A little bit of Peace

 I started thinking about D a little bit today. Today was a hard day to swallow the sadness. I called his number and blocked my number. The call was sent right to voicemail. My heart started to race. Then I saw on facebook I reached out to his friend a few months ago and sent him a friend request, to which he accepted recently. And I thought to myself. D better watch his fucking step because I am not a reactive person. I dont act in haste and I dont do things without thinking them through but this fuck face man is going to make me befriend his best friend and fuck him and then fuck his brother and fuck up all his relationships. And then he will be all by himself drinking his beers all alone. And that brings me peace. 

Low Places

 I am feeling a little bit low tonight. I have been going balls to wall non stop this whole month. School is in full swing, sports are happening, fall fun is all around us and I am just up at 5am and non-stop til about 7pm. Tonight as I laid on my couch, where I collapsed after making dinner (still with my apron on) I felt low for lack of a better term. I tried to sort out what this feeling was. It did not feel like plain sadness. For a few moments I thought do I miss a man right now? And I even started to think that is what I missed, but I dont think it was that. What I wanted was for someone to clean my house while I laid on the couch and stared into my phone and escaped reality.  I wanted a good meal and a good sleep and maybe that was it. I tried to amuse myself with the men I talk to, but no one was paying me much attention to me tonight. Even that did not bother me. I really could not figure out what this feeling was and I could not articulate it.  This is odd for me. My ability to communicate my feelings is very good but maybe knowing what the feelings are or the root cause of them...maybe not so much.

I finally exasperated with myself, I text my friend a long text about how I think I miss having a man in my life and all this other stuff about how I might be feeling. She reminds me " we are just getting our periods" and that it is not the absence of a man that I miss. Ah yes, why do I never remember this? It for sure is my period that is creating this lowness. Nonetheless I want this feeling to go away. 

I have also talked a little bit about how I have been taking a GLP-1 medication and I have lost 37lbs now. The side effects for me is nausea. It is reminiscent of pregnancy nausea and it is is not fun. But I am committed to the mission. While I never aspire to be small I just needed to get healthier. I am getting there. 

There is nothing to report on D. I am gathering evidence I need him to sue him for the money he owes me and that is tedious and emotionally hard to re-read old text etc. But I am doing it. 

And because I am a true masochist I am also similanously finding the evidence I need to sue JF for stealing my car and shipping it to Africa without my permission. 

I need to give myself some grace because these are hard things to relive. 

There is a guy I like a little bit, I dont have a name for him. He is like 52 but seems to present a bit older to me. I like him but he does not text consistently and does not have meaningful conversations with me. And I dont remember even what he did last week but I texted my friend that he would need to move to the "dick only pile" meaning his dick is good but I cant get connected to him and he will only ever be just a dick. 

Then there is this other guy who is my age, that I like, he lives like a good hour away but I like him. He is friendly, I feel connected when we talk on the phone and when we text. He is responsive but we had plans for the day and he canceled on me citing he was not feeling well. 

Once you have been ghosted by a person I feel like you second guess everything. Were there signs that I was being left before it happened? I truly do not believe he gave me signs when we were together. It was business as usual and we were good. So I just never saw what was coming. 

My daughter, the  7 year old, said to me "I have not seen D in awhile". I said in the most Mary Poppins voice I could muster " Yeah, I know, I have not seen him either", she presses with "where is he"? I lie to her and say "he is working a lot lately and I have been working a lot lately"and I follow up for good measure "sometimes I see him a lot and sometimes I dont see him for awhile".  She accepted this answer but I silents cried in the darkness of my car as we drove home. I let D into her life and she really liked him. She liked spending time with him. He would pick her up and hug her and she would just love it. They would talk and she loved the attention.  She has seen D much more in the last 2 years than she has seen her own Dad. How did I allow to let two men break her heart? 

I am trying so hard to raise this child by myself and ensure she does not have Daddy issues but Christ men are fucking horrible. As I think back through my life I think about the men that shaped my life that participated in my life in a regular way. Lets deep dive that a moment? 

My Dad - not a bad man but too selfish to put his kids needs in front of his own needs. Unnecessarily burdened my mom and increase her instability as a mother.  

My brother - I have one positive memory of him. Just One! He was an asshole for a brother my whole life and as much as I loved him when I was younger he treated me like shit. 

My Male Soccer Coach - a local doctor who coached my soccer team in maybe 6 or 7th grade. He would touch all the girls in ways that made them uncomfortable but not in a clear enough way that it looked sexual. The last day I played on that team I remember him coming up to me for no reason and rubbing my back, and I said "Dont touch me" and he went in further with it and I physically moved his hand off of me and yelled "I said dont fucking touch me again".  I was 12/13 at most and had to assert myself to my coach to stop touching me. 

Male teachers, one was alcoholic, one they called a child molester (idk how he got the name but he was creepy af), one was ANGRY all the time and would throw shit at kids and dump their desks out on them. 

Male bosses : took advantage of me within the realm of work, overstepped boundaries that were work related, in the end created a hostile work enviorment because I knew too much. Fried me and I had to sue him (which was sucessful). 

I literally can not think of one male figure in my life that did not have serious flaws! There was not that many of them but they all seems to be so flawed and selfish and angry. 

But the women in my life even if they were not particularly helpful they were not harmful. I never looked at them and thought what a piece of shit. I never was a victim at the hands of a woman. I never felt unsafe among the women in my life. 

I m not sure where I was going with that but it was something I needed to say. Men need to do better. For some inexplicable reason men have always been allowed to be angry and scary and piss poor pseudo leaders and I am just so fucking tired of men. This male hatred had really been deep in my spirit lately. 

And I will say that there are some great men in my life now. My brother in law is a good guy, my ex husband is a good man, I know some men I play with that I feel safe with but I dont always feel safe with a man. And in a moment of great personal revelation it occurs to me that to be submissive means to not upset them. If I dont upset them then they will not be mad at me, because if they get mad at me I am scared of what they will do to me. 

25 minutes

 25 minutes of free time is what I had today. I woke at 6:30am and like a bat out of hell I start my day. And it did not quit until 4:30 when I dropped my daughter off for dance class. All the kids were at their sports and I had 25 minutes to do anything I wanted to do. I start with calling this guy I have been talking to. He is the absolute worst at texting but phone calls are usually good, so if I want to get to know him and build any kind of connection with him then I need to call him. He did not answer. So I went upstairs to make myself cum. I turn on some porn and I try to get it there. After about five minutes it is clear to me I am not going to be able to do this with out some dick. I text the neighbor, "Can you come fuck me right now"? at this time I had 14 minutes left.  I swear to God by the time I got up to let him in I see him pulling up. We are getting the clothes off while we are walking to the bedroom.  I start sucking his dick. He says "my mind has not caught up with my dick yet" which made me laugh. I love when I have a good laugh with a stiff dick. We fucked for 12 minutes, he did not cum, he asked me if I was good and I was and it was a win win. I did not need to deal with the cum, and I was relaxed and invigorated all at the same time. 

I wanted to invite the one guy, the bad texter, to stop by but he is not giving me the vibe I need. I want his dick but he seems a bit miserable. He keeps reaching out, so I dont know. 

There is another guy I want to see but I think I need to work tomorrow so it might have to wait til later in the week. I do just want to lay in bed and cuddle and fuck all day. I really want that. 

I did move forward with the child support being filed with the court. I did it yesterday. I feel good about it. I try to live my life by not making choices in anger or hurt. When I react I like to take the time to see what it is I really want to do. I took my time on this and I feel empowered on this. More legal shit to come. 

Enter to the scene D's brother. I have been talking with him. I am still figuring out how I feel about that but I keep doing it. 

....and I will still get the DICK!

 There is a revolution happening inside of my body and mind. My spirit has been woken and I feel a vigor and passion for taking control of my life that I have never really felt. 

I have talked about this desire to go to a Women's Rights Rally and how I feel like I could see myself setting a car on fire and all kinds of other shit. A button has been pushed inside of me and what comes after that trigger no one knows. 

The other day was so busy. I just had a million things to do, one of which was fix the home internet and I needed to go to the store for that. When I got dressed for the day I did not plan on going out. I had on this comfortable pair of shorts, which are a little bit too big for me, and a little long and quite frankly I look and feel a little butch when I wear them. Then I paired them with crocs because as I thought I am not on this earth to have men look at me. I dont want men to look at me. I dont want to interact with men on any level in public. I dont want a man to see me and want to fuck me. I want to be left alone to do what I have to do and I will let a man know when his dick is needed.  Otherwise please sit down sir. 

And what sums up my new feelings on this topic is something I text my friend yesterday. "Today I look like a whole dyke walking around town and I will still get the dick I want". Im done trying anything for these men. Am I even submissive anymore? That remains to be seen but I will tell you I am not feeling like it. 

So the update on D. I am not sure where I left off so there might be some re-telling of the same story. I finally gave in and contacted D's brother. I am glad I did. He said something to me that helped me put things into perspective. He said " Look at his work history for the last 10 years, he is not stable" and it was this reassurance that yes indeed other people saw his flaws. He loves him and sees his flaws and has kind of put him in a box and knows what to do with that situation now.  He did not have anything earth shattering to tell me but  it was cathartic and I am glad I did it. 

D has not called or text or emailed or stopped by. I had a therapy session about this. And I made peace with this. The therapist said something to me about "what do I feel is acceptable moving on" and it was like a light bulb went off for me. This does not need to be the end for D's dick. It is for sure the end of me giving him the gift of monogamy (or really close to monogamy) and entertaining the idea of us sharing a life together. That for sure is over and that feels ok with me. What was getting to me was this idea that when D shows back up, like I know he will, that I had to turn him away. I can still take his dick and send him on his way. I am very good at keeping men in a box per se and not letting emotions get the best of me. I dont just fall in love with men I fuck. I dont even like some of the men I fuck. Fucking is fucking and friendship and love are very different things. If D comes around again and I want to fuck him I will. If D's brother comes around and I want to fuck him, I will. If the neighbor or cone dick, or any other man on the roster comes around and wants to fuck then I will. I will do what ever feels good to me and I will feel zero guilt on this. This feels more in line with what D and I relationship has always been. I dont know what he felt like he need to fill my head and push this monogamous shit on me when I think we both knew it was not right for us. Either way, I feel good. 

With this new revolution is a fucking end of me feeling taken advantage of. I am filing for child support  and custody with JF. We have never had a legal agreement. I am taking him to court for stealing my car and I am D, who owes me a little bit of money, has be notified he needs to start paying me or I will be filing a claim against him.  The winds of change are blowing and I am so fucking tired of the dumb shit I have been through with men.

Having said that there are some men I have been talking to and it's going. I dont feel an instant need to be with them but they are keeping me entertained. 

I generally can not see myself living with a man ever, if I do not have to. Why would I? If my money is in a place where I can afford my house, car and my life what can a man bring me? If it is broke I fix it. I dont crave company of a man. Im not afraid to live a lone, go out alone, or be alone. Dick is really the only thing and a little bit of touching. That can all be taken care of when I invite someone over. I always reserve the right to change my mind but in this current state it just does not seem like a benefit to me. 

The two guys I am entertaining they have good dick and they they fuck well and they make me happy. Im not looking to change anything at the moment.