Muscle Memory

I had the need to go up to New Brunswick the other day. And as I took the trip up the turnpike my body was feeling all the feels and my mind was mulling over all the times I have taken this drive over the years to see D. I have not thought about D is awhile. He is not really in the forefront of my mind most days but this day I could not escape the thoughts of him. So much so I almost called him while I was making that trip up there. My friend talked me out of it, thank god. But I was so close to begging this man to tell me what happened and to have the closure conversation with him. But to be so clear I would 100% see him again if given the chance. I really need closure on D but I fear I will never have it. 

I am in my busy season for work. I work a temp job that pays really well but only last about 6-10 weeks. So Im working 3 jobs right now and have no time for anything but there is a peace in taking care of what I need to. And intense peaceful energy fills me the power I need to get through this and knowing that I dont need a man to take care of my life makes me feel powerful. 

I am tired but I am happy. 

I still continue to talk to Ds brother. That is moving a long. No real news on that, but I am still exploring a relationship with him. 

Sex drive still is at a 1.5 out of 10.... so no change there.:(

Yo hago lo que me da la gana

 Here we are, here we are just 14 days since the begin of the rise and fall of HRT in my perimenopause journey. So I do feel better than I have all week. I would say I am about 60% feeling back to myself. I only wanted to die a handful of times today and I have had moments of joy and pleasure today. Dizziness and nausea is keeping me from working so I am losing a lot of money behind this, but I was craving feelings again so I was willing to give it a try. And there might be an alternative way for me to harness some of the power that comes from feeling your feelings. This is something I have lost and I so want it back. Tonight I have a few trains of thought I want to cover. Hold on because I am going rogue and feeling all feelings. 

First my very good friend who passed away a few months ago, continues to show up in my life. I was downloading some contracts off of docusign for  a large purchase. I logged into my docusign about and he says "Welcome...(the name of my friend). I look at his name and smiled and I tried to figure out why his name was in this account with me and what was going on. And they I just felt joy for seeing his name and being reminded about how he loved his friends and how lucky I was to be able to spend time with him. 

I keep thinking about Jay, I think that is just want I called him here. He will know who he is. There was something loving  interactions with me. I am not saying he loved me but he was loving and kind and I really like him. I think that was just not meant to be once I had my 2nd child. He calls me here and there. I could call him but there is still some submission in for the most part I will just wait to be contacted. If the spirit moves them to call me then we should talk otherwise maybe we leave it all where it is.

With this need to access to my feelings (which I think will go away in a few days) I spent some time chatting with Ds brother, We have been talking  for the last year and half, since the ghosting but we have not seen each other. I feel like between us having some sexual heat and also this desire to have a really deep connection. Dare I say that we have been building a relationship. I know what I what we have been doing but I dont feel to terribly excited bc I barely have feelings and I jut dont know how the world will handle be fucking my way through this family. I think I just officially started a relationship with me. I am excited and nervous. I was clear with him about some reservations, like how I want a life partner and he is married and I cant be the other women like I was with D. I dont want to break up a marriage but I will need more in a situation like this. I dont want to be the other women, the after thought but all do I want to be the main one... YIKES Idk if be that is what I want either. I am trying to determine how I feel about him. We had GREAT times years ago, and he got too jealous of D and I had to pull back. But I did it in a really shitty way because I did not know how to get out of the situation. I did not like spending time with him We would have fun. It was good until it was not. And over the years I sat in fear to not let D know that I fucked his brother. But that fear is gone. I dont care about D and it would just be a bonus if he knew that I fucked his brother, for years, and that we are ....dare I say dating at this point. 

I need to process. Dating him seems wild to me, but I am going to try it because why not. I like him, I am attractive to him, he is good at sex and he knows how to take care of shit in life. He is like a god dam holy grail at this point of dating. So I guess I am going to do it and I am going to lean into having these feelings and see what happens.  So maybe I am not single at the moment, maybe I would consider myself dating. And he said "I dont care what D thinks or my wife" Both of these are comical to me because part of me wants D to see me with his brother and lose his shit, he won't but I would like him too. And the other part is like finally being seen in that family. I have always been a secret and I dont want to life like that. 

Now I know it is not ideal for me to make these changes when I am going though the hormonal shift but why not, the feelings have always been there I just could not access them. It is not like they are fake feelings they have just been buried very very deep. 

I just want more or a life partner in life. I want to share my life with someone and have someone to love and who loves me. Sure it's been fun flying solo but this shit is hard, and if there is another options go with that option. 

I know I sound like Im drunk and my grammar and mistakes have reflected it. I am tired and a little bit dizzy and I just needed to process alll of that.  

I am curious in another 14 days where I will be emotionally and with Ds brother with feel like a natural choice as we have been good friends and hot fuck history. It is anyones guess at this point. 

Yo hago lo que me da la gana - I do what I want

-Bad Bunny and NJ SubmissiveGirl

Good while it lasted

 There was the post the other day that was so optimistic and hopeful of things to come in the future. What appears to has happened is day 14 of HRT I hit the sweet spot of sleeping, feeling sexual, overall all joy. And then day 15 began a hard downward spiral and the good hormones turned so so bad. It is hard to quite articulate but I went to bed feeling fine and woke up in a rage filled stupor and I could not function. I was only experiencing two emotions: Rage and deep profound sadness. It was reminiscent of my very hard post partum days and I just wanted to die. If I could have organized my thoughts a little more cleanly I probable would have opted for suicide. I was very close to checking myself in to a hospital. 

I spoke to my doctor who told me to immediately stop taking the medication and we will reconvene in a couple weeks when my levels are back to their baseline. Apparently I am the lucky 10% of women that have this kind of reaction. Even as I type this tonight the only thing that keeps me for crying is that my eyes hurt. I have cried about all the things with my daughter, the devastation of what D did to me with his ghosting me after 22 years, I cried about Bad Bunny Super Bowl show because it reminded me of just how beautiful the world can be the farther you get away from white men. I have cried because I love my children and because I felt regretful I ever had them. I have cried because the dog barked at me and because I cant get my thoughts organized in my head. It has been one of the hardest days of my life and it is still not over. I come here tonight to ease my mind and say all the things that my support system can no longer hear me cry about. 

And despite this sadness I still felt more sexual than I have felt in almost 2 years, and since I will not be taking the hormones anymore I wanted to try to have an orgasm while I felt like it was still a possibility. I was drawn back to the thumbnail of the video of me and D I saw the other night. I could not get in touch with the feelings of the women in the video. That submissive girl was giving her body to the dark man behind her but this girl here today could only focus on all the things I did not like about that scene. D would always turn the tv on loud. He reason was because I was loud but it was so irritating to me. It was like one thing he could have done for me was turn the noise down when we were not fucking but he likcd it loud and my feelings did not matter. And it was not just that it was loud, it was over stimulating for me. It made my brain hurt and instead of being able to enjoy my downtime I was trying not to have sensory overload freak out. And sometimes I would freak out with him. This was almost always when we were fucking and he would do something that would aggravate me. Slap me too hard, or too many times in the same place, fuck me really hard in a very bad way, hold me down when I did not want it. He pushed my boundaries and he loved the intense reaction I would have because I would be out of my mind for just a few moments while he fucked me. He loved it but for me I would say in my head every time I left "im not doing this again". It was a  scary out of control feeling. 

And in my head today of free flowing hormones I began to understand what D was talking about when he said I had changed over the years. This total loss of sex drive probably started 2.5 years ago and was a very slow decline. He was pointing out that I was not willing to tolerate the submission and Domination from a man that did not put my well being first. And for the first time in a long time I was able to get in touch with just how much I hate him and how sorry I am for wasting so much time loving him.  I talk to my daughter and told her all the things I have been thinking but mainly that I just miss her. I talked to my Mom who gently reminds me that I have been in these dark places before and this too shall pass. 

As I watched the video am taken by my body again, I love the way my ass is squeezed in his hands and he pushes my body where he wants it, but I could not orgasm. Maybe I got close but I could not get there. I thought about calling the neighbor down the street but as I lay in my bed, legs not shaven, eye puffy from crying, mind feeling heavy I just could not entertain the idea of him touching me. If I cant make myself orgasm there was no way he was going to me come. And so I put it all away and tried to do some work. 

My dr says it is a journey and there are other avenues we can explore but I might be scared straight. Do I want to have a sex life again that I am willing to feel suicidal to get it? 

Im lonely too. I wish I had a partner in life to help me through this. I want someone here with me to cover me up, and take out the dog so I dont have to get up, and make me lunch, and hug me as I cry about everything that has ever happened. But there are not many men that know how to nurture. They do not know how to hold a women who is suffering and understand that she has zero control over what is happening in her body.  I want something that just does not exist, I think. Tonight feels so low, like it will never get better and that I am just biding my time until my kids dont need me anymore and death seems like such a welcome relief at this point. Just two days ago I was on top of the world and feeling like things were going to well. And now it all seems lost and the contentment I felt is gone forever. 

This is just a waiting game. Waiting for the hormones to dissipate while I try to hold together my life is the goal for the next few days. I am trying to eat and drink lots of water and to help things leave my body. I am trying to be kind to myself and not beat myself up for not working and needing to take some time off. I will go to bed early again tonight and pray that in the morning I feel dont feel the intense rage and difficultly keeping my eyes open. 

HRT

 I come to you tonight with promising new developments in the sexual desire department. About a month ago I decided that I did want to have some kind of feeling again in my body and made an appointment with a provider for HRT (hormone replacement therapy). And about two weeks ago I started hormones. A very low dose and just one and tonight I found myself feeling like my old self again. And I am going to add this little bit of information here because unless you are a woman of a certain age you may not know about HRT. Perimenopause hits well before menopause, it begins in late 30s for some women and it impacts everything! Sleep, weight, moods, libido, feelings, temperature. As far as I can tell it is much worse that puberty when the hormones start ramping up. And for many years HRT was seen as a last resort because they believed it increased cancer risk. They have now backtracked on that and now says in can prevent certain cancers. Now HRT is becoming more mainstream and accessible (logistically and financially). Now that is my summary from what I understand it to be but more important are the examples of the how this little pill is changing things. 

For example, I sent a long requested video link to D's brother and I did not watch the video but the thumbnail photo had me reminiscing. And not about D, but about the joy of seeing my soft pillowy white body in contrast to a dark sculpted body. It was the thrill of seeing me bent over in complete submission and him mounting me from behind. Even as I type this I feel the animal urges pulsing through my vein in just the slightest amounts and it brings such joy to feel like the old me is coming back to life. I am literally welling up with joy and that thought that I have can that part of my life back again. 

I was also at a kids baseketball game tonight and saw a black coach, not particularly good looking and he had no accent but the dialouge in my head went something like "hmm I kinda like the way he is talking...I would suck his dick". Even I was taken back by these thoughts. Who was this person sitting in the stands of a middle school basketball gaming eye balling the middle aged coach from across the court? Smiling and wondering if the man next to me is feeling my energy or if he just thinks I am smiling at my kids playing ball. 

It's a good night in my world tonight. I am so grateful for this very tiny movement in the right direction. 

Kindness

 I have been feeling more and more bold and less and less submissive with each passing day. I feel like the further I move away from the influence of D the more and more free I feel. So when the guy I was talking to last year reached out to me again he was met with the feisty side of submissive girl. He texted me about he knows I am seeing someone else, and keep in mind I have not seen him in a year and in the last year he has not asked me out, called me, or even texted me anything meaningful. I thought he was nice enough and the sex was good but this year of not wanting sex he needed to bring something more the table to catch my attention. 

Now let me say this first before I continue. Women learn how to react to men in a way that keeps them safe. And I have been very aware of my vulnerability when is comes to personal safety when dealing with men. I have met a lot of men in very desolate and unsafe situations and part of the way I have controlled those situations was to never assert myself in a way that would anger or more importantly make a man feel like he was not wanted. But with this guy being so far out of my life I felt safe to speak "freely" and I did. 

I told him that "I am single. I will see and or have sex with anyone I want to whenever I want to" and then I added that it was obvious he was not interested in a relationship and that was cool I could keep him on the roster in case my sex drive picks back up. Well I hit a nerve with him. He responded with calling me a white trash slut and calling my kids fucked up for being mixed. 

Now I was really surprised because I did not see this behavior coming. He did not seem like a racist asshole. What was more disturbing that this man has been in my house and I generally trusted him. How could I be so wrong? How did I not see this? Was there no red flags? Or do all men have this in them if I push the right buttons. And really this is why I have so little time for men. They are just assholes. I would never attack someone's kids. I am also not a racist and when people say shit to me that is hurtful I usually meet it with introspection and deep thought processes. And this is no different. I am still a little stunned as I would not say shit like that to people I dont like. 

I need a kind person. A deep down kind soul with some self control, an island accent, a big dick, and enough money they can take care of themselves and who can have deep conversations when needed. I dont know if it is out there.

Even better he called me a slut... lol. Typical man. Women are always attempted to be diminished by attacking their sexuality and there body. Men call us sluts, bitches and fat and yet cant handle it when we dont want them.