Wednesday, November 27, 2024

Trust Fall

He showed up. I was nervous about that. I hate to admit it to myself but D had me too fucked up to even understand that was a problem. He text me the "Im On my way!" text and before I knew it he was here. Today's vibe, a little bit different than last week. Not bad by any means but different. First let me start with I was hyper today. I dont know what got into me but I was needing a lot of mental stimulation today. I wanted to talk a lot, I also wanted to move around in the down time but I also enjoyed hanging out in the bed. He came in and we just go upstairs because why not that is where we want to be anyway. I was wearing a t-shirt and pants, but I quickly take my pants off and hop into the bed. I press him a little on this because if he wants to fuck me he will need to initiate things. We end up talking for like an hour while we lay in bed half naked. I felt really content in these moments. I felt like I was able to get to know him better and he is letting his beard grow in and I like that a lot. I just felt peaceful in his company. I enjoyed his touch and I trust him. It's a weird place to be to feel all those things with one man. I can not remember exactly how things moved along once we got tired of talking but they did. His dick was rock hard and felt just as fantastic as last week. And while I believe his dick is bigger than D's (although it getting harder to remember) he does not hurt me with it. Where D seemed to have took things too far at times, but that is part of the addiction with him was the high highs and the very low lows. There was hardly ever any middle of the road. Love Bombing or ghosting is my choice. 

I mentioned to Big D, that I wanted to try fisting with him. He had never done it but he was open to it. And damm if he did not go for that today.  Can this man get a round of applause. I asked and he responds positively again. And again he did not hurt me, as D sometimes did. I cant stress that enough. Sex with D always felt like someone beat me up or I did an Olympic sport or something. I used to love parts of it but some of it made me feel crazy by the end of the day. Why is it this man can fuck me all day with his big dick and fist me and fuck my ass and I am not in pain. 

You read that right. He fucked my ass. We talked about it and I was not sure because his dick is big but I said I was open to trying. He was so slow and good at reading my body. At one point I grabbed the lube and told him that I was nervous putting more lube on it because I was afraid it would just slip in too fast, but he reacted by showing so much restraint that I was putting it in my ass and backing up onto him. Anal sex is a trust fall for me. I have to believe that you will not hurt me and you will take care of me emotionally because it is  intimate. More intimate than regular sex. 

D always wanted me on my knees to do anal. And in all of our years together I only managed to do that with him 1x. I just could not get it from the back it just hurt too much. And the best part today was when our bodies seamlessly moved from the side to me on my knees and he fucked me from the back. I would be lying if I said D did not pop into my head. Look at me now D, look at how he can get the dick exactly how he wants it and you cant! Not only can he not that in 22 years he only ever managed it 1x. 

We rested and we talked. He fell asleep, I did some email answering and internet shopping while he slept for about 20 mins. I wanted to get up and do something but I also was not done having sex. We went to do it again and as we were getting right to the peak my daughter comes home with the other two kids. I caught her before they came in and told her she needed to give me 10 minutes because there was no way I was introducing this man to my kids. To be clear this man is great but they dont even know that I do not see D anymore and I am not up for the questions. So our day got cut short.  But overall very satisfying. 

Im not sure where my feeling lie here. I dont know how to want a man in my regular life and not just want him as a fuck toy. It is weird. With JF (the father of my youngest) we had a kid together immediately so it was easy to blend because we had to. But where do things go from here? How does one have a regular relationship? I dont know what this looks like. And as I type that I am reminded that my relationship can look like anything I want it to, but what do I want? 

Tuesday, November 26, 2024

A week of contentment

 Big D is coming over tomorrow. Part of me is expecting him not to show up because D has me conditioned to be ready for that. I would mentally prepare myself by not getting too excited for his visit. And if he did not show I was not devastated and could survive with out the crushing feeling of rejection. It is so sad that I was ok with putting up with that.  I am trying to let myself give into the feeling the Big D will show up when he said he will but I feel like I am not letting it happen. 

Since he last visited he is all I have thought of. D has not been occupying my mind like he once did. Instead of fantasying about D, it is now reliving the moments with Big D that come flooding into my mind during the idle moments. It has been a good week. 

I find myself trying not to rush my feelings and expectations, but I so wish for the comfort of a deep relationship that only comes with time. 

I notice I have been spending more time enjoying the company of my children. This is a result of my mind becoming more free. When my mind is cloudy with the sadness of the bullshit relationship with D then I can focus on other things. And also Big D makes my body feel as good as D did if not better and I feel like I am not searching for the next fuck. I have a lot of free energy when I am not searching for dick. 

More details when Big D leaves tomorrow....assuming he shows up. 


Tuesday, November 19, 2024

Pretty Huge Dick

 Today there is a different vibe in my house and in my walk. My chest is not heavy and my mind feels relaxed and calm. The reason for this change in my mood... good dick of course!

I woke up at 4am for some reason and like a cigarette habit I pick up the phone to look at it for no reason. And this guy I have been seeing sees I am online and says hello. In the middle of the night I ask him to come over in the morning. I was not stressed I was just reacting to what my body wanted at 4 am. Now this guy needs a name because I feel like he might be a major player. Up until now I have been on the fence but today put me over the fence and now I am interested. Now his name starts with D so that won't work but I feel like Big D works because his big dick is really a huge selling point for me. So Big D will be his name. 

He is like 7 or 8 years older than me. Which is perfect for me, because even when I was younger there was nothing more attractive to me then a 50 something year old black man. It is the sweet spot for me.  Physically I would say he is average, he is a little shorter than me. I am 5'9, so maybe he is 5'8ish, he shaves his head, dresses casually, has a home and car and is a contributing member of society. So a win in so many ways. He is not very dominant, or at least not the way I am used to. He is quiet and simplistic. I would say his is laid back, made to a fault. We talked for almost 3 months before we talked about sex. And I am the one the brought it up. Conversations are getting better. He reminds me of my first husband in the way that he does not need to talk the way I do. I like to talk. I like to communicate. Sharing ideas and stories and point of views but him like with my ex they just are wired a little bit different. I have noticed as we have become more comfortable with each other his conversation he is better and better and sharing ideas and I am am learning more about him. 

Two things happened that made me open my mind to him. His response to me telling him that his texting skills sucked and that I did not want him to text me unless he had time for a conversation. He was big on texting me then I respond then 3 hours later he texts again. But once I mentioned it he has been good. And I was also a bitch to him and he was not deterred. I can not highlight enough how big of a bitch I was to him. I was giving full bitch energy and he did not miss a beat. It is amazing. And men keep that in mind, women deal with so much and sometimes all the stress comes out a bitchiness. The least men can do is be the sounding board and absorb some of that bitch energy. 

He comes over today. I was not particularly in the mood for sex or for anything really but I told myself I am not going to initiate sex because I hate that. If he wanted to fuck he was going to have to make a move or we were going to sit and talk all afternoon. I did have a night shirt on, (picture a t-shirt just long enough to cover my ass) and I did slip off the panties before I sat down on the bed. He was awkward a little but he quickly took his clothes off and got on the bed with me. We kiss a little, I am not a fan of kissing. If I never did it again that would be cool with me. Before I know it he is going down on me. And at first I feel a little guilty for being on the receiving end of the pleasure.  He stops and I anticipate sucking his dick but no, he tells me to get on my knees so he can fuck me from that back. I told him we needed to do that since we never got to it the last few times. I happily flip over and prepare myself for this. His dick is big. I think it is maybe slightly shorter than D, but thicker than D maybe. It's pretty damm big. I dont realize just how big it is until he presses on to my pussy and has to work it in a little bit. For the regular readers you know that my favorite moment of sex is when the pussy is first stretched for that first thrust and true ecstasy when the tears fall from my eyes with the intense pleasure. There were tears of pleasure today and he slowly moved in further and before I knew it I was fucking him. And then he was fucking me like a young man and I dont have words for it. It hit the spot I have been looking for. We fucked for a good amount of time and he finally did come inside of me. We laid together in the bed, with his semi hard cock pressed up against my ass and we talked. 

His touch did not bother me today. I was open to it. I would not say I reveled in it, but it was okay that another man other than D was holding me the way he was. It felt good but it felt strange. He starting touching me again and I was rubbing his dick and like a mother fucking champion his dick was rock hard again and he fucked me from the the side. This was also an amazing position, this might have made me cry with pleasure. It was so intense. I think the different positions today really accentuated how big his dick is. He went down on me some more. He was trying to get me to squirt today but for some reason I could not do it. But he REALLY did try. He finally put my legs on his shoulders and entered me again and this time we made eye contact as he fucked me and I totally succumbed to the pleasure he was giving me. 

What it better than D? It was really a contender. I would say maybe overall score he would be better than D as D never makes me cum with oral. But I am coming with oral and dick. D is a different experience because there is that mind fuck there. But it has also been six months since I fucked D and  dont remember enough to compare. I need a side by side comparison. I do know that my body does not hurt after 2 hours of fucking. It was all pleasure and no pain and I dont hate that. 

If experience will tell me anything as soon as this thing with Big D takes off then D will pop up. 

Monday, November 18, 2024

I have died everyday waiting for you...

 I did a physic reading today. I dont know what pushes me to do these things but throughout my life I have found peace and guidance through input from spiritual guides and psychic mediums. They have been so spot on correct at times that I have been stunned by the things I realized were correct. Most recently was the one I spoke to in June about D, who did tell me that D would call me in the month and he did. He said all the things she had expected. They always let me know that I have the power in this situation. Today was no different. She reminded me of the things that I already knew. She confirmed that he loves me and he is being honest that he takes these breaks because he gets stressed. She said she sees us as soul mates and that it makes sense that I can not move on so easily in this situation. She said so much that all made sense to me but she also said he is coming back and he will not be able to finish the year out without contacting me. I dont know if I believe it but it gave me enough peace to get through the next month or so. 

I know we have all heard it all before but I love him with such intensity I can not articulate it. I know when I was married (to my white husband) he was always upset with me for the way that I would defend D. He would say "it is like D can do not wrong to you" and this is indeed how I see it. What D has done is so hurtful and upsetting to me but it is not lost on me that I do things that are just as bad sometimes. I am no angel and I hurt people - even people I love. I have an issue with sex and he has an issue with dependability. Who is to say which is more or less righteous? How am I not the villain but he is the villain every time? 

I think about how I have loved the men in my life and what that loved manifested itself to look like and what my boundaries were in those relationships. In those relationships I was defiantly not submissive or even an equal partnership. I led those relationships. I led them evidently right into the ground. With D, I can not lead, he leads and I am happy to let him lead, most of the time. And when I think of all the things he has done, I can so easily forgive him. I forgive him with my whole heart, and I jump in and I do it all over again. And like a badge of honor I carry that pain because there is never too much pain that I will endure when it comes to the people of love. And when I say the people I love, I really mean my kids, my family and D. who I do not talk to, if he needed me I would do everything I could to help him. 

Even my attraction to D is unexplained to me sometimes. I do not know why my spirit is pulled him so intently. It is not just the sex. The sex is amazing but I have had amazing sex with other people, most notably last week. Part of me hates this pull and part of me feels like without this tie to D I do not know who I am. How do I even exist with out D in my life. Be it D as my boyfriend, D as my sometime lover or D as baby daddy, without D I feel so empty. 

I am trying to move on so hard. I am going through the steps. I am meeting new people (even ones you do not get the details on here). I am keeping an open mind and I am trying to give myself time to understand how I feel and let me feel connected to someone new.  There are some people that sound great and there is chemistry with but I lack that drive to keep in going. Part of me does think I should not get invested because I know D will be back and part of me thinks that my world as I know has ended and I better learn how to love someone else. 

I still cant cry about it. I just can not get there. I want to cry so badly. If I could give it real world comparison I would say it is kind of like I have gone to war and I cannot acknowledge the trauma of it until I am home from the war. And once I am home from the war I will be devastated and there will be nothing left of me. But for now it's a battle and I have my war paint on my face and I push down all the sadness and I keep moving through each day until there is a resolution. And when the resolution comes I will crumble. 

This guy I had seen a couple times, he has no name. I think it is rather sad that the players on my team dont even get names right now. They are nondescript place holders until my world gets back on its axis. The last time he came over, I took the day off of work and he did not stay long and he left without making me come. (Im sure I blogged about it, about 2 weeks ago). He did not text me after that meeting until recently and he wanted to see me again. I told him I was disappointed in our last meeting because I had time to see him and he did not make me come and he came and he bounced! We had a good conversation but I guess there is something about him that makes me feel like he is not sincere. There is something that is not adding up and I am not sure what it is. He talks a great game but his actions do not reflect what he says. Well today he wanted to see when he could see me. I dont really have a lot of desire to see anyone really and I feel like he needs to just wait a minute. He is no longer a starter on the team. I was feeling pressured to let him come over and I told him I could do tomorrow, but then I canceled. He has not text me since I canceled but I dont want to feel pressured to have sex with anyone. I want to be left alone until I want some dick and then I will let them know. 

Silly men if they only knew I care as little of them as they do of me. I just use them for their body and I do not want anything extra. I prefer the men who text me maybe 4x a year. These are the situation-ships I live for. Just fuck me and give me some space. If I really like the dick I will call you back but I won't fall in love with you. There are no worries of that happening. In all my years of the slut way of life I only had feelings for one Dom, one guy, and loved D. The rest of them I might have missed them if I had not seen them in awhile and I might have enjoyed their company but I never loved them or even pursued them. And if I am being honest most of them are easily forgotten. 

My chest feels a little heavy tonight as I unload all this here. I feel like I need to disappear for awhile and get my head straight but I feel like I will do all the mental work and moving on and the second I feel in control of my life D will call me and come in like a tornado and it will all be for nothing. 


Friday, November 15, 2024

A little bit bothered still

 The other day I was thinking of a post and I was going to call in "Unbothered" because I have been indeed unbothered by men in general. Last weekend I was at the pool swimming and I got to the end of the lap and there was this good looking black man standing beside the pool. Typically I would feel something in my body and be sending out my down to fuck vibes but I truly did not want his attention. I was not worried about him in anyway and kept on swimming. That is a development I am not sure that I was quite ready for. 

The girls at work describe me as "man hating" in this conversation we were having. I was surprised by this and the one girl who has know me an over a year was able to vouch for me that I was not like this last year. It seems like D and the over turning of Roe. v Wade along with JF and men pulling money away from me has jaded me. And it has really jaded me in a deep way. I dont know if I will ever be the same again. I feel like there was a chemical reaction in my body to all this trauma and I can not ever undo it. And try as I might to move on I am just not succeeding. 

This guy I have been talking to for a few months came over again. He has been here like 3x. And I first I thought he was really into a relationship but I am not so sure anymore and I am not sure if I even want that. I only invited him over because it had been over a month since I have had sex and I assumed my body would want it but my mind did not want it. I can not stress enough I did not want it. It is like sometimes I eat to make me feel better. Not because I am hungry and not because I even want the food but I know sometimes I get physical comfort from it and I desperately need the comfort. 

We talked for a little bit and I was bitchy. He is not dominate like I am used to so things move so slow. This irritates me. Eventually he touches me but so gently and slow and I just want to push his face down to my pussy and make this shit move. In my head I am having this whole conversation about why am I doing this and trying to figure out if I like him or not and I can not tell. I have never been so out of touch with my mind and body. I just could not figure out what I wanted. Things progress. I suck his dick and his dick got so hard. It is amazing. It is the rock hardness of men in their twenties and I was here for it. I stopped sucking and told him to fuck me. He moves into position but goes down on me first. I dont hate that but I really wanted to feel the rock hard cock in the state I left it. If he goes down on me for like 20 minutes it will not be as hard as it was. But I accept the oral. He is really good at oral. 9 out 10. He makes me cum over and over again. He finally pushes that big cock in me and I am really feeling it. He does not fuck me hard enough but I think he worries about hurting me but we are working it out. The sex was really fantastic, he made me squirt a few times and I felt amazing. There was no connection. He came in me and then I wanted him off me as soon as possible. He was just hanging out on top of me and I pushed his dick out and went to move from underneath him. I just wanted to be left alone. I did not want to talk, I did not want to touch I just wanted to be left alone. This is weird because I thought I wanted some closeness, but I think I just want the closeness I had with D and he is not D. 

So today I am work and D pops into my head so I call him from my Google Voice number so he does not know it is me, as he has blocked my number. He picks up and says "Hey what's happening" and I say " umm where have you been, its been months since I have talked to you", there is a pause and he is still there but I can tell he is processing and I tell him he needs to start paying me back and he hangs up. It took him 46 seconds for him to figure out who it was and end the call. Well Im not sure what I was expecting. I mean I thought he would just say hello and we would move awkwardly through a conversation and it would all be okay as it always has been. 

I can not stress enough just how badly I need closure on this relationship. I know actions speak louder than words but it just makes no sense to me. Everything was fine and then he just disappeared from my life. And I want to grieve and I want to move on. I was the power that D hold on me to dissipate and let me even start to see if I can feel something for someone else. And how can he be so mean to me? He knows what this uncertainty will do to me. And as I say that I am reminded of all the times he has told me that even if he is not calling me that he loves me and not to worry. We have talked a lot of about this ghosting thing in our relationship. Sometimes I feel this sense of vigor well up in my body and I get mad and I say no more. I am not going to let him run my life from a far when he unbothered by my deep sadness. But as I think about cutting of the willingness of letting him back in my life I am certain that if and when he pulls back around I will be there. I will step right back into it because I love him and I have hurt him and I can accept that he has hurt me. 

I want to cry and rest and let my body process this but I can not get there. I think I need some kind of healing ritual, maybe some energy healing or reiki. I dont know but I need help. Dick is not doing it. Even good dick is not doing it for me. I feel so fucking stuck. I have to do something . 

Updates on the reckoning of debts among the  men.

JF and I have our first court hearing next week for custody of the children. I have put him on notice that if he does not pay me for the car that I am suing him for that too. 

D received his certified mail that is a demand letter for repayment of the money he owes me. I mailed three just to ensure he gets it. One to where he lives, one to his work and one to his ex-wife. Somebody better tell him he pays or we go to the court. 

This is not how I saw my life working out. I can not say that I am disappointed on where my life is but I am not totally satisfied as to where it is and why I have not been able to have a lasting relationship that I wanted in my life. I just always saw myself with a long term husband and gosh that is just not going to happen. No matter what I do the facts are the facts. I have had a lot of fun and I have lived my life exactly how I wanted but I am paying the price in another way. 

Now dont feel for sad for me 95% of the time I dont crave partnership with anyone, but tonight in the face of what I have lost with D, the level of intimacy saddens me. I still cant imagine being so comfortable with anyone ever again. I miss his laugh. I miss his laugh so much. I miss his energy. I just love to be around him. I am never ever going to be the same person after this.