He showed up. I was nervous about that. I hate to admit it to myself but D had me too fucked up to even understand that was a problem. He text me the "Im On my way!" text and before I knew it he was here. Today's vibe, a little bit different than last week. Not bad by any means but different. First let me start with I was hyper today. I dont know what got into me but I was needing a lot of mental stimulation today. I wanted to talk a lot, I also wanted to move around in the down time but I also enjoyed hanging out in the bed. He came in and we just go upstairs because why not that is where we want to be anyway. I was wearing a t-shirt and pants, but I quickly take my pants off and hop into the bed. I press him a little on this because if he wants to fuck me he will need to initiate things. We end up talking for like an hour while we lay in bed half naked. I felt really content in these moments. I felt like I was able to get to know him better and he is letting his beard grow in and I like that a lot. I just felt peaceful in his company. I enjoyed his touch and I trust him. It's a weird place to be to feel all those things with one man. I can not remember exactly how things moved along once we got tired of talking but they did. His dick was rock hard and felt just as fantastic as last week. And while I believe his dick is bigger than D's (although it getting harder to remember) he does not hurt me with it. Where D seemed to have took things too far at times, but that is part of the addiction with him was the high highs and the very low lows. There was hardly ever any middle of the road. Love Bombing or ghosting is my choice.
I mentioned to Big D, that I wanted to try fisting with him. He had never done it but he was open to it. And damm if he did not go for that today. Can this man get a round of applause. I asked and he responds positively again. And again he did not hurt me, as D sometimes did. I cant stress that enough. Sex with D always felt like someone beat me up or I did an Olympic sport or something. I used to love parts of it but some of it made me feel crazy by the end of the day. Why is it this man can fuck me all day with his big dick and fist me and fuck my ass and I am not in pain.
You read that right. He fucked my ass. We talked about it and I was not sure because his dick is big but I said I was open to trying. He was so slow and good at reading my body. At one point I grabbed the lube and told him that I was nervous putting more lube on it because I was afraid it would just slip in too fast, but he reacted by showing so much restraint that I was putting it in my ass and backing up onto him. Anal sex is a trust fall for me. I have to believe that you will not hurt me and you will take care of me emotionally because it is intimate. More intimate than regular sex.
D always wanted me on my knees to do anal. And in all of our years together I only managed to do that with him 1x. I just could not get it from the back it just hurt too much. And the best part today was when our bodies seamlessly moved from the side to me on my knees and he fucked me from the back. I would be lying if I said D did not pop into my head. Look at me now D, look at how he can get the dick exactly how he wants it and you cant! Not only can he not that in 22 years he only ever managed it 1x.
We rested and we talked. He fell asleep, I did some email answering and internet shopping while he slept for about 20 mins. I wanted to get up and do something but I also was not done having sex. We went to do it again and as we were getting right to the peak my daughter comes home with the other two kids. I caught her before they came in and told her she needed to give me 10 minutes because there was no way I was introducing this man to my kids. To be clear this man is great but they dont even know that I do not see D anymore and I am not up for the questions. So our day got cut short. But overall very satisfying.
Im not sure where my feeling lie here. I dont know how to want a man in my regular life and not just want him as a fuck toy. It is weird. With JF (the father of my youngest) we had a kid together immediately so it was easy to blend because we had to. But where do things go from here? How does one have a regular relationship? I dont know what this looks like. And as I type that I am reminded that my relationship can look like anything I want it to, but what do I want?