So Big D has not been keeping up with me like I need him to. I have noticed his distance. He tells me he has not lost interest but his actions say something different. I don't love him but I do like him and I just wanted to have sex with him. Primarily because the sex is really good and he makes me feel good when I am with him. But this monogamy that I have been participating, although voluntary, has been making me too dependent on him. And then I feel like I need him. This is where the problem comes into play. If I need him and he does not give me the attention I want then I feel rejected and anxious. And it is not a normal amount of anxiety. It is crippling anxiety. My body give me cues that I need sex but not always in the way that I expect. Sometimes I feel it in my pussy, it aches for stretching and and it craves something in it. Othertimes it is a sense of just wanting to be touched but something that is kind of a new discovery for me is my body will just feel a chaotic storm of emotions. I can not articulate what it is, I can not tie the feeling to an event but it is so uncomfortable. I try so many things to make it stop. It does not feel like sexual repression and I am not sure if it is sexually rooted or if it is more of something that gives me comfort. Like having sex, be it good or bad, will give my mind the mental break it needs.
So as Big D has been distant I have had this increase in anxiety and stress. Again I am left lingering to figure out if it is me. Today the anxiety was so intense I really had to take a deep dive into how to relieve it. I thought about and edible but that takes like 2+ hours to feel and it is not always the right type of relief. I thought about sugar or food and that was not working for me. I laid in my bed and spent sometime just breathing but the anxiety would not quit. I finally said I am just going to call some dick. I did not know if it would work but I was willing to give it a whirl. I called the Jamaican I saw over the summer. His dick is average size the sex was not bad. It is not fantastic but it would do what I needed it to. He was not available when I called but he said I could come to his place this evening. I told him I would think about it.
The anxiety kept rising and it took everything it me to get into the shower and get in the car. Once I was in the car, I put on my music and enjoyed the ride. I was nervous once I got to his house and when I go in it was a very quick pants off dick out and lets fuck. This was EXACTLY what I was looking for. I did not want anything else. We fucked for about 40 minutes with a few minute break in there like 2x. He was fucking me and pulled it out and missed on the re-entry. It really hurt! Hurt in a bad way. That kind of killed it for me. We fucked for some more but I said I was done, that my pussy hurt and I was going to go. It hurt not all that bad after a few minutes but I was done. I got what I needed and I did not care to much about him cumming. And frankly I dont know what was taking him so long to come. Fuck man read the room and come already. I got up to get dressed and he was trying to "sweet talk" me into "one more round". He was not aggressive in anyway but what I thought about if I give him a firm no was he going to let me leave this house. I thought about the exit of the house and how it would go down if this man did not want to let me leave. As a PSA to all men, I am a women who has not been a victim of rape or violence but I am on a primary level still afraid to make a man mad. I did relent and let him hit it one more round and then I quickly gathered myself and bounced. He did walk me to my car which was nice but I really wanting to get out of there.
So this man owns a home and has been out of work for awhile because he was injured in a car accident. But he has been ok. So he has had like 3 months of not working and his house looks like a fucking train wreck. I can not even really articulate what the problem is. Someplaces were clean-ish but there was a lot of stuff everywhere. And the residual smells of ethnic cooking. I was getting the dick and my thought was I am going to have to wash my hair tonight to get his smell off of me. I never in my life want to smell an immigrants food in my house again as long as I live. So I just thought what does he think when he comes to my house? My house is clean but sometimes cluttered with the kids shit but compared to his house my house looks like I hit with some showroom shine. I was just disgusted a little bit and thought to myself I dont like being in a mans space. I could have went my whole life with out seeing how he lives.
The anxiety has left me for tonight and I feel like ripping the band-aid off of ending the monogamy has released the pressure I felt building in my body. As I drove home and listened to Cardi B I felt like a mother fucking beast! It was like a mental reset for me. I hate that dick is so important for me. I dont want to be 60 years old looking for a hard cock to calm me down. I need to figure this out.
As for Big D, I dont know where that is going go but I dont feel so desperate for his attention. I did get on Tinder for a hot minute yesterday but I got tired of of the same fucking shit men say and I just wanted to be done with it.
Cardi B - Be Careful (These lyrics hit me tonight)
