What a difference a year can make! I think about where I was mentally and physically this time last year and my life looks very different. I think it is noticeably better and more fulfilling. Mentally I feel strong. Emotionally I feel strong. I dont feel like a weak women waiting for a man to give me what I need. I feel like I am in my own place in life where I make the choices that are best for me and not take the shit that men are willing to give me.
Big D came over the other day. We hung out downstairs for awhile, maybe two hours or so. The kids were in and out of the room. My daughter was comfortable talking to me in front of him (the oldest). This is quite different than what I have anticipated. My children have no issues with him being here, at least not that they have said. They are usually very vocal about everything so I would imagine they would tell me. They always told me if they did or did not like D being here.
We eventually went up stairs but we just laid in bed for the longest time talking. Legs intertwined, naked, and just touching and talking. I felt so loved. Something that I have not felt in such a long time. We did ended up having sex. It was just regular sex with not much to tell but at one point he did have to firmly tell me to "Be quiet". We then fell asleep. When I woke up my body felt calm and peaceful. It was like I could physically tell that my body had been held and touched all night and it eased my nerves. It was an intense contentment, if such a paradox could exist. I had to get up to take care of the kids and get them off to school and he had to go as well so there was no time for morning sex but I was satisfied on such a deep level.
I did have my court hearing with D. He did not show. I did not feel nervous to see him if he did show up. I did not feel anything at all. This was just another day of me taking care of business but when I heard our names called in court and I stood up and identified myself and said "Plaintiff" I just felt so fucking powerful. So many years of crawling at this mans feet has led me to this moment and you could feel the power in my voice. I received a default judgement and then filled out the paperwork to have his wages garnished. Now I just need to take care of the other legal matters with JF.
I find myself thinking about Big D a lot still. I quietly notice some things about myself and how I react to normal things in a way that reveals my trauma responses. I am quietly talking myself out of these responses. I imagine these negative feelings washing over me like a wave and I watch them recede from me as easily as they came to me. I try to remind myself that Big D is not D. And I do my best to move away from the patterns of a co-dependent relationship. Big D has done nothing at all to raise a red flag to me. I keep thinking about all the months I have been talking to him. I can not think of anything. At this point in my life I have trouble trusting my own instincts, but I am working on it.
I did have a weak moment the other day where I almost had sex with the neighbor. More like if he was home I would have. He is out of town for the holidays so that worked out. I dont want to have sex with anyone else but there is just not enough time in the day for me to get the sex I want when I am not living with someone. And my sex drive is BACK. Over the the summer and September and October and November I did not feel the intense sex cravings like I always have but they seem to be back. The feeling that I need dick like I need air is indeed back. I forgot how intense it can be. I dont hate that it is back but it is just something else I need to learn to work with again. I dont think Big D understands what I mean when I say I need to have sex. I dont mean the next day or the weekend, I mean I need it like in the next few hours. I want him to get in the car and drive right to me when I feel like that, but he is an adult with obligations so I guess I can not expect that everytime.
I am almost tempted to read my blog from a year ago, but I hesitate. I dont want to feel those feelings again. I dont want to get caught up in it. I just want to leave behind.