The Tinder Crew:

I have have met a few people of tinder with mixed results. 

T-shirt guy- Talked a good game but does some low key disrespectful things regarding my time an does not know or want to engage in meaningful conversation despite claiming he wants a meaningful relationship.  His words and actions were not matching. That situation is just slowing fading away. I only had sex with him once. He say something about his expectation of monogamy while we were just in the talking stage and I thought that was really strange. 

Island Man- I like this island man. His lives simplistically and I am so attracted to people who live simply and dont have drama in their life. We only had sex 1x too back in July. It was not bad and I would try it again. He is hard to understand on the phone and this is a barrier to us developing and kind of connection. He did mention tonight when I spoke to him he did not want me to be with anyone else and I told him that monogamy is a huge commitment and not where we are currently at in our relationship. 

Maybe Republican - He said he did not know who he was going to vote for, this made me angry. I just dont understand how you do not know how you are going to vote in this election. I did have sex with him 1x. It was not bad but lacked the vigor and passion that I needed. I want to feel exhausted and fucked when I am done. 

AC Man - He is cool. The dick is good, he is my age. He is not a strong leader in the bedroom and there is something awkward about it all. I can not put my finger on it yet but I am having trouble connecting with him. I have seen him 2x. 

Mr. Determind - He is a few years older than me. Age does not so much bother me but he kinds of seems older. We have been talking since June and I just met him Friday. He has a nice dick and he made me cum with his mouth countless times. This man invoked feelings for me. I fell into the feeling of submission with him. I wanted to give myself to him, I wanted to make him happy. He was so gentle with me and gave me so much pleasure. At the end I felt like I had not done enough for him. He really has sparked my interest. I am going to see him again Monday. He has reinvigorated my sex drive. I thought I was just not interested in sex but with him I am interested again. I would be there right now if I could. 

Other things are as they should be. I have not seen the neighbor, not sure if I want to. 

Indifference

 Indifference consumes me most of my day in the last few weeks. I have this void of feelings and therefore very little motivation to blog as I just have not cared enough about anything to give it a place in these pages. I will get right to the updates. 

I had sex on the 28th with a new guy. His dick was supposed to be bigger than it was. It was not bad but he was on the young side and I dont know if I felt comfortable or not with him. We did not have chemistry. It was not hot. It just was sex. But I would do it again if I had to. I only went to see him because my body needed it. I was starting to have sex dreams everynight and I would wake myself up in the bed moving my hips like I was riding a dick. I had to do something despite not wanting to be bothered during my waking hours. 

D has not called in a little over 2 months. I dont really feel sad about this. I am apathetic to it at this point. There are days that I wonder what in the hell he is doing with himself and I think about forcing myself on him but I never do. I am not that desperate. If D does not want me, then he does not want me. I have been in this place before and it hurts so bad in the beginning and at certain times (Like our daughters birthday). But I try to keep my chin up and move on. And frankly if I found dick as good as his would I miss him so much? I wonder. And I am defentintly on the hunt for it. I need to test that theory. I have not come across any dick that comes close to D at this time and that is hard to swallow. 

I have this weird fantasy of D being at my house one day when I get home from work. And us just immediately start making out and go right to intense fucking. I am reminded of the sex we had when he got back from Trinidad. It was intense. We fucked right there on the kitchen floor. There was no even walking upstairs. 

The part that bothers me is the not knowing. I think about all kinds of stories of where his mind is at but I dont lose too much sleep over it. He usually passes my mind  once or twice a week and I keep it moving. In my head I know this is not that end, so I look at this as a break. But I could be kidding myself. 

It is a fine line about what love means. I get lost in thoughts of what I am willing to except. I get lost in the  thinking about what I want a loving relationship to be like. However I am always pulled back to love is not a choice. It is not a choice. It is something I feel like I have no control of, my body will tell me who I love and I will feel it in every part of my body. Love is not logical and it is not fair sometimes. 

The men I have been talking to over the summer are still on my texts, but they are not pursuing me like I need them to. They dont pursue they say "Let me know when you have some time" which just seems lazy. Man I need you to make sure I know you want me. I want to feel wanted, not like you are going through the motions. And I also want to feel that love at first sight. It was how it was for my ex-husband, for JF, and most definitely for D. I had big feelings immediately. And I have not felt that with anyone else. I want to feel it in every part of my life. 

And then there are the kids. Most days I think I will just be single until my kids get older. The thought of going out to see a man vs. laying in bed with my 7 year old while she drifts off to sleeps makes me feel guilt in my bones. They need me a lot. And when they dont need me I am so fucking tired I dont want to be bothered. I also find that seeing a man 1x a week and talking 1 or 2x a week is about what I want. That is where D and I were and that felt right to me. Talking everyday feels excessive. 

Overall I just feel like I am not willing to bring a man into my life because I think there is no room for one. I let D in because he has been part of my life for so long but that did not end well.

I am thinking of meeting a new guy Monday. I do need some dick and this guys dick looks to be big enough for me so fingers crossed he will make me feel what I am looking to feel. I want my eyes to well up with tears when he slides the dick in. Is that so much to ask for?