Year End

 I am thrilled to report out that I am still feeling a bit more sexual. I want to have sex, not with anyone in particular but I just want to have sex. Now I dont want to have all day long sex but sex is something I am thinking about. It feels good to have this sustained desire to fuck. I am starting to feel just a little bit more like myself. 

Now there is also this strange desire to maybe seek out a relationship with a man. I want just a little bit of companionship. I dont know what that looks like in terms of a relationship but I want something I think. I dont know. As I typed that I thought maybe I dont. Ugh. It is hard to figure out. 

I have been thinking about the guy (I think I blogged about) that asked me out and then last minute wanted to "stay home and vibe" which essentially was like I want to lay in bed and fuck. That kind of prolonged time laying in bed with a man sounds really unappealing. I have too much to do and a desire to be productive to lay around and fuck for hours on end. But I think it is weird he never reached back out to me after that. That was his 2nd strike and I dont think I would entertain his conversations anymore anyway but why did he not try? Why did he make such a big deal about going out and then change plans last minute and then just gone. It is not that I am upset but I am confused by his behavior, that is the part I have have very little tolerance for. I dont need that kind of dumb shit in my life. 

So year in review. I managed to have sex 3 times year (I think), which would be a lifetime low for me! I have made the most money of life this year, which has been stress relieving for me. I lost a good friend. My kids have struggled a little more than I would have thought and my parenting skills were tested. Unconditional love was something I had to prove I was capable of and for the first time in my parenting journey I had to admit defeat. I took my first real vacation for the first time in 12 years. 

At the new year I dont like to make too many goals and set myself up for feeling like a failure but there are things I want to be more intentional about. The first one is expanding my life to accommodate a companion for myself. Maybe its a dog, maybe its a woman, maybe it is a man. Idk but I want to keep an open mind of letting someone in. I want to be intentional about having fun with my kids. By design I am not a fun person. I just am so low key and casual and generally do not enjoy holidays and special events. However it is crucial to me that my kids have fun memories. So I try to be mindful of the tone and feel of our home. I want it to be peaceful and full of laughter and I want there to be things that they remember as being fun. And I continue on my financial journey and I hope to resolve all my debt this year (minus the mortgage and car). Most of all I just want to feel calm stillness in my life with minimal complications and highlights of fun with the kids.

Bad Bitch

 Every now and then I get this glimmer of hope that all is not lost in terms of the "Bad Bitch" I once was. And I like to capture those moments, mostly for my own reading. As I have shared I sued D for money that he owed me. And his paycheck are garnished to pay me back. So each month I get the statement in my email of what is coming in the check in the coming days. So yesterday I received notice that I was getting the biggest check yet, which made me feel invigorated. To summarize the monologue in my head went something like this...thats right you fucking bitch, looks like you were working overtime or got a Christmas bonus and I still got my cut. I hope it burns your ass up every time you see your paystub, bank balance and use your debit card. Fuck you. Suing you was the best thing I ever did for my mental health!

Tonight I am feeling good. I swear I got a new shampoo and conditioner and I dont know what the hell is in that but I am feeling feisty ever since I got my shower. I did get time to chat with my friend last night, one I have not seen in awhile. And she is so fun! And I took my kids and niece and nephew out for a late dinner and we had a lot of fun. With all the work I do sometimes I too tired for fun. It is something I am working on. 

If single parenthood was not hard enough to keep these kids from having trauma and being there for everyone we have to make time for fucking fun with our kids too. Thats my goal for the coming year is just to make sure I am having fun, with the family, with my friends, and maybe some players off my roster.

Money and Sex

 Cone Dick reached out to me and I "reluctantly agreed" to let him come over. I almost immediately regretted it. He does know I tend to change my mind and he just ignored my texts that said I changed my mind and and in the great words of Kamala Harris I simply repeated "Dont Come"! He came.  

Now when I opened the door, wearing my pajamas which is a black knit long tank top/ dress thing, I told him give me just a second I was getting my food out of the oven. He laughed and said this is starting of like a C-level porno. I did forget how attractive he is and I how big of a guy he was. I do like a big man. 

We went up stairs and I slide into bed like a naughty child, laid my head on the pillows while I watched him undress with a smile. We were talking about how I did not want to have sex etc. He laid next to me. We talk for a few minutes before he touches me and we have sex. It is not hot and heavy sex. It is just logistical put it in me and have an orgasm type of sex. For some reason when he comes (in the condom) I feel it really really intensely and he makes me cum every time. 

Over all I could have done with out the sex but the company was nice. I enjoyed talking to him and being with him. I feel like I forget how lonely my life is. And that might not be the right way to phrase it. It is something I miss about D is that with him he just saw me as myself. I was not a mother, a sister, an employee. He just saw me for me with out my titles without my filters that alter my behavior and my desires. For example, if I was not a mother my life would look very different! I would probably most defiantly been doing something in the porn industry. My late friend one time were talking about what career direction I should take and he said this "...I have never seen anyone more interested in their money and sex....so anything that involves those two things should work out for you".  He was one of my best friends and he was also one of those people that knew me before kids and did not see me as a mother but rather as a friend. Our conversations NEVER included our children and there was still so much to talk about. He also wanted success for me as he had success. And he helped me so much with investments and he is part of the reason I am in the good financial place I am now. He was one of a kind and I am still trying to wrap my head around the fact that he is gone. I have luckily not really experienced any death in my life, with the exception of my grandparents that I was not close with.  Sometimes when he would call me I would send it to voicemail because his personality was so big you needed energy to let that energy bounce off of you.  One time I was closing on a property and I was short about 2k when they finally got the numbers back to me. It was a tough deal and I did not think it was going to go through. I told him I needed to back out of the deal because I was short on the cash needed at the table and without thought he said lets go get it and I drove him to his bank and he took out the cash for me. No questions, no hesitation, no ill will, just matter of fact lets go get the money. 

I know that wherever his spirit is he is having a good time!