I have enough emotions in my body tonight to feel like I might have some substance for this blog. It has been such a long time since I feel like I have had feelings. I often joke that thanks to the perimenopause I am dead inside. But that is an accurate description of how I feel most of the time. I leave out the part of the trauma in my life because it is less fun to talk about and we are all struggling. I dont need to burden people I mingle with on the day to day with the horrors in my life. However, here - Here I feel heard and seen and like my misfortunes are looked upon with empathy and love. Love in the way that you can feel for another struggling human being. Let's get right to the updates.
D - not an issue for me. I dont think about him to often in a loving way. I mean his daughter is in my face everyday, and she looks just like him but other than that he is a a blip in my day to day world right now. I do continue to get his wage garnishment checks each month for the money he owes me and that brings me immense joy.
All other men - I do not have time for it. I dont have the will for it. You know when people are on hospice and they just do not want to eat. They move with no desire for food. This is where I am at with men. For the first time in my life men will text me and I dont feel obligated to respond. I dont feel obligated to have sex with them. I dont feel the need to entertain them. It is a very foreign feeling for me but even when I have tried to fake it I cannot. Right now I am mentally done and physically done with men. Im not sure if or when that will change. It does not feel like a loss. It feels like I have finally obtained some control. And some of you may remember that I would pray to God or the Universe to "take D out of my life". I would spend time with him and enjoy myself and love when he loved bombed me but suffer so intensely when he would disappear. I prayed so much for him to be taken from my life and while it has taken me two years to fully understand that I needed that I do now see it has been freeing in my life. God knows it was HARD and I did not think I would ever make it but I did and it is nice to not have to depend on a man to let me know how I am going to feel that day. It has been a year since I have had sex, maybe more and I just dont need it but sometimes I think maybe I will have a partner in life again. Sometimes and just for a few fleeting moments I am open to loving someone and I am almost hopeful that I fall in love in the same easy way I feel in love with the other three men in my life. The universe will have to put someone in my direct way for me to notice but I am 10% open to it right now. I hope things with my kids improve and then hopefully I will have a little mental energy for it.
My kids - my youngest is struggling with some mystery chronic illness that keeps the doctors guessing and keeps me on my toes with appointments, internet research and trial treatments. My son is doing really well and my oldest is cutting years off my life each and every day. She has been in a really bad exploitative relationship for the last 10 months and there has not been one single week where there has not been more bullshit started. I am fucking exhausted. Tonight I sit upstairs trying to decide what is the right amount of time to wait before doing a wellness check to make sure she had not tried to kill herself. What I have been going through is not normal teenager shit, it is like your kid has been sucked into a cult level shit. It is horrifying how horrible some people can be. I keep taking the bullshit bc my choices are limited. I can only show her love and hope she comes to her senses. I would never wish this on anyone.
JF - (this is the father of my youngest two children) JF got married today. I was expecting to have some feelings about it, maybe jealousy maybe sadness but what came to me was different then I expected. I was not sad because he was getting married. If I wanted to marry him I could have, we were engaged I just did not want to spend money on that. I ended things with JF bc the money issues, the cultural issues and the overall feeling that I did not want to carry him all his life. But how I loved him. And I still love him. And I am not sad because he got married but feeling a little sad that love was not enough for us. Despite us loving each other and loving our children and wanting lots of the same things out of life, love was not enough to make the day to day bearable let alone enjoyable. And eventually his own words led me to my final thoughts of I am not meant to suffer in this life. I have got to make moves that mitigate my suffering not intensify it. And I have done that. He is spending a few days with the kids during this time which is amazing because it is a break I have NEVER had. And the kids are having so much fun with him. I love that for them. I feel somewhat relieved that there is someone other than me to take care of him because I felt responsible for him in some ways still. Better her than me. His now wife if lovely. She looks a hell of a lot like me! I do think this is a positive step in his life.
Work - I still work A LOT. I do love my jobs and I enjoy the distraction. In general my approach to life lately is to keep my head down and just get through this season of life.
