Saturday, December 21, 2024

Default

 What a difference a year can make! I think about where I was mentally and physically this time last year and my life looks very different. I think it is noticeably better and more fulfilling. Mentally I feel strong. Emotionally I feel strong. I dont feel like a weak women waiting for a man to give me what I need. I feel like I am in my own place in life where I make the choices that are best for me and not take the shit that men are willing to give me. 

Big D came over the other day. We hung out downstairs for awhile, maybe two hours or so. The kids were in and out of the room. My daughter was comfortable talking to me in front of him (the oldest). This is quite different than what I have anticipated. My children have no issues with him being here, at least not that they have said. They are usually very vocal about everything so I would imagine they would tell me. They always told me if they did or did not like D being here. 

We eventually went up stairs but we just laid in bed for the longest time talking. Legs intertwined, naked, and just touching and talking. I felt so loved. Something that I have not felt in such a long time. We did ended up having sex. It was just regular sex with not much to tell but at one point he did have to firmly tell me to "Be quiet". We then fell asleep. When I woke up my body felt calm and peaceful. It was like I could physically tell that my body had been held and touched all night and it eased my nerves. It was an intense contentment, if such a paradox could exist. I had to get up to take care of the kids and get them off to school and he had to go as well so there was no time for morning sex but I was satisfied on such a deep level. 

I did have my court hearing with D. He did not show. I did not feel nervous to see him if he did show up. I did not feel anything at all. This was just another day of me taking care of business but when I heard our names called in court and I stood up and identified myself and said "Plaintiff" I just felt so fucking powerful. So many years of crawling at this mans feet has led me to this moment and you could feel the power in my voice. I received a default judgement and then filled out the paperwork to have his wages garnished. Now I just need to take care of the other legal matters with JF. 

I find myself thinking about Big D a lot still. I quietly notice some things about myself and how I react to normal things in a way that reveals my trauma responses. I am quietly talking myself out of these responses.  I imagine these negative feelings washing over me like a wave and I watch them recede from me as easily as they came to me. I try to remind myself that Big D is not D. And I do my best to move away from the patterns of a co-dependent relationship. Big D has done nothing at all to raise a red flag to me. I keep thinking about all the months I have been talking to him. I can not think of anything. At this point in my life I have trouble trusting my own instincts, but I am working on it. 

I did have a weak moment the other day where I almost had sex with the neighbor. More like if he was home I would have. He is out of town for the holidays so that worked out. I dont want to have sex with anyone else but there is just not enough time in the day for me to get the sex I want when I am not living with someone. And my sex drive is BACK. Over the the summer and September and October and November I did not feel the intense sex cravings like I always have but they seem to be back. The feeling that I need dick like I need air is indeed back. I forgot how intense it can be. I dont hate that it is back but it is just something else I need to learn to work with again. I dont think Big D understands what I mean when I say I need to have sex. I dont mean the next day or the weekend, I mean I need it like in the next few hours. I want him to get in the car and drive right to me when I feel like that, but he is an adult with obligations so I guess I can not expect that everytime. 

I am almost tempted to read my blog from a year ago, but I hesitate. I dont want to feel those feelings again. I dont want to get caught up in it. I just want to leave behind. 

Saturday, December 14, 2024

Who is that fucking me?

 The Moroccan man texted me yesterday. I have his name in my phone but Im not sure if that is even his real name at this point. A few years ago he caught me on the right day and we agreed I would blindfold myself and wait for him in my bedroom and he would come fuck me and leave and I would never know his face or who he really was. This added extra excitement for me because we lived in the same town and used the same grocery store. And so I would never know if the man looking at me in the store was him. We did this 2 or 3 times in my house. Then we did it in the car a couple time because I could not get alone time at home. Two moments of this short lived experience stood out to me. 

The first time we were fucking, I was completely naked, on my knees on my bed with him pulling my arms behind me with each thrust. His dick is average at best but in this moment he felt amazing. It was all the passion and vigor he was putting into this fuck and I could feel the intensity. It was one of the highlights of the sex video feed that plays in my head during quiet moments. The other one was in the car, I am not sure if we had fucked a little or not but I know my panties were off and he was touching me and blindfolded he leaned into me and kissed me. He kissed me so gently and sensually, I orgasmed from the kissing. And if you have read this blog at all you know I do not love kissing. But this was was incredible. It made tears come to my eyes and orgasm. It was incredible. Even thinking about it today I am torn as to if I can have that moment back. 

Sometimes these moments of incredible sexual energy and exploration can never be recreated but part of me wants to try. He suggests to me we just meet to kiss and touch. This makes me smile because that will make me beg him to penetrate me. There is no way he can kiss me like he did and me not want him inside of me.  Part of me wants to see him to see if the spark is still there, if the experience still thrills me like it did and part of me wants to not mess with perfection. I dont think he could ever top how he made me feel that night in the car with his mouth and touch. 

I also have been shutting down the team because my intention is to try to see just Big D at this point. I dont want to be fenced in but I also dont want to see anyone else right now. It is all fluid in my mind. I can go only react to how I feel right now and try to make choices that align with my current state of mind. 

Big D and I were talking about seeing each other last night. I ended up saying "Not tonight" as I was not sure that I was in the mood for company. Come a certain hour of the day I am really down with any idea of entertaining anyone. And that is really about 5pm for me now. We talked about today but he is not feeling well. I am really horny. I am horny like if I had a team member I could go see right now for some good dick I would be there. 

I have court on Thursday for the law suit with D. I doubt he will show up but we will see. I dont really have many feelings about it other than I wish I would have done it sooner. 

Tuesday, December 10, 2024

No Obligations

 Big D has been on my mind a lot lately. Way more than he needs to be. Saturday I was feeling spicy. I was not in the mood for sex per se, but I really wanted some adult company. I had spent the day doing kid activities and by 5p I just wanted to spend time with an adult, him in particular. So we talked about what we should do. Should we go out? And neither one of us wanted to go out. His kids at his house and my kids at my house. We ended up he would come here and we would just hang out. This meant I would need to talk to my kids about him coming over and also that D and I were not together any more. I have been procrastinating on this...just in case, but I think that is over and I think I have accepted that. 

So I tell my kids that he is coming over and no one cares but the youngest who excitedly asks me "what country is he from"? This made me laugh so much. This girl knows my type. He met her and he was comfortable and polite and it was good. We had intended on hanging out in the living room but my daughter wanted to lay on the couch so we went up stairs to "watch tv". 

We really ended up laying in bed with clothes on talking for a few hours. And then we turned the tv on to muffle the sound of him fucking me with his giant fucking cock. You know what I appreciate more than anything is the way he cares for my body. Fucking D was like an extreme sport and left my body battered. But Big D, even with his bigger dick does not hurt me, but I feel it in all the best ways. He left about 2am and I went to sleep. I did not want him to leave but I was anxious and afraid that my kids might need me in the middle of the night. Above all I want to make sure my babies dont need me and I am not there for them. So he left at 2am. 

We made plans for him to come over today. I worked from home. We laid in bed, we talked, we fucked, we took a ride and talked. It was good. I like being with him. 

But here is the big news. While he is fucking me he asks me if "this pussy is just his". I try not to answer him because I feel like this is a bullshit question to be asking me and I say "we are not talking about this now" and smile with him. Now I do not want to have sex with anyone else. I dont get  on dating apps, I dont have interest in anyone else, but I hate to be fenced in. I dont want to feel like I cant have sex with someone if I wanted to. I want monogamy the comes from desire not from obligation. So when we are done fucking I tell him just that. I tell him I dont talk to anyone else and I am not seeing anyone else and I dont want to but I want the option. I dont want to feel like I cant if I dont really want to. He does not take these words bad. He is kinda just listening to me talk. I ask him what he thinks about what I said, I can not remember his exact words but it was something like, ok that's seems to be part of you and that he liked me. Im not sure what that means but I feel good I was able to articulate that while monogamy is not off the table but that I am not in a place to where I feel like I would want to say I will not entertain other dick. But lately I do not want it. So we will see how that progresses. 

It was a long day of fucking and I am exhausted. But I felt like I had to get this off my chest. 

Wednesday, December 4, 2024

Here we are

 Here we are December of 2024. Just one year ago D and I were tight as ever, he was actively planning on moving in the next month and talked about how he would want me to take his name when we got married. Over the weekend I did file a lawsuit against him and my ex and then I have the child support case. I am feeling pretty good about it all. I feel like I finally have been able to stand up after so many years of crawling. I think I have made my peace with D. I dont know how I will feel in the future but for the last few weeks I have been trending in the right direction. It is always 3 steps forward, 1 step back. Healing and grieving is not linear and when I am sad I try to let it come to me and wash over me and then I let go again. 

When I spoke to the pychic a few weeks ago she gave me this "manifestation" prayer (for lack of a better term). I think that it says a lot that I was like no thanks that is not for me. While I miss him and want closure I dont know if I want him back in my life. I dont think he is really gone forever either. Maybe he is but I dont think so. Either way I dont feel like his slave anymore and I hope to God I can keep that energy when he does show up again. Pray for me!

Big D (the new interest in my life) has been fine. I have not seen him. I have been in a really bad mood because I have my period and I have found that everything he does or does not do gets on my nerves when I have my period. For example: Text me not enough, text me too much, not answering the phone, answering the phone and there is too much background noise, saying things that might imply that he is not a feminist. I notice he has a light touch when I have my period and probably for good reason. I know I have said it here a million times these periods are not joke lately and I just dont know why the entirety of a women's life needs to be hormone rollercoaster. I had to leave work the other day I felt so bad because of my period. I was sitting at my desk doing almost nothing and I was like I cannot sit here any longer, I must lay down on a heating pad. 

So, the other night after I had taken my Ambien, I "broke up" with the Neighbor. I would never have the confidence to do that had I not been in the semi-conscience state Ambien produces, but I told him I just wanted to have sex with Big D for now. He was cool and did not do that begging. I hate the pressure and trying to get me to do it. I had not even remembered that I did it until a few days later. But I feel good about that. The Neighbor and I have been fucking since the pandemic, but I just was not feeling it anymore. I might pick it back up again but not right now. 

There was this guy that I kind of had written off, he was the one I took the day off of work to spend time with and he fucked me and bounced. He reached out to me again and we were FaceTiming. I do like him. What I have noticed with him is that he is one person on the phone and very different in person. On the phone he says all the right things and is so charismatic and the sex is good but he is just a little awkward in person. Im not throwing stones I know that I can be too. But he perked up my interest a little bit with our conversation the other day.