....all I can hope to control is my own life...so the song goes. This is an anthem in my house as it is part of a song that my kids sing at school regularly and it's on our playlist for our drive to school and it resonates so much with me. It feel like such a relief to understand that the control that I have is over me and only me and someone that frees me.
Life has been hard this last month and a half. I think in my last post I might have talked about how my oldest was fucking up. And this was new for her as really she has been a breeze to parent thus far. But boy she is making up for lost time. I will spare the details as I can not live through it again but in summary she for a brief time stopped talking-to me and is still not talking with her Dad.
During this time she has really shown some sides of her personality and character that remind me she is the spawn of D and despite not being a victim of his parenting she still carries his DNA and it is abhorrently obvious. Why does it always come back to D? I dont know but it does. And I hate to make it all about me but if not here where else... But I feel like my daughter is re-victimizing me just the same way that D did. I know that's an intense statement because D, while he loved me, he manipulated me and hurt me and ghosted me in the same way my daughter has. I feel like I have just been getting to a place where I was getting though the days and weeks with out thoughts of D distracting me and now when I look at her face it is all I can see. When I hear her squirm out of serious conversations it is what I am reminded of. When I feel the pangs of hurt rip through my chest and my eyes well up I am taken back to all the times he has left me tattered and not able to take any refuge with him.
I have always told her she has a mean streak and she does. And she gets it from him. She just oozes his mannerisms and she has never spent a significant amount of time with him. It was bred into her. And just as her red hair reminds me that I am her mother he coldness and manipulation reminds me that he is her father.
I spend a lot of time on the phone with my ex-husband and his new wife. There was a beautiful wedding and I was in all the pictures and it was really wonderful. I am very happy for them. I do start to feel like I am part of a thruple and the three of us have leaned on each other a lot during this trying time with my daughter. I always said me and my ex-husband were always meant to be friends and really he my best friend. I have never regretted him parenting my daughter for one second. He is a beautiful person and I love him a lot. I just never should have married him.
To see him be hurt by my daughter breaks my heart. She does not understand how he is dying inside not being able to talk to her. And my heart is broken. My family is struggling right now and we have never had issues like this. Her stepmom is so hurt and I cant fix it. I am embarrassed and disgusted by her behavior and I just dont know if things will ever be the same again.
I have found myself with a desire to have a relationship for me. I almost miss having a relationship with a man. I am not 100% convinced this is what I need or want but I am opening my mind and playing along a little bit. I dont really want sex in the waking hours but at night I have intense sex dreams. Like maybe the desire is still there I just can not get past all the emotional wounds during waking hours to consider it. It's been over a year since I have talked to D and just about a year since I took him to court and maybe I am moving through the healing process. I dont know for sure yet but I am cautiously optimistic.
I do still keep myself super busy. I work about 60hours per week still and just focus on parenting and work. It is easier that way, but I see it for what it is and it is a good distraction. That is allowing me to pay off so much debt and put me in a better financial situation.
The other way I know that my sex drive is not dead yet is I have had the desire to mastrubate like twice in the last few weeks, after months and months of no desire. It made me laugh to realize just how quickly I came. There was very little effort and a great physical response. So, I guess the sex drive may have been revived just a little bit.
