Fired Up

 I forgot to mention in my last post the following. I felt like it needed to be said. Part of what I enjoyed on vacation was the lack of Americans. I know that is harsh and as an American I do not feel pride about the people that make up this place. We all know I love a man from any country but this one but turns out I like all people from other countries more than I like Americans. I dont say that to hurt egos but more to call out Americans and remind them that there are other ways of existing. The American dream and the American way of life are not the only way and in fact may not be the better way. Just food for thought. 

This morning I woke up at 3am for my typical middle of the night wake and for some reason I auto-pilot check my email. And I see an email that I missed from earlier from the court officer for the wage garnishment of D letting me know they received their first payment from his employer. This gave me a shot of euphoria because there is nothing I love more than the thought of that fucktard thinking about me every single time he looks at his paycheck. It was a great feeling. 

So this afternoon JF said he will come to see the kids. He shows up at 7pm and stands outside to talk to the kids. My daughter invites him in, he stays outside. I text him to tell him to come in and he does not. He calls me and asks me how the vacation was and I talk to him about it and share with him. I ask him if he responded to the court about the child support. He says he is not paying child support. I remind him he can go to jail. He says he will just leave the country and so on. He says he will pay me but he is not going through the court. I remind him again that he had that chance already and he chose to ignore me and not support me and not talk to the kids and pretty much a complete dead beat for the last year so that chance is over. I told him I will not drop the case, he said we will talk about that later. Meanwhile my kids are outside with him and I look out the window and they are throwing rocks and his dumb ass is standing right there like he cant see that they are throwing rocks. I cant even get mad. I just smh at this fool. 

I take a short drive so I can talk to my mom about this interaction. I say to mom what the fuck is wrong with me that I let these men get away with so much. It is not even in my character to let some  bullshit slide so why did I let them get away with so much. I am frustrated with myself for how I let myself be led by these utter fucking fools. And now I have lumped in all men in this category but with everything in my soul I can NEVER go back to a place where I feel the way I did about D or JF. I lost myself and I dont know what I was hoping to get but I never did get it JF and D I would only have the connection I craved sometimes. It was just enough to keep me salivating for more. I knew all the factors needed to create the bliss were there but it was an absolute guessing game as to when, how and the duration of that connection.

I have this app on my phone where everyday I (or as often as I remember) I log what I am grateful for and today I am grateful that hard part of my life when I was chasing a deep connection that never got fulfilled is over. I am grateful I have learned to stand alone and in peace and that no one can take away the things I have done in my life and diminish me. In particular the two men in my life who have not succeeded in anyway in life can not define if I have a good day or my level of stress.

I am listening to my "good music" playlist as I write this and how appropriate as I end my thoughts tonight Helen Reddy's "I am Woman" is playing. 

Contentment

 Yesterday I returned from Puerto Rico. I spent the week with my children and my exhusband and his fiancé. It was very nice. I really cant complain about anything. It was so nice to be able to take my kids on a nice vacation. Thanks to my working 3 jobs I was able to work that out.  The travel back damm near killed me. It is just a lot of mental stamina needed to sit still all day and keep intrusive thoughts about our plane dropping out of the sky is a lot.  I had a couple of thoughts from my week out of the stress and business of my regular week. 

First, the walk through the San Juan Airport made me horny. The smell of the men (they smelled good) and the men all just looked good to me. I would have loved a quick fucking in an airport bathroom stall but these things dont happen in real life, just porn videos.  I would have also would have been up for a quick fuck in the hotel room with just about anyone of the men I saw there but you know children make that impossible and it was not that kind of vibe there. Or at least that was the feeling I was getting. 

I also noticed in my endless amount of time to think about all the men in my life, I think about D and I smile and think positively about all the good dick but I do not miss him. I definitely feel so much more at peace in my life with him out of my life. My only regret is that I could not have ended because it needed to stop. 

I dont miss men in my life. I just dont feel a longing to share my life with a man. Maybe when my kids are older I will feel a little bit lonely but I am not thinking so. I revel this contentment in my life. It is amazing. 

My body is ready for a fuck though. I think I am going to call the neighbor. I talked to Big D about coming over but we left up in that air and I am not really feeling like talking. Like I  would just want him to come over for an hour and leave and Im not sure if he is up for that. It just seems easier to fuck the neighbor. 

Feeling Nothing

I made plans with the neighbor last week because I knew my body needed sex. My mind and spirit did not want it but I knew my body was craving it. I was in the shower when he arrived and by the time I came out of the shower he was naked with a semi hard dick. I come out with a towel on and bend over to suck his dick. He eventually turns me around and fucks me from behind. I was loving it. My body really did need it and I was quickly in a zone. At one point I got on my side and he was behind me and he reached around and grabbed my pussy from the front and I dont know what it was about this move but it kicked me up a notch. The whole thing lasted about 25 minutes, he came inside of me and I felt amazing. He left and I got ready for work and headed out. It is the ideal situation. We have been fucking like this for 5 years now. 

Then Big D reached out to me. We eventually agreed on meeting up last night. Saturday at 7. Now deep down in my soul I had zero expectation that he would show up but I was willing to give him a try. He always runs late and last night was not different. We agreed on 7. He showed up at 8:40p. How do I have 3 jobs, 3 kids and still manage to be respectful of other peoples time. It was on the tip of tongue to cancel but I did want some dick but I was anxious about his visit. I went to cancel so many times but I did not. When he walked in I did not feel anything. I said "let sit down stairs for awhile". I was trying to see how I would feel when we talk and reconnect. We had good conversation but during the conversation I knew I was not feeling anything but I moved the night upstairs because I wanted the dick. Now because he was almost 2 hours late I was almost asleep when we were fucking. From what I remember it was good but I dont remember much. We fell asleep. I woke up at 7:40a and he is sleeping. I dont know if I can articulate just how unhappy I was about this. The visual of this man - who I do not love- in my bed, sleeping like he belonged there made me mad. I woke him up and said "you got to go". I was not rude just matter of fact. I have things to do and kids were up or waking up. I dont want him in my real life. After that I am pretty sure I dont ever want to see another man asleep in bed. Big D ruined what I did feel for him. He had so much potential. We are very compatible and I like talking to him but when he switched up and stopped talking to me because he "was stressed" I just thought to myself I am not doing this shit with anyone else. D and no Big D have left me feeling like men cannot be trusted with my affection. Im done. I might fuck him again but that has to be a day time thing for like and hour and then he has to bounce. 

Just thinking back on it I would have rathered spent the evening scrolling tik too and sleeping early.