Dead Inside

 I am tempted but held back by the reality that feelings are fleeting. It is at the tip of my tongue to announce and declare but I only hold back because I am afraid I will look foolish if the situation changes. I have never held back so I am going to dance around this a little bit and keep my words less than definitive. I feel like I am done with sex. 

I have not come to this lightly. I have not come to this recently but I feel like it has somehow been cemented recently. I dont like it. I dont want to feel like this. I have such great memories of how good I can feel having sex and how the fantasies and sex talk and build up and the after glow and all the goodness  of sex. The intensity of the submission! I could spend hours talking about how beautiful and amazing submission is. But it feels like that it no longer suits me. I feel like I am not the same person I once was allowing a man to dominate me feels uncomfortable and foreign to me. I can not get into the same headspace. 

My friend who has seen me at the height of my sexual intensity and now see me questioning if I even want to pursue sex with anyone reminds me to be gentle with myself. She reminds me how this past year without D has been like grieving a partner that died, because he just disappeared. And what I think is more devastating that loosing someone to something like death is being left in limbo and not knowing what is happening and where they are. His behavior is unforgivable - or at least that's how I feel right now. I feel like I dont know if I can ever really recover from that damage. It is like he changed me on a cellular level. I hate to give him that power but he was my everything for so long and sex just does not feel good because I dont feel connected to anyone and I have zero desire. 

I have been having crazy vivid sex dreams the last week and I know my body needs sex. So I reach out to the neighbor. I have no excitement of his visit. I just feel numb. I just wish I could lay with my back to him and him just fuck me from behind like that.  I do not want to suck his dick. I do. It was alright but it was just a functional thing to get me where we needed to go. We fuck and it felt good for the most part but not great. There was no sexual feeling. It was just mechanical. He was talking a lot which I did not mind because I was just so over the whole thing, but he finishes and that is that. I was more excited to talk with him while he was cleaning up and getting dressed than I was fuck him. 

I did pre-game a bit before he came over. I made myself cum twice. Which was great because that was out of the way. I have not even done that in months. And again I only did it because of these ridiculous dreams where I wake up moving like Im fucking someone. SMFH. 

My friend, reminds me that I have had a really particularly difficult few months. I can not even begin to stress that enough. It has been difficult for me but sometimes Im afraid if I stop to acknowledge and think about how challenging it has been that I will crumble. 

Ive been working 3 jobs since Feb 1st and I just let go of one of the jobs. The project was ending in the next 3 weeks and I can not continue to commit the time needed to it so I need to pull the plug on it. I feel a little bit more settled that I do not have that 3rd obligation, but my daughter's health and for a few weeks my health was so bad it really took a toll on me. Then there was the $3300 plumbing repair last week. Which was a follow up to the $300 plumbing issue we had the week before. 

It feels like my kids need me more than ever and that they want to spend time with me. And for me that feels good and I like taking care of them and being right next to them. At night when I need some alone time I often find all 3 of my kids are all less than 10 feet from me. They find comfort in me and I in them. We feel very much like a team. And even though I never wanted to be a single mom I feel like I have embraced and enjoyed leading my team and I am proud of my work. 

So my mind is on all these other things and sex just seems so insignificant. And there is no desire, no lust. What's the point? I sometimes think I would not mind having a conversation with someone but even that seems like too much of a task. Life is easier when I keep my contacts to a minimal. 

The Anniversery

 D has been on my mind the last few days. I think maybe because April 2024 was the last time I saw him. It has really been a year since I have been with him and that fact makes me sad. I have a lot of these thoughts in my car when I am alone. I try to work through what it is I am missing about him and it is not a clear answer. There is so much I do not miss. I do not miss feeling the constant anxiety about our relationship. I do not miss feeling like I have to perform sexually in order to receive love. I do not miss never knowing what his next step was going to be. But I do miss the intimacy we had. I miss being naked and free and not holding back anything with my body. I miss the way he took charge and loved my body and the way he accepted me. I miss that aspect of our relationship that allowed me to be seen as someone other than a mother. He never saw me as a mother. He always so me as his lover and our conversations were never about kids. And when I say never I should say in the first 21 years it was just us, in the last year it was about the meshing of our lives and children. I miss that level of freedom with another person. Also, and this is oddly specific but the comfort level with our bodies was such that if I was ill and unable to physically clean myself I would be comfortable with him helping me with that. And it would not have felt weird and it would not have ruined out sex life. It would have been very matter of fact and then we move on. And that is the kind of intimacy I miss. All in all it is a small price to pay for the peace that I now have in life. When I say I have peace, I mean that I have never known a relaxed state of mind that I currently feel. It if fucking amazing. Im not angry, I dont feel nervous about the relationship. I am not trying to plan us blending our families. I am just cool. Life is easy for the most part. I feel content and happy the majority of the time. I LOVE not living with a man and dont ever want to do it again. 

I was going to invite New D over but I just want the sex and no real talking and I dont want him to stay long. I have not been able to work that into a conversation yet but to me it is clear he will not be able to meet my needs in terms of a relationship but there is no reason we should not be fucking. 

And my life has been busy this year. The 3 jobs, the vacation, the virus from hell, my daughter's illness has left little time to think about sex. Very little time. I want to have sex now but realistically there is a low chance I can make that happen with my schedule. Most of the time this feeling will pass so we will see if I just ignore it if it will go away. 

The Shift

 We finally got discharged from the hospital. It is so good to be home. JF is still in town and continues to be around. It is so nice to have him around to help. The kids wanted to go to see the Minecraft Movie and I asked him to take the kids because I needed to catch up on work. He did not feel well (which I know because he has been staying in the hospital all week and they wake my daughter up every 2 hours for breathing treatments and during the day he has been doing some work things). We were both exhausted but I did pressure him a bit to do it. I feel for him but for the last 3 years I have done it all by myself and he has had that time off. While I did lay the guilt on a little bit he still did it and for that I was so grateful. I just needed to some time alone, time to work and time to decompress and my kids needed something fun to take their mind off a difficult week. I did pay for tickets and the Panera order after because his "money is low". I understand and Im not mad about that. He did thank me for the day and I thanked him for being there for me and the kids. And let him know how much we all love him being around. 

I feel good about this shift in our relationship. I feel like we have reconnected in a way that is so positive for our children. I dont feel so alone in taking care of the kids, I dont feel so burdened with everything. Im not sure if he will ever understand how important he presence in his children's and my life it. You just cant create a family and not leave a gaping hole when you disappear. 

My daughter is doing well. Recovery is slow, she is tired and working on her stamina but we are getting there. I am thinking she will go to school for maybe a 1/2 day tomorrow and life will get back to normal. 

1st Love

Its been a week. My youngest has been not well for weeks with a lingering cough and then we got a horrible flu like virus which spurred her to get pneumonia. So we have been in the hospital since Monday. I have had some eye opening experiences. 

First, as we were walking to the Pediatric Wing we passed two black men in the hallway. They were some type of janitorial employees. As I walked passed them I thought I would fuck them and as we passed they started talking in what I can only explain as the sweetest sound of island vernacular that I have heard in some time. It was a sexual burst through my body. Not only did I look back but I wanted to fuck so badley in that momnet. And then I thought to myself. My sex problem is maybe just about me not having what I want. I am the type of person who would rather go without then have something that I do not love. My therapist said I have a "very black and white way of thinking". I think about how this shows up in my life other than sex. Food. For example, these few days I have been in the hospital I have not been drinking my favorite pick me up, Dr. Pepper, because if I can not have an ultra chilled can of Dr. Pepper from my fridge that keeps it at the right temp then I dont want it. I dont want a dull fountain soda, or a pugent plastic bottle. I would rather just skip it all together and have it when I get home.  Clothes are this way too. If the clothes dont fit perfectly and feel the way I need them to then I can not do it. I dont even try to do. For this reason my clothes are sometimes not up to date and well worn. 

At my core, I love men with an accent. My first love is the island accent but other accents will do it for me too. I just need an island man to put it on me. I think thats what I am missing. Im not convinced that I dont want sex I think I would just rather not have then have dick that does not meet my needs. Is there a website to meet island men for this reason? My girlfriend tells me I need to go to Jamica. I told her I will fuck around and come home with a STD. I can imagine I would not be able to control myself there. I just dont know where I meet a 50 year old carribean man with a big dick. I thought I had it with that one guy from the summer but after our last fuck I am done with him. He knows it too because he has not called me. 

So then there is JF. Monday night I stayed at the hospital with my daughter and Felix came Tuesday at 1pm. He came in the room and walked up to me and put his hands up for a hug. I said "oh ok we hugging. You have not talked to me 3 years but we are hugging now" as i stood up to hug him. And I leaned into it. I let myself hug him and suck all the intamacy I needed from it. There is no tenstion between us, which makes me happy because if there was he would not have been able to stay here with my daughter. I would not stress her out with that. But it was easy as it always has been between us and I felt so good about that. He spent the night last night so I could get some sleep and I relieved him this morning and he is coming back tonight to stay while I go home to sleep again. We are working well together and for the first time in YEARS I feel like I have someone who is invested in these children. We were talking to our daughter last night about when she was a baby that her dad was in charge of taking care of her everynight so I could sleep. We all laughed. It was good to reminisce and have my daughter see how we can laugh together. 

Lost

 So much in me has changed in the last year. I think about how little I have thought about sex in the last few months and how little my body craves it. The moments where my body does crave it are fleeting and are easily washed away with little effort. Im not sure what has happened here. I am a little bit perplexed and I dont quite know how to fit it in to my identity. For so long I have seen myself as a sexual person and someone who loves sex. And now I would not describe myself as that. 

Is is perimenopause? Is it the continual hurt at the hands of D? Is it just maturing and finding more self-confidence? I really can not put my finger on it. Maybe it is the combination of it all, a perfect storm. I would be lying if I did not say that I was a little bit lost in this new world. 

For the last 3 months I have occupied my time with work. And having three jobs has really done a lot to eat up my free time, but as I prepare for my 3rd job to wind down as it is temporary I am nervous as to where to put my extra free time. I am nervous that I might a man's company. And on a logical level in a clear mind I am really not ever feeling like seeing a man, or talking to a man, or being close to a man. But what if my body starts to crave that. Can I go back to compartmentalizing men to just dick and just tolerate the rest of them? Im not sure. I have never in my life felt quite like this. 

My friend often asks me if I think if D will reach back out to me. I dont think about D too often. He does creep into my mind sometimes but for the most part he not part of my everyday mindset. I do not think he will reach back out to me. And if he does reach back out to me it will be some kind of end of life love profession that he feels like he needs to share before he leaves this earth. I know that D loved me deeply as I did him. For whatever reason he felt like whatever he was dealing with was so big, so emotionally scary for him he could only disappear without talking about it. I wish I could say he would want to know about his daughter and would reach out about her, but that is not likely. He does not seem to have any strong connections to her nor her to him. 

Of course if I am wrong I will be running here to share it all because no one in my life could understand it more than the people who read these pages and who have been sharing this journey with me over the years. 

So I am going to wait and see if some kind of feelings kick off and I want to have sex. Yesterday and today I have been craving food and I thought "I wonder when I am going to get my period", I had to check that app and my period is due tomorrow. So I went through a whole cycle with out feeling that intense desire to fucked. I dont think that has ever happened. 

I both worried and relieved. Not a slave to sex but a freed slave with no purpose anymore. I feel lost.