I am not someone who is into my appearance. I dont wear makeup, I dont dress fancy, and I just generally dont think about what I look like. But in my house there is this one mirror I tend to catch myself in a lot. And when I do I really look at myself. And for the last few months I have been thinking about how my face looks brighter. Maybe lighter. Maybe is is less stressed. I just like the way that it looks. And today I did gaze at myself and I was overcome with this sense of really owning my body. And while I dont know if men will ever appreciate this but I will try to bring you with me through this epiphany.
My entire adult life my body has been used for someone else's enjoyment. To the point that (in particularly with D) I feel like I had to turn off part of my senses to allow his wants and needs to take over. And being submissive with a man sort of relays the message that your body is not your own but I am not sure I ever soaked in the trauma that can cause.
When D and I had sex for hours when he would come over, despite me being in pain and despite me not wanting to do it at all, I was giving my body to him. What he wanted from me came first and what I needed was of no importance at all. I was happy to do this at the time. I think it made me feel powerful. It really made me feel as though I was getting what I wanted, at least at the time.
And in the mirror today I saw myself and had such a grounded and in touch feeling in my body. I felt so in tune with my body, so in love with my body, so protective of my body. I dont know what happened or has changed or maybe I have just healed enough but it felt amazing. It was a physical sensation that just washed through me.
Each time I have these "ah ha" moments I think I have understood it all. That I have reached the peak but more always comes. D ghosting me truly broke me but from these pieces I have created something new. Something better that I dont even really understand yet.
I've been feeling more and more like sex might be something I should think about. I know with the right partner it will be good for my body.
People text me and I cant bring myself to even respond. I feel like I am not for everyone. You need to work for my attention and saying "hey" is not cutting it. If "hey" is all you have to add to my life then you can keep it moving.
And I know men talk about how women in their mid 40's are too selective and standards are too high. At least for me, it is 100% true because I finally have found myself without the fucking sex cravings running my life and with out the need for some man-child to make me feel wanted. It is fucking amazing! I love this for me. I never would have believed this could be me really feeling this way. Never. If you are a long time reader I not sure you could have seen it coming either. Somedays I feel like I have won the lottery.
I have such good relationships with my kids, with my parents, with my sister, with my ex's, with my friends. I dont want for much these days. And I write that because I want to remind myself of that when the dark days come. On more than one occasion I have used this blog to remind myself of the turmoil I have been through with men and how much energy I have put into men. If I regret anything it is that!
The energy lost on pointless encounters that ended up being bad or left me feeling flat is a huge regret. I can only imagine this is what addicts says when they talk about alcohol or drugs. And I do worry for when the day comes that D calls me and I have to face that again. I hope I feel strong like I do today.
